Call Her Daddy - Hannah Berner: How to Scare Men (FBF)

Episode Date: November 14, 2025

Join Alex in the studio for a chaotic and hilarious catch up with Hannah Berner. Hannah and Alex discuss blacking out on reality TV, getting rejected by Bucky The Mascot (iykyk), and weaponizing astrology to scare off men at the bar. Hannah explains her stance on al dente d*ck, Alex reveals the wildest things she’s ever stolen from a man’s apartment, and the girls give a few much needed PSA’s. This episode is unhinged and hilarious girl talk - get ready to giggle your ass off. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Hannah Burner, welcome back to Call Her Daddy. This is incredible because you did not have to have me back. Bitch, you did not have to. I was just thinking about this. I think you, Lauren, and Harry are like the most reoccurring gas I've ever had on Call Her Daddy. I've never had...

Well, that was my only goal in life. I know. was to be a regular uncollar daddy and i was like but this i do have to say it feels like a family reunion whenever i come on i know everybody that's not watching so hannah texted me and she told me that she wanted to give me a heads up that she would be wearing jorts out of respect out of respect to which i said thank you because that does shift the energy completely i'm going to be honest when i think of jorts for women i think of jorts that are just like kind of the color of like my jeans like what's like stasi wearing like hot cute yours yes yeah we didn't go that direction you

walked in i said these more look more like floods where like your pants are literally just like too short for you i look like i stole a kid's pants and put them on but hana i'm gonna have to get a video of you because to be fair do you guys have video on this pod you this is the camera i love how i like thought for five seconds you're being serious i was like yeah wait look into the camera well also this is a thing about me that i learned in college i have a long torso and nubes be legs. I didn't know that. I didn't know I had short legs until someone told me and then my whole world shifted. Who the fuck told you? You were short legs? Someone who had, who was jealous of my long torso, because it goes on forever. And I've learned to embrace it a la Britney Spears. Wait, was it a

woman or a man? It was definitely like one of my good friends who was like, well, Hannah has a long torso. And I go, has everyone been talking about my torso for years and no one told me? That's like when I was in college and the girl told me that everyone was talking about my banana roll under my butt. Do you know what a banana roll is, Hannah? No. And I don't want to know because now I'm going to be paranoid about what a banana roll is. It sounds cute. No, I only have one cheek. It's just like a little extra fat under the lip of your butt cheek and they would talk about how I have a banana roll. So then, of course, in my most insecure days when I got to New York City, I remember I went to a surgeon and asked, is there a way to remove this little chubba? You go, during a dark time.

During a really dark time, I went to this woman and I asked her, can you slice it off? And she was like, sweetie, it is not a big deal. A banana roll is one of those things that is girl on girl crime. No man has ever been like, whoa, I'm the full. looking that girl she got that banana roll thing thank you Hannah because you know what more to love a little extra oh it's just like a labia an extra big labia yeah yeah make that labia clap the last time i saw you was on tour my tour and i remember when i was sitting down creating my guest list and boston was the opening i was like first of all i was just shedding my pants and i was even doing a live tour and i was like who i need someone i'm going to feel so comfortable with that

will like lights out kill it so if i fail if i freeze if i fuck up this person can just like take the thing and run with it i also feel like you knew that i would never be judgy like if we failed we failed together and we would make fun of ourselves if i was cringe you'd be like you did you did good there we can work like you would be honest with me but you wouldn't like make me feel bad you would just be like i've got you i'll come to the next fucking show be there i really felt like a teammate i felt like i got called up to the majors just to like vibe for a sec so hannah comes on tour with me we open in boston and i will never forget you will walk out. Actually, you didn't walk out. Hannah starts doing the worm. And although I think you

like, did you do the worm or did you chest bump the ground and bounce back up? It was, okay, that's, that was an attack. I risked my life for you. I risked my whole body. My lower back was fucking killing me from the flight. Anyway, we'll talk about that later. But then it's so loud from the cheering. We can't hear each other. This is what we need to get into. Because no, this is, okay, so when you think of standing on a stage in front of thousands and thousands of people, you're already like, I'm getting anxious. I'm going to shit my pants. Literally, you guys, I could not hear a word that Hannah was saying.

I couldn't hear a word I was saying either. So picture this. I'm asking Hannah something about like dating. Yeah. And all I remember is you start speaking and I read your lips and you say bondage. And I am literally like, where the fuck is she going with this? And then the crowd is laughing. But I have no idea what you're saying.

So I start fake laughing. I'm like, so I, you were like, laughing at parts that like weren't really the right part. So I could, and you had like a little fear in your eyes. And I was, I just go on. I'm like, I need to start monologing because we're not going back and forth here. So I would monologue and then like give it to you. But like we were fighting for our life in the best way. Like the high was incredible though. It was insane. It was good energy. It was perfect. And now you're here and you have a fucking Netflix special. Like it's crazy. We're going to talk about the Netflix special a little bit later because I want to go through it all. Shelf it. But first, we're just going to have a good

combo because i just want to get silly with you and i have so many things i'm thinking about for like the summer girlies that are listening i think we have a lot to talk about first and foremost because maybe if someone hasn't listened to our previous episodes could you just share from your recollection it's okay if you don't remember like what are some of your like best color daddy moments i have to say first time you know i'm going to say sleeping with the mascot i didn't expect to go as viral as it did i didn't either shout out bucky badger you a little animal in the bedroom like i go to wisconsin and girls will be like i fucked bucky too like it's become a yeah hannah fucked the mascot if you're reading contextual clues she fucked the mascot

But it was me, like, flexing for me to be like, yeah, like, my type is professional athletes. And you were like, I'm the closest thing I've ever come to fucking an athlete is the motherfucking mascot of the college team. The funniest thing that was that before him, I was with the like 6-8 studly football guy that I thought everyone wanted, but he, like, wanted me to go to Bible study. He has CTE, so I don't know how he read a Bible. And he was just like so not my type, but I thought I should like him. And then instead, I liked Bucky.

But the funniest thing about Bucky, which I don't know. I even fully explained was that like he rejected me in the end like he was one of those like guys who you're like oh I'm doing like a make a wish right and then he hurts you more than anyone you're like make it I go this was what the like one of my most embarrassing moments was I got drunk okay I remember I was going there for the summer and I was so excited to see him like you know when you're playing music just like dreaming of all the moments you guys are going to have together I was like I have a boyfriend this summer I have a boyfriend and I got drunk and I went up to him at the KK, the bar, where he was the manager.

He was the mascot and the manager. No, I know. He was like double life, but like... Hannah Montana. No jaw. Anyway, so... No jaw? Yeah, so I was like, this is going to be easy.

Like, we can do this. Shout out, he DMs me sometimes. I love you. I'm not lying. You know that. He's no jaw. Like, you're saying it's like just... Let's just like, he wasn't studly, but he was funny and nice.

And I was like, Hannah, this is what you need. And then I go up to him. Now, this was very specific for the... the time i go we don't have to be facebook official but like you can date me don't hear from him for two weeks to the point where like i'd go out and like you know when you can't enjoy the conversation with your friends because you're just like this literal mulrat of a man who's running around like skipping as a mascot is not responding to me dude those things make you grow they and we me and me and him laugh about it now and he's like honestly i was young i was scared whatever it was he probably regrets

it to the day what is bucky up to now but sorry bucky looking now like your early 20s it's so chaotic and i feel like the girls are trying to establish like a nice connection with a guy guys are trying to like show off for their friends we want two different things how did any relationship ever work out in your 20s it's impossible it's literally impossible i'm sorry i just have like a visual of you like what sport was he the mascot for again all the sports oh jesus a horse as a horror what how did he have the time his friends with the hockey guys okay so i'm picturing you showing up to one of the games that he's got his full like mascot duty on and are you like walking past the mascot like do you know what i mean when you're like trying to make eye contact

with the guys eight guys who are mascots and you don't know who's the mascot that day so you'd like rub his dick no literally i'd give him a little tab i'd be like oh wrong mask more wrong bucky sorry um so i would just hope you know it was him and i would look at him and his beady little eyes and then he's like fuck off bitch and you're like oh sorry you're not him sorry you're like can you quickly show me your chin nope not you also i don't want to slut shame myself but you know how you block stuff out i actually made out with another bucky so i hope he's not jealous if he's listening through and through she's always been a mascot lover i ran through the mascots ran at least a light jog i would say um let's talk about drinking

yes what are you doing this summer are you raging are you keeping it chill are you sleeping in your bed like and getting in bed at seven like what's our vibe question so i actually have never been a good drinker oh like I in college wanted to be a good drinker like I would we'd be pregame and I'm like okay let's get fucked up and I was always the younger one of the like tennis teams and I just remember getting pulled to the side by like one of the girls and being like hey can I talk to you for a second you're at a 12 everyone else is at a 4 we need you to calm down so then I would be like oh I thought we're I thought we're getting drunk okay and then I would like start getting tired and then at fun point then I'd be at a 4 and everyone else is blackout and then I get to

sleepy so i'm like the worst i'm just not a fun drink like are you if i took you to dinner tonight would you be like doing two cocktails and no or you're not even having a cocktail the thing is i don't need a cocktail ever i'm an eater but like if there's a celebration i'll do doing it if someone's peer pressuring me like well i'll do it like i respect the effort of a good peer pressure i do have to say after reality tv and i stopped getting paid to drink oh i stopped drinking I basically was like there are so many days that the cameras go up and they're like okay we're having a theme party and you're like oh my god and I I don't like theme parties and I don't like party either I hate a theme party I hate a group of people that I don't know and you like the

last time I blacked out was on reality TV but if you black out you have to during the parties the only way you could get your mic off is if you jump in the pool so if I'm ever in the pool that means I'm blackout floating around just like farting in the pool just hoping that they don't ask me to have a conversation because they'll be like Hannah come up and like fight with this person I'll be like I'm in the pool I can't get out Hannah oh so I got in big trouble once why so the first thing they're like the only rules are like if you're gonna go in the pool take off your mic that's the only rule and they treat us like we're kindergarteners at a summer camp they'll be like I'll be talking to someone like oh they want to go to the pool let us know first so we can take off your mic oh my god Are you going to go in the pool? And I'm like, no, I don't like, I'm hungry. I don't go to salami. So, like, they're just dealing with, like, toddlers. So then at one point, I decided to do, like, a sprinting cannonball because I love attention.

And I was like, guys, watch this. And I start running. I do a cannonball. I land. I get up. Everyone's looking at me. Like, I just drowned their baby. No.

Everyone's like, and I'm standing there. And I'm like, was it bad? Was it bad? The mic guy, audio guy, starts running knees up, like, Olympic sprinting. towards me hops in the pool and like yanks me out and he like takes it off me and like huff puff leaves and they're like okay he's really mad at you and he i'm sorry it's a mic pack apparently they're like really expensive and the mic person like it's their own mics oh fuck so you little piece of shit so he was like this dumb drunk bitch and i remember like seeing him the next day and being like

i'm sorry i'm sorry i was a little bit drunk and we laugh about it now but like i was i was never more scared in my life um whiskey dick oh my goodness i haven't had like well i guess i'm trying to think back to like college i feel like was like whiskey dick central have you have ever had like a weird experience with whiskey dick so as an italian we call it al dente dick and i that needs to be normalized you know exactly what i'm talking about it's like a little hard it's a little hard but you're not it's not good okay you're not going to give it five stars on yope actually hate al dente is that like criminal to the italian people fuck up the pasta and just go it's al dente and i'm like no it's stale it's stale same thing or just like the macaroni that like

you put in the microwave that's like guys dick sometimes yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah the smushing of a guy's dick into your vagina people don't talk about it enough because then how does it also feel so not good when it's so innocent but just feels like when i used to be fucked up and college and I would like see that he clearly had whiskey dick and he's like no no I got this I got this I got this and he's doing the whole thing yeah there even if I had literally taken a bottle of tequila to the head there is nothing that sobers me up faster yeah then being like oh just put it what the fuck are you doing and then all of a sudden I'm completely sober and I see his little weenie and you dried up it's just I think let's give advice to the daddy gang the next time that willie takes your pants off

And little Willie is al dente, as Anna has ever liked to say. And you want him to have a little cream sauce coming out. These dicks are like cats sometimes where it's like, if you want it to get to come to you, like they won't come. You know? Like, you know, it gets so mental. Like you're playing all these games. You have to like not look at it and pretend you don't want it. And you know what I'm saying?

Because he'll be like, don't like, don't look at me right now. Like, it's happening. And you're like, are you right? Don't ask you about like so you have to like look away and like don't be intimidating and don't put pressure on him. It's like a whole thing. If people would wear a shirt that said dicks, you would need merch that say dicks are like cats or cats are like dicks are like dicks. What the fuck Hannah? I guess you're kind of right. We have to normalize that sex is not good a lot of the time. And I love talking to you about it because I feel like you've shown women that they can have the sex they want to have. But I also

know just from numbers just from girl math you with all those good experiences you have had to have some of the most horrible experiences in bed to get there to Hannah it's almost like if you had to count the bad I would be able to count the good orgasms I've had on my hand over the bad like every experience I guess I would consider up until the age maybe of until I met Matt and maybe a couple stragglers bad bad and that is iconic for everyone take notes on what you just know and I it's interesting I was doing an episode the other day and And I was saying how like Matt and I go through periods of like, oh, we haven't had sex in a week. Like we, and I was like, oh my God, I bet people are going to be like freaked out to hear that for me because I'm just being honest.

Like we get so fucking busy. And even if we're in the same house, we're not traveling. We're in the same house. We're so fucking busy. The reality is we go through these lulls where we're like, fuck. People get too busy to break up. It's very easy to be too busy to have sex. Wait, please.

You know that couple that they're like, he has a meeting tomorrow and then like I'm going to Italy. And I just don't. And then his mom is visit. I just camp. And then it's his birthday. And you know what? I know what you mean? Oh my god,

I've done this with my brother so many times I was like, well, I can't break up where they're here and then I can't break up to you're here because I already invited here

I'm like, what the fuck? He's like, I don't want to do it on the phone and then like she's coming but like, you're so right. Oh my God, I didn't even think about that.

People have plans that they're going to break up and then they just never do it. Life gets in the way. So sex gets not, like put on the back burner and you're so right the amount of times

that it has hurt that I have not had an orgasm and I faked it the amount of times You're like, oh, oh, oh, oh, and then you literally are just like, blood. Like, you literally just high logrifics inside of my fucking ghost. I was so traumatized in college. One of my friends who was older was, like, sitting on the floor outside the bathroom.

And just in college. And I went upstairs, I was like, are you okay? And she's like, just never do anal. And I was like, why? And she's like, I've been leaking for five hours. And to that day, I've been scared. Like, but that's girlhood. That is like the scene from the fucking ring.

Like the girl just. like her head was down she's just like I can't move my body's leaking I'm like what's coming out have you ever done anal okay I attempted it once in the shower which is wait wait I don't know don't do sex in the shower period water is not lube water is not lube it will be bloody don't my friend told me like it is so fucked up you tried anal in the shower because I guess I was thinking like oh my my butts clean and whatever it was so painful i also want to talk about okay there's so many sex things that you try to do that you don't like everyone lost half their virginity right absolutely people don't talk about the half virginity when people because it's the movies like he took my flower

no he literally grazed my lip and then i was in pain for like he goes in like a tiny bit comes out and then you're like am i not virgin anymore and then he tries to push it to more and you're like no And then you're like, oh, yes, I'm just going to say, like, ha, ha. No, I do like a whole bit about losing your virginity. Oh, yes. I'm trying to normalize all the experiences girls have. And doing these shows in front of thousands of girls and them laughing tells me, oh,

we all, like, lost of virginity. And then he was like, did you come? And you're like, unless the blood everywhere was come, I don't know what just happened. And I don't want to do that again. Thank you. And then he's like always accidentally hits your butt hole during dog. And you're like, what is going? And your butthole is like, has the reflexes of a ninja and we'll be like, don't touch you.

Like, it is, there's so much stuff. And I don't have to say for all the younger girls, like, my cousin was like going after college. And I was just like, I just wanted to hold her. Because everyone has bad experiences. I mean, it's so hard. I remember once there was this guy who was like so hot because that's a problem. The hot ones does not mean the rest of it is going to be okay. If anything is worse.

If anything, it's worse because girls have not taught them. They're untrained. I remember he was like trying to touch me and it just wasn't good and I didn't like his vibe. And he like, I could, I could smell cigarette on his breath. And I just remember me like, ooh, I can't deal with cigarettes. And he's like, what do you talk about? I'm like, oh, I just, I don't like cigarettes. And I just like, I don't like it.

And he kept chasing me around. I'm like, the cigarette thing. I don't like it. But you know, that's just like turning him on more that you're being like, now I'm good. And then just throw astrology at them just be like, it's giving, I'm a Libra. You don't get it. It's just a Libra thing. Like, I'm not going to Libra, but just say it.

Like, I literally have a bit about that. I didn't put in the special where I'm like, guys hate cats and astrology. So just look at him and be like, my cat's name is Clyde and his rise to moons Aquarius. He'll be like, okay, never mind. Thank you. Check please. Hannah, weaponize astrology to get him away from you. Weaponize astrology.

Matt Reif, that shit. Do it. Use our knowledge of what they're afraid of. We're afraid of getting murdered. They're afraid of astrology. Use your weapon. We ride at Dawn. Go watch on Netflix now.

Mother fuck. How much does that say about our fucking world? We're afraid of getting murdered and men are afraid of astrology. I'm going to go fuck my life. She says she's a Leo like, I don't trust her. I'm like, I don't trust him because, for many reasons. I'm obsessed with you. I missed you so much.

No, I love you, dad. All I want to do is make you laugh. No, I'm, I, my face is hurting. Quick question. What do you think about retired athletes? You're like, put them behind the bar. Put them behind the bar. Or just take them out to a field.

all honestly it is i think they at our age we're dealing with them now hannah i hate to say it i actually think they could be more toxic than the ones in the league yeah but oh please extrapolate so oh get my diagram out for me please i'm like i have a fucking whole power point you just pulled out like a laser projector this goes down so here's the thing all though they don't have like that fight in them technically as much anymore in terms of like they're on the road they've got the road beef like they're like oh my kansas road beef they now have like less to lose where like a lot of guys although they're protected sometimes like oh but when i get intruggable then i can't play tomorrow yeah i feel like the retired athletes are now just in this like sedated

state of just like entitlement but no purpose and so they can hone in on you and just be like you're my purpose and I'm like, no, no, no, no, get away from me. And they become psychotic. I lived across from one. Can't even start. No, I can't tell the story because he's literally the most ill person on the internet. And he basically was the most psycho person I've ever met in my life. And I was like, this I'll tell you after, but it was most of the scariest moments. However, athletes are scary too. Because you know what? I'm in New York City. This is actually not that long ago. It was like towards the end of my New York days. And I am hooking up with this high. hockey player. It's one night. We had followed each other on social media. We met in college a couple

times. I had maybe sucked his penis once. That was kind of it. It was just a cat. An appetizer. A pallet cleanser. No, this was not a pallet cleanser. This dick is so fucking scary and large and curved. No, I hate that. So I like the curve. The curve was fine for a blow job. But it went, it's either left or right. I can't remember. Okay. So I'm in New York City. I run into a at a club immediately. I'm like, he's one of the hottest people in the NHL. I'm like, you're so fucking hot. Let's fucking do this. But I'm convinced he as a girlfriend. I'm like, wait, isn't your Instagram like full of this like girl that is like your girlfriend? And he spends the entire night convincing me that they're not together. And I'm like, but like what? Like, why?

Like, I just know athletes. That's what athletes are good at sales. They go into sales after. So fucking true. He, I'm like, but any, also, I'm not an idiot. I've dated athletes before. Any fucking athlete the minute you're done with someone, you delete all the fucking pictures. you don't need to prove that you have a hot bitch on your arm like you're not a fucking loser like you're good so i get super drunk and then i'm like you know what he's so fucking hot i'm gonna oh i can't even say that loud i'm gonna trust him oh disgusting Alex we go back to his place we start having sex like oh my god just let's do it I'm sure she's not your girlfriend anymore I choose to believe this man after like three hours we go back and his curved penis comes out

and we start having sex and a blowjob was one thing because his mouth can do great things. This curved penis is so large, Hannah, I start bleeding. I am in so much pain and I just kind of stop it. I leave. Two months later, he's engaged. How the fuck did this man explain blood? Because it was either a murder or a girl got her period. Okay.

You know, no, you want to know what's even worse? As I'm deciding to leave, his drunken friend comes in to tell him that he has to be up for a brand deal the next morning. and the lights are all on as I'm getting my clothes together, murder scene. Hannah, I thought it was a little bit of blood. His sheets are just red everywhere. And now this man is married to this woman. So, praying for you. Praying for her.

Like, it's just sad. Like, they're little pieces of shit. Yes. Did you, there's this thing going around on TikTok. Oh, I want to give the guy credit. This guy basically said that he realized. And he's like, I got to tell all the guys this because we didn't know. Do you know what girls say, I want you to come?

It means they want you to stop. Like, they want you to be done. Like, I thought they were into it. Whenever you go, can you come and me? I want you to come. Oh, my God. Can you, we are so big. Can you come right now?

She's done. She's already thinking about what she has to do that night. She's thinking of her chores. She's texting. All the girls in the room. Notting. And the guy was like, wait, men did not know that. And like, you think we just like, we're like, you know, make this better.

We're saying we want this. this to end. Hannah, I've done it many times in my life. Everyone's done it. It's so. The second I start talking in the bedroom, it's not because I like dirty talk. We're speeding up the browsers, okay? We have shit to do.

I have emails. Mom has to work, okay? Hannah. Mom has Pilates. This is so fucking accurate and terrifying. You know what I say your dick is big? That means I'm like, let's snap. I'm like, oh my God, you're so big.

Like, come for me, come for me. Come from me. Come from me. Come from me. And literally, and it's usually in doggy. And when you're in dog, you know, if your face-to-face, you're like, come for me. When you're in dog, you're like this. Come from me. Come from me. Your face is literally like, I will murder you. Do you know when you ever sarcastically, like, roll, you're like, okay, you're like, okay. You're smiling. He's like, losing his mind. You're like, okay, I'm just. That's girlhood. That's girlhood. Is it hot? Is it a little hot? I get so hot in here. I'm sweating. Are you sweating? I'm always sweating. Hannah, imagine me on my wedding. I was literally like, why did I fucking choose a tropical location? The universe humbles me every day with my sweat. And I'm thankful for it. Okay, but you don't get spray tans, do you? No. I do. So I'm literally leaking orange at all times. I just had a memory of somehow me finding a YouTube of you being like, bitches. This is how you fucking spray tan. The best fucking spray tan in the fucking world. St. Robes. And I was like, extra dark. I was like taking notes. I was like,

like, oh, that's like, exfoliate bitches, lotion. I don't think people understand how pale I am naturally. Look at my skin. Wait, I'm translucent. Have you discussed, though, like your evolution of beauty here? No, should we? I feel like I want to. Oh, my God.

I don't even know what that means. I feel like it's been like so subtle with you, but like you're not as tan as you were. Oh, I'm getting a spray tan tonight. I go, she goes, you just called me pale to my face. But I don't think you're going. as much i'm only i'm only i'm not oh my god it used to really and i feel like the makeup is is more subtle but like was it conscious or you just as you got older you were like oh i fuck with my face i relate to oh i think you i saw you saying something about this on your

podcast on a clip i saw um you know how people are saying what is it eyebrow blindness oh yeah and you were like people are boyfriend blindness facts i had and i probably still do have eyebrow blindness if you look at pictures of me from college it it started to get scary like It was just insane, huge, black. It was too much. But I do think I've reeled it in more. And you have blonde eyebrows. Blonde.

So you like to tint him a little. Yes. But blindness can happen with that. It's also scary because I look back and like I'm convinced when I started at barstool, I really leaned into the bimbo. Like that like iconic like cover art of us. I photoshopped the fuck out of it And I remember us sitting there together

Me being like, ooh, lips bigger, tits bigger Like cinch boom boom boom boom FaceTune blindness is such a thing It was insane but back then we didn't have face tume So I was like on my web browser A woman in STEM I was literally coding and making my lips bigger okay We didn't have face that before

So I was like do to do code X Y Z lip bigger Boom boom plump plump plum plum Zero one's using worst code And then when they were like Can you send us another version of just the original and I was literally like oh no not only can I not send you the original I can't send it because you're like no the one of you guys it looked nothing like us so because of that I felt like I'd live up to this thing so it overline the fuck out of my lips I was like doing so much

dramatic shit that I was like I now look back and I'm like oh my god I literally looked like a fucking whore but you know what cheers it made me a lot of money well I was gonna say I was gonna say I've learned like the way you present yourself like in this town it's a thing and that's why I wear ties sometimes because it's powerful people like can you wear ties I'm trying to make ties a thing are you Avril Levine wait what the fuck I wore a tie once on giggly squad and it was mixed reviews she's nodding but I really you feel what did you wear it with oh I fully looked like an 80s salesman I wore it just with like a button down like I went full like I want to feel like how a guy feels with a tie right you feel for

of all you mansplained you start like explaining things you have no idea about you just like shut the fuck up i'm sorry i wasn't listening you speaking i feel like a there's like a shrill noise so i the tie like you feel like you have a dick because it's like hanging around and you and you like you got to you got to make sure it's not like yeah you got to keep it in its place you feel powerful and i just think a girl with it like you with tie it's like hot but do you have to wear a color shirt could have like a tank top with a tie you can wear a tank top that is very avril yeah but like i think it's go for it yeah i think you i mean you know her now you can text her on it if she is that rule Hannah oh my god Melissa if you're watching this

I Hannah there was nothing funnier in my career maybe than when I was like really kind of like maybe pressing a little too hard being like okay but Melissa and she's literally like do you believe it did you start the conspiracy theory and I'm literally thinking back to my username like xx out 22 then I'm like I was probably in those chats no but you were just speaking for the people you We're asking the important question. When I was doing my research, all anyone wanted to know was like Melissa. So I was like, okay, what's up, Melissa? And she was fun about it.

Yeah. But then you can ever win because everyone's comment was like, that's what Melissa would say. And I'm like, what the fuck? I feel bad. I was like, and then I love her though. She's like, that's like the least of my worries. Like if that's the biggest rumor about me, I'm like that you're dead and then you came back at someone else. You have a body double.

I guess that would be kind of cool. Imagine if that was the fucking rumor about you. Honestly, I would die for those to be the rumors. Yeah, because I'd do something stupid. I was like, that wasn't me. That was Melissa. That was Barbara. Barbara again.

Ah, shit, Barb. Really? Handa would never do something like that. Hannah would never. Honestly, please start that fucking rumor. Alex is dead. Someone else came back. Okay, your ex.

Men trying to pick up a penny. Oh, my God. Because they're like struggling. How often do you see this? Honestly, I've never seen a penny in the last 10 years. Wait. But like the concept of them like trying to do with their like nubby stupid hands. Where are the pennies?

Wait. This is like a new Chappelle Rome song. seen change in a while well that was very rich of you she got this change so a thing Spotify's never given me change can you pay me in quarters next next quarter I'm fucking dead and I like this no change there's literally no pennies not even quarters fuck um fuck you have you ever stole just clip that on just clip it away oh my god is it hot in here um that was very rich of you everyone got quiet you're the one that said you hadn't seen a penny in 10 years fuck you um have you ever stolen anything

from a hookups place apartment like a house apartment like anything i have what did you see you're like you're that friend who's like i want to tell you a story but i am going to ask you first to pretend Like, I want to know, what have you stolen? AirPods? I feel like AirPods are the easiest thing to steal because everyone loses their iPods. But I have literally, unintentionally stolen AirPods before, and I'm, like, walking through the airport. And I look down. It's impossible to not steal an AirPods.

But, Hannah, then it comes up as their name on your phone. Like, you have Jeremy's. Like, and you're like, what? You can track you or something. I don't know. I don't fuck with AirPods. I have the old school. I use Delta headphones.

What? Oh, you don't do Delta headphones? I find the amount of delta I could we strangle myself to death with the amount of delta headphones I have knotted up in my bag I could definitely kill a small squirrel with the amount of unsafe delta headphones I have lying around it would definitely the whole ocean would every fish would die with the amount of delta headphones I am we we I feel like the delta headphones kind of like don't stay in my ear. Do you want to check out each other's ear canals right now?

Honestly, I think I have earwax. Oh my God. Someone handed me the way. Hold on. No. I don't shower. Listen to me. Your intrusive thoughts are so crazy and they're just coming out right now.

I'm getting really hot so it's starting to get to my head. I haven't showered in seven days. I haven't showered. I've been searching for pennies. I can't find them anywhere. I'm like, I'm so rich. And I have your hair. I can't. I don't know how much one you have your earwax will find you. I don't know who to go to. No, Hannah, when I was in, this is disgusting. It's actually not. This is important. When everyone get yours checked. Did you have a worm in your ear? I fucking wish. Listen to me. And I would go viral. Listen to me. I'm such a horror for views. I'm like, oh my God, someone put something in my ear. Listen to me. In college, I always would talk so loud. That's actually natural. I don't know why I'm going to blame this on my ears. I talked to.

loud but then i was like maybe i need to get like my ears checked and i go you thought you were deaf i'm like maybe it's because i'm deaf you horrors they're like it's like you can't hear anyone else because you've never shut up they're like you're just annoying the doctor's like just shut the fuck up so i go and they're like oh we see a little ear wax and they do this thing where they like pour it into me whatever and it's basically like a honeycomb looks like it came out of my fucking ear and i was like holy shit that's been in my ear then i kept talking about it's like getting a what's it called up your blood it's like a colonoscopy it's like a colonoscomy for your ear yes yeah you're calling hospital i'm literally fucking my ear it's all draining it's all draining

and then i could hear like a little better but really i was just getting anxious because every time i put headphones on oh it would live like a little remnant and i so the other day i'm doing this prep and this girl was like can i give you these air pods you need to listen in and i'm literally like i brought my own and she was like no you have to use these ones because they're connected to the screen and I literally like literally almost start crying and I literally take it out and I'm like are you going to like let me keep these after it's like when someone lends you their underwear and you're like I'm kind of spotting right now it's just like little like discharge you're like don't look at it this is disgusting be some egg legs we are literally vile

but Alex a cue tip in your ear better than sex said it I said it we all were thinking better than sex because it's naughty like you're not supposed to i have one better you're like this is bad no i have one better and it's going to be so fucking disgusting and i'm really never going to recover from this you know what's better than a fucking cute tip a fake gel ex i think all girls i want us to be secret spies i want us to break into car doors with our gel ex like literally like hold on second i want this i these are too long yeah this is giving like i like i can't text right now i'm at the point where like they've grown out the last amount where i have to like i actually have never gotten fake nails before is this the longest you go yeah and she put them on i've never gotten full

because i like i like i killed the whole family you know when you break one you're like fuck it yeah get and i was like how do you get them off and she's like oh it's a whole process you have to like soak for three days and then you're like it's a whole thing you're like getting like i don't have time for this shit canna i the other week just took a fucking yeah clipper and just clipped them all off So they were just straight-up. Every day I have to fight that urge. It's disgusting, but I have them now. So anyways, pro tip, if you have any of your wax,

just take your gel-act and scoot it around. Because the best is you can scoop it out. Because my fear is these Q-tips are just shoving it deeper in. You've seen those videos, Hannah. Yes, I have seen those videos. Oh, I remember the one, my favorite moment from Caller Daddy. I just remembered it. It was when I said the only way I can orgasm is with my leg straight.

And I've never had more of a connection with girls in my life. Hannah, I want you to know that. I did end up trying that, oddly, maybe like a week after we filmed together. Yeah. And I thought of me. I don't see this. I would say this. I thought of you. A lot of time.

I was having an orgasm. I'm like, Hannah, you were right. Well, you got to clench. You get to clench. I'm afraid, too, if I bend my knees, I will fart. Oh, my God. I'm afraid. You're like, oh.

It's literally terrify you. You're holding a doggy. I mean, you don't even get me fucking starting. But yeah, I guess I can say I've had an orgasm and I've thought of you. So thank you. Cheers. Oh, okay, what did I feel? How did we get here? Your what? I, did I take us off? Delta, AirPods. Have I stolen? I was dating this. I was dating this. I was dating. I was dating. I was dating. Did you just say what if it's? When they're rich does it count? Like, you know, like with big box stores, there's like taxes. I thought about this. Well, let me take you through my thought process. So he was sleeping. You got him. I got him. The melatonin hit. I finally drugged him. He was out. I am in his apartment and I start to spiral because I'm like, I'm looking at him breathing and

I'm like he's definitely cheating and he's definitely being sussed. We weren't even dating. But I'm like, he's cheating with other women, blah, blah. So I start to panic and I can't sleep. So I start walking around his apartment. And then I get this crazy idea. I'm like, fuck him. I'm going to fucking take something from this apartment.

Like, fuck you. Because you're in a full fight with him at this point in your head. Yeah. I was going to say, in my head. He doesn't know. He doesn't know. So I start going around and I'm looking at these Rolexes. And I'm like, I feel like this is just.

jail because I feel like he's I feel like I'm crazy that like he would actually call the police on me and I was like in college so I like couldn't handle that and I was like I'm not I can't bail myself out I was older would have taken the rollings but I need to finish college first I didn't want to be in juvie couldn't handle juvie I couldn't handle juvie at that point in my life although a mugshot would be kind of like chic at this way I literally I just to figure out like what could I get a mug shop for and I'm like yeah so anyway so I'm cruising around and I'm passing by the roaches and I finally am like let it go out you say rauches watches watches okay got it Rolexes I see the Rolex and I can't afford shit at this point then I'm like okay can't take that

so I'm looking around looking around and then finally this is the most petty thing because it's so stupid and it might as well have been headphones Hannah I find this box that has not been opened and it's a GoPro and I look at it and I'm like I pick it up I put it in my purse and I fling my purse over my fucking shoulder and I steal this man's

motherfucking GoPro I haul myself a cab I get home and I put the box on my decks and I'm like ha there you go motherfucker and I never used the GoPro and I would look at it and I did nothing with it I have two things to say no one's ever used a GoPro second of all if a man has a GoPro that is the biggest

I've ever had men with gopros? I'm like, he was an athlete. I'm like, what is he doing with this GoPro? And then I fucked an athlete a couple months later, and he had a GoPro on his fucking headboard. And I was like, no. Wait, that's fucked off. Hannah, he had a GoPro on his fucking headboard.

I was literally like. Did you steal it after? You're like, wait, I love attention. He's like in the shower. I turn it off. You go, that's the government. Hi. I'm like,

so that's what I stole okay um if you want to steal something though that's like actually who pissed them off what his remote you're the devil ruin his fucking life ruin that man's life just take their moat and he'll always think he lost it in the couch somehow taking someone's remote is probably the meanest thing you could do a person more time that he has now to text you I'm like, babe, I'm just taking it so you can respond. You just keep taking everything from his house. Netflix was like distracting you from like our connection. He's like, I hate you.

You have to say you don't really know a person until you've seen them in a room trying to find their remote. Fuck, go into a restaurant and seeing how they treat the waiter. Hide their remote and see how they act. That is the real person right there. Oh, because you've had it where they're like, what the fuck? What the fuck? And they're flipping tables.

You're like, egg candy. I don't want to have a child with you. And then the next is you literally just were like, it was under your pillow. Like, here you go. It's really not that deep. That's the ultimate problem with men. They can't even find the thing that you told them where it is, but they're running the FBI. But I'm not, I digress.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, let's just move on. We don't have time to solve those issues. Do you have any exes that, like, hate you? Do you have any, like, are you all good terms with your exes? Great question. So my therapist told me that I'm a little, like, I don't talk to any of my exes except British Dave.

British Dave. I love British Dave. Shout to British Dave and Angel. So cute. And then there's some who I know don't have good boundaries. So I blocked them. And one blocked me because these are. bitch any man who blocks you that's an egg it's so fucking because i didn't even do anything to him

and i'm like oh my existence it makes me i check and he still has me blocked and i'll be like she's still that girl she's that girl that's literally the craziest thing to think of a man growing man to press block up like if i was the person he's with right now and i if I knew my husband had a girl blocked I would be jealous because I'd be like what's wrong if you are blocked he's in love with but then I had to blow up on TikTok so he'd have to block me on TikTok he's literally going to every phone now he's to block fucking Netflix bitch that's the thing I joke about I don't care what hard times you go to because I actually this particular man had did stuff that like he tried to hurt my career which like that's when I don't die with that so then I was like I didn't

even want a Netflix special but now I have to and my friends would joke because I'd be in Vermont doing like 10 shows I'm dying and they're like is it worth it and I'm like it's fucking worth it's worth it's worth it so I don't and the thing is sometimes you get this motivation from anger so good but the best part is when you get to the point that you forgot why you're even mad at them and then people are like this is your time like go on call her daddy drop the name call them out tell show the receipts you don't care anymore right you're literally like we but I have a Netflix special. Who is he again?

What did he do? You literally forget. And that's called healing. It's not only as a healing. And I'm not like fully healed by any means, but it is close to healing. Yeah, no, but think of him getting the email. Do you want to re-up your Netflix subscription and he goes in to re-up it and your fucking face? No, that's the lady Gaga moment.

Like anywhere you go, you'll have to see me. Do you think any of them would label you a psycho X? it's so funny the most psycho thing about me is that I avoid confrontation so I've had so many relationships that had zero fighting and then one day I would just call them because I had a talk with my mom and I'll listen to anything this angel bitch says one of my worst relationships that like on paper like everyone was like this is the greatest thing for you and one day I just poured my heart out to her being like I don't feel good about myself he's never laughed at one thing I said he always walks in front of me by like five feet like he controls everything like

when I get to see him all that stuff and I was young I was like 26 he was older and she goes you're not going to his apartment and this is like two days ago she's like he's the best she goes you're calling the phone picking him up calling the phone calling him you're picking the phone to call you're calling your phone pick up you're picking up the phone to call him you're on the highway and I was like I was like and she goes I'm sitting with you we're doing it right now and i called him and i said like i want to end it and he's like what are you talking about he's like and he i was like okay like i want to i can't do this anymore and then another guy was really fucked up that's a mind fuck another guy which was so fucked up he was so sweet so nice and my i was like

23 24 and my mom was just like he's not it and like i really liked him he was so nice but like i knew deep down that it wasn't right he wasn't the one i wanted to marry but he was so nice like he was great my mom was like mm-mm and she was like Hannah you're wasting time like just get out of it we have no issues I call him and I was like I think it was in person I was like we have because once I decide I'm out you're out so I was like we have to break up and he just looked at me as a saddest thing ever he goes so I can't like talk to you tomorrow and I remember just being like I'm sorry like my mom's a savage and I'm so scared of her and she wants the best for me and she knows big picture and I can't waste my time with you because you're kind of a loser Hannah not you blaming your breakup on your mom you're like it's my mom I go You can talk to Lenore. You can, like, but she's over it. But then I've had times where she won guys she liked that I wanted to break up with. I waited for her to go on vacation and I broke up with him when she was on vacation

because I wanted her to enjoy her vacation comes back. I go, I broke up with him. She was like, how do I like you? I'm obsessed. I think that's like the most fun thing with like I would say with my mom too is like Lori has lived all of my relationships. Like when I just did an episode about this athlete, she was like, oh my gosh, but you didn't tell the story of this.

and this and this she's like my mom literally goes you should make it a whole summer series that you do all these stories about him i'm like mom we're trying to not get sued mom also like i'm married mom calm down she's like but i wrote them all down i have it in my notebook from your college days when you would call me i knew you would need these stories one time like one fucked up thing if my mom doesn't want to fuck him i don't want to be with him and i hate to say it but it's so true if your mom is like he's nice nope I want my mom to be flirty with him I want to see that she gets excited when this man walks in the room and that is so disgusting and sick but my mom is nodding listening be like yep I want my daughter to be with a fucking hot like because mom my mom and I are very independent we're gonna have a man in our life

they need to be an asset and good to look at period and that's on that period I do have to say I tell my mom everything too and I posted because I was so excited to go and call her diet And I was like, guys, I'm going on a big podcast. Which one do you think it is? And I put like the little thing where people can comment. Like, Rogan. My mom goes, call her daddy. She knows.

And I'm like, Mom. I was just on the phone with you. She like got excited to answer. No, she's that girl. I'm obsessed with your mom. And I'm just obsessed. I think it's really nice to be able to like rely on your mom and then also blame your mom for everything.

Well, there was, was it Julia Dreyfus, Louis Drey? Sorry, she has so many names. Yes, yes, yes. I think someone. I think it was her gave a speech where she was just like, can we listen to older women? Like older women know so much. They know everything. So it's like you have this asset that is your mother.

You came out of her. Use her. And ask a ton of questions. And yes, I know some moms like, you know, it's not always great. And then ice her out. I see her out. If she's a fucking nice, like literally a narcissist like Zizo, can I speak? I need a nice to speako.

You're like, I'm going to pick up. him and call the phone it's literally so hot you knew what i was going to say though you knew what i was say ice are out anyway so yeah that's my problem and i think some guys have been probably a little confused but um i've never i've never pulled like a crazy moment like i have so much pride and it could be insecurity where like i never want people to think that i that's what like things in my past have annoyed me where people are like she's obsessed with him or whatever like i'm i'm never put myself in that position because I am prideful and insecure I get it so like when people like guys in the public I'm like that man has never made me laugh he's like annoys the fuck out of me and like

I just want to have fun but isn't annoying I hate it the double standard of like a man can say that stuff and then people will then other women will agree with the man and be like you're so right and then if a girl just goes right back out the guy people like she's such a bitch like yeah I also why don't we gang up on the man you fucking whores like what I had that one thing too where some guys would like, they would like my attention or they liked my conversation or something. And that's like the most valuable thing to me where it's like I'd rather us just fuck and me like have a fun story than you consuming my life, calling me eight times a day. And then like men are not your friends. I have hilarious, beautiful people in my life.

A man who's hot with no personality is not your friend. And never will be. And probably shouldn't be your boyfriend either. No. if they're too hot they're scary no they are so scary like really scary let's talk about the special okay barbara walters i rest in peace rap fucking love you bitch um you need to explain to me how did this come to be tell me everything i do have to say from doing a reality show you sometimes you feel larger than life you feel like you're the coolest person ever you're funny

you're perfect everyone loves you which is like also not true or you're you can't can feel like they put mud on you and everyone just sees you with this stuff on you and you're trying to shower it off and you feel misunderstood and feeling misunderstood was like my biggest fear and the universe was like let's do it to you and I was in definitely a place but I was in a dark place but I never felt stuck I just was like okay we got a pivot we got a pivot I was in this like where's the next thing and TikTok was this new crowd where like people don't know who I was and I got to just like therapeutically I would go on stage after reality TV and I would in my head be like I hope these people don't hate me and I was but I had this drive to show them like I want them to

at least not like me because they don't like my comedy which is such a like more peaceful perspective like it's kind of like all in your control if they don't like it it's fine tell me if you don't like the art and like cool we're expressing ourselves and also and I needed to get better and when I was on stage it's fucked up but my mind is very doesn't shut up So when I was on stage, it was the only time that I wasn't repeating or trying to figure out, like, my past. So I got to be present in that moment telling my quief jokes. But it was like my safe space. And then comics was this crew of people who made me feel so much better about myself.

They were dying laughing at the shit I was going through with reality TV. Like they were, I was telling them these stories. They were like, I would have burned the house down. And they made me feel a little more scene where you can feel in the wrong crowd. you really do feel like you're losing your mind and that's what the point is a lot of the time so I started to get this I almost feel like hot girls don't traditionally go let's do stand-up comedy tonight or let's go to the stand-up comedy club you go with your boyfriend but I was able to kind of cultivate this algorithm of like I'm biased but like hot successful funny women who wanted to laugh

and felt safe in their bedroom laughing at comedy and then with Giggly Squad and getting the girls to come out to the show, I was like, oh my God, we have this like group of women coming out to comedy shows, loving stand-up, and a lot of them was their first ever shows, and it was powerful. And because I was selling tickets, I didn't have to wait to get chosen to be on lineups and stuff. I was like producing my own shows. And then I started doing hand on the street where I was making friends with all these comics,

and then the comedy community started embracing me in a way where I was just, like either you like me or don't i don't care like i don't need you to accept me but like because i came in with some of some followers so some comics will be like well she didn't bomb in enough basements but i'm like i want to build you i wanted to be like chelsea handler as where i i bring people that are talented around me um no matter how many followers you have i fuck with you if you're like a nice person who's talented and it's again selfish of me to be like i i i wanted before you go famous i'm gonna put you on yeah yeah yeah No, but I think it's like you recognize people that you fuck with.

And I feel like sometimes you're right. People will be like, oh, I'm too big for that. Like they make it, they make it. And then I'll give them acknowledgement where you're like, no, I felt like that person that didn't have that. And I wish someone would have recognized how talented I was and not been threatened, but like helped lift me up. Yeah.

And then I just continued touring. I continued touring. Get on the road. Be with my girls. Work on the jokes. Work on the jokes. And then variety kind of noticed me. and was like she's definitely got shit going on and we get a call from Netflix.

Oh my God. Now the crazy thing about this call is my agent's like Netflix wants to do a special with you. I'm freaking out. Like I have a video of me like I was like shaking. I go to the other room and I'm like, Des, I got a Netflix special. He looks at me. No smile. And he goes, yeah, you're not shooting that.

And I was like, I'm sorry? Isn't this like the goal? And he goes, you have nine more months of touring. And you're going to do those nine more months because your bits are going to be tagged up and that much better at the end of it. And you tell them you'll shoot it the latest you can possibly shoot it. So like he's immediate, he's a protector. Of course. And he has done his own career where he's like, you don't rush into a special.

Right. But like I love this material so much and I'm so happy that I basically told Netflix like in a year I'll do it. So they were like, why? And I was just like, I think I could make it even better. even though they liked it at the time. That's like, so I like, I sat on that shit. Like, and I, I wasn't allowed. I didn't even tell Paige for like a month.

For a month. Just because I like, two minutes. I like, I looked through too long and I was like, because I just wanted to sit in it. But it was such a great moment of like, it's not about the special. It's not about clout. It's about like putting out something you're proud of. I thank you for sharing that because it makes it even cooler now to like, I can't wait to watch it. I was literally like, can I get a screener?

And they were like, no. And I was like, like okay we were actually doing color correction still i was like can i watch it and they're like no and i was like no okay fine i'll watch it with everyone else i'll fucking text no i'm excited i'm gonna like have wine matt and i are going to sit down i'm going to be sending you pictures i'm going to watch it i'm so fucking excited but i truly am so proud of you like i feel like when i met you i was like oh my god this is someone i could have been friends with my whole life like having been athletes like knowing the fucking trauma that you have from being an athlete,

knowing the type of person it just like builds you into. And you're like so competitive with yourself. And I think sometimes for especially women in sports, I feel like that gets misconstrued. And we've dealt with like being our worst critics. So I think we fight similar battles all the time. I think that's why when we message each other, it's like, how are you doing against your demons?

No, Hannah and I, if you go through all of our messages, we are only texting each other. like check-ins we're like I just saw this how are you doing I'm so proud of you proud of you you good okay talking a couple months like have you slept right we're like you good and then we're like you ready to come on the pod you okay okay you're wearing jorts amazing midlife crisis cue it now I I just am so excited for people to watch this and I feel like you from when I met you to now is what I was saying is like you were so funny back then but we both were insecure and

of course we're both still insecure in some capacities but like i can't wait to watch the special because you are so much more yourself now than when i met you you were we were both going through it not that we weren't ourselves but like you're you're leading with like you're so fucking talented you are like anyone i talked to about you recently are like oh my god fucking hannah burner she's lights out like i can't wait to see the special like you are just i get chills when i talk about it i feel like i'm living in a dream like I feel like I I redid the last pod with page and then I fell asleep and then I had a dream that you were sitting here being like you got an Netflix special like it feels like it's here but I'm turning into my dad he loves quotes and he was it basically is like what if

your biggest dreams came true and I think you are a good um example of that because you showing that because it's kind of lonely sometimes at the top and you showing that a girl could get a lot of attention and run a full company like it's paving the way for other people to be like oh that dream is not too scary and I do feel like with this special I really hope that more girls are going to be like I'm just like Hannah and that's how I am with my friends wait I like I like fuck with this I want to do stand up because I have this conspiracy there that like women are made for stand up where gossipers we complain we overanalyze like that is what stand up is So I just like disrupting male spaces and making men upset.

And I think we write at dawn. We write at dawn. Last question, Hannah, how are you going to feel if your Netflix special is potentially in the background of some Netflix and chill sessions and people are fucking tier special? Oh. Have you thought about that? It's going to be so awkward because I'll literally be talking about how hard it is to ride a guy while you're riding a guy.

And I don't know how you'll recover from that. or like how like you're holding in your fart when you're cuddling and it's like you haven't had to fart all day and then suddenly the second is dicks on your butt you're like I have the biggest gas bubble I've ever had Hannah they're going to be Netflix and chilling watching you and she's like oh my god isn't it the worst when you're holding in your fart and the girls are like shut the fuck up Hannah

and you're like how would a queep and she's literally like oh my god maybe watch this with your girlfriends but I think you're boyfriends and the men in your life should watch it because it's quite educational it's very educational all it's for everyone we ride at dawn hannah i could sit here and talk to you for 17 more an hours i love you and thank you for also being so good at interviewing because you make me look good bitch you look fucking difficult except for the shorts but i'm kidding i love me i'm i'm literally touching i'm patient i'm like what's going to be furious when i tell her i wore jorts

on call her daddy she'd be like you fucking disrespectful cunt but you guys have to it's good you both have you're you're different it's where i love i'm like you're different Anna it's just because you're different i love you thank you so much for coming on color daddy this was everything and more i love you this may have been her best work yet no i think it is i love you