Call Her Daddy - I Brought my Boyfriend Home- a fail.

Episode Date: November 24, 2021

Let’s take a walk down memory lane…vodka in water bottles, clip in hair extensions and hook ups in your childhood home. Smells like the biggest drinking night of the year – aka blackout Wednesday. STORYTIME! Big Al has experienced a Blackout Wednesday (or two) … let's expose a few more of Father Cooper’s hometown horror stories. How do you think it went the first time she brought Mr. Sexy Zoom Man home to meet her family? (Spoiler alert: a complete disaster). Daddy Gang, you know the drill...we need to sprinkle in a bit of health and wellness. Alex ends the episode by having a conversation with clinical psychologist Dr. Suzanne Wallach and the two discuss a variety of tactics anyone (even if you aren’t in therapy) can implement when it comes to difficult family situations during the holidays. Dr. Wallach addresses topics ranging from boundary setting to disordered eating and grief. Enjoy! This episode includes discussion of eating disorders. Please keep this in mind when deciding if, how and when you’ll listen. For resources on these topics, visit spotify.com/resources.

what is up daddy gang it is your founding father alex cooper with call her daddy it's about to get emotional i know my kingdom my fucking name my mercy i'm coming home daddy are you guys still listening daddy gang it's more than good it's great welcome back to another fucking episode of call her daddy all of you are packed onto the airplane or packed into your cars or your bike and home with your knapsack on your back and you are preparing for your arrival home for Thanksgiving break. It's the holiday season and a whoop-de-doop hickory dock. Everyone gather round. It's Thanksgiving with your father. And before we can all stuff our faces, we must black out on the biggest drinking night of the year, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I'm thinking about college. When was college? It was either 2013 or 2012 that I went to college. And I think I graduated college in 2017. So does that mean I went in 2013? Sure. There I was, 2013, freshman year of college, and I was going home for Thanksgiving. I had just finished soccer season.

I don't think I played a wink. I rode the bench and you know Big Al knows how to ride. I remember running home almost so happy to get away. It was a hard season. So I was pretty excited to go home for Thanksgiving. A lot of people on my team, which AK were my friends, were from Boston. So they were regularly seeing their parents. And I was like, God damn, I miss PA. So there I am ready to go home for Thanksgiving break. And there was something about that year. I felt my glow up had continued and escalated. I was looking good. I was feeling good. I was hooking up with a hockey player. Thank you, Henry. Yep, I agree. I remember packing up to go home and I brought my biggest suitcase as if I was traveling to Europe. I was going home for about three days. How was I supposed to know what bodysuit I was going to want to wear on Wednesday? Would I look better with red versus black? Was I going to try to go color versus neutral? I didn't

know. So I had to make sure that my bodysuits were stacked thick in my L.L. Bean rolling suitcase bag and I needed to ensure that all the different tricolor tones of my extensions were packed because we didn't know. What we did know is I will be prepared for any situation. I will be prepared if randomly in Pennsylvania there's a rave getting thrown. I will also be prepared if there's a basement party and I have to bike there and I'll bring my sneakers but also my wedges just in fucking case. Now of course I was excited to see my family and my siblings but not really. They weren't really at the top of my list. My enemies I was excited to see. My past lovers. The lovers that I never got to love on. I was ready

for them to see me. I was going to walk in to a bar Wednesday in Newtown, Pennsylvania, seeing all my old colleagues, nope, all my old classmates. And I was going to strut in there on the biggest fucking drinking night of the year. I felt like in college that first semester, I really honed in on the assets that I liked about myself. My ass had gotten even bigger because of soccer, right? And listen, although I wasn't playing a lot, neither were any of the fucking freshmen. So I wasn't like that heard about it. And the fact that I at the time was dating one of dating a guy on the hockey team at my school is a big deal so he had actually invited me to go to his house because he was from Boston but I had said no no PA awaits so I'm on the train Amtrak cruising and I've got a playlist bopping to Miley bopping to Beyonce rubbing my clit a little bit across the seat like getting myself horned up

ready envisioning myself walking in to what I will explain to you as the green parrot it's on the corner of ice cream alley it's like where was I raised the street is called ice cream alley and there is this fucking it's kind of like an Irish pub, but not really. It's a restaurant that fucking old farts go to, except for the one year, one day of the year, aka Wednesday before Thanksgiving, that when all the degenerates come back from college and the old crowd clears out at like 630 and there's like a line at this bar down the fucking block and people are fiending to get in because that's the only place to go and everyone is ready to show up and show off their new tits or their new nose or their new hairstyle or whatever the fuck they got

done when they went to college and they're coming back and they're ready to show it the fuck off maybe it's a significant other that you're bringing home I don't know so I hit up my girls Nicole and Nicole yes those are two people two of my best friends when I was in high school were Nicole and Nicole. And so we're all coming back and we plan, let's meet up at my house and we're going to go drink in my basement. They actually were both the oldest in their families. I was the youngest, aka my parents did not give a fuck. Once I came back from college and I had secured my scholarship, my parents were like, drink your life away, sweetie.

We don't care. Go for it. This is what I used to have to do. Go to Trenton, New Jersey, use a fake ID and pick up a handle of Burnett's raspberry vodka. Now, as my parents watched me go into my dad's bar, take a handle of vodka and say, I'm going down in the basement. Don't bother us. So me, Nicole I'm going down in the basement don't bother us so me

Nicole Nicole head down into the fucking basement I came in like a wrecking ball some kind of banger was on and we were vibing and we were drinking oh my god we're back from college how has college been for you and we're joking about like who are we going to fucking see at the bar tonight that is the best fucking thing if you guys are coming back from college right now you're all going to fucking see at the bar tonight that is the best fucking thing if you guys are coming back from college right now you're all going to happen to be like who the fuck am I about to see and so I was kind of going through some of the girls that were cunts to me in high school I was going through some of the guys that I was like wait would I low-key be down to like at least give him a make out if I see him at the bar the guy that I never got to hook up with in high school and they

were going through the same list I look at Nicole say, are you still interested in hooking up with Brad? I look at the other Nicole. I say, are you still wanting to fuck Chad? Because for me, tonight is all about Tommy Riley strategizing and walking through scenarios. And like, what if you run into him while you're walking to the bathroom? Like, are you going to go suck his dick in the stall? There's a different type of excitement that comes with that return to your hometown. Like you never even fully got to like really drink with some of those friends that you're coming back with. Like I remember Lauren and I, Laren, we never really drank in high school together.

Like we had separate groups in high school, so we didn't fully party together. So like there were moments and I'm sure you guys feel it where you're like, dude, we're fully being able to rage in front of our parents right now. And they're driving us to the bar. They know we're getting fucked up. And think about that juxtaposition. It's like your mom or your daddy has to drive you to the bar still. But it's also okay that they know you're drinking at this age. Like you're in an environment that you used to be a child, but you're now kind of like a pseudo adult considered, right? You're coming back from college. You're no longer in high school. It's fun to show off your adulthood almost. So there I was trying to pick out my outfit and I remember it so vividly. I had this exquisite black bodysuit from Urban Outfitters and it was sucking and tucking every

crevice that I needed to suck and tuck. And my tits were so ginormous because I went back to the one thing I knew, put my socks in my fucking bra. Yes, I did it. I didn't give a fuck. My tits had to look A1 that night. And obviously, if I was going to fucking go all out, I'm putting the fucking socks in the bra. We're going all out. Tits first, face second, ass third. Those ass cheeks have grown and they shall be shown. Oh my God.

Am I okay? Let's go to Green Parrot. Maybe Uber was around, but Uber was not around in Newtown, Pennsylvania. So my mother, shout out, sorry, mom, got to expose. Mom, why do you drive this car? My mom drove a white Toyota minivan. The white whale. Mom, this is what kids get kidnapped in.

Kids would run off the road. That woman is literally going to kidnap me. Like I was scared of white vans. So mom, I repeat, thanks for scarring me. My mom wasn't driving in a Mercedes. My mom was driving the white whale. So there I am with Nicole and Nicole. We get to Green Parrot. We press the button so that the car door would automatically slide. Yes, we were sliding through Newtown in the white whale. Minivan rolls up. Girls, have fun. My mom had turned from the psychologist tyrant to now the mean girl's mom. Have fun, sweetie. Let me know when to pick you up. And Nicole and Nicole and I popped out of the van and we shit our pants the line at the green parrot was so long I'm trying to show up and I'm

trying to look cool but I'm about to wait in a fucking line which also why is that like why why is that even a thing why is it embarrassing to wait in a line nobody wants to be wearing a tank top freezing my actual tits off I didn didn't bring a jacket. I remember seeing everyone in the line and everyone sizing each other up. Do you know that bouncer? Look his Instagram up. DM him like DM from my account. I have more followers. Tell him I'll suck his dick in the bathroom. Like how do we get in? How do we get in? I don't want to, but I will. I will do whatever it takes. So Nicole finally is like, wait, I know him. He actually went to Council Rock. Like, let me get in. Let me get up. And we slid right in.

Unbeknownst to me, no line, no problem. It's like no one ever fucking knew. I actually used my sister's ID, which was helpful because we look very much alike. And so I was able to just pop in. Boom, boom, boom. And I get into the bar in the first hour. Maybe everyone was running around like it was the first day of school. Oh my God, how have you been?

How's school and makeup on and their new fucking haircuts? By hour two, the green parrot had become a fucking orgy. Amanda was making out with Clint. Clint was giving a handjob to Adam. Adam was simultaneously fingering Priscilla and Priscilla, Priscilla was playing darts. That's not the point. The point is there I was standing hand in hand at the bar with Nicole and Nicole and I make eye contact with Tommy Riley. He was a senior when I was in eighth grade. He played basketball. I played by myself. I had no friends. He had the most beautiful,

gorgeous Zac Efron hair. I was color coordinating my braces to align with the holiday calendar, trading out my October orange and black bands for a brown and maroon fall sequence. That is embarrassing. Dr. Kraut's orthodontic work apparently wasn't impressing Tommy Riley. So naturally, he never noticed me. But that night, he did. I came in looking better than ever, okay? It's my Cinderella story by Nicole and Nicole. I'm going home with Tommy Riley and my brother will pick me up in the morning at his house. You go find Brad. You go find fucking Chad. I found mine.

Okay. That night, every single person got their fucking pussy wet. And that was the story. Shout out Green Parrot. Shout out my brother. Shout out Rock Bottom for me specifically. But what a fucking time, right? God, now what sounds like a nightmare and a horror story, but at the time, a true dream. I wake up Thanksgiving morning in Tommy Riley's basement

bedroom. I call my brother. He picks me up. We go home. To my mom burning the fucking house down because she can't cook for shit. My mom doesn't know how to cook, microwave her best friend. Can you tell my mother's daughter? But the point was is that when I got back on Amtrak to go back to Boston, I had never been more excited. And that's really the greatest thing about Wednesday, right? What happens Thanksgiving Eve stays in your hometown. You

eat your hangover away on Thursday and by Saturday or Sunday, you flee the scene. And it's as if Tommy Riley's parents' basement never happened. Unless you would like to revisit that time and place again, because he is without a doubt still in his parents basement shout out Nicole or the other Nicole if either of you are going home this year he's all yours baby listen people hype up Christmas Eve but Thanksgiving Eve is really where it's at one night that everyone is gonna be fucking home that's going out so I don't know I actually loved it and I thrived and then all the years after that it's interesting because it was different situations for me, right? So like, everyone this year, you may be literally coming home after finally going to fucking college after

this pandemic, it may be triggering, you may be like, I don't want to go back or you may be running to get back because college is a lot for you right now. Like, there's a lot of things that are going to come from going home for Thanksgiving, or you may be in the real world now, right? And your fucking apartment that you can barely afford, switch out from your twin bed in the city to a nice full. Things get wild for Thanksgiving. All of you are probably listening to this on a train or a plane right now. And you in your mind have a scenario that you're playing out and you're looking forward to or that you're dreading. Maybe one of your fucking parents over drinks at Thanksgiving or just over drinks in general. And you're like, I don't want to fucking have to see that again.

Or your parents fight or you fucking hate something with your siblings or your fucking Uncle Gary is an anti-vaxxer. I remember for a while I had a hard time with some of my extended family because like they still treated me like a child. I'm an adult and yet I'm still getting put at the fucking kiddie table. No, even now I've got my Spotify deal and I'm still getting put at the fucking kiddie table even though I paid for the entire Thanksgiving. What the fuck? Can you imagine? The point is, is that there's positive and weird dynamics. And I just think it's fun to talk about. Listen, family dynamics are fucking shit shows. And there's pros. But by the time you're done, probably Thanksgiving, you are ready to fucking go. I'm actually in a position where I don't know. By the time I release this, I don't know where I'll be be I'll either be on a plane going back to Pennsylvania or there's a chance that I'm staying in California and going to Thanksgiving with my boyfriend's family and I have never been to a Thanksgiving with a boyfriend ever in my entire life so I don't know how that would go even if I get along with them so well fuck I wish

I was like watching my mom burn the turkey and watching my dad have a glass of scotch and be like Lori you're burning the house down let me help and my mom being like I just want to be able to do one fucking thing I want to try and then us eating cereal like maybe i'll miss that and my brother bringing his girlfriend home and my sister and i getting in a stupid fucking fight is that my sweater from 2012 why the fuck are you wearing that katherine why are you wearing a crop top at thanksgiving alex because i fucking can call her daddy bitch and then my dad being like i'm the dad of the family and me being like not anymore dad i'm the daddy and then me going to sleep in the basement and remembering not only cum corners of my high school adolescent years but also the beginning of the single father era when I started the funeral and all those

episodes and it got dark and dreary out there and then I'm going to be like why didn't I go and stay in California Thanksgiving yeehaw get, gobble. Sorry, not yeehaws. For a different, gobble, gobble now. So if anyone is dealing with the concept of, do I bring home my significant other for Thanksgiving? Alex, I'm listening to you right now on this beautiful Wednesday. And if I turn my head to the right, my fucking boyfriend or my new girlfriend is sitting next to me and I'm bringing them fucking home. I'm bringing them back to Chicago. I'm bringing them to Texas. I'm bringing them to Florida. I'm bringing them back to Chicago. I'm bringing them to Texas. I'm bringing them to Florida.

I'm bringing them to Oregon, wherever the fuck you're going right now to see your parents and your family. You decided it's for the best or you're forced into it, whichever. I'm bringing home my significant other this holiday season for the first fucking time. I don't think it could get much worse

than my situation last Thanksgiving. Mr. Sexy Zoo Man came to my home in November. What the fuck, right? You didn't tell us about this. Well, I'm telling you now. I went to London with him last year around this time. And for Thanksgiving, I went home to be with my family from London. And he came with me, me, Mr. Sexy Zoo Man and Henry en route on a plane to see my family. And I have told Mr. Sexy Zoo Man at this point, this is a big deal. No one has ever met my family. But I meant no one has ever been to my childhood home. The first day that we get there, we are having drinks.

We're celebrating. My parents are beaming with pride. It's been years and we were getting concerned. Will she ever find love? We're standing there. We're having drinks in my living room and my dad, he's got his polo tucked into his jeans with a belt and he has a

slideshow on our television my entire family lineage is on my dad's phone that is connected to the tv and it looks like a photo book is just flashing left and right new photos of my family that is horrifying i'm just nervous mr sexy zoo Man is about to see my childhood photos. I haven't given him the information how ugly I was when I was younger and all of this is fake. How am I going to tell him this? Dad like do you have any younger pictures of me because you know busted Alex whatever and he's like no I think it's like I think it's more recent which it was. It was more recent. What I had forgotten is that during Christmas, my family and I have this tradition where we go into New York City. We go to see the Rockefeller tree and we would have dinner right next door at this place, Del Frisco's.

And we would eat there and then we'd go see the tree and we'd take pictures. My senior year of college, I was dating door number three and we were in New York City for like a week together that year my parents were adamant we need to meet him it's the beginning I don't know he's they're like we're in New York City why don't you just bring him I'm hyperventilating I don't know I think I really like this guy you guys know door number three like the whole thing I don't know why I think I really like this guy. You guys know door number three, like the whole thing. I don't know why I've never ever introduced a guy to my entire family. And there I am in an Uber with door number three heading to Del Frisco's. So flash forward now it's 2020 and Mr. Sexy Zoo Man is watching my dad's stupid fucking slideshow and the photo appears me my mom my dad

my sister my brother and door number three's arm around my shoulder standing in front of the rockefeller tree so there we are we're sitting we're having a cocktail and Mr. Sexy Zoo Man looks at the TV and I'm considering all the options. Do I take my top off? Do I chuck a glass at the TV and actually have an exorcism before his eyes? Do I say, who is that? Who is that? What? How did that get there? Dad, what? You're up to your photoshopping games again. Like, like father, like father. And I start to lose my fucking shit. And all I do is I stare and I look at Mr. Sexy Zoo Man and he just looks at me and he says, only guy that's ever met your parents, huh? And takes a sip of his tequila. And that slideshow single-handedly just fucked me thanks dad this baseball player is on my fucking family tv my dad although is chuckling in the corner

lubing up the lamb chops thinking it's funny dad fired mom fuck off I gotta go do damage control so I say hey babe uh do you wanna do you want to go pick up the cupcakes with me bunt cakes in new town shout out honestly incredible to his dismay he says yeah sure I just start word vomiting like listen yes he met my parents it was super early I it was one night I didn't even like it. It meant, I mean, it meant something. It meant, yeah, of course. Well, you've heard it was. And then, and you know, and then the, and then how it goes and Christmas and he was in this and then I'm sorry. And he basically was just like, listen, it's fine. I just, if roles were reversed, you probably would feel pretty shitty. If you saw bleep like in a family photo with me and I told you that like they had never met my parents to which I tried to explain yeah no one has ever been in my childhood home

like and that's a truth I fucked up pretty royally and now I know moving forward that there is a photo also of Slim Shady and me and my parents at a dinner that he has never seen. And therefore moving forward, I'm savvy enough to ask my father to fuck it off with the goddamn playbook running through on my TV. And I will never make that mistake again. And so God forbid, if my boyfriend does come home for Christmas or for Thanksgiving, if we end up deciding to go there instead of California, I will make sure it's a stagnant ocean or a fireplace view on the TV. Or I will be the one to curate. And he will never know that Slim Shady also met my parents. all right so I wanted to take you to you so but I realized that with the holidays approaching, there were a lot of questions that were written

into the show that I felt needed professional advice. So I reached out to Dr. Suzanne Wallach, who is a licensed marriage and family therapist to come on the show. And she came on zoom with me and answered your question. So daddy gang, I hope you guys can find some answers from our doctor today. Enjoy. Thank you so much for coming on here. This is incredible. Oh, I'm honored. I'm familiar with your podcast. So it's such an honor to be asked. Oh my gosh, it's an honor that you even know it. Okay, so the worlds are colliding. I wanted to ask you first to just give a little introduction to the Daddy Gang, just about your background and specialty.

So I have a doctorate and a master's degree in clinical psychology, and I own a group practice. We specialize in borderline personality disorder, complex trauma, eating disorders, and substance abuse. So basically Daddy Gang, I'm having Dr. Wallach on today because I wanted to do a fun Thanksgiving episode. And I asked my listeners to just like write in questions to me about any advice they wanted for the holidays. And it was kind of touching to see the amount of people writing in with like really deep, intense fears of going home for the holidays. And I recognize within myself, like, yes, at times this can be a comedy podcast, but I feel like using my platform to have someone like you

on that can actually put them at a little bit of ease and get answers from an expert like you to calm their nerves of going home during the holidays is going to be great. It's a really, really hard time for people, I think. And I think it's a time when like social media makes it really hard and TV makes it hard and the movies make it hard. And there's just like such an expectation that it's supposed to be such a happy time of year. And it's just not for a lot of people. They dread it. And so, yes, we are often finding ourselves helping our patients cope during this time. I'm just going to get right into it and start reading some of the questions

and then we can have discussions around them. Okay. Hi, Alex. Coming up on the holidays. It's always a hard time for me. My parents separated about four years ago. My dad has completely abandoned me and I only have my mom. My mom has a boyfriend that she has been on and off with since my parents separated. I hate this man so much. He has a raging drug addiction and he's an alcoholic. He always ruins family events, but my mom would do anything for him. And she thinks he can do no wrong. I hate spending time with my mom when they're together, but my mom makes me feel bad for not going to family functions on the holidays. I've tried to talk to her about it, but it doesn't help. And I don't know what to

do anymore. Help. Usually what I tell people is like, you have to kind of weigh your pros and cons. So is it going to make you so upset and be so upsetting to be there versus like your mom being upset with you? Are you able to have an adult conversation with your mom and explain to her why you don't want to be there? You know, I feel like around this kind of stuff, it's really about healthy boundary setting. Do you have an alternative place to be for the holidays so that you're not alone at home? And if you are, if the decision is to go, then it's usually to just, and this is, I think the hard part for people, it's to set your boundaries in advance, not to wait until you're there and at Christmas dinner, it's to let mom know, hey, I'm going to come. This is what happened last year that made me uncomfortable. What can we do to make things a little different? And then having a plan ahead of time for when you're there. So these are going to be my hard

boundaries where I might have to leave. If this happens, then I'm going to do this. You have to figure out what your own boundaries are around alcohol and drugs. Some people wouldn't want to be there at all. Even coming at it from the most loving place of being like, mom, I'm trying to see obviously your side of like why you're dating this person. But like, you have to understand for me, it makes me really uncomfortable with the drug and alcohol abuse. It's very triggering. I think that's so such a good idea to have the conversation prior to it happening. You also have to remember that, you know, you can ask for it and people can also say no. So if mom isn't amenable to that or doesn't feel like she wants to do anything about it, then you know, you have to move on to, okay, well, do I want to go? And I think it's a really hard thing for people to think about maybe being alone on a holiday or feeling like they're not with their

family. And that's where it comes down to, I feel like pros versus cons. And if you go and he is there, is there a way to keep your distance? Is there a way for you to go for a shorter amount of time? Like maybe you go for dinner, but you don't stay the whole night. There's a lot of little paths that you can find if you just problem solve. I think people get really stuck in like a power struggle about things instead of kind of trying to find a middle path. Boundaries. Okay. Here's the next one. Okay. This is going to be my first Christmas and Thanksgiving without my mom. She passed away in January, 2021 from breast cancer. My mom and dad were divorced for 10 years before she had passed. And I would typically switch between my mom and dad yearly for the holidays. My dad has a girlfriend

who is only a few years older than me. I'm 28 and she's 33 and she's nice, but the age difference between my dad and his girlfriend makes me a little bit uncomfortable. Plus we don't really vibe all that well. I know I'm going to be emotional during the holidays and I don't feel comfortable in my dad's home to express my grief or my feelings in front of his girlfriend. And even in front of my dad, sometimes how do I honor my mom's memory in my dad's home in a way that's going to make everyone, including myself feel comfortable. Also just worried about my overall depression and anxiety are going to act up over the holiday. So any tips on that would be welcomed. Wow. That's a hard one. And also, I mean,

I understand that one. My mom passed away from breast cancer also. So well, first of all, I feel like everything that that person wrote in is completely valid and totally expected, right? That's an incredibly hard loss to go through. I guess I'm just wondering though, like, has this been expressed to dad, you know, cause like, is there a way to memorialize your mom? Like, I feel like sometimes what happens is we think we know what's going to happen or how people are going to react. And so it's like, I feel uncomfortable because I can't really have my grieving here. And it, that may or may not be true, but we don't actually know unless someone communicates that to us. So even though you don't vibe with the girlfriend, she might not be opposed to like, we used to, I don't know if you, my parents were still married,

but like we used to leave an empty chair at the table for my mom for like a few years or like, or, you know, maybe it's just doing something special as a tribute to your mom before you go there or later that day or making her favorite dish. Or I think there are smaller nonverbal ways to remember people. And I think as far as dad goes, I feel like if you're having a conversation with your father and your father's a relatively healthy person who loves you, which I'm assuming he does to be able to say like, this is really hard for me. And how, how can we help each other? Like how, how can you help me get through this? And then the last thing I was going to say is definitely in a situation

like that, I would stay away from alcohol or any mood altering substances because you are vulnerable to your emotions when you're grieving and alcohol makes us even more vulnerable. I think for a lot of these, I would watch alcohol intake, like, right. If you're sad and you drink a lot of times, you'll end up in a puddle. Totally. Again, we don't know the exact dynamic, but just because your dad has a new girlfriend doesn't mean that he is going to be insensitive towards remembering your mom on such a special family day. And I love what you said about the alcohol and over drinking. Do you have any advice to people that do tend to go that way, as opposed to being sober? Cause the thought of being sober during this time is just like,

not an option. If you feel like you really can't get through something without having drinks, don't drink to the point where you're going to make things worse, right? If you need to have a couple of glasses of wine to relax, if you need to like pop an edible or do whatever it is that you do, you can do that. It's just, you don't want it to get beyond your control. Right. Because I don't think anybody wants to end up sobbing at the Thanksgiving date table about, you know, their mom who passed away, because that's horrible for you also. So, I mean, I think you just have to like, you know, harm reduction is what it says. It's just like reducing the amount of harm that can come from imbibing substances. And so know your limits, drink wisely. If you feel yourself getting emotional,

I would switch to water. And I always tell people too, like sometimes if you really do need to have a good cry, just go in the bathroom and cry. It's just your nervous system resetting itself. That's all that crying is. And people are always trying to avoid it. It's actually your body's way of trying to like hit baseline again. So if you need to go turn on the water and have a good cry and then fix your makeup and go back out and like, you know, that calmness you get after you have a good cry. Yes. That's actually such a good point. And I love that you're normalizing that like maybe yeah. Lean into it and let yourself go there because it may be a big release. Yeah. Your body's telling you it's trying to get rid of some energy.

Next. These two, I'm going to just read back to back. Cause they both have to do with body image. Okay. I'm dreading my mom telling me that I have too much food on my plate during the holidays. My whole life. I dread holidays because I'm always told to change my diet, add more cardio into my workout and watch what I eat. Meals have never been positive for me. And then another girl wrote, and there were so many of these, another woman wrote, the hardest thing for me during the holidays is the question about my job and my weight. My family is very body image motivated and I'm a mid to plus size. So it's always hard to listen to them talk about how I've gained weight. Or if you would just lose some, you'd be so pretty. I also recently just switched my jobs and my parents still don't think that I'm making enough money and they're always bringing it up. It's just really hard for me to listen to them being so down on me.

When I hear stories like that about parents, it really just like makes me feel so sad. Right. What would be your advice? Again, addressing it before you get there. Right. Cause like if you're at the Thanksgiving table and somebody is humiliating you or criticizing you in front of other people, right. The tendency is just going to be to want to like disappear and to be so embarrassed. And so heading it off before, which would be, there's a DBT dialectical behavior therapy skill called a dear man. And it's an acronym for like how to talk to somebody effectively when you need something from them. So it's really sort of describing what happened, explaining how it affected you and then asserting what you need. So an example of that would be like, you know, mom, when I came last year and you were commenting

on my weight and asking me about my job, it made me feel really horrible. And I left really sad this year. Is there any way that we could please avoid those topics? Like if you can do that, I feel like we'd have a really great holiday together. So yeah, I think just like asking for what you need. And that's the other thing is I think most moms think that they have good intentions when they're, you know, even when they're criticizing us. And so, you know, hopefully your mom can hear that and just steer away from that. But I think if somebody says that to you and you're in a place where you can, you know, you can absolutely say, it's really not okay for you to comment on how much I'm eating or, you know, it's really not like kind for you to be bringing up the fact that I'm unemployed

at Thanksgiving dinner. Can we please talk about something else? You know, you can do it skillfully and calmly in a way where there's really nothing the other person can say, but sorry. I also think that if you express to someone that what they're doing is hurting you, 98% of the time people are going to stop. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

Even though I know it's a deflection because it's pain, but like find ways in humor to just brush it off. Maybe come up, God forbid, this person does keep doing this to you with this canned answer of like, but you know what? I just want to have a great Thanksgiving. And I think everyone at the table can agree. Let's have a great night together and let's enjoy. Right. And it's almost like, then the person that said it feels like a fucking asshole. And everyone's just like, yeah, like, of course. And it just brushes it off and you almost establish like, I'm not doing that.

And I'm not going to allow it. Right. Right. It's like, but we're going to have a great time. Right. And so like your comments, your comments, but I'm actually trying to have a great night. Do you want to have one with me? And it's like, Oh, right. Yeah. Okay. Um, someone wrote in and said, how do you handle an alcoholic in your family? My dad's an alcoholic and abusive to my mom. They've been back and forth my entire life, but just recently got back together. I just finished helping my mom rebuild her life as a single woman. And now we're back to square one help. Okay. That's a really hard one. I feel like if it was a patient of mine, I would probably be trying to come up with other options. I don't, I mean, I'm a really big fan of limits and setting your limits and observing them.

And that just sounds like a horrible way to spend your Thanksgiving. And it sounds like it's so sad already. And the situation is so sad already. Like why expose yourself to more? I think that's another thing that people often feel bad about is people think like, well, it's family. Like I have to, I have to be with my family. And you actually don't.

And it's okay to not be with your family on the holidays. I think it's a time to be just around people that make you happy and that you enjoy spending time with. And I really feel like in a really toxic situation like that, I would really ask like, what do you get out of going? That's fucking hard. That's really, really hard. And like to be there and have it in your face that way. And if dad is drinking or dad is being abusive, I mean, that to me just seems like a situation to avoid. I would remove yourself.

Yeah. It's not you being petty daddy gang. It's not you being inappropriate or rude. Like it doesn't matter if it's family or a coworker or a friend, like your boundaries and your limits are your limits and they should apply to everyone. It doesn't matter how close you are to someone. So that's really empowering. Yeah. Okay. Not so much a question, but just wanted to say that my parents divorced the second I left for college and it was hard figuring out where I should spend my breaks

in between school. I've since graduated and now it's hard figuring out where I should spend my breaks in between school. I've since graduated and now it's hard figuring out where to spend holidays. And it can sometimes feel very sad and overwhelming. I think one parent will be hurt if I choose one over the other, thinking of all those who might feel the same. And I hope the holidays can bring everyone's families together rather than spend them separately. I often think there's just so much pressure on the holidays and we want everyone to be happy and we don't, you know, we want to show up for everyone. And also you can't because you're human. And sometimes it's okay to just accept that like the holidays are not ideal, right. For your family. And that like, that might be a reality every single year. A lot of times

what I'll talk to patients about is like not accepting it, meaning you're okay with it. It's just like in DBT, it's called radical acceptance of just like, this is a bad situation and this is a situation. So let me just sort of like remove my emotions from it, the guilt, the sadness, the anger, the irritation, whatever it is, and figure out how to problem solve. And again, I just think like a lot of these feel like they're about communication, right? And communicating is everyone talking about how this is affecting them, which is easier said than done. Yeah. And also why a lot of their problems crop up in the first place. It's not ideal that you can't be with your, your whole family. I think making the best though, is like the best way to look at it and know that like so many people are going through the exact

thing you're going through. So many people. I mean, we have family members in my family that don't want to be together on the holidays. And so we're always like three houses on Christmas and things like that. And it's, I mean, yeah, it's not great. It's not ideal and it's a situation. So how do you just take it and you kind of said, run with it and try to make the best of it. Okay. Hello, Father Cooper. So my mom has been clinically diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. So this is your specialty. Since going away to college, I am so thankful to have some space, but I dread going home for the holidays because of how stressful it is. It's so exhausting to spend the entire day with my mom. And the one joy that I get out of going home is hanging out with my childhood best friend

at night. However, last year, after spending the entire day with my mom and going to see my friend at night, I started receiving crazy texts from my mom. She was asking, she was saying she knew I actually just wanted to see my friends and not her and inferring that she may do something extreme if I don't come back home because I was leaving her alone for the holidays and I was a selfish daughter. How do I set boundaries with my mom? Not going home isn't an option for me at this point, but I can't have a repeat of last year. Okay. So with people with borderline personality disorder,

boundaries are key and it's how you do it. So you have to always remember, first of all, I think BPD is really over-pathologized, even though sometimes people with borderline personality disorder can get really dysregulated. Usually what they're craving is validation. And I think what happens is because their behavior can be so inappropriate, they often get pushback and they often get like, this is not okay what you're doing and it escalates them more. So even though it feels really contrary to everything you want to do, setting a really hard boundary, it can feel really invalidating to them. So you want to validate the feeling, don't validate the behavior, which is like, mom, I get it. Like, I really hurt your feelings.

That wasn't my intention. And it's like, not okay to send me a hundred texts and threaten to kill yourself if I don't come home. Right. Cause I think the tendency really is just to be like, are you kidding me? This is insane. But you have to remember that people with borderline personality disorder, they're trying to get their needs met. They just don't know how to do it. And that's often from their own trauma and attachment issues from childhood. Also everything is kind of an abandonment. So yeah, you spent the whole day with her and she wanted more. And so you left and that was felt as an abandonment or some sort of like being discarded. And so there's a lashing out that follows. So you just have to set the

boundaries really kindly and validate the way they're feeling because feelings are always valid because they're yours, right? Whether or not it would be what I feel doesn't matter. Like if you're hurt, you're hurt. Could you talk a little bit about what validation means without getting too complicated. Cause there's a bunch of different levels of validation. What you really just want to go to is like understanding how they feel. So I understand that when I did this, it made you really angry, you know, and apologizing for that, you know, because it wasn't your intention, even though like, I think a lot of times people will be like, well, I didn't do anything wrong. I just went to my friend. Didn't you didn't. And if we want to deescalate, you just have to say it's seen. Am I right? And

you can ask too. It sounds like you're really sad, mom. Is that what's going on here? Or cause usually when somebody is coming across as angry, there's a secondary emotion, right? Yeah. So wait, what's going on here? Like, are you sad? Are you angry with me? Let them clarify. And then you can say, okay, well, I understand why you would be angry. I'm really sorry. That wasn't my intention. And always use and not but. And it's also not okay to harass me via text message, you know? Right. That's really interesting and helpful. So someone who has someone in their family or maybe a relationship with someone that

has been diagnosed with BPD, is that usually like the biggest advice you give setting boundaries? Setting boundaries, but learning how to communicate with somebody who has BPD so that they hear you. So when somebody is like, usually we'll say on a distress scale of zero to 10, when you're setting boundaries, but learning how to communicate with somebody who has BPD so that they hear you. So when somebody is like, usually we'll say on a distress scale of zero to 10, when you're above a seven, your prefrontal cortex is not working anymore. You're just all amygdala and half the time they're in fight or flight. And oftentimes it's fight, right? So their brain is telling them they're in a life or death situation, right? And so in order to deescalate someone, they need to feel like they're being

understood and you need to remain calm. Everything's just going to get so much worse if you take the bait and like those threats to harm self and things like that. I mean, I usually will tell family members, if someone is threatening to harm themselves, you can literally just say, do I need to call 911 for you? Because I will. Yeah. Usually that will like take the wind out of, out of anyone's pretty quickly. Like you're really worrying me, mom. Like if you're actually going to hurt yourself, I'll call 911 for you because I'm not going to, because also what are you going to do if she's going to hurt herself? Like, right. You're not, you're going to call 911. Right. Yeah. So, you know, just usually saying, are you actually not safe right now? Or are you,

do you just want me to come home? Cause if you do, I'll come home in like an hour. Do you know what I mean? Right. And you have to remember that, like, if you do jump in the car and go home, then you're reinforcing the behavior. So you don't actually want to do that. You want to be able to say like, well, I will come home. I'll be home in an hour, you know, and just everything we talked about earlier. Okay. I'm seeking advice. So my senior year, these are, I'm like, oh my God, daddying. I feel for you here. Okay. My senior year of college, my father passed away. I am now a junior in college. It is extremely hard going back home for the holidays because I have to confront physical reminders of my dad. The biggest is returning home to my

childhood home. It's a lot easier to not feel constant sadness while I'm away at college, because I'm not physically reminded 24 seven of my dad's death. On top of it all, the holidays just feel weird without him there. Going home always means visiting his grave, which every time I do, I leave feeling absolutely horrible. Am I a bad daughter? If I want to stay back when everyone goes to the cemetery, what can I do if I feel constantly triggered while at home and how do I enjoy the holidays? Okay. First of all, no, you're not a bad daughter. If you don't want to go to the grave site, everybody grieves differently. And some people find that grave sites are really healing and other people don't want to be there.

So that's 100%. Okay. If you don't want to do that. As far as dealing with the sadness and the physical reminders, I feel like I would be doing tons of self-soothing while I'm home. And also like mindfulness of current emotions, right? Like I'm feeling myself looking at my dad's chair. He always sat in. I feel so sad right now. I always like to

self-soothe with the five senses. So because it also is, can be more tactile and it can be more mindful. So, you know, maybe it's just like getting into your coziest pajamas and watching, you know, Netflix under your favorite blanket or lighting a candle that you love, have it smells or turning on your favorite music. But I think having like, we call them in my practice, like distress tolerance kits. Like, yeah, we ask our clients to make them and take them everywhere. So like something for each of your five senses. So if you're afraid of flying, you can have like essential oils to smell your earbuds, listen to music, like maybe a picture of your daughter, whatever it is that gives you a sense

of calm and peace. And so I would be doing a ton of self-soothing mindfulness of current emotions and trying to intervene on those, obviously attending to like your physical vulnerabilities while you're home. So making sure you're sleeping, making sure that you're eating. Cause when we get really sad, a lot of times we stop taking care of ourselves because right. You don't have the energy and you just like taking a shower can feel like you're running a marathon. So it's really important to try as much as you can to like, make sure you're still taking care of your body so that you're not also physically vulnerable to your emotions. Yeah. And then just being really gentle with yourself because you're grieving. Yeah. And I know guys, it probably sounds so silly. Like

you're saying like essential oils and people are like, okay, whatever. No, I know. Like I actually think that what you're saying is such a tangible way to help a little bit in terms of trauma. Right. And also let me explain. So, cause I've had people say that, like when we've said like, what's your favorite food, eat your favorite food. And I will never forget. I have a client once say to me, like, you're telling me to go eat a cupcake when I'm depressed. It's not about eating the cupcake. It's about the fact that when you have your favorite food or you have your favorite scent, or you're listening to your favorite music, your brain creates dopamine and serotonin. So it's not the actual act of smelling the oils, although like that's pleasant. We're trying to get your parasympathetic nervous system to kick into gear. And that's what we want because when we're

overstimulated with our emotions, it's just like all autonomic nervous system. And so we want our parasympathetic nervous system to kick into gear. So we're actually trying to trick your brain into believing that it's, it's having a pleasurable experience in that moment. I'm glad you brought that up because sometimes people do have that response. Yeah. Okay. Next I am traveling out of state with my boyfriend to go to his family's Thanksgiving this year. And this is the first holiday I have spent away from my family. We've traveled together before and I've met most of them, but I'm nervous about it. Holidays are big with my mom and I know she would rather me stay in town, but I obviously can't do that because it's selfish to my boyfriend and our relationship. I've already told my mom that I will not be there

for Thanksgiving. She wasn't very happy about it, but she understands any advice of how to handle all of this. Yes. Let me relieve you of being responsible for your mom's feelings. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I wish it was that easy. And it's like, you still might be anxious about the fact that your mom is upset with you. And it's also not your responsibility as an adult to care, take your mom's feelings. And I think just like checking the facts of like, okay, I'm an adult. I can't be home for Christmas. My mom is upset. So her feelings are valid. Yeah. The guilt trip isn't. And so do I have to take it on? And that taking that on actually at some point does become a choice. You know, you don't feel horrible about

it. That's such a good point too, because I do feel like it's really hard for mothers to, once they start to feel like their child is starting to make a life of their own. And I love that you're saying like, you can't hold your mom's emotions and sadness as your responsibility. You can absolutely console her, but there's also a level of like, you also should enjoy yourself and live your life. And like, I know it sounds dumb, but like, it's just a Thursday. It's, it's another Thursday guys. And it really is just another day. It really is. You can be really sad about not being with your family and still go have a good time with your boyfriend's family. Things can happen together. I'm interested because

of also how many questions I had about with regard to the holidays, women that were writing in that have eating disorders. And I know you specialize in that, how to handle all of that. I mean, the first thing I would say is if you have an eating disorder, please seek treatment for it. You know, I also have dealt with this with a lot of clients and we do so much planning ahead, like so much planning ahead about like, what are the meals going to look like? How can you, you know, if it's purging, like, okay, well, like how do you tolerate the urges? And like, we teach something oftentimes I'm called urge surfing, which is just, you can use it with almost anything, drinking, purging, like whatever coping mechanism you're trying to avoid. But it's really just like studies

show that urges actually only last for 45 minutes. So it's really just sitting and watching, they call it urge surfing because it's like waves, like they, they, they rise and then they fall and then they roll back out. And it's kind of just sitting and tolerating it. And we usually tell people watch a clock. And then, so if that one was 20 minutes, the next time it happens, you know, I just have to get through the next 20 minutes, have alternative things available to do, you know, having a therapist that's available to you that will help you in those moments or somebody else you can count on if it's a friend or whoever you feel comfortable talking to those things about. But I really can't

stress enough that just like plan ahead, plan ahead, plan ahead. Don't just go and like say, I'll figure it out because it can be really hard that way. That's great advice. Friends will fucking be there for you. Sometimes more than family. Okay. And so like, listen, I have an entire, I didn't even know how to get through all these questions because of so many people that are going through this holiday season.

So it's like, you are not alone. And if you can find that one, the word is so annoying, but I had to use it in soccer and accountability, buddy. If you have a friend, like literally, if you're like, listen, when shit's hitting the fan on Thanksgiving, I'm calling you. Are you down? If you have issues, you call me. Okay, bitch, let's go. And you like make it fun. I think people feel like suffocated by being at their, in their hometown again and their childhood bed. And it's like, I need to get the fuck out of here. Yeah, no, people do feel like that. And that's when those tendencies to use like these coping mechanisms that they do work. I mean, they're just not, they're not sustainable because if

you're already in this stressful situation, like engaging in a behavior that is going to increase like shame and guilt and have you hiding something that's going to, again, make you feel worse. That's not the goal. Yeah. I think, listen, I really appreciate you taking this time because there was a couple of themes I felt like for the daddy gang to take with us is like one setting those boundaries and limits and not feeling that you're unable to do that because this is family versus friends. There is no difference.

Like it's boundaries and limits are limits and they are applicable to every relationship in your life. And then I think the communication and planning to have a conversation prior to what you think would be the issue, like gaining up that courage to really like have a conversation with someone that you know, you're going to feel is in need of a conversation with you. And then the third one is planning. I think that is huge. Like really prepping yourself and almost like acknowledging those triggers beforehand so that you are like, Oh, bring it the fuck on. Let's go. I'm ready. Yeah. I mean, we call it a plan. Like you're just coping ahead of time. And so if you cope for the worst possible situation,

you're going to be prepared for anything that can happen. Right. That's what we'll like, I'll say to people, it's like, what's the worst possible scenario you can think of. If you're prepared for that, anything else that comes your way is going to be easy. That is such good advice. Like there's so many different things of just planning ahead that if you have it, then when it hits you, the trigger, you don't have to freak out as much because you're like, Oh, I already knew what I was going to do when I did this. Yeah, exactly. That's yeah. Dr. Wallach. I'm so happy you came on here. Is there anything else you want to say? Or we covered a lot. We did cover a lot. Just that I hope everybody has like a successful holiday season and that, you know, please

like put yourself first and take care of yourself. Like the holidays are really, really hard, you know? Yeah. It's statistically proven that these are the hardest times. And so like understand that and accept that and don't feel like you're like, am I crazy? Why am I fucking depressed? And everyone on social media is posting their perfect life. No, they're not try to read through that and know that like a lot of it is fake. No one's posting the bad. It's only the good. So don't feel like you're good. I mean,

it's curated, right? Yeah. Yeah. This was so helpful. I'm so thankful for you coming on. Thank you so much for having me. The daddy gang is going to love you. That was so good. I really, really appreciate it. Like that was such good tangible. My pleasure. Yeah. You're so sweet. Thank you so much. Have a good one. Yeah. All right. Daddy gang. That is it for this week's episode please dm me and let me know that i was not alone in color coordinating my braces the worst is that i do think at one point i did put brown in one of my links that's like an actual cardinal sin do kids even these days have braces or is it just invisalign go fuck yourselves gen z you lucky motherfuckers gang. I will see you fuckers next Wednesday, but actually Sunday for the mini. Goodbye.