Call Her Daddy - How to Be Single and Happy

Episode Date: January 8, 2023

Are you burnt out from one bad date after another? Are you sick of being single? Are your thoughts consumed with finding the right person? Life doesn’t have to start when you find a partner and couple up. Clinical Psychologist Dr. Jenny Taitz is here to give us all the tools to stop over-analyzing romantic encounters, get over regrets about past relationships, and identify what you want and need in a partner. She helps to shift your mindset so that you can live a fulfilling life whether you are single or in a relationship. Enjoy!

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper with Call Her Daddy. Dr. Jenny Tate, welcome to Call Her Daddy. Thank you, Alex. I'm so excited to talk to you and the Daddy Gang. I am so happy to have you. So Daddy Gang, Dr. Tate is a clinical psychologist and author of the book, How to Be Single and Happy. I love when psychologists write on topics that they are experts on and also have personal experience with. So do you mind sharing, why did you write this book? Alex, there's several reasons that I wrote this book.

I started to see this pattern in my practice where so many people were coming to me from all ages, both men and women that were saying, this is my first time in therapy. I feel fine in my life, except dating feels like the one thing that is not going as planned. And I thought I had a decent sense of self-worth, but it is totally taken a turn and I'm really struggling with how constant rejection is making me feel. And this was kind of coming up at the same time that dating apps were increasingly popular. And so just the vast number of dates people were going on had totally multiplied and the

manners had totally descended. And I also really got it. So I was really fascinated. I'm always interested in helping my clients, but I also really empathize personally because my parents got divorced when I was young and my mom was divorced twice by the time I was like 12. And I really wanted a relationship and my mindset was that relationships were really hard to come by. Good relationships were hard to come by. Anyone could have a bad or terrible one, but a really rewarding one that brought you up was, it was a challenge to find. How did your desire to be in a relationship lead you to being engaged to the wrong person?

So I was going on tons and tons of dates like so many people are. And it really felt like a terrible version of the game match. It was like I was like turning things over and nothing was landing. It was either I didn't like people at all, or I liked people very much and they weren't looking for a relationship or not looking for a relationship with me. And true story, my college roommate, who is a close friend of mine, called me and told me that she literally met my husband. And, you know, I just, I think this person is a wonderful person. So I would never want to say anything disrespectful, but no, it's very easy when you meet

someone that meets certain things that you're looking for and that you do have an instant connection with an attraction to there's something called the halo effect where we automatically fill in the blanks around people that we perceive as attractive as having a lot of positive virtues. So I think this combination of really wanting something and then finding something that was close, but imperfect. And I'm so growth oriented that I did something that I think a lot of women do and maybe men do it as well, which is really questioning, like, are the things that I'm looking for being too picky? Or is this something like a growth point that maybe I need to be more flexible around? And so this, yeah, I think this desire plus the fact that certain things were aligned,

I kept doing things that I think are very natural to do. Like, oh, we'll get to that later. Like, it'll be fine. But really through becoming a psychologist and really, again, a lot of the therapy I do is very experiential. So really reflecting on like, what do I want my life to stand for? Like, why do I want people to talk about it? My eulogy and does this person align with my long-term goals? And then coupled with that really working on radical acceptance. Like I am so

willing to feel lonely, embarrassed, lose like more money than I had because I was in graduate school at the time that I got engaged. I was just finishing up. Like I'm willing to be uncomfortable in the service of my long-term values. And I'm willing to feel all the feels if I'm living a life that is the one that I want to be living. I really appreciate it's like, hey, trust your gut that you'd rather be alone and continue to work on yourself rather than you don't need to just go with something because it's the safe option or it it's almost right, but it's not right. I'm interested to know how did you move past the stressors that come with ending an engagement?

So one of my favorite tips that I teach people, I touched on it, but I'll unpack it, is radical acceptance. So radical acceptance is being, like basically pain is pain, that pain plus non-acceptance is suffering. And so I really operate from the assumption that we need to be able to sit with uncomfortable emotions and trying to avoid them is going to really snowball.

And to really think about like, will I be a good friend to my tomorrow self by being uncomfortable right now? And so this makes a radical acceptance and also emotion regulation, really doing the things that I prescribe to my clients that can feel counterintuitive. But just because I broke up doesn't mean I shouldn't do all the things that I was doing. Doesn't mean I shouldn't go to work. Even if people are going to say like, where's your ring? That's so weird. Oh, or talk about me and to really think about like what matters most, like how I feel or what people might be saying

about me. And the irony is, is like, people are't talking about me, you know, it's, and those people don't matter. Right. And so I think it's really this thinking like short-term, can I be uncomfortable for long-term freedom? I'm not going to discount this. It was very painful. I have so much empathy for people that are single and they don't want to be. I also love how you talk about, you know, walking into work. Like, am I going to be. I also love how you talk about, you know, walking into work. Like, am I going to be embarrassed that people see me without my ring? I feel like we all are at some point in our life. We do it where you're more focused on the optics of how people around you are going to perceive what's going on in your life. And unfortunately the answer is actually like, no one really cares. It's like a quick snap judgment they're making on you and they're going about their day and And unfortunately, the answer is actually like, no one really cares.

It's like a quick snap judgment they're making on you and they're going about their day and dealing with their own issues. And so I think it's helpful to kind of always keep in mind that we are our own worst critic and we are the people that are so focused on our issues and things we're going through, even our successes, like no one really cares. And so it's helpful to be more mindful of like, Hey, if you're not happy, or if you're okay with your decision, if you're embarrassed, lean into that within yourself and don't allow anyone else around you to affect it because you're more in your head about how they think about it than they really are. And if they are talking about it, like even if people are talking about it,

if you're like in the public eye or you're part of like a really gossipy network, that's okay. Like, that is okay. You need to be okay with like accepting that. And like, why pay the price of being in an icky situation or one that doesn't feel 100% right for you for quiet? I mean, I felt, I mean, it was super awkward. I was like starting out as a therapist and like had to tell my patients that were like noticing that's fine. Like that is a hundred percent fine. Like we can make space for all discomfort and through that we can create courage. I love that. After a bad breakup, do you ever recommend someone take time to themselves before

getting back into dating? This so depends on the person and the situation. Sometimes a bad breakup is like years in the making. And sometimes a bad breakup is a clean breakup where there's no contact. It really depends on the person and what they're ready for. If you fully have the sense that you can go on a date and be present with the person, not comparing, not feel like you're going to go home and feel even worse about the breakup if you had a bad date. It's what really, really depends. But I don't want people to feel like they need to take a prolonged break. I think a better way to approach it is to really work on your ability to be present

in the moment and to manage your emotions. Because if you're looking for a relationship, of course you need some time to grieve, but I also don't want people to think that they need to follow certain like rules about duration of time or like an arbitrary friend's advice, but to really think about what works for you. But I certainly think that if you can really see that like you're making the best decision that you can make and the first date that you're going to go on may not be the person that you're going to end up with. But if you wouldn't want to go on a date with you, like then maybe you should give it a little more time. It's great advice. Why do some people struggle more than others with being single? I think there are three main reasons that some people struggle

more than others, which I unpack in a longer detail in the book. But one of them I call running on the husband treadmill, and it refers to any sort of coupling. And if you're listening and you're like, my issue is not being single, this applies to any quest for happiness outside of yourself. And so if you have this belief that there's something outside of you, that's going to make you happy, that automatically sets you up for unhappiness. Then if you also cope by ruminating and we can unpack solutions for all of these, if you cope by ruminating, if you're constantly thinking rather than being present in the moment about replaying upsetting things or anticipating future distress or really catastrophizing. And then the third is if you cope by avoiding, whether that's your emotions

or doing things that you really wanna do, like my life will start once the things that I want relationship-wise are in place, like those three things make us really struggle more. So the combination of this mindset plus the thinking traps, plus the avoiding rather than really sitting with emotions and making your life the way you want it. And I just want to clarify, like nothing that's in the

book is like random thoughts by Jenny, but I came to in the shower, the research on rumination, causing depression and making circumstances that much worse is really significant. And the belief that a relationship is going to make you happy. There's research that has found that on average marriage increases happiness by 1%. There's also research that so much of our happiness has to do with our ability to stay present and pursue positive activities and be part of a strong community and give to others. And so you can do all of those things outside of a relationship. So this isn't just like nice ideas. And I do want to address like, this is hard, but having a relationship, not your relationship status, not be what you want it to be and feel like you're spending a

lot of time dating and it not working out is all the more reason you need to like, I wrote this book is like a book equivalent of like a vaccine of validation and skills of like how can we help make something hard a little easier at what point are your standards hurting you like how do you determine if you're being too picky or knowing your worth it's the thing when it comes to standards that I think is key is shared values like Like you and the person have a shared, want similar things in terms of virtues and what you want your life to look like. Good communication, like a growth, you know, shared desire for growth. I think there needs to be some attraction and a lot of respect. And I really think beyond that, it's worth kind of taking a closer look at what are you looking for? And, you know, I really try to be blunt with my clients. I think the nicest thing you could do is like tell someone if there's spinach in their teeth. merit working on your own virtues in tandem. But the thing that I see more often than people being too picky and the thing that really like pulls in my heart and inspired writing this book is people

not being picky enough, like people taking like whatever they can get, like someone texting them once every three weeks at midnight is not, you know, it is not okay. So I think in addition to wondering if you're too picky, like, I think we need to get really clear on what are the things that matter long-term is this person like, or me and this person wanting to go to the same destination. If you want children and this person doesn't, if you want partnership and this person doesn't want that, you know, that that seems like a real deal breaker. But I think a better question is also what are the ways that I am like rapidly diminishing my sense of self-worth or lowering the standards to like physical connection, total lack of emotional connection,

telling me, you know, I know this is so cliche these days, but telling me at six that we're on for seven after I like hadn't heard from them in two weeks. So I, a big thing that I want people to do is really be mindful of their worth and not let, you know, it's like, you're not going to get very far if you're bartering at like a designer store. Like, please don't let people make you feel like you're like at a flea market. Totally. Like with relationships, there's compromise, but there's also a line where you shouldn't have to be compromising your beliefs and your morals and your wants. So if someone is still talking to their ex because it's easy and it's comfortable, do you have any tools to help break

the cycle and move on? One of the reasons that we feel for someone is because of how we behave. And so if your goal is not to feel the same amount of love, you need to act opposite love. And so the more you invest in someone, the more you check in with them, the more you text them, the more you have like random casual encounters with them, the more you're just preventing yourself from moving on. And connecting with an ex is like a safety behavior that makes you feel instantly better short term. It's like carrying a liter of water and like all of your Tums and Xanax and whatever. But that, that I'm not going to discount that that could be an instant fix for loneliness, but over time that perpetuates struggling with doubt and questioning and the

ability to move on. And so if you ended a relationship from a place of wisdom and courage, you deserve to not have to break up with someone like 75 more times. And I get it. Like I've done this in past relationships and it's so much easier, you know, if you weigh the pros and cons of like ending relationship when a relationship has ended versus prolonging it because of the pains of loneliness. There are so many other more satisfying ways to reduce loneliness than staying in something that, you know, you wouldn't feel proud if a friend of yours saw you walking out from his place.

Do you think that there is anything good about going on a series of bad dates? This is a hard one. I think going on a series of bad dates shows that you're trying. And I don't want to try to like put a positive spin on something that's difficult, but finding meaning is a really remarkable strategy for resilience. And so if we can acknowledge, like, it really stinks if you have limited free time to, and you're looking for something to feel like you're not at all finding what you're looking for and wasting the limited time you have. But if there's some way you can see some good, I mean, we need to acknowledge the cloud is black, but also try to find a silver lining. And so if you

could see like, Hey, maybe I could like be a really nice person and work on not judging someone. Maybe like I could learn more about a topic that I'm not familiar with. Maybe I could get really good at strategizing ways to make dates short and doable and plan like an exit that feels good to me and them. But look, people are having a hard time right now. And so many people are struggling with loneliness. If there's somehow you can frame like going on a date that doesn't feel good as like being a nice person and trying to be like kind and making someone feel seen and heard. One other thing that I've been thinking a lot about is such a good success strategy is around stress specifically

is being playful, like having fun, like having a sense of humor around it, not at the person's expense, but just to go into it as like, that was interesting. Like never would have met this kind of person and sat down with them for two hours, like to kind of have like a kind amusement rather, which is the opposite of feeling totally defeated and hopeless. I agree. And I think making sure your expectations are set for within yourself that you're not expecting to go to meet the love of your life. Like you need to not go in and feel so defeated. Like you're meeting a stranger. It could go well.

It could go awful. But as long as you know yourself and what you bring to the table, it's life. We're going to like some people. We're not going to like some people. What if you go on a first date and you feel like it goes so well, you were really vibing with the person, but then you don't hear from the person and they don't respond to your text messages once you reach out? How do you prevent yourself from overthinking and feeling like there's something wrong with

you? First of all, it is human nature to think there's something wrong with you. Even if you're playing like an online game with a stranger and they don't want to play any longer, people actually lose like feeling like lose, like feeling like their life has meaning. It's really just depressing to feel rejected. I'm sure we can all think of times that people didn't respond to us that we weren't even into how much more upsetting is it when we're interested. And so I think the first thing to do is normalize. I think the worst thing we can do is say, why am I overreacting? Why am I getting so upset? So really normalizing, it's really painful for someone to send mixed

messages and seem really engaged and interested, and then have a total turnaround and not be even respecting us. So I think the first thing is to normalize and not judge that. And then I think to really dissect, what are the key things that make that harder for you? Is it compulsively checking your phone, asking a bunch of friends what they think? Is it overthinking it? And if you're ruminating again, which is one of my things that I think is a key culprit in our suffering what are ways we could break up with that habit so some of the key ways to break up that with that habit is knowing we ruminate when there's a question we don't have an answer to and we confuse ruminating with problem solving or

self-validating like really feeling like understood because maybe someone's not making us feel understood. And if you can catch yourself snowballing and spiraling, instead of doing that, which you could even do with a friend, like you could ruminate out loud, which is called co-ruminating to replace like why questions, like why didn't I hear it? Why don't, why isn't anyone getting back to me with how questions, how can I move forward? How can I have a better night? How can I let someone that doesn't know me be the appraiser of my worth? Realize like, I know this sounds like, no, no, no. But like this person was really amazing. Like actually we don't know, but no one deserves to hold your worth. And like the key challenge in

those moments is how do you catch yourself doing this? And what are concrete ways you can get out of this toxic habit? That is such good advice from changing it to why to how. So I have two scenarios that I kind of just want to ask you from listeners. Someone wrote in and said, I broke up with my partner a couple of years ago. And at the time I was confident in my decision. Now, after years of being single and unsuccessful with dating, I'm beginning to regret my decision. How do I determine if the relationship is actually worth reinvesting

or I'm just feeling the pressures of being single? This is such a tough one because it's hard to know if someone has changed or if your expectations or your priorities have shifted. And so I think to normalize, like any person is likely to experience regret when they're overthinking. So I think of regret is the combination of rumination and self-flame or self-doubt. And so I think to really ask yourself, like, if you knew that you were going to meet someone else, would you feel specifically drawn to this particular person? And also to, you know, I, maybe this is like not a traditional psychologist answer, but I'm also all about like being practical. Like if you, you know, maybe you don't have to go from breaking up, being broken up with a person to being back fully together with them? Is there a middle ground where you could potentially have a conversation or check in or see if things have changed? Because I'm all about checking the

facts and getting data points. But if you have the sense that if you had had more luck and love, that you wouldn't be looking backwards into the past, then that's your answer. I love that. I think that's such good advice. Daddy gang, if you're listening, like, Hey, what if you went on the craziest, most amazing date in a couple weeks, you knew that was about to happen. And you were about to find the love of your life or someone that you really thought was hitting all of your standards. And you felt a connection. Would you go back to your ex? And if you're like, well, no, then there you go. It goes all the way back to loneliness, trying to fill a void, trying to figure out how to not be alone. Okay. The next question,

I'm beginning to have serious resentment over weddings. A majority of my friends are married and I've been single for years. I'm sick of attending their weddings alone and watching everyone find their person except me. It's gotten so bad that I even consider skipping a good friend's wedding. How do I change my mindset? Look, there's two different kinds of things we could focus on. Our goal is like what we get. So a great night, a fun time, like things being easy and a value is how we show up. Do you want to like show up as a good friend? Do you want to be a good friend? If God forbid, like your friend went

through a crisis or you went through a crisis, like what is your, the, like, what are the virtues you want to be are kind of guiding lights. And are there ways that you can find, you know, habits that you can implement to make this more tolerable? So if you're at a wedding thinking everyone else is so lucky and with a partner in this sucks, like, is there something you can do to make it slightly better for you? Maybe even starting with like, like again, your mindset really working on, I can dance. I can really support my friend. I could be like, you get extra like bonus points for being friend of the year when it's not easy. Can you really rev up your enthusiasm and be joyful? I'm all about, I love this concept of sympathetic joy. Like the opposite

of Schadenfreude is really celebrating others' joys. And that's so beautiful and so endearing. And it's not to put your pain under the rug, but if you're so focused on the joy of your friend and not getting wrapped up in, it's easier for everyone else and like having yourself in the mix and never for me, it's a lot easier to kind of have a positive stance. And maybe there's also some middle path where you politely decline weddings of people that you're not at all close to that you're surprised you made the guest list. But if it's a good friend, I really, you know, people think that's therapy is self-indulgent, but my therapy that I do is all about like, who do you want to be? And like, can we, can you do like the Olympics of like you being the best

version of you? And that's usually includes some generosity with other people. Okay. So one of my last questions is everyone. I feel like believes at some point in their life that when they find a partner, they will be happier. They will be fulfilled from your experience, seeing clients. Do you find this to be true? I really don't. I think having a partner can prevent you from going down these endless spirals and wondering what's wrong with you and what you like could do better, but we can get there without having a partner. Again, you know, on average marriage increases happiness by 1%. We know the things that make us happy, the things that make us happier, staying present in the moment, having a life that aligns with your purpose, positive activities, a community, being a giving

person. You can do all of that without that. And some people worry that if they get too happy, they're not going to feel driven to find someone. But I've never seen that to be true either. It's actually the research shows that the happier you are, the more likely you are to partner. And the reason you should work on your happiness is not to partner, but because you deserve that. And my biggest hope is like, if you, if we could somehow convince you that you're going to meet someone and you're worthy and deserving, how would you live your life right now? I think a lot of people are unhappy when they're looking for a relationship because they put the things that they love about their life on hold. They just think like, oh, I shouldn't pursue this career.

I think I'm going to be too busy. I won't have time to like focus on meeting someone or they are constantly nitpicking at what they think are their perceived problems. But if we could really work on what would you do if you were in a happy relationship? How would that change how you relate to yourself and your life? Can you start doing more of that now? And I am all about finding love, but I'm also all about you deserving happiness and peace right now.

I love that so much. I wish I could clip that. I guess I can't and it's my podcast, but I wish I could clip that and put it everywhere for everyone because you just made me realize that it's like the happier you are when you're single, you are going to be the absolute best version of yourself whenever you then get into a relationship. But trying to find a relationship, it's like, wait, first, how are you? Are you good with yourself? Are you thriving in your life? That's usually when the healthiest relationships come because you know yourself, you know what

you want, you know your worth and you know what is a non-negotiable for you because you're so good with yourself that you're not going to be willing to let someone come in and ruin your space that you've so beautifully created. I guess my last question is to someone listening right now that is single and it's like, you know what, Dr. Tate's, I love all the, I love it all, but I really have just been feeling a little down, a little discouraged. What could you leave all the single ladies out there with today to hopefully make them feel a little bit more hopeful and a little better? Yeah, I'm not going to sugarcoat it. It's understandable to feel a little down. It's okay.

Some feeling of a little down is what keeps you swiping and what keeps you trying to go in apps. That being said, if you were going to like draw a picture of like, you know, a pie chart and make a pie chart of your life and all of the things that matter to you, whether it's, you know, it will include probably health, hobbies, friends, career, so many things. And so we need to remember that if like the relationship, romantic relationship department in your life pie chart is not going the way you want it to go, there's still so much else going for you. And people get really like committed to believing that the best predictor of the future is the past. And that's just not the case when it comes to looking for love. So if you are having a hard time with your relationship status, this is a really hard time to be single. There's such bad behavior on apps. Please, anyone listening, if you are not

behaving well on dating apps, please do better. Like treat the person that you're with. Like you would want someone to treat your future child. I mean, that's really the least we can do. So again, like I want to give you a big hug that your feelings make sense, but also like, I want to give you a big like high five that you can have a lot of the things that you want right now. I can't thank you enough for coming on. I absolutely am going to put the link to your book in the description because I really encourage anyone that's single, go read this book. It really will probably help you feel less alone, more excited for the future, and just

more optimistic that life doesn't stop and end with a partner. It starts and ends with you and what you're going to do with your life and the outlook that you're going to have on your dating life. So I cannot thank you enough, Dr. Tate. This was truly incredible. And let's have you on again. Thank you, Alex. Thank you, Diane.