Call Her Daddy - Infiltrating His Friend Group

Episode Date: June 23, 2021

This week, Father Cooper takes you on her (mental) journey as she tries to figure out how she will get herself to the one and only…Kentucky. After narrowly escaping death, she takes a moment to reflect upon this upcoming season and how she can ensure the daddy gang continues to ~vibe~ in Dunkin Donuts. In a teaching moment, she recounts an old NYC tale involving everyone’s favorite rapper (or baseball player?) …Slim Shady sit down. After listening to this episode, friend groups across the county are sure to be infiltrated. Don’t worry you greedy whores, you are going to France this week, and it is quite a ride. ENJOY DADDIES.

Hello, Daddy Gang. Before we get into this episode, I want to remind you that on July 21st, the only place that you will be able to listen to this podcast, Call Her Daddy, is on Spotify. So if you are someone that doesn't listen on Spotify right now, take a minute, download the Spotify app. If you already have it that's great go on to spotify type in call her daddy and press the follow button that's the same as subscribe follow turn on notifications and then moving forward every single wednesday that is where you will listen to your favorite fucking podcast that is where you will masturbate and that is where you will feel happy. Okay. Only on Spotify. And let me be very clear. It is free. It's free. It's free. I

don't know why. If you thought you had to pay for it, you don't. It's free. It's free. It's free. You do not need premium. You don't need shit. You just need the app and you can listen to call her daddy. Join the fucking orgy bitches. Spotify starting July 21st is the app and you can listen to Call Her Daddy. Join the fucking orgy, bitches. Spotify, starting July 21st, is the only place you can listen to this podcast. Right now, I'm having it be everywhere so you guys can slowly transition. Again, no dad left behind. Go to Spotify, press follow, and let's begin the best year of the Daddy Gang. I love you all. What is up, Daddy Gang?

It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Test 1-2. Test, test, 1-2. Test, test, 1-2. I want to put it on record right now that it is June 1st, okay, that I'm recording this. So I'm not sure what date it is now, but I'm recording this on June 1st.

And we'll get to why. But I'm pre-recording this. It's 1120 at night. I'm sitting here with a cock in my hand, cocktail in my hand. And I don't know if this is going to air. But I need to document what is fucking going on everyone listen up and close your eyes picture this I have to go to Louisville Kentucky or as I've been corrected Louisville I have a wedding to go to in Kentucky that I am so excited for. I'm going to be a bridesmaids.

I will be wearing royal blue. But the issue at hand today is that you cannot fly direct from Los Angeles, California to Kentucky unless, obviously, you fly private, which considering as I'm recording this, my new deal, I was happy to think about, Ooh, splurge, like let's get a private jet. But listen, I have put a lot of dicks in my mouth in my life, okay? And dick sucking, gluck glucking. I've gotten my way to the top. I've gotten my ass on boats. I've sucked my way across the country. I've sucked my way into baseball stadiums, hockey stadiums.

You name it, I've done it. But there is one thing that this mouth hasn't been able to get me and it is on to a private plane okay so fucking sue me but when I envision when I really sit here and I start to picture my first PJ experience over my dead fucking body? Am I going to lose my virginity? Guys, I'm a virgin. No. Am I going to pop my private plane cherry on a fucking solo mission to Kentucky? Go fuck yourself. Can you sympathize with me? You're all like, no, no, fuck off. Yes, you can. Why would I want to be taking self-timer on my lonesome with a fucking drinking hand like a loser? No, I picture my first PJ experience. I'm popping the shampers. I'm with my friends. I'm with my boyfriend. Lauren's bumping a playlist. Like that's how

it's going down. So sue me if I want to save myself for that perfect moment. So no PJ and I can't have a layover. I got to get there in time for the wedding. I gotta go direct. And the only flight of the day that is direct is welcome to Spirit Airlines, baby. First class. Just kidding. There's no fucking first class on Spirit Airlines. Daddy gang, I am going to this wedding and I have been sitting in my living room trying to figure out how to get to this goddamn fucking wedding that again, so excited for, but just the route to get there is a little bit difficult. The thing about Spirit Airlines is you can die on Spirit Airlines. And so I had my assistant call and basically this is the difference between $9,700 to fly private or $97 to fly Spirit Airlines. It is a no brainer.

We're going Spirit. I don't even think I get a carry on. I'm pretty sure I literally have to just wear the bridesmaid's dress on the plane. And you don't get a carry on. I think you just get one personal item, AKA I'll be carrying my like heels or my dog. And then I'll be taking my flip flops and that's it. This is my goodbye to you. This is my, this is my thank you daddy king for everything you've done. We just started this new deal. Thank to spotify for taking a risk on me thank you to everyone for listening i made it two episodes in and i'm fucking goner science big podcast deal dies This could in fact be the last time that you hear my voice.

Off I go. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit Airlines, amen. Good afternoon, passengers. This is the pre-boarding announcement for Flight 26C, Duke and Dougie. We are now inviting those passengers with small children to lock them into their cages. And any passengers requiring special assistance, go fuck yourself. Please drop yourself into the handcuffs provided because the moment that you bought this ticket on Expedia, you decided to put your life at risk.

And these handcuffs might help. Please write your final goodbyes to family and friends before turning off all personal electronics, including laptops and cell phones. Smoking is prohibited for the duration of this light, however. Edibles and pills are encouraged. Thank you for choosing Spirit Airlines. Good fucking luck. Our planes are made of plastic. In case of emergency, consider yourself deceased. What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. with call her daddy we made it baby i'm back for another episode of call her daddy yes in fact your daddy is alive i made it back from fucking kentucky but barely and i mean barely did I make it back. And I want to be very clear. Your father made a mockery, okay, of this family. I have never clapped my hands together when a plane has landed.

Or let me also be very clear. And I want to just clear my name and make it very clear. I've also never fucking clapped when like a movie has ended. Okay. But when that spirit flight landed, I stood up and gave a standing ovation. I was out there fucking hooting and hollering. People like, okay, fucking chill. I don't give a fuck. I was just happy to be alive. Okay. Aside from the bumpy, dumpy, rumpy fucking turbulence I experienced, the actual wedding was really fun. I'm so happy I got to go and I ended up flying home on Delta. So that was the comeback story of the century. Let's get into this episode. I'm feeling a little looser. I'm feeling honestly more confident knowing I made it out of that life

or death and I'm fucking walking on water now, baby. I want to make a point that I was thinking about the other day while I was masturbating. Think about this. The entire single father era began and ended during the pandemic. And now the new season is starting right when the world is getting back to normal. And in a weird way, I feel like it's kind of symbolic. I feel like the single father era began and it was like, I was so excited, excited obviously but also we're leaning into like uh it's a pandemic we're depressed this is so it was a lot about like touching people inappropriate no touching people and sharing lessons and I remember in the single father era at times I would be talking about such serious topics and then at times be like oh fuck oh shit this is a comedy

podcast Alex don't forget maybe add in a couple jokes a couple zingers around the depression but now I realized ironically I'm feeling pressure before I started this episode like what could I talk about that's like a deep serious topic And how do I make people cry this episode? And I realized, well, I don't think I need to do that. Like, I don't think that's the mood right now. No one wants to be fucking depressed. I can even feel it like in my therapy sessions. Like in the beginning of the pandemic, it was we're using almost the energy around us to get deep and then my last few therapy sessions

my therapist and I have been drinking on zoom I'm just kidding can you imagine we're like cheers no but we've been almost like happy and kind of like trying to just focus on the good so pump it up you little fucking debbie downers and let's have a good time this week okay so you all heard me last week and I said hot girl summer is now not only upon us it's here and the Dunkin Donuts man is inside of us okay you decided fuck the hot guy in line I want that Dunkin Donut dick inside of me. Use a condom. But other than that, girlfriend, keep calm and carry on. But I realize I'm thinking, OK, once you shoot your shot, once you lock in that big chunk of meat, I'm sure you're noticing that things are going down a little different this time okay and what I mean by that is during the pandemic you were sitting there and on your third date you're

going again for a sober fucking date to get fucking coffee and you want to die and the fourth date it's like let's move this thing along a little bit here we go let's go to fucking jamba juice and it's like when the fuck are we gonna incorporate alcohol and fucking into this and now that the world is opening back up that third date you're fucking and on that fourth date you're meeting the family unless you've already fucked dad, then you're pretending you're just meeting the fucking family and you know goddamn well his dad's dick was deep inside your fucking guts last night. Okay. Anyways, the point is you're absolutely also not meeting the fucking family. You're a whore. You're meeting the friends. You're meeting the friends. And let me be very clear, that has nothing to do with how much he

likes you. It's just because there is now so much weight on the social scene. Whoever you're hooking up with, let's be real, no one is looking for someone that they can hole up with and watch Netflix with anymore. Now, when you're about to start dating someone, you find a fucking hinge date, a bumble date, a riot date, whoever it is, you want to be with someone that's a good fucking time this summer. And that what? Gets along with your fucking friends. And I would go as far to say, if you start dating someone and you don't get along with their friends, you're expendable. They're fucking punting you out of there and they're bringing a new bitch in they're bringing a new dude in because it's more about vibing this

summer than holing the fuck up and fucking so daddies here we fucking go call her daddy 101 infiltrating his friend group it's a tale as old as time. And it really genuinely has such a warm place in my heart because I have infiltrated many friend groups. I have ruined many friend groups. No, I have infiltrated many and I'm going to get into those horror stories. But first, I want to once again hear from you. What is the biggest party foul that one can commit when infiltrating a friend group? The biggest party foul is definitely vomiting on one of the guys. Don't vomit. There's no need to down shot after shot. Don't get too drunk. It's not cute. Don't be the one to vomit. Getting too blacked out the first time

you go out. Do not over drink. Not being able to handle a mother effing shot. Do not over drink. Don't be that stupid bitch getting blacked out and falling in a bush. Party foul 101. Getting too drunk.

If only, if only young Alex, young Alex, Alex. If only, if only young Alex had the knowledge of the daddies. Daddy gang, I'm about to tell you a little story that I've never told before. Okay. And this story involves me, Slim Shady, a hot dog stand and infiltrating his friend group. I know new season here we fucking go same motherfuckers but this one this one is too good not to tell okay. I remember it was my I believe it was my sophomore summer in college going into my junior year okay and it's summer and I am now officially starting to talk to Slim Shady we've had a couple trips together but we are nothing but just fuck buddies

right now kind of edging towards getting exclusive but that is not the case yet and so I am sitting in my parents house in good old Pennsylvania with my bonnet on and I am mowing and I am mowing the lawn outside with my knee highs on and my daddy's calling me in to to shuck the corn and all of a sudden Slim Shady texts me and says hey this weekend for 4th of July come come into New York, stay with me, and I want you to meet my hometown friends. I could just smell it there. The tension grew. I was like, fuck, yes, let's go. And this is the thing. I had already met his teammates on that little old farm team that he played for. I'm sure all of you know it by now, but I already met his teammates, but I had never met all of his hometown friends. Okay. And all five of them were flying in from Dallas, Texas, and they would be hanging out with me and Slim Shady. And it would just be the

six of us. I was going to be the only girl and we would be raging our faces off on July 4th. Now, the thing is, is I remember being such a fucking, I was so psycho back then that I was classically starting to plan my plan of attack. That's literally how I lived my life. Everything had a purpose. And so I knew in this very moment, game plan, Alex, this is a huge opportunity for you. You are about to be the only girl. You're about to be meeting his hometown friends. You need to play this right. What do I mean by that? I need to go in there. I need to be the ultimate number one wing woman. I knew that these bastards were coming up from Dallas and every single one of them was single. Now listen, all of these men were pretty good looking except for one. There's always the one. I knew I was going to have a little bit more of a difficult time with the short, ugly one with like the little snaggle tooth

because I was like, all right, like I'm going to have to put a little extra work in to getting that one fucked. But the rest of them, this should be easy breezy. They're going to look at me and be like, damn, I want to go out with this girl every fucking night. She literally gets my dick wet. And that is my first bit of advice to anyone going to meet a friend group. Know what the people want. Okay. These men were fucking horny and they wanted to get their shit. And I knew exactly what they wanted. So I had my eye on the prize and it's pretty fucking pathetic looking back on it. I'm like, Oh my God. I remember sitting in my fucking bedroom, my childhood bedroom. And I'm going through and like picking out my outfits. I'm like, mom, do you think this polka dot dress will look, I'm going through and like picking out my outfits I'm like mom do you

think this polka dot dress will look I'm just kidding I was like hey mom does this thong and this crop top look good together she's like where are the pants I'm like there are none this weekend no but I remember planning my outfit carefully placing them into my roller bag and then carefully on top of them placing a ziplock bag filled with my clip-in extensions my mom drives me in her minivan to the New Jersey Trenton train station I kiss my mom goodbye and I say wish me luck mom I get onto the train and I put on my headphones and I start bumping I'm playing some type of fucking hype up music maybe it's I don't even know what I'm playing it's probably like get low flow right uh fucking cyclone and I am jamming and as I'm jamming I'm I'm clipping in my fucking extensions and I'm literally envisioning and manifesting how amazing this

weekend is about to be like so fucking loser but at the time girls listen this was a big one for big al we're trying to get that professional athlete dick and we know there's gonna be some fucking strategic steps we need to take to lock it in baby? I show up to his apartment and we all begin to drink. And I am fucking hanging with the boys. I am chugging back shots. I am like, I'm gonna take down an entire bottle of tequila. Finally, we leave for the club. We had gotten a table.

I love how I say we. I paid for the table. No, at that point, I'm broke as fuck. Slim Shady gets us a table at good old, good, good, sweet, sweet marquee i'm gonna name my first daughter marquee no marquee shout out i fucking hate you you're the bane of my existence um but at the time you were the love of my life there's been a lot of sweat tears vagina juice on the fucking floor of Marquee that I have endured since I was young, young thuggin' Alex in high school with my sister's fake ID.

Good memories. Anyway, so we get to Marquee, and I put the plan into motion. I am recognizing I'm at a table with fucking five dudes and myself. I am going out into the crowd. I'm talking to these hot girls. I'm like, oh, my God, you have to come to our table. I have literally so many the crowd. I'm talking to these hot girls. I'm like, oh my God, you have to come to our table. I have literally so many guys at my table, like come meet them. And I'm literally placing these men with these women and they are all

starting to fucking, it's all, the whole plan is starting to formulate. All of a sudden I have someone hit me on the back of my back, on the back of my back. And I turn around and there is this hot ass blonde chick standing behind me, looking like she's about to kill me. She begins to scream at me and goes, are you fucking him? Talking about Slim Shady. At this point, I'm trying to play it cool. A bitch can get nasty, but get nasty but i'm like all right here everybody's staring at me slim's looking at me the friends are looking at me no drama mama okay we we are cool calm and collective we are only bringing good fucking vibrations to the night we are not getting in a cat fight we're chill chill chill so i look at her and i say oh no we're just i'm just hanging the, I'm just hanging with all of them. No, no, no. She goes, oh really? Cause I used to fuck him.

I just kind of smile and wave. And I just kind of turn my back to her and make direct eye contact with Slim Shady. He beelines it over me like the little bitch he was. And he starts, oh my God, what did she say to you? What did you say? She's he's freaking out. He's trying to cover his ass. And I'm like, listen to me. Oh, my God, it is fine. Let's get another drink. About 15 minutes later, the nightclub hits that point where it's like anything goes. People are smoking. People are fucking. It's a perfect time to really get into it. And I'm sitting next to Slim Shady. And he proceeds to pass me a joint. And I take the joint. I put it to my lips.

And I take one big ass hit of this joint. And before I can even pass a joint to my right, the entire room begins to spin. Okay, here we go, Alex. Okay, fuck, fuck, fuck. Immediately my mind goes into panic mode. Nobody can know. I've been the cool girl this whole night. I need to play it cool. I'm killing it. They're loving me. This is exactly how I planned it. My plan is working. I am about to soil my own fucking plan. You idiot, Alex. I remember thinking you idiot. I beeline it for the bathroom. I don't even tell him where I'm going. I rush past the attendant holding out mints. I'm like, I'll do that in a minute, sweetheart. I beeline it into a stall, lock the door, and I collapse onto the nightclub restroom floor. And I lay my head onto the toilet seat and I begin to profusely vomit everywhere.

And then I black out. Fuck! Then I black out. Fuck. I wake up and a bouncer is banging on the fucking door telling me to get the fuck out. I see like 19 little legs around my fucking stall. People probably being like, some bitch is dead in there. And I'm like, oh, fuck me. God damn it. How long have I been out?

I open the door and the bouncer wraps his arm around my arm and goes you're fucking out of here baby in that moment I was like yeah honestly don't kick me out too honestly yeah let's go but under one condition my blackout ass somehow managed to remember in that moment it's time to negotiate with the bouncer because the table that Slim Shady had gotten, we were literally sitting right next to the entrance exit. So if this man is carrying me the fuck out, the whole crew is about to see. And again, mind you, they had no idea I was even that fucking drunk. Probably I was acting so fucking chilly willy.

Nobody had a fucking clue that Alex was ready to be fucking hospitalized. So I looked this bouncer dead in the eyes. And here's the thing. It's honestly so cute. Usually you name drop to get into a club. In this instance, I actually name dropped to get out of the fucking club. I look at this guy and I'm like, I am with blah, blah, blah, slim. He cannot see me like this. Please, for the love of God, take me out the

back door. And for whatever fucking reason, bouncer Bruno, I just happened to catch him on a good night. He's some, for some reason, this man just had a heart and was like fine he picks me up cradles me like a baby and takes me out the side door of marquee and tosses me into the new york night and i began to yet again game plan my head is like god damn it how am i gonna fucking explain this i'm gonna look like the biggest fucking loser like oh yeah i was vomiting in marqueia there's chunks of my insides on the fucking walls how do I explain this and as I'm going through and going through I make eye contact with a hot dog stand I look this man dead in the eyes realizing I left my purse inside I have no money and I begin to sob in front of this man, this man. And man, this is why I fucking

love New York. This man stares at me, not even phased and hands me a hot dog and says, have a good night, sweetheart. And I start to regain my strength. Okay. Now I got a fucking wiener in my mouth. Maybe not the one I wanted, but I'm fucking on the up and up now, baby. And I pull out my phone and all of a sudden I see 15 texts from Slim Shady. Alex, hello? Where are you? Where did you go? Hello? What the fuck? Did you leave? What the fuck? What happened? Are you mad at me? I'm getting concerned. Alex, I'm actually getting nervous. Where are you? as I'm finishing up reading his last text I hear Slim Shady's voice mind you I'm on the side hidden of marquee like the building I stand up and I peer my little fucking fat head around the corner and I see him at the front of the club talking to

two policemen. And I hear him saying, have you seen this girl? Like, it's showtime, baby. I take a deep breath. I take a little, little more nibble of the wiener. And I turn the corner. Slim. I wish I could say his name. It'd be better. Slim. Oh, my God. He turns. Face literally goes white. His mouth drops. He's like, what the fuck? I'm like, oh, my God. Hi. He runs over to me and is like, where the fuck have you been? What the fuck? We've all been nervous. We've all been freaking the fuck out nervous. Like, where did you go? Like, you completely disappeared. In that moment, a sign from God hits me in the head. Okay. And that sign from God was that hot ass blonde that I had previously that night

interacted with. And he had seen me interact with. And the lie begins to spin. I look at him and I say we I'm so confused I thought you left he goes what you thought what do you mean you thought it well Alex what the what I said slim I was in the bathroom and I ran into that girl that we had run into. I ran into her friend in the bathroom and she looked at me and she was like, oh, my God, you're so fucking pathetic. You do realize that Slim left the club with my friend. Like you're fucking pathetic. You're a loser. And so when she told me that, I was like, oh, shit, that sucks.

I have to regroup. I'm just going to go outside and get a snack and figure out the rest of my night his eyes kind of started to like blink a little bit he's like hold on you thought I left with another girl mind you all of your suitcase is at my house you're staying with me you thought I left with another girl and your response was to come outside for a hot dog I'm like here we go baby I look at him I'm like yeah I don't I mean we're not like dating or I mean like you're not my boyfriend yeah I get it like if you found someone that night like I totally get it like you found yours and I don't blame you and so I was just figuring out what my night was gonna be and I just had to like he he looks at me in a very twisted way I think one quite confused two he in that moment I see his eyes slowly start to fall in love this bitch thinks I left with another bitch and her fucking reaction is just chilling. Let's get a

fucking bite and figure out our next move. He grabbed my face, kissed me and said, please come back inside. I would never leave you. Alex, you're staying with me tonight. He grabs my hand and he walks me to the front of the club and what do you think is about to happen you can't make this up ready we're going up to the club and immediately as my eyes start to unfog from the throw-up chunks the man standing at the front of the club is now the bouncer that had just carried my limp body out the back door of the fucking club. I shit myself. Now I've done a double dipper. I've thrown up and now I'm fucking shitting my pants.

Fuck. We approach the front. We go to walk in and all of a sudden the bouncer's forearm extends in front of Slim Shady and he goes, fuck no, bro. No, no, no, bro, bro, bro, bro. She's not coming back in. She is not coming back in. Slim Shady is startled and quite confused. He's like, huh? What? huh what i'm excuse me i'm paying for a fucking table what do you mean by the grace of god and i don't know who was looking out for me in this moment but the manager who knew slim happens to be also outside at the time he looks at the bouncer bouncer bruno and goes yo br, you know who that is? Let him the fuck in. I kind of dagger eye look at the bouncer and give him a little smirk.

And Slim Shady and I trot our way right back into the club and it's as if nothing fucking changed and if anything this throw-up moment was fucking pivotal to the rest of the night because I was able to vomit I was now almost starting fresh and I go back to that table I rage my face off the rest of the night with the guys and it was a fucking success none of them ever found out none of them had any inclination they just thought I was the chill girl that took a fucking hot dog to the back of the throat because I thought that I got stranded in a nightclub with nowhere to fucking sleep that night yes I fucked myself in the asshole but I was able to make a comeback and the craziest thing is is that a couple that I set up that night is now to this day married okay now listen obviously the fucking story and where the trajectory of

me and Slim Shady's relationship went that's for another fucking time of course it got tumultuous in the beginning, it really played out perfectly. Okay, so first, let me just take a little swig of tequila. Okay, as I'm telling a story about being intoxicated, I must be intoxicated. The moral of that story was you're never too far fucking gone, i'm telling you a story about infiltrating friend group and although i did the number one cardinal fucking rule and got way too fucked up they never knew so the moral of the story is actually be so good at compulsive lying and just be able to rebound back all the time baby call her daddy her daddy style. No. But I remember I'm like, OK, don't over drink when whenever you're going to go meet someone's new friend group this summer. Please don't do that. And then there were a couple of things that I was thinking about that I actually

happened to do well that night that I want to share with you to remind you and to fucking unrustify your social capabilities when going out this summer. Okay. Number one, I dare you, I fucking dare you to latch. What? Latch? Alex, what? If you even try to talk to someone for more than five minutes this summer, you're a latcher. And what I mean by that is when you go into a new friend group, fucking picture it. You've been been there before there's a new person or not even a new person that corners you and talks your fucking ear off and you want to kill them and you never want to hang out with that person again do not be that person okay also on the concept of latching do not latch to the person that you came with the worst fucking scenario is the guy wakes up in the morning

and his group chat is sounding off and they're like, bro, where the fuck did you go last night? We didn't even fucking see you. Fuck Chelsea. She sucks. The goal is for them to be like, she's so hot. She's so fun. She was awesome. Bring her out again tonight. Do you see what I'm saying? Independence, self-reliant. You don't need babysitting and you don't need hand-holding. Another point that comes to mind, because listen, when I was at Marquee and I was staring at these men and these athletes, there was nothing, and I want to be very clear, there was nothing more that I wanted, Daddy Gang, than to take out my cell phone and to film every single man at that table and flex on everyone at college and show them all the dick that I was around. However, what I was also self-aware enough

to know was nobody hates something more than the paparazzi. Are you about to be the paparazzi this summer? Not if you listen to Call Her Daddy, Daddy Gang. If you are going into a new friend group, and also again, if you've been on the other side of it, everybody knows that one person. All of a sudden it's like the new person in the group is shoving a camera in your face. I will curb stomp a fucking bitch. Do not be that fucking loser. Okay. And listen, I get it. Okay.

And I've been there. I am no better. I was fucking awful. I used to want to document every single night of my life. If you are so trigger finger happy, fine. I will give you one pass you can go into the bathroom and take a fucking mirror selfie and that's it okay for the first couple times once you get close with this group fucking put that shit up their asshole okay but for now it's a mirror selfie or

like one picture of a drink and here's's another one that, you know, I think us women can really get roped into, wrapped into whatever the verbiage is. Under no circumstance, listen the fuck up to this one. This may be the most important. Under no circumstance are you allowed to engage in any shit talking oh you're no fucking fun this summer Alex no I don't give a fuck if these are your close-ass girls rip them apart baby but if you are trying to get into a new friend group and you engage I took I can already see it you're standing outside the bar you're puffing your jewel like a fucking loser and all of a sudden Stephanie comes up to you to you and she's like, hi, oh, wait, what's your name? And you're like, hi, I'm Eugene. And she's like, cool, whatever, Eugene. I am so fucking annoyed with Margaret. She's being the biggest fucking cunt. She's fucking saucing up all, saucing up. She's

saucing up all the boys in the bar and I am not having it tonight. And you know what, Eugene, that may be in your head a moment where you go, this is a point where I can connect. This is a point where I can make a friend. No, you don't make friends out of shit talking when you're not even a fucking part of the group. You need to avoid that because in the morning, I guarantee you, Stephanie and Margaret will reunite and they'll be like haha you were being a cunt last night but you know who's a bigger cunt that new bitch Eugene was low-key shitting on you Margaret like I can because I've seen the inside of your fucking pussy but not Eugene and then all of a sudden Eugene you're back in your fucking parrot's basement

eating your hair that is not the goal listen I really do understand how difficult it is stepping into a new friend group for the first time and only knowing one person back in New York I think I've talked about this before but like when I was seeing this guy on Raya I remember one of the first times that I met I went to meet his friend group that I was showing up alone and not with the guy I literally rolled up to brunch I walked to the table and there wasn't even a seat for me and I had no idea what to do in that moment I'm like uh and like everyone was already drunk so it was kind of like oh okay and I'm just standing there and moments like that like where you feel fucking awkward and uncomfortable as fuck and you want to

run for the hills they're gonna happen expect them to happen but they're not like life or fucking death what I did in that moment was I ended up going and grabbing a drink and then I walked up to someone sitting at the table one of the girls that I become friends with and I just stood there and started talking to her had her my hand on the back of her chair started talking and then slowly as we got more into conversation she was like wait oh my god let's find a chair what the fuck pull up a chair like let's find you one so I just waited in the awkwardness let myself marinated in it for a fucking hot second and then everything was fucking fine but I think being okay in the awkward moment to know you're gonna come out of it is

fucking key and better yet here you go if you're someone in the friend group and you see someone new joining in for the first time like I was pull up the fucking chair and ask the person their fucking name like we're talking about the new person going into the friend group what about just the fucking friend group I feel like this summer everybody needs to be a little bit more lenient like if you see someone that's new stuck in between awkward conversations and they like don't have anyone to talk about go up to them and initiate a conversation with the person like the person that's coming in knows that they're currently basically on an interview and they're trying to whip out their best fucking moves why don't you try to make them feel comfortable and welcome something noteworthy I found when going through the biggest party foul submissions when meeting

a new friend group most of the women submitted what seemed to be pretty an unhealthy obsession with their guy friends don't talk to my guy friends don't even think about like when you come in like don't talk my guy friends my guy friends to my guy friends, my guy friends, oh my guy friends, oh my guy friends, my fucking, oh my guy friends. Or dude, first of all, shut the fuck up. Every fucking chick being like, I don't like when a chick comes in and is like trying to fucking flirt with my guy friends. Um, number one, if you have a boyfriend and you're being so protective that a chick is coming in to talk to your guy friends, why? Are you unhappy in your relationship? Are you jealous that she's getting to flirt with your guy friends? Or if you're single and someone new is coming in to flirt with your guy friends, why are

you mad? Don't you want your guy friends to get their dick wet? What's wrong? Oh, are you insecure? Do you like one of your guy friends to get their dick wet what's wrong oh are you insecure do you like one of your guy friends well then maybe you should take her maybe you should take her fucking way of going about things and maybe you should go up and address your guy friend and go for it reevaluate yourself and stop projecting your insecurities onto other people that are just

trying to come in and make some fucking friends and have a good time because you're insecure or you're jealous. I would say all those submissions look inward. Why are you so territorial? Why is that bothering you? Says more about you than her. And maybe this is the solution. I'm going to leave you all with this. Food for thought. The biggest party foul you can commit when entering a new social group is double dipping. Where you're taking a chip you've already dipped and you're dipping again after biting it. Double dipping. This dude is worried about chip etiquette

and tainting the ranch. This is a concern that I can get behind. Stop worrying about your guy friends. Because guess what? They're not worried about you. Good night. There is a, there is a questions to, questions to. Ask me all your questions.

Ask me all your questions. I'll answer you. I'll answer you. Daddy gang. Motherfuckers. It's questions of the motherfucking white bible i'm back baby i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i had to fucking do it actually i'm not fucking sorry i just blessed your fucking ears i can suck dick but i can also fucking belt out a motherfucking two questions

here we go god god damn it sam you gotta fucking love it okay daddies here we go. God, God damn it, Sam. You gotta fucking love it. Okay, daddies, here we go. Hi, Father Cooper. So I ended on good terms with my ex about six months ago. We had just hit a standstill and it didn't really feel passionate anymore. It wasn't toxic. No one cheated. We just hit a rut and wanted to see how spending time apart felt that is so fucking mature already i'm like oh my god wish i could take a page out of your book we used to live together in nyc nice building with rooftop and a doorman r.i.p i kind of miss it oh sweetheart did he get to keep it where did you go go? But now I have my own place. Independent woman. Okay, here we go. NYC can be pretty small at times and we ironically live half a mile away

from each other. I'm starting to miss him and want to reach back out, but I have obviously no idea where his head is at and I don't want to involve any of our mutual friends. Suggestions. Well, my first bit of advice is, sweetie, now, do you miss him or do you miss the rooftop and the doorman? Okay. Cause those are two very different things. So definitely get in touch with those inner, um, surface level needs because it's totally fine. I know I do it all the time. Do I like him or do I just like his money? That's really what you got to gauge. If it is that you miss him or you do miss the rooftop, who gives a fuck? Let me think about this. How do you reach out without finding out? Like, so you're basically trying to gauge it. Actually. Okay, here we go go I never did this to Slim Shady but now that I'm thinking about it if I had wanted to test the waters because I too girlfriend got thrown out of the rooftop

and the doorman building so and I was in a shithole with just a mattress and no heat in the fucking winter of New York City. This is what I would have done if I really wanted to test those waters. I probably would have taken advantage of the fact that we had lived together and you should do the same. And so at one point, all of your packages were going to his address, right? Do you see where I'm going with this? You're going to his address right do you see where I'm going with this you're gonna order something that you really don't care about not too pricey fucking socks okay and the key here is you are ordering these socks to your old apartment okay and so there are three options that come to mind. Number one, he says, fuck you. He doesn't even tell you the package was delivered. That gives you the signal. Oh,

okay. So Chris wants me dead. Option two, he gets the package and he says, hey, I think you, I think you accidentally had something delivered here I'll leave it with the doorman that's uh we're on good terms um but good and that's just where we leave it at good I don't want to fucking see your face but cordial and option three he says hey I think you accidentally had something delivered here. Why don't you come up and get it? Those are three options you can literally gauge by sending a package to your old apartment. Honestly, fucking kudos to you, Alex. It was pretty fucking brilliant. I'm actually going to just start doing that to all my ex-boyfriends and see if any of even if they live in different states different countries I'm like Amazon Alex Cooper will they reach out why can I see all of them sending me

either a video or a picture of uh those socks burning in the fire they're like fuck off you triggered me by just seeing your fucking name all right anyways um miss you babes love you all okay next one is it weird if my boyfriend also likes my vibrator sweetie sweetie sweetie maybe it's one thing if you walk in and your boyfriend has your vibrator shoved so far up his asshole that it's an emergency and you kind of take him to the hospital. But he's like, baby, you're like, oh my God, I'm so sorry that you were having anal play by yourself. And I just walked in. Um, no, actually my boyfriend and I had started, it was interesting. We started using, when we use my vibrators, we started almost using ones that would be accessible almost to kind of like also hitting him and I think it's like my favorite one now I have one I can post it on my

Instagram if you guys DM me and remind me it's literally a um it looks like a it kind of looks like a pregnancy stick now that I'm thinking about it's like a flat long stick looking thing and it vibrates on both ends and also through the middle and you can fold it up so it can like literally go from balls in his dick and he can kind of feel that um that vibe ration you feel me on it so one of the positions it's really good like obviously you can do be be doing missionary but one of the positions I love to do is have him sitting on the bed like the edge of the bed and you you are you ready you better get ready to do your fucking splits girlfriend what you're gonna do is you're gonna take your one leg and you're gonna put it up on the bed and then keep your other one down on the floor so you're almost like lunging onto the

mattress everybody practice go to your beds okay and one two three four and up and lunge and up and lunge okay but you're up and lunge and you're on the dick. So you almost like plop down on the dick. You're lunging. Your leg is going to be like lunged up right next to his body. And you can start rocking back and forth on his dick while you're standing and lunging onto his dick. And if you have that vibrator in you, it's going to be grinding on your clit and it's going to be grinding like in his dick. I mean, it's a perfect opportunity. Okay. Hi, Father Cooper. Could you talk about watching porn as foreplay? My boyfriend and I have tried it a little bit, but we kind of get awkward and

just sit there and watch it. You just sit there and watch it. Come on. You need to go back to episode one. I don't know where it got lost in translation. To be honest, I feel like I've talked about this before. You don't pop the popcorn, get the fucking Cheetos, pop into your fucking cozy couch, comfy couch, and just turn on on go from the fucking football channel to put on porn and be like can you pass the popcorn oh look at that position like no the point is is you're using it for foreplay but like as you're doing foreplay like you're not waiting for the cinematic experience to end to then begin the sex you are immediately turn on the porn and then as it's starting you should literally be making out and like fingering and like sucking his dick and

like all the things and then the goal is to almost it's more so for you to one have the noise in the background so it really feels like you're like having a fucking orgy in your room and then two you can choose positions like say either one you're like let's do doggy and as we're doing doggy let's face the tv or the computer so we can watch it together or if you guys look and you're like oh my god look what they're doing let's do exactly what they're doing so it could be used to like mimic which is fucking hot like you see him eating her out and then you're like oh my god baby like come down and eat me out or it's a certain position that you're like whoa the acrobatics in the porn today let's give this one a go so to confirm no don't just fucking pop a squat and take notes there

are no notes happening you're fully having sex while the porn's on okay hello father cooper Okay. Hello, Father Cooper. I'm trying to build my roster for the summer season, but sometimes I get bad ho anxiety after sleeping with my two regs in the same week. SOS, Daddy. I think that's totally acceptable or like understandable. I think I, number one, could totally feel, I would feel similar to you. I know what you're saying. I think I, number one, could totally feel, I would feel similar to you. I know what you're saying. It's like, it's not that you're being a hoe. It's just, it is a lot to have two dicks in your life in general, but to have two dicks in one week, you're having different type of sex with this person. You have a different energy and vibe, obviously, with both

different guys. So I get what you're saying. I don't want you to feel like a hoe. I would just want you to get a little bit more strategic about it. So my advice would be alternate week by week, which one of them gets to get their dick wet. So like, for example, if one of them, you want to make sure that every time you're hanging out with that one, you are doing it in a public setting that week. So avoid having them over for Netflix and chill and be like, hey, like, let's go meet at a bar. Or like maybe you go out on a Saturday night with all your friends and he meets you. But then you like Irish fuck you Irish fucking exit and don't let him go home with you and fuck. And then the other one have him come over for Netflix and chill.

So it's like an almost a nice little alternate moment. And it also kind of could give you a good opportunity to feel out. Oh, do you like one more than the other? Like maybe you are out in public and you're like, fuck, I kind of want to take him home. So maybe then you ditch the fucking other one that you plan to have over for Netflix and chill. I think it's just a balancing act. And I think there's nothing wrong with having multiple people on your roster, but I am not going to be an asshole and be like, sweetie, it's the easiest thing. It's so easy juggling so many men on your roster. Like

I get with a roster comes, comes responsibility. Okay. You got to remember what you want. You got to remember, Oh, did I tell this one, the same story? Like there's a lot of juggling going on. So just keep yourself in mind. You're first in this triangle. Okay. And whatever you want, you get. So just start to separate them and not have them both over so their dicks can slide in. Only one a week. Okay. Only one gets to ride the fun ride, sweetheart. Once a week, boys. Hi, daddy. I need help. I put my finger in my boyfriend's butthole which he likes obviously but literally felt so much shit on my finger how the hell do I go about addressing this addressing this girlfriend what do I ignore it and pretend it didn't happen love you so much I would like you to continue typing that and walk me through how the hell do I address this are you about to be like oh my god fucking Gerald look at

all the shit on my finger what do you want him to say it's kind of like what I say to dudes when like a girl starts just shitting everywhere mid fucking anal. That's what you get when you fucking put it in her asshole. So like, it's kind of the same for you. If you are going to take your little adventurous pointer finger and you're going to lube it up and shove it into his ass, you have to be prepared for the stank to come out when you pull it out. So I think number one, do not address it. Don't hold it up like it's like a sore fucking thumb and be like, look, what is this?

It's like, oh, that's shit because your finger was just in a butthole. Do you get anatomy? And then I also think, do I ignore it and pretend it didn't happen? You don't have to personally ignore it. You can always remember that moment and how it hit you a little different because it seems to have affected you. But, um, I would just prepare. So maybe you're like poop phobic or something. Then just maybe you use a toy instead of your actual finger, because maybe you don't like the little skitties under your nails. You know what I mean? That always gets me. I'm down for the shit on my finger, but then when I'm lingering and I'm like going to take,

when I'm going to take a bite of my chip plater and I can get a little whiff of the aftermath, even if I did a little soap and scrub that one that one will always get me but again it's the price you have to pay so no do not fucking tell your boyfriend internally handle the situation grow up what did you think was gonna come out fucking roses apparently according to it's either outcast or maroon five my roses really smell like poo poo hoo My roses really smell like poo poo hoo. My roses really smell like poo poo hoo. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to go because this week's episode has absolutely run its course. Daddy gang, what a fucking week. I'm going to just let you know a little thing. This week I started to dip my toe back into the idea of guests coming on the show. And let's just say there's a nice little fat stacked pile in my email of people that I think you are going to very much so enjoy coming on Call Her Daddy this season. A lot of the big guests that we will be having on though,

we are waiting till we go fully exclusive to Spotify. So you don't want to be left out. Okay. Again, no dad left behind. Okay. Please go subscribe to Spotify guys. It's free make sure you start listening there and I will see you motherfuckers next Wednesday