Call Her Daddy - Heather McMahan: Blow jobs, hall passes, & frat daddies

Episode Date: October 2, 2024

Join Alex in the studio for an unhinged and hilarious conversation with Heather McMahan where they discuss blow job techniques, the time her husband partied with his hall pass, being a golf widow, and what millennial trends are worth fighting for. Get ready to laugh your ass off Daddy Gang. Enjoy!

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Heather McMahon, welcome to Call Her Daddy. Hi, honey. How are you? I am obsessed with you. Just for context to everyone that doesn't know, we met virtually while I was in Paris. Yes. You popped onto my live show. I had the best time with you. It was so much fun, and it was like 6 a.m. at home, and your team was like,

Hey, do you have a couple wigs that you could just throw on real quick and I'm like yeah sure let me just go down to my office and get my wigs yeah you pulled out all the stops but I'm more Heather like how the fuck have we never met before I know I feel like this is now a kismet moment right we've been circling in this well we've been like on the you know we've been circling around we're on the outskirts we're circling the drain and now we're just fully going to the gutter you're close with jackie shimmel yes jackie's like my best friend and every time i feel like she's ever i've ever heard her talk about you she's like she's the funniest person i've ever met and i'm like well at first i thought jackie was the funniest person i've ever met and i'm absolutely you're way more hysterical you're funnier um i watched your stand

up which we're gonna get to yeah it's fucking. Thank you. No, like I was doing my makeup this morning, watching it, laughing like hysterically. I like that. It's fucking brilliant. If you like, that's the response I love when people are like, hey, I think I got a UTI after watching your special. I'm like, I fucking did my job. It's how I felt. Also, I just want to let you know that I'm on like too many cups of coffee right now

because last night I didn't sleep for a fucking minute because my dog has explosive diarrhea. Oh, I've been there. Honey, I have two French Bulldogs. It is a dry heat.

It is a, every morning I wake up and I bought like expensive sheets. That's one of the things I did when I started making money to treat myself. There is, my thread count is so fucked. There is a French barf every single night in the middle of the night

but I feel like you would prefer a barf over diarrhea um honestly at this point it's all starting to look and smell the same so it's not great either way it comes out no Heather I literally was like so I'm watching tv last night my husband falls asleep early it's like 11 30 I'm watching like the perfect couple with Nicole Kidman which is it's a thing i've got feelings yeah i have feelings too um but you know there's nothing to watch so i'm like trying to enjoy myself matt's like i can't watch this trash i'm like shut the fuck up then go to bed right i hear the little noise and i'm like here from the stomach like the gurgle that wet gurgle that's the worst it's more of a little bit of like like some farts yeah yeah some bubbles why am i being demure being like did you did your dog fart like it was more of like a splatter

oh like a like a big splatter people hate when i talk about shit on this show but i don't give a shit okay shit yeah come on you're in your 30s and you haven't shit yourself at a costco in the last six months then you actually need to see a doctor. Get your life right. Like, fuck off, okay? So he's splattering. Yeah. And I wake my husband up and I'm like, Matt, Bruce just shit all over the carpet.

Right. And Matt is like, okay. What do you want me to do? Go clean it up. Now, I have never cleaned their shit ever if it's like in the house. Matt is the best. And I want to talk to you about Jeff, your husband today. We'll get into that.

Yeah. Let's talk about jeff your husband today we'll get into that yeah let's talk about jeff yeah yeah we're gonna talk about our husbands because i look at matt like mortified matt never makes me really do much around the house he's kind of like the house man you know we're the breadwinners yes well matt's also doing fine but whatever yeah so he won't get up and i am on my hands and knees and i am doing the clorox i'm doing it all an hour later he shits again and two hours later he shits again so I you are seeing a woman who is broken today I'm seeing a woman who has literally had herself elbows deep and golden doodle doo doo so I'm here for support I actually have been having like the worst anxiety the last few days. Why? Just there's so much shit going on, and this is what I've been looking forward to most.

It's just like I wear 65 different hats, and literally I was at dinner last night trying to enjoy a nice porcini risotto, and I literally was kind of geeking out a little bit. Do you get anxious? I was short-circuiting. I thought I had a stroke at dinner, and I was like, is it the Aperol Spritz? Do I need a beta blocker? Do I need a Lortab? A little bit of both.

A little bit of both. I just took a Benadryl and I just let it fly. Do you get anxiety a lot? I never really had bad anxiety until my life started getting good, which is weird. Wait, what? I think it's a pressure thing. I think you just, and I travel so much, I think I don't know what time zone I'm in ever. Yeah, it was like when life life was tough I was just cruising when life got like things started to you know

start flowing I think that's when I started to get anxious why because you think it's like there's more to lose like when you're on the up and up you're like I have nothing I am worth nothing I'm a loser when I was rock bottom I was like fuck it let's ride and now I'm just like oh people are relying on me there are comments on the internet I don't know we're good this is a safe space the daddy gang is gonna fucking love you and you're funny as fuck and so you're funnier than probably everyone that I've had sit in this chair so just do your fucking thing I know everyone calls you daddy and father but my dad is dead can I just call you dad because I'm looking for a father figure in my life call me dad um I'm here for you I've oh I've had a lot of girls reach out being like I had a deadbeat dad

like you're my dad you're my father figure whatever way I can fit in fatherly to your life I'm here for you Heather I'm so sorry about your dad but it happens but I'm here okay great okay we need to talk about golf because it consumes my life heather and i know a huge part of your stand-up is you talking about your fucking husband thing in the fucking golf it is like every woman understands it the golf widow thing is so fucking real talk to me about like where you're at in your golf journey have you seen him lately has he been on the golf course often like what's happening i was you know getting full glam this morning running around taking calls answering emails and my husband's buddy put us in a group chat and sent me a photo my husband's playing some prestigious course in the middle of nowhere like rock you know upstate New York and it's just like

look at you know look at big daddy swing and I respond I'm fucking working go home take care of our fringy children get the fuck out of here you're like i don't give a fuck i don't give a fuck if he's you know letting it rip i need oh you're stuck in a sand trap not my problem it's so crazy matt is having like the biggest existential crisis because his country club even that word it does make me kind of like clench my butthole a little bit he's our country club and you know i say your country club he's like it's ours alex like you're my wife now like you're a member I'm like I'm never going I don't know maybe I will like but he is freaking out because it's getting closed for like some construction oh just the course oh and so he's trying to get it get it in get it in let's go we got to go play I'm like oh my god you're never home I have one stipulation so we at our country club and I actually think you would thrive as a

country club girly I don't think people give country clubs yes there are archaic practices there but I love going to my country club it's the one I grew up at the one my grandparents were members of I hang out with a pack of like 75 year old women they play bridge we drink white wine and nobody gives me shit you know what I mean but I did say there is a stipulation like in our prenup because I am actually the actual member of the country club because I was a legacy so my my thing is if like we ever divorce, like I get the club membership. And if you don't think I'm going into the men's locker room and ripping Jeff's plaque off of his locker, you must not know me. Oh, my God. You're going to be married forever.

Even if you hate him, he's never leaving you. And I do have a great husband. So shout out to Jeff. We won't shit on you this whole episode. But I do when I'm there. He got mad one day because they didn't know like under our membership you know they would always refer to him as Mr. McMahon okay and he got upset one day he's like you know it's just like they don't know I said then Jeff correct them let them know that you were Mr. Daniels because I didn't

take my husband's last name okay I'm in entertainment I didn't want to do it it's how our kids will be Daniels live your life and I was like imagine what every woman feels like you know what I mean if I check into a hotel and they refer to me as Miss Daniels I go gladly right like don't let that like bruise your ego right no and pump the brakes buddy you get a tea time to make it is so fucking true they get like I I will be sitting in the hotel and Matt will hear like hi Mr. Cooper and he's like yeah and I'm like it's okay Matt stand up for yourself or shut the fuck up like i have and i will continue to have to do for the x amount of years that people will say like hi mrs kaplan

and i'm mrs cooper and i'm like i don't care i don't care because it's not emasculating me my vagina's set and fine like i'm good let's talk about the golf aesthetic oh yeah let's talk about it um the golf outfits look pretty bad for women yeah it's it's pretty farty it's it's rough it's a like a pleated chino short that tucks right underneath where your bra fat is it's it's absolutely awful I'm trying to fix it so give me a little time no it's but I'm trying to fix it how do you feel when Jeff saunters down in the morning wearing his golf outfit like are you okay with the male golf outfits or are you like okay so the way I feel about it is you know I say this in the special but like any man who wears a visor that's an immediate my vagina just shrivels up because here's the thing first of all it looks like you can't afford the whole hat you know

what I mean I don't know these men in visors and then my husband will drive home from like the golf course you know sunroof is open he's had a good match he's singing you know Natasha bedding feel feel the rain on my skin and his like hair is like flipped over the visor so he comes in sweaties and a Peter Millar shirt grass on his chinos and I just go I'm not trying to have sex with you right now why do they come back horny after golf it's no because they feel empowered because they went out and won five dollars on the golf course and then they're like let's fucking do it so I was thinking about that in your special because i'm like okay they come home and matt does the same thing like matt is successful like he does great business he will come home and be like i won 50 bucks and i'm literally like he's like you ready to blow me we're like no take a shower you smell

like the outdoors get out of here but they're so excited about like that $5 or that $10. Because they conquered something. It's work is one thing. But when you're out there, when you're in a foursome with guys and they're, you know, it's all shit talking and they're like, oh, here goes Jeff. He's got a 40 foot putt and he makes it. There is nothing that gives a man a bigger boner than sinking a putt. It's infuriating.

It is infuriating. And I try and think about like, like what makes me that horny? And I think I'm really stepping up my golf game because I played growing up. And now I'm like, I really do. I want to play because it's a great sport. But I also just want to steal the joy of the, you know, the one thing that gives Jeff joy. And he's like, I love when you play with me and we have a great time. We go out and it's like, I mean, I, you know, I drink wine and, you know, rip some old cigs

and just have a blast in the outdoors. But I am trying to get better to beat him. Cause I do, I need that for my ego. Right. You're like sneaky on the competitive. You're like, Oh, I guess I'll play too. Jeff. Meanwhile, you're like getting sessions in the back. You're getting full like coaching. I have three coaches right now. I have, I have a gal on the LPGA. Shout out to Maria Fossey, who I send videos to. And she literally is like, we got to tighten up the swing. Oh, yeah, I'm getting good. But Jeff doesn't even know. So one day you're going to come through.

He's going to hear this and be like, you bitch, you liar. OK, so we don't roast our husbands this entire episode. No, I'm the best. He puts up with my shit. I was. Jeff is the only person who can look at me and be like, sit down, shut the fuck up. You're being crazy. And I'm like, yes, sir.

Yes. OK. Daddy. Yes, Papa. Yes. shut the fuck up you're being crazy and I'm like yes sir yes okay daddy yes papa yes I was gonna say give me some like talk about some of your favorite things about Jeff because then we're gonna keep roasting yeah we'll get right back to the roast um no Jeff is honestly like you know it's interesting if you ever like hang out with other couples and you can tell they're not actually buddies like Jeff is my buddy I mean yeah we fuck hard but like he

is my buddy I don't want to hang out with anybody else other than him like of course I love hanging out with my friends but like we fucking giggle together and I think that's no it's what you need it's what you need because you're stuck with this person no and it's so true like I used to cringe online when I would hear people being like he's my best friend like no he is like Matt is my best friend like they're not your friend what are you doing right right just don't like say it like that like girls be like he's my best friend and we bought our forever home together I don't just we have matching butterfly tattoos like I got one wing he is the other like okay then you're it's absolutely headed for divorce tone it down also Jeff is you know I mean listen I'm a

comic I get up on stage I rip him a new asshole I talk about you know personal intimate things in our life and he lets me do it and not that he like gives me permission but I said early on I was like you know I need you to be cool with me talking my truth and from my point of view my perspective and he's like honey I never he is so proud of me when I'm on stage and seeing him get excited when I'm having a moment there is no ego in him he is never threatened he is like go let it rip do your fucking thing and that's what makes me horny so he's horny on the golf course I come off stage and he's like waiting in the wings he's like you fucking crushed I'm like I am ready to sit on your face yes I'm getting kind of horny right now I We went from anxiety. I'm a

little horny. I mean, I don't know. This is a wave of emotions here. No, it is. When you start talking about sex on this show, sometimes people are like, oh, I got to leave and go fuck my husband or my fiance or whoever the fuck. So enjoy. You're welcome, Jeff. You're so successful as a comedian. Have you always been funny? Like talk to me, you as a child, like what was going on? Is Heather funny? Yeah. Well, I, you know, I was a fudgy kid. I, and that I was the kid who like always had like always been funny like talk to me you as a child like what was going on is heather funny yeah um i well i you know i was a fudgy kid i and that i was the kid who like always had like a quarter pound of fudge and they're in their uh uh backpack so yeah i think i had to be be funny but no i i always you know i was always in theater and i always knew i wanted to do comedy i mean since

i was like six i was like i'm gonna be i'm gonna tell jokes and um I the first time I did stand up was at my junior prom and I roasted the senior class and that was like one of those pivotal moments I was always doing theater and I was like you know think about how awkward high school is most awkward time of your life right I must be a sociopath if I was like I want to go up there and roast the seniors and do stand up like that could have been social suicide we need to pause because hold on you did stand up at your prom uh-huh pause are you at the prom like also with the date yes I am with a senior who invited me so you're in a gown I'm in a gown and no one knew so yeah so I I pop up literally like from under a table with a microphone I'm like are y'all ready to rock like so embarrassing we have the video of it and it's just it's insane is is I have

never heard of this like at a prom there's usually like a band no I was the surprise entertainment yeah yeah it was insane and so I get up and I do like 20 minutes and I remember walking off stage and thinking oh fuck I have to do this forever so then I just I kind of never stopped because you just knew I knew yeah but like you were you confident like you didn't give a fuck what people were gonna think about you at school I honestly know and I listen I went to the same school from kindergarten through 12th grade so I also wasn't trying to impress these fuckers anymore um but no i think that like listen as a comic if you don't feel like a touch cringy when you're trying out new shit then you're not doing it right right but no i just there was nothing there was no other feeling in

my life that i wanted to chase as much as that feeling of making people laugh love and i'll tell you another uh we're really gonna boost jeff now but when i i was living in new york when i met jeff we've been together a long time and i looked at him one day and i said listen i gotta go to la i gotta follow this i gotta scratch that itch and he was hitting like a buka to beppo or some shit and he's like i love you so much and he's like follow your dreams and in that moment i was like oh fuck i'm gonna Stop. Yeah. We were long distance for like eight years. Yeah. What? I know.

I have girls call me all the time like, Heather, I'm long distance. It's been like three months with my boyfriend. I'm like, if you're not thriving in your own zone, and if that person can't handle y'all doing your own thing, then you don't need to be together. Okay. Long distance where you, he stayed in New York and you went to LA? Yes. And I was only in LA for like four or five years, but then I moved back to Atlanta after my dad passed and Jeff was finishing like a graduate

program in New York. We were just back and forth. I mean, we, we just made it work. Never a breakup, never a pause. It was just always me and Jeff daddy. Okay. Because I'm going to be real. You and Jeff daddy are defying the odds because I have been the little cunt in my podcast. Sometimes I've been like, I don't know if like long distance is worth it I used to say that also in college mostly because I'm like enjoy your colleges it's also not worth it because right if you're in college you're you're probably cheating but you like let's be honest if you're in college right now listening to this with a long distance boyfriend you're getting cheated on yeah leave it also just say hey we're gonna break up during college and I'll see you when you're working for Goldman Sachs and you're out of here. Done.

What are we doing? Done. Yeah. I think that was really my vision was like, it's just too hard in college. However, when you are adult and you can make it long distance work, it's amazing. But that takes very secure people to have trust and to be okay with that long distance. But like, good for you guys. He used to come to all my comedy shows. And this is like when I was in New York and, you know, performing for people in an audience underneath the Brooklyn Bridge and he'd be in his little suits from his

real estate job and he'd sit on the front row and people thought he was my manager so we were like wow your manager is like really dialed into your career and I'm like oh no no I blow that guy stop stop honestly that was probably kind of hot you're like so hot you're like looking at him like he's your business manager you're like oh we're, we're not supposed to, but we should. Let's go fuck in my car. 100%. I love that for you guys. Yeah. And the Jetta.

I only sold the Jetta about three years ago. Kind of wish I would have kept it. Wait, the Jetta was the first car I ever wanted. And then I just could never get a first car until like I started making my own money. My parents were like, we're never getting you a car. So get a job. And I was like, oh, OK. But I always wanted a Jetta.

Jetta. Shout out to Volkswagen. Shout out. They're a great company. Sponsor us. Sponsor us. but I always wanted a Jetta Jetta shout out to Volkswagen you know hopefully they're a great company sponsor us I would love a new Jetta I'm really when I sold that car I was actually sad about it it's a cute car and I got a sensible I didn't go g-wagon I went you know hybrid Audi q5 shout out to Audi sponsorship I think I want the Cayenne because that was the it's the best car my dad had. And I really want it. I was like, that's when I know I think I might buy it.

No, that was like I realized that shit from your childhood really sticks with you. When I went to a private prep school that like I really couldn't afford. I got like a soccer scholarship for high school and I didn't have a car. And so I'm taking the bus every day. And these bitches are rolling in with like Maseratis because their daddies are so fucking rich. Yeah. And I remember there's this one bitch that had this cool porsche it was the cayenne and she had it like it was a white one with like black wheels and i was like whenever i get my

first paycheck that's me not working at my smoothie shop job like i'm getting the fucking porsche and the first thing that i bought for myself for a car was the porsche and i'm like the only reason i still got it was because i think of that girl I can't say her name memory but it's that core memory being like fucking Michelle has it yes I'm getting it I was like and I'm like I don't even know if I actually wanted the Porsche I was literally just like living out my like high school insecurity being like I finally got it yeah I'm like do I like it I actually do sponsor me um okay you went to University of Mississippi oh yeah hotty toddy can you explain your experience in three words oh yeah okay unhinged okay full throttle that's two that's two but who gives a fuck okay unhinged um uh mayonnaise what and uh

just elated i had the best four years of my life. Shout out to the University of Mississippi. I just did a show for them last week. And I loved it. My college experience was out of this world. Wow. Yeah. Like from freshman year? From freshman year. Here's the thing.

Even being from the South, because I grew up in Atlanta, I didn't know anything about Mississippi. The reason I ended up at Ole Miss is because it was the only college that let me. You're like, actually, when I got accepted, I was like, fuck. But then you got there and you're like. I thought I was going to go to Pepperdine and do like theater arts.

Like imagine me in Malibu. No, absolutely not. So I thought I was going to go to Pepperdine. It was two weeks before graduation and I didn't get in because I thought I was going to go to their prestigious theater program. Well, here's the thing.

I was student body president, but a blind cat could have done better on the SATs. I'm not a scholastic test-taking kind of gal. Me either. On paper, it's the thing. I was student body president, but a blind cat could have done better on the SATs. I'm not a, I'm not a scholastic test taking kind of gal. Me either. On paper, it's rough. Okay. So I didn't get in. And I remember sitting down with like the college counselor and she's like, there's two schools that have good theater departments and they still are taking applicants. It was Alabama and Ole Miss. I swear to God, Alex, my hand on the Bible. I visited Alabama. I'm in Tuscaloosa. I'm at like the Sigma Chi house. I watched a man snort cocaine off a chicken tender.

And I said, I called my daddy and I said, I'm going to Ole Miss. Like I like to party, but this is, this is another world. This is some next level shit. So I showed up in Oxford, Mississippi. I didn't know anybody. I did the sorority rush. I had the time of my life. I don't know how I got into a good sorority. Like all of the things, it just clicked. And I, and I,

we own a home there now. I bought a house in Oxford. You did? I go back all the time. I love it. Hold on. Cocaine on a chicken finger? Yeah. Yeah. It was a lot. It was, and you know, in the South we got juicy tinders. It's not like a light, it's not like a, like a, it's not a slim tinder. It's a thick boy. It's a thick boy. boy and I just remember going I don't know if I'm gonna that's some real shit no I love that your honesty is like I love old miss like it was my it's the only place I got accepted but like who cares you end up and that's I think a great note for anyone that's in high school listening god I maybe there are people that listen in high school there are you'd be surprised you guys like it really doesn't matter where the fuck you go to

school and you'll find your spot like I remember being so devastated thinking okay I'm surprised. You guys, like, it really doesn't matter where the fuck you go to school. It doesn't matter. And you'll find your spot. Like, I remember being so devastated thinking, okay, I'm not going to be this, like, you know, Shakespearean actor. What is going on? And I ended up, like, it's the greatest joy in my life. And also, I would not have met my husband. Because my best friend, Tina, who works with me and helps me run my production company, she was from New York.

So this bitch flies down. We're both in the theater department. I'm like, where the fuck are you from? I'm like, where the fuck are you from? She's like, where the fuck are you from? And she's the one who introduced me to my husband. So I had to go all the way to Mississippi to find a Yankee. Oh my God, it's so meant to be. Also, you mentioned sorority life.

I played soccer. So I still to this day don't fully understand sorority life. And I feel like what I'm seeing on TikTok may not be the exact representation of what it maybe used to be. Because now bitches are like synchronized dancing and stuff which maybe it was back then but can you walk me through it is really wild I get asked this a lot about what my sorority life experience is like I do think you're right social media has completely changed the game I mean when I went to college I hate to date myself but it was the first year that Facebook

came out so you know I didn't have to worry about somebody looking at my online profile. I just showed up in a Lily Pulitzer skirt and was like, y'all ready to fucking do this or what? I was pledge class president. I was bid day chair. I had the best time. And also like I see girls online that talk about hazing. No one haze my ass.

I showed up to the Delta Gamma House at the University of Mississippi. I had a monogram pillow with my name on it and a new, you know, bottle of like barefoot white wine. I had the time of my life. But also I'm 5'10". You don't really haze a gal who's large and in charge. No, I would.

Stop. I was going to fucking say like, I feel like what I'm watching on TikTok right now is like, first of all, the dorm situation. How are they? Like, I showed up with the Jansport backpack and I had like a duffel bag and I like threw shit in that I like bought off of eBay. I don't know, what do you got like a Bed Bath and Beyond?

I had a bed in a bag. That's what you did. I called my roommate who I'd never met before and I said, what color scheme are we going with? We did lime green, hot pink and black. And literally it was a bed in a bag. You got the comforter, the, the one sheet. You only had one set of sheets.

That's it. There was no changing your sheet. That's it. And then I got, I remember like when the first day of school started, they had those like poster sales and I got like Channing Tatum on one wall. And then I got like hot girls asses. Cause I was like,

this will really like the guys will think we're cool for this. Love this. Exactly. I'm hot. If they see a hot girls on my wall, cause that makes sense. So much sense. Yeah.

So I don't understand when they're like let's do a transformation and they do the click and it goes from like a dreary dorm room to immediately it's like you look like you're in a fucking palace I have a sorority sister who that's her job now she runs has a whole business where she redoes the Ole Miss dorm rooms wow they have like antiques in the room they're're built, I mean, I had literally like three, those stacked plastic bins that you get at like Staples. Yes.

I didn't even go to a container store. I went to like Office Max and I put my thongs in there and like a bottle of like bourbon that was rolling around in the back. Like nothing about my room. I had a desktop, Alex. I didn't even have a laptop.

My dad ran an IT company and he was so afraid that somebody was gonna like steal my identity and finally I called him I was like dad I gotta get a laptop like I can't be the person lugging the desktop on a dolly all the way up to the library like what the fuck are we doing here yeah I was also a theater major so I didn't really need you know a computer but um still the point is is like it was it is different right now and I do believe some of the bitches on TikTok are really going above and beyond for social media like if you're someone at college right now that is literally just bringing your

PB teen sheets and you got a book bag and that's all you got. Pottery barn teen. Oh my god. That was lux. That was the shit. Do you remember when jersey sheet like jersey sheets came out and it felt like you were rolling around on a pair of levi jeans really actually not comfortable and not sweat wicking i remember my mom was like a give send me the jersey pottery barn teen sheets and i was like in flames when i woke up i thought i had the flu so fucking hot i remember i got like these dark gray ones yeah and the first time a guy came on my sheets and i only had again one fucking pair yeah so i was just looking at that shit like damn I'm fucked and I just left it there. You took like a credit card later on after the cum had dried and you were like trying to scrape it off you were like we'll just

get that off at the end. It's fucking disgusting anyways okay so you were rushing you got into your sorority can you like tell me like do you remember like your chance? Do I remember my chance? I thought you would never ask. So, interesting enough, so I went to the home chapter. Delta Gamma was founded at the University of Mississippi. It was a big deal that they let a woman not from Mississippi into the sorority. I don't know who wrote me a rec, but they saw my ass coming and they said, she's got potential. Damn.

Yeah, so I, it was funny during Rush. So, we used to do this thing called a door song okay and you might have seen it on bama tiktok now they banned it but um like so somebody comes and knocks on the door okay the door opens and like 200 girls hit the deck i was always on the bottom because i was beefy so i'd be on the bottom of this door holding up the weight of my sorority sisters on me and we'd be like like, D-E-L-T-A, Delta D-E-L-T-A. And do this whole thing. And then what would happen is everybody would get off

the dog pile and run out and grab a girl who's rushing. So you're like running through the lawn being like, Emily, Emily, where are you? And you had to pretend like you didn't know who they were, but you had like had giant cards. I mean, you're studying them. And then you're like looking around like, I can't see her. And then this little girl, Emily, pops out of the bush.

She's like, it's me. And then we would run them through the DG house. And of course, since I was on the bottom, I was like breathless. So by the time I got up, I was literally like, where's Emily? Emily from Jackson, Mississippi, are you here? You're like, all your makeup is gone. You're drenched. I am so moist.

It's like, it's not healthy. Your back is blown out. It's awful. You have nothing left to give. I have nothing left. And then you crowd them in this room, this chapter room. And, you know, we're like sitting at them, like breathing hot fire breath on them. Just being like, trying to get them to cry.

To be like, do you want to be here? This is the greatest day of my life. I ate it up though I had the time of my life oh my god what do you think you loved about it because it's a little culty no it is but I really just met all my best friends there love and again I there was not hazing so when I see girls that had like a really like if they ever lined us up and like circled our fat I would have been like I win I get it just y'all go home I'm the fattest one I put on 45 pounds my freshman year like just y'all go home I it was a lot of I mean we did like philanthropy work we had raging parties it really was not toxic I'm sure a couple bitches you know

yeah I mean we fought a couple times but I was also kind of the black sheep like I was always sent to standards because I was smoking cigarettes standing up that's that was a weird rule if it you know if you want to smoke a cigarette if you want to rip a heater you gotta sit down cross your legs wait what yeah because you gotta look ladylike oh my god so you can smoke cigs but you just have to do it you have to sit down so if I was standing up I couldn't but if I was sitting down having a cigarette that's kosher you know do you still to this day sit down or do you stand um I only have uh i hope my life insurance policy doesn't hear about this i love a i'm kidding hypothetically allegedly i love just a sig when i'm in italy it's my vacation sig but i'm not a smoker okay contrary to popular belief

people hear my voice i'm not a smoker you've got a great voice but can i also say to this younger generation i really get concerned about, I was at the college bar the other day and we have the bar in our town called The Library. Oh, cool. So when my dad would see all my charges, he called me one day and he's like, God damn it, Heather, return your fucking books to The Library. This is insane. Stop.

He didn't know it was a bar. Oh yeah, it's my favorite bar in America. Genius. Mm-hmm. Oh. But literally, I see these kids, like everybody's ripping the vape and they're all passing it around and i turn to a young man in the bar and i go honey this is how you get mono or cold sores i don't know what we're doing here but y'all all need to just have your own vape

heather no no i thought you were gonna say something completely different what do you think you're gonna say this is how you're going to get lung cancer no no fuck them I'm worried about Epstein-Barr virus I am not worried about their lungs okay come on now I don't have time for that instead of being like you don't you shouldn't have them

just each of you get your own stack up this is why you guys are all going to have strep throat get your own daddy gang stop dueling stop dueling we're done um okay i know you refer to yourself as the elder millennial is that that's true right well yeah i mean i i am uh i'm you know you're a young woman yeah thank you thank you i am young youthful you're very young thank you i want to talk about some of the millennial trends okay and i And I want to hear your take is, do you think we should bring them back or how do you feel about them in general?

I'm so excited for this. Side parts. Oh, let me tell you, there is nothing more dramatic, more old Hollywood glam than a side part. I was actually in my sorority house the other day and I found my old composite photo. It was such a deep side part.

It started at the base of my jaw, okay. It was such a deep side part. It started at the base of my jaw. Okay. It was just a thick comb over. I had no eyebrows, but I think the middle part, like I'm fighting for my life right now. I have an intense cowlick. And if you knew the amount of time, effort and Orbea dry texture spray that is holding me together. Because which way do we go? Which way does your hair usually go? It go this way so it wants to be comb over it wants to go full Donald Trump yes it really does I love a deep side part you know obviously you know if you do the deep side part and we do the stick straight like the cheese straightener it's not a good look it's it's really not a good look and I feel like depending on what phase you're at in your life like when I look back at pictures of myself as a young girl yeah I was objectively

not I wasn't like the cutest okay I really it really wasn't it wasn't I didn't know that though no one pulled me aside and said let's blend a smoky eye let's draw in our eyebrows let's maybe go for a leisurely walk so we can get some steps in I was deep deep throating like you know hot pockets chugging bourbon I had not a care in the world but you were happy I was I've never been happier no now I now I'm getting everything I want I'm like god this're like, I want to go back to the good old days. Yeah. But it's true that like when you don't have the eye for it, I guess I can say when I look back at pictures of myself,

there is a difference between a side part and the comb over. And when you do the comb over and you're not going for Hollywood glam, like you're not going to an event and you're just looking for the side part, it can really look busted. So I think you're right. It depends on what you're doing with it. But I would say the side part is usually a flop okay all right you know what fair enough but you also have a perfect straight line through your head so i just think that you need to be a little more inclusive to the cowlick community no that's all i'm saying

you want to hear something crazy what i have a fucking cowl like where yeah exactly the amount of time that i spent oh pushing pushing moving gel starts at 7 a.m bitch and it's fucking almost two o'clock in the afternoon this it was it was sitting setting melting pressing little clips and the clips i i'll go to an event i'll be about to walk the red carpet and i'm like, take the clips out. Remove the clips. Last minute always. The amount of gel and like shit that I had to get to this point. And I sleep with it sometimes like that. Oh, wow. Yeah, I'm dedicated.

Sociopath. I love it. It's the trauma from childhood where I like look back at those curvatures that I was putting over my fucking head. It looked so fucking bad that I am straight part and I will never deter. Have you ever had side bangs? No. Well, I did go through a little bit of an emo phase I was always um yeah but I would be at the like the band's warp tour in like junior high and I would always be in like a full Hollister outfit and a puka shell necklace I still dress like Dave Matthews band um-esque but I was at seeing you know something corporate Simple Plan or one

of those bands. Wait stop I feel like we would have been friends like I was I went through such an emo phase and I would do the colorful like skinny jeans with like a band t-shirt I was obsessed with Simple Plan Blink-182 then I went into All Time Low I had all these different like I was obsessed with Avril Lavigne I wanted to be her oh Avril Lavigne is I remember being like a you know a chubby sixth grader and I'd come home and I'd put her cd in I like because you know we we we had a little money so I had this six disc changer and I would just literally be like it's just like rage out my mom would be like this one I was naturally I would think like happy like I didn't want to be emo but I loved the concept of being emo we're just dramatic yeah we're a little

dramatic yeah I'm sorry yeah that's annoying um okay how do you feel about tall uggs oh god okay well here's my thing my best feature on my body is my thin ankle okay i never i mean look at that have you ever seen a nice more developed thinner ankle that is a very nice it's a very nice ankle. Thank you. Because it gets thin? It's very thin. And I also have nice toe cleavage. I've been told from the toe, the foot fetish community, that my foot, while very wide,

in a shoe, the top of my toes is apparently very sensual. Really? Have you ever thought about making a couple bucks? I have, but I did see that one person left me a bad review on wiki feets and it's not my uh rating down to like a 3.5 I'm very upset you're not actually on wiki feets are you what the fuck I didn't know it was a thing and somebody at one of my shows was like hey by the way I just want you to know like your rating went down on wiki feets I was like what the fuck is dude Heather I'm not kidding you I'm convinced that almost every single man in the world has

a foot fetish you know here's the thing it's not hurtful no it's not hurtful it's just fascinating i would do only fans in a heartbeat if dudes want to send me money to look at my little piggies and it's just it's natural too it's natural it's either you got it or you don't no one's getting like foot implants no one's getting like really fake it's you got it or you don't and if you got it flaunt it i would like to say because you have such a huge international platform. I, you know, big Nike fan, but I've got a wide, wide girthy foot. And if you guys could send me some pairs cut in a wide,

that would be fantastic. I go online and the only pair that's in an extra wide is an orthotic. So please, for the love of God, make a wide in an Air Force One. Okay, sorry. I had to take that opportunity have i could have said something to like find peace in the middle east but instead i'm like can i get a custom nike in a wide because my toes are falling asleep neither literally coming on here and be like what other brand deals did i want to get out of this

episode yes i'm what are we getting we're getting a porsche we're getting we're getting a jetta jetta an audi audi and free shoes for life and orbe and uggs and uggs okay thank you back to the uggs okay so the uggs so can i tell you i'm having a lot of fun i'm having a lot of fun with you too okay back to the uggs so here's the thing to be fair sometimes it's also hard to podcast with people that like my favorite podcasting usually is when people podcast for a living because like you know how to how to do it so thank you thank you for showing up today um okay tall uggs okay tall uggs i i don't like a sweaty calf okay you know i i i would wear them i went to a christian school so we had to wear the uniforms and in the winter that was a thing you wore the tall ugg you could wear them with your uniform we could wear them we didn't have to wear like mary janes or anything i'd wear a tall ugg with

my little like catholic school girl uniform and i just remember huffing it you know through the parking lot just like these are fucking hot we did you have boys at your school we did what the fuck heather i went to an i went to a full co-ed um k through eight i was like in catholic school and i had to wear the plaid skirt and i used to have to say this to like my boyfriends i'm like i know it sounds hot like i was fucking hideous and it's not a sexual fantasy okay now I'd look hot in it but back then it was like to the knee and if not they'd slap you with the fucking ruler like literally old school shit and then we had to have the thigh highs they weren't thigh highs they went to the knee and they were the big socks with the Mary Jane shoe Mary Jane and then they changed to

saddle shoes at one point which was like the black and the white shoe and then we had the collared shirts that wasn't hot the whole uniform we could wear the socks but we in the winter they would allow us to wear the okay and then eventually they got pants because i think i like walked into the principal's office and said i'm fucking freezing okay and i'm a heavy set so if i'm cold imagine what these thin bitches are feeling this is unbelievable we have rights we do have rights fuck you fuck you um okay yeah SoulCycle oh well that's a little triggering and I

you should have warned me that you were gonna bring that up on such a trigger one I worked at SoulCycle okay in West Hollywood around the corner

yeah what I when I moved to LA I needed a part-time job okay and I couldn't get a job at a restaurant

which was really weird because I had worked at some of like the best restaurants in New York I had this crazy you know Michelin star experience and I couldn't get a job at a restaurant which was really weird because I'd worked at some of like the best restaurants in New York I had this crazy you know Michelin star experience and I could not get a job working as a bartender even like a hostess in LA why do you think because I wasn't a porn star that's why I wore a sensible supportive bra to work I would show up to these like interviews with this insane New York resume and they were like but are your nips hard you know I was, I can make them hard.

Give me 10 seconds. I'll be right back. Yeah. I mean, I would go and I would think that I was going for like a nice, you know, like an interview at Spago. And they were like, actually, we have a nightclub. And we were wondering if you want to be a promoter. I'm like, I'm 23 years old.

I should not be roaming the streets of Los Angeles trying to get people to come to your nightclub. That's annoying. So I ended up at SoulCycle. And I remember my interview. I was interviewing to be on the front desk. But I said, because I wanted to let them think that I was here for the long haul. Of course.

I remember saying, obviously, I'd start with the front desk. And I understand you have to work your way up. But my goal is to eventually be an instructor. And the girl interviewing me was just like, yeah, we're good. Nothing about you says like you know star of the fitness community but I actually had a great time SoulCycle was so fun I met my best friends my buddy Raymond a shout out to Ray he's still one of my best friends we used to get in trouble because we would work at the front desk and be like you know gravely hungover of course

and I'd be eating like a chipotle burrito bowl and a diet dr pepper and finally my manager said Heather this is like a fitness studio people don't celebrities don't want to come in and work out when you're like dry heaving over a barbacoa bowl get your shit together no yeah yeah I kind of love that for you you're like you know what though like this is me and this is who I'm gonna be and I'm only at the front desk so like that you can go back there and fucking work out I'm sorry Heather I've gone on one of the bikes before yeah I when I was working this ad sales job they were like team bonding let's go across the street and like during lunchtime go on the fucking soul cycle bikes it hurt robbed yeah it's not great it's not like a good horseback riding where you're like I'm getting a little turned on it's rubbing

my clit in the right way yeah this is like physical pain no this is where your urethra is just ripped off like you have road rash but it's on your pee hole i'm getting like bruises and then like you go to sleep that night you can feel like your pelvis area like pulsating not in a sexual way but then actually once you do it two or three times then you're in it but see i knew how to work the system there i would you know all these big celebs would come in and i would slip my little business card that I made on like vista print okay to have my head shot on it and I would slide it into their like bags and I'd be like if you ever need an assistant if you ever need somebody to open for you on the road please ask me oh my god so funny I did that to Whitney Cummings and I must

have given her 10 business cards she never once called me and then we're buds now and I literally was like Whitney I need you to just know that I used to drop my business card I mean this was 10 years ago like Whitney I was either down to be your assistant or open for you and I didn't either so fuck you but I also love you but now I'm a guest on your podcast so um but it was amazing I loved it so we love SoulCycle okay skinny jeans oh again I am pro skinny jean because I do want to flex my best asset but um i mean god that for me you know you said your crotch hurt during soul cycle i always had a yeast or a uti from a skinny jean it just was so tight right in the grundle it can't be worse than jean shorts though oh i don't fuck with jean shorts you don't no what are we doing here i know absolutely. I'm not fucking with the jean short.

I'm pushing 40. I need to be in a jean short. Get out of here. We are. So are you just. What are we doing here? I of course wear jean shorts. You do?

I think I do. Are you lying? No. Is that the first time you've lied on this podcast? It is. Can I tell you? I'm in a tough spot. I put on a little weight. and I had all these jean shorts that I bought from Zara and I just I tried them on the other day and I was like it's it it's a no-go so I'm just very bitter about that no no no and I get it like jean shorts you have to be really like

you have to be tan you need to feel good yeah it needs to be the perfect thing or just a short dress that's flowy is always a great go-to like i'm always like oh i can like relax here but jean shorts are like yeah they're kind of i'm a baby doll dress kind of gal and i know those had a moment on tiktok but i've got giant jugs and i like a little i like to just sit right here titties under my neck are they real they're real yeah oh yeah and i'll tell you what i got perfect nips for a large breast i got a really nice breast to areola ratio. Yeah, that's my one. You have so much good shit. Fuck you.

You're like, let me show you my thin little ankle. Also, perfect fucking nipple. I literally come in here and been like, I had a great sorority. My husband is fantastic. Life is great.

Now, I haven't shit today and I do have anxiety. But other than that, I'm thriving. No, but I mean, listen. Great tits. I am always now especially you know being in the spotlight I pick apart myself all the time no it's nice to like be like yeah I fucking like something about myself and you know what they're not where they used to

be I definitely would love a lift but they are the areola is nice I'm fucking jealous and I'm already picturing it like I'm thinking of it sexually. Your husband is lucky. Moving on. Super thin eyebrows. Oh, no. Those, they should never come back. Okay, but what's worse? The like giant. I mean, mine are looking a little big today. I mean, mine are thick too.

I'd rather more than less. Really? Because you can always pull a friend aside, take them to, you know, a coffee bean and just say, hey, what are we doing you know this comes from love where we can peel it back yeah but you can never the amount of growth serum castor oil you know and all the eyelash serums apparently make you go blind and they ruin the collagen underneath the eye wait what yeah oh yeah that's a whole thing now yeah apparently we've been using all the lash serums and they apparently dissolve all the fat underneath your eyes and i need perfect i mean i you know maybe i should start rubbing this all over my body

but um no thin eyebrows should never come back that is a crime against humanity it should be outlawed you should have to do hard time if you're over plucking you need to get your life but then like it's so unfair because i look at pamela anderson and like in my twisted mind i'm like god i wish I could pull that off. No one can pull it off but her. But her. And just let her have it and move on. I really, I suffered. And I think because you said earlier you didn't have eyebrows. I growing up had, I had the hair. I had nothing to show for the hair because like if you saw me in the right lighting, you'd see like what looked like a unibrow and it's like all just peach fuzz.

I finally dyed them when I was in high school and I had never felt better in my life. I was like, oh my God, my five head is gone. I've got the angles. It looks good. But then I just kept building on it. And I feel like I really took it to a level where I see pictures of myself in the freshman year of college. It's bad. They got too much.

They were black. Yeah. we definitely over died for a long time and they were cinder blocks i always had thick natural bushy brows but i would go to the nail salon and you know they would just like hold you down in the back i never went to like an eyebrow specialist oh my god i'm like i'm getting a fresh gel set and i'm getting my eyebrows done in the back and i came out one day and the tips were gone i mean they ran away with them and then you know how long it takes to grow that shit back? Oh, you're fucked. You're fucked.

So my entire college career, I had my deep side part. I'm in a pair of gaucho pants. I'm in a halter top. My, you know, perfect nipples are hanging out. I put on 45 pounds and I got no brows. And I didn't blend a smoky eye. I mean, I've really come a long way. Picturing you smoking a fucking cig.

With a cig. And a nice know jessica simpson wedge gauchos gauchos yeah oh god they were good gauchos were great and then if you wanted to hook up with somebody i'm kind of in a gaucho now you didn't even have to take them off they could just slide a hand up there and just finger you you know and that was that was fun the width was impeccable i think we should maybe bring gauchos back i think we should i know people are trying to do the barrel jean and i'm not you know what you can't do is finger somebody in a barrel jean you can't even get half a fist up there i don't think also who wants to finger somebody in a barrel jean if i see a bitch coming down the street in a barrel jean, I'm like, I'm not attracted. No, it's not.

No, it's not the look. Gals, that's what we need to, the barrel jeans are out. But don't you think that is where, that's a definition of women dressing for women, where they like, the girls would think these are cute? I don't know though. Well, as a full woman, just, you know, right now here in the flesh, I say no. Don't fucking do it. let's get rid of it bring the gauchos back by to the barrel yeah okay this is controversial because i'm staring at your

ankle and i'm so worried this goes against everything that we've talked about today about this one body part that's really a highlight for you ankle socks i don't know if you realize are they're currently out what do you oh ankle oh but what do you have these are is that not an ankle sock no ankle socks is where you're showing your fucking ankle okay but I have a no show I thought that was a no you have no socks I was like get out I got a wide fucking foot if you think I'm letting these cheddar blocks just marinate in here I'm not trying to bake a casserole okay again Nike I'd like a wide um okay wait so I thought that was a crew sock so this is whatever the fuck you want to call it but this is not an ankle sock this is that like Hailey Bieber yeah like Princess Diana yeah trendy and I did not know that I was I feel I feel attacked no the problem is this would cover

your one of your best assets yeah um but i will say i i my husband one of his favorite looks is the look you have on right now he likes the bike short the oversized sweatshirt and i'll do the the you know the scrunch socks you will i will scrunch the sock because your outfit right now you wouldn't technically look at you i know now i'm like i don't i don't know what to do like can i get like did i sit like this i don't know what to do you look it's getting hot in here i'm so sorry no no i started this fucking podcast saying to you i was breathing and now it's fucking hot can someone turn on the air okay let's talk about obviously you mentioned your family went through a hard time. You lost your dad. And so that kind of like- Thanks for bringing that up.

No, I know. I'm your father, sweetie. Yes, dad. R.I.P. We love you, Kyle. Yeah, we love you, Kyle. You moved in with your mom. Yes.

And you moved in with Jeff, with your mom. And at this point, you weren't married, right? You're engaged? So, okay, backtrack. When my dad died, I was living in LA. I picked up my shit. I moved home. Okay. And then I moved at some point up to new york but then when the pandemic hit jeff and i moved from new york back to atlanta and i'm living in my childhood home so jeff and i are we and we haven't moved out like like we are we are still three's company why uh great

question because i talked to my financial advisor the other day and he's like, Heather, you're living pretty cheaply. You could, you could move on. I don't know why I think, um, I mean, listen, I adore my mom. She's my buddy. I constantly think like the thought of her sitting at home alone on a Friday night hits me in a deep way that like, it just gives me chills down my spine. I don't know it's not normal um my husband loves it because he gets treated like a king you know I'm the one who can I'm the one who gets yelled at we I was gonna say walk me through this so it's you your husband your mom uh-huh and it's like a normal day are you guys able to like slightly like what's the room setup like where is where like so you would think that I'd be in like the primary bedroom I am not we just blew out a couple closets so we built like another primary my mom is still in

the main bedroom oh yeah I'm in my childhood bedroom that we like blew out two closets to expand you know it's funny somebody asked me the other day they're like what's the wildest like place you've ever had sex I'm like where I currently have sex in my home with my mom down the hall who sometimes will chime in and be like, I can tell from that sound she doesn't like it. No, no, no. Had you ever had sex in your childhood room or even gotten fingered or felt up or you weren't allowed to go in there?

Oh, no. I was allowed to have boys in there. But I also, I don't think a lot of guys called. No. Ever. No, I'm cute. Come on. No, it is funny being back in my childhood home but you know my husband

my mom adores him and he just gets treated like a king where it is funny being back at my house because my mom even though like i'm running the roost and like make money and pay for everything she'll throw shit in a basket okay i don't know if your parents did this growing up like my mom i'll walk in the door from being on tour. Heather, you got 14 things you need to carry. It's all in your basket. I opened all your mail. Your taxes are due tomorrow. You know, you've got some money in your bank account. And I'm like, quit going through my shit. It doesn't matter that I'm an adult. She still treats me like I'm 13 years old. I kind of love it though. It's kind of cozy. It is so cozy. I mean, it's insane. But my mom is mom is you know my mom and dad were each other's truly

loves of their life and my mom was 11 years older than my late dad. Oh. Original cougar. Oh. Yeah so my mom it's been a while trying to watch her date now and she's been bamboozled on like these dating apps multiple times. It's like she thinks she's talking to an architect from New York. Of course. He's you know somewhere uh in another country and he's trying to steal all her social security number. So really, I have to live with my mom because it's Fort Knox. She's just trying to get,

you know, a little dick on the side and I'm not going to have an inheritance because some guy on the other side of the world is stealing all of the funds. Oh my God.

Yeah, it's bad. Oh my fucking God. And my mom's great and she's kind of at this point, she's 76, doesn't look a day over 40. My mom's hot. Perky titties, like tiny. She's spunky.

She travels. And I keep trying to, you know, I ask my audience all the time. I'm like, anybody got a rich uncle or a great dad who, my mom doesn't want to get married again. She just wants to travel. She wants to feel something with a guy. She wants to feel something. Yeah.

And she's like, Heather, I'm not dead yet. I'd still like to be intimate. I said, you get up on that horse and ride girl we I that's so incredible and I actually agree like the thought of a parent being alone as they're getting older makes me want to start crying so I think you're like a lovely human being for do that but like are you guys caring at all so you're not caring when you're having sex that your mom's gonna hear you no but I do I have much better sex when I'm on the road and I'm in a Four Seasons. And we kind of feel bad. Like the parents got away.

And it is funny. We do call my mom the toddler because when we like go to dinner with her, she sits in the back seat and she watches her iPad and she's giggling to her YouTubes. And Jeff gets along with her. Jeff gets along with her. I mean, listen, he is so patient. But Jeff is, my mom's from up north and my husband's from up north. So they kind of like had their own banter

and I'm just sitting on the porch drinking an iced tea going, I do declare. Why are y'all yelling in this house? I am obsessed with it. I also just think like the fact is as a comedian, like it's a really good dynamic. It works. It's working.

It's working. That's, I'm like, I'm not mad about it. Now I would like a little bit more money because if I could expand, if we could upgrade, we need, I would like a little bit more money. Cause if I could expand, if we could upgrade, we need, I would like a big Chateau with like a guest house. So I,

I at least get to be in my own four walls without Robin barking down my throat. Um, but you know, we're putting that on the vision board. Something, something that you talk about in your standup special that had me cackling.

Well, two things we have to talk about two things one is blowjobs because love them and hate them sweetie sweetie sweetie the way that you described heading downtown to the wiener yeah and seeing the wiener hole and approaching it there is a goofy asshole down there it is yeah the wiener hole but it works if you like swirl your tongue in there a little oh yeah oh yeah it's a little if you don't get in that little hole then they're not getting in yours and we all know this give a little surprise but i never try and go for the other hole you know what i mean i'm like that is you do you

i'm you know i when you're married at least you know when your spouse has diarrhea it's every 30 minutes just like your sweet dog so it's like when people like oh you know, when you're married, at least, you know, when your spouse has diarrhea, it's every 30 minutes, just like your sweet dog. So it's like when people are like, oh, you know, they eat and butt. I'm like, no, Jeff had, you know, jalapeno poppers at TGI Fridays on a golf outing and he's been bitching about it all day. No, I don't want to lick his butthole. I'm so sorry. No, it's fucked when you do.

Like, I have never like been opposed. And I know that's like bad of me to say, I have never, like, been opposed. And I know that's, like, bad of me to say. But, like, I'm in the blowjob. And it's the accessory to a blowjob moment. But you know in between that little gooch. I mean, I'll tickle the gooch. I'm in the gooch. I am hitting the taint.

I slap it around a little bit. I take the dick. Just hit me on both sides like I'm doing a little, you know, get ready with i mean i'm doing the layers of blush patrick tom the whole works but i'll tell you right now i'm not getting i'm not going for the back what i love about unless he is rinsed out in the yard no that's what's crazy is if like i've had guys before be like go down there go down there and i'm just like rubbing it because i'm like, I can smell it through the tunnel. It's the wafting. It's wafting. It's wafting towards my nostrils

and I'm uninterested in the fecal matter. I got a long nail. You just tickle. You take the skin. You roll it around a little bit. Because it's also not lost on me. If I go down there and then I go to the wiener

and then he puts it in, your shit is in my fucking V. Thank you. And I'm heading to the hospital. Thank you. That's happened before to me. And you know what we're trying not to do? Have a repeat.

Okay, so what I do appreciate you doing and I could feel the energy in the stadium when you were saying this. Oh, stadium. It was a theater, but yes, I am also playing stadiums. She's in a stadium. It was a stadium. It was a fucking stadium. Is you talking to

men and just being like you say it better but like not really thinking about the dick while you're on the dick the last thing I have ever thought about while I have a dick in my mouth is that dick in my mouth I am thinking about the drama that is going on in the next door app I am thinking about you know the rogue raccoon I possibly may have run over in the Audi Q5 hybrid. Wait, are you deep in the next door app? It's insane. Do I need to get on that?

No, you don't have time. I mean, you're like, I'm running an empire, but you're running like a shempire, okay? No, I love it. I'm in a group chat with all the ladies of my neighborhood. And when I tell you, it is so fun. We had a car burglary like two weeks ago if you give a pack of women and i do say pack of women because we are like wild wolves if you give a pack of women um in a suburban community two clues they have already found the perpetrator

they found who's linked to we have taken down a full cartel so i just want to say fuck the fbi white suburban women and we are off to the races not karens we are more sharons you know i am like not kidding you i've heard people talk about this and i think i even if i'm just on the periphery and want to read about like read in on my community i'd kind of like to get in there because i like dumb shit drama that kind of has nothing to do with me unless i guess they're saying that there's like a murderer in our neighborhood it's so refreshing if you're like i can be on the periphery and just kind of like chime in every now and then fantastic but yes if there's a if there's a murderer in my bushes please let me

know have you ever had a stalker you know what no but like not yet bitch challenge accepted no I've had one person that has lightly kicked it up a notch. Oh, kicked it up a notch. That's the way to put it. It could be equivalent to like getting a little stalkery. But I've done a pretty good job at really like putting things to an end when it gets a little out of control. But someone's kicked it up a notch recently and Matt's handling it. I like that.

Jeff, my husband runs his own meet and greets at my shows by the bar. So, you know, because I have a ton of gals that come to the meet and greets at my shows by the bar. So, you know, because I have a ton of gals that come to the shows and he's in the corner just being like, did you want to get a photo? And I'm like, Jeff, she's fucking nuts. I told you about her. Stop. That's Carol Ann. Run away.

Yeah, he loves it. Do you have a stalker? No, but I did have a woman break into my backstage once. Oh. Yeah, but it was my fault because I had given the security guards a couple of chick-fil-a party platters So they were just raw dog and some nuggets Meanwhile, I'm back there completely out in the nude because I like to like really dress up for my shows So I come out and I sweat like a beast on stage and then I rip off my suit So I was just taking off my glitter suit and I'm about to put on my jeans and a woman's in the doorway and she's like

I found you So one thing you say to somebody you don't say to somebody I found you and then she followed with don't worry I'm not gonna touch you no I was like that's worse I'd rather you just fucking grab my cooter and let's call it a day you know what I mean let's get to the point so what do you want so what did you do did you scream can I literally was like can I just put on some clothes and I put on my clothes I was like what's up girl and she's like man I just told I said how'd you get back like, can I just put on some clothes? And I put on my clothes. I was like, what's up, girl? And she's like, man, I just told, I said, how'd you get back here? She said, I just told the security guard, you know, like, my name's Lane.

I was like, what? No, no. Yeah. That's what's so funny about those moments. It's like when they tell the security guards, like, oh, we're friends. We're from the, sometimes they're like, oh, go in. Go in. I'm not worried about a male stalker.

I think I'd like a little bit of a boost to the ego. But I have always said that I will probably be murdered one day in a TJ Maxx by a you know a white gal named like you know Michelle or uh Tanya like that's gonna happen that's who's taking you down I think that's who's taking like you didn't read my DM I'm like I'm so sorry I didn't see it I didn't know I didn't know I think um I think a light stalker is always good because it keeps you like oh we're doing something right we're kind of a big it keeps you like, oh, we're doing something right. We're kind of a big deal.

We're actually like doing things. We're a really big deal. Yeah. Back to the blowjobs. Yes, absolutely. Great transition. I actually think I'm done with the blowjobs. The point is, is ladies, you don't have to feel bad. And in your special breadwinner, you really, really touch on the important fact of like

no one is thinking about giving head when they're giving head. it's okay if you're multitasking and that's fine and what did what was the other thing you fucking said that was so funny oh oh my god that you believe that all men are slightly on the spectrum and all women have adhd i do true i think so here's the thing men are really good at getting dialed into one thing my husband is incredibly successful but he's successful at one thing at a time. Meanwhile, I will be on stage delivering jokes. I already have my Uber Eats order in my head. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I've got to call my attorney on Monday about the thing with the thing. And I'm multitasking all the time. I mean, there are some days where I feel like ADHD can cripple you, but I've realized it's actually, I feel like all women's superpowers yeah it gets it gets shit done we get shit done but yes I do not think about any

anything sexual while I'm blowing my husband and I tell women the best thing and when people come to my show you know they used to be like oh I drug my husband and then the husbands have the best fucking time my shows for everybody but my job is I like to I know it's so fucking annoying I had I drug my husband here i'm like that you didn't have to put a gun to his head i blow them backstage if you come to my show i will put your dick in my mouth i thought you were saying the people were saying they drugged their husband sorry i probably said that with a little country twang like, they drugged them husbands to my show. I'm like, all these men are fucked up. So what they did is the husbands were out working in the yard.

And then the women gave them a little date, you know, a little pill in a Coors Light. And next thing you know, they're at a Heather McMahon show. Could you imagine? If all of a sudden you just came to and you're like in a room and there's a glitter uh uh you know a full-figured blonde woman in a glitter suit just being like that this is what happens when there's a dick in your mouth that would be like the worst trip of your life i'm happy that i clarified out there because i'm not fucking kidding you multiple comments would have been damn like that why didn't you talk about how like she drugs her no no i'm so sorry i meant i meant when you drag like you force them to come

drag yeah and then the guys are like fuck fuck, I never saw it that way. And they have a great time. But yes, I don't think guys realize we're always, the mind's always swirling. We're always on the move. We're always on the move. We need to talk about the hall pass situation okay great yes i'm not i i'm not trying to give away too much of your special because everyone needs to go watch it and there's so much good fucking shit but this hall pass situation you almost can't help but be like did this actually fucking happen yes is insane heather this is

insane walk us through also legally i don't know what i don't know what i'm allowed to say but no i my my husband's hall pass is the incredible gorgeous model kate upton love and we were down in the turks of cacos and she'd like dm'd because we had mutual friends hey saw you're down here like would you like to come over for like a cocktail? What a nice DM. What a nice DM. And I hadn't gotten my husband a Christmas gift. And I leaned over and I was just like, hey, let's go to a, you know, let's go have some cocktails.

I told him that my sorority sister was down there. It's so good. And so I get him there. I drag him over to this cocktail hour. The door answers and it's Kate's husband Justin Berlander and Jeff immediately because you know my husband's the biggest sports fanatic I he had a full boner full boner standing on the welcome mat of this like you know he's like my job holy fuck and I just kind of turned around I remember it all happened in slow motion I just kind of gave him

that like like fuck you Jeff look and do you think he knew Kate was in there at that point or did he just think this is a random coincidence no he immediately like he immediately as soon as he locked eyes with Justin he was like let's fucking go you're kind of like a brave woman to bring your husband into the same room as his hall pass well also Justin Verlander is an incredible athlete makes a jillion dollars and is like a model himself so I wasn't worried about it if Jeff ever made anything weird this guy is you know an all-star athlete I feel like he could have body checked Jeff no you're right and by the end of the time you're probably like if he's gonna go with her I at least could

go with this and it's not a bad option you know what I told Jeff later on he was like I can't believe you made that happen I said well of course and we never told Kate she didn't know until I sent her the clip from the special I was gonna say did you run it by her no I well I was just like hey I just want you to know like and Kate is the coolest chick in the world I want you to know she was so great and and of course I did not tell her at that dinner like we're sitting at this table with all their friends and and I'm kicking Jeff I'm like Jeff you've been staring too long like he's in the corner just kind of frothing at the mouth and one of their friends had mentioned they're like yeah it's so weird you know like Kate is it's just the coolest just kind of frothing at the mouth. And one of their friends had mentioned, they're like, yeah, it's so weird.

You know, like Kate is just the coolest chick. She's so awesome. But like guys get really weird around her. And I was like, Jeff! Get the fuck out, Jeff! Smile! Eat a shrimp cocktail! Getting weird. But no, they were awesome.

But I do think that I have really, you know, exposed Jeff to these cool opportunities. He's gotten to meet all the sports heroes and what have I gotten? Let me tell you. All I wanted, all I wanted were two tickets. I wanted an Heiress Tour ticket and I wanted a Beyonce ticket.

Did you go? I went on because I made it happen. Duh. We were in, actually this is a great story. We were in, I was in Australia

and I was doing my tour in Australia in February. Well, Taylor Swift just happened to be there at the same time. I love that. You can't get tickets resale in Australia because they don And I was doing my tour in Australia in February. Well, Taylor Swift just happened to be there at the same time. Love. You can't get tickets resale in Australia because they don't have like a stub hub. It's like illegal.

Okay. But I was like, Jeff, figure it out. Call my agent. Figure it out. Surprise me. I want to go. It's my last night in Sydney. I've been in Australia for a month touring.

Okay. Jeff's like, I have a surprise for you tonight. I'm like, this is it. He got tickets. I'm going to the heiress tour. I've got the friendship bracelets ready. Let's go. And next thing you know, our hotel was right around the corner from the Sydney Harbor Bridge.

Okay. So it's 5 o'clock. I'm like getting ready. He's like, no, no, no. Just go dress casual. I'm like, oh, he's got a surprise. He probably has like an outfit for me. Like this guy thought of everything.

He made me climb the Sydney Harbor Bridge instead of letting me go to the heiress tour. Now, mind you, I have a fear of outdoor heights. If I'm on a tall balcony, I'm always like, not that I would ever want to harm myself. I don't have intrusive thoughts, but I'm always kind of like, what would happen if I just left? Right. You know? It's just a little bit like, what if? What if?

Right. You can't help. So I am on the top of the bridge in this like full windsuit, windbreaker onesie, gripping the side. And they put me at the back of the group. I can't even talk because I'm having like flashbacks of how dramatic that was. They put me in the back of the group. I'm clinging onto the side of the bridge

and the guy comes up. He's like, are you good? And I was like, I was supposed to be at the Aarist tour and I'm freezing on top of this bridge. And we got off the bridge. We take a photo. The and I'm freezing on top of this bridge and we got off the bridge we take a photo the photo that we have on top of the bridge is the funniest shit they're like smile and I'm like doing a peace sign like just like I hate my husband oh I had stroked out at that point I was completely like there was no mind-body connection I cried when we got off the bridge and I'm not a I'm I'm a tough cookie yep and Jeff went to give me a hug he's like wasn't that the best and I was like I don't know if this is gonna work out like get away from

me you piece of fucking yeah shit men that can be so fucking dumb so dumb like you knew I wanted this and because we're not going like figure out something that we could at least and also surprise me and also probably let you know beforehand the surprise ain't gonna be taylor but i got something else for you to make it as big like as great as i could and to make up for it his defense was it was our last night in sydney of course we'd never get to do this again and the fun the best part was when you go to do the climb on the sydney bridge they have all these celebrities that are up and they play the photos while you're doing the safety briefing they play the photos of all the celebrities.

There's a couple like D-list celebrities. And I was like, they didn't even ask to take my photo at the end of this. Like, do they know why? So not only did I shit myself on top of this bridge, they don't even have a record of it for when other people go to climb the Sydney bridge. They don't know that the number one comedian of all time heather mcmahon was on the bridge heather yeah against my will but it

was a great memory so have you ever gone and seen the heiress tour i did i saw it a couple weeks ago in london and let me tell you what it was awesome i i'm you know i'm a theater nerd i i wanted to see the production yeah and it was just fucking awesome good for Taylor it is so incredible like I went once and I'm gonna go again and I am I just fucking love her I love her too and I didn't really I think I kind of miss literally the era of Taylor like for the breakup moments growing up I was just like two years older than that okay so while the girlies were crying to you know me uh yeah when the girlies were crying to all these songs i was in my dorm room listening to three six mafia that was what you know i was doing drive-bys in the jetta past the ato house just being like nook if you book no if you book you know like that and i was like it's a love story baby just say yes. Yeah. Yeah. That was not.

I was in revenge mode. That's why Reputation's my favorite album. Oh, it is. That's why I wear snake skin, you know? Yeah, I'm a Reputation girly. I'm literally like a folklore girly. Really? But that's great.

I mean, I have a softer side, but I love that. When she's in the full snake skin and the one leg's out. Oof, I love it. When are you going on your cruise? That's in April. I'm doing a cruise. And again, you know, I talked about possibly getting murdered in a TJ Maxx. It also might happen on the Lido day.

I was going to say, I don't know if you're coming back, but you'll have a good time. I will. And I may not come back because I'll get arrested in the Bahamas. I don't know what's going to happen. But we are doing a cruise and it's like 2,000 fans on the cruise. And it's other comedians. And it's just going to be four days at sea of us just letting it rip. And so will you just like- Roam around in a muumuu?

Yes, absolutely. With a pina colada and a rum runner in my other hand? Absolutely. And are you going to just like next to you could like saying next to you could be like one of your fans and like you could be knocking on the wall and they like, oh, you're just like one with the people. I'm one with the people. also you know when you do comedy too like I have meet and greets after my shows and I know everybody like you know I'm one with

the people um I mean you did have to you know the cruise isn't a super cheap thing to do so I'm hoping that people are making a financial investment or also like maybe a little touch less crazy but actually the richest ones you know are are the ones that are crazy. They'll bring you the gifts to the show. And it's like, I bought you a Birkin bag. And I put an air tag in it. So I know where you are at all times. You're like, I don't. The Birkin bag for me is a little too cumbersome.

Okay. I think it's a bad investment. I said it. I'm going to get absolutely burned at the stakes for saying that. I agree. It's heavy. It's just big. It's also like.

It's clunky. It's not that cute. It's not that cute. Not that cute. And you can't put it over your shoulder. So if you're trying to look thin in a photo, you know what I mean? You're like. It's like. It just squeezes the arm.

It's not a good look. It's cumbersome. It's cumbersome. But yeah, we're doing a cruise. It's going to be insane. Comedy at night. My mom's going to be there. My husband's going to be running poker tournaments in the casino.

Taking pictures with the fans. Yeah. my sister's a criminal defense attorney so i'm keeping her on land because i might have to you know we don't know what's gonna happen she's gonna be at the port in miami as people are getting off the boat or not getting off the boat so she's gonna get a couple new clients i am obsessed will you be posting on your social media about it when you're there we're gonna we really should make a full documentary about it. It's an extra festival. Yeah, it's firefights and it turns super dark. And then at the end, it's just all of us with the norovirus. And that was the day that the ship never came back.

I wouldn't know. It will never happen, but I honestly... But then I'd have an in-memoriam at the Emmys. And I haven't been nominated yet, but at least I'd be there. At least I'd be there at least I'd be there glass half full baby I am so excited for you okay can we talk about the special now wrapping up yeah I mean we've been talking about the special the whole time but I do want to know like I was talking to Hannah Burner about this the other month my girl I just am so it's so incredible to watch yeah people that truly deserve it and are actually so fucking funny like get what

they deserve and I'm so happy for you how did this even come to be? Well, so I, um, I produced my own special and I did the first one. I did the same thing. So I, I didn't in this business, you cannot wait around for people. I mean, listen, you're a self-starter. You just, if you build it, they will come. So I, uh, just shot it. I shot at the Fox theater in Atlanta, which is like my home theater. I mean, talk about like a real full circle moment for me. And then you take it out to market and you sell it. So it is so cool.

The one thing I really love about standup is nobody can tell me no. You know, it is in this business, you get in TV developmental deals, they take forever. You know, you gotta get a thousand attorneys involved, all this shit. But through stand-up, I can just pop into a place, get on stage, say my piece, do the damn thing. And as long as there are asses in seats, listen, there could be one person in the fucking audience. I'm like, we're going to have a good time. But like that is, it is the greatest love of my life other than my family is getting to do stand-up.

And it just brings me so much joy it's so incredible it's gonna be on hulu right yeah what is the exact date it comes out that's a great question um i don't know but we will post on instagram it's coming out very soon i know it's going to be insane i was gonna say the date i'm gonna can i just tell you right now i do think it should win a p-ody. I should at least get nominated for the Emmys. Hi, my name's Heather McMahon. My comedy special Breadwinner is coming out on Hulu. And when I tell you I'm a bad bitch, I'm wearing a denim outfit that's bedazzled. And it is probably going to be one of the greatest pieces of art and comedy ever seen.

It should be nominated for awards or at least give me a mark twain comedy award thank you so much god bless live laugh love tune in on bleep it's very soon i'll fucking put it in i've never been great with details okay yeah i'm so excited for you oh my god that was like a we're like bleep hello okay we're back um wrapping up we're like we need to shut the fuck up and go film some content. This has been really fun. Has it? Can I tell you?

I really enjoy you. I'm not blowing smoke up your ass. This has been fun. I'm so proud of you. I know we just met, but it is so fucking cool to see fucking bitches doing it. I know. Just doing it, period.

And you should be so proud of yourself. Thank you. I feel the same way about you. That's why it's so fun to do what we do because I feel like we get to see each other on social media. Yeah. And it's always funny to be like, what is this bitch going to be like? Like, I'm sure you thought that when you were coming here.

Like, what is Alex Hoover going to be like? And I am so happy you're so fucking normal. And like, you're humble. And you're amazing. And your tits are fucking amazing. Thank you. I really appreciate it. And I just want you all to know, you know, be the you today that you want to be tomorrow.

Heather, I love you. Thank you for coming on Call Me. I love you. Thank you for having me. Bye.