Call Her Daddy - How to Become More Confident in Social Settings

Episode Date: January 22, 2023

Do you ever think about the first impression you make when you walk into a room? Are you always the one offering up unsolicited advice? Do you find it difficult to connect in a conversation? Dr. Jennifer Freed is here to provide tools so that we can listen better and relate deeper. This episode will help you leave any social setting feeling more confident and at ease. Dr. Freed is here to teach us how to apply these same tools to romantic relationships. She explains the eight stages of love and details how to navigate communication and conflict as you progress through each of the stages, and explains why it’s natural to experience doubt and insecurity as you move past the honeymoon phase. If you want to communicate more effectively in romantic relationships, friendships and even in the bedroom, this episode is for you.

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Hello, everyone, Daddy Gang. Our guest this week is Dr. Jennifer Freed. Jennifer's book, A Map to Your Soul, is a guide to getting to know yourself so that you're better able to navigate life challenges, such as a breakup, a job loss, or a lack of drive. So Dr. Jennifer Freed, welcome to Call Her Daddy. I'm so thrilled to be here because just with Call Her Daddy, it's right up my alley. I love it. So your book teaches us ways we can improve different domains of our lives. And I want to begin with impressions and communication. Let's talk about first impressions.

Do you think that they're important and how can we get a better understanding of how others perceive us? Well, I know they're important because research has told us that we size each other up in the first five seconds. Like the minute you saw me and I saw you, we've already got assumptions going on. That's just what the impression is, you give off, you have more control over how you're giving that impression. And also you're much more interested in how people are receiving it. Everyone wants to feel self-confident when they enter a room, right? What usually prevents us from being confident? And what can we do to move past insecurities when meeting new people? That is the easiest fix in the world.

You're going to be blown away. Ready? Here it is. Don't think about yourself. Confidence is being interested and engaged with others. Now, I'm a very shy person at a party. I mean, when I was younger, I would just have to get wasted just to go to a party. Now, because I've learned this trick, I can go anywhere, which is everyone's a little nervous and insecure. We all are. So get interested in the other. So if I walked into a party, I'd walk right up to you and say, hey, what's your name? Alex. Okay, Alex, what brought you to this party? Everybody wants to be cared for and understood. So if you've got good questions, you never have to feel not confident in a room again. That is such good advice.

And even the way that you just said it, it's way more straightforward than I think we give ourselves so much anxiety walking into a room. It's like, hey, imagine how many other people, even if they look like they're totally with it, how many other people are nervous. Remember that next room you walk into. Why do people often offer unsolicited advice in these types of environments? And how can we break that cycle? Well, number one, let's all agree that no one wants unsolicited advice. Everybody take a moment and think about when's the last time somebody just bolted into your life and gave you advice that you just loved it?

No. So then why do we do it? We want to feel important. We want to be helpful. We want to be in control. We want to fix people. I mean, we have all kinds of motivations. But the point is, if you really want to connect

with somebody, help them find their own good advice. Yeah, that's great. It's like listening to then help guide them towards the advice that they'll come to on their own rather than preaching. So when someone is going into their next social setting, and I agree with you, it's like, don't give advice. That naturally would then lead you to listen. And I think some people may not know, but they're not the best listeners.

How do we listen better? Well, there's four ways that we typically engage in conversation that really isn't about listening, but we all do it. So I want to name them. One is we problem solve. So Alex tells me about some issues she had with her friend and I jumped right in and start telling her what to do. That's problem solving, but it's not listening. Next is Alex tells me about some jerk that just ran into her car. And instead of me listening, I started identifying, oh yeah, last week somebody ripped me off and it felt like this and it felt like that. Identifying. The third way that we often don't listen is what I call toxic positivity, which is when you're having a really bad day,

Alex, and you're feeling bummed out. And instead of me listening, don't worry, Alex, it will be better soon. You've got this. this you know you've been great before you'll be great again and again not listening and then the fourth way is which is so common these days we're just not present we're distracted so we're making jokes or we're thinking about dinner or we're on our phone wait a second i've got to just get this. And we're not present. Now we all do all of these all the time, but let's really understand that that is not quality listening. So what is quality listening? Watching how you talk, feeling what you might be feeling, imagining that's called empathy. If I were in your shoes, what it must be like, actually remembering what you've

said and referring back to it, tracking what you're saying, being quiet and just receiving you like, wow, Alex, I never understood that you went through that or that that would be this way for you. And then finally, the real art of deep listening is asking the right question as a follow-up to what the person is saying. And that would be instead of a yes, no question, Alex, did you like the party? Yes, no, that shuts it down. Or Alex, what was it like for you to be at that party? An open-ended question, which gets you to talk more. And then I'm listening and receiving. The most important thing is mindset. Do you go into the conversation as we often do? Oh, I know what she's going to say. Oh yeah, get to it. I've heard this before. Oh,

wait till I get to say my part. Mindset is everything. I listened to you, Alex, like I have never heard this person speak before. Every word might be a pearl. I better pay attention. I love that you're talking about this because I think that unfortunately people don't understand how simple it is to socially connect and have a better time. If you really do focus on what you're bringing into the room and the energy. And so no one wants to be around someone that's just talking over everyone and is so involved in their own life and self that they have no interest in what everyone else is doing or they're not reading the room.

So I'm going to give a few examples of maybe a problematic first impression and how we can solve them. So first example, let's say Kayla is super smart, very informed on current events and what's happening in the news. But when she's in social settings, she's very overconfident on what is right and what is wrong. And it's pretty off-putting to people. What can she do better communication-wise? Well, first we'll just help Kayla by saying you're an expert at thinking and logic and data. Bravo, Kayla, you've got that mastered. And so you can relax on that because what you don't have mastered is empathy and feeling and connecting at a deep heart level.

So you would say to Kayla, instead of, you know, it all arrogant biatch, you would say, Kayla, you could possibly work on trying to tune into what other people are going through instead of hijacking it back to what you know, because we know how brilliant you are. Get more in touch with what other people are interested in and draw them out because Kayla wants to be an expert. So let's play on her strength and say, get to become an expert at bringing other people out. I love that. Okay. Next example, Barbara is sensitive and passionate. When she feels strongly about something, she might break down crying and leave the room. She often feels lonely and misunderstood. What can Barbara do in social settings to feel

better connected? Well, first of all, you've just illustrated that Barbara is an expert feeler. She's feeling for everybody and everything. So she has to work on becoming more objective and more logical. So you can say to her, Barbara, everyone knows that you feel the most of everyone and we love you for that. Like you are the little puppy everybody wants to hug and adore because you're so sincere and sweet. But we want you to improve on the game of being more distant and objective. It doesn't mean you will be insensitive, but observe people instead of merging into them. Step back and think, gosh, I wonder what Alex is interested in these days. Get more in your head and less in

your heart. And that will really help you, Barbara. It's really, really great advice. Just also coming from the perspective of everybody kind of innately knows their strengths. It's just a matter of if you want to acknowledge what you're not as good at, but you can start with your strengths like, hey, I'm a really good this, or I know I'm this and then work backwards from there of like, okay. So if socially I've been struggling a little bit, maybe it's because I'm not focusing in on my, the things that I'm not as good at. And if I over-focus on that, because you can always have your crutches, what you're good at. So focus on what you're not as good at. And then socially, you're going to allow yourself to flourish because you're going to be really mindful of those areas,

which you probably have not been so mindful of in the past. And that's causing people to walk away from you at a party kind of, do you ever feel yourself daddy gang? If you're listening, where you're like, everyone always is like cutting me off or kind of like, if we're at the dinner table, people kind of like turn and I'm in the center and no one's trying to talk to me. It's probably because you're not listening. Everybody is an egomaniac in some capacity. If you listen to what someone next to you is saying, they're going to talk to you all night and let them be the unselfaware one. But you're then going to leave an impression of, wow, that's someone I can go to and talk to. And I like to have a conversation with rather than you bulldozing through the

conversation. Yes. And daddy gang, I'd like to add the most attractive quality on the planet is earnest curiosity. If you want people to be more interested in you, get more curious because curiosity, if it's not a stalkery curiosity, if it's just a pure curiosity is actually the most sexy fricking thing on the planet. It's such a good point. My, I was talking to my brother cause he's single and he's starting to go on dates recently in LA. Cause he just moved here. And he's like, I was like, what's your strategy when you go on dates? And he's like, I just ask questions, obviously not in like a job interview style, but I show them I'm interested in them because it allows them to feel good about themselves and talk about things that they

feel comfortable in. And then they also respect that I'm interested in their life. And then there's a mutual balance because then they start to ask me questions because they're comfortable. So it's a give and take. Okay. You break love up into eight stages. So stage one, longing and lust. Two, doing everything to look good to the other. Can relate to that one. Three, sharing deep, passionate contact and feeling. Four, doubt and insecurity. Five, battling for power. Six, getting real and doing the work. Seven, sharing values explicitly and planning futures. Eight, compassion, forgiveness, vulnerability, and transparency. That is beautifully written. Is there a timeline for each stage of love?

Are both people also in this couple usually on the same page of that timeline? Well, if it's working, they're usually on the same stage. People break up pretty quick if they're not in the same stage. But what we found studying relationships is you've got about six months to two years to be in the first four stages of blind lust and hopefulness and without having to get down to the real nitty gritty. Some people hit it quickly after six months, some people later. There's these drugs that happen in the brain in the beginning of a relationship that are the most

delusional drugs anyone could ever take. So you don't see people clearly for quite some time. You don't really get into those later stages of the work until you've passed that part where you're just gaga. And now you're getting a little disappointed and, oh, it's not exactly how I thought it would be. And there's not a person on the planet that doesn't get disappointed and disillusioned past the first stage. So that's when the work really begins. So six months to two years it takes. And I guess that would kind of be considered the honeymoon stage. Everyone coins it, right? Right.

So after those early stages, the honeymoon stage, is it natural to have doubt creep in? Completely. Because when you're in the love bubble, that little drug of all those positive hormones, you just really believe that both of you have invented this kind of love that no one's ever felt before. It's that magnificent. You're like gods and goddesses or goddesses and goddesses, whatever your sexual orientation. The point is, when you come crashing down from that and like, oh, they smell or, oh, I don't like the way they're chewing or, you know, just the weird shit that gets in your head after you're disappointed. Everybody starts to feel some doubt, doubt about themselves, doubt about being committed, doubt about the other. That's normal because you've gone from Mount Olympus crashing into some sort of mundane, ordinary, mortal feeling.

So helpful to understand. Is conflict more common in one or a few of these stages? And what are those stages? Yes, it really depends. So some people that are very fiery love to fight and argue and have hot, great sex after fighting. And some people would never want that. So if you're the type that likes that kind of fire, fire stuff, then you might be fighting all along. But if you are people that generally like to get along, the fighting comes at a later date when you feel more safe and secure. So it really depends on what type of personality is with what type of personality. You know, loneliness and social isolation can pose health risks. I mean, we see this on social media. Absolutely. People are on

their phones instead of talking to their friend who is in the room. Bottom line is what people want most is connection and to be understood. How can we bypass some of the drama that comes with miscommunicating needs? I think this is probably one of the deepest reasons people get hurt, is they don't say out loud their expectations. So we all come with a whole list of expectations. Some of them we're aware of, and some of them are just blind inside of us. To be a great friend or lover is to let people know what your expectations are upfront so they can agree or disagree. And if you want to be understood, you actually have to be real about what all those kinky weird things are that you want. Yeah. It's great advice. You know, I'm curious for you to explain in case someone

doesn't know, like what is projection and how can the awareness around it help us be better people? Projection is the psychological term for taking negative qualities inside ourself or positive qualities inside ourself that are not as awake or aware inside of us. And we put them on someone else to go, oh, they're that. So for example, people could project on to you that you're like this brilliant, sexy, unbeatable somebody, which you probably are too. But instead of owning those qualities in themselves, they would put them on you. In the same way, you might say, I'm not an angry person. And everywhere you look, there's people that seem to be so angry because here's the basis of projection.

We have everything inside of us. We are not one thing. We're all things. But we identify very strongly with certain qualities and not with other ones. And the ones we don't identify with, we project onto other people. So, for example, if I have trouble with deep feeling, I can project onto all these other people that they're just whiny babies because they're always in their feelings. That's projection. We disavow something in ourselves and we throw it on somebody else. And can you explain why that can be so harmful if you're constantly projecting? Well, number one, true happiness comes from full self-expression. I'm so clear on that. Like to become a truly happy person, you have to be operating on all cylinders of your own expression.

So if you cut off part of yourself and project it onto somebody else, either bad or good, number one, you're not gonna be that happy because you're living not your whole self. The other reason it's really bad is Carl Jung said, when somebody has a projection on you, it's like being buried alive. In other words, when somebody doesn't see you clearly, it just sees you as this projection. It's the worst feeling that the other people have a feeling like you don't get me at all.

You just keep stereotyping me and predicting me to be a certain kind of person. And that's horrible. Yeah. It's, it's really interesting when, when you talk about it, because it kind of goes back to this, you know, lack of self-awareness or your inability to connect, because if you don't really do the work on yourself and you don't recognize maybe socially, what are some of your downfalls in places that you need to work? You're going to continue to find yourself unable to connect with people. And you're going to think it's the other person when really it's you being unable to give the other person the opportunity to be an individual because you're going to continue to project your

insecurities or your flaws or things that you haven't dealt with in your past that are now just becoming everyone in front of you that can be romantic it can be friendship it can be a co-worker and then people just start to pull away because they're not interested in essentially being there to be a void for you to just continue to talk to yourself and have your own self-dialogue using them as a mirror. It's like infuriating. I think we've all experienced it where it's like, what? What are you talking about? Well, I think we all feel it in some degree when we go to our families and they remember us a certain way and they forget that we've grown and changed and they even treat us the way we used to be. And so then we start going, am I that person?

Am I not? Like to be in true intimacy with the world is to never know what's going to happen next. Don't put anybody in a box or a cage. I don't know what's going to happen next with Alex or my partner of 26 years. I have no idea. And what a great feeling that is. Yeah. I love that you compared it to the family dynamic because I can, and I think that's so common just because family is a pretty consistent relationship and your family members are going to remember specific points of personality or even moments that they remember your relationship with them the most. And so while you're out there growing and evolving in the world, maybe your sibling or your parent is still seeing you as that little girl or little boy that was having tantrums before

she went to school. And so they're like, you're so dramatic. And really it's like, I'm actually in therapy. I don't, I don't know the last time I've been traumatic. Mom, I think it's you that isn't doing the work to recognize that your daughter is full. Like, you know, it's yeah, that's, it's so interesting. Family dynamic is a perfect way to kind of, it's the crux of it all. Can you explain the subtle sexual field and how it can help all people tap into their sexuality? Okay. This is a term I coined and let me give you context. After watching 20 years of sex scenes that primarily involve men throwing women against

the wall and just humping the shit out of them or on tables, I started asking all my friends, well, like, who really likes that? Like, I'm just curious, you know? Yeah. And some did. And a lot said, no way, you know, I want this or I want that. So it led me to realize that for most women, not all, we like courtship. And what is courtship? What I call the subtle sexual field. It's like, when I wake up, you want to touch my

hair and look in my eyes. When you wake up, I say, wow, I'm really attracted to your ass, you know, whatever. It's like the minute we wake up throughout the whole day, there's all these subtle possible ways we can signal each other. We appreciate, we affirm, we're attracted. Now, if you do that all day long in texts, in conversation, in looks, in music, in love notes, I promise you by the time it gets to a certain point in the day, anyone that's got some great sexual appetite is going to go, let's do this. So it's the subtle sexual field is it doesn't make sense that we treat each other like we don't matter that much or we take each other for granted. And then it comes to eight o'clock at night. Let's do it. It's going to be so hot.

That doesn't work for most people. They want to feel courted throughout the day in little subtle gestures. I love speaking to you because, you know, we started this interview and we're talking about, there's so many themes in your book, A Map to Your Soul. And like I said, it's a guide to getting to know yourself better so that you can just be able to navigate life's challenges better. And so we've talked about sex. We've talked about self-awareness. We've talked about first impressions. We've talked about engaging in a room projection. Like it all is essentially the orbit of the you and how you are perceived and how you perceive yourself.

My last question is if someone is listening, you know, and is interested in reading your book and is interested in getting to know themselves better, but is a little nervous or also maybe isn't even nervous. It's just kind of like, oh, I'm fine. I'll be fine. What can you kind of leave like them with a lasting message? Well, I'm certain of this after counseling thousands of people. If you read a map to your soul, just by yourself or with a friend, because there's lots of

exercises or with a partner, with family members, it doesn't matter. The trick to life is, like I said, being fully expressed. You cannot be fully expressed unless you've actually experimented with getting outside of your habits and patterns. The book is the key to just living a bigger, larger you. And when you do that, you're much happier. But so are people to your soul is my gift to the world of saying, become more of who you are so everyone can love you better. And you can feel much more satisfied being all of you. I really appreciate you coming on. It's really exciting because, and I think that my listeners are, you know, a bunch of mostly women who are really interested in working on themselves. And I feel like this is such an example of that, right? Like not being afraid to recognize what you can work on, but

also just being excited to grow and get better within yourself. So you're more enjoyable, not only by yourself to be within yourself, but also to be around who wants to be around someone that's a drag or that hasn't changed or isn't evolving. And we all can recognize that person, but do you think you also could work on yourself? And I know I can, and I hope everyone listening today gets a little bit more inspired to put some work with to in themselves, because if you have been struggling at all with relationships, friendships, work, any type of dynamic. This is, this is a great way to start just doing a little bit more internal research essentially on yourself. Like, Hey, what can I work on? Dr. Jennifer Freed, I can't thank you enough for coming on Call Her Daddy. We must do this again. You are incredible. And I really respect the work that you do.

What a privilege to be with you. And I want to say it's clearly, I've looked at your astrology chart. It's clearly a combination that you have of the biggest heart on the planet with incredible intelligence. And I think we just need a lot more women in the world demonstrating both and you do it really well. Oh, I, oh my gosh. I would say the same exact about you. Thank you so much. It was an honor and a pleasure meeting you. Take care.