Call Her Daddy - It’s Breakup Season

Episode Date: November 30, 2022

This week Call Her Daddy brings you a SOLO episode. Alex talks about overcoming social anxiety during a recent night out. The night began with Alex attending a party solo, and hiding in the bathroom but ended with Big Al taking multiple shots with a new group of friends. Alex explains the secret to turning the night around - changing her mindset! Still haven’t been accepted to Raya? Alex shares a hack that will grant you access to the exclusive dating app without having to actually be on the app yourself. Friendship in adulthood can get tricky, people move, get into relationships and start families of their own. Alex reveals how she navigates adult friendships - let go of the idea that good friends require daily communication. Do you want to break up with your partner but are putting it off until after the holidays? It’s time to realize this is not the nice thing to do. Alex explains why the time to break up is now and why waiting until after the holidays is actually worse.

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Hello, ladies. Welcome to a new episode of Call Her Daddy. I am so fucking hungover. I really went after it last night. It got to the point where I valeted my car and my car is still at catch stake. So I had a great night, but I want to normalize starting off having an awful night. Okay, so let's get into it. Let me bring you down memory lane and memory lane as in last night, I was going to an event, Ashley Benson's fragrance line. She's launching a fragrance. Shout out. Love you. And I knew Ashley was going to be there. And I know Ashley, but I also knew like I didn't know anyone else that was going. And I knew Ashley was going to be super, super busy because the beauty queen herself, she's got shit to do. Right. And so

I knew that I was showing up to this event going by myself. It is so debilitating. I had such social anxiety and I want to normalize this because I feel like this is so not my personality and I really had to like have a fucking pep talk in the car with myself. Okay. I realized because I wasn't going to know anyone that I was so nervous to go. And my social anxiety just started to climb up and up and up and more and more and more. And I started texting people being like, I don't know if I can go. Like, I'm just going to text Ashley and tell her like, I fell. I fell. I fell. And I'm here. I can't get up. Like making up a fucking excuse to know we're not I was like, I can't do

that. So I'm sitting in my car. I'm freaking out trying to figure out if I'm going to go. And then I go. I get to this event and I show up alone. I drove myself because I was like, I'm not even going to drink that much because, you know, I'm going to try to just enjoy myself sober. And then I'll probably, you know, not stay too late because I'm not going to know anyone. And everyone's going to be partying with their friends. And I'm going to be the fucking lone loser that's going to be like, thanks for inviting me. I'll take my fragrances and go fuck myself. So when I walk in, it's not crowded to the point where everyone is just meshing in. And even if you're alone, you can kind of wing it and no one's going to notice you. I was sticking out like a sore thumb. Also, let me clarify, that may have been in my mind,

but in my mind, I was sticking out like a sore thumb because Also, let me clarify, that may have been in my mind. But in my mind, I was sticking out like a sore thumb because everyone was coupled off. Everyone had one person they were with. Everyone was kind of like up against the wall, having a chat, having a drink. And I walked in and there was nowhere to hide. I was in plain sight, loser. I understand I'm not a loser for going alone and being alone, but that's how you feel in the moment. You get in your head. You think people are staring at you. So naturally, my only option is to go get blackout. I go to the bar and I just get myself a drink, okay? And I am standing at the bar, pretty awkward still, trying to find someone that I could like, do I know anyone? Do I see anyone? And I don't know one human and Ashley's not there

because she's out doing like pictures and stuff and I'm by myself holding my dick in my hand at the bar so I get my drink and naturally once you get your drink and the bar is very small so like I should walk away from the bar let others get in and get their drink but I was clinging to that bar I was holding on to the slab of wood like the fucking Titanic bitch. Or wait, but that was the guy. The guy holding on to that. Never let go, Jack. That was me. Petrified to leave the bar because then where I go? Am I just going to like stand in the middle of the room like, hey, like swaying side to side, holding my drink. I refuse to go on my phone. That's a rule that I have for myself of like, I'm not

going to fucking be that awkward that I have to indulge myself in looking at fucking Instagram. I'm going to be present, but I'm not going to be confident while I'm present. So I'm going to be the most transparent of literally how this went because it is embarrassing, but I think hopefully it can make some of you feel good because if this happens to you, you're not alone. I literally am drinking and it's now been like 10 minutes that no one has spoken to me. And finally, this group of people actually came over to me and I was like, oh my God, I'm going to shit my pants. Thank God, friends. I have saviors. I have a safe place. They come over and they're like, oh my gosh, like we love your podcast. Like I got my brother into it and I have a great conversation with these people. They're being so loving. They love the podcast. I'm like, oh, I love you guys. Let's hang out all night. And

they're like, oh, we actually have to leave, but we'll be back like way later for like the party and stuff. But like we have to go to a different dinner and then we'll be back. My heart sunk to my butthole. I was so sad that of course the one, the people that one knew my podcast and I could like Relate with them and we could talk about shit They had to leave and there I was I got a quick taste of the fame the fortune and the good feels And then they left and I was by myself yet again So I do the courageous thing. I go to the bathroom And I figured the bathroom maybe i'd run into some people because it would be a

private bathroom area. Maybe I'd get, you know, talk with some of the gals. But the bathrooms were complete individual bathrooms, not even like individual stalls in a bathroom. They were just individual doors that when you go in there, you're alone. So a part of me was happy, but a part of me was like, I was using the bathroom to try to fucking find friends. Now I'm going to the bathroom to literally hide here like a fucking loser. I go into the bathroom, I take a selfie. You know, I'm looking good.

I'm feeling great. No, I'm feeling like shit, but I'm looking good. I take a selfie and I even think as I'm talking about this, I'm like, oh my God, I'm embarrassed. Like if the people then eventually that hung out with me know this. No, I'm not. Because this is fucking what happens when you show up to an event where everyone knows each other and you're one of the people that like doesn't know people. It is stressful. It is anxiety driven, driving. I

don't fucking care to be correct right now. So I stand in the bathroom and I'm not shitting you for like eight minutes. Okay. There is a man that was outside in like the waiting area. And I thought he was waiting for the bathroom before I went in. And I was like, Oh, are you waiting in line? He's like, no, no, I'm not. So he was kind of just like loitering around the area. So I think to myself, it's been about 10 minutes. So I've either been taking a massive log of shit or what is she doing in there? Right. I had to fake a phone call. I love to there? Right? I had to fake a phone call. I love to fake phone calls. I love to fake a phone call in public. I love to fake a phone call if my boyfriend is saying some dumb shit and I want to be like, oh, sorry, my therapist

is calling me or my Nana's. He's like, your Nana's dead. Oh, well, she's calling me from the grave. Like, I don't know. I'm going to fake a phone call all the time. I have no fucking issues with faking a phone call. It is a personality trait. It could be deflecting. I don't care. Personally, it's my comfort zone. So I fake a phone call as I walk out, but I realized that the new iPhone, the screen doesn't go black. The screen is at all times at a dim lit of your background phone screen. And so you can't fake a fucking phone call on these new phones. So I'm having to like pull it back to the side of my head, pretending I'm on a call because I know this guy is going to. And also, why do I give a fuck? I don't know. It was one of those

things where if that was an isolated situation, I wouldn't have given a fuck if I was in that bathroom for 10 minutes. But I think because the layers of like feeling insecure at this event and then feeling insecure that this man thinks I'm taking a massive shit and I'm in there for too long. I was like, of course, I've been on the phone. I pretend I'm like giving my friend advice. I don't even know what I was saying. I was like, it's totally fine. Don't worry. Like I'm at an event, but like it's totally fine. I just went to the bathroom. Like I'm good. You're going to be fine. Like call me again if you need me. Like I am spinning in my lies like so deep. And guess what? I realized this man doesn't give a fuck because why was he out there? He was doing some shit on his own. I was freaking out and being a fucking weirdo creeper, like faking a phone call.

So then I go back into the event and I go back in and something clicked to me. I was like, in college, I was so confident, even if it was completely fake. I was so confident in myself. And I remember like, I would go on dates with guys I had never met and I would show up and like, I would, or if he had all of his friends there, I would show up and like I would or if he had all his friends there I would show up alone like I I was like where did that Alex go what the fuck is happening to me why am I getting more awkward with age and so I go in there and I'm like you know what the first person I see at the bar because I'm going back to the bar it's my safe spot I'm gonna just fucking talk to so I go to the bar and I turn to my right and there's a guy and this woman. And I literally just say, how do you guys know Ashley? Boom. Okay. A common

denominator. We're here for our girl. We're celebrating her tonight. Let's talk about her. And immediately before they even answer, they're like, wait, I love your podcast. And then the one guy's like, oh my God, your podcast ruined my relationship. I was like, oh fuck, this is going south. And he was like, no, I'm just kidding. I remember towards the end, like I shouldn't have cheated. And she realized her worth because every time I would walk in, she'd be like listening to your podcast. And she broke up with me and I learned a life lesson. I'm like, this is so great. And the night starts to go well. Okay. All of a sudden, because I took a chance, make a risk, embrace. And the night starts to go well. Okay. All of a sudden, because I took, took a chance, make a risk, embrace. And I said that, I sang that on the last solo. I can't sing it again.

I fucking love Kelly Clarkson. She was my first concert ever. I went with my sister, my best friend, Kristen, and it was the best time of my life. So anyway, so I start talking to these people and this is like how well it went, you guys. So apparently there was assigned seating at this place and I was going to sob tears of sadness because I didn't know who I was going to be sitting next to. But I will say there was something exciting about knowing if I sat down, there was going to be forced conversation rather than everyone at cocktail hour was hanging out with their friends and I was nobody's friend. So I was fucking alone.

So we go and we sit down and I happen to be sitting next to the people that I just started to spark up conversation with a win, a win, a win. And all of a sudden the whole night takes a turn and we're having like such good time. We start taking shots. I get a concussion. What? Like I smashed my head into like the plate that the woman was carrying with food on it. And like it just sparked a con. If you can't figure out how to connect with people, smash your head into something. It's an immediate conversation starter because if people aren't assholes, they're gonna be like, are you okay? The whole thing went off without a hitch. I stayed for the after party. I was there. I was taking shots. I got so fucked up. We were all taking pictures. We were having fun. We were exchanging numbers. We were like, let's get brunch this

weekend. Oh my God, this is so fun. We have new friends. And I left that night having so much fun and I thought to myself back, rewind back to when I was sitting in my car, texting my friends, freaking out, not wanting to go, having a fucking panic attack, so much anxiety being like, I'm a loser. I don't know anyone. I'm going to be so awkward. The fact that I went into an event by myself and put myself out there and just tried to fucking talk to people. And I know it probably sounds easier said than done, but like whatever situation you're in, like for me walking into a room of people in Hollywood that I don't fucking know, I was insecure because like I was by, I would have loved to have a friend. But now that I look back, I'm happy I didn't because I would have hung out with my friend. I would have not put myself out

there and I wouldn't have made new friends probably in the way that I did because I had to heavily rely on myself and engaging with these people. So if you have to go to networking events or you're having to go to, you know, you're moved to a new city and you're trying to find friends and one person invites you to something, probably that person that invited you is going to have other friends there and they're not going to be chill with you just like hanging onto their arm the whole night. And so I think I learned like sometimes you have what is the worst that was going to happen. I was going to feel like a loser that no one wanted to talk to me. Trust me, it it crossed my mind to not stay and to like maybe try to get out of it early or

something. And then I had the best fucking time. And like at the end, I was just I ended up hanging out with Ashley. She was finally like done doing promo shit and we were having fun and all of her friends and I were hanging out. It was just such a good time to meet new people and to put myself out there. And so the moral of the story is, in moments where you think you're gonna be very uncomfortable and awkward,

I actually think those are the moments that there's such opportunity for growth because now whenever I have to go do something, whether it's for work or social, I'm going to remember this night and be like, I started absolutely fucking miserable. I was terrified. And it ended with me having to leave my fucking car at catch because I got so fucked up. We had so much fun. And now these people and I are texting and it's like, I have new friends in L.A. that I didn't have before. So I hope that just

gives you a little bit of courage because it's not easy. And I'm sure on social media, even seeing my pictures from that night, it looked like I had a great night. I have all my friends. No, no, no, that's not the fucking case. Let's talk about the dating app Raya. Okay. So let me just be clear and I'm not shitting on Raya. I think a lot of people always message me like, can you give me like a code for Raya or whatever? You don't want to get on Raya unless you want to like fly to New Zealand or like Australia. You don't want to go to every time I was on Raya, every fucking person lived like thousands and thousands of miles away. And like, you're just we don't we don't need you to get on a plane to go see a man. We'd rather like go to the coffee shop and like meet up and see if you like him. Right. So first and foremost, you're

not really missing out. And no relationship I ever built off of Raya turned into something serious or something that I could take serious because a lot of the people are just looking to like social climb and clout chase and like just be on there for like status and like partying and whatever. And if that's what you're into, I would have loved riot in college. But when I was in out of college and in my 20s, I just kept being like, I want to stay in New York and go on a date in New York. I don't really want to have to fly to Zimbabwe or to Costa Rica. Well, Costa Rica would have been nice, but I don't really want to have to go to Antarctica or Alaska or Australia or New Zealand or Portugal. Portugal would have been great.

There's just places you don't feel like getting on a plane to have your first date. You know what I mean? The first date can be like a little closey. But what I want to say is this. If you have a friend on Raya and this is my hack for you, and I guess this goes for all dating apps. If you have been struggling on the dating apps and you're exhausted, use your friends. What I mean by that is if your friend has Raya, because I did this with Lauren, okay? It was like last year, Lauren was like having a hard time getting on Raya. And then she was also like, I fucking hate dating apps. I'm so bad at it. And I was like, I still have Raya on my phone. Take my phone, take pictures of the men if you like them and go to their fucking Instagram and then screenshot their Instagram and DM them from your fucking account and say something like,

hey, my friend has Raya and she was scrolling through it this weekend and I saw you and I thought you were super cute. I don't have dating apps. So I figured I'd just like message you here. Can you fucking imagine how cool that is? Can you imagine getting that message being like, one, she's too fucking cool for dating apps. Love her. Number two, she's ballsy enough and putting in enough effort to be like, I saw you on an app that my friend has. So I got your information and I'm sliding in because I have no fucking shame. That's the new move. Use your friends to scope out the good ones and then DM them on fucking Instagram. I also think that can help you stand out more because Instagram DMing can move faster than if you're on the dating app. And if

you also are saying you saw them on the dating app, so you're telling them what you want from this. You want to go on a date, you're interested, but just fucking DM them on Instagram. I feel like no one is DMing people on Instagram anymore. And I feel like in college it was my go fucking to I would slide face first into athletes, DMs into doctors, DMs. I was in any DM that I was like, this guy can buy me a nice fucking meal. I can get a break from my pizza rolls like left fucking get it going. So Daddy Gang, you don't have to have Raya to be on Raya. Find someone on the fucking street, wear a shirt saying, do you have Raya? Take their phone for 10 minutes, take a couple pictures of good people and get in there. You know, what's really interesting that

has been just like something that annoys me that I just want to like claim and put it out there. Every fucking time that I meet people out. Hello, daddy gang. Every single person almost says this to me. Oh my gosh, you're so much shorter in person. I'm like, thanks. Fuck me. They're like, wow, you're so much shorter. I thought you were like 5'11". I'm just going to put it out here because this is my podcast and I just want to do a little disclaimer. I'm 5'5". I thought that was like an average height for a woman. Apparently, I'm a shrimp. So I just wanted to let you all know that when you see me in person, don't be shocked. It's a 5'5 situation. Just fucking clarifying.

So no one say that to me again, because it makes me want to run the other direction and put heels on. It sucks. I wish I was five a that feels like the perfect height, but I'm not. And you know what? It's okay. Okay, here's a topic I want to discuss because I have a lot of people in my life that have gone through this. I've gone through this. And we're going to get into it. I think you need to break up with your partner before the holidays. I said it. Okay. I don't mean if you're in the most healthy relationship to go just, oh my God, Alex said to break up with my partner before the holidays. Okay. Single. Let's go back hoeing it out on the streets. No. What I mean by this is if you have been struggling with your relationship, if you are doubting your relationship, if you are unsure that this is the relationship for you, if you guys

have been fighting a lot, there's a lot of bickering, you're unhappy, break up before the holidays. Now, I think a lot of people pussy out and are like, I'll just wait till after the holidays. It's so depressing to do that. We already bought each other gifts. We already did this. Like we already have plans. I don't give a fuck. I remember someone very close to me in my life was having a very big dilemma a couple of years ago. And it was, do I still have them come to Christmas or do I break up with them? And I was like, well, do you want to be in a relationship with this person? And they were like, I don't think so. But like, I just feel like it's too late. Absolutely not. If you're

doubting for a fucking second, I'm going to give you my rule book. Okay. Number one, you don't have to absolutely break up with someone before the holidays, but you're going to go on a break and you're not going to even call it a break. If you have been unhappy, you are going to address your partner and say this. And this is if you're not going to immediately break up with them. But I think sometimes this is easier than the breakup. If you're like not wanting to be confrontational, but you have to do like a version of it, here was what you're going to do. You're going to say to your partner I feel like and again you have to cater it to obviously whatever your actual details are but let's just I'm going to give you a

little format that's fake and you can fucking make it your own don't say this if this is not actually the issues you've been having I feel like lately we have been fighting a lot and things have just been off and I feel like it's just been we're both very stressed there's just been a lot on us again make it your own we've been fighting you cheated we did that like whatever the fuck it is and I feel like with the holidays coming up I feel like we should just take some time I'm gonna go home I think you know you can spend time with your family um because I think we just maybe need to like a reset moment to take some time alone and just be like what do we want out of this relationship what are we doing in your fucking mind you can know I'm breaking up with this motherfucker

come you know right between Christmas and January before New Year's because I'm not fucking kissing this bitch on New Year's but the point is is why the fuck are you going to stay in a relationship through the holidays? That is you're making you miserable. Why are we doing that to ourselves? I can see a lot of people saying, well, I'll just do it after the holidays. Number one, you're a fucking piece of shit. If this person goes and gets you an expensive ass gift or they spend a holiday away from their family because they have no fucking idea you want to break up with them and you don't have the balls to end it and you're just like, I'll just do it after. Let me be so clear. That makes it 10 times fucking harder. If you spend a fucking holiday season with this

motherfucker, you think you're going to do it after? You're not. You're going to have to give some buffer time because you'd be a psychopath if the day after Christmas you're like, by the way, I want to break up with you. Wait, so you, everyone that does that new prior and weeks, weeks, if not months, if not years prior, they wanted to end it. So basically what you're saying is I didn't respect you enough to allow you to make a decision for yourself to go spend the holidays with your family because I was not ballsy enough to just make a call that was how I was feeling and be honest and articulate it to you. Do you know what I mean? It's like, why would you force yourself

to spend the holidays just because you don't have the balls to end it? This person's gonna buy you a gift. They're gonna get closer with your family or it's gonna be a disaster and it's gonna yet again ruin your family's Thanksgiving or your Christmas or your holidays because you didn't have the balls to end it. And then after the holidays, you're going to have to put a buffer between when you can end it because you're going

to look like a crazy person if you end it right after. So all of a sudden you're now into February and guess what's February fucking Valentine's day. And then we're into March and people are going on fucking vacations in March to Cabo. Then all of a sudden we're in fucking September and you're back at the same place. So to all those people who are thinking they want to end their relationship but think it's easier if they wait till after the holidays, I'm here to tell you it's actually more considerate to your partner and to yourself to just end it now. And listen, I get it. I'm being like, I break up with them.

I wanna be so clear. It is so fucking hard to end a relationship. It's so awful. It's so emotionally taxing. It's so confusing. But if you are in your 20s or your 30s, or especially in your teens, and you have a fucking doubt in your mind

that this is not the person you wanna be with, if there are issues now, like my mother always said, anything that bothers you in your relationship will get 10 times worse when you get married. So if you're unhappy in your relationship right now, and there's things that you're like, oh, like this annoys me, or I don't like this personality trait, or this is is it's going to get worse. So are you down to be complicit in staying in a relationship that doesn't fulfill you, but it feels safe? And it's like, well, maybe I won't feel anything better. No, no, no, no. You need to be single because you will find better when you think you can't find better. That's when I know you can find fucking better, daddy gang.

And then you fucking come back and right before New Year's, you're like, I just realized through the time of thinking and being away from you, I just don't know if this is the right relationship for me. It's so much fucking better. And I've helped some friends with this and I've done it myself.

It feels really, really daunting and really scary. And especially if you already have plans, you can cancel the plans. If this person was coming on your Christmas trip with your family, yeah, tell them to go spend it with their family and tell them that this is just, it's just not the right situation this year. And you kind of want to just do your own thing, but this will give you some reprieve and the ability to formulate actually how you feel. And it gives you a test run to see how you feel without them in your life. You are going to be with family. You are going to be, you know, busy. You're going to be bored at times. There's a lot of things going on during the holidays that I think you can utilize in your favor to move on from a relationship and also to end a relationship.

So I don't know if anyone needed this, but if you think you want to end your relationship, please do not wait until after the holidays. It's only going to complicate things and make the situation more painful for every single person involved. The time is now, Daddy Gang. A lot of people have been messaging me asking me to talk about growing out of friendships and moving on from friendships in your 20s and your 30s. And I guess just as you get older and you kind of, I mean, out of college, everything changes. And I've kind of talked about this, but here's my two cents on this. There are going to be friends that you have from childhood that you have absolutely fucking nothing in common with. That's also just like an aggressive statement. You have shit in common with, but the things that you guys were comfortable and close with about when you were younger, there is a chance that you guys have evolved as adults and you guys don't have the same interests and you guys aren't similar in certain ways, right?

But the reason you guys are friends is because of the history and the connection you had when you were younger. That's very normal. And I think those relationships, you just have to adjust your expectations around them. Like for me, those relationships are some of my favorite relationships and it took me a while to work on it in therapy of like, we don't have anything in common anymore. Like I don't even know what to talk to her about. And it's not a bad thing. I'm sure she feels the same. You know, it's like you almost you just change as people because let's keep it real. When I was seven and when I was 10 and I was 15, I'm a very different person now at 28 years old than I was. And my interests are different and my maturity level and my wants and my needs or

whatever the fuck. And so are theirs. And so although we liked playing fucking hopscotch, is that hopscotch? And jump rope. Okay. Whatever it was, manhunt, capture the flag, beating jewels together. We no longer do that. And so do our adult interests and hobbies align? They may not. And so how do you navigate those friendships? Number one, if those relationships fade, I think it's totally, totally okay. If you feel bad about it, my advice would be you're not looking to connect with this person on like enjoying certain similarities anymore. You're not looking to connect with this person on like enjoying certain similarities anymore. You're not trying to find the needle in the haystack of like, let's talk about this because

this is the one thing we can agree on or we like. You're keeping in touch and you're both supporting each other through whatever is going on in the other person's life. So if my friend is sitting across from me and it's a childhood friend that we don't have much in common anymore, it's the support that I'm providing my friend of genuinely being so interested

and wanting to stay connected to her life that although I may not be as interested in the things that she's doing with her life, I'm interested because of the love that I have for this person because of the history and because I know this person and I had such an incredible bond that I respect this person and I'm so happy to see this person evolve and grow even if it means that we are not on the same page. I think that those kind of relationships are actually incredible friendships because there's no competition. There's no ulterior motive.

It's a genuine history that you want to flourish and continue to grow while also not having these crazy expectations. So when you can get to that point with childhood friends, it's way, way better, I think, to actually just appreciate that you're still in touch and that you can be there as a sounding board because you knew this person way back when rather than being like a new adult friend that may not know the history and certain things about their upbringing, etc. Then there are also childhood friends that you grow with and you are so fucking close

to and you guys have so much in common, but you guys live in different cities, right? And sometimes you almost rely so heavily on them being that childhood friend that you don't need to make as much of an effort texting them as let's say a new adult friend, because you want to go to brunch with your adult friend and they're more in your immediate life. And if you actually came down to it, you're that childhood friend friend you're way closer to at the end of the day. Like if something really fucking bad happened in your life, you're calling your childhood best friend. But in the day to day, you're sad because you're not as close and you don't know what's

going on 24-7 in their life. That's normal. That is very normal. And I get it. I've had relationships that I have struggled. I have wanted to make more of an effort, but they're busy or vice versa. And I will just say this. When you know someone from such a young age, again, back to the other relationship dynamic, you can appreciate that you don't

have to talk every day. Even if you send a a thinking of you text, like my best friend, Jackie from middle school and I, we have this joke. It's like, are we ever going to hang out? We hang out like once a year. We text and FaceTime like every month, but we're so bad at like putting a date. And we're like, we have a virtual relationship, but we've appreciated almost the growth of that like dynamic of like, how cool is it that we never get to fucking see each other because our lives are so busy, but we make a point to every month or so connect and have a conversation and support each other. And we are so similar, but it's like, we are, we are, our lives are busy.

She lives in Denver. I live in LA. Like it's, it's not easy to just like connect all the time and be talking. Whereas I have friends in L.A. that I'm not as close to, but I talk to way more often. It's just the natural progression of relationships in life that I think we can normalize is really fucking sad. There's parts of me that miss being able to like go to Jackie's all the time and go to Lauren's all the time and go to Kristen's all the time and have sleepovers and

slumber parties and go to the move like it it sucks I get it but you have to look at it like so appreciative of like damn like we have all these new adult relationships and stresses and we still keep in touch and we're still so close. And I think it's about making the effort, right? Like, and also being understanding. Jackie will send me like 15 paragraphs. She's going to text me and be like, you, you're acting like I'm a needy bitch. Let me finish my statement, Jackie. She'll send me 15 paragraphs and I don't answer till like two days later sometimes because I'm in the middle and the thick of something. And then I send her this long fucking paragraph and paragraph and voice notes and pictures. Then it takes her a minute to get back to me. And we've had a conversation about it where it's like,

I know we're both on such different schedules and we're so busy and I love you and just know like you don't need to answer me immediately. I totally get you're super busy. So I think having a conversation because I think, listen, feelings can get really hurt, especially in friendships. If someone's putting in more work than the other person, I think a lot of times it can ebb and flow of one person's really putting in a lot of work and the other person's super busy or distracted with something in their immediate day to day life. And and then it can flip-flop like but it's the mutual understanding of we're doing our best and we know it's not malicious we're not we know we're not like putting other people before the other person it's just life and we're busy and we're adulting

and we have jobs and we have relationships it's a lot do I wish I could talk to Jackie and Lauren and Kristen way more yes Yes. But we make efforts that when we do talk, we're fully present. We're fully in it. That's something I think everyone can do a better job at. And I've really tried really hard to because of how none of my best friends live in Los Angeles from home. I have to make sure that when I'm with my friends, like I want to be present. And I know it sounds stupid, but like there's nothing worse than when you're talking to someone and you can tell they're distracted or where their eyes are kind of glazed over and they're not really paying attention to what you're saying. If you want to create

relationships that you have a mutual respect, you tell a story you want them to be engaged you want them to give your their honest opinion you want them to be concentrating on what you're saying and not distracted you need to give that back I feel like way too many fucking people get pissed off about relationships and I'm like yeah but you're a shit friend like when you don't have to talk to this person all the time but when you are interacting with your friend and I'm not perfect like that's what I'm saying like I definitely work on this of like are you there for your friend are you making it about you are you like you know what I mean like be present and listening to them and showing them like I know we don't get to hang out all the time or talk all

the time but I'm here right now and I'm so invested because I love this person and I want to be here as a friend. Friendships take so much fucking work, daddy gang. They are, if not harder than romantic relationships because a romantic relationship, you're in it all the fucking time. You're with this motherfucker all the time. You're fucking. It's a lot, but there's like a different level of intimacy and connection. Obviously, a friendship is just a lot more work in different aspects that you have to like really be consciously making an effort to make that person feel seen and supported. In a relationship romantically, you're really getting back a lot from what you put into the relationship. Like you are seeing benefits to your happy, healthy relationship.

You're having a better sex life, a better conversations your happy, healthy relationship. You're having a better sex life, a better conversations. You're going deeper. You're, you're more invested, et cetera, et cetera. With a friendship, there's times where like your life is going pretty well and your friend is fucking going through it, or you're really going through it. And your friend is fucking thriving in her life. And you need to know most of the time in a romantic relationship, you're going to be kind of on the same page because you're merging your lives together. Whereas in a friendship, you're not merging your lives. And so you're really on very different pages at times.

Even if you look from the outside, like, oh, you guys have similar jobs and friends. You're going through very different shit. So it's like that relationship can feel sometimes unforgiving or like oh like I don't feel like going to listen to her bitch tonight about blah blah I get it I get it we've all been there but there's a difference between a friend that just loads on to you and dumps on you all the time and never wants to listen to your shit and then there's times where it's like hey I know you may not want to go to that dinner and listen to your friend cry for like the fifth time about the guy that she's upset over, but you have to do it because a year ago she did it for you. So friendship is actually about recognizing more than not, you're going to be on absolutely different pages.

It's rare you're going to be on similar pages, right? Like college, it felt more on the same page because everyone has the same wants. Go out, drink, have fun, try to get decent grades so you don't fucking fail out. And boys, boys, boys, beer, drinking, whatever the fuck. And then you get into the real world and it's like that's literally was a fake utopia that we all lived in that was just like easy to enjoy. And now it actually is completely fucking different. And friendship is a motherfucker unless you recalibrate your brain to recognize what comes from friendship is fucking incredible and you cannot replicate it in a romantic dynamic. There's nothing better than knowing friends are going to be there for you at

your lowest and they're you know what they're usually going to be on your side your friend is going to be there to fucking support you and be like your hype person so it's like knowing that like in the bad moments you got to be less selfish of realizing they're coming to me when I need this when they need this and I'm coming to them It's kind of a very at times transactional relationship. It feels unless you change your mindset around how to navigate a healthier adult relationship, which is we're not on the same page. We have different interests. We're at different points. And I guess it is also like, where are you at romantically? Listen, I completely get how it can go from you and your best friend. You're both single, right?

You're talking daily. You're texting. You have automatic plans after work together every single weekend, brunches, late nights. On a Monday night, you may be hanging out. And then you or your friend gets a partner, right? Imagine your friend gets a boyfriend and you don't talk daily anymore. And she's not available every single weekend. Maybe even on weeknights, she's really not available. And it's hard not to take that personally

and feel hurt by this. But this is part of the ebb and flow of friendship, right? When I personally get home now that I have a partner, when I get home from work, I want to spend quality time with my boyfriend and debrief our days and put our phones away so that we can connect. And naturally, I'm no longer going to maybe sit on my phone after work, FaceTiming my friends for hours, drinking wine. Of course, I would pick up the phone if naturally they were upset about something. But it's like since getting into a relationship, my day does look a little bit different than when I was single. That's OK. What's not OK is if you stop putting in any effort to your friends and you expect them to come to you just because you're in

a relationship and like you're what your hands are full with no I think there needs to be a conversation and a balance and if you guys want I could do a segment in an episode about what is the balance and the protocol when one friend gets into a relationship and the other friend is single because both sides are valid that both feelings can get hurt and both people can feel like the other friend is single because both sides are valid that both feelings can get hurt and both people can feel like the other could be doing more the other is being unreasonable like it can get very tricky because that flip happens so quickly and you go from being butt buddies basically to then the person that gets into the relationship now has someone that they go to all the time. And the person that you went to now is in a relationship.

So you don't have someone to go to all the time. And so you're kind of stripped of that immediate resource that felt so cozy and comfortable to you. And they don't really feel that loss immediately because they have a partner now. But back to what I was talking about, it's important to really understand. And I don't think it's articulated enough. And I will be honest, I'm even realizing it as I'm just like freely thinking and talking in this podcast. It's like you have like moments where you're at the same point of a friend and they're so fleeting and you actually just have to get more used to, like I said, the ebb and flow of friendship,

right? And it's completely okay. And it's not an indicator of the quality of your friendship. A strong friendship can handle the ups and downs. Like you do not have to stay friends with this person. You don't have to put in that effort. But if you do, and it's like years and years of friendship, how fucking incredible to look back and be like these are just human beings that I met at some point in my life that we had no reason other than loving each other and respecting each other that we stayed close so I love you guys I hope this was helpful you know Papa Cooper's here baby okay you come to me for the solos and I will I will dish it out as best as I can um I love you guys always dm me if you guys want me to talk about specific topics because bitch I can go I

never shut the fuck up okay just like my family always says do you ever stop talking no that's why I have a fucking podcast I love you daddy gang I will see you fuckers next Wednesday goodbye