Call Her Daddy - Nicole Byer

Episode Date: March 30, 2022

This week, Father Cooper sits down with comedian Nicole Byer. Alex and Nicole discuss the struggles of online dating and break down each of the dating apps. We all love a little positive reinforcement in the bedroom right? C’mon men, we need some moans! The duo discusses strategies to elicit verbal feedback from men during sex. While playing never have I ever, we learn that Alex had a sugar daddy, Nicole has fucked more than one person in 24 hours, and both have filmed themselves during sex. Nicole also shares some insight on the newest and hottest vibrator…a Theragun! Sometimes the pussy just needs a real pounding. Alex and Nicole provide the Daddy Gang with solid advice on fucking your gym trainer, giant dicks, nude etiquette, sexting and more. Enjoy!

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Welcome. So, this is my dog, just in case it moves. Your dog? Yeah. He loves a bag. Wait, is there a dog in there?

Dude, what the fuck? What? He loves a bag. Wait, is there a dog in there? Dude. What the fuck? What? I just didn't want it to move and you'd be like, what is in there? But he, like, loves a bag and he's really quiet. Oh, my God. What's his name? Clyde.

Wait, Clyde can come out if you want him to. He can say. Oh, he can? Oh, my. What do you care? Clyde. Oh, my God. Can I take a picture of that? Dude.

Nicole, this is iconic. Okay, what kind of dog is that? I think he's a Papillon Chihuahua mix. I'm, like, crying. I'm, like, I think this is, like, what I needed today. I had, like, the most intense emotional therapy session this morning, so I was so excited to, like, laugh and have fun. And I'm, like, what time do you do therapy?

9.15 in the morning. Why? It's the worst thing that I could have ever done to myself. It's so bad. I regret it every day of my life. It's hard for me to talk about my feelings and then like go to work. And I've done that before, like in the middle of a shoot day. I'm like, I know we have lunch at this time because this was crew call.

I can do therapy. And then you do it. And then it's like, okay know we have lunch at this time because this was crew call. I can do therapy. And then you do it. And then it's like, okay, back to being funny. So what have you done today so far? Today, I was supposed to have a personal training session at nine. I had one two days ago. I woke up and I was like, still kind of sore. So I texted him and I was like, sorry, Ben.

I'm not doing it today. And he was like, Nicole. And I was like, my abs hurt. Yes. not doing it today. And he was like, Nicole. And I was like, my abs hurt. Yes. I did a lot of dead lifting. I'm tired. So you just relaxed. Yeah.

So I went back to sleep until 1030. Oh, love that. Which is delightful to just sleep in. That's right. When I was like tears, you were just you were like being during therapy. And I'm like, we're on different wavelengths today, which is fucking great. Okay. I usually do my interviews always Wednesday noon.

And last guest I have, I offered them a drink. They were down. Would you like to go make a drink? Go make a drink? An alcoholic? An alcoholic drink. Yes. You want to go?

Sure. An alcoholic? An alcoholic drink. Yes! You wanna go? Sure! So we're just like kind of vlog podcasting. Okay, I love this. It's a new, I'm- It's a new experience. We're trying it. We have tequila, we have vodka. I'm a vodka gal. Okay, love that.

Come on, Clyde. Okay, I'm into tequila. Ooh, maybe I I need tequila. Maybe I should do tequila. It's an upper. Like, I'll just do a little vodka, a little tequila. And like some Nicole. Imagine if that's not for me. I can't be mixing.

You're the first person I've ever podcasted with that I've made a drink with. Oh, really? So we're like doing a lot today. Mamas. Wait, where's Clyde? He's in his bag. Dude, is that like too much tequila?

That's... No, it's not, it's Clyde? Dude, is that like too much tequila? No, it's not. It's fine. Okay. I mean, it's fucking strong. That'll do it. It's good. Okay, let's go.

Let's go back. Let's fucking podcast. Here we go. Okay, so if God forbid we lost all the footage downstairs, let's everyone can you imagine what did you put in your drink a little bit of vodka topo chico ice cubes a splash of crayon and then half of a lemon so good it's really refreshing okay i did tequila, Topo Chico, and a little pineapple. Okay. It's quenching my thirst. I feel like we're doing an ad.

Alcohol. Happy to be here. Okay, so Nicole walks in, and then you brought two bags. We got the Gucci, which we'll get to, but... Oh, my God. Oh, my God. got the gucci which we'll get to but um we have our first live dog ever on a call her daddy said this is iconic this is clyde oh we just went back into the bag he said no thank you to life which is what happens sometimes when i wake up you know unsubscribe I don't want to be here and I'll

roll right over and go back to sleep I cannot believe he did that that's so funny like mother like son okay so Clyde is in your bag should we go through our bags do you care I don't care okay let's do it okay this is people are like Gucci it's the cheapest one they make no it's cute truly the cheapest one i have my joke notebook oh nice um i have a portrait of myself breathe the costume run nailed its daughter made for me pepper very cute my sunglasses case love that uh a mask a wallet oh what is this so straight up trash oh i left this note on the door for the fucking ups man i was like for my signature sign for me please but i spelt sign wrong it says sing you like hear the ups man singing i cracked my tooth is that your tooth dinner and i just haven't cleaned my purse out for like three months

so it's still in here oh money we just casually went past it nicole has a fucking tooth in her purse bro it's been in my purse since like december i cracked my i was at dinner with echo kellum who's on um Crew with me, this NBC show that I think is really funny and people should watch. And we were at dinner and Gracie, who's also on the show, we were talking, they were talking about something and I bit into a french fry. The softest piece of food you can have. Right. I felt like, and I was like, and then I was chewing. I was like, that's hard. And then as they were talking, I just kind of spit it out. And I was like, that's my tooth. And with like, I didn't stop the conversation. I was chewing it. I was like, that's hard. And then as they were talking, I just kind of spit it out. And I was like, that's my tooth.

And I didn't stop the conversation. I just put it in my bra and kept talking. Because I was like, I don't know. How do you stop the conversation? Be like, your teeth are falling out. I was like, my teeth are falling out of my fucking head. So then I called my best friends this year when I got in the car. I was like, my teeth.

They're like, it's in my bra. Yeah. And then when I got home, I was like, oh, I'll keep it safe in like a Ziploc bag. So like when they ask for it to glue it back to my fucking head, I'll have it. But I went to the dentist. Nobody ever asked for it. So it's just been in my purse. That is messy. I'm not even going to show what's in my bag.

Took the cake on best fucking opening purse. We have a dog. We have a tooth. That's a great way to start a fucking podcast. Thank you for sharing. Just a bunch of trash. You're welcome. The fact, I know what you're talking about, though.

When something awkward happens, and you're in that conversation, and you're like, there's no right way to address what just happened, which is my tooth is out. So I'm going to tuck that in my titties, and we will address this later. Yeah. And I only told them about it like, I don't know, a week and a half ago And they were like, you broke your tooth that night? You didn't say one word And I was like, it didn't hurt

It didn't hurt at all Oop, there he is There he's back Hi, Clyde Okay, so you have How many podcasts do you have? Right now, I have four How does one mentally stay sane and have four podcasts?

So one of the tricks is like two of them talk about something. So it's like a built in thing. So like one is 90 Day Fiance. One is me and Lauren Lapkus going through things we don't like. We're doing the Marvel Cinematic Universe right now. The other one is Why Won't You Date Me where we talk about love. So that's like built in. And then the other one, Best Friends with Sash me where we talk about love so that's like built in and then the other one best friends with sashir zameda she's like my best friend i can't believe

i just fumbled her name like that you want to try again sashir zameda and that's like just about friendship and shit and it's just like we just started talking and it just goes anywhere. So it's like easy. Okay. So your podcast, Why Won't You Date Me? Yes. To confirm, are you single? Yes. Okay. Are you dating? You know, I'm tired.

So I was like in the thick of it. And like right after I got vaccinated, I was like, yes, it's the roaring 20s. It's not. It's not it's not people were like free and excited for like a hot second and then Omicron was like hello and I was like oh we go back inside for a little bit I don't fucking know so now people are just like not looking for a relationship I'm looking to fuck until the next variant when did you first realize you were great at making people laugh I guess when I was a kid, my grandmother, she was from Barbados. And instead of being like, you make me laugh, she'd be like, oh, you tickle me.

And I'd be like, oh, I want her to say that again. So I would keep trying to make her laugh. So she'd be like, oh, you tickle me. So when I was a kid. And then she'd be like, oh, Nicole's putting on a show. Did you ever have comedy to the point where you were getting in trouble in school or no? Oh, yeah. I have ADHD.

So like I would just be very distracted and I would finish my work very fast and I'd be like, can we talk, you know, woman to woman? Like, well, these kids are stupid, right? Like they're not good at anything. And my teachers would be like, she doesn't pay attention and we don't know how to make her pay attention. And I was like, I don't know if we had learned tools about what little girls are like with ADHD we're like flighty talkative annoying no no but I get what you're saying like when you're younger you don't know how to like holster that energy and like people

look at you like hon it's like yeah just learn how to teach me in the way that I have ADHD help me it would have been nicer I would have had a nicer time at school I had one teacher who used to just send me out of the classroom my mother worked in the school she'd be like go find your mom and don't come back without her so then I just like roam the hallways being like where is she and she's like oh he got sent out again I'm like yeah I was just tickling the people mom don't be mad at me um okay so for dating well first of all obviously your podcast is called why won't they date you have you figured out that answer yet where we are we on that? Oh, yeah, I'm a lot. I'm a lot to take in. I'm a lot to handle. I'm also a very specific type of person.

I'm black, I'm fat. I'm loud. I'm successful. That's a lot for a man to be like, I accept all of like, it's like, not only am I successful, but I'm also, like, I stick out without saying anything. How the fuck can I pretend to be anybody else? I'm only getting older, and I'm getting more tired. I'm withering away. Truly, just, I'm so old. So you're kind of like,

I don't have time for it, like, except you're like, bye, can't, like, go to the next. Yeah, if you don't like it, then we gotta, like, go to the next. I love that energy. Unless that dick game good. Then we could, you know, have a conversation. Say, what, you want me to be a little quieter? I could be quiet.

You shove it in my mouth and I shut up. You do that? Dude. Okay, that is a good compromise. So you found your boundaries, essentially. I'm a lot, but I can reel it in if the dick proves to be worth. Also, it's just like the dick has to be attached to like a nice person. Yeah, yeah. Oh, right.

They're more than a dick. I didn't realize. Do you have a type? I don't think I have a type. But if we look at the people I've dated for more than like a week or two there's a type what kind of type a little nerdy little tall uh glasses oh i like that though like the little nerdy boys it's a trend i guess so i don't know i just can't fathom being with like a very muscly person i agree with you in the sense of like I know seeing when men have so much muscle I all my brain goes to and I know this is probably rude but I'm

like what is that that's what they do with their time like do you have a job uh-huh like do you put your like physique before everything you have interest are you on steroids are you gonna hurt me do you know What is your biggest turn on Personality wise When you're dating someone? I like when someone Can laugh at my jokes

And I like it when someone Has jokes of their own And it's not like a competition I've been out with dudes Where like I'll say something And they'll laugh And then they'll say something

And I'll laugh And I'll like build on it And then they're like I didn't want you To be funnier than me. I wanted to be the funny one. And I'm like, oh boy, is this going to be an issue? Bye bye. I realized for myself, like I can be loud.

And I really, it took me a long time to realize like I cannot date the loudest person in the room because sometimes I am. And I don't want to be competing with myself. And I'm always going to win. Wait, are you dating someone? I am. Are you married? No. how long has it been it's crazy because i've never been like a i've not had a lot of long relationships because i i've got like i'm like you like i got a lot of shit that i'm

doing and i'm priority and like if they are not perfect like i can't waste my time kind of not that they have to be perfect but you know no. It's just like things have to be right. Right. It has to feel good. Yes. And so I always went for a specific type of guy. And for the first time, I kind of ventured out a little bit to a man that's like successful, but like a little more chill.

And it's working. He's so supportive of my career. That is like the hottest thing a guy can do for you. Yes. Right? Yes. And not be intimidated. And not be intimidated and not be jealous and not bring up their shortcomings because it's like oh so you're proud of me but

then you're gonna bring up this other thing that like is happening to you and it's like so you're not actually proud of me you're just saying it so you can pivot projecting your insecurities on me and it's like i don't want that bro we can both exist yeah we can both exist and you could be in a low and i could be in a high and then i could be in a low and you can be in a high. And it's just a fucking roller coaster of life. It is. What is the most ridiculous excuse someone has given you as to why they were not interested in another date and then vice versa?

Let's see. The most ridiculous excuse I've gotten. More and more is being revealed as this dog comes out. Now I'm seeing like the bowtie dude oh he also has a purple tail I don't know if you can see it Clyde I can see it all oh Clyde yeah uh he's like okay I'm chill now yeah he's he's such a good boy okay excuses you did to basically not go back out with someone and someone that's

given it to you men have been rather up front with me where they're like you know I just really don't see this like working out I think you're too busy or whatever and I'm like you know what I am too busy and okay I don't give excuses the last date I went on where I was like oh this isn't good for me I was like hey I didn't feel a spark and uh I really wish you the best and he went fine and I was like okay fine fuck you you're like I mean more or less it was definitely like a big fuck you and I was like okay I actually like that you're up front because I would rather than just be like hey it's not yeah just tell me it's not working like you're not gonna hurt feelings. There's a million other people in the world, especially after like three dates where I don't fucking know you. It's like, just be like, oh, you're not who I thought you'd be.

I went on a date with this dude who was like, just so you know, I have no idea who you are. And I was like, seems like you do. Seems like if you have to tell me you don't know me, you know me. Then he got very, very drunk. And then he was like, I watched an interview you did on Conan. And I was like, oh, I thought you didn't know who I am. He's like, I don't. And I was like, huh.

And he was like, my roommates know who you are. Don't talk about me on your podcast. And I was like, well, now I'm going to have to. What do you think he was insinuating? I don't know who you are, Nicole. I think it was one of those things where he was like, you're successful and I'm going to make you feel bad about it. The penis truly shrivels past a micro when they do that.

You're like, you're so pathetic. Yeah, I just kept blinking. And then I was like, do you want to go to my house? Like truly, he was like like I'm a literal red flag built in a factory who's come to life as a man and I was like great come to my house you're like do you want to fuck yeah I just told you I basically hate you you're like perfect do you want to get out of here come on and then like that though when a guy is kind of like that no you're just like enjoying no I was truly like we've been out for a while i've

invested some time maybe maybe this sex won't be fucking trash and might as well see it was trash also we got in my hot tub and i this is all so we get to the hot tub and the light's not working in it and i was like let's get in it anyway he was like okay and i was like what is that in the hot tub is that a bird or no i was like is that a bat i thought there was a dead bat in my hot tub and i was like that's fine palmed it threw it out and we got in the hot tub and then the next morning it was definitely a dead bird you're so casual you're like let's get in the hot tub i'll do anything to get in this hot truly i was like i will get rabies as long as i get fucked and the next morning sober i was like what are you doing my friend you just took it to a whole new level where like yeah there was a dead bird i palmed it just so i could get this pussy fucked

yeah and it went good so it wasn't bad no it wasn't good oh it wasn't good so it was bad so you palmed a bird for bad sex yeah regrets you know when you phrase it like that wow wow damn nicole you really did some nasty for not great nasty okay that's um thank you for sharing that story that's actually quite are you currently on dating apps okay what are your thoughts on the dating apps right now they're not good can you not be so loud Clyde's like oh hi this is a podcast Clyde's like we're getting in the to the dating apps I've seen my mom on those things they're awful they're bad i will it's like nice that you can connect with

people that you wouldn't normally connect with but like everyone's really poorly behaved they're i don't like them i hate bumble especially tinder's like fine hinge i've had the most success on riot is for australian ds and very pretty people. Coffee Meets Bagels, literally insane. You have to get beans to then spend it on bagels, and people are bagels. It's like a game, and it doesn't make sense. OkCupid's full of fucking weirdos. I was rejected from eHarmony.

Wait, why? They said I was part of the 2% of unmatchable people. It's a long little fucking quiz they give you. Or interview? I don't know. But they kept asking if I liked horses. They asked it in three different iterations, so I just answered differently. When they repeat questions, and I guess that makes you a sociopath. Dude, you're like, stop trying to force horses on me.

Fucking. Wow. It was so bizarre. I'm surprised you said you like Tinder. I like Tinder. I didn't like it. You like dick pics. No, I'm just kidding. I mean surprised you said you like Tinder. I like Tinder. You like dick pics. No, I'm just kidding. I mean, if you want to send me your dick, I like to see what I'm working with first.

No, I think I like Tinder because people are more upfront on Tinder. They're like, oh, I'm not looking for anything. I'm looking for, you know, a hookup. Or they're like, I'm ethically non-monogamous and i have a partner and i'm just looking to fuck and i'm like no offense but like the ugliest people are non-monogamous and i'm like you look like a sad clown with your weird brillo pad looking hair and then you're like strange looking partner and it's like why do you get to fuck so much this isn't fair okay if you have to marry fuck kill yes tinder hinge bumble married mary hinge fuck tinder kill bumble i just want to get fucked i just want to be deep dicked so well that like i like getting

fucked stupid do you know what i mean yeah like you want to just be like what the fuck just happened yeah like who am i where am i do you tell people that not obviously you're not saying on the dating app Like hey I want to get ticked down you ready But do you what do you say if people are like You're never like what are you looking for Are you saying that No so my hard fast rule Is like I'm not trying to get to know you over

Texting That's weird you might text really great Or you might be really bad at texting so i'm like two interactions three interactions and like ask me out if you're not asking me out i'm moving along you got to get off the app i feel like as fast as possible like the vibe if you're down but then like get the fuck off the app yes have you ever had someone that's a super good texter and you meet in person and you're like, whoa. Yes. There was this one guy who he kind of looked like a gnome. Like he had walked off someone's lawn into the bar.

He like was wearing these suspenders. He was little. And I love a short king. Don't get me wrong. And he was like very cute, round in the face. I'm round in the face. I was like, this is great. And he was such a good

texter. But then in person, it was like really hard to talk to him. Yeah, he was like very, very boring. And on that day, he had gone to the bathroom and I went to the bar to get more drinks. And the bartender was like, how is your night going? And I said, awful. I'm on an awful date. And he went, that's good. And then he went, wait, what? And I repeated it. He laughed really hard. He was like, nobody's ever that honest. And then he kept bringing drinks and i repeated it he laughed really hard he was like nobody's ever that honest and then he kept bringing drinks over and the guy was like oh do you know the bartender i was like yeah it's my best fucking friend you know wow so the gnome and you didn't work out no he had to go back to the garden what is your best piece of dating advice don't dim your light for anybody don't like yeah be smaller than you are just because you're like scared of outshining somebody because whoever likes you for you is for you and if they like this

thing you've made up that's a really hard thing to keep up exhausting you know you're gonna just be so tired dude i used to do kind of that when i was younger like i was like a chameleon i was like i can tell what this person wants and i'm gonna give it to them and you're also a mature and you're just trying to like connect but god damn I'd be on date five and be like do you want to go to that EDM concert and I'm like fuck I forgot I lied that I like EDM I don't know what fucking EDM or whatever you call it and you get so deep in that lie that then you aren't yourself and then you have to end it even though you're like I probably would have liked him if I was myself yeah because there's one thing being like I love EDM oh my god just like lasers I don't I also don't know I think at concerts maybe there's

lasers I don't know I don't know either but like it's another thing to be like I don't know EDM but I'm happy to like share that with you if you want to take me and teach me health and wellness right I mean this is a lot of fucking therapy that I've gone through we're going we're slowly going downhill the liquor's hitting. We're like, it's just so hard when you're lying about yourself to yourself and then also your partner and things just get dark. Anyways, do you have light guidelines of how long you tell yourself you will wait to fuck someone or hook up?

Emphasis on the light guideline and what you tell yourself. I like to fuck on that first date get it in there i mean kind of because then it's like okay we had a good first date and then we wait and then we wait and then we wait and then like what if it's bad and i mean for some people sex is not important and that's like good for you but it's important to me and i mean i waited once six whole dates six whole days a month no never no six whole dates which was like i guess two weeks because we were like pretty fast and furious and then like it was bad it's like we just really had no chemistry even kissing and like that i was like oh no i've wasted six dates six whole dates i'm also still single

so like i'm so single you're like so everything i'm saying did the opposite just in case so yeah truly someone's taking notes they're like okay so wait for six weeks no but i think it's good too because like you've clearly you've such a formula for yourself like you know what fucking works everyone's got their preference and i think that it's good to because like you've clearly you've such a formula for yourself. Like, you know, it fucking works. Everyone's got their preference. And I think that it's good to hear from you, though. Like, ladies, if you're fucking listening, get out there and fuck. Yeah. And I also think there's like no hard rules.

It's like whatever fucking works for you works for you. It might not work for somebody else. Also, relationships are hard. I feel like sometimes people are like, they're so easy. And I'm like, lies, lies. It's friendships are hard hard it's hard to have like to like keep up with friendships sometimes so like someone that you're who is your friend because whoever you date should be your friend and then you're gonna add sex on top of that and

then expectations because they're more than a friend like that's hard and yes and boundaries and being like I want this from you i don't want like relationships i think are really hard they're so hard and that's such a good topic just of like how underrated and i always feel bad like i have girls right into me always like yo like i'm feeling like fucking shit because like all my friends are in relationships and i'm single and like i can't help but like obviously i'm happy for them but i'm having a little hard time being fully happy because i'm like fuck you guys but it's like when everyone goes through the single phase and you fucking feel it when you're in that single phase and it's like it's it's no one talks about like you should be at times fucking depressed when you're dating because it's like yes it can

make you feel like shit about yourself soul sucking and not in the good way not in the good way but I'm sure it makes for good content sometimes some I have literally um like been driving to a date and like looked at the heavens and been like I don't want a story I just want to meet someone nice and then he'll be like I drove a scooter here and scoot away from me and I'm like well okay that's my next stand up so I gotta go all right you know I can't have anything nice dude that's actually so fucking sad I felt that in the beginning of Call Her Daddy some of these dates i'd be like man you know the first like 20 episodes of color daddy i was like i'm popping off with this content and then i was like it would be cool to have just like one good one yeah you know just one nice date where the person was like fucking normal and

you're like well that's not in the cards for me then the gnome and the scooter showed up and that was fucking shit what is your vocal level in the bedroom and what do you like from a partner i don't think i'm like loud loud loud but i like to be like i'm enjoying myself if it's dead ass silent and it's just like i'm like oh no right are we all concentrating hard and it's not it's not that difficult I like to let my partner know that like I'm enjoying myself I like when I like when a guy moans if a guy

moans and it's like fuck yes and I'm like I'm doing this yes my pussy so tight he can't help himself but make noise it makes me so happy i love a vocal guy i agree like have you ever had a guy that's so quiet and would you ever say something to try to get him yeah i'd be like do you like this when he's gonna be like i've never had anyone nod their

head at me either it's like well you gotta wait till you're not facing them because they have to have an audible response give me the verbal cue because i can't if they're hitting him from behind you go you like this and he can't go he has to go yes yes yes it's nice yeah actually guys you heard it here first it's actually really really great advice nicole ignore everything else she said but this one we can go with say it while you're getting fucked from the back. Yes, because then whoever's back there has to say a word, because otherwise they're ignoring you, and it's like, excuse me? You back there?

And then if you're blowing someone, if you just look up at them and go, does that feel really good for you? They'll either nod, and then if they nod, they go, you could just go, yeah, how good does it feel? And then they'll be like, really, really good like keep telling me that and then you just have to coach somebody into what you like it's like you're the teacher and you got to just give them the prompts and just let the even if it's a one word answer that's that's a start rather than silence yes and then when someone goes i like that don't stop Don't you fucking dare do something.

Don't wiggle your hips. Nobody wants it. Nobody wants circles. I'm not a fucking holo. You were pounding me that way and I liked it. Don't. For whatever reason, I feel like whenever you go, don't stop. They're like, okay.

They get this confidence that they're like, oh, she likes it. And they go into a different rhythm. Yes, that's not it. This is painful now the jackhammer I went on a date once with this man who had really long fingernails and there was like dirt under them and he's like should we get out of here and the only thing I could think of was like he's gonna give me tetanus when he fingers me I was like I can't go anywhere with this man so I like I can't remember what I told him but I like lied oh I think I was like I have an early flight and he was like he got kind of like mad i was like i can't i didn't know how to be like you're going to make me sick in my pussy i do look at men's fingers you have to

if there's jagged edges that's gonna cut you up protect if there's dirt you're gonna get tetanus if they're long they might scratch you i had a dude scratch me then he went ew you got your period and i was like one you said ew two you did this you injured me you injured me carving hylogryphics in your fucking pussy and you're like you need to reel it in damn he cut you that bad uh-huh and had the audacity to blame it on Mother Nature. Ew. This is fucking human-inflicted, you asshole. It was rude.

Wow. Okay. Is there anything specific that you will not do in the bedroom? Oh, I mean, like, extreme stuff. Like, you can't shit on me. Also, no pee pee it just doesn't seem nice like you just wait there for it would you do it to them i mean yeah if someone was like can you pee on me i'd be like well we have to get in the shower i'm not like on my bed oh yeah i see on his bed in his bed and you're not sleeping

over i'm not sleeping over let it rip no because i feel like men don't do their sheets often enough and i feel like the next time i come over i'd be like is that the peace day from two years ago okay but that's good so you won't let someone pee on you no shitting on you thank you i think that's good it seems a little i mean not to not to yuck someone's yum. What an awful phrase. Not to like, kink shame. There we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's not for me.

Okay, I think that's very fair. Okay. Wait, what wouldn't you do in the bedroom? I think I went to an extreme and I can't. I'm like trying to figure something normal. No, no, you're like, did I take it too far? No, I would not like those things, like a gag in my mouth. Oh.

I can't. If it's a penis that's fine but an actual like thing that's like literally asphyxiating me like I don't like not being able to properly breathe so I think that's my line but I'm like pretty open I'm trying to think it's a hard it is like a hard question that I asked and I don't even know my own answer so what does that say about me I'm trying to think I think you could gag me because then i'd be like peace i can't talk right so i'll just think honestly that's kind of good too because if you have a new partner you can be like today it's your time to shine baby i'm gonna be mute you do your thing whatever you want would you be down

to have your partner like like a cuck holding situation would you watch them fuck another person in front of you or would that make you i think i would get upset because i'm like hey you've never done that with me yeah i think i would just like really bring it back to myself you're just like in the corner like like like sad emoji eyes like yeah fair would you have a threesome yeah i you have a threesome? Yeah, I would have a threesome. I think that sounds like a nice time. Although, like, I do think a foursome would be nicer because I think when three people get together,

there's always one who's like, when do I tag in? Excuse me. I think there's a Sex and the City episode where Charlotte has a threesome with the dude she's dating and then they just hook up and she's like trying to get in and she's like okay and you're literally like put me in coach put me in coach I'm ready I studied I studied I don't know sports I watched all the ports this morning I know exactly what I'm supposed to do and no one

wants me to do it yeah that that's actually fair like you can kind of you could be the odd man now and if there's four the other two people are going to be like, we might as well do something because they're fucking. You know? I actually agree. Okay, I want, what's your take on? I'm going to just randomly rattle off topics. Okay.

And just give me what comes to your head when you think of it. Gym selfies. Gym selfies. I mean, does anyone know you went to the gym if you don't take a selfie? It's like the tree falling in the woods. I used to, like, tweet about going to the gym if you don't take a selfie? It's like the tree falling in the woods. I used to like tweet about going to the gym just to be like, I went. Is everyone proud of me? I was there.

I did it. I did it. I talked about like missing personal training today. Just so you know, like I do move. Sometimes I move a lot. That's the first thing that came out of my mouth because I needed you to know where I'm at in my personal journey. What about ketamine? Ketamine? Special K special k fun k-hole sometimes you get in a k-hole and you dance in a corner and then your friends are like are you okay and you're like am i time of my life um unsolicited

nudes hey no we gotta ask before we send naked pictures of ourselves to people not everybody wants it but also sometimes it is funny when you get like a weird looking dick and you're like, oh, you, why are you so confident? Yeah. Like it almost makes you see them in a different light, good or bad. It's good to just get that out of the way. Yeah. I once got a dick pic.

He was like in a, I think a custodial closet. So there was like a mop next to it. And I was like, is this here for like, what, like a size a size reference like what is why is there a mop in the background of this I think I've like seen a picture of a guy like holding something like near oh my god like a remote next to his dick or like a Coke can to be like look how big this is but it's like you spent time with your dick out in your hand comparing it to things the thought of a guy doing that like makes me like like them less i don't know why that makes me cringe for them if they're like wait let me find something like small but big enough very funny to think about it is photos of men holding

fish that they caught you know i feel like a lot of people have issues with it but i'm like you're telling me up front that you like fishing i've never been fishing i don't plan on going fishing so like i think this is great you know you do you i probably won't go out with you it's great it gives you the contextual clues that this may not be the one yes that's actually really great 69ing 69ing i think i don't know sometimes I think It's more work Than you need to be doing Because it's like Okay so it's like You're gonna eat my pasty And I'm gonna suck your dick

And it's just At the same time But it's like Why are we trying To shorten it By killing two birds With one stone Yeah like

Let's just elongate Yeah And then there's something To just like Riding someone's face And not having to do any work That Amen Um Shower sex I've never there's something to just like riding someone's face and not having to do any work that amen um

shower sex i've never because it scares me because what if we slip what if we fall the phone's not near are we just gonna bleed out and die with shards of glass around us i did ask my friends this year i was like if i do end up having shower sex can can I have you on the phone? I'll mute you for a minute. Mute me. Like, whatever you want. Lower the volume. Well, I guess she can't mute me. Oh, yeah, because.

She'd have to be listening. I guess it'd be quieter than normal, but she'd have to listen to, like. For the scream. The scream, the glass breaking. I'm, like, really afraid of it. Like, imagine just, like, getting wrapped up in a shower curtain and rolling right out of the tub and you hit your head. Also, what a bad way to go because then they find you and you're exposed and it's just not cute.

I don't know. I think it's pretty funny. It's a funny way to die for yourself, but maybe for other people to find you. They're like, oh, God, I don't want to see her like this at the end. You know, it's a little like, oh, it's not great for all parties involved. What about monogamy? I'm for monogamy. I think there's something to be in a relationship with someone and then like fucking working

through problems and like, I don't know, being together and like that's your ride or die and you love them. I love that. I think that's cute and hot. I agree. Like it is a really cool bond that you only have a few times in your life. I agree. Yeah. Keeping is a really cool bond that you only have a few times in your life. I agree. Yeah.

Keeping possessions gifted by an ex. Yeah, you gave it to me. So why wouldn't I keep it? You said, here, that's for you. I unwrapped it. That's mine. You're going to take it back? Go fuck yourself.

What if you have a new partner? Would you still keep possessions from your ex? Are you? Yes. Like, what? OK, what is this person giving your ex? Are you? Yes. Like, what? Okay. What is this person giving me? Yes.

It's jewelry. I'm wearing it. It meant something when they gave it to me. And it's like a memory. But like, I'm with somebody new. So just like, understand that I had a life before you and I'll have a life after you. Okay. Never have I ever.

Okay. Every time you've done it, drink. So confused with never have I. I drink when I've done it. Every time you've done it, drink. So confused with Never Have I. I drink when I've done it or when I've not done it. You've done something that I hate. And I haven't read these yet because my team came up with these ones. So I'm not, this is not rigged. Okay.

I'm going to read these off. And if we've both done it, we drink and we tell the story with it. Okay. Yeah, now I'm going to think too much of it. Okay, Never Have I Ever had a sugar daddy. No. Well, this is like a half step like oh tell me about this i went on seeking arrangements back when i didn't have a job i was like i gotta get that cash like but i don't want to fuck for it so i thought there's always those like some you hear of like the the glory stories of like oh he would just give me all this money and i just had to send him pictures of my feet and like i'm like i gotta there's gotta be one out there for me so i

met this uh guy over the phone he was quite literally and this is not an exaggeration 80 years old all he wanted was companionship and he called i had like two phone conversations and i couldn't take it seriously i'm like expecting cash i'm like he's gonna fucking give me cash i lived in new york at the time he offered me a um a parking spot in this parking garage that he had a parking spot in and in New York though I was broke I'm like I'm broke have a car I didn't have a car but you could have rented that space out you should have accepted that space gone out with him once a week rented that parking spot out and that's cash for you especially if it was in a good location.

Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah. Hopefully it wasn't like Midtown. Okay. Cheated on a partner. Never have I ever cheated. No. Me either.

I don't think so. I just would. I tell people my business. If I cheated on someone, I'd be like, guess what I did? Ooh, I fucked somebody good last night. I'm really sorry. Yeah, I can't keep a secret. There.

Peed the bed as an adult oh yes yeah me too okay yeah it's not great yeah i just got too drunk like just absolutely annihilated and woke up and was like oh no dude it's so sad too because you're like alone with your thought of like uh-huh you know when you have those dreams and in your dream you're peeing and you release that's when mine came i was like in my dream i got to pee so bad and then it happened and then you wake yourself up and there i was just soiled and were you drunk though no see that's nicer that's nicer than it was a dream i was just so drunk that i blacked out and woke up and was like, oh, man. God, I feel awful about myself.

That's okay. Fucked more than one person in 24 hours. I don't know. I don't know if I paid enough attention to the time. Okay. There was like a week where I was just like very horny and I was talking to like four different dudes on Tinder and just aligned that one of them was free at like five and then the other was free at like 10 and I was like well might as well see this one at five and

then this other one at 10 and uh the one at five he was like he when he ate me out he like kicked his feet and I could see it in the mirror. Like, and I, wait, like, like he's like, his feet were hanging off the bed and he was just like, kicking her battery. And I was like, Oh no,

how do I tell him? He's got to go. But then I was like, I guess we'll just finish. And then the guy who came later was a DJ and he loved that purple devil emoji. These were two not great people. It's all right. It's all right people it's all right it's all right it's all right you knocked him out in 24 hours you saw the true colors so which one was better

uh the dj ironically enough was much better the dj yeah okay that is a fucking incredible filmed myself having sex do you ever worry it will come out no because my face isn't in it and if it does come out everyone could go wow look at her she's good at that i don't know i hope it doesn't um slept with a co-worker oh i mean i slept with somebody who I worked at a clothing store with. And then I feel like comedy is like incestuous. Yeah, I heard that. You kind of just kind of fuck everybody. Okay, would you rather?

You can take a minute to think about these. Would you rather date someone who refuses to kiss you or someone who refuses to give you oral sex oh no those are both so awful oh no my god oh what do i choose this is really awful and i don't know why you've done this i know i'm stressed for you really stressed out i don't know what i would and it's funny because it's like this is a game this isn't like my life. This isn't taking this seriously. This isn't a legal document I'm signing. I guess oral sex can go. Because like, I do love a kiss on the lips.

And that's nice. I agree with you. Like the day to day. Yeah. If you're doing that more, oral is amazing if they're good at it. Yes. So then maybe pick someone that's not good at so you can compromise of like oh i'm not missing out yeah there you go would you rather

cry every time you orgasm or fart every time you orgasm fart really i don't want to boo who true that might turn like that might give someone a complex to be like okay so you like come but then you're like crying i don't know if it's a little happiness. Yeah. Yeah. But if it's just like. And then it's over. Yeah.

Would you rather unknowingly marry your second cousin or unknowingly marry someone who has committed murder? Oh, okay. I think I would rather marry my cousin because, okay, sure, the genes are close. But, like, I don't know. We're two consenting adults. I think maybe we've, I don't know. Like, is it really that bad?

I don't know. This is going to be, like, the thing people pull from this. They're like, she said fuck your family. And I'm like, no, I didn't say that. I just don't want to marry a murderer. They don't hear the other side of it. And you're like, I think that you can marry your cousin. Yes.

Fucking sick, dude. OK, so to confirm, you would rather that over a murderer. Yeah, I don't want to marry a murderer. Fair. Would you rather be dumped on Valentine's Day or find out you had chlamydia? Oh, I think I'd rather find out I had chlamydia because, you know, the drugstore is still open on Valentine's Day and we could clean that right up. I agree. You pop the pill.

I've had it. It'll be all. A lot of people have had it. We need to normalize getting an STI. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. When did they rebrand? I just found out it's STI and not STD.

Gonorrhea was like, we need to change our image. Not a disease. We're an infection baby they're literally rebranding who rebranded it i don't know the doctors of america is that a thing i guess it's supposed to make us maybe feel better i think it yeah because it's like it's not a disease it's an infection it can go away it can go away some Some of them. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Would you rather never be able to watch porn again or never be able to use a vibrator while masturbating? Oh, watching porn.

Yeah. I love a vibrator. Ooh, we a Hitachi magic wand. Ooh. A Theragun. Ooh. Wait, you've used a Theragun on your pussy? Hell yeah, dude.

Sometimes you get so lonely that you're like, I need to be hurt. I fucking love a Theragun. You put it on the lowest setting, though, because if you do the highest setting, just straight out the gate, you might fucking pound your clit to outer space. But I do like a Theragun. The little one, not the big one. Because I have the big one And I'm like Would that like Cramp my hand

No I've used that one too But like No because I have done that too You just like Kind of turn it And it's Yeah it's great

I really like And then you have to Wash it before you Use it on your back Or someone else's back Next time That's fair Oh absolutely

Wow I never thought That would be insane If you were like This is not my pussy Yeah here you go For your back And your neck problems Yeah

Damn a Theragun Okay But also you know You have to wash all yours Of course Of course I'm just saying like Some

Yeah okay Okay Now my My trending is gonna be Alex doesn't wash her sex toys We're just fully Incriminating ourselves Here today

Oopsies Have you ever used An electric toothbrush On the back of it No Desperate times. And I will say, not bad. Really?

I don't know if it's got enough juice for me. It doesn't have enough juice, but when you're, I've been in hotels where I forgot, and you're just like, I don't want to do this with my hand. Fair. But then the next morning when I go to brush my teeth, I obviously go get a new toothbrush. Unless you're into that, you know? I mean, during sex, you probably taste yourself anyway. Wait, but you're using the back end.

You're not using the bristles. Because sometimes you're moving around a little bit. Oh, sure, sure, sure. Would you rather only be able to have missionary sex for the rest of your life or only be able to be fingered for the rest of your life i feel like that's easy it depends on the penis and it depends on the hand fair big meaty fingies that's nice that's true big meaty dick that's nice meaty dick tiny fingies i take the dick yeah you have to you have to look at the logistics that's actually a really interesting point because i know some guys

that are so good at fingering and not as good as the dick game yeah is that weird when when i've had a guy that was so good at fingering and i was like this sex is going to be fire and then we had sex and i was like go back to fingering me that was awful and like guys that can finger i think it's so hot uh-huh but i don't think I would take it over sex. I think it really depends. Yeah, you're right. You're right. Let's leave it at that.

Okay. Questions from my listeners. We call them the daddy gang. Okay. If you want to say, hey, daddy gang. Hey, daddy gang. Woo.

Okay. This girl wrote in and said, I have a crush on my gym trainer. Okay. I feel like he has a crush back, but I don't know for sure. We text all day and night. Is there a way I can figure out if he's feeling me too without coming out and saying it? Do I have to make the first move since it's his business?

Yeah, I do think you have to make the first move since it is his business. Because then he's like a little creepy and, why are you actually training? Is it to pick up women? And it will change your relationship and it will not be the same. But I do think there's something to just being like, let me just shoot my shot. Are you single?

And do you want to go out to dinner? And he's like, oh, oh, I thought we were just friends. And you're like, oh, my bad. And then get a new trainer. Yeah. And change gyms. Yeah. That's the only thing that does move to

a different state yes move get a new car who's your family you don't know okay next how fucked up is it to hook up with your stepbrother if your parents got married when you were both already in your 20s i mean again you're not related right you're going to go viral. Like, all of a sudden, everyone's like, she's going to incest. And it's like, no. Please listen to the questions. You're not related. You're two adults. Yeah.

Love is love, baby. Love is love. Love is blind. Literally. OK, how do I handle my boyfriend going to the strip clubs every weekend, even though he knows I hate strip clubs? Oh, well, that's disrespectful. I don't think you should, like, police what people do.

But if you have a voice that this makes me uncomfortable and I don't like it, and he's like, go fuck yourself, that's not the person for you. I agree. You got to get out. And it's not even an ultimatum. It's like, oh, I've asked you not to go, so, like, I don't know if this is working out for me. Just get out of it.

That's a great, great point. Okay, I've been seeing an amazing guy. Oh, congratsats but his dick oh no is huge oh and the sex is too painful i really like this guy but how can i have sex without feeling like i'm going to rip in half oh sweetie so this girl was like, how do I brag today? How do I make other people feel bad? I know. I'll type up an email about this big old dick splitting me in half. Bitch, count your blessings.

No, I'm kidding. You're like, send him my way, bitch. Truly. Send him to my beautiful giant pussy. No, I think there's certain positions that are better for a bigger partner. So it's like, try those positions. Yeah. And if none of them work, that can't be it.

We need a little tip to the mid-action, and you got to just. And also communicate. If he's thrusting too hard, just be like, hey, do you mind not doing it so hard? Yeah, just talk. Talk to him. I agree. Talk it through. Talk it out.

But he might start crying, because this might be an actual issue for him or he's like i'm just too big for everybody i'm a giant i'm too big for this world but you've heard it here first nicole is willing to take your problem off your hand i absolutely will send my way please all of a sudden you call me like i'm no longer single not single that big man. He's now mine. Okay. I know you said if a guy doesn't respond to a nude, that's bad. But where is this going? But what if he responds with a photo of himself just smiling with no words?

What are your thoughts i mean i know you said if he doesn't respond to a nude that's bad you that's so funny that you this person inherently didn't know that right because if i sent a nude to someone and they didn't respond i would lose my mind i once sent like a like a picture of like my titty out and these like jammies i was wearing um and they wrote they wrote back, ha ha ha. And I was like, so I jump out the window now. He was like, the picture's live. You're making a noise. So I was going, but had he not said that, he'd just left it at ha ha ha. I lit, I wouldn't be here today. Um, but dude, I'm sorry sorry a live photo a nude photo is the scariest potential for what could have like the fact that that was the offense you're so lucky that you're like oh you're like hyping yourself up yeah can you imagine if something else is happening like she's farting she's like

like so disgusting like um ladies please don't send A live nude photo Check that shit twice But if someone sent you a smiling like I would be like You gotta elaborate Like is this Do you like it? What are we doing? You know what you could do? You could double tap the picture And put the question mark

That's good but honestly that might just be An indication that like that's not the person for you. That's a very strange response. That's a little serial killer vibe. Oh, wait. Maybe they're trying to be cute to be like, I like that nude. You're not getting one from me. I don't.

I would ask. I would be like, what is this? I literally could be like, ha ha ha, what? Question mark. Like, I think you can straight up call it out because you just sent something fire that deserves like at least two sentences or some fire emojis or something yeah like oh that's hot yeah okay what is your opinion on dating someone with different political views is it possible to date someone like that or no should I be like can you still fuck me, but also just shut the fuck up? I mean, I think long term it's not great. I think it's like you're just going to I think as you get older, you get more involved politically.

And it's just like, do you want to continue to have these conversations where you just argue or whatever? But I did fuck a Trump supporter once because he lived in North Hollywood and I had a drive for so long. And we were in his lukewarm hot tub and he was like Trump's a good businessman I was like if you shut up I will fuck you honestly he also was a big old red flag he had an iguana in his room a red light and his mattress on the floor and I still fucked him which is like not a great message to send to him you rewarded him for his bad bad bad behavior if an iguana is in the room and he's like trump you're like that's it that is not even a red flag that is just like a no-go but you know what you just

had driven yeah i mean gas prices are up so this was years ago where i was like pennies on the dollar to get gas it was like we'll pay you to take the gas and i was like oh my god i was in my car for more than 25 minutes I gotta fuck him I would have a hard time if he's wearing a make America great again hat I don't know if my pussy could even get wet but I do think I do think if it's really I agree with you if it's really early and you're like I'm not gonna fucking marry this dude Whatever he's hot the dicks big let's go fair Yes

But to date someone because what ends up happening is you're gonna meet their parents and the families and you're gonna meet the cousin then you have to like compromise and be like i'm okay with like bigotry or like whatever said behind their closed doors and there is like a difference between being like maybe like a democrat who's conservative or republican who's like conservative who's not like super right-leaning yeah i think that's okay okay one of the last ones hello father i'm in a new relationship and things have been quite steamy lately currently what is your go-to sext oh god oh

i don't know i've sent this to several people. It's like, did you have a good night? Did you dream about my big black pussy? Which is not for everybody. That's not a text everybody can send, you know? Every Daddy Gang member is about to send that sex. And they're like, well, Nicole told us. Have you gotten good responses?

I would say 75% of the time it's been a good response. I like that, though, because one, if you fucked and you can have a sense of humor the next day, instead of being like, hey, what did you think about last night? It's like, no, we're not doing that. It's kind of comedy while you're keeping it light and you're being the one to address, like, you were inside me, let's go. I had a great time. I hope you thought about it after.

I did that, too. I've never dated anyone who was super into sex. I've been on like apps with people who are like you want to come to my hotel room and do and i'm like yeah sure i'll come to your hotel room and then i guess you'll bend me over and they're like and and i'm like and you'll do it when it happens right dude yes when they're like waiting for you to reply. Or the worst is I've had guys quite literally write like a thesis of like, and then, afterwards, once we do that, the next, also. And it's like they're using quite literally like, yes, like they're using transition words in the sexting.

And I'm like, I can't read this whole thing and like get turned on and like I don't want to reply to this. It's like a chore. No, thank you. No sexting. Let's just fuck. Yes. Nicole, this was very fun we

did it we did it he is the best dog for a podcast because he literally did not move clyde say thanks guys thanks guys oh that was so dude it's wait you know how everyone has a voice for their dog is that your voice well his voice is i'm c I'm Clyde, and I'm so hungry right now. Om, nom, nom, nom. Dude, it's so scary when I've done my dog voice, and people catch you, and you realize, like, I guess it's cuter when I'm just alone with my dog. Oh, you're psychotic when you're out in public going, It's so silly.

Wow. Okay, what's next for you? What should we look for? So I'm on a show called grand crew uh you can watch all 10 episodes on hulu or peacock um i have a special called big beautiful weirdo that is on netflix um wipe out with john cena is on tbs and i think hbo max uh nailed it is on netflix um and then I Have podcasts and yeah why won't you Date me best friends newcomers 90 day Bay and I think that's it damn congrats

Thank that's so fucking cool and I Definitely am now gonna go watch that Netflix special I've heard about it I Have yeah I'm going to fun at least I Think it's fun it's fun you're fun hey You've got a great energy. You've got a great attitude. And you're so fun to podcast with.

Thank you. I appreciate it. This was fun. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for coming on Call Her Daddy. Do it. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye.