Call Her Daddy - I Went to Couples Therapy (ft. Orna Guralnik)

Episode Date: June 5, 2024

Join Alex in the studio for an insightful interview with esteemed couples therapist, Dr. Orna Guralnik. Orna explains what to expect in couples therapy, when it’s the right time for you and your partner to go, and why there should be no shame in working on your relationship. They discuss how to have healthy disagreements, what a “lived in” relationship looks like, and how there’s usually more to an argument than meets the eye. Alex even opens up and reveals things about herself and her relationship that she’s never spoken about publicly before including her decision to go to couples therapy. Then, Orna gives some of her best tips for how to communicate your wants and needs in the bedroom and what role sex plays in a healthy relationship. Finally, they talk about the psychology behind why people are drawn to toxic relationships and ultimately stay in situations that don’t benefit them. Enjoy!

what is up daddy gang it is your founding father alex cooper with call her daddy dr orna goralnik welcome back to call her daddy i am in shock that it's been what i think it's three plus years right unbelievable i i sort of didn't feel like it was three years. It feels like a year and a half ago, right? Yeah, I guess it's also because like, we do stay connected. And we do communicate through email, which makes me so happy. But we haven't literally seen each other in three plus years, which is bananas to me. To anyone who is new here, Daddy Gang, Orna is a psychologist and psychoanalyst. And she is the star on the docu-series Couples Therapy, where you counsel real patients about their lives in their couple dynamic. And a new season is coming out.

Yes. And Matt is screwed because when a new season of couples therapy comes out, I go MIA. I sit in my room and I binge the entire thing in one sitting. So thank you. Okay. You have to explain to me how you process all of that information like in one binge. I think it's because I get so invested in these people's lives and I want to know like are they going to stay together?

Are they going to progress? Like what is the trauma that they're about to uncover? And like, I think it feels like the most real show I've ever watched. Like, you're so incredible at extracting information from people in a way that makes them feel comfortable. But also like you fall in love with these people, you know, and I love that we get to see their home life and we get to see them as like real humans. And it's not just this like fake facade of like a fun show to watch people talk about trauma. Yeah. So I'll be binging. I'm very, very curious to talk to you after you watch the show. on this show I have been so open about my therapy journey I've been open about having a psychologist as a mother and just like what that has allowed me to embrace in my life

maybe where people who were raised in a home that like weren't as open about therapy, it has more of like a negative connotation and stigma. But couples therapy, I feel like everyone now is like, oh, my gosh, get into therapy. It's the best thing. But couples therapy still has this negative connotation for couples. Why do you think there's such a big stigma around it? Well, I think first of all, there's this, I don't remember if we talked about it last time, but there's this like really intense firewall around couples in general.

Well, people do not like to share the fact that they're having struggles and trouble in their couple's relationship with other people. There's some need to kind of preserve a certain kind of facade of preserve a certain kind of, um, some kind of facade of what a couple is like, especially when people get married. Um, so in that sense, it's not only the couple's therapy, it's just the idea that couples are having trouble is very scary for people. They don't want to talk about it. They don't want to expose it. It's almost like

they're calling in bad spirits. If they talk about it. It's a good point. And I also think there's a fear of if you share too much in a vulnerable moment, then when the next day you're fine, and you're at the park and you're smiling you almost feel this shame of like oh I'm embarrassed and I feel like I can't recover from what I shared like I definitely had moments in the very beginning of my relationship with Matt where like I would share with a friend if we had a fight and then I felt a little awkward because I'm like well we're still together but like we worked through it and and then the friend is is almost like wanting to check in on you and you kind of don't want to keep bringing it up so it's like there's this like social element of you don't need to they don't see everything right and when you

share the bad they also don't want to leave that bad impression right and also you you're responsible you have another person's trust in your hand yeah Yeah. So talking about it, it's a little bit like, does your partner have the consent? If you have they given the consent? It's complicated. How does someone know if they should start couples therapy with their partner? Funny people ask me that. I'm not of the of the school that believes that everyone should be in couples therapy and it's always good. I don't think so. I think there's a certain kind of window in which couples therapy is a good idea. If you're in a relationship and you feel like there's a certain kind of pattern that feels destructive and not like not a growth pattern that keeps repeating.

And you and your partner are trying different ways to change it and nothing's changing you feel like you're kind of stuck and whatever you're doing is just either repetitive or making things worse that's a good time to bring in a third person and and try to get some perspective on it do you feel like if someone comes to you and is like i'm terrified he's gonna cheat and you're like well has he given you any reason that he's going to cheat? And she's like, no, but my past and whatever. Then it's like, would you ever be like, so you probably need to go to individual therapy? Right.

Okay. Yes. That's not a good idea to go to couples therapy in that moment. Before anything bad happens. Right. I mean, but people sometimes do that. It's like they think of it as like premarital counseling like tell me how to like avoid all the problems that life is going to present me with and it's like there's no way life's going to present you

with problems and patterns are going to emerge and you can't like protect yourself against it it's life it's like go in and live it and and when you need to get someone to help you. And then on the other end of things, if people wait too long, sometimes it's too late, really. I mean, it's a very sad thing. But you know, I see sometimes couple that come in after years and years of slogging it and kind of avoiding the problem or repeating issues. And by the time they come in there, there's just like not enough goodwill left in them, not enough love or not enough hope. And as much as they try, it's really hard to resurrect the relationship. So that's interesting. So that's kind of the window for me. Okay. What if someone's sitting here listening, Orna, and is like,

I want to go to couples therapy so badly, but my partner refuses and has no interest? Common. How do you deal with that? There's one thing, which is to get over the hump of starting therapy, which often one person is more resistant and more scared of doing that. And getting over that particular hump of just the beginning is not I don't think it's a big deal. I mean, I can tell people look just like, ask your partner, give it a try, or barter, you know, say something like, if you come with me to couples therapy, I'll offer this for you. I'll go your way in some other way. You know, we can go like, take that trip I've always refused to do,

or I don't know. Yeah. So getting people through the door is not that hard. But then it's the job of the therapist to make sure that both people feel like it's a safe place. It's a place where both of them can get something out of it. Because I think what often people are afraid of is that they're going to be dragged into a therapist's office, and they're going to be ganged up on, and everyone's going to try to force them to give up something that matters to them, to change in a way that they don't feel is right for them, or it's not going to be for them. And, you know, the job of the therapist is to make sure that you're really helping the couple, not one person. And I

think once two people feel like they're really being heard and that they both have something to gain from it, they're going to want to stay. Yeah. I think that's what is a huge misconception about couples therapy from the person that is not wanting to go and is kind of reluctant. Like, I think so many people are like I'm literally going to get attacked yeah and I guess there if you could like explain to people maybe that are listening like what can they expect in couples therapy because you're right I think people are terrified of it I think that the person that sets it up the other person is like oh there you guys have a plan and I'm not in on it and you guys are going to try to like push me into a corner like how would you explain it to someone

who has never done it but is a little trepidatious about going into it but is like or no what what am i going to walk into that's a really good question um i think what I would say to people is like, think about therapy, about couples therapy as a place where you have the chance to really imagine what you want out of the relationship, someone who can help you and your partner get to something that you actually want together. Meaning it's not a situation where anyone should feel cornered. I mean, there are moments when people are going to face difficult things about themselves and be asked to grow and expand and maybe give more than they're used to. But the ultimate idea is that you're there to gain. You're there to gain something that matters to you. And if that's not happening in therapy, you're not in the right place. I think that's incredible to hear, though, because I think anyone that hasn't been raised around therapy being a healthy happy positive thing it's a really intimidating experience to even conceptualize because you're

picturing someone staring at you judging you right and that is intimidating because vulnerability is intimidating in the first place and to have someone that's like a specialist i could see someone who's not aware of how a therapist actually acts towards you could be like oh this bitch is gonna fucking judge me and it's gonna tell me i have all this trauma and it's gonna be painful yes yeah and why are we opening all this up i'm fine right now yeah and it's like well you're fine until the next fight starts and then you go back to your patterns because of whatever happened in your childhood when you were in your home the way your parents treated you that you like it's all connected like why people don't go for example

to have a mammogram or a colonoscopy that they're both like afraid that it's going to be painful fear and they're afraid of like what they're going to find out. And that is not what happens in therapy. So true. It's, it should feel, I mean, it's not like, you know, Luna Park. It's not like fun, fun, but it should feel like an enriching, good experience of like being heard, understanding someone else kind of in a richer, deeper way. There's clarity. Yeah. And truth.

Yeah. So I'm curious I feel like a huge part of the show is people come to you and are trying to learn how to manage conflict I mean it's like that's every relationship how do we fight how do we communicate how are we going to handle these things what is the biggest mistake that you see people making when arguing with their partner? There's people, I don't know if to call it a mistake, but I think where conversations go wrong, where conflict goes wrong is first of all,

just on the simple level of agitation. Like again, like I was talking earlier about like a window, like a good window. There's a good window in which decent conversations can happen and that's when you're not either too upset or too activated or too wounded that you can't actually process and then the conversation is not a real conversation it's just like either a crying, screaming, whatever match. And on the other end, you can, people can feel so shut down or hopeless that they're not really engaging. There's a, they're withdrawing from the conversation. So, so the, the maybe the most basic thing for people for a good conversation for good conflict would be to make sure you're in the right zone.

You're not too shut down and you're not too over whatever, agitated. The other big kind of still tactical issue is, and this is, it might seem just tactical, but it's actually pretty deep. Are you noticing when you're busy trying to convince your partner of something? And when are you actually trying to understand them? Shots fired. Yeah. Right. It's huge.

It seems like it should be simple, right? Right. But it's huge. And I see it in my couples. I actually just had a session with a couple this morning where they kind of realized that difference and how it will change things if they really move into deep listening mode rather than convincing convincing right and it changes everything it does because it's like when you're in those moments you almost have blinders on where you're like i will get him to understand my point hell or high water yeah and he's on the other side being like i need her to understand what i'm saying and so you're just like hitting a wall and it's

bouncing back at you and you feel crazy and you're like no how don't you hear me like and then it's like if you can get to a better yes you're literally yeah nothing is penetrating yeah it's like and people get increasingly frustrated both sides get increasingly because it's not a conversation it's not it's funny I it reminds me of in the beginning stages of my relationship with Matt. It's so funny. I think I had like met him right around the time that we did. I can't wait to hear like the update on what happens. So it's so funny because we have we're both in personal therapy and I don't think I've ever even said this on the show. We went to couple

therapy and it was in the beginning of our relationship. I reached out to you. Do you remember this? Yeah. I reached out to you and I asked you, do you have a good couple therapist? I was like, wink, wink, want to do it? And you're like, Alex, that's a complete conflict. Right. Who did I send you to, by the way? You sent me to, oh my God, I'm going to have to find her name. She was incredible. Awesome. But she she was amazing and it was in the beginning stage daddy gang I never told you this Matt and I went to couples therapy and I remember in the beginning of talking about it with friends like I was like I would I don't want to talk about this on my show like people will think Matt and I have problems of course we had problems we were it's called life right it's a problem exactly always but we we had such

incredible conversations and not that we have to get too much into it but the what I remember from the main problem Matt and I were having was Matt was ready to settle down with me and I wanted to I really did but I was feeling like so my independence was being threatened. So if Matt was ever like, hey, if you're going out with your girlfriends, like just give me a text that you got home. And in my mind, I'm like, you're being controlling. And so I was pulling away because I thought that his actual genuine care of like wanting to build a life together and like be respectful and communicate from previous relationships, I felt like that was controlling and possessive. Yes. Yeah. And so we worked on it a lot in couples therapy where it's like, so Alex, like if you're busy with work and you haven't talked to Matt all

day, like, could you just send him a text? Because it's all coming from love. He just wants to make sure, should I go to a dinner with a friend or am I waiting for you to cook you a meal? And I'm like, oh, well, when you put it that way, I sound like an asshole. But it was difficult for me to conceptualize a life where I brought someone else in and had to think of them because I think as a woman, like my mom raised me as a very independent woman. I thought that partnering with a man meant I had to give up my independence. What I've realized is independence in that relationship now just looks like communicating and being respectful of the other person. And Matt, now I can go do whatever I want. And Matt trusts me.

But we needed to build that first core trust in order to have independence in the relationship. And to kind of borrow what you're describing to what I was saying. Yeah. It's like you have to, if you're just going to keep trying to explain, let's say, to Matt why it's bothersome to you, his ask, and you don't ever pause and say, wait, but how is he thinking about this? Forget about how I'm perceiving it. How is he perceiving it? What is the meaning of this text or phone call to him? If you don't ever do that, then you're, I mean, you're never going to resolve what could be a really simple issue. If you just listen. It's so true. And that's where I will say when I sat in couples therapy with him, all those weeks, we would leave and we would look at each other and

be like, Oh my god, like, god like I'm sorry like I can't believe that I yeah I remember one session I I was so adamant about like why does he need to like know where I am at all times and he's like I don't like think I need you to hear what I'm saying I'm genuinely trying to be respectful of our relationship to know like should I expect to see you tonight like that's all and I eventually recognized also he was in a position where he was like I know you're the one I also want to make sure like I'm not investing all my time in someone that I think for a while I was he was even questioning if I liked him at one point because I would pull away so hard when really it was just I was terrified I'd never met

someone incredible like that that I was like oh my god I have to make sure I'm still independent because what if what if it doesn't work out and so we were both just like yearning to connect which I bet is what you see all the time where it's like different versions of it but I think we did it for like two months and then we ended up being like okay we we had this one big problem and we solved it and then we were like okay i think we're good and now we're married wow it's crazy wow but it was a big i know i'm probably to people listening i know it probably sounds like oh he just wanted you to text it it was so much bigger than that and i'm not giving it justice but it was like this very big what is the thing like the pursuer and the withdrawer yeah it was that yeah he was like alex and i was like get away but i I was like, get away. But I was like, but I love you. And then he'd be like,

why are you treating like shit? I was like, I don't know. And it went on for a little bit there. And I'm so grateful that we had people in our life, like I could email you and be like, we need someone. Yeah. And it solved a lot of our problems. And I just want people to get more comfortable thinking about couples therapy in a way that you're right. If there's a friction in your relationship, it is pretty simple to solve when you have the right tools in front of you and someone sitting there just to facilitate it. What's also interesting about the way therapy works is that you don't have to solve every

problem. You solve one problem like what you're describing here, and I'm sure it has like many reverberations. You don't have to sit in therapy then to solve every other problem that comes up. You learn a certain kind of method that then generalizes. You're right. Like I remember one of the sessions we had, Matt and I were like, well, we were, you know, we were arguing about this because we couldn't figure out. And I remember she stopped us and she was like, were you drunk? And we were like, oh yeah, oh yeah, we were. And she was like, okay, I'm going to have you do this for the next two weeks. Anytime that you are both drinking, the minute a conversation,

you guys start to like friction a little bit,'re done save this for the morning that is now a rule that matt and i have continued for the past three and a half years whenever we're drinking if there's ever like a wait why did you say that like that we're like nope see you in the morning let's stop it and it has saved us so much of those headaches where it's like no one is thinking right when they're drunk and to have a comfort when you're drunk you're like full of projections it's when all the ghosts come out of the box it's like no you're not getting anywhere and you can't hear shit that they're saying right you're like la la la la it's like not a point can i just yes interrupt please i want to say something but i think one of the things that was like so incredible to me when we had that interview three years ago was your capacity to listen. It was really kind of extraordinary.

And I was like, you were so young. And I'm like, how? Wow. This is like you have a lot of your questions in mind. But then when I'm talking, you're truly listening. Thank you, Anna. Yeah. I appreciate that.

I definitely think it's – I have gotten better over the years. I think it's something that I recognize that when people give that to me, it makes me feel seen and I feel so much more connected with someone and I I think it's definitely allowed me to have deeper relationships in my life um because a lot of people are like oh I can tell you actually genuinely give a shit what I'm talking about and I think that's also why I love my job like but it's also I think it also has to do with just an honest curiosity yes like getting out of yourself and like actually being curious about stuff that's outside of you yes yeah someone asked me the other week they were like why do you do this and I was like I love it like I love sitting across from

you and next week it could be a rapper and I'm like yeah I love learning about other people because I don't want to just feel so sheltered in my little bubble and be like, let's talk about this this week. Like, people are fascinating. We all have different experiences. Like, it's incredible to come together and be like, I never saw it that way, but I respect it. And even if you don't move forward and take someone's like life lessons like I will always think about it I'm like oh that person saw it that way and I have respect for that on the show you say and this is kind of what we're talking about but I think this is like a huge thing for

my listeners that they always write in about you talk about how there is usually so much more to the fight than what the couple is actually specifically arguing about in that moment. How does one step back and see the bigger picture? Because it's difficult. Very. I think, you know, when it's in the heat of the moment, when the iron is hot, I think it's a lot to ask of people to really know always what's going on and what might be feeding the superficial fight. I think maybe a realistic thing to ask of people is to have a voice in there that says to one says to oneself,

I'm sure it's not only about this, there must be other things going on for me that I'm not exactly aware of right now. I'm gonna to, if I need to, if I feel like I'm getting too, you know, there could be signals that you're getting too heated about something that shouldn't be. And then you can say to yourself, maybe I should pause, think about it for a while and come back to the conversation, not in the heat of it. But just to maintain this kind of kernel of curiosity, I have an unconscious. There might be other things going on here. There are signals that you give yourself when you're like when you get too excited about something, too upset.

Like there's a feeling that you get when something else is going on. Yep. the show though when you have those moments with someone because again I think like sometimes in romantic relationships there's a dynamic that you're trying to sustain and like the ego does come into play sometimes and so I understand when I watch people on the show like one person doesn't want to give it up but then when you ask the brilliant question of like can we pause for a minute what do you think this out what else is this about for you like what happened like what was your relationship with your mother yeah and then all of a sudden the person goes down a spiral like well she never gave me attention and I was always fighting for attention for my mother and then all of a sudden before she even finishes the sentence

she's like oh I guess it's because she she never is looking at me in a way that I feel like I'm having to like ask her for attention like it's all these inner dynamics that we had growing up I know that when it's in the moment when you're when your partner triggers you let's say in the way your mom triggered you it's very hard in those moments to like step out and say, oh, it's my mother issues that are playing out right now because it feels so real and so intense in the moment. It's hard.

It's hard for people to do. Do you have any advice? Like how do we check in on ourselves and determine if we're picking a fight quite literally just for the thrill of conflict? Like I think people do love conflict. Yes. Give us some advice, Orna.

I like that you're saying that, the thrill of conflict, because I talk to people about that. Yeah. People don't usually like to acknowledge that. I think what I would say is, first of all, it's great to acknowledge that there is such a thing as the thrill of conflict. Okay. And I'm going to say something even slightly provocative. There's nothing bad with that. Okay.

Or not. I know. Like. Who is she? I know. I'm not like, I don't think like the, I mean, people are different in what they need in their relationship. But I think sometimes people who need to have fights or pick on each other or let out some steam through the relationship or, I think that's okay. I mean, it's relationships are not supposed to be this kind of hallmark, picture perfect, like sweetness thing, right? It's, it's a place where people live and discharge on each other and use each other. And in small ways, betray each other and recover. I think that's life. And I think for people not to be so hard on each other for using each other in that way,

for living in the relationship, it's just like, you know, I often talk about the fact that I don't use, like, I don't even use coasters on my furniture. I'm like, furniture is to be used. Like, leave a stain and cut through the board. And it's like, that's what it's here for. And relationships are like that, too. You want the relationship to be in a live place. I think where it gets problematic is if you're really hurting each other. And if there's something too pernicious about it or if like the thrill of injury is what takes over or of retaliation or injury that's when i'm like i

draw the line and i'm like no that is not you're not there to like um abuse each other and not every fight is an abuse that's a really great point because i think when couples say like oh we had a fight like most of the time you could also change it to like we had an argument or like we had a disagreement yeah and i think when you're right though like it it can be healthy to have fights because you're working through something but there is a difference between a fight and then something that is like, absolutely abusing the relationship and is getting you nowhere. And it's just to push and hurt. But I love what you said, though, about how there should be conflict and these relationships like we're living in them. I think we've watched growing up for decades and

decades. Like historically, when you think of romantic relationships, they're held on a different pedestal than every other relationship in our life. Like who the hell has a perfect relationship with their parents, with their siblings, with their friends? Like, of course, you're going to have conflict disagreements, growing pains with friends and family. Why do we think that that wouldn't also be true and present in romantic relationships? The person you're the closest to. Right.

Yeah. That you have to like live with and wake up with and like load the dishwasher with. Right. Right. And I think that's like it's it's helpful to talk about that to make people feel better of like, of course, no relationship is perfect. But when your primary dynamics were in the household you were growing up in, of course, families are going to fight. Now your new family that you're building, of course, there's going to be problems. But it's how do we actually like address the problems? Is it to be cutting and to go beneath the bell and to make the person feel bad? Or is it like you're gang out there that are like, don't call us out. Why do some people find toxic relationships so exciting and so addicting? Okay. Good question. how would we frame it um i mean the the more kind of classical psychoanalytic way to yeah think about like why people get pulled towards like abusive

and toxic relationships is that it's some form of what we call in jargon repetition compulsion okay where something is unresolved let's say a past dynamic is unresolved or past trauma or a way that you were treated in an earlier stage of your life is unresolved and unworked through and you're kind of looking for some way to repeat the same issue that you haven't resolved um whether it's to master it to to come out of it better or because there's just this kind of um compulsion to just repeat the same thing so that's one reason people get stuck on on toxic relationships but there are other ways to think about it like toxic relationships one of the things they do and toxic relationships i mean sometimes it's too wide a term i like i think maybe not i don't think we need to go as far as

like it's abusive it's just like this very unhealthy like this person is constantly playing games constantly like is there a version of like little gaslighting like it's not full-blown gaslighting like you know i mean yeah um it's you know i often try to like when i talk to people about like they're clinging on to relationships that are not good for them. shame about certain aspects of themselves they at times go for situations that reinforce that view of themselves interesting because as you were saying that I was having a moment where I was thinking about when I was in college I had been like super insecure when I was younger. And I would go for these men that like, it was like, I was trying to get the guy that was so unattainable. And when I would get him, I was like playing the game back. But there was a part of me that like enjoyed it because it felt like it was like validating to me like you got him like you did it. And it was almost like healing the wounds of me.

Feeling like no guy wanted me when I was younger. And like I would get picked on. And so when I would get these guys that was like the captain of the hockey team. It was like I almost was going for like in my brain accolades. Of like I want to get there to prove. It was more to prove to myself I can. I never felt fulfilled. I never felt happy. But it was like I was replaying. to myself I can. I never felt fulfilled. I never felt happy.

But it was like I was replaying, oh, if I was younger, these are things I wish I could have done. And then I got there. I'm like, well, this isn't fun. Right. Like I don't feel happy. I don't feel seen. But it was like an ego thing almost. Right.

And that is in a certain way you're trying to repair something. Yeah. is in a certain way you're trying to repair something yeah but sometimes it's i mean you can in a way flip it and you can see people who are not doing it to repair they're doing it actually to just keep telling themselves i suck i suck and what do you what is that mostly from childhood that it's a form i mean you can think of it as masochism but it's it's like um it's a it's being stuck on a certain kind of repeat it's um self-negating i mean people do all sorts of neurotic things that are bad for them yeah for i mean that's why we have psychoanalysis i mean yeah there are many ways that people do things that are bad for them have Have you found through psychoanalysis,

like any repeating pattern from childhood that would make someone constantly try to remind themselves of how they're not worthy, not good enough? Yes. Can you share just a couple examples? Well, the classic example, I mean, it's kind of an extreme example, but think of the classic pattern of people who've been, let's say, sexually abused as children. And then in teenage years, they're like, they enter like a series of like, abusive, promiscuous relationships that just make them feel like shit, because that's the only way they can, they know how to think of themselves. It's like an endless self punishing cycle. It's very, I mean, it's like a very particular kind of dynamic with people who've had like early abuse that it takes like deep work

to move out of that pattern but you know that's so helpful yeah i think because i think again why i appreciate these type of conversations in the show is like I think a lot of people who maybe have not even begun to like experience therapy or thought about it or just wasn't a part of their upbringing like that statement alone could would be crazy to people like hold on so someone that was abused is now going to go and like and put themselves in harm's way right and they'd be like wait what like I think they'd just never have sex for the rest of their life and they'd be shut down that's just not the case but i think these type of conversations help explain to people like the intricacy of trauma and how it unfolds in your adult life but i appreciate you sharing that because i'm sure i mean one in every what

three women like so many women listening to this show may be sitting there like, oh my God, Orna. Yeah. I think I'm doing that. And how do you even begin to like, what, just therapy and talking through it? I know the work of therapy. I mean, there are other ways that people deal with issues. But in psychoanalytic work, what we do is we is we I mean this is like yeah it's different with each person but you basically the idea is that you try to go back and revisit the actual

experience and help the person now with their more mature mind really tend to what happened to them, to the injuries, to what was missing, try to imagine how things could get better. Like you really try to tend to all the areas that were disavowed and neglected over the years and heal. And I understand why that sounds absolutely terrifying to people yeah like people with that type of trauma or any type of trauma you're like hold on orna i'm supposed to go back and relive it right are you crazy like i put it away i tucked it away right but i think what people realize when they come out on the other side of it is there's such power and resilience you feel within yourself when you can go back and you can start to take

control over your own life and not let this thing that happened to you yeah define you yeah because it does start to define you when you don't right address it it comes up in your romantic and your friendships and every part of your work life um and that's when it gets terrifying and people it's so important for people to feel like they're not, like you're saying, defined by bad things that happened to them in the past, that they have some freedom, some degrees of freedom out of that. Yeah. Back to couples, how big of a role does sex play in a healthy relationship? It's funny, I just saw something in the in the Times today that I haven't read yet, but about like, people that are talking about how sex is not that

important in their marriage. I think it varies a lot. I think not only is sex like a, you know, this kind of domain that could goes anywhere and people have like, all possible things in their mind and in their bodies and that can transpire between them and sex is like all possible things in their mind and in their bodies and that can transpire between them and sex is like a huge terrain but um the importance of sex and like what meaning people assign to sex in their relationship varies a lot um i think for some people, having an ongoing connection through the body, through sexuality, is incredibly grounding. And without that, they feel unmoored. And for other people, it's not like their main, it's not where they live. It's not where the essence of their life is. I mean, for some people, it might be like in the far out intellectual domain and the body is kind of a sort of byproduct that they tag along,

but they really live in their mind and they want to live there with their partner. It really varies a lot between people. Because I've had conversations with friends and I have a large spectrum, as you would expect. Like I have one friend that's like, my parents weren't overly affectionate. So I don't find myself like, I don't like need sex. I actually just like crave more conversation exactly whereas

I have other friends that are like oh I like the only way I know that we're like in a good place is if like we've gone too long without sex I'm like what's wrong with us like are we disconnected yeah and I though I'm curious if you have a couple where one is on one side of the spectrum and one is on the other, that then that's tough, right? It's tough. Definitely. It's tough. If people come into the relationship with very different, let's say, love languages or inclinations, that is tough. What's interesting is that couples might start off not that different from each other. I mean, one might be more physically affectionate or have like a stronger libido or like find sex is like where they express themselves and the other maybe a little less sometimes what happens and that is a problem is that people work out other tensions or difficulties through in that arena and then they polarize so explain that someone could i mean

the bedroom is often where people sadly work out other agendas so someone could be like mad at their partner for i don't, like not picking up the slack or taking care of the kid or whatever, and withhold sex. It's easy for them to withhold sex because that's not exactly their mode of operating. But for the other party, it might feel like the worst kind of punishment and like the most threatening thing to do and then and then you get into the dynamic of polarization so they may not have started so different but it's they're working out some other issue through in that domain and that is a problem well that's also a problem because the person that is not let's say as this is just i'm just throwing this out there sexual i'm that's

not the actual right term but if the person that's not as sexual in the relationship has the power right because they're holding the keys to the sexual relationship right and the person that wants it is then at times probably feeling like I'm such the pursuer constantly yeah I feel like I'm being rejected I feel like I'm not getting the love I want. Where the other person is like, all you care about is sex because you just keep coming to me for it. But then they're like, well, because you never come to me for it. And they're like, because you're always wanting it. It's like, how the hell do you like, how do you approach a conversation, I guess, when you're in these dynamics with these couples to like, bring them back to center.

There's no one size fits all. I mean, it really with each couple, it's a different thing. But what I find happens a lot in couples therapy is that you have to try to separate if people are trying to negotiate other issues, in a way to pull it out of the bedroom. Interesting. If you've got issues that you're working on, if you're resentful about other things, just try not for the bedroom to be the arena where you're like working it out. Unless it really is about the bedroom. Right. If you both have just complete different sex drives, like how do you approach a conversation with your partner if you are dissatisfied in the bedroom? How do we, because that's a tough conversation and can be awkward. you approach a conversation with your partner is if you are dissatisfied in the bedroom like how

do we because that's a tough conversation and can be awkward tough conversation and I would actually probably start off by assuming I mean unless it's a very verbal couple I would actually not start with language okay um a lot of sexual needs and differences. It's great to resolve. I mean, if you're going to try to work on it, to do it in real time through the body, like signal through the body, through nonverbal ways, what you want, what you need, experiment with things. And I guess it depends on the couple like what works for them working it out in real time or working it out like when you're not in the middle of a sexual encounter when vulnerabilities are high passion is high it's a tricky thing to use language in those moments

it's so tricky because i mean unless you're in deep deep therapy like you got to be very careful because you can completely shut down and like i agree to not like gender it but like it let's say it is the woman coming to the man like it can just make them feel so shut down where they're like how long have you been thinking about this you're dissatisfied they're feeling emasculated or roles reversed the man comes to you and you're feeling like oh my god have you not been enjoying the sex every time we're having sex who are you thinking of like sex is a very very vulnerable thing in a relationship and I think you're I never thought about it that way you're right it's like if you can address it first with your body like let's say the person is dissatisfied because ever I'm making this up like every time you're having

sex with your partner you're feeling like it's you're disconnected like you're having sex with your partner, you're feeling like it's you're disconnected, like you're having physical sex, but it just feels physical and there's no connection. OK, well, instead of saying that, like you're right on it, like maybe you're when is the last time in the morning? Are you hugging and kissing before you each leave for work or no, you're just kind of ships in the night and you see each other. And of course, when you're having sex, of course, it doesn't feel intimate and special. Are you hugging? Are you touching? Do you hold hands like you want more connection of intimacy when

you're having sex put intimacy throughout the rest of your relationship first before like you're right like lead with that and then all of a sudden do it while you're intimate while you're having sex i mean there are ways that people can increase that kind of intimate while you're having sex i mean there are ways that people can increase that kind of intimacy while they're having sex not through words right looking at each other kissing while you're having sex like maybe you guys never kissed while you're having sex that could feel a little like isolating where you're like this could be anyone so i love that advice because i do feel a lot of people write into me just like I literally don't know how to tell my partner like I'm not happy I think that's like a very non-daunting way to go about it it's like first just slowly trying to make those steps yourself within the relationship and you don't

have to have this big like blow-up conversation yeah why blow up at all I mean when we're talking about sex I mean there's the other thing, which is like, frame things as requests, as opposed to as complaints. I mean, that's always a good piece of advice, which is like, translate what's bothering you into a request into an ask, rather than a complaint. I mean, the outcome could be very different. Can you give us an example of like how it would be bad to say a verse, a good way to say it? Like, you never kiss me versus let's kiss. It sounds so simple, but it's so not that simple when you're in the moment and he's

like doing the dishes and you're like, OK, here I go. Here I go. Why don't you kiss me? Yeah when we have sex you never kiss me I don't know the last time that you've made out with me we're having sex and he's literally like mid-dish what happened what just happened and meanwhile it's like you also I think something I've learned in therapy a lot and we did it in couples therapy was like something that you have been holding on to that's why it's so good to not hold on to things for too long in a relationship because then you've had 19 conversations with yourself right and they have no idea you've been thinking this right so then when it comes out it can literally feel like a war and the person is like oh my god what is happening i thought our

sex life was right recently yeah so you're right it's like hey you know what i would love to make out when we're having sex i was thinking about that like i love making out with you why don't we do it when we have sex like making i wouldn't even say why don't oh don't say why don't nope let's let's shall we yeah shall we to the bedroom as opposed to why don't we but But it's, I love these conversations with you, Orna, because when we are going on our day-to-day lives, like it is hard to remember all these things. And sometimes it's good to just have these slow down conversations of like, all of us are the way we are because of everything that's come before us within our lives. And when you're standing across from your partner, it is not just the day we met on

our first date and forward. It's like, no, no, no. Life existed before this person. And what happened to you? I'm curious, like when we talk about past trauma, because I think this is something that's like a misconception. I think a lot of most people assume we're talking about extreme situations, which we can. Of course, we could do a whole episode on extreme situations like abuse but can you talk about other types of childhood dynamics that can impact us in adulthood yeah um of course i mean first of all there's you know what i mean i think it's's quite popular now to talk about like attachment styles. But the very first patterns of relatedness that we establish with the people that take care of us, often parents, not always, they will influence the rest of our lives. They will set the kind of expectations we have. For example,

a simple and very important thing, like, if you need something, and you make an ask to the world, will the world respond? Or not? Like you're saying, if you asked your parents when you were younger, for help on something, and before even ask for help, like your diaper was wet and you started crying. How long did it take for your parent to get there and change your diaper? If you were colicky and you had like incredible stomach aches, was it even possible to help you with it? Sometimes it's really difficult to help colicky babies. And they start off the world with some idea that when I'm in distress, the world can't always help me. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's like, it's really like basic stuff of like, what what to expect from like the world? Like, do I have that like incredible trust that when I'm in distress, help will come?

Those are really early things that get established. And they're not always because of neglect or abuse. Sometimes it's just like, again, I mean, you can be a colicky baby or you could have all sorts of ways that your system is dysregulated and it's very hard to take care of you as a baby and then you start off with a pattern of I don't know what to call it mistrust or some way that the call and response is yeah not established well but I think it's important to just like highlight that for a minute because I can imagine a lot of people listening are like oh I don't have trauma compared to my friend. Like my friend went through this or was abused when she was younger or did it. And like, I don't have trauma. It's like, everyone has something that we all are the way we are because of our upbringing. And I think that when we, instead of being like, well, my stuff is not as bad,

take care of yourself and also recognize like, hey, if you find yourself in a pattern in romantic relationships, we're like, why do I keep doing this? Oh, and it does kind of show up at work too. Like I'm always pulling away when someone's being nice to me. I can't take a compliment or I can't, like as simple as that. Where does that come from? And I think when we start to ask ourselves the questions, yes, it leads us down this like little dark path, but it's exciting to know that there is an answer.

And you can resolve it and the answer could be like really interesting actually to go down that path and try to figure out it's actually it's really interesting it is it's fascinating that's why i told you when i binge this show that's my answer when i binge couples therapy it's because why i love it and i can sit and i can handle it is like one because that's just how my mother raised me like let's talk for 19 hours and then some but it really comes down to like I'm fascinated by the human experience of like we all grow up and like what triggers did we experience to make us afraid of intimacy or overly intimate and overly trusting or reserved or outwardly like

very dramatic in moments and people see it as dramatic but really what is it is it a cry for attention because you like yeah it's interesting it's endless like i love it question i think is very interesting is i actually had this from a fan was which is where should someone draw the line between being supportive of their partner versus taking on way too much of their partner's trauma as their own? I think that the question itself is an important one. There's a difference between caring for another person and taking care of them and getting kind of enmeshed symbiotic lost in someone else which is not actually an act of care it's something else it's I guess what in lay language is called kind of codependency you know it makes me think a little bit about

raising children, doing everything for them is not always the best thing. Figure out like, what do they need for their own independence and development? When are you overdoing for your child because of your own issues? Like, you way, using your child to work through something versus seeing them for who they are. And when do they need a bit of support? And when do you need to step back and let them do their own thing? I mean, that's kind of a very good learning ground for this difference between like overdoing it and doing it right out of care um i think there are many reasons why people get codependent that are not about care for the other person share with me i mean you can come like a million reasons why like getting lost in someone else because you

don't want to face something in yourself you You're escaping like your own stuff, insecurities, all sorts of avoidance tactics. I think maybe what I'm trying to say is that it's important to try to ask yourself, am I getting super involved because I care for the well-being of this person? Or am I answering some need of mine here hard hard to decipher that's what I was gonna say because like is it is it fucked up to say like someone that has like secure attachment would probably never get themselves completely down a rabbit hole in that situation because they would be like hold on love you so much but like you need help and I can't get this you where maybe it immediately turns on a light so much but like you need help and I can't get this

you where maybe it immediately turns on a light for someone of like I'm needed I'm wanted they need me and then it becomes codependent because again back to the beginning of this episode it's just filling actually something within them to take care of that person and of course they think they love them and they're trying but it also is like completely filling their cup by being like they need me and I'm here and I'm the caretaker and I didn't have that when I was younger so now I'm going to take on that role like whatever it is that's a really great way of describing it yes but do you think it's almost like in a way also to help someone with that question is like is this too dramatic to be like, it's almost like when,

if you're dating someone that has a substance abuse problem, you literally are, cannot help that person to a certain extent. Of course you can drive them to rehab, but they have to walk in the doors. They have to participate in the healing and you're not a professional to help the healing. So when someone has this trauma, you can be there and cry with them and hold them but it only goes to a certain extent where you're then both being brought down and if anything you could be prohibiting them from actually seeking real help because there's this like codependency of like we're going to do this together right you can't you can't do that together i I agree. They need a you. Well, yeah. Or a me or an AA situation.

Yeah. More questions from our fans. What are some signs the relationship is moving too fast? You know, a relationship has ideally, I'm saying this and I'm immediately contradicting myself in my mind. But okay. Let me say the first thing. A relationship has typically like a developmental arc. It takes a lot of time to get to know another person.

I always feel like with my patients, it takes me two years to feel like I know this person. Really? Yeah. My God. I wonder how my therapist feels about me. How long have you been seeing them? two years yeah for sure i feel like there's a moment in which suddenly it's like oh all the pieces are coming together now i get this person it takes a long time to get to know a person um and i think the idea of like moving too fast is when you assume you know more than you do.

When you think you got it, you understood everything about them, you get it, they understood you and in a way you're blocking all the areas that create the discomfort of realizing I don't know that person, that person doesn't know me, which is scary. It's uncomfortable. It's scary. so that they don't sit through the discomfort of like otherness and unfamiliarity and awkwardness, which is part of getting to know a person. There's going to be a lot of awkwardness. So much awkwardness. Yeah. And I like that you're saying that because I have had women write in being like, Alex, I'm officially 30. I'm like, you're so young. Enjoy it. And it's like, no, no, no. I've got to find a husband. And I'm always so worried because it's like, listen, I think there's moments also where we completely project our wants onto someone and they could be literally

sitting at a dinner with you being like, yeah, so I have this trauma. And you're like, oh my God, you know where we should go this weekend? We should go to Cancun. And they're literally like, you're just putting on them what exactly you want. I want a husband. You look great. You played the part. And it's like, we sometimes just approach a relationship

based off of what we want from it and need from it. And we completely neglect the fact that the person across from us is like, I- Yes. A complete stranger. stranger yeah and it's like this honeymoon phase i think the honeymoon phase can be so tumultuous in the long run if you elongate it for too long and the honeymoon phase is on you to decide when it the bubble pops and

you're like so you actually who are literally. Like, tell me about your childhood. Like, what, what are you insecure about? Like, what is something that has been like one of the biggest hardships in your life? Like, it's daunting. But again, like you can hear an answer from someone and be like, oh, I don't want to be with you because of the way you're telling me you handled that with this. Oh my God. I couldn't relate to that at all. But sometimes people go. Sometimes people I mean, you've probably seen it. How long have you seen people go in a relationship where you can sit

down with them and they're married for like 30 years? And you're like, do you guys know each other? I know. I know. Like, how does that happen? It's actually shocking to me. It's shocking to me. Like, that's possible, right? Like, it's possible. I mean, it's shocking to me like that's possible right like it is possible i mean it's like people who like their spouse says i want to get divorced and i'll ask them like somebody can show up for therapy and say my my spouse wants to divorce me and i'm like what what have they been what have they been saying to you over the years that will help us understand and they're like i don't know what is that that is um self-absorption right because it's like how could you be in a relationship for that long and be completely blindsided right yeah i think that's where we decide as humans when we want to

block things off right or we want to let it in. Right. Because I empathize. Like, it's terrifying. Yeah. Sometimes you're like, I don't want to blow up my whole life. I like this little bubble I've created. Right.

But that is terrifying for someone to be like, I don't know why we're getting a divorce. Yeah. Yes, you do. You're like, sit on my couch for five more hours. We'll get to the bottom. Yeah. And often what happens in therapy is the person who supposedly didn't know had a whole other part of themselves that did know. And that part is dissociated. It's that's really interesting. How long does it usually take in therapy to come out?

A while. Really? A while. a while I and I think as we're wrapping up oh my god I sound like a therapist as we're wrapping up you're like sobbing I have done that with my therapist sometimes she's like and we're wrapping up Alex I'm like wait my life's in shambles I appreciate you walking us through that though at the end there because I feel like the whole thesis of this episode is like truly trying to dive underneath all these decisions that we are taking on our day to day just at face value oh he treated me like shit oh she did this oh shit why yeah there's always an answer sometimes we don't want to know it but it can give you a lot of peace when you do get underneath it and you

know it thank you so much this relationship that we have makes me so happy i oh it does okay i don't know you i'm like emailing you like hi hi, Orna. No, I have like a deep, great fondness for you. Orna, don't make me cry. No, it's... No, I really appreciate you and everything you do. And I think this show is truly revolutionary. We don't get to see therapy working from a start to finish moment. And obviously, I know it's not finished, but we don't get to see the like breaking down of humans and like watching these inner dynamics come from beginning to wherever they're left, whether it's breaking up or staying together.

And so I think what you guys are doing is amazing and I'm addicted. So I'll be watching. Thank you. Bye.