Call Her Daddy - I am the Star of Your Sex Dream

Episode Date: July 29, 2021

Welcome to the first mini episode mother fuckers…save the date! These bad boys will be dropping every other Thursday. This episode, Father Cooper recalls an instance where a stiff sleepy dick was inserted into her throat…aka she starred in a sex dream. You are all aware of Big Al’s podcasting career, but did you know she is also a landlord? And currently having trouble with her tenants? When will you greedy whores ever be satisfied…god damn, yes you are going to fucking France (with a little Hawaiian twist).

What is up daddy gang, it is your founding father Alex Cooper with Call Her Daddy. It's gonna be a glorious fucking day because it is in fact, uh, whatchamacallit, the first fucking mini episode. You little shits, you don't deserve it but we're fucking here. Alright, well, let's get on with it welcome to the first fucking mini episode hello it's alex your founding fucking father back at it again for another episode of call her daddy mini episode series hello hello okay i've been watching too much of white lotus hello daddy gang, this is a mini episode. It feels a little

different as I'm recording it. It's like, where are we going to go? We're grooving and we're moving. I've got a nice little cocktail. No, I'm actually drinking coffee, but it is spiked with a little vodka. And I'm just, it's the morning. Oh, I actually have my air conditioner on. Let me just, does that sound better? Daddy gang, welcome to the first mini episode of Call Her Daddy. My boyfriend is about to kill me. So the other night I took a dick to the back of the throat from a man that was fully asleep. Stay with me folks. Let's cruise down the freeway and let me tell you this story. Daddy gang. So my boyfriend had to come back from that super long trip. He was in a different Stay with me folks. Let's cruise down the freeway and let me tell you this story daddy gang So my boyfriend had to come back from that super long. Um trip. He was in a different country on a work trip

We hadn't had sex we hadn't seen each other. So it was like a very glorious glorious reunion super fun Um, he gets back and we were having a lot of sex and then the other night my vagina and my labia were swollen and bruised and exhausted and they needed a nap. They needed a little pussy cat nap. Okay. And Oh, Alex zinger zinger. So the other night I'm like, okay, my boyfriend is trying to have sex with me. And I'm like, baby, like I'm so exhausted. Please just give me my fucking night. I need to put on my face mask I need to watch the Kardashians I need to watch Khloe Kardashian reorganize her goddamn fucking closet 19 times and I am going to enjoy myself and so he was like okay like love you good night so he turns over and he goes to bed I pop a little weed gummy because you know it's legal baby and um even if it wasn't

I'd still be fucking pumping it and so I pop a weed gummy I'm watching my show and then I eventually like roll over and fall asleep and I pass out and I am fucking past the fuck out I'm fucking levitating on that mattress I'm high as a fucking kite and then all of a sudden I feel a large weight pushing down on my body and the house is collapsing. No, I open my eyes and there is a penis inches away from my fucking face. I'm awoken by a hard dick. Okay. And I look and my boyfriend is fully straddling me. And I'm like, Whoa, where the fuck did this come? How the fuck is that thing that fucking

hard? What is going on? And I'm like, Oh my God, babe. And we start talking. He's like dirty talking. He's like, you're so fucking hot. Like, Oh my God, I want you. And then all of a sudden I was no longer turned on by the Khloe Kardashian organizational skills. I now was like, wait, I'm actually in the mood. I was, that's a big thing about the mind. It's a beautiful fucking thing. An hour ago, I was like, go fuck yourself. Now it's 2am. I wake up. I'm fucking horny. There's a dick in my face. I want it. And so not, and listen, here's the thing, daddy gang. I knew in that very moment, I have two options. Number one, I can suck it. Or number two, I can fuck it as in get the fuck off me. But I didn't sign. I didn't sign that goddamn 60 plus million dollar deal for

nothing. Daddy gang. I know what I'm worth. No, I'm just kidding. I in that moment got super horny. I was super turned on and I was like, all right, let's fucking go. I kind of pulled the back of his thighs and his body inches up towards me. He was like straddling me and he comes farther up my face and he puts himself in the opportunistic. No, that's not the word. He puts himself in the perfect opportunity position to plop his penis into my mouth and he begins to skull fuck me and I go for gold and I start sucking. I'm fucking, I'm glucking my way to the fucking top this time on my boyfriend's goddamn dick and not the CEO of Spotify, Alex. And then as I'm like glucking, I'm, there's literally so much saliva, which I'm so impressed because I was high as fuck.

There's so much saliva all over his dick in the back of my mouth that it's literally seeping. I look like I have rabies. It's seeping out of my mouth and it's drooling down onto my cheeks down onto my neck and I am fully gurgling gargling whatever the fuck it's called this dick and then all of a sudden my boyfriend's slides out of my mouth and his large body falls to the side of mine and he dies my boyfriend is gonna be like alex you you killed me in the mini episode who gives a fuck no one listens to these things anyways he's like stop coming for me no he fucking he starts snoring he starts snoring and he goes to bed he falls asleep okay he's alive breathing I fucking check his pulse I'm like oh fuck it would have been a better story for content if he fucking conked out but he just starts snoring I'm like peace great fucking take my vibrator out of the side of the fucking nightstand. And I

wank my fucking sore thrombin pussy till I get a nice little half orgasm chub out. There's also people, my friends in the room, if you hear them in the back, oh my God. And I get my chub out and I fucking go back into my high and I let myself recline and go back to fucking sleep cock-a-doodle-doo in the morning I wake up I turn to face my boyfriend and I say oh my god baby that was so fucking hot last night what got into you sorry denied you like that was such good sex we should he looks at me and he says Alex what are you talking about for the next I would say 45 seconds the two of us stare at each other dumbfounded finally I said to him babe so were asleep? And he looks at me and he's like, I guess I was. And in that moment,

daddy gang, I realized that my boyfriend was in the middle of having the best fucking sex dream of his life where I just so happened to be the live fucking performer and star of the fucking show. But he wasn't even fully fucking awake or cognizant to understand what was going on. So I was technically sucking a fucking sleeping dick for no good reason. I sucked dick and I sucked it fucking good for nothing. Nothing. The moral of the story, folks, is be ready. Be on high alert at all times to take a dick to the back of your throat because you never know when you will be the star of someone else's sex dream.

You're welcome, babe. So that was just a little taste of what these mini episodes are going to be like, guys. My life has consisted recently of very good sex. I may attribute that to the show sex life I don't know I don't know if you guys have watched the show sex life but it's basically porn and I've been watching it and getting extremely horny and I can't even blame my boyfriend for having a sex dream because I myself had a wet dream the other night and it wasn't pee fucking assholes it was orgasm induced but I didn't throw my pussy on top of my

boyfriend's head. Um, my dream was, I remember it was after I watched a late night episode of sex life, which I want to talk about that fucking show. Maybe I'll do that in the next, uh, mini episode. I then go to sleep and I was having a wet dream about my boyfriend and I having a foursome with the sex life couple. And I told my boyfriend this and I was having a wet dream about my boyfriend and I having a foursome with the sex life couple. And I told my boyfriend this and he proceeded to say, maybe we should have a foursome in Hawaii. And I was like, oh, okay. Wait, what? So we went to the sex store. He's going to be like, Alex. But I said, sorry, the mini episodes are going to get fucking wild. We went to the sex store the other day.

We bought some very exciting new toys, which I'm excited about. We got one of those remote vibrators that he can hold the remote and then I can put clip into my bikini. Dude, I'm going to look like I have a bulge in my bikini, but I'm going to put in a vibrator in my bikini or in my underwear when we're at dinner or around the resort. And he's going to be able to control the vibrator on my fucking clit we're gonna be like hi yeah we're here for miss cooper oh fucking miss cooper oh fuck people are gonna be like what is going on we're gonna be like ordering the tuna tartare i'm gonna be like i'm gonna have the tuna tartare tartare tartare

can you imagine people are like oh there's the fucking girl with that sex podcast. Hawaii, watch out. I'm going to be fucking moving and grooving and buzzing around. So that's going to be a really fucking interesting situation. I bought a couple of little different outfits, which I'm very excited about that I haven't showed him yet. And I don't want to say it on this podcast because he's going to listen to it. And that's for a surprise for him.

So I'll tell you guys once we get back from Hawaii hi this is Alex your landlord backslash daughter I um I just wanted to stop by drop off your mail and tell you to get the fuck out of my house oh my parents have been in town for now almost five months. I'm just kidding. Well, it feels like that. I don't know if any of you give a fuck, but I give a fuck. And this is also what a mini episode is going to do. When you are being passive aggressive and you don't want to send your parents a text who have been living in your house for the past two months. Hey, mom and dad, I think it's time for you guys to go back to fucking Pennsylvania.

You do it on your mini episode, passive aggressively and say, mom and dad, this is Alex, AKA your fucking landlord. I love you, Lori. You have given me such wisdom, such strength. You've been there for me in such hard times. Dad, you are such an amazing cook. I haven't had to have Uber Eats because you are cooking up a storm in there and I appreciate you. And then all of a sudden your sister came and now my aunt is in town and then my cousins are in town and their kids have been in my house. And then my brother and his new girlfriend came, love them. And then my sister was here. And for the past two months, my house has been my family's house. And don't get it twisted. I love my family deeply, deeply, deeply. But I want you to picture this. You've moved to California. You're trying to make new fucking friends. And you're

also using your back house as a fucking way to have people come and be a guest on your show. And so Tiffany Haddish, okay, Tiffany Haddish and Chelsea Handler show up to my house. Okay. And they knock on the door with their team. And my mom and dad are answering the front door in their pjs and then my mom jumps back into living room with my aunt and is doing fucking jazzercise on the tv and she's like and one and two oh hi tiffany how did you and three and four i'm like mom and then my dad is fucking cannonball into the fucking pool while i'm doing my fucking interviews and I'm like died the thing is is like I haven't had to have a chance I haven't had a chance to have like a little soiree or a mingle and like a fucking pool party I moved to LA and I'm still waiting for my Elle Woods moment where I can get on my float where I can get on my goddamn float and drink a fucking pina colada

and drink and drink up and drink a fucking okay I'm still the point is is I moved to LA and i'm still waiting for my l woods moment i want to lay in my pool and sip a fucking i want to drink a fucking pina colada with my goddamn chihuahua and i want to get fucked on the fucking floaty and i want to spray my fucking squirt all over my goddamn pool party. Listen, and the thing is, is that if I even want to have a fucking pool party, no one wants to come to your fucking pool party if your dad is out back sipping on a fucking daiquiri on the pizza float.

He just wants a fucking daiquiri on the pizza flow. He just wants a fucking daiquiri on the pizza flow. We'll do it in fucking Pennsylvania, Dad! Welcome back to Spirit Airlines. This is our first flight in four weeks. As you know, we took a brief hiatus to deal with the Alex Cooper trashing us for her first Spotify episode scandal and are happy to report we are back and flying. Barely. Our first customers are Mr. and Mrs. Cooper. Strap in. We hope you enjoy your one-way ticket back to Pennsylvania. Good fucking luck.

Just kidding! We are rerouting this flight! the little girl. Questions of the motherfucking week, baby. Oh my fucking God. Questions of the motherfucking week, baby. Hey guys, it's Alex. Questions of the weekucking week, baby. Hey, guys, it's Alex. Questions of the week. Let's get into it. Let's just do a couple little whoop-de-doops. Okay, number one. Do you think it's appropriate for a man to buy you a drink at the bar,

even if you have a boyfriend? Oh, sweetie, you're fucking gambling with death. I love it this happened to me and resulted in a massive blow up with my abusive ex thoughts yes I do have some fucking thoughts are you shocked no I never shut the fuck up um okay my initial reaction is this number one I respect the fucking hustle okay if you're gonna get fucking free drinks at a bar you can be fucking married I don't care what it is I respect the hustle I own up I have literally been at points in my life where I would not go to a bar if it wasn't in walkable distance from my apartment because I wasn't willing to pay for the fucking Uber.

I have even gone as far to tell a promoter who invited me out, I will come as long as you send me an Uber. Like it is so, and it's not even embarrassing. It's just, you're working the fucking system. Like I've always said here on call her fucking daddy. We finesse like it's our middle fucking name. However, I think that the best way to go about it, if you have a boyfriend, you want to be still you're you have a boyfriend. So there's loyalty there. So, OK, you can still get the free drinks. You have to take like a. Like a fucking like a scam artist approach. Here we go, baby. You take the scam artist approach. He buys you the drink. You say, thank you so much. I'll be right back. You pick up that martini. Now don't sprint because we don't want it to fucking flood over. You got to get every fucking

drip of that alcohol, sweetheart. But you lightly glide your way out of his eye range whether you go to the bathroom you go to the other side of the bar or you fucking chug it and you Irish motherfucking exit and you go immediately to the next bar and you do the same fucking thing to the next guy you dis a fucking pier that is the point of it I personally like it makes me if I was thinking about like my boyfriend right now it makes me feel icky that like if I was leaning into like my boyfriend right now, it makes me feel icky that like, if I was leaning into the flirt just for a drink, it doesn't seem fair to imagine. I always think like, imagine if your boyfriend was there, what would you be comfortable with? If you saw you flirting kind of fucked up, this is the point. A martini isn't worth the guilt. Okay. If you wouldn't tell

your boyfriend about the interaction, then I would second guess that if you have that relationship with your boyfriend, where you're like on the phone, the minute it happens, you're running away with your martini. And you're like, baby, I got another one. And he's like, yes, like my girl, my fucking girl. And he's like, you are literally a psycho. I love it. Like get your drink, baby. And like, see you soon. That's the vibe. I remember with Jackie Schimmel, it was like, if you can't joke about something with your significant other, if you can't joke about breaking up, if you can't joke about divorce, if you can't joke about killing each other, then is it even real? You're like, that doesn't seem healthy.

Well, it is. So again, look inward if you can't do that. But the point is, is that if it's something that you would feel the need to hide, I would say you have bigger issues. Then you don't have trust. So be a scam artist and get your fucking nut, get your drink, get your buzz, but get the fuck out and don't linger. And don't give this person the time of the day.

I also think we could just end it with this because it's just popped into my brilliant fucking mind. I feel like this is like a society issue. Okay. And here we go from Aristotle, Alex Coop, Aristotle, Alex Cooper herself. Okay. Why is a guy buying you a drink? A transactional thing.

Like, think about that. Why is there an expectation attached to it? Like, why do you owe someone something? He's the moron that was fucking throwing his card down and praying to God you gave him a fucking second after he slipped you the martini. Like that's on him. Sorry, bro. You've already fucking done your part baby girl by showing up and looking fucking good and giving him enough time to stand there and linger while you wait for the fucking drink that's painful enough so I don't know I just think it's fucked up that that's like something that is deemed bitchy if you take the drink and you bounce

I don't think it is I think it's called being a fucking brilliant goddamn scam artist and I fucking love it. Next, what do you think is the appropriate amount of time to wait to move in with someone when you're dating them? Would you ever ask the guy or would you want the guy to ask you? That is a very, very, very good question. And I think very relatable because I feel like anyone that is ever in a dating situation, like if you've gotten past a certain point, like everyone has at some point is going to be faced with this dilemma. So I definitely have a lot of thoughts on this topic and I personally can speak from experience and also our dear friend Laren's experience of living with boyfriends. So first of all, I just want to say

I'm in no way shooting down the concept of living with a significant other. I would go as far to say that it's a requirement in my eyes almost before getting engaged to someone. I think people that get fucking married, no offense come for me and my fucking DMS, but like if you get married and you haven't lived together, like you're doing it fucking backwards and like you're going to end in a fucking divorce. Sorry. But like you need to see how you live together since I don't know, that's what you'll be doing for the rest of your fucking lives. Like, can you fucking imagine if you literally go to live with this fucking person and fucking Christian sprinkles when he fucking tinkle, I just literally spit everywhere. He sprinkles when he tinkles and he isn't neat and he doesn't wipe the fucking seat. Isn't that a nursery rhyme? But can you imagine like in all

seriousness, I think in my opinion, you learn a lot about a person by living with them. And I think another point that I would think of if anyone's listening in like college, I cannot stress enough. You need that solo dolo. Why the fuck do I keep saying that? That solo dolo time post college, not living with someone because the real world is completely different than

college land I know all you bitches are like wait but like we had sleepovers almost every night Alex like I would sleep in his dorm room or his fucking apartment that's not the same fucking thing that's literally so opposite what fucking living together is but what I do want to caution you on is getting yourself into a situationship. So back in my Slim Shady days, we all know that I moved in with Slim Shady and I was living the fucking life. And I'm not going to lie. It definitely exposed me to a world and a life that I wouldn't have experienced that on my fucking own at the time. Like I just graduated college and then I was all of a sudden spending the fucking mornings working out in the building that was Equinox and then posting up and like gazing out the floor to ceiling fucking windows in this penthouse apartment. It was, it was intoxicating. And I know that for me, I had a point in our relationship

where I was literally brushing things under the rug, I wouldn't normally have done. But because I knew confronting those issues meant potentially giving up this like sweet roof over my head. And I understand, listen, I'm not trying to be a fucking asshole. I understand you're probably not writing this asking to like move in with a fucking professional athlete. But I think that this advice still holds true. Like why I brought up Lauren was when I was living in the 301 with Lauren, she already knew at that point her relationship wasn't it. Like we were living together. There were so many red flags with her boyfriend, red flags that she thought though would go away by moving in together. And I want to preach what I know Laren would fucking preach is moving in together. If you listen to one thing, listen to this. Okay. Moving in together

is not a magical wand that fixes your fucking problems. All the bitches that also think getting fucking pregnant is going to fix your fucking problems. Moving in together is not going to fix your fucking problems. So I think when Lear baby moved in, when Lear baby moved in with him, did her problems get fixed? No. Did new problems develop? Yes.

So I'm not trying to scare you, daddy gang. Maybe I actually am. I swear to fucking God, if you DM me that you moved in with your boyfriend, some of you are like five years into a relationship. You're like, can I not move in? No, you can. It's just moving in is basically this to me. Okay. Here's the fucking thesis. Moving in is basically you're either going to from there break up or get married. that's literally what it comes down to you create this fork in the road where there's only up or not even fucking down but fucking out you can't digress from fucking living together and be like all right let's actually live apart

now babe like it doesn't work that way um historically speaking. So I think that if you guys are waiting for the guy also to like propose to you to move in your relationship. Wait. Yeah. Wait. This is actually a good point. Now that I'm saying it out loud. Let me say this slower. So everybody, every bitch, every man, every human listening. If you are waiting for your partner to propose to you to move in. Your relationship is not mature enough for you to move in. This person is not going to get down on one knee and open a fucking little box with a key in it. If you are mature enough and your relation, not you, your relationship is mature enough. You two will have mutually had a discussion about moving in together. It won't you be crossing your fingers and fucking hoping to die and hoping that he asks you someday somehow to move in.

Okay, last but definitely not least. Hey, dad, I'm so confused. I had a revelation recently. Do all guys have square butts? I'm so confused. What is going on? Baby girl, this question literally gets my fucking rocks off. Woo. My balls are fucking tingling, baby. This is my answer to this. And I love that you asked this question because okay when I was in Chicago I was sitting with Lauren and Kristen and we were all watching sex life in our robes eating fro-yo and slowly the fro-yo just started kind of dribbling out of all of our mouths because

our mouths dropped open when the shower scene of the men occurred now yes maybe we were really looking at the huge schlong but more importantly aside from the huge dicks in the shower that we kept pausing on to fucking see if it was a real dick and how is it that big we were also commenting on men's butts and I remember verbatim Kristen my friend was like why do guys literally all have like dimple like side hip dim they have fucking hip dips because they don't have hips almost like it's like a non hip dip hip dip it's like a fucking dimple all men have it and so I was like wow it's so fucking true and so I think when I think about this topic, I think on the flip side, I go as to say, do we want them to have a bubble butt? Do we want the men to start getting the BBLs? Do we want him to look

like Kim Kardashian? Someone needs to have the superior fight in the relationship. And I personally believe let's take pride. It to be you let us let's own that our asses are nicer than men's now listen if you get in a fight absolutely drop fucking curb stomp him and show him your fucking ass and say who has the better ass shut the fuck up I get to pick the Netflix movie today because look at my ass and look at your dimply flimply fucking loser ass bitch boy and listen if it really bothers you because I get it if you're like wait no like I don't want to be mean like I genuinely wanted him to seek help for that fucking sagging loosey goosey fucking dimpled in I think you could say hey babe I'm doing a fucking Chloe Ting workout do you want to join me for some fucking squats? And let him know what's fucking up.

And I think it's just like, it's if he's getting, what am I fucking talking about? This is the, here we go. This is the thing. You have to know the difference. Is it, is his asshole a book that, I can't even say this seriously. Is his ass a book that just went out of print? Or is it a book that sat in the rain for a little and got some coffee fucking spilled on it? Does that make any fucking sense?

No, but it does because books are square and they have no fucking shape, okay? Be the backbone of this relationship. And also I want to end it on this because you know, girl power, I would like to say to any man listening or women, if you are playing this and just play it for your fucking boyfriend or any man, honestly, that you pass in the fucking streets to men listening to this podcast. I want you to fuck off. Okay. And how I want you to fuck off is I want you to take a picture of your ass. Every man listening around the world, take a picture of your fucking ass. Okay. Like a, like a, literally a nude. Okay. Like, like you ask from her, Oh baby girl, let me see that fucking

ass. Let me see yours, Johnny. Okay. And then the next time that you feel inclined to comment on how a girl's ass just isn't that fat or isn't that nice or Ooh, if I put my fucking face in that ass, it would feel like fucking nothing look at your nude that's what you have to do next time before you make a comment about another girl's ass look at your own fucking nude christian because it's fucking non-existent go fuck yourselves and stop commenting on women's asses and stop commenting on their bodies because all of you would be so fucking lucky to have the dump trucks that the daddy motherfucking gang is carrying. We are superior. You are not shit. I'm just kidding. I love you, man. Daddy motherfucking gang. That is it for this week's, the first mini episode. I definitely

feel like a different vibe bration coming from my lungs and my heart and my soul and my energy when I'm doing these mini episodes. I feel a little bit more creatively inclined to take a risk, throw out a good or awful book joke. Take a risk, make a change and break away. Kelly Clarkson, guys, I fucking love you so much. Um, Hasta luego, just fucking live and let live and touch your ass. Give it a fucking kiss and just know you're a hot ass fucking bitch. And this summer, yes, it's hot girl summer,

but now we're fucking switching it up. This year is B D E baby and dicks are fucking small. So what does that mean? It's big daddy energy this year. Motherfuckers daddy gang. I will see you fuckers next Wednesday. Bye.