Call Her Daddy - Heather McMahan: Golf Wives, Hall Passes & Frat Daddies

Episode Date: September 26, 2025

Join Alex in the studio for an unhinged and hilarious conversation with Heather McMahan where they discuss BJ techniques, the time her husband partied with his hall pass, being a golf widow, and what millennial trends are worth fighting for. Get ready to laugh your ass off Daddy Gang. Enjoy! Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Heather McMahon, welcome to Call Her Daddy. Hi, honey. How are you? I am obsessed with you. Just for context, to everyone that doesn't know, we met virtually while I was in Paris. Yes.

You popped on to my live show. I had the best time with you. It was so much fun, and it was like 6 a.m. at home. And your team was like, hey, do you have a couple wigs that you could just throw on real quick and I'm like, yeah, sure, let me just go down to my office and get my wigs. Yeah, it was fun. You pulled out all the stops, but I'm more, Heather, like, how the fuck have we never met before? I know, I feel like this is now a kismet moment.

Right? We've been circling in this, well, we've been like on the, you know, we've been circling around. We've on the outskirt. We were circling the drain and now we're just fully going to the gutter. You're close with Jackie Schimel. Yes, Jackie's like my best friend. And every time I feel like she's ever, I've ever heard her talk about you.

She's like, she's the funniest person I've ever met. And I'm like, well, at first I thought Jackie was the funniest person I've ever met. I'm absolutely way more hysterical. You're funnier. I watched your stand-up, which we're going to get to. Yeah. It's fucking amazing. You're so sweet.

Thank you. No, like, I was doing my makeup this morning watching it, laughing, like, hysterically. I like that. It's fucking brilliant. If you, like, that's the response I love when people like, hey, I think I got a UTI after watching your special. I'm like, I fucking did my job. It's how I felt.

Also, I just want to let you know that. I'm on like too many cups of coffee right now because last night I didn't sleep for a fucking minute because my dog has explosive diarrhea. Oh, I've been there. Honey, I have two French bulldogs. It is a dry heat. It is a, every morning I wake up. And I bought like expensive sheets.

That's one of the things I did when I started making money to treat myself. There is, my thread count is so fucked. There is a Frenchy barf every single night in the middle of the night. But I feel like you would prefer a barf over diarrhea. honestly at this point it's all starting to look and smell the same so it's not great either way it comes out no Heather I literally was like so I'm watching TV last night my husband falls asleep early it's like 1130 I'm watching like the perfect couple with Nicole Kidman which is it's a thing yeah yeah I have feelings too um but you know I there's nothing to watch so I'm like trying to enjoy myself

Matt's like I can't watch this trash I'm like shut the fuck up then go to bed right I hear the little noise and I'm like hear from the stomach like the gurgle that wet gurgle that's the It's more of a little bit of like Like some farts Yeah, yeah Some bubbles Like Why am I being demure being like

Did you get your dog fart? It was more of like a splatter Oh Like a big splatter People hate when I talk about shit on this show But I don't give a shit Okay You're in your 30s and you haven't shit yourself

At a Costco in the last six months Then you actually need to see a doctor Get your life right Right like fuck off okay So he's splattering And I wake my husband up and I'm like, Matt, Bruce just shit all over the carpet. And Matt is like, okay, go clean it up. Now, I have never cleaned their shit ever if it's like in the house.

Matt is the best. And I want to talk about Jeff, your husband today. We'll get into that. Yeah, let's talk about Jeff. Yeah, we're going to talk about our husbands because I look at Matt like mortified. Matt never makes me really do much around the house. He's kind of like the house man, you know? Ellen, we're the breadwinners.

Yes. Well, Matt's also doing fine. But whatever. Yeah. So he won't get up. up and I am on my hands and knees and I am doing the chlorox. I'm doing it all. An hour later, he shits again.

And two hours later, he shits again. So I, you are seeing a woman who is broken today. I'm seeing a woman who has literally had herself elbows deep and golden doodle do-doo. So I'm here for support. I actually have been having like the worst anxiety the last few days. Why? Just there's so much shit going on. And this is what I've been looking forward to most.

It's just like I wear 65 different. hats and literally I was at dinner last night trying to enjoy a nice you know porcini risotto and I literally was like kind of like you know geeking out a little bit. Do you get anxious? I was short circuiting. I thought I had a stroke at dinner and I was like is it the apparel sprits? Do I need a beta blocker? Do I need a lower tab? Like what do I need? A little bit of both. A little bit of both. I just took a bin a drill and I just let it fly. Do you get anxiety a lot? I never really had bad anxiety until my life started getting good which is weird. Like wait what? I think it's a pressure thing. I think you just just like and I travel so much. I think I don't know like what time zone I'm in

ever. Yeah, it was like when life was tough, I was just cruising. When life got like things started to, you know, start flowing. I think that's when I started to get anxious. Why? Because you think it's like there's more to lose. Like when you're all on the up and up, you're like, I have nothing. I am worth nothing. I'm a loser. When I was rock bottom, I was like

fuck it. Let's pop. Let's ride. And now I'm just like, oh, people are relying on me. There are comments on the internet. I don't know. We're good. this is a safe space the daddy gang is going to fucking love you and you're funny as fuck and so you're funnier than probably everyone that I've had said in this chair so just do your fucking thing I know everyone calls you daddy and father but my dad is dead can I just call you dad because I'm looking for a father figure in my life call me dad um I'm here for you I've oh I've had

a lot of girls reach out being like I had a dead beat dad like you're my dad you're my father figure whatever way I can fit in fatherly to your life I'm here for you Heather I'm so sorry about your dad but it happens but I'm here Okay, great. Okay, we need to talk about golf because it consumes my life, Heather. And I know a huge part of your stand-up is you talking about your fucking husband golfing. And the fucking golf. It is like every woman understands it. The golf widow thing is so fucking real. Talk to me about like where you're at in your golf journey. Have you seen

him lately? Has he been on the golf course often? Like what's happening? I was, you know, getting full glam this morning, running around, taking calls, answering emails. And my husband's buddy put us in a group chat and sent me a photo. My husband's playing some prestigious course in the middle of nowhere like rocked, you know, upstate New York. And it's just like, look at, you know, look at big daddy swing and I respond I'm fucking working go home take care of our frenchy children get the fuck out of here you're like I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck if he's you know letting it rip I need oh you're stuck in a sand trap not my problem it's so crazy Matt is having like the biggest existential crisis because his country club even that word it does make me kind

of like clench my butt hole a little bit he's our country club and I say you're a country club He's like, it's ours, Alex, like, you're my wife now, like, you're a member. I'm like, I'm never going. I don't know, maybe I will. Like, but he is freaking out because it's getting closed for like some construction. Oh, just the course. Oh, and so he's trying to get it, get it in, get it in. Let's go.

We got to go play. I'm like, oh, my God, you're never home. I have one stipulation. So we at our country club, and I actually think you would thrive as a country club girly. I don't think people give country clubs. Yes, there are archa practices there. But I love going to my country club. It's the one I grew up at, the one my grandparents were members of,

I hang out with a pack of like 70. 25 year old women. They play bridge. We drink white wine and nobody gives me shit. You know what I mean? But I did say there is a stipulation like in our pre-up because I am actually the actual member of the country club because I was a legacy. So my thing is if like we ever divorce, like I get the club membership. And if you don't think I'm going into the men's locker room and ripping Jeff's plaque off of his locker, you must not know me. Oh my God. You're going to be married forever. Even if you hate him, he's never leaving you. And I do have a great husband. So shout out to Jeff. We won't on you this whole episode. But I do, when I'm there, he got mad one day because they didn't know,

like, under our membership, you know, they always refer to him as Mr. McMahon. Okay. And he got upset one day. He was like, you know, it's just, like, they don't know. I said, then Jeff, correct them. Let them know that you were Mr. Daniels, because I didn't take my husband's last night. I'm in entertainment. I didn't want to do it. It's not. Our kids will be Daniels, live your life. And I was like, imagine what every woman feels like. You know what I mean? If I check into a hotel and they refer to me as Miss Daniels, I go gladly. Like, don't let that, like, bruise your ego. Right. No. Fucking pump the brakes, buddy. You got a tea time to make. It is so fucking true. They get like, I will be sitting in the hotel and Matt will hear like, hi, Mr. Cooper and he's like, oh. And I'm like, it's okay, Matt. Stand up for yourself or shut the fuck up. Like I have, and I will continue to have to do for the X amount of years that people will say like, hi, Mrs. Kaplan and I'm Mrs. Cooper. And I'm like, I don't care. I don't care. Because it's not emasculating meat. My vagina's set and fine. Like, fuck off. Let's talk about the golf of aesthetic. Oh, yeah. Let's talk about it.

The golf outfits look pretty bad for women. Yeah, it's pretty farty. It's, it's rough. It's like a pleaded chino short that tucks right underneath where your bra fat is. It's absolutely awful. I'm trying to fix it. So give me a little time, but I'm trying to fix it. How do you feel when Jeff saunters down in the morning wearing his golf outfit?

Like, are you okay with the male golf outfits or are you like? Okay. So the way I feel about it is, you know, I say this in the special, but like any man who wears a visor That's an immediate. My vagina just shribbles up. Because here's the thing. First of all, it looks like you can't afford the whole hat.

You know what I mean? I don't know these men in visors. And then my husband will drive home from like the golf course. You know, sunroof is open. He's had a good match. He's singing, you know, Natasha Bedding, feel.

Feel the rain on my skin. And his, like, hair is like flipped over the visor. So he comes in sweaties and a Peter Malar shirt, grass on his she knows. And I just go, I'm not trying to have sex with you right now. Why do they come back horny after golf? It's so.

No. Because they feel empowered. because they went out and won $5 on the golf course or the net. They're like, let's fucking do it. So I was thinking about that in your special because I'm like, okay, they come home and Matt does the same thing. Like, Matt is successful, like he does great and business.

He will come home and be like, I won 50 bucks. And I'm literally like, the fuck. You're ready to blow me? We're like, no, take a shower. You smell like the outdoors. Get out of here. But they're so excited about like that $5 or that $10. Because they conquered something.

It's work is one thing. But when you're out there, you're in a for some with guys and they're, you know, it's all shit talking and they're like, oh, here goes Jeff, he's got a 40 foot put and he makes it. There is nothing that gives a man a bigger boner than sink in a put. It's infuriating.

It is infuriating and I try and think about like what makes me that horny and I think it, I'm really stepping at my golf game because I played growing up and now I'm like, I really do, I want to play because it's a great sport, but I also just want to steal the joy of the, you know, the one thing that gives Jeff joy. And he's like,

I love when you play with me and we have a great time we go out And it's like, I mean, I, you know, I drink wine and, you know, rip some old sigs and just have a blast in the outdoors. But I am trying to get better to beat him because I do, I need that for my ego. Right. You're like sneaky on the competitive. You're like, oh, I guess I'll play too, Jeff. Meanwhile, you're like getting sessions in the back. You're getting full like coaching sessions. I have three coaches right now. I have a gal on the LPGA. Shout out to Maria Fossi, who I send videos to. And she literally is like, we got to tighten up the swing. Oh, yeah, I'm getting good. But Jeff doesn't even know. So one day you're going to come.

He's going to hear this and be like, you bitch, you liar. Okay, so we don't roast our husbands this entire episode. No, Jeff's the best. He puts up with my shit. I was, Jeff is the only person who can look at me and be like, sit down, shut the fuck up, you're being crazy. And I'm like, yes, sir, yes. Yes, daddy.

Yes, papa. Yes. I was going to say, give me some, like, talk about some of your favorite things about Jeff, because then we're going to keep roasting them. Yeah, then we'll get right back to the roast. No, Jeff is honestly, like, you know, it's interesting if you ever like hang out with other couples and you can tell they're not actually buddies. Like, Jeff is my buddy. I mean, yeah, we fuck hard, but like, he is my buddy. I don't want to hang out with anybody else other than him.

Like, of course, I love hanging out with my friends, but like, we fucking giggle together. And I think that's... No, it's what you need. It's what you need because you're stuck with this person. No, and it's so true, like, I used to cringe online when I would hear people being like, he's my best friend. Like, no, he is. Like, Matt is my best friend. Like, if you're not your friend, what are you doing? Right. Just don't like say it like that. Like girls be like, he's my best friend and we bought her forever home together. I don't just. We have matching butterfly tattoos.

Like I got one wing. He and the other. Like, okay, then you're, it's absolutely headed for a divorce. Tone it down. Also, Jeff is, you know, I mean, listen, I'm a comic. I get up on stage. I rip him a new asshole. I talk about, you know, personal, intimate things in our life.

And he lets me do it. And not that he, like, gives me permission. But I said early on, I was like, you know, I need you to be cool with me talking my truth. And from my point of view, my perspective. him. And he's like, honey, I never, he is so proud of me when I'm on stage. And seeing him get excited when I'm having a moment, there is no ego in him. He is never threatened. He is like, go, let it rip, do your fucking thing. And that's what makes me horny. So he's horny on the golf course. I come off stage and he's like, you fucking crush. I'm like, I am ready to sit on your face.

I'm getting kind of horny right now. I know. We went from anxiety. I'm a little horny. I mean, I don't know. This is a wave of emotions here. No, it is. When you start talking about sex on this show, sometimes people are like, oh, I got to leave and go fuck my husband or my fiance or whoever the fuck. So enjoy. You're welcome, Jeff. You're so successful as a comedian. Have you always been funny? Like, talk to me, you as a child. Like, what was going on? Is Heather funny? Yeah. Well, I, you know, I was a fudgy kid. And I was a kid who, like, always had like a quarter pound of fudge in their backpack. So yeah, I think I had to be funny. But no, I always, you know, I was always in theater. And I always knew I wanted to do comedy. I mean, since I was like six, I was like, I'm going to be, I'm going to tell jokes. And the first time I did stand up was at my junior prom. And I roasted the senior class. And that was like one of those pivotal moments. I was always doing theater.

And I was like, you know, think about how awkward high school is. Most awkward time of your life. Right. I must be a sociopath. If I was like, I want to go up there and roast the seniors and do stand up. Like, that could have been social suicide. We need to pause because, hold on. You did stand up.

At your prom. Uh-huh. Pause. Are you at the prom? Like, also with the date? Yes, I am with a senior who invited me. So you're in a gown. I'm in a gown and no one knew.

So, yeah, so I pop up literally from under a table with a microphone. I'm like, are you all ready to rock? Like, so embarrassing. We have the video of it. And it's just, it's insane. I have never heard of this. Like, at a prom, there's usually, like, a band. No, I was the surprise entertainment.

Yeah, yeah. it was insane. So I get up and I do like 20 minutes and I remember walking off stage and thinking, oh, fuck, I have to do this forever. So then I just, I kind of never stopped. Because you just knew. I knew. Yeah. But like, were you confident? Like you didn't give a fuck what people were going to think about you at school? I honestly, no. And I, listen, I went to the same school from kindergarten through 12th grade. So I also wasn't trying to impress these fuckers anymore. But no, I think that like, listen, as a comic, if you don't feel like a touch cringy when you're, you know, you're trying on new shit, then you're not doing it right. True. But no, I just, there was nothing, there was no other feeling in my life that I wanted to chase as much as that feeling of making people laugh. And I'll tell you, another, we're really going to boost Jeff now. But when I, I was living in New York when I met Jeff, we've been together a long time.

And I looked at him one day and I said, listen, I got to go to L.A. I got to follow this. I got to scratch that itch. And he, we were sitting in like a Bucca to Beppo or some shit. And he's like, I love you so much. And he's like, follow your. dreams and in that moment I was like oh fuck I'm gonna marry this guy yeah we were long distance for like eight years yeah what I know it's it's I have girls call me all the time like

Heather I'm long distance it's been like three months with my boyfriend I'm like if you're thriving in your own zone and if that person can't handle y'all doing your own thing then you don't need to be together okay long distance where you he stayed in New York and you went to L.A. Yes and I was only in L.A. for like four or five years okay I moved back to Atlanta after my dad passed and Jeff was finishing like a graduate program in New York right we were just just back and forth. I mean, we, we just made it work. Never going to break up, never a pause. It was just always me and Jeff Daddy. Okay, because I'm going to be real. You and Jeff Daddy are to find the odds because I have been the little cunt in my podcast. Sometimes it's

been like, I don't know if like long distance is worth it. I used to say that also in college mostly because I'm like, enjoy your colleges. It's also not worth it because if you're in college, you're probably cheating on you. Like, let's be honest. If you're in college right now listening to this with a long distance boyfriend, you're getting cheated on. Yeah. it also just say hey we're gonna break up during college and I'll see you when you're working for Goldman Sachs and you're out of here done what are we doing done yeah I think that was really my vision was like it's just too hard in college however when you are adult and you can make it long distance work it's amazing but that takes very secure people yeah to have trust

and to be okay with that long distance but like good for you guys he used to come to all my comedy shows and this is like when I was in New York and I you know performing for 10 people in an audience underneath the Brooklyn Bridge and he'd be his little suits from his real estate job and he'd sit on the front row and people thought he was my manager. So we were like, wow, your manager is like really dialed into your career. And I'm like, oh, no, no, no, I blow that guy. Stop. Stop.

Honestly, that was probably kind of hot. It was so hot. You're like looking at him. Like, your business manager, you're like, ooh, we're not supposed to, but we should. Let's go fucking my car. 100%. I love that for you guys. Yeah.

And the Jetta. I only sold the Jetta about three years ago. Kind of wish I would have kept it. Wait, the Jetta was the first car I ever wanted. And then I just could never get a first car until like I started making my own money. My parents were like, we're never getting you a car. So get a job. And I was like, oh, okay.

But I always wanted a Jedda. Shout out to Voltswagon. Shut out. They're a great company. Sponsorous. I would love a new Jedda. I'm really, when I sold that car, I was actually sad about it. It's a cute car.

And I got a sensible. I didn't go G-Wagon. I went, you know, hybrid Audi Q5. Shout out to Audi. Sponsorship. I think I want the Kyan because that was the best car. My dad had. And I really want it.

I was like, that's when I know. I think of my bite. No, that was like, I realized that shit from your childhood really sticks with you. When I went to a private prep school that, like, I really couldn't afford. I got, like, a soccer scholarship for high school. And I didn't have a car. And so I'm taking the bus every day. And these bitches are rolling in with, like, Maserati's because their daddies are so fucking rich.

Yeah. And I remember there's this one bitch that had this cool Porsche. It was the cayenne. And she had it, like, it was a white one with, like, black wheels. And I was like, whenever I get my first paycheck, that's me not working at my smoothie shop job. Like, I'm getting the fucking poor. And the first thing that I bought for myself for a car was the Porsche. And I'm like, the only reason I still got it was because I think of that girl.

It's that core memory. But it's that core memory being like, fucking Michelle has it. Yes. I'm getting it. I was like, and I'm like, I don't even know if I actually wanted the Porsche. I was literally just like living out my like high school insecurity being like, I finally got it. And I'm like, do I like it?

I actually do. Sponsor me. Okay. You went to University of Mississippi. Oh yeah. Hotty-Toddy. Can you explain your experience in three words? Oh yeah.

Unhinged. Okay. Full throttle. Oh, that's two. That's two, but who gives the fuck? Okay. Unhinged, um, uh, mayonnaise. What?

And, um, just elated. I had the best four years of my life. Shout out to the University of Mississippi. I just did a show for them last week. And I, I loved it. My college experience was out of this world. Wow. Yeah.

Like from freshman year. From freshman year. Here's the thing. I, even being from the South, because I grew up in Atlanta. I didn't know anything about Mississippi. The reason I ended up at Ole Miss is because it was the only college that led me. You're like, actually when I got accepted,

I was like, fuck. But then you got there and you're like, I thought I was going to go to Pepperdine and do like theater arts. Like imagine me in Malibu. No, absolutely not. So I thought I was going to go to Pepperdine. It was two weeks before graduation

and I didn't get in because I thought I was going to go to their prestigious theater program. Well, here's the thing. I was student body president, but a blind cat could have done better on the SATs. I'm not a, I'm not a scholastic. test taking kind of doubt. Me either. On paper, it's rough. Okay. So I didn't get in and I remember sitting down like the college counselor and she's like, there's two schools that have good theater departments and they

still are taking applicants. It was Alabama and Ole Miss. I swear to God, Alex, my hand on the Bible. I visited Alabama. I'm in Tuscaloosa. I'm at like the Sigma Chi House. I watched a man snort cocaine off a chicken tender and I said, I called my daddy and I said, I'm going to Ole Miss. Like I like to party, but this is, This is another world. This is some next level shit. So I showed up in Oxford, Mississippi. I didn't know anybody. I did the sorority rush.

I had the time of my life. I don't know how I got into a good sorority. Like all of the things, it just clicked. And I, and I, and I, we own a home there now. I bought a house in Oxford. You did? I go back all the time. I love it.

Hold on. Cocaine on a chicken finger? Yeah. Yeah, it was a lot. And, you know, in the South, we got juicy tinders. It's not like a light, it's not like a, it's not a slim tinder. The thick boy. It's a thick boy.

And I just remember going, I don't know if I'm going to... That's some real shit. No, I love that your honesty is like, I love Old Miss. Like it was my... It's the only place I got accepted. But like, who cares? You end up... And that's, I think, a great note for anyone that's in high school listening.

God, maybe there are people that listen in high school. There are. You'd be surprised. You guys, like, it really doesn't matter where the fuck you go to school. It doesn't matter. And you'll find your spot. Like, I remember being so devastated thinking, okay, I'm not going to be this like, you know, Shakespearean actor, what is going on?

And I ended up, like, it's the greatest joy in my... life and also I would not have met my husband because my best friend Tina who works with me and helps her own my production company she was from New York so this bitch flies down we're both in the theater department I'm like where the fuck are you from she's like where the fuck are you from and she's one who introduced me to my husband so I had to go all the way to Mississippi to find a Yankee it's oh my god it's so meant to be also you mentioned sorority life uh-huh I played soccer so I did I still to say don't fully understand sorority life and I feel like what I'm seeing on TikTok may not be the exact representation of what it maybe used to be.

Because now bitches are like synchronized dancing and stuff, which maybe it was back then. But can you walk me through. It is really wild. I can ask us a lot about what my sorority life experience is like. I do think you're right. Social media has completely changed the game. I mean, when I went to college, I hate to date myself, but it was the first year that

Facebook came out. So, you know, I didn't have to worry about somebody looking at my online profile. I just showed up in a Lily Pulitzer skirt and was like, y'all ready to fucking do this or what? I was Pledge Class President, I was bid day chair, I had the best time. And also, like, I see girls online that talk about hazing. No one haze my ass. I showed up to the Delta Gamma House at the University of Mississippi. I had a monogram pillow with my name on it and a new, you know, bottle of, like, barefoot white wine.

I had the time of my life. But also, I'm 5'10. You don't really haze a gal who's large and in charge. No, I would stop. I was going to fucking say, like, I feel like what I'm watching on, on, TikTok right now is like first of all the dorm situation how are they like I showed up with the JanSport backpack and I had like a duffel bag and I like threw shit in that I like bought off of eBay I don't know what you got like a bed bath and beyond I had a bed to bag that's what you

did I called my roommate who I'd never met before and I said what color scheme are we go with we did lime green hot pink and black and literally it's a bedna bag you got you got the comforter the one sheet you only had one set of sheets that's it only one changing your sheets that's it And then I got, I remember, like, when the first day of school started, they had those, like, poster sales. And I got, like, Channing Tatum on one wall. Of course. And then I got, like, hot girls' asses because I was like,

this will really, like, the guys will think we're cool for this. Exactly. I'm hot if they see hot girls on my wall. Because that makes sense. So, so much sense. Yeah. So I don't understand when they're like, let's do a transformation and they do the click. And it goes from, like, a dreary dorm room to immediately.

It's like, you look like you're in a fucking palace. I have a sorority sister who, that's her job now. She runs, has a whole. business where she redos the Ole Miss dorm rooms. Wow. They have like antiques in the room. They're built. I mean I had literally like three those stack gum plastic vins

that you get like staples. I didn't even go to a container store. I went to like office max and I put my thongs in there and like a bottle of like bourbon that was rolling around in the back. Like nothing about my room. I had a desktop Alex. I didn't even have a laptop. My dad ran an IT company and he was so afraid that somebody was going to like

steal my identity. And finally I called him, I was like, Dad, I got to get a laptop. Like, I can't be the person lugging the desktop on a dolly all the way up to the library. Like, what the fuck are we doing here? Yeah, I was also a theater major, so I didn't really need, you know, a computer, but... But still, the point is, like,

it is different right now. And I do believe some of the bitches on TikTok are really going above and beyond for social media. Like, if you're someone at college right now that is literally just bringing your PB teen sheets and you got a book bag and that's all you... Pottery barn team. That was Lux.

That was the shit. Do you remember when Jersey sheets, like, Jersey sheets came out, and it felt like you were rolling around on a pair of Levi jeans, really actually not comfortable and not sweat-wicking. I remember my mom was like a gift, send me the Jersey pottery barn teen sheets. And I was like in flames when I woke up. I thought I had the flu. It was so fucking hot. I remember I got like these dark gray ones.

And the first time a guy came on my sheets and I only had again one fucking pair. So I was just looking at that shit. Like, damn, I'm fucked. And I just left it there. You took like a credit card later on after the cumm had dried and you were like trying to scrape it off. You were like, we're like, we're just get that off at the end. It's fucking disgusting. Anyways, okay, so you were rushing.

You got into your sorority. Can you like tell me like, do you remember like your chance? Do I remember my chance? I thought you would never ask. So interesting enough, so I went to the home chapter. Delta Gamma was founded at the University of Mississippi. It was a big deal that they led a woman not from Mississippi into the sorority. I don't know.

who wrote me a wreck but they they saw my ass coming and they said she's got potential damn yeah so i um it was funny during rush so we used to do this thing called a door song okay and you might have seen it on bama tic-tok now they banned it but um like so somebody comes and knocks on the door okay the door opens and like 200 girls hit the deck i was always on the bottom because i was beefy so i'd be on the bottom of this door holding up the weight of my sororie sisters on me and we'd be like D, E, L-T-A, D-E-L-T-A, and do this whole thing. And then what would happen is everybody would get off the dog pile and run out

and grab a girl who's rushing. So you're like running through the lawn being like, Emily, Emily, where are you? And you had to pretend like you didn't know who they were, but you had like, had giant cards. I mean, you're studying them. And then you're like looking around like, I can't see her.

And then this little girl, Emily pops out of the bush. She's like, it's me. And then we would run them through the D-G house. And of course, since I was on the bottom, I was, like, breathless. So by the time I got up, I was literally like, where's Emily? Emily, from Jackson, Mississippi, are you here? They're like, all your makeup is gone, you're drenched.

I am so moist. It's, it's like, it's not healthy. Your back is blown out. It's awful. You have nothing left to give. I have nothing left. Then you crowd them in this room, this chapter room, and, you know, we're like sitting at them, like, breathing hot fire breath on them, just being like trying to get them to cry.

to be like, do you want to be here? This is the greatest day of my life. I ate it up, though. I had the time of my life. Oh, my God. What do you think you loved about it? Because it's a little culty, no? It is, but I really just met all my best friends there.

And again, there was not hazing. So when I see girls that had like a really, like, if they ever lined us up and like circled our fat, I would have been like, I win, I get it. Just y'all go home. I'm the fattest one. I put on 45 pounds my freshman year. Like, just y'all go home.

It was a lot of, I mean, we did like philanthropy. work we had raging parties it really was not toxic I'm sure a couple bitches you know yeah I mean we fought a couple times but I was also kind of the black sheep like I was always sent to standards because I was smoking cigarettes standing up that's that was a weird rule if you know if you want to smoke a cigarette if you want to rip a heater you got to sit down cross your legs wait what yeah because you got to look lady like oh my god so you can smoke siggs but you just have to do it looking down so if I was standing up I couldn't but if I was sitting down having a cigarette that's kosher You know? Do you still, to this day, sit down?

Or do you stand down? I only have, I hope my life insurance policy doesn't hear about this. I love a, I'm kidding. Hypothetically, allegedly, I love just a SIG when I'm in Italy. It's my vacation SIG, but I'm not a smoker. Contrary to popular belief, people hear my voice, I'm not a smoker. You got a great voice. But can I also say to this younger generation, I really get concerned about, I was at the college bar

the other day, and we had the bar in our town called the library. Oh, cool. So when my dad would see my, all my charges, he called me one day. He's like, God damn it, Heather, return your fucking books to the library. This is insane. He didn't know it was a bar. Oh, yeah, it's my favorite bar. Genius.

But literally, I see these kids. Like, everybody's ripping the vape, and they're all passing it around. And I turn to a young man in the bar and I go, honey, this is how you get mono or cold sores. I don't know what we're doing here, but y'all all need to just have your own vape. Heather, no. No, I thought you were going to say something completely different. What did you think you were going to say? This is how you're going to get lung cancer.

No, no, fuck them. No, no, no. I'm worried about Epstein-Barr virus. I am not worried about their lungs, okay? Come on now. I don't have time for that. Instead of being like, you don't, you shouldn't have them. You're like, just each of you get your own.

Stack up. I'm like, this is why you guys are all going to have strep throat. Get your own. Get your life together. Daddy gang, stop jewelling. Stop jewelling. We're done. Okay.

I know you refer to yourself. as the elder millennial. Is that, that's true, right? Well, yeah. I mean, I am, you know, 37. You're a young woman. Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

I am young, youthful. You're very young. Thank you. I want to talk about some of the millennial trends. And I want to hear your take is, do you think we should bring them back, or how do you feel about them in general? I'm so excited for this.

Side parts. Oh, let me tell you, there is nothing more dramatic, more old Hollywood glam than a side part. I was actually in my sorority house, other day and I found my old composite photo. It was such a deep side part. It started at the base of my jaw. Okay? It was just a thick comb over. I had no eyebrows. But I think I think the middle part, like I'm fighting for my life right now, I have an intense cowlick. And if you knew the

amount of time effort and orbay dry texture spray that is holding me together. Wait, because which way do we go? Which way does your hair usually go? It's naturally, it should go this way. So it wants to be comb over. It wants to go full Donald Trump. Yes. It really does. I love a deep side part. You know, obviously, you know, if you do the deep side part and we do the stick straight, like the cheese straightener, it's not a good look. It's, it's really not a good look. And I feel like, depending on what phase you're at in your life, like when I look back at pictures of myself as a young girl. Yeah. I was objectively not, I wasn't like the cutest. Okay. I really, it really wasn't, it wasn't I didn't know that, though.

No one pulled me aside and said, let's blend a smoky eye. Let's draw in our eyebrows. Let's maybe go for a leisurely walk so we can get some steps in. I was deep-throating like, you know, hot pockets, chugging bourbon. I had not a care in the world. But you were happy. I was, I've never been happier. Now I'm getting everything I want.

And I'm like, God, this fucking sucks. You're like, I want to go back to the good old days. But it's true that like when you don't have the eye for it, I guess I can say when I look back at pictures of myself, there is a difference between a side part and the comb over. And when you do the comb over and you're not going for Hollywood glam, like you're not going to an event and you're just looking for the side part, it can really look busted. So I think I think you're right. It depends on what you're doing with it.

But I would say the side part is usually a flop. Okay. All right. You know what? Fair enough. But you also have a perfect straight line through your head. So I just think that you need to be a little more inclusive. to the cowlick community.

No. That's all I'm saying. You want to hear something crazy? What? I have a fucking cowlick. Where? Yeah, exactly. The amount of time that I spent

pushing, pushing, moving. Gell starts at 7 a.m. bitch and it's fucking almost 2 o'clock in the afternoon. It was sitting, setting, melting, pressing. And the little clips. And the clips, I'll go to an event. I'll be about to walk the red carpet. And I'm like, take the clips out.

Remove the clips. Last minute, always. I the amount of gel and like shit that I had to get to this point and I sleep with it sometimes like that oh wow yeah I'm dedicated sociopath I love it it's the trauma from childhood where I like look back at those curvatures that I was putting over my fucking it looked so fucking bad that I am straight part and I will never deter have you ever had side bangs um no well I did go through a little bit of an emo phase I was always um yeah but I would be at the like the band's warp tour in like junior high and I would always be in like a full Hollister outfit

and a Pookishel necklace. I still dress like Dave Matthews band-esque, but I was at seeing, you know, something corporate, Simple Plan, or one of those bands. I feel like we would have been friends. Like I was, I went through such an emo phase and I would do the colorful, like, skinny jeans with like a band T-shirt.

I was obsessed with Simple Plan, Blinquency, too. Then I went into All Time Low. I had all these different, like I was obsessed with Aver Levine. I wanted to be her. Oh, Avril Levine is, I remember being like a, you know, would chubby sixth grader and I'd come home and I'd put her CD in I like because you know we we we had a little money so I had this six disc changer and I would just literally be like I'm fading to the sun

yes it's just like rage out my mom would be like this one I was naturally I would think like happy like I didn't want to be emo but I loved the concept of being emo if that makes sense you're just dramatic yeah we're a little dramatic yeah I'm sorry that's annoying um okay how do you feel about tall ugs. Okay. Well, God. Okay. Well, here's my thing. My best feature on my body is my thin ankle. Okay. I never, I mean, look at that. Have you ever seen a nice, more developed, thinner ankle? That is a very nice ankle. It's a very nice ankle. Thank you. Because it gets thin. It's very thin. And I also have nice to cleavely.

I've been told from the toe, the foot fetish community, that my foot, while very wide, in a shoe, the top of my toes is apparently very sensual. Really? Have you ever thought about making a couple bucks? I have, but I did see that one person left me a bad review on Wikifeets, and it's not my rating down to like a 3.5. I'm very upset about it. You're not actually on Wikifeet, are you?

What the fuck? I didn't know who was a thing. And somebody at one of my shows was like, hey, by the way, I just want you to know, like, your rating went down on Wikifeits. I was like, what the fuck is WikiFeeds? Dude, Heather, I'm not kidding you. I'm convinced that almost every single man in the world has a foot fetish. You know, here's the thing.

It's not hurtful. No, it's not hurtful. It's just fascinating. I would do OnlyFans in a heartbeat if dudes want to send me money to look at my little pigies. You got what you got to do? And it's just, it's natural too. It's natural.

It's either you got it or you don't. No one's getting like foot implants. No one's getting like really fake. It's you got it or you don't. And if you got it, flaunt it. I would like to say because you have such a huge international platform. I, you know, big Nike fan, but I've got a wide, wide girthy foot. And if you guys could send me some pairs cut in a wide, that would be fantastic.

I go online and the only pair that's in an extra wide is an orthotic. So please, for the love of God, make a wide in an Air Force One. Okay, sorry, how'd you take that opportunity? I could have said something to like find peace in the Middle East, but instead I'm like, can I get a custom Nike in a wide? Because my toes are falling asleep. Not are they literally coming on here and be like, what other brand deals did I want to get out of this episode? Yes, I'm obsessed.

What are we getting? We're getting a Porsche. We're getting a Jetta. An Audi. Audi and free shoes for life. And Orbe. And Ugs. And Ugs.

Okay, but wait, back to the Ugs. Okay, so the Ugs. Can I tell you, I'm having a lot of fun. I'm having a lot of fun with you too. Okay, back to the Ugs. So here's a thing. To be fair, sometimes it's also hard to podcast with people that, like, my favorite podcasting usually is when people podcast for a living because, like, you know how to do it. So thank you.

for showing up to say um okay tall ugs okay tall ugs i i don't like a sweaty calf okay you know i i would wear them i went to a christian school so we had to wear the uniforms and in the winter that was a thing you wore the tall ugg you could wear them with your uniform we could wear them we didn't have to wear like mary janes or anything i'd wear a tall hug with my little like catholic school girl the uniform and i just remember huffing it you know through the parking lot just like these are fucking hot we did you have boys at your school we did what the fuck hether i went to an i went to a full co-ed through eight I was like in Catholic school and I had to wear the plaid skirt and I used to have to say this to like my boyfriends. I'm like I know it sounds hot like I was fucking hideous and it's not a

sexual fantasy okay now I'd look hot in it but back then it was like to the knee and if not they'd slap you with the fucking ruler like literally old school shit and then we had to have the thigh highs they weren't thigh highs they went to the knee and they were the big socks with the Mary Jane shoe and then they changed to saddle shoes at one point which was like the black and the white shoe and then we had the collared shirts that wasn't hot we had the whole uniform we We could wear the socks, but in the winter, they would allow us to wear the Ugs. And then eventually they got pants because I think I, like, walked into the principal's office and said, I'm fucking freezing.

Okay, and I'm a heavy set. So if I'm cold, imagine what these thin bitches are feeling. This is unbelievable. We have rights. We do have rights. Fuck you. Fuck you. Okay.

Soul cycle. Oh, well, that's a little triggering. You should have warned me that you were going to bring that up on such a hard platform. I worked at Soul Cycle. Okay. In West Hollywood, around the corner. When I moved to L.A., I needed a part-time job. Okay.

And I couldn't get a job at a restaurant, which was really weird because I'd worked at some of like the best restaurants in New York. I had this crazy, you know, Michelin-Star experience, and I could not get a job working as a bartender, even like a hostess in L.A. Why do you think? Because I wasn't a porn star. That's why. I wore a sensible, supportive bra to work. I would show up to these, like, interviews with this insane New York resume, and they were like, but are your nips hard, you know? I was like I can make them hard

give me 10 seconds I'll be right back Yeah I mean I would go And I would think that I was going For like a nice You know like like An interview at Spago And they were like actually

We have a nightclub And we were wondering if you want to be a promoter I'm like I'm 23 years old I should not be roaming the streets of Los Angeles Trying to get people to come to your nightclub That's annoying So I ended up at Soul Cycle

And I remember my interview I was interviewing to be on the front desk But I said because I wanted to let them think that like I was here for the long haul Of course I remember saying like Obviously, I'd start with the front desk, and I understand you have to work your way up, but my goal is to eventually be an instructor.

No. And the girl interviewing me was just like, yeah, we're good. Nothing about you says, like, you know, star of the fitness community. But I actually had a great time. SoulCycle was so fun. I met my best friends. My buddy Raymond, a shout out to Ray. He's still one of my best friends.

We used to get in trouble because we would work at the front desk and be, like, you know, gravely hungover. Of course. And I'd be eating like a Chipotle burrito bowl and a diet. Dr. Pepper. And finally my manager said, Heather, this is like a fitness studio. People don't, celebrities don't want to come in and work out when you're like dry heaving over a barbacoable. Get your shit together. No. Yeah. Yeah. I kind of love that for you. You're like, you know what, though? Like this is me and this is who I'm going to be. And I'm only at the front desk. So like, you can go back there and fucking work out. I'm sorry, Heather, I've gone on one of the bikes before.

When I was working this ad sales job, they were like, team bonding. Let's go across the street. and like during lunch time, go on the fucking Soul Cycle bikes. It hurt. Pussy throbbed. Yeah, it's not great. It's not like a good horseback riding

where you're like, I'm getting a little turned on. It's rubbing my clit in the right way. This is like physical pain. No, this is where your urethra is just ripped off. Like you have road rash, but it's on your pee hole. It's not great.

I'm getting like bruises. And then like you go to sleep that night and you can feel like your pelvis area like... Pulsating, not in a sexual way. But then actually, once you do it two or three times, then you're in it. But see, I knew how to work the system there. I,

would, you know, all these big celebs would come in, and I would slip my little business card that I made on, like, Vista Print, okay? I'd have my head shot on it. And I would slide it into their, like, bags. And I'd be like, if you ever need an assistant, if you ever need somebody to open for you on the road, please ask me.

So funny, I did that to Whitney Cummings. And I must have given her 10 business card. She never once called me, and then we're buds now. And I literally was like, Whitney, I need you to just know that I used to drop my business card. I mean, this was 10 years ago. You're like Whitney, I was either down to be your assistant or open for you, and I did neither.

So fuck you, but I also love you. but now I'm a guess on your podcast. So it was amazing. I loved it. So we love SoulCycle. Okay. Skinny Jeans. Oh, again, I am pro-Skinny Jean because I do want to flex my best asset. But I mean, God, that for me, you know, you said your crotch her during SoulCycle, I always had a yeast or a UTI from a skinny gene.

It just was so tight right in the grundle. It can't be worse than Jean Shorts, though. Oh, I don't fuck with jean shorts. You don't. No, what are we doing here? I know. Absolutely not I'm not fucking with the jeans short

I'm pushing 40 You know I need to be in a jean short Get out of here We are so you just What are we doing here? I also do I of course I wear jeans shorts You do?

I think I do Are you lying? No I Is that the first time you've lied on this podcast? It is Can I tell you I'm in a tough spot I've put on a little weight And I had all these jean shorts

That I bought from Zara And I just I tried them on this the other day and I was like it's it's a no go so I'm just very bitter about that no no no and I get it like jean short shorts you have to be really like you have to be tan you need to feel good yeah it needs to be the perfect thing or just a short dress that's flowy is always a great go-to like I'm always like oh I can like relax here but jean shorts are like yeah they're kind of the devil I'm a baby doll dress kind of gal and I know those had a moment on ticot but I've got giant jugs and I like a little I like to just sit right here titty's under my neck are they real they're real yeah oh yeah

and I'll tell you what I got perfect nips For a large breast, I got a really nice breast to aureole ratio. Fuck. Yeah, that's my one. You have so much good shit. Fuck you. You're like, let me show you my thin little ankle. Also, perfect fucking nipple.

I literally come in here and been like, I had a great sorority. My husband is fantastic. Life is great. Now, I haven't shit today and I do have anxiety. But other than that, I'm thriving. No, but I mean, listen. Great hits. I am always, now especially, you know, being in the spotlight, I pick apart myself all the time.

No, it's nice to be like, yeah, I fucking like something about myself. And you know what? They're not where they used to be. I definitely would love a lift, but they are, the ariola is nice. I'm fucking jealous and I'm already picturing it. Like I'm thinking of it sexually. Your husband is lucky moving on super thin eyebrows. Oh, no, those, they should never come back.

Okay, but what's worse? The, like, giant. I mean, mine are looking a little big today. I mean, mine are thick, too. I'd rather more than less. Really? Because you can always pull a friend aside, take them to, you know, a coffee bean and just say, hey, what are we doing? You know, this comes from love.

Where we can peel it back. Yeah. But you can never. But the amount of gross serum, castor oil, you know, and all the eyelash serums apparently make you go blind and they ruin the collagen underneath the eyes. Wait, what? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Apparently, we've been using all the last serums and they apparently dissolve all the fat underneath your eyes.

Oh, perfect. I mean, you know, maybe I should start rubbing this all over my body. But no, thin eyebrows should never come back. That is a crime against humanity. It should be outlawed. You should have to do hard time. If you're overplucking, you need to get your life right. But then like, it's so unfair because I look at Pamela Anderson and like in my twisted

mind, I'm like, God, I wish I could pull that off. No one can pull it off but her. But her. And just let her have it and move on. I really, I suffered. And I think, because you said earlier, you didn't have eyebrows. I growing up had, I had the hair. I had nothing to show.

for the hair because like if you saw me in the right lighting, you'd see like what looked like a unibrow and it's like all just peach fuzz. I finally died then when I was in high school and I had never felt better in my life. I was like, oh my God, my five head is gone. I've got the angles, it looks good, but then I just kept building on it.

And I feel like I really took it to a level where I see pictures of myself in the freshman year of college. It's bad. They got too much. They were black. Yeah. We definitely over died for a long time.

And they were cinder blocks. I always had thick, natural, bushy brows, but I would go to the nail salon. And, you know, they would just, like, hold you down to the back. I never went to, like, an eyebrow specialist. Oh, my God. I'm like, I'm getting a fresh gel set, and I'm getting my eyebrows done in the back. And I came out one day, and the tips were gone.

I mean, they ran away with them. And then, you know how long it takes to grow that shit back? Oh, you're fucked. Or you're fucked. So my entire college career, I had my deep side part. I'm in a pair of goucho pants. I'm in a halter top. My, you know, perfect nipples are hanging out.

I put on 45 pounds, and I got no brows. and I didn't blend a smoky eye. I mean, I've really come a long way. Picturing you smoking a fucking sig. With a sig and a nice, you know, Jessica Simpson wedge. The gauchos. Gouchos, yeah. God, they were good.

Gouchos were great. And then if you wanted to hook up with somebody, I'm kind of in a gaucho now. You didn't even have to take them off. They could just slide a hand up there and just finger you, you know? And that was, that was fun. The width was impeccable. I think we should maybe bring gautos back.

I think we should. I know people are trying to do the barrel gene, and I'm not in a bag. You know what you can't do is finger somebody in a barrel gene. You can't even get half a fist up there. I don't think. Also, who wants to finger somebody in a barrel gene? If I see a bitch coming down the street in a barrel gene,

I'm like, I'm not attracted. No, it's not the look. Gals, that's what we need to, the barrel jeans are out. But don't you think that is where that's a definition of women dressing for women? where they like the girls would think these are cute i don't know though well as a full woman just you know right now here in the flush i say no don't fucking do it let's get rid of it bring the gouchos back buy to the barrel yeah okay this is controversial because i'm staring at your ankle and i'm so worried this goes against everything that we've talked about today about this

one body part that's really a highlight for you ankle socks i don't know if you realize are they're currently out what do you oh ankle oh but what do you have these are is that not an ankle sock no ankle socks is where you're showing your fucking ankle okay but I have a no show I thought that was a no show oh I think you have no socks I was like get out

you stink kidding I got a wide fucking foot if you think I'm letting these cheddar blocks just marinate in here I'm not trying to bake a casserole okay again Nike I'd like a wide um okay wait so I thought that was a crew sock so this is whatever the fuck you want to call it but this

is not an ankle sock this is that like Haley Bieber, like Princess Diana. Yeah, trendy. And I did not know that I was, I feel, I feel attacked. No, the problem is this would cover one of your best assets. Yeah, but I will say, I, my husband, one of his favorite looks is the look you have on right now. He likes the bike short, the oversized sweatshirt, and I'll do the, you know, the scrunch socks. Oh, you will.

I will scrunch the socks. Because your outfit right now, you wouldn't technically, look at you. I know. I don't know what to do. like can I get like did I sit like I don't know what to do okay Heather you look it's getting hot in here I'm so sorry I'm just adjusting I started this fucking podcast saying to you I was breathing and now it's fucking hot can someone turn on the air okay let's talk about

obviously you mentioned your family went through a hard time you lost your dad and so that kind of like thanks for bringing that I know I'm your father sweetie yes dad RIP we love you Kyle yeah we love you Kyle um you moved in with your mom yes And you moved in with Jeff, with your mom. And at this point, you weren't married, right? You're engaged? So, okay, backtrack. When my dad died, I was living in L.A., I picked up my shit.

I moved home. Okay. And then I moved at some point up to New York. But then when the pandemic hit, Jeff and I moved from New York back to Atlanta. And I'm living in my child at home. So Jeff and I are, and we haven't moved out. Like, we are still three's company. Why?

Great question. Because I talked to my financial advisor the other day, and he's like, Heather, you're living pretty cheaply. could you could move on. I don't know why I think um I mean listen I adore my mom she's my buddy I constantly think like the thought of her sitting at home alone on a Friday night hits me in a deep way that like it just gives me like chills down my spine yeah I don't know it's not normal um my husband loves it because he gets treated like a king you know I'm the one who can I'm the one who gets yelled at we I was going to say walk me through this so it's you your husband your mom And it's like a normal day.

Are you guys able to like slightly, like what's the room set up? Like where is where? So you would think that I'd be in like the primary bedroom. I am not. We just blew out a couple closets. So we built like another primary. My mom is still in the main bedroom. Oh yeah.

I'm in my childhood bedroom that we like blew out two closets to expand. You know it's funny. Somebody asked me the other day, they're like, what's the wildest like place you've ever had sex? I'm like where I currently have sex in my home with my mom down the hall who sometimes will chime in and be like Jeff I can tell from that sound she doesn't like it no no no had you ever had sex in your childhood room or like even gotten fingered or felt up or you were allowed to go in there oh no I was allowed to have boys in there but I also you know I don't think a lot of guys called no I'm cute come on no I it is funny being back in my childhood home

but you know my husband my mom adores him and he just gets treated like a king where it is funny being back at my house because my mom, even though like I'm running the roost and like make money and pay for everything, she'll throw shit in a basket. Okay. I don't know if your parents did this growing up. Like my mom, I'll walk in the door from being on tour. Heather, you got 14 things you need to carry. It's all in your basket. I opened all your mail. Your taxes are due tomorrow. You know, you've got some money in your bank account. And I'm like, quit going through my shit. Doesn't matter that I'm an adult. She still treats me like I'm 13 years old. I kind of love it though. Yeah. It's kind of cozy. It is so cozy. I mean, it's insane. But my mom is, you know, my mom is, you know,

my mom and dad were each other's truly loves of their life. And my mom was 11 years older than my late dad. Oh, original Cougar. Oh. Yeah. So my mom, it's been wild trying to watch her date now. And she's been bamboozled on like these dating apps multiple times. It's like she thinks she's talking to an architect from New York.

Of course. He's, you know, somewhere in another country and he's trying to steal all her social security number. So really I have to live with my mom because it's Fort Knox. She's just trying to get, you know, a little dick on the side. and I'm not going to have an inheritance because some guy on the other side of the world is stealing all of the funds.

Oh my God. Yeah, it's bad. Oh, my fucking God. And my mom's great. And she's kind of at this point. She's 76. Doesn't look a day over 40. My mom's hot.

Perky titty's, like tiny. She's spunky. She travels. And I keep trying to, you know, I ask my audience all the time. I'm like, anybody got a rich uncle or a great dad who my mom doesn't want to get married again. She just wants to travel.

She wants to feel something with a guy. She wants to feel something. Yeah. And she's like, Heather, I'm not. did yet I'd still like to be intimate I said you get up on that horse and ride girl we we that's so incredible and I actually agree like the thought of a parent being alone as they're getting older makes me want to start crying so I think you're like a lovely human being for do that

but like are you guys caring at all so you're not caring when you're having sex that your mom's going to hear you no but I do I have much better sex when I'm on the road and I'm in a four seasons and we kind of feel bad like the parents got away and it is funny we do call my mom the toddler because when we like go to dinner with her, she sits in the back seat and she watches her iPad and she's giggling to her YouTube's. And Jeff gets along with her. Jeff gets along with her. I mean, listen, he is so patient. But Jeff is, my mom's from up north and my husband's from up north. So they kind of like had their own banter. And I'm just sitting on the porch drinking an iced tea going, I do declare. Why are y'all yelling in this house? I'm obsessed with it. I also

just think like the fact is, as a comedian, like it's a really good dynamic. It works. It's working. it's working. That's, I'm like, I'm not about it. Now, I would like a little bit more money, because if I could expand, if we could upgrade, we need, I would like a big chateau with like a guest house. So I, I at least get to be in my own four walls without Robin barking down my throat. But, you know, we're putting that on the vision board. Something that you talk about in your stand-up special that had me cackling. Well, two things. We have to talk about two things. One is blow jobs because love them and hate them. Sweetie. Sweetie

Sweetie The way that you described heading downtown to the weiner Yeah And seeing the weiner hole And the weiner hole Approaching it

There is a goofy ass hole down there It is Yeah The winter hole is But it works if you like Swirl your tongue in there a little Oh yeah Oh yeah

Oh it's a little If you don't get in that little hole Then they're not getting in yours And we all know this Give a little surprise atop But I never try and go for the other hole You know what I mean I'm like that is

You do you do you You know, when you're married at least, you know when your spouse has diarrhea. It's every 30 minutes, just like your sweet dog. So it's like when people are like, oh, you know, they eat in butt. I'm like, no, Jeff had, you know, jalapeno poppers and TGI Fridays on a golf outing and he's been bitching about it all day. No, I don't want to lick his butt hole. I'm so sorry, no, it's fucked when you do.

Like, I have never like been opposed and I know that's like bad of me to say. but like I'm in the blowjob and it's the accessory to a blowjob moment but you know in between that little gooch I mean I'll tickle I'll tickle the gooch I'm in the gooch I'm hitting the taint I slap it around a little bit I take the dick just hit me on both

sides like I'm doing a little you know get ready with me I mean I'm doing the layers of blush Patrick Tom the whole works but I'll tell you right now I'm not getting I'm not going for the back what I love about unless he is rinsed out in the yard no that's what's crazy is if like I've had

guys before I'd be like go down there go down there and I'm just like rubbing it because I'm like I can smell it through the tunnel it's the wafting it's wafting towards my nostrils and I'm uninterested in the fecal matter I got a long nail you just tickle you take the skin you're roll it around a little bit because it's also not lost on me if I go down there and then I go to the weener and then he puts it in your shit is in my fucking V and I'm head into the hospital thank you that's happened before to me that and you know what we're trying not to do have a repeat yeah okay so yeah we get back to blowjohn what i do appreciate you doing and i could feel the energy in the stadium when you were saying this is you're like stadium oh it was a theater but yes i am also

playing stadiums she's in a stadium it was a stadium it was a fucking stadium is you talking to men and just being like you say it better but like not really thinking about the dick while you're on the dick the last thing i have ever thought about while i have a dick in my mouth is that dick in my mouth I am thinking about the drama that is going on in the next door app I am thinking about, you know, the rogue raccoon I possibly may have run over in the Audi Q5 hybrid. Are you deep in the door next door app? It's insane.

Do I need to get on that? No, you don't have time. I mean, you're like, I don't know. I'm running an empire, but you're running like a shamire, okay? No, I love it. I'm in a group chat with all the ladies of my neighborhood. And when I tell you, it is so fun. We had a car burglary, like, two.

weeks ago, if you give a pack of women, and I do say pack of women, because we are like wild wolves, if you give a pack of women in a suburban community, two clues, they have already found the perpetrator, they found who's linked to, we have taken down a full cartel. So I just want to say, fuck the FBI. A couple white suburban women, and we are off to the races. Not Karen's. We are more Sharon's, you know? I am like not kidding you. I've heard people talk about this. And I think I, even if I'm just on the periphery and want to read about, like read in on my community, I'd kind of like to get in there because I like dumb shit drama that kind of has nothing to do with me unless I guess they're saying that there's like

a murderer in our neighborhood. It's so refreshing. If you're like I can be on the periphery and just kind of like chime in every now and then, fantastic. But yes, if there's a, if there's a murderer in my bushes, please let me know. Have you ever been a stalker? You know what? No, but like not yet bitch. Challenge accepted. No. I've had one person that has, Lightly kicked it up a notch in... Oh, kicked it up in awesome. That it could be... It could be equivalent to, like, getting a little stalkery.

But I've done a pretty good job at really, like, putting things to an end when it gets a little out of control. But someone's kicked it up a notch recently and Matt's handling it. I like that. So, Jeff, my husband runs his own meet and greets at my shows by the bar. So, you know, because I have a ton of gals that come to the shows, and he's in the corner just being like, oh, did you want to get a photo? And I'm like, Jeff, she's fucking nuts.

I told you about her. So that's Carol Ann. Run away. Yeah, he loves it. Do you have a stalker? No, but I did have a woman break into my backstage once. Oh. Yeah, but it was my fault because I had given the security guards a couple of Chick-fil-A party platters.

So they were just raw dog and some nuggets. Meanwhile, I'm back there completely out in the nude. Because I like to really dress up for my shows. So I come out and I sweat like a beast on stage. And then I rip off my suit. So I had just taken off my glitter suit. And I'm about to put on my jeans. And a woman's in the doorway.

And she's like, I found you. I know. So one thing you say to something. somebody, you don't say to somebody, I found you. And then she followed with, don't worry, I'm not going to touch you. No. I was like, that's worse. I'd rather you just fucking grab my cooter and let's call it a day. You know what I mean? Let's get to the point. So what do you want? So what did you do? Did you scream? Can I literally was like, can I just put on some clothes? And I put on my clothes. I was like, what's up girl? And she's like, man, I just told,

I said, how did you get back here? She said, I just told the security guard, you know, like, my name's Lane. I was like, no, no. That's what's so funny about those moments. It's like, When they tell the security guards, like, oh, we're friends. We're from that. Sometimes they're like, oh, go in. Go in. I'm not worried about a male stalker. I think I'd like a little bit of a boost to the ego.

But I have always said that I will probably be murdered one day in a T.J. Max by a, you know, a white gal name like, you know, Michelle or Tanya. Like, that's going to happen. That's who's taking you down. I think that's who's taking. Like, you didn't read my DM. I'm like, I'm so sorry. I didn't see it. I didn't know.

I think a light stalker is always good because it keeps you like, oh, we're doing some of the ride. We're kind of a big deal. We're actually like doing things. We're really big deal. Back to the blowjubs. Yes, absolutely. Great transition. I actually think I'm done with the blowjohn.

The point is, is ladies, you don't have to feel bad. And in your special breadwinner, you really, really touch on the important fact of like no one is thinking about giving head when they're giving head. And it's okay if you're multitasking. And that's fine. And what was the other thing you fucking said that was so funny? Oh, oh my God, you believe that all men are slightly on the spectrum and all women have ADHD. it's so true. I think so. Here's the thing. Men are really good at getting dialed into one thing. My husband is incredibly successful, but he's successful at one thing at a time. Meanwhile, I will be on stage delivering jokes. I already have my like Uber Eats order in my head. And I'm like, oh, fuck, I've got to call my attorney on Monday about the thing with the thing. And I'm multitasking all the time. I mean, there are some days where I feel like ADHD can cripple you, but I've realized it's actually, I feel like, all women's superpowers. Yeah, it gets it gets shit done. We get shit done. But yes, I do not think about

anything sexual while I'm blowing my husband. And I tell women the best thing. When people come to my show, you know, they used to be like, oh, I drug my husband. And then the husbands have the best fucking time. My show is for everybody. But my job is I like to, I know, it's so fucking I love it. I had, I drug my husband here. I'm like, that you didn't have to put a gun to his head. I thought you at first she said. I blow them backstage. If you come to my show, I will put your dick in my mouth. I thought you were saying the people were saying they drugged their husband. Sorry, I probably said that with a little country

trying like, they drugged them husbands to my show. I'm like, all these men are fucked up. So what they did is, the husbands were out working in the yard and then the women gave them a little, little day, you know, a little pill in a, in a Coors Light. And next thing you know, they're at a Heather McMahon show. Could you imagine? No, if all of a sudden you just came to and you're like,

in a room and there's a glitter, you know, a full-figured blonde woman in a glitter suit just being like that this is what happens when there's a dick in your mouth that would be like the worst trip of your life i'm happy that i clarified at there because i'm not fucking kidding you multiple comments would have been damn like that why didn't you talk about how like she drugs her no no no i'm so sorry i meant i meant when you drag like like you force them to come drag yeah yeah yeah and then the guys are like fuck i never saw it that way and they have a great time but yes i i don't think guys realize we're always the mind's always on the move we're always on the move we need to talk about the hall passage we

We need to talk about the hall pass situation. Okay, great. Yes. I'm not, I'm not trying to give away too much of your special because everyone needs to go watch it and there's so much good fucking shit. But this hall pass situation, you almost can't help but be like, did this act fucking happened. This is insane, Heather. This is insane. So walk us through. Also, legally, I don't know what, I don't know what I'm allowed to say, but no, I, my husband's hall pass is the incredible, gorgeous model, Kate Upton. Love. And we were down in the Dercs to Keikos and she'd like

DM'd because we had mutual friends. Hey, saw you're down here. Like, would you like to come over for like a cocktail? What a nice DM. What a nice DM. And I hadn't gotten my husband a Christmas gift. And I leaned over and I was just like, hey, let's go to a, you know, let's go have some cocktails. I told him that my sorority sister is down there. It's so good. And so I get him there. I drag him over to this cocktail hour. The door answers and it's Kate's husband, Justin Burlander. And Jeff immediately, because you know, my husband's the biggest sports fanatic, he had a full boner, full boner standing on the welcome mat of this like, you know, he's like my job. Holy fuck. And I just kind of turned around. I remember it all having in slow motion. I just kind of gave him that like, you like, fuck you, Jeff

look. And do you think he knew Kate was in there at that point? Or did he just think this was a random coincidence. No, he immediately, like he immediately, as soon as he locked eyes with Justin, he was like, let's fucking go. You're kind of like a brave woman to bring your husband into the same room as his hall pass. Well, also, Justin Berlander is an incredible athlete, makes a trillion dollars and is like a model himself. So I wasn't worried about it. If Jeff ever made anything weird, this guy is, you know, an all-star athlete. I feel like he could have body-checked Jeff. No, you're right. And by the end of the time, you're probably like, if he's going to go with her, I at least could go with this and it's not a bad option. You know what? I told Jeff

later on, he was like, I can't believe you made that happen. I said, well, of course, and we never told Kate. She didn't know until I sent her the clip from the special. I was going to say, did you run it by her? No, I was just like, hey, just want you to know, like Kate is the coolest chick in the world. I want you to know, she was so great. And of course, I did not tell her at that dinner. Like, we're sitting at this table with all their friends. And I'm kicking Jeff. I'm like, Jeff, you've been staring too long. Like, he's in the corner just kind of frothed at the mouth. And one of their friends had mentioned, they're like, yeah, it's so weird, you know, Kate is just the coolest chick.

She's so awesome. But like, guys get really weird around her. And you're like, I was like, shut the fucking Jeff. Smile. Eat a shrimp cocktail. Getting weird. But no, they were awesome. But I do think that I have really, you know,

exposed Jeff to these cool opportunities. He's gotten to meet all the sports heroes. And what have I gotten? Let me tell you. All I wanted were to take. I wanted an heiress tour ticket. Okay. I wanted a Beyonce ticket.

Did you go? I went on, because I made it. We were in, actually this is a great story. We were in, um, I was in Australia. Okay. And I was doing my tour in Australia in February. Well, Taylor Swift just happened to be there at the same time. Love.

You can't get tickets resale in, in Australia because they don't have like a stub hub. It's like a legal. Okay. But I was like, Jeff, figure it out, call my agent, figure it out, surprise me, I want to go. It's my last night in Sydney. I've been in Australia for a month touring. Okay. Jeff's like, I have a surprise for you tonight.

I'm like, this is it. He got tickets. I'm going to the heirs tour. I've got the friendship bracelets ready, let's go. And next to you know, our hotel was right around the corner from the Sydney Harbor Bridge. So it's 5 o'clock. I'm like getting ready. He's like, oh, no, no, just go dress casual. I'm like, oh, he's got a surprise. He probably has like an outfit for me. Like, this guy thought of everything. He made me climb the Sydney Harbor Bridge instead of letting me go to the Airst Door. Now, mind you, I have a fear of outdoor heights.

If I'm on a tall balcony, I'm always like, not that I would ever want to harm myself, I don't have intrusive thoughts, but I'm always kind of like, what would happen if I just left? Right. You know? It's just a little bit like, what if? What if? Right. You can't help. So I am on the top of the bridge in this like full windsuit, windbreaker onesie, gripping the side. And they put me at the back of the group.

I can't even talk because I'm having like flashbacks of how dramatic that was. They put me in the back of the group. I'm clinging on to the side of the bridge. And the guy comes up. He's like, are you good? And I was like, I was supposed to be at the heiress tour. And I'm freezing on top of this. bridge and we got off the bridge we take a photo the photo that we have on top of the bridge

is the funniest shit they're like smile and i'm like doing a peace sign like just like i hate my husband oh i had stroked out at that point i was completely like there was no mind-body connection i cried when we got off the bridge and i'm not a i'm i'm a tough cookie yep and jeff went to give me a hug he's like wasn't that the best and i was like i don't know just got to work out like get away from me you piece of fucking yeah shit men that can be so fucking dumb So dumb. Like you knew I wanted this and because we're not going, like figure out something that we could at least and also surprise me. And also probably let you know beforehand the surprise ain't going to be Taylor, but I got something else for you to make it as big, like as great as I could to make up for it. His defense was it was our last night in Sydney. Of course, we'd never get to do this again. And the fun, the best part was when you go to do the climb on the Sydney Bridge, they have all these celebrities that are up and they play the photos. While you're doing the safety briefing, they play the photos.

of all the celebrities. And there's a couple like D-less celebrities and I was like they didn't even ask to take my photo at the end of this. Like, do they know why?

So not only did I ship myself on top of this bridge, they don't even have a record of it for when other people go to climb the Sydney Bridge. They don't know that the number one comedian

of all time, Heather McMahon, was on the bridge. Heather. Yeah, against my will. But it was a great memory. So have you ever gone and seen the Ares tour?

I did. I saw it a couple weeks ago in London. And let me tell you what, it was awesome. I, I'm a, you know, I'm a theater nerd. I wanted to see the production. Yeah. And it was just fucking awesome. It's, it is so incredible. Like, I went once and I'm going to go again. And I am, I just fucking love her. I love her too. And I didn't really, I think I kind of miss literally the era of Taylor, like, for the breakup moments growing up. I was just like two years older than that. Okay. So while the girlies were crying to, you know, yeah, when the girlies,

were crying to all these songs. I was in my dorm room listening to Three Six Mafia. That was what, you know, I was doing drive-bys and the Jetta past the ATO house just being like, nook if you buck, no, if you buck, you know. Like that's, and I was like, it's a love story, baby, just say yes. Yeah. Yeah. That was not, I was, I was in revenge mode. That's why reputation's my favorite album. Oh, it is. That's why I wear a snakes game, you know. Yeah, I'm a reputation girl. I'm literally like a folklore, girl. Really? But that's great.

I mean, I have a softer side, but I love that. When she's in the full snake skin and the one legs out? Oof, I love it. When are you going on your cruise? That's in April. I'm doing a cruise. And again, you know, I talked about possibly getting murdered in a T.J. Max. It also might happen on the Lido Day.

I would get to say, I don't know if you're coming back, but you'll have a good time. I will. And I might not come back because I'll get arrested in the Bahamas. I don't know what's going to happen. But we are doing a cruise, and it's like 2,000 fans on the cruise. and it's other comedians, and it's just going to be four days at sea of us just letting it rip.

And so will you just like... roam around and a moo-moo? Yes, absolutely. With a pinocalada and a rum runner in my other hand, absolutely. And are you going to just like, next to you could, like, staying next to you could be like one of your fans

and like you can be knocking on the wall and they're like, oh, you're just like one with the people. I'm one with the people. But also, you know, when you do comedy too, like I have meet and greets after my shows and I know everybody. Like, you know, I'm one with the people. I mean, you did have to,

you know, the cruise isn't a super cheap thing to do. So I'm hoping that people are making a financial investment or also like maybe a little touchless crazy, but actually the richest ones, you know, are the ones that are crazy. They'll bring you the gifts to the show. And it's like, you think, I buy you a Birken bag. And I put an air tag in it.

So I know where you are at all times. You're like, I don't, the Birken bag for me is a little too cumbersome. Okay. I think it's a bad investment. I said it. I'm going to get absolutely burned at the stakes for saying that. I agree. It's heavy.

It's just big. It's also like, it's clunky. It's not that cute. And you can't, like, you can't put it over your shoulders. So if you're trying to, like, like, look thin in a photo, you know what I mean? You're like, it's like, it's just, it just squeezes the arm. It's not a good luck. It's cumbersome.

It's cumbersome. But, yeah, we're doing a cruise. It's going to be insane. Comedy at night. My mom's going to be there. My husband's going to be running poker tournaments in the casino. Taking pictures with the fans. Yeah, my sister's a criminal defense attorney.

So I'm keeping her on land because I might have to, you know, we don't know what's going to happen. And she's going to be at the port in Miami as people are getting off the boat or not getting off the boat. So she's going to get a couple new clients. I am obsessed. Will you be posting on your social media about it when you're there? We really should make a full documentary about it.

It's an ex-fry festival. Yeah, it's fire fenced and it turns like super dark. And then at the end, it's just all of us with like the neurovirus just like, and that was a day that the ship never came back. I would know. It will never happen, but I honestly.

But then I'd have it like an in-memium at the Emmys. and I have, you know, I haven't been nominated yet, but at least I'd be there. At least I'd be there. Class half full, baby. I am so excited for you. Okay, can we talk about the special now? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, we've been talking about the special the whole time, but I do want to know, like, I was talking to Hannah Burner about this the other month. My girl. I just am so, it's so incredible to watch people that truly deserve it and are actually so fucking funny, like get what they deserve. And I'm so happy for you.

How did this even come to be? Well, so I produced my own special. and I did the first one I did the same thing so I didn't in this business you cannot wait around for people I mean listen you're a self-starter you just if you build it they will come

so I just shot it I shot at the Fox Theater in Atlanta which is like my home theater I mean talk about like a real full circle moment for me and and then I you know then you take it out to market and you sell it so it is so cool the one thing I really love about stand-up

is nobody can tell me no you know it is in this business you get in TV developmental deals they take forever you know you got to get a thousand attorneys involved all this shit but through stand-up I can just pop into a place get on stage say my piece do the damn thing and as long as there are asses and seats listen there can be one person in the fucking audience I'm like we're gonna have a good time but like that is it is the the greatest love of my life other than my family is uh getting to do stand-up and it just brings me so much joy it's so incredible it's gonna be on hulu right yeah on hulu What is the exact date it comes out?

That's a great question. I don't know, but we will post on Instagram. It's coming out very soon. I know it's going to be insane. I was going to say the date. Can I just tell you right now? I do think it should win a Peabody. I should at least get nominated for the Emmys.

Hi, my name's Heather McMahon. My comedy special breadwinner is coming out on Hulu. And when I tell you, I'm a bad bitch. I'm wearing a denim outfit that's bedazzled. and it is probably going to be one of the greatest pieces of art and comedy ever seen. It should be nominated for awards or at least give me a Mark Twain

Comedy Award. Thank you so much. God bless. Live, laugh, love. Tune in on bleep. It's very soon. I'll fucking put it in the description. I've never been great with details. Okay. I'm so excited for you. Oh my God, that was like a, we're like, bleep, hello? Okay, we're back.

Wrapping up. We're like, we need to shut the fuck up and go film some content. This has been really fun. Has it? Can I tell you? I really enjoy you. I'm not blowing smoke up your ass. This has been fun. I'm so proud of you. I know we just met.

But it is so fucking cool to see fucking bitches doing it. I know. Just doing it. Period. And you should be so part of yourself. Thank you. I feel the same way about you. That's why it's so fun to do what we do.

Because I feel like we get to like see each other on social media. And it's always funny to be like, what is this bitch going to be like? I'm sure you thought that when you were coming here. Like, what is Alex Hoover going to be like? And I am so happy. You're so fucking normal. And like, you're humble and you're amazing. And your tits are fucking amazing.

Thank you. I really appreciate it. And I just want you to know, be to you today that you want to be tomorrow. Heather, I love you. Thank you for coming on calling on Colorado. I love you. Thank you for having me.