Call Her Daddy - I cheated and got away with it, now what?

Episode Date: June 19, 2022

This week, Dr. Suzanne Wallach joins the show once again to answer the Daddy Gang’s toughest questions. Alex and Dr. Wallach discuss how to overcome the avoidance that stems from anxiety and strategies to help you stop comparing yourself to everyone else in the room. In the spirit of health and wellness, Dr. Wallach explains why you should NOT be snooping through your partners phone and provides techniques to rid your life of that behavior. Have you ever asked yourself is this abuse or is my partner just an asshole? Dr. Wallach can help explain the difference. You cheated on your partner and got away with it, but the guilt is overwhelming. Dr. Wallach’s advice on how to handle it might surprise you. This episode is packed with advice on these topics and more. 

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Hello, hello, hello. Oh my God. I just love you guys. I miss you guys. Hi. Happy Sunday. Happy mini episode of Call Her Daddy. I am so excited for you guys to listen to this week's episode because as I recorded with this therapist, I felt so enlightened. I felt like I learned a shit ton and I was like, holy shit, I cannot wait for the Daddy Gang to hear this because truly in this episode, there is something for everyone. To quickly give you guys an idea, Dr. Wallach has been on the show before and you guys loved her. And I was like, okay, I'm bringing her back. She's our go-to. She gives such good advice.

And we talk about everything from anxiety and the effects that your anxiety has on you, setting boundaries with parents, grief, comparing yourself to everyone in the room, constantly checking your partner's phone and getting anxious that they're cheating, being single and how you feel like so lost in life and stressed about being single, the difference between verbal abuse and your partner just being an asshole, contemplating, should I tell my partner that I cheated in the past or should I just let it go? And lastly, trying to figure out if you want the best for your partner and you're trying to help them get the best or are you actually just trying to change your partner and you're

not actually meant to be with this person because you're not compatible and you find yourself constantly trying to change them. What is the difference and how do you differentiate so many fucking good conversations this week get ready daddy gang go get yourself a cookie go get yourself a a drink cozy up listen with friends or by yourself or whatever you're doing working out cooking cleaning having sex I don't give a shit what you're doing listen up this is a great one love you guys. Happy Sunday. Dr. Wallach, welcome to Call Her Daddy. Hi, thanks for having me back. Dr. Wallach is a psychotherapist who runs her own practice in the Los Angeles area. And I truly believe therapy has changed my life and the daddy gang loves an opportunity to have their questions answered by a therapist. So let's get into some questions

from the daddy gang. We have a great variety of topics today. So number one, why does my anxiety cause me to avoid difficult things in life? I get anxious about a task or something important I need to get done and then I just avoid doing it for weeks or months and it makes me more anxious. I did it when I had to register for classes. We were supposed to register in March for the following semester, and I avoided doing it because it made me anxious. I was getting daily phone calls from my advisor, the dean of my college, because I didn't register for my classes. And it stressed me out so much.

I finally registered the week before classes started. Why do I do this? So the thing with anxiety that we have to remember is anxiety actually serves a really purposeful function in our lives. It actually protects us from things. So anxiety, even though it's really uncomfortable to feel it, and most people like to avoid it, I think what's best is to be sort of like curious about why you're feeling the anxiety. So what is the fear about registering for the classes?

What is stopping me? Checking the facts around, like, is it a fear of failure? Is it just too much? Am I feeling overwhelmed? And then really figuring out how to slowly expose yourself to things. So the reasons why someone might do that, there's a myriad of reasons why, but I think what's more important is figuring out, is the anxiety making things worse if it's causing you to avoid?

Because when we shrink into avoidance in order to avoid anxiety, even though in the immediate, it feels better to ignore something, then things start stacking up and then anxiety actually increases. So one of the other things we talk about at our practice a lot is using like opposite to emotion action. So if my anxiety is telling me to avoid, and I'm mindful of that, and I'm able to do that, what I do is expose myself. And so that might even be like calling a friend and being like, Hey, I'm super nervous to do this. Can you stay here with me while I register for my classes? Or even just like saying to yourself, okay, maybe today I just opened the computer and I look at the classes and I choose them. And then tomorrow I get on and slowly expose

myself to signing up. So it's not so much the why it's really about how you respond to the anxiety. That's important. Just acknowledging, like even taking little steps like, wait, what if you just look at the classes and just, you have no expectations for that day. That makes so much sense. Okay. Next one. Whenever I speak with my parents, they always leave me feeling as if I'm not good enough. What are some ways I can protect my sense of self-worth and also establish boundaries when these conversations occur? If you're in a situation that you're going into that you know might be toxic or are with people that are hard to deal with, but also hard to escape like your parents, what we encourage clients to do is do a cope ahead plan. So plan

ahead of time for your responses to any of their jobs or any things they say to you that make you uncomfortable. You can also plan responses like, you know what, I really don't want to talk about this. Can we change the subject? There's also a way to speak to people where you can maintain your self-respect, which is like paying attention to them and being attentive, but also setting your limits and observing them. So you could say, you know what, mom, I really hear you. And I don't want to talk about that right now because it makes me feel bad. I think what we have to really remember is setting our limits doesn't mean other people will respect them. And so if mom has a response where she's like, oh, you're being too emotional

or I didn't mean anything by it, the best thing to do is use the technique we call broken record, which is just to say, I know, and I don't want to talk about this. It makes me feel upset, anxious, fill in the blank, but really having a cope ahead plan to have like, okay, if they start this, I'm going to pull up my phone and play a game. If they do this, I'm going to go do three minutes of mindfulness in the bathroom. And then maybe it's also like limiting your time. I'm going to go for an hour and then I'm out of there because I don't want to be around them that long. So figuring out ahead of time, how you're going to respond to situations and you can set limits and still prioritize the relationship, right? As long as you are skillful in your delivery,

then you've kept your side of the street clean. How they respond is up to them and don't take that on. And you can then sleep at night knowing like it's not you and you're actually being really respectful and you're setting boundaries and they're just not respecting them. Yes. Okay. Grief is next. We've got a good variety. So grief, someone wrote in saying grief has been in the forefront of my mind after losing my close childhood friend for 12 years. My question is when we experienced grief for the first time without a religion to lean on, how do you begin to find peace and move through the grieving process? This has been a heartbreaking experience and I feel that grief is not discussed enough.

It isn't because it makes a lot of people really uncomfortable and they don't know how to respond to it. And so what happens is people often avoid people that are grieving, which then makes them feel more alone. So I think number one, it's to take really good care of yourself and to, first of all, really know that no two people grieve the same way. Grieving is different for everyone. Yes, there are those five stages, but often people ping pong and they don't go in order and then you're done. People ping pong back and forth and people can stay in one for years and then go to another one. And I think it's also just acknowledging the reality of like, this is a really tragic experience to go through. And so it's natural that you feel this way,

depending on the person, the best ways to deal with grief are really to like, first of all, I think figuring out how to keep that person alive in your life and how to honor them, even if it's just, you know, just something small where like I carry something, my mom passed away when I was in high school and I carry something of hers in my purse every day. And, you know, so I'm able to think about her every time I open my wallet and I see like an old picture of her, her and I together. So finding a way to memorialize that person, I think is really important and keep them alive in your life, which often includes talking about them. I think the other thing that's really important is to correct the people around you if they're saying things that aren't helpful. So if people are saying things like, she's in a better place, or it's been this much

time, like, why aren't you over it yet? Or, you know, well, there's a reason for everything. I give people who are grieving so much permission to say, that is so not helpful. Here is what I need from you. Because those types of comments are incredibly invalidating to people going through grief. And so asking for what you need from people is also okay, which sometimes it might just be like, I want to be alone. Or it might be like, hey, I need company, come watch a movie, or I need to talk about my best friend with someone else who knew her.

So I think it's also again, talking about like, realizing what your limits are, and then being able to ask for what you need from the people around you. And I don't think you have to have a religion to get through it. Thank you for sharing. Cause I know we did talk about that last episode with your mom and it's really helpful sometimes when you, yeah, when anyone gives advice or is trying to be there, I love how you say like, if people are actually saying something that's not helpful, you can be in a position to let them know. Because most of the time I would say people

aren't trying to be an asshole. They're actually trying to comfort you. They just don't know what to say. And so it actually could be helpful for you to be vocal in those moments. I think that's amazing advice. That's really, really helpful. Okay. This one is, I feel like it's a lot for women because I find myself doing it. And I feel like every woman at one point, and I'm sure men do too, but women more, someone wrote in saying, how do I stop comparing myself to everyone else in the room? For example, if I'm sitting in a room hanging out with my friends, I'm constantly comparing myself to every person about every single little thing possible. It's the reason I end up drinking more than I want to, or don't even go and enjoy social

situations in the first place. I just wish I was more confident when I go out. How do I change this mindset? Yeah. Um, okay. So number one, I think that if you wanted to get therapy around this, like cognitive behavioral therapy helps that because you want to start doing exposures and social situations to things like that. But in a broader sense, I feel like mindfulness skills really help. So if I'm in a situation where I'm at a party and I'm looking around and like, oh my God, she, she has a nicer person than me, or that person's so much skinnier. This person's so much prettier.

Like I'm that person has such an outgoing personality. I think if you first have the awareness that you're thinking those things, then you have the opportunity to change it. Right. And so you might have to, what I suggest to people a lot is turning the mind back to the present. So that involves like, okay, I realize I'm comparing myself to everyone. And so, okay, I'm in the room, I'm sitting in my chair, it's cool in here. I'm next to my friend. I have a cold drink in my hand, and just reorienting yourself to the present and figuring how to participate, right? So look, the compare and despair syndrome, that's what I call it, is sort of like everybody

does that. But again, we're trying not to make things worse. So if you can be mindful and practice turning the mind, turning the mind, turning the mind, and also reminding yourself that like everyone else in the room is doing that too. Yes. Yes. Because they just are, because that's how everyone is. No one, even the most fabulous person in the room is looking around thinking that there's someone better than them. Everyone else is doing it. Also, I sometimes think about whenever I get home, I'm going to be so pissed that I spent the whole freaking time looking at how I'm comparing myself to this person.

So it's like, you know, you're doing it. So almost acknowledging like, oh, here I go again. And I also think if you have a friend with you, right, maybe it's just like, okay, I'm in this party, but I feel safe with this person. So I'm going to participate fully in this conversation with this person that I love and that I'm sitting here with. So I think it's observing what's going on, describing to yourself how you feel, and then figuring out how to participate in the moment to get you out of that. And then

to continue to turn the mind over and over. These are good. These are good. Okay. So someone wrote in, I need some advice on how to deal with anxiety within a relationship. Will I always feel anxious that my partner is cheating on me? I'm tired of not being able to trust my partner fully because of my anxiety. Thousands of thoughts come across my mind every day that he is out with some girl or he's talking to someone. It's caused me to check his phone on a daily basis and I haven't found anything suspicious yet. I hate this feeling. My anxiety just drags me down these dark holes. How do I stop? Oh, shit. Okay. So what you're describing is attachment trauma. That's what it sounds like. So, I mean, obviously therapy is really good for that and figuring out where that comes from and

how you can increase levels of trust. Again, I mean, look, like if you're in a relationship where you're feeling like you have to check in a relationship where you're feeling like you have to check someone's phone and you're feeling like they're cheating on you constantly, but you have zero evidence, well, like there's your answer right there. And like often what we say to people is like, where's your evidence and where are the facts? And by that, I mean, like, can you prove it with your five senses? Did he tell you he has a girlfriend? Did you see a picture of him with someone else?

Like, did you smell her perfume in the room? Like, you know, can you actually prove this? And if you can't, then you don't engage in emotion-driven behaviors because that's what that is. That's an emotion action urge of like, I'm anxious. I need to check the phone to decrease my anxiety and realize that like there's nothing happening. The problem with that is the reason it becomes a habit is because then we're dependent on the checking and the emotion driven behavior to reduce anxiety.

So the answer is you need to learn how to tolerate your anxiety without invading someone else's privacy and acting out in ways that will actually destroy your relationship, which means in the beginning, your anxiety is going to skyrocket. But as you make it through each day and you don't check the phone or you don't stalk on Instagram, or you don't text a thousand times, or you don't engage in these like emotion-driven urges, what you do is you sort of build mastery over like, I got through it yesterday. I can do it again today. Or I got through it, you know what, last week when I had these urges, I was able to avoid doing it for two hours. So today I'm going to try three hours. That's great advice. Okay. Someone said, so I've been single

for the past few years and I've really committed to not settling and instead waiting until I found the right person while in this long single phase of life, how do I find fulfillment without companionship, which is normal for all humans to want? Oh my gosh. There's so many ways. Take me back to being single from a married person. I mean, my poor husband, I love you, but like, oh my gosh, like enjoy your friends, like travel, find hobbies. Like actually it's going to help you so much to like have these experiences before you settle down and find your life partner.

You know, don't rush into that. I just feel like people who are single, like, and the idea that being single, you're somehow missing out on something or you're somehow like, not like, I don't know, like you're not like a chosen one or you're not, it's like, it's so false. There's something so empowering. I think, especially for women now in their twenties and thirties to be single and do what they want and hang out with their friends and travel and like, go take a ballet class if they want to, or go learn a language. I mean, I feel like the possibilities are endless. I would be, I mean, I'm excited for you. I think you're like, you just reminded me. I want to be single again.

I love that advice. Now I'm convincing myself. Let's all be single again. You know, I didn't get married till I was 38 and I didn't meet my husband until I was 34. And I remember watching everyone pair up and people were getting married and engaged and having babies. And it was painful. And now looking back, it was the best thing I could have done was like not settle, do my work in therapy, like really create like strong connections to my girlfriends, my guy friends, my family, get all the things out of the way that I wanted to do. And then whether you're 27 or you're 47, like when you meet that person, as long as you're secure in yourself and you've done the work on yourself and you're okay being alone, then you're set for being in a relationship because in a relationship, there are times when

you do feel alone and you need to be prepared to take care of yourself. Right. And you have that background where you can do it. How did you personally kind of navigate those feelings of like inadequacy when you're looking and you're comparing yourself to those people that you look at like moving forward? I mean, I think I remember it being really painful because I think at the end of the day, like I really wanted to get married and find a partner and I wanted to have a baby. And I remember just that clock like tick, tick, tick, tick. But I also, I doubled down in therapy and I stopped dating really toxic people at a certain point in my thirties. And I also became really upfront.

Like I remember with my husband, when we were first dating by the third date, it was, I just got tired of playing games. And so I was like, look, I want to be married and have a baby. If you don't want that, let's not even go out again. You know? And I mean, I remember him just kind of being like, whoa, but you know, it turned out he was the right guy. Cause he was like, okay, well I want those things too. And I think that's like kind of the beauty of being older and knowing what you want is it was like,

I just didn't have to gameplay anymore. And I think the other thing to remember is marriage and partnership and babies and all those things can be done in many different ways. And also they're not the key to happiness. They just aren't, you know, and it's really easy for people on the other side to say that, but they're really, really hard. And there's a lot of ways to be a parent and there's a lot of ways to be in partnerships. Okay. That was very helpful. Okay. So someone wrote in and said, what are some signs of verbal abuse? Sometimes my boyfriend says pretty nasty things to me. What is the line between just being an asshole and being verbally abusive? Character assassination, I think. I think, look, I mean,

everyone's going to say things they regret at times, right? I mean, ask my poor husband. But I also think, I have this kind of theory of like the 90-10 rule. If like 90% of the time it's good and 10% of the time it's hard, then I feel like things are at a pretty like okay ratio. And I think the line is different for each person. It's subjective. But for me, I feel like name calling, like bitch, like, you know, the C word. I'm not a prude, but I don't want to say that on your show. No, it's okay.

It's okay. I mean, attacking people's characters, you know, right? Like I think pummeling someone, continuing to like browbeat someone when they're already upset, you know, I think verbal abuse is anything that leaves you with a negative belief about yourself or the world around you. And so if someone is consistently making you feel like I'm a loser, I have nothing to offer. Like they're critiquing my body. Like they're calling me a bitch. I mean, yeah, that's emotional abuse. That's verbal abuse. And so it's really about how it's affecting you. And also like, where are your standards? And I mean, you have to, again, it's about setting your limits. Like

someone can be angry and not respond to their anger by unloading on you and calling you a bitch or a cunt, right? I mean, I think like that's pretty unacceptable and it depends on what the situation is, but there are ways to fight with people and remember that you care about them. And so sometimes it's about saying to someone, hey, when we had a fight the other day and you went there, I'm not comfortable with that. It can't happen again. And, you know, the other thing about verbal abuse that I think is just as dangerous as physical abuse is that, you know, when somebody sort of verbally vomits all over you and they get it out of their system, oftentimes they're sort of like, oh, okay, I feel so much better. I got it. And then it's almost like you're

the person who just got vomited on. And three days later, you're still like smelling the vomit in your hair. It's a gross metaphor, but. It's true. It takes a lot longer to come back down to baseline and forget those really horrible things someone said to you. And I think if you can communicate to your partner, and they're open to understanding that, like the way that this affects me is not going to like bring us closer together, it actually makes me afraid, or it actually makes me feel bad about myself, then you have something to work with. If your partner is not receptive to that, then I think that's a whole other problem. That was really well said because I feel like sometimes, yeah, when she had said like,

or is he just an asshole? Like that differentiation is very helpful of realizing like if it's character assassination and they're coming at you and you're left feeling like shit about yourself, then you kind of have your answer. That was really, really helpful. Okay. I cheated on my then fiance with a coworker. We are now two years into marriage and I have never told him I still feel guilty, ashamed, but don't know how to bring it up is the only way to deal with the guilt to confess the situation to him. No, I don't know. This might be controversial, but here is my opinion. If telling someone, if being honest with someone is only going to alleviate your guilt and is going to hurt them and destroy your relationship, that is not using honesty in

an effective or skillful way. I think it might be different for every person. Maybe some people would want to know, but if this happened two years ago and you're now in a happy marriage and you're devoted to your partner, why in the world would you, I mean, I just, I mean, I think there might be therapists that would say, yeah, rigorous honesty, you have to tell them. But to me, I just think like, why go like borrowing trouble? I mean, if think there might be therapists that would say, yeah, rigorous honesty, you have to tell them. But to me, I just think like, why go like borrowing trouble? I mean, if you feel guilty, there are other ways to atone for that. Make a living amends to them by being super loyal for the rest of your life or go to therapy and talk about other ways to assuage guilt.

But I feel like if the only thing that would come out of it is creating a bunch of problems in your marriage and then truly like really devastating your spouse. And then I don't think that's going to get rid of your guilt. I think your guilt would actually increase. I agree. I am on your side with this one because I think, I think I remember I had an episode with Esther Perel and she mentioned, it's like, you have to really look inward. Like, Hey, you got to recognize when you're saying you have this guilt,

you're just going to dump it on him. Like it's like, you're going to just tell him to make yourself feel better. And he's going to feel like, shit, I think you're so right. It's like assess where you're at. I would say if you're in a happy relationship and you're years in, and it's something you did in the past that, you know, you're not going to do again, work to absolve it on your, your own side and don't involve your partner. Cause that's just going to cause hurt. I'm on your side. I don't know. We may get shit on and people are like, I would want to know, but I don't, I don't, I don't know. I don't think I would not want to know. I wouldn't either. We let it go girls. Okay. Everyone's like, Oh God, you're condoning cheating. No, no, I'm not.

Yeah. I'm not condoning unloading your guilt on your partner. I appreciate that. It's not gonna make your relationship better. Totally. Okay. One of the last ones that I thought was really interesting. Someone wrote in and said, how do you know the difference between wanting the best for your partner and trying to help them grow or if you're just trying to change who they are my boyfriend and I are both 24 and have been together for four years and it's hard for me to tell if he just has some growing up to do or if I'm trying to change fundamentally who he is at his core and therefore we aren't a good fit together. I mean, ask him. What a novel, what an unusual thing. I mean, I think like, right, look, if you're trying to like

instill your own values and morals in someone, then you're trying to ultimately change who they are. My husband is a devout atheist. If I was trying to get him to engage in any sort of spiritual practice with me, that would be me trying to fundamentally change his values and morals. But I also think there can be some really wonderful things about being with someone really different from you. And so I think it's also learning to appreciate those things for someone who's 24. It's also like battened on the hatches because like when you're in a relationship in your twenties, anyone who's been through their twenties, you change so much. You grow like 10 years every year in your twenties, right? I mean, you look back at yourself from 30 and you're just like, who was that person at 22? I don't even know.

So it's like, you guys are both going to keep changing and all these really different and fundamental ways. And that's, you either grow together or you kind of grow apart. So I think the other thing to do is ask like, Hey, there's this thing about you. That's kind of, I don't know. It's just bothering me, but how do you feel about me wanting you to change this? Like, does this feel like something you're willing to change or does it feel like, no, like that's inherently a part of who I am. I'm not giving that up. Right. I mean, communicate. I think it's a hard one, but I think in your gut, sometimes you kind of know, like, and also let's ask how many things are you looking to change? You know what I mean? It's like, is it a lot of things that you're like,

where do I start? Right. Exactly. Or is it just like, okay, sometimes like, I don't like that. He stays out too late and gets really drunk. Like, and are they willing to fix it? Right. Exactly. Or is it just like, okay, sometimes like, I don't like that he stays out too late and gets really drunk. And are they willing to fix it? Right. I mean, I think a lot of it is like, you really can't change people unless they want to change. Right. I mean, anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows that you can ask for it, but you know, people aren't going to change their behavior. I'm a behaviorist, right? Like people don't change their behavior unless they want to. And so sometimes like one of the best supervisions I ever got when I was an intern and I was learning how to do couples therapy was my supervisor, Lorraine Rose at the time said, are you okay with who the person sitting next to you on the couch is right now? Because if you're not get out

of the relationship because they might never change. And so you really have to be willing to accept someone for what they are and know that you can ask for what you need, but they don't have to give it to you. And so you're right. If there's a list of 25 things you want your boyfriend to change, you probably need a new boyfriend. It's like two or three things like, oh, he leaves his dishes out. And like, sometimes he's like really like messy or like, sometimes he's rude to my friends. Well, those are kind of minor.

That's minor stuff that you can like, that's fixable. Or maybe you can figure out how to tolerate. I agree with you. That's really interesting. And I agreed with all the way back to what you said at the beginning of the answer, though, you were like, sometimes it's really good to be with someone that's different. Like you mentioned your husband, like, I know, I met my boyfriend, and I was like, we have a lot of things that we're not fully similar on. I found that I went into the relationship, not thinking I would change at all, but I've now merged into things that I didn't think I would because I actually realized, oh, I want to change a little bit because I appreciate the way he does things. And I appreciate, so it's like,

there's some good things that can come from partnership that you change together in a healthier way, but to try to change that person to fit the mold of the person that you want them to be is never going to work. It's literally just trying to make something fit. That was never meant to fit. And you're going to drive yourself insane and you're not going to be happy or filled. You'll be miserable. Yeah. You are our favorite Dr. Wallach. I can't thank you enough because sometimes people just need that like extra voice to just reassure and every single answer you just gave I felt like I learned something and I feel more assured that people are going to be able to move forward with these themes and like keep these you gave

such good one-liners in moments that I'm like oh that's anxiety that's grief like it's you're so helpful I really appreciate you oh thank you so much It's such a pleasure to be here always. And then like, yeah, if anybody wants to check us out, our Instagram is dbtspecialistLA and then our website's www.socaldbt.com. And we're always happy to answer any questions if you DM us. Okay. Well, thank you so much, Dr. Wallach. I can't thank you enough and we'll be seeing you soon.

Okay. Thank you.