Call Her Daddy - Nessa Barrett: My Journey with Borderline Personality Disorder (FBF)

Episode Date: May 31, 2024

Nessa Barrett joins Call Her Daddy and isn’t here to hold back. She reflects on her childhood - and why she ran away from home at only 17 years old. She talks about what happened when she blew up online, her relationship with Josh Richards and the internet drama surrounding her dating timeline with Jaden Hossler. Nessa opens up about their recent breakup and directly addresses the cheating rumors. Nessa gets vulnerable when speaking about her mental health struggles that began when she was only six years old. She opens up about her Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis. Nessa describes the times when her struggles became unbearable and reveals the pain involved around getting help at a mental hospital. This episode discusses adult subject matter, including descriptions of self harm and suicide and is intended for adult consumption only. Listener discretion is advised. Resources: 24/7 Crisis Hotline: If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org.

what is up daddy gang it is your founding father alex cooper with call her daddy nessa barrett welcome to call her daddy thank you so everyone probably knows you from tiktok and i feel like sometimes when people pop up on the internet there's this whole thing of like wait where did this person come from who are they what are they about wait like what is their life sometimes when people pop off on the internet, there's this whole thing of like, wait, where did this person come from? Who are they? What are they about? What is their life story? So can you give us like your elevator pitch of like who you are? So I'm from New Jersey, very small town. I've changed schools quite a bit. I've played soccer all my life. I've also been, you know, doing music all my life

because my dad was heavily into music. I always grew up with a studio in my house. And I ended up getting like around like eight concussions. I had suffered from like pretty bad brain injuries and I had to completely stop sports like altogether. And I was like a pretty like athletic person growing up. And I, soccer was my life. Like when I would like a pretty like athletic person growing up and I soccer was my life like when I would get punished like my parents would like ground me from going to practice like it was and I'd freak out um and so as soon as I stopped doing that I had to find something else um and I started posting on social media and then I'm here. Here we are. When you became popular on TikTok, how did it feel to have so much attention so quickly?

Oh my God, I love it. I mean, I'm a Leo, so I love attention. And I felt like I never really got that growing up. And my entire life, that was kind of something that I chased, whether it was like, you know, wanting friendships. I just wanted people to like me. And so the second that I, for once, wasn't just like a loner like kid and like people kind of like were interested in me, it was a really good feeling. How though did the kids at school treat you? Everyone in my school or most of my friends had the app before I did.

And I was told to download it, and I made a video during school. And I just remember going to biology class and going to the bathroom to check my phone after. And I was like, whoa, these are famous people following me. And then And then I just, my notifications were, like, insane. I, like, blew up, like, during school. And everyone thought it was so cool at first. But then when it got to a certain degree, it was, like, I was, like, an outcast because of it. And I would, like, walk into class and, like, they would take pictures of me from Google and make them, like, all of, of like the home screens on like the computer and

then teachers would um you know use like my name and like my salary as like anecdotes for like math problems and like it was yeah and it was like a weird stuff and like having like freshmen like kids like come up to me and ask for pictures it's like it was a lot and I just remember like I hate school I hated school and the only way I was going to college was for soccer and when that was out of the picture I was like no I'm going to college and then when this happened it was like I begged and cried to just be homeschooled. Would you confide in anyone about that? It's like hard to explain because I'm like the type of person that I get so embarrassed with what I go through that I don't really want to talk about it. And I try to just like hold in everything and just like deal with it myself.

And I also feel like no one gives a shit about like me or like what I'm going through. And that's just how like I have a very big like victim complex like and so I just like would just like take it and then cry about it like alone um and like I occasionally you know I talk about it with like my really close friends but it it was just really weird for me because I like the year before that too like I was like uh I felt like I was already became an outcast in my school and like in high school like I I was new I was a new kid as a freshman like no one's ever seen me before I moved to a different town and I left my previous school because I you know I felt like I didn't belong there and I was kind of um like you know alone and like outcasted and so I moved to a different high

school and I was like everyone like loves like the new kids you know at first and then I yeah sophomore year is like downhill you mentioned that you kind of had this like music studio in your house that your dad had put together and he kind of had aspirations in the industry like did he give you any advice of like what to do how to handle moving forward and like how to kind of craft your career me and my dad have um we don't have like the best relationship I'll always love him because he is my father you know and I like plan on working on our relationship in the future you made a big decision to move to LA at one point. Can you talk about when and why you decided to leave New Jersey and go to LA? Yeah. So it was during the pandemic and

everything was just like it, everything was on lockdown. And at that point I was, you know, I was going to the studio when I would go to LA and I was visiting LA like quite often. Like there was a point where I would go to public school like Monday to Friday and I had like senior option, which is where I had enough credits to just like leave at like 11. And I would leave at 11, go right to the airport, fly to LA and then then come back Sunday or Monday, and then do school the rest of the week, and I couldn't stay locked in my house in New Jersey, not doing anything that I, you know, created already and started, and, um, and, like, school was just, you know, online anyway. So I bought a plane ticket when I was 17 at 1 a.m. That was I had to leave for at 4 a.m. And my parents knew that I was going to run away.

So they took all of my suitcases and I packed everything up in like old school bags and my old soccer bags and like duffel bags that I had and got an uber and left were you scared terrified terrified the worst was that I had a connecting flight and so they had no idea and I'm like I'm taking I'm on my first flight and I'm thinking oh I got away with it I land on my connecting flight and I phone blown up where am I all this stuff like they're tracking my flight they know where I am like cops are coming to get me like they're not gonna and I'm like what the heck so I'm just like like playing like I don't know I was like trying to be like undercover like at like the the airport like freaking out my anxiety was so bad and um yeah I just hopped on the next-Fly and I just kept going.

You're, what, 17 years old? Who did you stay with? Did you have any friends in LA? No, yeah. So I was visiting LA a lot before I ended up running away. And so I had a boyfriend at the time. And I stayed at their house. And I just went straight there

because that's where I was like staying before um and so like I I knew like a few people there and I had a place and in my my mindset at the time was like anything other than being home is better for me you know it's like I would have done anything to get out of that situation. And then you never went back. So you were dating Josh Richards, who is also a TikTok star. What was your relationship like? Um, yeah, I mean, you know, I feel like because of social media, we developed a very serious relationship for, like, it was too serious for how young we were. And, I mean, like, he was a part of Sway at the time, too. And, I mean, like, those boys, like, they were blowing up. Like, that was, like, their prime when we started dating, so

it, you know, like, them being, like, 17, 18, you know, blowing up, living in LA, like, in a house of their own. It's, like, a frat house of, like, social media, and, you know, it's hard to, you know, resist some things, and I wouldn't say that this is the truth but how I felt at the time was that a lot of the good parts of our relationship was simply for views and content and um that stuff and it got like really hard for me to process because I'm you know I I fall for people like heavy and I get very attached. And so seeing things a certain way was kind of just like, I couldn't understand it. Everything you see is not always what it's, it actually is. No. Yeah, exactly. And like, I, I felt like, you know, two, about two years ago,

like I made a drastic change with my persona online and how I let people see me because you know my the very beginning of me being online I was doing whatever I could to be the person that everyone wanted me to be and to be liked and I faked almost everything like I wasn't being real I wasn't myself I it was just, yeah. Can you talk a little bit more about that? Like what, give us an example of like what you would be faking. I mean, for one, like my style and, you know, my attitude, I have struggled with mental health so much and I am a pretty sad person but I've I in the beginning like I developed such a bubbly character that was almost like you know like like I don't care like I'm just happy and like giggly and like it was it was just not me and then over time I just like kind of like allowed myself to be like

that person that like everyone could like make fun of. How did you try to maintain any type of autonomy over who you really were versus what was going on on the internet that you were posting? that like everyone could like make fun of. How did you try to maintain any type of autonomy over who you really were versus what was going on on the internet that you were posting? Yeah, I mean like I just struggled a lot with my identity at that point and I feel like the second I actually started,

you know, making music and like writing my music, it really helped me like understand how, like who I was, you know, and that's when I just stopped caring. Like I'm just going to do what I want to do and I'm going to be myself because I mean, it's like the best thing to do at this point. Last year, all of the drama unfolded between what seemed like two TikTok couples. There was you and Josh and Mads and Jaden. And you were all friends until you weren't. And it kind of all blew up. Yeah.

What happened? See, this is just like a very like sticky situation to talk about because I feel like there's like multiple sides to every story. And it was just, you know, we were all living in a house together. And I felt like separately we each were going through problems in our relationship. And me and like, yeah, me and Jen were really good friends, and we started, um, doing La Di Da. And that's when, like, everyone's like, oh, my God, like, they started, like, falling for each other when they did La Di Da. And I'm like, no.

You know, like, that, it wasn't, like, that's not, like, what happened. Um, it was, like, after. Uh, like, the song was already made made and everything was already done it was like after um but uh yeah like we were struggling uh with in our relationships uh separately and um there was a lot of tension in the house too because um you know certain people didn't really get get along and Josh at the time, like before we broke up, he was just so busy with work. And I was like heavily like starting my music career. And so there was just a point we decided to break up too, because I was struggling a lot mentally.

And I've just realized that like, hey, like we started dating when we were really young and we're both just not the same people as when we started and I just felt like we had a lot of different interests you know um and it got to a point where sometimes you just realize that you're more comfortable than you know in love at the moment. I don't know. We broke up and then stuff just started happening and it wasn't like anything like sneaky, really. I felt like I just let my heart kind of just like take control. And I knew that it was like really bad timing and like not the best situation and I just know how it looked and it should have looked that way because I didn't make a poor decision um but

like I don't regret anything um and also to like which I don't want to use any like it's it's I don't want to sound like I'm like making up excuses for myself but like with my like mental health stuff um and with BPD there's a thing called favorite person and like we can get into that like more in depth but your brain basically like unwillingly attaches itself to someone and when that happens like that's all you can think about, and you'll do anything to make that person happy, and they become your life and identity at that point, and it turns romantic because it's so hard to identify the difference between that, you know, when you, when you're so in love with someone, it's like, they become your favorite person but with bpd it's like different and um i think because me and jayden were spending so much time with each other with music and all

that stuff and we're really close friends and um i you know wasn't with josh anymore and even when i was it's like he was gone most of the time. We didn't really spend that much time together. My brain attached itself to Jaden in that way. And so that's when I was like I'd do anything at that moment to make it work. But then, you know, social media had gone to play, and then the whole drama started, and it created something that it probably wasn't going to be like we started dating like like it became serious and an actual thing like after everything broke out on the internet because it we felt like we had to the night that everything kind of like broke out was

the day that um our, we performed on Ellen. It was like a headline that like, oh, we announced that we're dating. Like we made it official. And I was like, what the heck? Like I'm not going to lie. Like I was being like very selfish and I obviously felt a certain way. But I feel like everyone can say at certain points that like what people say online is not going to affect them. But even if you don't want it to and you don't let it subconsciously it's going to be in your head you know and it's

going to do something and um I'm just very thankful that I got to deal with that situation with someone but on my side um because it you know I've dealt with a scandal similar to that and I was completely alone dealing with it so it was different and um I felt like a blessing and a curse to you know go through it with Jaden um but it was really hard I just didn't want to really talk about the situation because I was one kind of embarrassed but two also like very angry at the way that everything played out and it it was just something that like made me really upset because at the time I just thought that I was doing something that would make me happy but then I had the whole world you know calling me a slut and telling me that I'm a backstabbing bitch and like all this stuff.

And I'm like a homie hopper and like a homewrecker and all this stuff. And it was just very frustrating to me because I was like, there's so many aspects of the entire thing that no one knows about. I think it also helps clarify again like we said like everyone has different perspectives and I appreciate you just kind of speaking from your perspective because I think again a lot of people are just going to respect how gracefully and respectfully you handled the situation and you continue to handle the situation I feel bad more than anything and I've realized that I just was really selfish again I appreciate you just like being honest and taking ownership and you and Jaden kind of just become in this

huge relationship that becomes larger than life which had already happened to you once with Josh of like everyone wanting to watch everything you're doing on the internet and then it ends what happened we honestly got to experience such amazing things together and like I performed at Lollapalooza with him and like we did everything and I was like you know uh I was on tour with him for a little bit when uh he was on tour with MGK and um you know again like I wouldn't regret it. Um, and we've had a lot of great moments that I would cherish forever. And, um, it, again, it was just, everyone already had something to say about it and us and, um, and as much as, you you know we wanted to not let things affect us it did and um during our relationship too like we both really struggled mentally and we also were kind of like

because of how it started I felt like we always felt like we were outcasted from like everyone you know and it was just kind of like an us against the world type thing and um that got hard when we both were struggling so much personally and there was just a lot of things that we I felt like we both needed to work on before jumping into another relationship which we did way too fast. And it got really tricky and our mental health just got the both of us. And it, you know, we just had a lot of growing to do. And I felt like there was also the pressure of us, like, all of the drama. Like, we felt like we had to make it last. There is speculation that he cheated. Is that true?

Um. I wouldn't. Okay, not physically. As far as I don't think. And I don't blame him for anything because at the time when things started happening, I wasn't the best person in a relationship because I was struggling so much. And I know how it feels to, you know, want attention from other people when you're not getting it by the person that you're with and you know there's just a few things that I wasn't too happy about

and that made me very insecure. Yeah. Yeah. yeah yeah when and why did you begin to struggle with your mental health? Yeah, so I started going to therapy when I was six. I was diagnosed with anxiety and I think that there were some signs that my parents picked up on that they're like well like I don't know why she's freaking out like I would get um like attached to like certain things and like freak out if I didn't have like you know them on me or like I didn't have them around and then uh I think I had to go on a plane for the first time and my reaction to that was just a telltale sign that I needed to go get treatment so um yeah so I started going to therapy when I was six and doing family therapy as well because there was um you know custody battles and stuff like that my parents were never together

um but um for the beginning of my life, they tried living together, and then that caused a lot of stress for me, which, like, living at home was just hard for me. And when I was 14, which was, like, I was, yeah, I was a sophomore in high school. I had, and it was shortly after I got my last concussion, I spiraled. And I guess the trauma that my brain had just exacerbated all of my mental health and everything just went terrible. I developed really bad ADHD and I couldn't go to school because I couldn't read like more than two sentences without vomiting. I had to go to like ocular and vestibular therapy to learn how to like, you know, run or like balance on one foot and like, you know, catch balls and, um, like how to track my eyes. Cause they were so, it was like really bad. And, um, because of my ADHD, you know, getting really bad because of my,

um, brain injury, I, um, struggled a lot mentally. and that's when I had my first actual suicide attempt and I was hospitalized for it. So that was like pretty rough. Did your family find you or how did they find out? Yeah, I overdosed on a medication that I was prescribed to aid my concussion, you know, and like the pain that came with it and my migraines and all that stuff. And I was at my dad's house at the time and I think he was, like, making dinner, and I was upstairs in my room, and he kept calling me down for dinner, and he said I wasn't answering, and, um, I don't remember much. Um, all I remember was going in the bathroom, and I had, like, an old, like, glass cup that was, like, empty in my room, and I was just like, you know what, you know what like fuck it like I'm gonna do it now I was very impulsive very impulsive because of my ADHD and I was so deeply depressed and I've

always dealt with like you know having such intense and like deep like feelings where I would just like I was so depressed and like I like, I would, like, cry, and I couldn't stop crying, and I'd get, like, so mad and angry and, like, mean, and I didn't know what was wrong with me, and when it got worse because of my concussions, like, I felt like I was insane and that there was no getting better, and I was done, and I felt like I was a burden, like, to my family, and, you know, I caused, like, so much pain because of how I was mentally, and so I went to a bathroom and filled it up with sink water, and I just, yeah, I overdosed, and I just remember while it was, like, kicking in, I sat down, and I wrote everyone notes, and I think I just, like, passed out on the floor, and my dad found me, and just, like, carried my limp body and called 911 and I just remember he like

there was a hospital that was like so close to the house and I was like like in and out of like consciousness and like I just remember his voice echoing you know um I didn't really know what was going on and um he was like on the phone with ambulance, like, freaking out, and, like, asking how fast that they could come, and all this stuff, and he was, like, you know, I'm just gonna drive, I'm just gonna put her in my car, and just, like, drive to, um, the nearest hospital, and they were, like, telling him not to do it, and so he was, like, trying to drive to meet them closer, because they wouldn't come, and I just remember them, like, dragging me out of his car just to put me in the back seat, and then I remember, vividly remember, like, my mom, like, yelling at me while the ambulance

doors was closing while I'm on, like, the stretcher, and I just, like, woke up in the hospital, but I think the scariest and, like, most traumatizing thing for me was my little brother witnessing it and him just like you know crying and I felt like I just like scarred him for life almost seeing that and him just being like is this okay like what's wrong with sissy like freaking out and it's yeah how did you and your whole family like begin to try to just help you recover and try to move forward with life? Yeah, I mean, I don't really know. I think that my parents were more, like, mad at me than anything, which was very hard for me to deal with because I'm, like, I was just, like, in so much pain, you know, like, how, and I think that, like, I just wanted, like, I think that was a moment where I just, like, I just wanted to be loved the most and supported.

And I've thought about death and suicide since I was, like, 10. And so, you know, being in hospital and not knowing, I was too young to know like what actually like what happened and what would happen and I um I was getting my blood work done like all the time like all throughout the night like I was like on IVs and all this stuff I had like nurses and like officers I would like I was on suicide watch you know I couldn't pee without people following me I couldn't do anything um and it it sucked and then I thought that like once I got better I could go home and I was all I wanted was to go home so did you end up having to go away yeah uh they put me on a stretcher, I think like three days later when a bed opened up out of place and I arrived at a psych ward. I was obviously in the pediatric, you know, because I was 14.

So it was like, you know, kids around my age and I was very shy and timid and scared and embarrassed. And I don't want to talk to anyone. Like, I don't want to, like, open up to anyone. Like, when they would have group, it's like, no way I'm sharing, like, my story or, like, why I'm here or anything like that. And then I learned that there is a point system. And you have to in order to get out. And I was on level one. And you've got to be on level four to even get considered to leave, and, um, yeah, and that was scary, too, because my parents also

placed me on phone protocol, so you don't have phones, and phone protocol is when you can't even use the pay phone to call anyone. You don't get calls. You can can't so I was completely like isolated and alone like in that spot and it was it was traumatizing but then as soon as I got comfortable in there um and like started making friends like it was it was like fun and then you start feeling like you know I felt like I belonged you know for the first time if, like, say something to that 14-year-old girl now where you're at, like, what would you say to yourself? Oh, my God. Thank God she was in there because, I mean, I wouldn't be where I am now.

Yeah. And I just felt so, like, hopeless at that point because I couldn't really see, like like a future after getting out of there. At 18, you got a diagnosis for borderline personality disorder can you explain what that means um yeah so borderline personality disorder is very tricky and it's different for everyone that has it because it's basically a self-taught disorder that is developed from childhood trauma and um it's not like a chemical imbalance, which I have other, you know, my anxiety and like depression and all that stuff that is, but this isn't because it's

just habits and almost like defense mechanisms that you've developed from trauma growing up. And it just adapts your entire personality. And, um, there's a lot of things that come into play with like, you know, very harsh mood swings. And then, you know, um, you get very intense, like manic and manic episodes and and, you know, abandonment issues and it's, the list can go on, but it is such the, one of the most like painful mental health illnesses because of how intense and severe your emotions become when you have it. So say like whenever I feel any sort of sadness, my brain kind of shuts off all the signals for any other emotion and I am unable to process or remember what happiness feels like or that happiness is an emotion at all.

So all I feel is sad and all I can ever feel is sadness and that there's no escaping it. And it's like it hurts. It's so painful mentally that it starts to physically hurt and you can't really control anything. And that's where I struggle the most because it makes you act out in ways that, you know, isn't you. And you really have to learn how to become very self-aware in order to help yourself. How did you feel when you got the diagnosis? Relieved. My mom always thought I had it, but I was previously

misdiagnosed with bipolar, and I was like, yeah, okay, maybe, because, like, you know, it ran in my family, but I would, like, look it up and, like, research, and I was like, this doesn't make sense because it's, like, not me, and so when I was diagnosed with BPD, it made a lot of sense. When you said your mom always thought you had it, would she say that to you? Like, how did that affect you? Yeah, and I also knew that she would bring it up when I would get, like, evaluations and, you know, all this stuff, and I just remember people being like, we can't diagnose her with that because she's under 18 um and when I was diagnosed she told me like I knew it too um

but um yeah at first it makes you feel like something's wrong with you but I've just kind of learned to that like at least I know what's wrong yeah when you talked about the trauma that you endured can you clarify what you were talking about um I just dealt with a lot things growing up um and um it's just hard for me to talk about it because I don't really want to like throw anyone under the bus you know but um, it was just really hard for me. But, like, even, like, when I got older, too, I started, I got, you know, trauma from, you know, people that weren't just, like, in my family. Like, when it came to, like, boys and, like, I feel like almost every girl now deals with, like, sexual trauma because people fucking suck. Um, but I just went through a lot of fucking shit. Um, that I don't know if I'm, I'll ever be like comfortable opening up about it. Um, because like right now I'm trying to, especially in therapy, I'm trying

to learn how to detach myself from it and learn that it doesn't really you know me it's not a part of me and it doesn't make me who I am um and I'm also trying to learn how to forgive so um yeah thank you no I I appreciate that I think so many women it's like it's an ongoing journey and we talked about social media and obviously with your mental health like has anyone ever suggested that you step away from social to preserve your well-being oh my god yes I've gone on a lot of breaks um the problem is is that like I'm a teenage girl and I don't want to get off social media. And I also care too much about what people say. And so even though I know it's going to hurt me from reading comments online and scrolling until I find a negative one.

Because that's what I do for some reason. I'll just keep scrolling until I see a hate comment. And then I'll keep scrolling until I see more. But it's like, I don't know I just have a problem and you know my team suggests it all the time and even like my friends and I know it's best for me but I feel like sometimes I'll freak out more if I don't know what's being said about me so it's just it's just, it's a hard thing. In June of this year, you lost your close friend and fellow TikTok star, Cooper Noriega. He lost his life. First of all, I just want to say I'm so sorry. In what ways has losing your best friend affected your life? Um, I feel like this was just something that I

couldn't really ever comprehend. And, um, you know, I feel like I don't really, I don't really have like close family. I'm not that close with my family. And I, I'm just like alone out here. And like, family I'm not that close with my family and I I'm just like alone out here and like all I really had was Cooper and he was like a brother to me and my um my best friend ever like a twin flame like I believe that you have like multiple soulmates in your life and I feel like he was like my platonic soulmate like 100% like me um as you know a boy and um I never had anyone understand me the way that he did so this kid struggled you know just as much as I did maybe even more and I knew that and I felt like as long as I knew him it was an ongoing battle to keep him here

and to make sure that he was safe and drug addiction is just something that's so scary you know I felt like everyone just did as much as they could but I never thought that this day would that day would ever come and I was you know it just sucked because I just, like, remember, like, waking up, like, from a text from him that day. And, um, I didn't want to believe it. Like, I couldn't, I, I, I lost myself. Like, I, it, I lost myself completely. Like, I was destroyed. Because there was never a thought in my brain

that I would ever have to live a single day without him, you know? I never thought that there would be a day where I didn't even text him, you know, or not see him. And up until that point, too, like, we were spending every day with each other. Like, so, and then I think, like, you know, it just got really hard. And it was just, like, a very big, like, tragic thing for everyone, very unexpected, I think. You know, we all knew he was struggling a lot more than before but I didn't ever think that he would you know leave I really I told anyone this

um but like we openly talked about you know how much we struggled here on this earth in our mental health so much you know we both like when we were you know suicidal or you know struggled with anything like that it was like each other that like we would like you know have to like make us like feel like we need to be here. And we were like this. And so it's like if one of us was going out like we were going out together, that's just like, that's how it was in my head. And so when he was gone, I was just like, I don't know how I could live.

It was very hard. How has the grieving process been for you? I mean like for the first like week I didn't wasn't on my phone my phone was shut off. It was like you know kind of like mute at some points. Dying like on suicide watch it was terrible um grieving is such a crazy thing and I you know I dealt with the you know losing people in my life but never the closest or the only person that I had um and it's just something that you can't really fathom until you're in it and I didn't't know what I was doing. And I was struggling so much already because I just went through, like, a breakup. And so it was just, like, it was really weird for me.

It felt like my entire life just, like, flipped upside down, and I was just, like, I was just, like, falling apart. And I just was, I was grieving and trying to deal with all my emotions um alone because that's the only way I knew how to and I didn't really want to talk about it with anyone because it made it more real to me um and it was just like really hard for me to, like, just open up about. So I was dealing with it alone. And at the same time, too, like, my best friend Sabrina, I was just trying to be strong for her and strong for, you know,

his family and, like, everyone. That I was just dealing with everything by myself, and it ate me alive. And that's why I ended up getting admitted actually into mental hospital and the first one since I've um been in like since like when I was 14 so it's pretty scary did you go into the treatment center because of everything and that happened with Cooper? Yeah. Um, I, um, I just broke, I lost control fully. Um, and, um, I had, um, a suicide attempt. I was taking Xanax for my anxiety and to like fly and all that stuff. So I was on that, and, um, when you take an excessive amount of that, which I never had before, um, it, it just, like, turns you into someone that you're not, and, uh,

I just, I, I just, like, went into my car, I think, and, um, I don't remember anything, but from what I was told, I was planning on driving off of a cliff while I overdosed, and, um, I think as soon as I started backing out, Bree and Sabrina just, like, pulled up, like, like, right by my car, and they got me to get out, and all that stuff, and, uh, and, yeah, like, the next day, I, uh, just, like, I think, opened up, and was, like, kind of, like, vulnerable and honest for the first time, and I just, like, cried, and I and I was like I'm so scared and um we just called the ambulance and um I got help and thank god you're here again it's kind of like you've become so open that I feel like you've completely knocked all the shame away from just talking about these things that people would look at someone and maybe think a different way even a couple years ago.

What are you doing to try to find a reason to live right now? It puts you in a perspective that's so interesting because you just realize how much you've taken for granted the fresh air and walking on the ground is just so and being outside is just so like comforting and like amazing that I you know I was excited that I got you know a second chance and I just convinced myself and especially after Cooper like I've just gotten like I've developed so much chance, and I just convinced myself, and especially after Cooper, like, I've just gotten, like, I've developed so much, like, faith, and I've become religious out of nowhere, um, that I was just, like, God must want me here for a reason, you know, um, I was, like, there's

no way that, like, I'm just not gone yet, so I, you know, I have to do something, and I just also realized that, like, I just have such strong sympathy for everyone that struggles mentally and goes through hard times that like I don't want to leave at all because I want to be here in order to like make an impact for those struggling and I feel like um I still have just like, so much to do, and I want to live for Cooper, and, you know, I just see life so differently now, and I feel like now, and the first time in forever, I've been open to, like, taking getting help seriously, and I've just, like, gone through waves where I, you know you know I hit rock bottom and then I get help

and then as soon as I start feeling good again like I stop because I think I'm fine um but it's like not true and I just realized it's all about like maintenance and like the upkeep and not like I just have to continue going and so yeah and I've also been like so anti-med that like now I'm like on a mood stabilizer which is like I feel like it's working that's like another thing I commend you for there's so much stigma around medication and I think like you just saying like everyone it's almost like therapy it's like you can't be told to do something unless until you're ready to do it. And yeah, I also think I would just like to say that you said, you know, maybe you can help people.

I feel like you're really doing that through your music. And I think it's really cool that you are talking about mental health. And I am so excited for your album to come out because I am a huge fan of your music. Talk to me about your album, the process, the songs. Tell me everything. Yeah, my album's called Young Forever. And I haven't really been religious, but Cooper has really helped me find God and learn anything like that.

But at the time, and it's just like it's weird after that. It's about heaven. There's a you know, about, like, you know, heaven, like, there's a lot of, like, things that come into play, um, with faith and, like, religion with my album, but at the time, it was, like, I was living in hell when I wrote my album that I fantasized about heaven so much that that's what it was about, and now, like, with, you know, it's just, like, really weird, and I, like, wrote Die First, um, about, it's such a special song for me, and at the time, it was, like, about, um, my mom and Cooper, um, but it never, I'll, like, like, I never, like like publicly said that it was about Cooper because I didn't want to think about it but the people closest around me knew

and um Cooper knew do you think you're gonna ever be able to perform it yeah I mean I have to soon and I'm gonna make it a special moment because it has to be, you know. But I can't really imagine me performing without, like, choking up and, like, bawling my eyes out. But also at this point, it's like if you're a fan of my music and you're a fan of me and you're there, it's like, what else to expect? That's what I feel like you can be rest assured that every single person wherever you're singing is going to help you sing it because they're going to know the significance of that song and who it's for and that is so fucking powerful how do you feel about being this like new rising artist and having all this exciting success around your talent right now um it's very surreal for me I feel like I have like really bad imposter

syndrome so I almost sometimes like detach like um me as like Nessa you know like from Nessa and it I I don't know I'm just like I get so overwhelmed with the amount of love and support. But also, I couldn't really care less if one person listens to my song or one million. So as long as there's one person out there that relates. But it's just so unreal to think about. and I'm just like really excited because it's like my dream you know I can't thank you enough for coming on Nessa I've had the pleasure of listening to your music and watching you on social media but I can genuinely say sitting down with you

you are such a unique kind soul and it's really cool to get to sit with you because I truly know you're going to do so many incredible things and I I can't wait to see it because you deserve to be here and you should be here and I hope you are you are loved by so many people so thank you for coming on call her daddy thank you so much this is so amazing