Call Her Daddy - Friendship Boundaries 101

Episode Date: February 11, 2024

Join Father Cooper for a Sunday Session where she reveals that the secret to maintaining her adult friendships is by minding her own damn business. Alex reflects on her college years and the ways her friend group got way too entangled in each other’s decisions. She shares some stories of the lengths she would go to hide boys from her friends and gives insight into why she thinks we are all a little too invested in each other's personal lives. Alex breaks down how to create boundaries and have tough conversations with a friend you feel like is judging all your choices. She also flips it around and gives advice for how to be there for a friend without overly inserting yourself in their situation. Enjoy!

Sunday morning, fight this callin', do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do, every Sunday's fight this day. What the fuck? That was pretty good, right? Hello everyone, welcome back to another episode of Call Her Daddy. My name is Alex Cooper, if you are new here, and this is going to be a Sunday session. And this year's Sunday sessions are mainly just going to be me and you chatting about my life or something that I have been thinking a lot about. And as you guys know, if you follow me on social media and if you've been following this podcast is

I have been planning a wedding. And I know that topic is something that I definitely owe you guys a lot of updates on, but that is not for today's episode. Today I want to talk to you about something else that I have been thinking a lot about recently and I think it's been on my mind because I have been so deep in wedding planning and putting really deliberate thought into my guest list and deciding which people I want there to celebrate this big moment with me and Matt has been truly pretty eye-opening and I think it's really been causing me to think a lot about my friendships. I realized I truly feel like I've reached a point in my life where my friendships are pretty easy and stress-free. Do not get me wrong. It has not always been this way. I was definitely involved in my fair share of friendship drama, But now I feel like my friendships are really just a source of joy

and support for me and my life. And I feel like my friends feel that's also reciprocated in the way that they view our friendship. So I was trying to think back, like, when did this happen? And when was this shift? And when did this really change? Like why do my adult friendships feel so much better than the friendships I had 10 or so years ago? Even I would say like seven years ago, five years ago. When you get older and grow and mature, you kind of reach this point where you are no longer overly invested in your friends and their lives in terms of like their decision making and it changes the entire dynamic of your friendship for the better I want to give college as an example because it's so extremely different to really set the scene of what I'm talking about here. It's like that was a time truly, if I honestly am self-reflecting here, that there's no time that we, I personally, and I would think when I talked to my friends, we,

we were more up in our friends' business than college, maybe high school, but I think college is exacerbated because we feel like we're adults and we feel like we really know who we are and what our friends should be doing. And it's like, that's just not the case. But I think back to my college friend group, and I would ask you, Daddy Gang, to think back to yours. It really doesn't matter how big or how small. I feel like there was always at least one person who was dating or seeing someone that everyone else in the friend group had a problem with. Like I could name the girls I just know, like I know from the top of my head still the girls that I was friends with and we were like, I fucking hate your boyfriend, bitch. And when I say you had a problem with this boyfriend or whoever, a girlfriend or whatever, I don't mean like abuse or addiction or any of that,

where it was like a serious, serious problem that you actually, of course, had a problem with. I mean more like you didn't like their boyfriend's personality or like how he looks or your relationship dynamic. Like I remember how often girlfriends of mine would be like, why are you dating him? Like he's busted or be like, why are you dating him? Like he's busted or something like, why do you care? Like, like more hot guys for you, bitch. Like literally, why did we care if our friend was dating an ugly dude, according to our standards? You know what I mean? But like, we made everything our business in college. And at least that was my friend group and our dynamic. But like so many times I feel like I look back and there would be arguments with that friend because, you know, they didn't take your advice and didn't friend that like you would come to for dating advice and I would get so invested in my friend's lives. And I think I would say about like junior year, I kind of gave up and was like, oh, she never takes my advice and it's a shit show and I don't really give a fuck. But like for my freshman and sophomore year, like we were all dating that guy. Like, sorry, it's not you just dating Robbie like we are all dating Robbie okay and so

it's like this over identifying with every single one of your friends problems and you are just like making it your problem as well which like again I do think it comes from a I well I can't say it's it from for everyone but I know it came from a good place for me of like genuinely caring so fucking much about my friends. But I would get way too fucking entangled in all their bullshit. Thinking back to those scenarios, I remember being in both situations. I remember saying things to my friends like, I'm not going to talk to you about this if you're not going to take my advice because like we've talked about this enough and like, you know where I stand on it. And like, I want to be there for you but like you know how I feel and personally like feeling almost like attacked

and hurt when my friend was making decisions that I didn't necessarily agree with or that I wouldn't make in my own personal life and my friends did the same fucking thing back to me like there was this one guy who I had I had to change his fucking name in my contacts daddy gang okay not because he was being shady and I was trying to hide him from other guys that I was talking to no because I was literally hiding him from my friends because I knew if I was fucking sitting in the dining hall that day and we were all eating our cheeseburgers and my fucking phone lit up and it had that guy's name on it, all of my friends were going to have something to say about it. Stop. You're still fucking talking to him. Cooper, fucking drop it.

Why are you still even giving him the time of day? Like, what the fuck, Cooper? What the fuck, Cooper? What the fuck, Cooper? And all my teammates called me Cooper or Coop. And I would be like, and I'd have to defend myself to my fucking friends. And it's like, truly, they had basically decided like he wasn't good for me and they were over him and they were pissed off anytime they saw us talking. And I just didn't want to deal with it after a while. Like I look back and I really kind

of obviously do understand why this happens in college because in college your lives with your friends are so much more intertwined. Like especially when you factor in living together and the roommate dynamic. Like when your friend has a shitty boyfriend he can essentially also become the shitty extra roommate. Like we can all fucking envision it. He staves over for fucking 48 hours at a time. He starts to eat your food that you can barely afford. Like he never cleans up after himself. Like maybe he even starts to fucking argue with another roommate. Or what I also will say is like, there's also like the social aspect of like the advantages of like, I knew my girlfriends at one point realized like, oh knew my girlfriends at one point

realized like, oh, we're fucking done with that guy, Cooper. Go talk to the other guy. Cause like that will mean there's more social advantages for all of us. Like my friends wanted me to go date other guys so we could get into different parties and fucking vice versa. One of my other friends, I was like, don't fucking date him. He brings us nothing. Like it's this like group think mentality that we had when we were younger. I've grown and matured in the past, I don't know, like few years and definitely since getting out of college. I've just come to realize that like, as I've gotten happier and in a more secure place in my own life, your friends can make their own decisions and it ultimately does not have to impact you one percent like at all, truly at all. And once I realized this, it truly saved me so much time and energy. There's obviously the like exception if my friend is in danger in a relationship and

it's like so fucking toxic obviously I'm gonna say something and I'm gonna try to help this person but for the most part like I no longer get hung up on the decisions my friends are making and if I agree with them or disagree with them on it maybe I'll lightly voice an opinion of like have you thought about maybe like trying to do xyz but like being so loving about it like hey have you thought about this giving them the benefit of the doubt of like if you have then great and you still made the decision great it's not my fucking life love ya you know it's like of course don't just give up there's a difference between giving up on your friends and giving no support or insight versus judging and like genuinely getting angry and upset with your fucking friends over shit that really should

not affect you. Like now I feel like when a friend comes to me to vent or has like a boy problem, and I think a lot of my friends are in serious relationships and I do have a couple single friends. And on both sides, all I do is just like simply listen and I offer support and support doesn't mean inserting my own opinions or telling my friend exactly how they should be handling the situation I think some people like I was having this conversation with two of my friends actually recently and they both weren't in the same conversation and we were both talking about friendships and I think this is why I'm having this conversation for women because I do think I do think that women have such different relationships than men and I don't make to mean to like divide the sexes but I do think it's fucking true like as women we require so

much more out of friendships and I'm not trying to discredit men but like I watch people around me that are men and their friendships and it is just not as strong as female friendships it's just not I'm like women require so much more out of their friendships however that is a blessing and a curse because the amount that we can fucking judge and suffocate each other and get way too entangled in their lives like female friendships are so beautiful and at the same time are can are so fucking complex men just don't hold themselves to a certain standard of communication with their friends they let things go they don't want drama and I do feel fortunate as a woman to like, I love having deep conversations with my friends. I love that my friends know so much about me that like maybe

men and their dynamics with friendships, like they've never shared like their biggest insecurities and like issues with family. Like it's just a different bond. But with that type of intense bond, it can almost verge more on a sister relationship, which can be toxic and tough and tough love rather than having boundaries that I almost wish we could like cherry pick a little bit from the male dynamic in their friendships, because there are some enviable qualities that men bring to their friendships I wouldn't want it I would always take women over male dynamics with their friends but I'm just saying we're too fucking judgmental ladies sometimes and I'm saying this literally coming from someone who was too entangled in her friends lives at points and did

infuse too much of my opinion or judgment and and want so badly for my friend to end the relationship and I'm here for you and like let's do this and then they feel awkward to come to me because it's like fuck she like basically helped me put together a whole fucking campaign of why this guy sucks but I woke up today and I like him again and it's like oh my god I do think some people really need to hear this. And I could have used this advice many years ago, and it probably would have saved me a lot of like friendship issues and fights. Ladies, and I'm going to say this to ladies specifically when it comes to friendships, men take this actually for life in general, but women specifically for friendships, your

opinion is not always wanted, nor is it needed. When a friend comes to you with a problem, ask them, do you want me to just listen while you vent your fucking ass off? Or do you want my actual advice? Because I'm telling you, they probably, even if they say they want your advice something I've learned is with a grain of salt like do not go so fucking hard they're looking for you to be a sounding board when they ask for advice but even when someone is ready to relieve a relationship it is them that has to make the decision it is them that has the baggage it's them that has to make the decision. It is them that has the baggage. It's them that has lived it. You're only getting fractional pieces of information from your friend. So also give them the credit of like, bitch, you don't fucking know everything.

Maybe they only come to you when they're fighting. You've never seen the good. Like there's just, we have to just be more aware that like we're getting such piecemealed things a lot of times from our friend. And so when they ask, when they say, yes, I want your advice, give them advice, but give it softly. Like, don't be fucking aggressive. Of course, you can leave later and call your mom and be like, oh my God, fucking Becky is back with John again. I am fucking livid.

It's so pathetic. She won't stop going back to him. He cheats every week. It's so fucking annoying. Great. But you don't need to say that to her. She's on her own fucking journey and what is how does it benefit you from coming off like you're just like judging her she doesn't need that right now she's clearly going through

fucking shit that's what I always think too is like so much of the judgment within friendships it's just if we were so much like nicer to each other we probably would get a lot farther because I bet there's a lot of times where you don't wanna tell your friend because you're scared of what they're gonna think of you and how they're gonna judge you and how they're gonna look at you moving forward. Like your friend probably doesn't wanna hear, oh, you're too good for him.

Once a cheater, always a cheater, babe. Like you shouldn't trust him. Like you knew this last time you cheated. Like, are you really sure that you two are ready to move in together? Like, I'm not going to lie. Like it feels kind of quick. Like, why are you moving in so quick?

And so maybe you're listening to this and you feel like I am speaking directly to you and you're like, okay, Alex, this is my exact dynamic with my best friend. I feel like the way that she talks to me about my guy issues and the decisions I make in my dating life Like I feel like she is almost a parent scolding me for something that i'm in trouble for and I am so Fucking tired of it because I love her to death and we have such amazing history, but i'm so sick of her almost like looking down on me and acting like she's better than me when really when i'm coming to her like I just want to have girl talk like I just want to like connect over something that I would naturally want to go to my friend to but she's like terrifying to go to you're probably at the point where like you've

kind of stopped telling her things because because of that and essentially you're hiding things from her. How do you politely tell your friend to back the fuck up and chill on judging you and your life and giving such aggressive feedback? Like that's not actually what a friendship is and that's actually not what you want. Okay. Bruce is licking his penis. I'm so sorry if you were watching that. Oh my God. Okay, Bruce, this is not only fans. Let's relax. Okay. Okay. So we're going to role play because I feel like I do this with my therapist in the past and it's helpful. And let me know if you guys enjoy it. I'm going to imagine I need to tell one of my friends to chill the fuck out and leave her opinions about my life to herself. So I think I would first simply say how I'm feeling. Like recently we've discussed my dating life and whenever we're

talking about it, I want to be honest with you that I have felt, and then insert, like judged or criticized or reprimanded, whatever it is that you're personally feeling and then I would give my friend the benefit of the doubt let's always give them the benefit of the doubt even if you don't want to I think it helps make people not feel so guarded and attacked and I would say something like I know truly this is all coming from a place of love and protection and you just want the best for me like I so fucking know that and I love you so much and then I would just straight up ask them like but when you talk to me about these things it comes across like you're angry at me is that how you feel because what I can almost guarantee is like, ideally, they are not going to say that they're mad at you because unless it's actually impacting them,

they don't have the right to be angry with you and to be mad at you. What they're probably going to say if they push back is being like, well, I'm just annoyed because like, you're always saying he treats you like shit and he does this. And then you come to me asking for advice. And like, obviously my fucking advice is to break up with him. Okay. So she's annoyed that you keep bringing these things. Like that's a complete different thing than like, but you're coming off like angry. Okay.

And if they're pushing back, I would say this is ultimately a boundary that you need to set with your friend, regardless of their answer is you can say something like, I want you to just be my friend and I want you to always feel like you can bring up stuff to me I also want to feel like it's from a place of love not judgment and you need to know I won't always agree with you but that's okay I'm an adult this is my life I'm very capable of taking care of myself and that doesn't mean I won't ever get hurt or get my heart broken but I can handle that sometimes I just want a friend to listen and be supportive and I'm telling you this because I that's really what I

want out of this friendship I don't need your permission and I don't need your approval. You can have your own opinions. I so get that. But this is my life. When I'm asking you for advice, I guess like I'm more just asking you to like talk through things with me rather than just like give me these like very straightforward, definitive, judgmental answers where it just feels like I'm getting attacked rather than I'm sitting with a friend. Even if I fucking said he cheated on me, like I want you to be like, okay, how are you feeling? What do you want to do? Do you love him still? Obviously he disrespected you and as your friend, I want to kill him, but talk to me like, what are you thinking your options are? Like that in my head is how these conversations go. Like if someone doesn't respect this or pushes back, I wouldn't really want that friend to be my friend anymore.

There's just such a difference of a way to handle a conversation with a friend. And when you're able to remove yourself from your friend's lives, like it's not that deep. So it's almost like you have to reprogram your friendships to be like, I kind of want to just talk this out with you. Can you just like kind of support me and like seeing my options? That's kind of more what the conversations I facilitate now in my more adult relationships of like, I've had friends that have gotten cheated on. I've had friends that have weird ones in their relationships. And I just constantly say, how do you feel? Okay. And like, what are you thinking right now? And I never really am inserting my opinion in to say, how do you feel? Okay. And like, what are you thinking right now? And I never

really am inserting my opinion in to say, what do you think? And I'll say, well, I don't know because I'm not a hundred percent there. So I don't know your complete dynamic. But what I will say is, yes, I don't think I would put up with this. But again, you have to know at the end of the night when you're putting your head on your pillow will you be okay if you walk away from this and I can't answer that from you and I'm never going to judge you if you stay like I think it's almost more like when you're giving your friends advice daddy gang like we have to almost more be like just advocates for our friends and and supporting them that we trust their decision making even if you blindly, like even if you kind of in your head know like you don't, like the only way your friend is actually going to learn,

and I think I've learned this through myself too, is like if they fucking go through it themselves. I've gotten cheated on before. It is one of the worst betrayal pains you can experience when you were in love with someone and then you eventually get over it and when you have a friend that goes through it there's a difference here's a perfect example there's a difference between saying okay Michaela I promise you I literally just went through this like you're gonna be fine like you need to get over it because like you're not even gonna care about this in six months like it literally doesn't fucking matter okay you're you're invalidating her feelings in the moment because guess what bitch you got to fucking grieve you got to feel like shit and I know the sentiment is there that's right of like you're gonna get

through this but the conversation just needs to be more thoughtful and loving of like Michaela right now I'm gonna hold your hand and you can fucking cry as much as you want. And I want you to know when I look you in the eyes and I say, I get it. It's because I fucking get it. And I am here if you need any fucking advice of how I got through this, but everyone's fucking journey of getting through this kind of shit is fucking different. But just know I'm fucking here and I so fucking get it and it fucking hurts but we've got this like you're just like giving your friend a supportive hand rather than being like get the fuck over it trust me you'll be over it in four weeks like no maybe she won't and maybe

she will but that's on her that's not on you to decide I think like I said at the beginning of this episode there is nothing more beautiful than women and dynamics and friendships truly like I have such incredible friendships that I it literally makes me cry when I think about it like I know my core group of people, we have worked so fucking hard at adjusting where we're at in our lives to meet each other when we're dealing with each other's issues, because we are all at such fucking different points in our lives. Like if I lined up my group of about like five to six girls, it's like we are all so, one, we're so fucking different. Two, we're in such different fucking places in life. and yet it's been like a it's been a fucking grind I would say for the past three years to like re-establish and

reorganize and recalibrate and now it feels like we did the work and now I know each of my friendships I know where we stand and I know it's an actual enjoyable reciprocal relationship and it's not that I'm going to them with a pit in my stomach and it's not that I'm ever hiding anything from them I can fucking call Lauren tomorrow and say I had the biggest fight with Matt and I know I could put her on speaker I could put I could do it right now and I know what she would say talk to me what happened and I could make up a fucking story right now and she would say back to me okay so how are you feeling like it's fucking story right now. And she would say back to me, okay, so how are you feeling? Like, it's just you have to work on yourself.

And you have to be aware, Daddy King, are you being a judgmental friend? Are you the person in the room that's like coming at your fucking friends and they're backing away from you? It's probably because something in you is getting, number one, I would say is you're probably getting triggered and using an outlet of getting to like pour onto someone else right now because there's something going on in your life and you're like fuck yeah maybe you're maybe you're okay this is sick but I'm sorry this happens and this is fucking human nature maybe you're fucking happy your friend is struggling because you are too and you don't want to talk about your shit but you're like fuck yeah someone's having relationship problems because meanwhile your fucking shit at home is wrecked you're fucking

all upset and you don't want to talk about it but it's you're almost like make you know what I mean it's like we can just everything is projection with friendships and so just check yourself if you are so if you're struggling to maintain friendships and people are running out of your life it's probably because it's fucking hard to be around you right now. And there's nothing better than when you can find this like amazing release in friendships of just like, it's okay if you do not agree with everything your friends do. It is okay if there's things that you're like, oh, that's a little frustrating. Like I wouldn't have done it that way.

I totally get it. Good thing it's not your life, you know? So I can talk more about friendships and everything, but like, I just, listen, I've had my fair share of like ups and downs. I've lost friendships. I've worked on friendships. I've had stable friendships. I've had new friendships. Like it's a constant work in progress. And I think as you get older, it narrows down to a select few that you're willing to really like champion for and push for and work through things for because you know you're getting out of that relationship what it should be as a friendship. And you feel loved and you feel supported. And of course, there's always going to be some weird ones. But at the end of the day, you know, that person genuinely loves you.

And when you are sitting across from a friend and they're judging you because you're like I said, moving in too fast or you're doing this too fast. It's like there's a way to be loving about it. So moral of the story is don't be a fucking cunt to your friends and don't take shit from your friends because maybe it't take shit from your friends because maybe it's time to get new fucking friends daddy gang so i love you and um i don't know i just wanted to kind of do a little rant on friendship and just let's look inward as to how we're treating our friends and oh my fucking god you guys i've been sitting cross-legged

oh my god my legs are fully asleep and in so much pain. Okay. Anyways, I have a little special episode this upcoming Wednesday for you. Obviously, I'm very aware that it is Valentine's Day. And I'm also very aware that although I'm in a relationship, ya bitch has been single many, many, many years on Valentine's Day. I've had many disastrous Valentine's Days. You don had many disastrous Valentine's Days. You don't need a fucking man to enjoy a random fucking Wednesday that happens to be February 14th, bitch. Okay. So I am going to spend Valentine's Day with you and you are going to have the best fucking time. So for my single bitches, have no fear. And for my gals and relationships, have fun. And I love you guys. And I hope you enjoyed this episode and I will talk to you

fuckers on this upcoming Wednesday. Goodbye. Farewell.