Call Her Daddy - Robby Hoffman: Hot Takes & Falling in Love

Episode Date: May 20, 2026

Join Alex in the studio for an interview with Robby Hoffman. Robby discusses the rise of her career and the pivot from accounting to stand-up. She gives some hilarious takes including socks during sex, airplane etiquette and the rise of gluten allergies. She also reminisces on the early days of first meeting her wife Gabby and what truly makes them so compatible with one another. Enjoy! Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Robbie Hoffman, welcome to Call Her Daddy. Thanks for having me. I'm so happy you're here. Thrilled. I mean, you are an Emmy-nominated actress and comedian. In my opinion, you're one of the funniest people in the industry right now. Thank you. I appreciate that.

How do you feel when people read your bio and, like, accolades to you? Do you like it? I feel great when I hear about myself. I'm extremely proud of myself. And I think it's probably something that comes from the self-raising of it all. I don't know. I just feel like, I think when you don't know, when your parents aren't that involved in the raising of you and you depend on yourself a lot for the co-roar, you know, the raising,

I kind of look at myself and I go, my God, I'm really proud of you. Well done. Like it was, you know, so first of all, not many people are reading my bio back to me. but if they did and it's in a positive light, I say thank you. Keep it coming. Like, what am I going to? It's amazing.

I feel like you can kind of tell a lot about a person by how they react when people sing them Happy Birthday. Oh, right. What are you doing? What are you doing when people are like, here we go? Happy birthday. You know, I get a lot of attention. Okay.

Nature of what I do. I'm an entertainer. I do stand-up comedy. I act and I write and I'm in the public and my relationship gets the attention. So I do like and like things like that. I'm happy to give other people the attention, especially like weddings. Like Gab and I eloped. We had a very small wedding.

But in my family, I like partaking in their weddings and really celebrating them because it's like they have more quiet. They are not as accolated. Not for any reason. It's just not what they do. friends of my sister's a social worker, she doesn't, you know, she's not like getting articles and da-da-da, you know. So when she has a wedding, I'm like thrilled to throw that on. So the happy birthday, I feel like I get enough. That's why our wedding being small, it's like we're going to have the whole family fly out.

We get a ton of praise all the time. And so where we can pull back, we do. If you had to say, though, what is the most attention whore thing you've ever done? I mean, I was like class clown. I think I was. always I didn't know how to, I didn't know how to, you know, steer or finesse that energy. You know, I kind of wanted whatever attention, I got in trouble a lot. You know, I got kicked out of class and things like that. And then now that I've harnessed it, like, I do have attention, but it's in a very sophisticated it had harnessed way now versus it was free for all until I figured it all out. Yeah, free for all

horish. Like, like, okay, like horror. Yeah, I gave tons of hand jobs. Is that what you're getting to, call her daddy? Like in ninth grade? Like what do you mean, whore? Okay, yeah, I gave what? I gave, they were a couple of tugs. It wasn't much. Um, I didn't know about lube. They were very dry. And, and I, the customers seemed happy. I never had a problem. Hand jobs are just never a good experience for anymore. I mean, I've given six blow jobs. Six? I know.

It's a lot. It's very generous. Six. I've given six. I like that number for you. Yeah, yeah. Two guys, six. Two guys.

Yeah, like one kind of four, one, two. One I really tried again, but I said, you know what? I'm really not in the mood. I said, I don't think so. He had hair on the bottom of his shaft. I just, I couldn't get it together. Well, I never even went all the way down the shaft, but I just, I, and he was like, I'll get rid of it. And I said, just forget.

Misery. It was brutal. Yeah, I can't imagine being down there in that moment. You're just like, contemplating your whole fucking life. Yeah. Is that the kind of whore you're asking about? Oddly, no. I'm back to the again.

I'm going through the blow jobs. I'm going through. Class clown is a good answer. Okay. You're hitting it hard. So being a stand-up comedian, at some point, you're obviously going to interact with your audience, right? Yeah. What are some unhinged things that the crowd has ever said to you, done to you? This is going to sound insane. What? And I know that people have said this before. I don't experience any of what you're about to ask. The heckling or the this. My audience is in it to win it with me. I can't even tell you the vibe and the energy. Like they, maybe I don't come off approachable.

if they did say something to me, I don't think they think it would go well, but I don't invite that sort of back and forth. And my audience just comes to church. We're together. We are in it together. And I just don't experience that sort of thing. And I know that sounds like whatever, whatever,

but it's just literally I can't believe the energy of my audience. I mean, that's incredible. Like people, like I remember when it wasn't like my show, like when I used to do just whatever shows around the city, I remember I did a show in Canada where some guy on a bachelor party, like took his dick out or something. But there were things like that that happened in general audiences. But I'm telling you, when they come for me, it's like we, the sermon has begun.

The phones are out. Everybody is just, they've taken a deep breath and we're just together for an hour, and hour and a half of, literally. Take us home. Literally, it feels that way. And I feel for people who deal with this sort of thing. But it's just never been, it's, and think, I keep it that way. By the way, keep it that way.

No, keep it that way for sure. But I, yeah, when you just said that earlier, though, like, do you think there's also an intimidation thing? Yeah, there's no way they'd win that. Oh, right? So I think it's like if somebody, I mean, if somebody sneezes in my eye, I say, bless you. You know, like there's nothing I'm not going to, you know, can we all say bless. So everyone's blessed you.

You know, like, so it's like, you know, I don't know. I'm not challenging anyone, you know, at the same time. I would, you know, give them the attention. Oh, this person needs attention.

Let's all. I'm sorry you're sad. What happened? And let's work through it together. Is there anything else you'd like to say? And okay. Is that what you're like in an argument? Explain.

Like if someone is arguing with you, do you take the temperature down? No. Make the, okay. Okay. No, okay. I don't know. I have never taken the temperature down, unfortunately.

It's another thing that I don't really relate to. But arguing is an interesting question to me because I mean, to me, to me, to complain is to enjoy to argue, is to speak occasionally depending what culture I'm in and the cultures I've grown up in. Like you're going in at the dinner table. Yeah, but so is everyone else I know there. Keep in mind. I have nine siblings who are a lot like me. I'm friends with similar comedians and this sort of thing. So we're all like that.

Now, if I went to a normie dinner, you know, I'm actually really pulled back at something like that. I might still be the craziest person there. But for me, that is like you don't even know. If I was just with comics or just with my family, forget it. We're all going to. And he said, but she said, okay. So we're going to see.

You know. So we like an argument. I like this. Yeah, I love an argument. Bring it on. Oh, I love an argument. Before you got into comedy, you were pursuing a career as an accountant.

Correct. You know, that's a pretty big pivot. Comedian, accountant. What happened there? What happened is comedy, really. I really wouldn't wish this happening to anyone. But, yeah, I grew up again, Boar. You know, you're going to, my violin comes out.

My violin is only getting bigger. I think being poor is just so criminal and it's so bad that I'm not over it. Like, people want me to be over it. I'm not over missing the bus 15 years ago. Like, I'm not over people like get out. I'm not over anything. You know what I mean? I'm not over spectrum going from $39.99 a month to $79.99 a month.

And then you want me to get over my chat? Like, there's things I'm just not over. But not everybody, my family went to school. So when I got to go to school, I was like, what's the least amount of school for the most payoff? And they were like, you can get a job this summer in accounting or finance with an internship. And that's exactly what I did. I said, say no more. Where do I sign up?

And I, you know, and that's what I did. I didn't. And then when I started to have money every two weeks, direct deposit, I considered miraculous and amazing. that's when I started really like to sleep for the first time and to really like I know people think I'm anxious now this is I'm actually quite calm this is you know I used to be far more anxious you should see me back then as an accountant okay then from there yeah you go to McDonald's well back to McDonald's teenage years yeah I always had jobs during school during all this these are simultaneous how would you describe yourself as an employee

horrendous, but joyful. Like, we refused to work the back and flip the burgers. I only wanted to work the till, the cash, but I was, Alex, I was hitting them orders in. It was crazy. And so, you know, well, we had a good time. Yeah, and like I said, you know, I really, I was eating McDonald's every day when I worked there, and it was amazing. Were you ever employee of the month? Like, no, we did do well.

No, no, no, no. I was actually really good during lunch rush and stuff like that. Maybe because of how I grew up. I'm used to a rush. So we, I was very good. And we did get pins. Yeah, I got a pin. The only reason I earned that pin actually is we randomly had a uniform spot check.

Like our manager, our floor manager decided to do this check. Maybe the owner was coming in. I can't remember. And so everybody had to lift their pants. And if you were wearing black socks, which I happened to be wearing for no, I doesn't even, I don't even know, but me and my friend were wearing black socks. And you're not allowed to wear black socks? No, you had to be wearing black socks. Oh, you had to be.

So we got the pin for hygiene or whatever it was. Why do black socks mean hygiene? At the time, it was part of a uniform. McDonald's famously changes their uniforms all the time. But we had, we had like gene on Friday. You could wear jeans. But don't you think that it would be white socks you can see what's going on?

Black hides things. I have no clue. We never even knew of this rule. It's just maybe he had extra pins like to this day. And there was no, the pin didn't come with it. I don't remember the pin. Other than we got the pin, we were thrilled. And we were killing it.

It worked. There's nothing to say. Wow. Okay. So you were never like the personality hire. You did the job. Both. I was definitely a personality hire too.

Yeah. Can you give me a little. And tell, is there anything you've seen a little too close up that you're like, maybe don't get that? Well, you know, I was at McDonald's. They had like fun. Like they were going through a sub phase. Oh. Like they had their own identity crisis, let people like, they were like trying to do subs at one point.

Thank God those are gone. I hear the filial fish is good. I don't go near it, which is a lesbian is shocking. But people who like it, that is their go-to. That's their go-to. That is their go-to. Okay. All right.

I've never tried it. Maybe I'll try it. Maybe we'll try it. I don't know. Is it true that in the early days of your career, you got your script for comedy in front of network executives by impersonating careers, claiming that you have a delivery to make? Yes.

It was only one. You know, I wrote a script. When I discovered stand-up, and this relates to your earlier question, I was like, and then I thought I could be good at it, and I was. Now, most people who see Statenham, they think they can be good at it. They can't. I happen to be,

it's like nine or ten times it's not going to be the case for you if you're watching this and I apologize. But for me it was and it was like devastating because it's like now I have to pursue this thing. I had a moral dilemma. Like I have the opportunity to make, to have a good job.

Like to make more than, you know, just as an accountant. I was making $32,500 a year, Canadian, my first year at 22 years old, which was nobody was really even salaried. right? Already making more than obviously my mother or whatever. And then I'm going to pursue the arts.

Like the thing, it just, it was very difficult to think, but I knew I was good at it. How did you know you were good? Because I was winning, like, I gave it six months. I said if six months, nothing is doing. Phenomeny gave me a laptop for keeps. We are killing it. Like, they couldn't be nicer to me.

I wasn't the best auditor, but I was invited on the audits that were, you know, out of state and stuff because just the travel. I'm good on a plane. Let's have, you know, let's press play on the movie. But, yeah, it was a real moral dilemma for me. And so that's why I gave myself that six months. Like if six months, nothing's doing, okay, you have a great job. You get paid every two weeks.

This is wonderful. And during that six months, I was doing mics and stuff and competing. I did open my competitions. I was submitting to festivals. And it was all I was getting approved. So there were benchmarks. There were ways to know that you were good at it. And trust me, if I wasn't good at it, I would have stopped.

I do not want to be traipsing around this scene like many that we see. And there's no awareness. And if you don't have self-awareness, take it from others. after a certain point. You know, there are comics who get up there and they say, you know, I've been bombing for six years and they talk about it on podcast

and they're bombing and bomb. If you're bombing to that extent, by the way, it happens, no quite, okay. But to that extent, maybe, maybe it isn't for you. No worries. You got to go. No worries, but it could never be me.

You're too self-aware. No, and if I'm not, I don't even trust that. I thought I was good. But I'm not going by me. I'm then going to say, I'm going to enter that competition. I'm going to enter this. I'm going to do that.

Is everybody on my page? Right? Because I know that I come with a certain amount of delusion. I think I'm great for sure. But I could be wrong. I've been wrong a million times. I'm wrong about so many things. So this was no different.

I wasn't going to trust that I'm 100% right on this. I felt a ping in my stomach that I probably have to do this. I'm probably good at it. But there was still a hope that I wasn't good at it. and I wouldn't have to do it. What do you think you are, like, percentage-wise, delusion to self-aware? Probably both. Split, down the middle?

Because delusion is free. Delusion and dreams. Like, when people ask me what I dream, like, I don't put a limit on my dreams. It's like, it's free. It's like taking soap from the hotel. It's like, just take it. Who cares? You know, you've already paid for it.

Like, dreams is like, I'm not charged to think of living on the beach. So just if you want to live on the beach, dream about that. That's in the delusion thing. The self-aware thing is on the critical thing. It's kind of like just reading about this, the observing ego. My therapist was telling me that, and I go to her ad hoc and I don't want to hear it, I dip in and I dip out. And her big thing is that's okay to think that.

That's a thought. It's a feeling. You fear. It's not a fact. And the other thing is there's something called your observing ego. Your observing ego looks at your ego, and I could be getting this wrong, but for the most part, it's right. Let's try it. Okay.

Your observing ego is all about skeptic. It's all like, huh, I hear that story that you think, okay, you took a blood test and it's going to come back. You had your annual physical, normal, normal, but you've worked this up into being that it's going to come back and you're whatever. sure, but you're observing goes, I'm doubtful. I don't know if I believe that. I don't know if I believe that story. And that's where the self-awareness comes. Self-awareness is almost like you're observing ego. It's like, okay, you think you go, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Let's get some data in. Let's look at this practically speaking and object as objectively as you can. Do you think you really let your mind wander with the medical? Oh, yeah. My husband, I've had him lay next to me at night and he's like has a cough and he's like, what if? No, it changes my whole.

What if it is cancer though? And I'm like, how did we get from the sinus infection to cancer? But I have to hold him in that space but also bring him back to reality. Like does Gabby meet you there? Gabby was an ICU nurse. By the grace of God, as if she couldn't get any better. It's when I,

first met Gabby when we were first dating like my stomach hurt like I slept over but I did shows that night. I maybe didn't eat dinner and was going to eat after but I just crawled into bed with her and I had to tell me she like literally sprung up to make me something like she was like oh there's like these oats that I've given to patients and it's like like she's so good with the medical like she's unreal with the medical. How soon in did you start asking Gabby for medical advice? I mean, I can't even remember to me to breathe as to, I don't even, you know, I couldn't pinpoint. I mean, I'm pretty sure it's something I taught. It's like the weather, you know, how I'm feeling. You could be in the coffee line and you could turn to someone like, do you think the symptom means?

No, I know. It's very scary. It's terrifying. No, your husband should see an ENT. If he, no, if this, I do want to say it seems if you guys have good insurance. I mean, by all means. Can we talk about men for a second? Of course. In one of your sets, you said that the makeup of any man is 95% the greatest guy in the world. Oh, yeah.

And 5% jail. All right. Can you elaborate on that breakdown? Well, men have a very dark. Some of it is coming to light now. It's amazing how much of men's darkness continues to come to light. Like, it just continues. continues. It's like an onion, right?

It's like we all've known, but I guess now men are like you caught us, but not really, right? Like it was the Harvey Weinstein thing. We're like, we all knew. Now it's the pedophile thing. And we're like, oh, right, this is like really, fellas, this is not. You've got to get it together. This is just unbecoming. Like, this is just unwell. Right? Is this punch? Yep.

Ooh. Have a little. It's cool, too. refresher. Watermelon. That's excellent. Thank you. Of course. Yeah, so they started to kind of, we started to be like, huh? Yeah, I don't know what the men are doing anymore. I can barely keep up, right? But 5% it's you don't want to know. I guarantee 5% of this man, I don't want to know. Can you imagine if women were doing that shit? It's crazy.

We would be in jail. Yeah, I mean, they're putting, they're trying to put, women in jail for emails. I mean, this is what's going on. Never mind. Right. We're like, you're with the children and we're sending emails. Every problem in the world. And I love the felons and I'm with dudes a lot and I'm best friends with them. You know, and somebody says, oh, I'm friends with a, well, I'm friends with a Jewish person or, you know, I know, I know gay people and I'm friends with them. I know men and I am friends with some of them. But every massive problem is them. It really is, it's distilled down to men versus women at the end of the day, war.

We would not have gone about with war. A thousand years ago, worse, a setting up society, I'm not going to be like, you know what, let me bash a bitch into the wall. Like, we just don't think like that. I'm like, I'm going to talk to her. Let's talk it through. See how long is she staying here? How long? Okay, okay, no problem. So we won't, like, like, we would, Discuss. Communicate. At first, yeah. So war is just not the way we would have gone about it.

We wouldn't have invented, you know, the economy is run on the stock market, which is astrology for men. You know, it's like, it's just not the way we would have gone about money. All of it. It's like, we would have been like, everybody gets 100K to start. Is that good? Okay, so let's just all take 100. Okay, and we end it four. Let's all go home.

Like we would have set up every system, the economy, warfare, politics. It just would have been very different. What do you think about women? What is our makeup of jail to grade? Women are more nuanced. It's hard. To me, women are more case by case. Men, I can apply more of a general.

They're more basically made. So I can, you know, they're like a pill like that. Like I can, you know, we're more. women are a lot more complex. Yeah. Okay, let's unpack this further. I'm going to give you a scenario. Yeah.

You're going to tell me if it qualifies as great or jail. And we're like, we're bringing this down to like normal life. We're not talking. I pee now or after. You have already have to pee? I over because I'm having my tea. Go. Really?

Okay, but are you going to be able to continue as is? Oh, well, I'll sit right here. Will you run? Do you know where it is? I don't think, hey, everyone, intermission. I actually don't think anyone's ever left during an interview to pee. I appreciate the directness. Most people would sit there and just hold it.

No, no, no, because you know what? Tell me. I consume a lot of water and tea. I just thought the tea's gone. Okay. You're already hitting the unwell. And I won't do this on here and it makes Gab sick. I will squeeze that tea bag again.

It's one of the grossest things. that I do. That is the 5% of the woman. You know what? That was exactly 95% normal and 5% she takes the end at the end of her tea and it's as gross some might say as pedophilia. She takes the end of the tea bag. Some may say and she squeezes it.

Squeez it into her mouth or squeezing it back into the... No, it's back in here and I finish the tea. That's like backwash. That's like the last driblets of like a... The tea bag. Don't you fucking dare. Because it has the... most tea in the bag, I think. It's the most potent of the flavor of the tea. Put it down.

Put it the fuck down. Okay. It's looking nasty now. Yeah, no, it's fine. We can remove it now. Okay, that's your jail. Ready, game. Yeah. You're going to tell me if it's great. Okay. Or if it's jail. Okay. They fuck with their socks on. A guy or a girl? Yeah, I think that's fine. I think it's fine too I remember reading Are you cold? I mean I also grew up in Canada Like is it cold

How's your heat? You like to set the mood I fucked with all clothes Like we're both like Let's just the least amount That has to be shown is fine You know what I mean There's the reason there's a fly

For some people I remember reading at one point That if you keep your socks on during sex You can have a better orgasm And this was back in the day when my boyfriend was just like not getting it done. And so I tried it. And I don't know if it was like a placebo effect, you know?

But I kind of convinced myself like maybe we are having more progress. And it's not like I'm running to put the socks on to then have sex. But if they're on, sometimes I just won't take them off. Well, it's also it's a nice thing. Like maybe you keep your extremities warm, you know. We tend to clench. I think on a man I would probably prefer. I don't want to see a man's feet.

Such a good point. Yep. I think a woman can go either way. Like if she wants to be cozy and cute in socks, I'm not mad. But a man, please, so I would say, as somebody prefer, I don't, you know, I don't even men who don't wear socks with shoe. Like, even if they're in a shoe and there's no sock, I'm upset. I don't want to see a grown man's ankle. That I'm in no mood for.

The ankle on a man. It's unbecoming. It is rare. It's a good one. It doesn't matter. unless you're on a boat. That is, you're on a boat, you're at the pool. There's no reason for me to see your ankle.

You're at the airport and a flip-flot. What do you think about that? Call the police. That's, that, that is just. What do you think about shorts at the airport? I'm more fine with shorts, but I don't love them. Would you ever wear shorts to the airport? No.

I like to be cozy and I'm cold a lot. What about bare feet on a plane? It's unacceptable. It's horrible. What would you do if you were sitting next to someone with bare feet on a plane? I would combust. I really, thank God, and I travel so often. I've been near it, but not quite directly next to it.

And I'm, see, I'm grateful once again. You know, I'm extremely grateful for the life I have, including somehow dodging something like that. You've been like a few rows away. Yes. Cut the glimpse. Oh yeah. The shivered down the spine.

It's just so gross. I don't know. It's really gross. It's disgusting. I did sit next to somebody once. This man could only be described as homeless. And I don't know if he was unhoused or not. But I'm describing him that way to give you the idea.

And he had one singular tissue, not a handkey, not one. And he blew his nose so aggressively, so, many times into this like and I asked the flight attendant for a mask this is before COVID before anything how I even thought to ask for a mask before COVID I never you know what I mean I didn't even know like you're out of your time hospital yeah and they didn't and I literally thought I would die of AIDS like I thought like that flight like I'm done for when you sit on the plane and you hear the person who are like, oh, and it is all, it's just the coughing, the hacking, you're like, I am sitting in an incubator.

Yeah, I do feel that. I am a prisoner. No, that is terrible. It's, I do feel that. It's good to know. Okay, they sit on the couch in their outside clothes. That's fine. We're okay.

Couch, yeah. The bed? No, less so. But it's fine. Occasionally, is the comforter on? Comfort is a recoverlet? Is there a little throw-it? at the end?

Do you know when you throw the throw? How do you feel about the throw, though, in a hotel? Get rid of it immediately. Get it the fuck away from me. Get it the fuck away from me. No, my husband does the same. He's like, put out the window. Yeah.

And here's the whole thing. I've stayed at Holiday and Express. Not to brag. And I used to like, sometimes the coverlet is the blanket at those hotels. Like there isn't a blanket under. It's like just sheets or a very thin blanket. Like I've been frozen as can be before I. I'm like, I'll freeze to death.

I don't care. The shit that's on there. Oh, a decorative pillow in a hotel. Terrible. Okay, they have a cat. I have a cat. How many? One.

And I don't like other cats just because I have a cat. So it depends the cat. I'm also case by case, just like humans. I'm case by case with the animals. I don't need an animal. a dog to run and and and and and and and and and and and pounce on me. I'm not in the mood to be assaulted by a dog today. Sometimes as you go to somebody's house,

I was not in the mood to be jumped by a dog. It used to be acceptable if somebody had such a dog to say, could you put it in a room? You can't ask somebody to put the dog in the room now. But by the way, I'm a little afraid of dogs. I don't want to really be harassed right now. Can you put the dog in the room? Like it's okay. It's okay.

No, it's not okay for me. I don't want to be. I once had somebody's dog. They were like gnawing at my sock. They're like, oh, he just wants your sock. I'm like, I want my sock. Look, I want my sock.

So I don't know. So the dogs, it depends the dog and it depends the cat. I don't want your cat scratching. My cat doesn't do such a thing. My cat is the gentlest little cat that ever was. I got her already at two years old. And so she was fully grown and very gentle. And I knew her, but some people get a kitten and it grows up.

It's a menace. And I'm locking the door. I'm afraid of the cat. Does your cat have a name? Numb. No? No. Oh, I think he said no.

I was like, No, her name is numb. Nom. Yeah. Okay. They are allergic to gluten. No, it can't be done. It can't be done.

Is it real or they think they are? Like, unless they come, like I want to see the outbreak. I want to pick up a roll. We're having rolls tonight. Just a bag of rolls. I don't care if it's the Hawaiian roll. Whatever roll, okay.

I don't. I don't care if it's a dinner roll, butter it up, and let's see. Is it hitch? It better look like hitch. It better look like Will Smith and hitch. If it's not Will Smith blowing up and hitch, I don't know. It does feel kind of recent, huh? It's very recent. It's very recent. And, you know, I don't want to, it's just, I got to see. Everybody is suddenly celiac. Yeah, like, I don't think people of my parents' generation, like, remember when we were kids, probably everybody was allergic to peanuts. I never hear that anymore because it's not cool anymore. It's not cool anymore. Less and less people are allergic to peanuts. People used to kids used to fucking pass out and eat an EpiPen. You were taught

you got to stab them. I was ready. I grew up ready to stab a bitch who was freaking out with a peanut. That's a good point. The EpiPen was killer and they said you and I said I'll believe me, I'll do it. I remember like, you know, and they're like in third because we had somebody in our class allergic, take the epa. And I said, teacher, I will do it. But no one was allergic to gluten in our classes. No. And now I don't see the peanut allergy too much. Yeah, comment down below if you've got a peanut allergy. And comment down below if you have a gluten allergy. They had, and by the way, they're coming for us. And fine, I believe you. I'm also. We don't care, but we're also curious. We're curious. Is it a gluten in time? You know when they asked you at a restaurant, like,

hey, Gab and I like to go to Sugarfish in order to trust me. We're like, we're like, we shit could trust me. But instead of the crab, can we do the sound? And they go, is it allergy or is it a preference? It's like, that's what I want to know with these people. Is it an allergy or a preference? Okay. Their go-to grocery store is Airwam. I mean, I'm sorry to say. This is, people are not going to like, Gabby orders from Air One more than, more than I would like. Now, when Gabby is on a trip, I, I, I, I, I, I can't imagine it. Okay.

And also, it's a very annoying grocery store to shopping because they don't label any of their aisles. Like, they make you want to go through the aisles. And I'm like, I'm not here to, like, explore the grocery store. Like, what's in the aisles? Like, I'm looking from... So, and the only time I go is if Gabby's coming back from a trip, I will buy her treats from Air One. I'll pick up a bag.

I'll get her, like, flowers and I'll get her, like, you know, she likes these mush oatmeal and different things that they sell there. So I will get her the stuff that she likes just to make sure that there's a couple things that she really likes. Okay, someone that has their phone background is a photo of themselves. That's terrible.

So weird. Very weird. I agree. People who have dabbled with DJing. It's horrible, criminal. DJ, can I add something, Alex? Permission? Of course.

Permission to elaborate. Of course. Photography. Fellas, you got a nice camera. You got a couple. You got a record player. Like how much is you and how much is the thing? Like the camera.

Photography, I'm not sure. It's very hard to, especially at the amateur level and the DJ at the amateur level. It's very hard to denote what are the tables doing and what are you doing? What are the songs themselves doing? You drop hot in here. We're on. Okay? I don't know if to give you the credit.

What did you do? Or back to Nelly. Is it Nelly on here? Yeah. Yeah, it's Nelly. I don't know. Photography. Was it the LICA?

Or was it you? I don't know. It's such a good point. And the photography, I remember being on dating apps and being like, if he was a model or a photographer, it was just a, it was a quick, it was a quick, easy decision.

Oh, a model? a model for a man. I mean, there's certain, this is where I get in trouble sometimes because I can be traditional, even though I live an untraditional life to some extent. I had a task rabbit once come over. I bought, you know, the cheaper the thing at IKEA,

the more of your life they take, right? So it's like, yeah, the shelf's really cheap because there's 97 different screws that you're going to spend the next two days doing, right? So it's like, that's what you pay for. So I would, you know, I'm no stranger to ordering the cheapest possible things moving to a new apartment. Not anymore by the grace of God and all of you. Thank you.

And so I was just moving to L.A. maybe a new apartment. And I called a Tass Rabbit. It's maybe six, seven years ago. And another lesbian shows. Another Dyke shows up. I go, a girl. No, I need my handyman. I'm excuse me. I could, I would have done it. Now we're both. I'm on the floor with this bitch doing it. Send me, I need a guy to come over here. Like, I'm looking for like an old Italian or Mexican dude to come in here and do what the hell he does. You got on the floor with her. Why? Because she was, she was like, oh, I know, that was my problem. All right. Let's see if we can figure out. It's like, no, the hash rabbit's got to be a dude. Okay. And the model has got to be a girl.

I don't want to, you're a male model. Yeah, okay, okay. So men who are so into fashion and know what kind of jeans a woman's wearing, that really, just be gay. Like women don't like literally save women's time. Like I hear these stories all the time where I'm like, that sounds gay. And I have a theory about gay. And again, and I don't, it's only a theory.

Yeah, talk to me. Okay. We are, we are hypothesizing still. But I do think that everybody who you think is gay is gay. And then on top of that, there's a million more people. You wouldn't even know who are gay, who are gay. So if you think a dude's gay, that's all you need. It's 100% factually gay.

Because then on top of that, there's the whole download the people you don't know who are gay. That's a really interesting. Because I feel like I've seen you said something about, like, everyone has a little gay in them, right? The fellas. The fellas. Yeah. But they're scared of it. Like girls want a little gay in them.

even if they don't have a little gay in them, they're like, what kind of hold my hair. Like girls on a beach will like be like, let's like pose like this. Like, you know, they're not shy of being a little gay. They like have fun with it. They like flirting or whatever.

But fellows are like so afraid of it that if they just were like, you know, like, yeah, you know, like terrified. Yeah, they're like terrified of it because they've heard each other doing it.

Like the thing is, is they used to bash each other's head in if they actually were. They've scared each other. Again, goes back to men being the problem. They're also a problem to themselves. Right. Like embrace yourself.

Yeah. Like they bashed themselves. Dude on dude violence is massive. When you were a teenager, you said you made sure you earned your stay in your friend group by bringing the tea. Right. And getting your friend some dick. Yeah. What were you up to?

What was your... Well, you know, I was naturally born. I had a good figure. I'm low-key pretty. I have a prettiness to me. You know, my brother always asked. He's like, why are you starting to look like Joe Pett? She's like, you know, like my family thinks like, how my sister's like, you know, you were, you know, you could be pretty. Like, you know, like they think like I don't know. Like he thinks like I have an insecurity or whatever like I dress. So like, you know, you could be wearing like my sister used to like if we were window shopping. She'd be like, oh, with your figure I'd wear that dress. And it's like, they can't imagine that I choose to dress. Like they think it's like must be something. But in high school when I wasn't in tune to what I just was like, oh yeah. Like.

you know, in high school, we wanted jobs, boyfriends, like, you know, it was Romeo and Michelle, let's go. So my friends had, you know, like, let's say my friend's father would take us somewhere, like, my mom didn't drive, right? Or like, I never had any money. And maybe my friends would, they got allowance. I once asked my grandfather for allowance and he walked me to the fridge. He's like, you want allowance? wow, what do you think this is? All the food in the fridge? And I'm like, copy that. Thank you, Grandpa.

But, yeah, so I would, I think it's like being, you know, being blind and maybe your other senses pick up the slack. I didn't have a lot monetarily to contribute. In the summers, I wasn't the house that had a pool, that knew somebody who had a pool, you know. but I could I could get us to the front of the line if I needed to I could you know like I could

get us get us drinks right she's paying the Uber why should we be true no girls I always knew girls don't pay for drinks at bars I looked good I put on whatever tight I had to be I had a good time

and I would just walk up to whatever you know that used to have guys roped off at clubs and stuff I'd say what are we drinking fellas before we knew it were like five girls we're sitting there where we're drinking, you know,

the orange juice and the cranberry juice are there, the bottle service. I'm like pouring all of them and then we would leave those guys. We never put out. We never anything.

Did you actually call them fellas back then? No, I would say, Hey guys, what are we, you know, like, we were always,

and we were always, it's so funny looking back, we were always like a maze. Like, let's say we were like, we were like five, like skinny, bitches,

like 20 years old, short skirts, heels, the whole bit in the freezing cold, you know, not even paying for co-checks. So running from, running from the car to the club, trying to get in, hey, please, sir, we're cold. And we can't believe he lets us in.

Okay, meanwhile, we're like five, 20-year-old girls. Like, of course that's who's getting. And we can't believe we got the free drink. Did you believe these guys gave us? It's so obvious. That's the only reason they got the bottle was for this to happen to them. Dude, isn't it so terrifying when you look at it?

And you're like, oh, my God, how stupid and easy men are when it's like, all it took was me to wear that chop. Are you fucking kidding me? But they had to spend some money. I do remember thinking. Well, I do remember because I remember my brothers having to go out and I helped my brothers with their plenty of fish profiles

and online dating back then. And one of my brothers was colorblind. This shirt, this shirt. My brother was so cute. But they didn't have money. And I always felt like what really sung me, because I always had a great date for any amount of, what was a movie.

And when movies became unaffordable, I said, that is it. If my brother could not even take a girl to a movie, what are we doing? What chance does he have? What chance? And he's only like 18.

Like he's trying to order. He's working at FedEx. Like, if he can't take a bitch to a movie, like he's not, I've been out to these clubs. What is he to do? He's stuck.

It's horrible. Because these fellows, had to have like that bottle was like 500. I don't know what it was. The bottle service is fucking crazy. And they did it. So, you know, there was, they were doing their thing. However, they got their money, maybe they were flipping cell phones.

I don't know what they were doing or coming from it in many cases. The ones not coming from it who got it. I'm not looking at your taxes. I don't hear what you did. You don't care. You did what you had to do. And you did what you had to do. And you got, yeah, and I did what I had to do. Okay,

you have a theory. Oh. In every relationship, you need one hot person and one smart person. How did this idea come to be? It's just always been the case. I can't tell that ideas. And it's not 100% per the person. You need the right ratio. There's a relationship ratio. That's what we're talking about. We're talking about the two sides of the ratio, okay? For those of you didn't, you know, math is, you know, the two colon. The colon is the ratio and you're quitting both sides. One side's got to be. hot. You need an attraction something. Hot is different to people, but also it's, you know. And then there's a smart. Those are the two things for the relationship. That's a scale. So if you're bringing

mostly smart, you've got to look for mostly hot. If you're bringing 50% smart and 50% hot, you need a 50-50 too. What if the balance is off and you have two hot people or two smart people? Look at two hot people. It's a disaster. Hollywood. Jalo and Ben, it doesn't matter how many times they try. They're missing an entire circle. Right?

They have too hot and I'm not saying and they're lovely, but they're missing and it's too smart. That's too old goes. That's a hazard on the road. No, and nothing wrong. But that's just what it is. We've seen the couples. But you need something driving the other stuff.

You need a good, mix of both. But what's more lethal? Or what's more like, oh, this is going to go down in flames. Hot, hot, smart, smart. Down in flames, I think is hot, hot. What happens with two hot people or two smart people? They're just, you're literally just walking around like I goes. Yeah. But is that so bad? By the way. By the way. Okay. But at least they can work, you know, but what happens is, you know, sometimes, you know, you get, you know, you know, then they either go outside or whatever if the hot doesn't pick up right like maybe the uggos he's a haughty i mean she's going to kill me for saying this emily what emily are you

trying to talk to your team yeah they can't talk to you back in here so basically it's a general ratio you want to make sure you have it okay um gabby you know and and and the ratios don't even make sense gabby i think brings 90% of the hotness um And I can feel confident going anywhere with her, whether it's a grocery store, whether it's a carpet, whatever it is. Because I'm like with Gab. Nobody's even looking at me. Who cares? Okay.

But I think I'm a cutie, so I bring 10%. So we have our 100% hot. And on the smart, people forget Gabby was a nurse. So she's practically a fucking doctor in this country. She's an ICU nurse. So we split the smart 50-50. We have our circle there. Just fill the circles.

However you can get to your fill, do it. You got to do it. Yeah. I think that's a really great point. I do think people need to be a little bit more self-aware. And it also depends what type of time you're in your life, right? And sometimes in college you're like, I just want a hot guy. I want a hot girl.

And you're just going for the hot. And you actually like, I don't want you to be fucking smart. Because I don't want to end up with you. I just want to have fun. And you might be smart. Right? That's a lethal. You want to know lethal.

Somebody like you or Gab. They're hot and they're smart. Gab, I always tell you she doesn't have to be hot. She doesn't have to be hot. or smart for as hot and smart as she is. You don't have to be hot. You don't have to be as smart as you are for as hot as you are.

You could have leaned on one. That is the lethal combo. Is that sometimes they're hot like gab and they're brilliant too. What fucking chance do you have? What chance do you have? But does that mean that they could get with someone that can bring less to the table

because they're bringing more? It does. Or does that build resentment? No, but that means that you, if you want just some guy in college, What do you care? You're carrying a lot of the circles all right. We're carrying it. Yeah, you have a big contribution to your, right?

Your fill is there. You need less of it. Maybe you're doing 90% hot, like Gap and 90% smart, and you just knew you're looking for 10 on either. Oh, what a life. A guy walking around with 20% that checks out. Most of them are. And that's generous. Yeah, thank you.

You had a live call-in show once where you gave advice called the Robbie Hoffman Consulting Group. Mm-hmm. What do you think You're in COVID Qualified to you to give people advice Well I mean I have an undergraduate degree

From McGill University In accounting, thank you very much I think I'm qualified on all areas Of relationship Of psychology Of finance Of fashion Due to my credentials right there

What are some of the weirdest calls You ever got? No, we got a lot of calls you know, this is so boring. We went through people's resumes. I like to spruce up a resume. You know, things like that. We really, I don't know.

We got tons. I don't know what weird is. I can't even qualify as something being weird. Like, somebody could ask me anything. And I'm like, oh, yeah, that's a fair question. So I don't know. What celebrity would you call for advice? A celebrity?

Well, they're calling you. What would it take for you to call in I wouldn't tell us. I want like, you know, the, the, the neurologist at Cedar Sinai. That's somebody I would call, you know. You want that person to be dialed. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't think a celebrity I'm going to for advice, but to me, celebrities are, because my mother always had a reverence for a doctor's. And we went once a year for a checkup. And I remember at one point, and if we weren't going to school, I don't think we would have had these checkups. So thank God for the schools, the school system. But I remember me and my brother's. sitting on the, what is that bench called at the doctors? Oh, I know what you mean. What is, the, the, the, well, you know. You know, with the paper on it.

It's like the table. The table. The table. The gurney, it's almost a gurney. It's kind of creepy. Okay. So anyway, we're all on there. We're all in our underwear.

You know, I'm maybe like eight, nine, ten, and like, right? We're all a year apart and we're all in our under. Me and three of my brothers. Okay, we're freezing, we're sitting there. He's doing the knee thing. We're having fun. Okay. He weighs us all and he's going down.

My mother's there, like, you know, nervous. Like, she's brought four of her kids in for this appointment. And he does her check up and he's going through it and he's like, yeah, your brother looks really healthy. This one over here. The oldest is, he's looking great perfectly, you know. The other one, we'd love if he was finishing his plate, my brother, who was like a little stuff.

Nothing crazy, but just make sure he's finishing everything on his plate. He's in a little lower of a percentile. We'd love to see him just a little meteor next year. Nothing crazy. see me, you know, Rifka, Robbie, she looks healthy, fine. Okay, he gets finished with all of us and he goes, okay, kids, have a great year at school. See you next year. He leaves the room for us.

Right. My mother's like, get dress, get dress. Get dress. We're like pulling our, we're getting dressed. Okay. She's pulling my brother's pants. She's like, you're all way enough. Embarrassing me in front of the doctor.

Because my mother, all she did was cooked and, you know, through food on the table, right? And he's just a small, we were all, so he's still small to the, the say. You know what I mean? He's just a skinny guy. Right. And but my mother, she was so embarrassed. Like it looked upon her that she wasn't feeding her kids because he's and he doesn't, you know, way enough. He's eight years old. He has no clue. What do you? What does he have anything to do with what he weighs at that age? It's like a full form of self-examination for her in that moment. She's like how they looking. Yeah. Really, it's like a reflection on her. Yeah. She's taking it like, so then she implemented the piece system where you finish to, you know, two more pieces or whatever, doing all that. And

like, I already had my two more pieces. I'm good. You said two more pieces last time. I am done with pieces for this one. I love that you all went in together. She would do as many as she could. Yeah, yeah, four, then four. Yeah, because it was just like an annual checkup. Like, are the kids, they have their shots or whatever. They were always kind of little intimidating. It was sitting sitting there in our underwear. I was like cold. He's some pedophile, obviously, that he's chosen to do this. Did I have to strip down to my underwear not thinking about it? That may have been a unique And that may have been my mother being like, everybody, get on, you know, he's the doctor's coming in to examine. Like she had us ready. Like she didn't waste a doctor's time. And the doctor was like I didn't need to be naked.

Like I like to get on the phone with a great lawyer or a doctor or a scientist. Having one of them on speed dial. A lawyer on speed dial, a doctor on speed dial, there's nothing like it. There's nothing. Okay. In one of the episode descriptions, you said we are now helping those most. to need predominantly non-lesbians. What did I say that? Yeah, that was in one of your episode descriptions for your advice. Oh, for advice, yes.

Because I, no, no, no, no, because what happened was people thought it was only lesbians to call in. And so the lesbians were flooding the lines. And it's like, no, like the fellas need a lot of help here. You see how they're walking around. They're, they're in many wars. They're investing in crypto, you know, they're and, you know, so get them on the line. So I think that was a clarification. What, what is some straight people shit? You just

like cannot get behind. A lot. Okay. A lot of straight men claim that going down on a woman is so difficult because it's hard to find the clip. Oh, okay. Yeah. Like DJ Callet is gay. Yeah. No, that's what I think. I think if you're bragging about not going down on a woman, it's like, bro, just come out. Like, there's no other way to come out. Like, it's not giving what you think it's giving. Fellas, it's like, bizarre. It's like just be gay. Like again, leave women alone. Like, why this whole song in dance? Like, they like gay men. Like, just be gay. Be friends. Like, they'd be thrilled for you. Like, don't drag them on this thing and your weird thing. Yeah, no, I think a man not going down on a woman, which, by the way, going down on some women is great. Some others, it's not. I'm sure it's like

hooking up with men. I've had, I've had great. You know, thank God I married Gabby is all I can say. Thank God I married Gabby. But, you know, so it finds your girl, you know, but I think bragging about not going, it's like, okay, like, I don't know where to go from that. Like, just literally be gay. So weird. Give us your advice, ready? If someone's like, how do I approach someone in the wild? What do I do?

It depends on the circumstance. Okay, who's approaching? Who? A young woman in her, early 20s. To a man? Is going up to a man. No.

Never. Do not do that. You don't need to be doing that. A man in 30s is going up to a woman in her 30s. Where are they? Are they in a place? They're at a luxury bar. Okay.

They're at a bar. They're out a place of approach. I don't know. I think just keep it simple. Can I buy you a drink? Listen, I don't want to beat around the bush. Can I get you a drink? I've been looking at you.

No worries either way. Okay, have a great evening. She says no, walk away nice. She says, I'm okay. Thank you. Say, have a terrific evening. I like the no worries either way. Like, don't put too much pressure.

Yeah, hey, was just wondering. You know, it's like Gabby when I met her the first time. And I was like, listen, I don't want to beat her on the bush, but I got to get your number. Love that. You know. Did she give it to you? Well, her friend, who was a fan of mine, that's how, like, her friend spotted me. And I was like, thank God.

I was very new for me for spotting to be happening. She was with Gab and she said, I'll give you the number, I'll give you the number, because she was a fan of mine. And I said, no, no, no, I'm not getting it from you, I'm getting it from the source and I'm testing it tonight. Wait, how did you guys meet? We met outside. Of? We were, uh, there was like a little like event happening at a bar space. Okay.

Yeah. And I was late to it because I work nights and I got there to meet up with a friend and we were all on our way out. And I got spotted by, by, well, another lesbian who kind of looked like. like me, like one of the more boyish ones, even more boyish than me. So at this point, I thought, well, let's get out of here. This is really, this is not the night. I'm like, I'm like, I'm not gay like that. You know, somebody like that is looking at me. I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm not one of those, I'm not that gay, you know? Like, I don't feel gay with Gabby because I'm like, okay, one's like kind of doing the boy weird thing and one's a girl, like, we kind of have a heteronormative life. So, like, the only gay thing about me is that I'm gay. But other than that, I'm not even gay. But if another lesbian like me, like, or even butcher than me with the buzz cut and the whole hit on me, I'd like, what are you fucking gay? Like, that to me is so gay. And it happens. It'd be too much for you. That's too gay. You have a very specific type that you're going for. Yeah. Just, no, it's not even. Yeah. Like, you know, like, Gab and I make sense to me. So that person was like, and I was like, and I was like, oh, no, no, I love. They were like, oh, no, I love, I'm not gay like that. They were like, oh, thank you so much. I'm happy. It's relating. You know, but then I was like, okay, never. mind you, who are you with? And it was Gabby. And, you know, one of these things doesn't belong.

You know, kind of a dive, you know, lesbian events or not. Let's just say we're not gay men. You know, the event space isn't, you know, the flowers weren't picked up that day and all the stuff that gay men maybe do. But we could use more at our places. But Gab was there. And I was like, well, well, who's this? And they were like, oh, yeah, that's Gabby. The Bachelor. I was like, the Bachelor's gay. but I don't know what the bachelor's doing. Maybe they are gay now. And some of them are, you know, I didn't heard one was gay. I mean, he tricked all these women.

Again, just be gay. Even though people would argue that Gab did that. But bisexuality and women is a lot more, like, they're more open with it. I just think it's not as shameful. Men have, like, shamed each other into, like, not even being able to be their 5% gay, which is a minimum. Maybe for them. But yeah. So I just, I wasn't sure.

I was like, The Bachelor's Gay. Okay, I've missed out on so long of the bat, you know. And, and they were like, oh, no, no, no. You know, she's, she's just exploring. And I'm like, what is she, Dora the Explorer? I was like 28 years old exploring. I said, I don't think so, you know. And I got right to it.

I got right to it. I was like, okay, well, do you, do, I forget what I asked her, but then the second question or something I asked was like, do you come from money? And she was like, eh, duh, and I was like, say no more, I knew she didn't. You know, because people come for money, nothing wrong, but I can't date them. They say we were comfortable or something, right? Wait, why couldn't you date so with money?

To me, it's like dating outside of the faith. Like, I don't, you know, for me, religion isn't the thing that it's like, the day to day, like people who grew up with money versus people who didn't, it's an entire different. It's day in and day out. It's every small thing. You know, I joke about it, but grocery, you know, grocery shopping changes. Everything changes. If I'm not in the mood, whether I have the money or not to spend $9.99 on raspberries from an air one, I'm not in the mood. I don't care if the money is there. I cannot. And she moves on. We understand that language. We're like, that is criminal. We keep it moving. We keep it moving.

right with somebody who grew up differently than that those are those are too many we're not speaking the same language gab and i speak the same language and that's i want somebody who's doing well now by the grace of god um and we both get it we both have our own we don't want to we don't want to we don't want to so i asked her that and she said no you know military like and i said military for sure no money that's wonderful they we don't receive you know and her father is you know her family is amazing and thank you for your service for her entire family, but military family. And I just love that. I love the grit of how she grew up and being a nurse. And I just, there was so many things that lined up. You know, we spoke the same language. Like on paper, we don't look. People like, what an odd couple.

But it's like, the compatibility is through the roof. Did even though you were first told like, oh, she's just exploring. Right. You were right now just like, oh my God, no, not interested. Then you started talking to her. Did you kind of know immediately? What do you mean they're not interested? Like you said like, oh, when you're someone, when the person told you like, oh, she's exploring, you're like, no, what is she, Dorothe Explorer? Like, no, no, no, no way. Like, I'm not interested in that.

No, I didn't say I'm not interested. I said she's just, she already knows. Oh, okay. She's made her to the dyke bar or the dyke event. This is not Dorah the Explorer on an assignment. She's not Anderson Cooper in the war zone reporting back. No, no, no. She knows.

Yeah. I see. She was a little reaching your late. 20s when you're 30. I think, no, you're 16 and you're exploring. Go ahead. But do not come to me. You know, at a certain age.

And tell me you're exploring. So you knew if you got in there. You're like, no, no, no. She's ready. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, she just explored. She had 25 boyfriends. You know, so that didn't, you know, so she's here.

You know, she did her last ditch, hurrah. And I got the final rose. It's unbelievable. How did you and Gabby kind of navigate those early days in your relationship with like the fame of the bachelor and people looking at you guys? Like, how did that go? Honestly, and again, I hate saying this. It could not have gone better. I really am living one of the greatest lives I've heard about.

And it happens to be mine. And I'm like thrilled with it. Like I really thought the worst case scenario. But my observing ego was like, maybe it'll work out something. I'm like, no, this is going to go. Like I told her not to come out. I said, this is not going to be good for Bachelor Nation. They don't want you to be gay.

The fellows are going to go crazy, right? And then I don't need this mob. Bachelor Nation has embraced me. I love you. Everyone is just tremendous to me and to Gab. So it went really well. But I told her, I thought, she doesn't have to come out. People were starting to see us.

I don't love living in secret, but I also was fine to do it because I'm like, oh, she's a lot more public. And, you know, her dating life is specifically public. I'm public with my work, you know, but nobody's really, you know, so it was a new sensitivity or another, you know, and so I told her not to come out because I said, they're going to blame me. They're going to look at us and say, whose fault is this. So obviously this is like, you know, they're going to blame me. And then they're going to find out like, you know, Jewish. It's like we don't need like, forget it. It's all going to calm down to me. I was in no mood. I said, this is a miracle that we even met and that we get to enjoy. But actually it went amazing. And people have been, again, it's like, I hate to say it, but people have been so good to us. Who said I love you first?

Me, of course. Did she say it back right away or no? Yeah. But then she stopped saying it for a minute. So here's what happened. What'd you do? This is the gayest thing about me because I have dated before, but I've been slow.

I never really lived with anyone. I took five years to like maybe, you know, with Gab, I was like 13 days in, like, her down. And I'm like, I just got to like, I, I got to be up front. I am falling in love with you. Because she was like, what is this? And I'm like, this is love. Like, what are we? She's like, what is this? And I don't know. And I'm like, it's love. It's what it is. And I need, so that's what's going on. And we need to confront that, you know. And so I asked her to be my girlfriend. And then, you know, it was very elementary, very sweet, very cute.

very lesbian, which, yeah, but you know what, it's never too late to be a lesbian for the first time I was acting as fast as they say we were. And then, yeah, it was feeling fast for her. So we pulled back. But she was also not trusting. Like in the beginning, like Gabby, you know, and in a healthy relationship or good relationship, ideally you work through your stuff with the person. Like you realize why you are the way you are and you don't, you know what I mean? And it all comes out. So she was having that experience. of like, you know, I guess I didn't trust that, you know, one of her parents would be home when they should be home or they said something to her and it didn't happen, you know, she wasn't able to trust it. But as we committed more and more, she always felt like, even though it felt, like she actually enjoyed the commitment. Like when we became, when we moved in, she was like, oh my God, I really trust that you love me. Like, I really feel better. Like, every step that we did to more commitment, which would seem that she was like a pulling back. But actually when I never, when she was like, okay, yeah, let's move like when she, I would never push or whatever,

she would then feel 10 times closer. When we got married, she even said, she's like, I really trust that you love me. Like it's just about, it's just about we're all coming from our spaces. And in the beginning, she was sometimes afraid to say a feeling that she had because if she spoke up as a child sometimes. And, you know, one day when she, you know, if you want her on her, she's leaving the house or you catch her the right time. She could speak more to this. I hate to share her stuff.

But, um, um, she, what was I saying with the trust? Didn't believe love. Oh yeah. No, yes. You got it. You got it. You're a fucking pro. Got you. I appreciate you. Got you. Yeah. She would, like, if she

expressed her feeling. Let's say something I did annoyed her. I'm annoying. I'm expecting to be like I'm expecting at some point she's going to be annoyed with me. I'm a very annoying person. It's one of my biggest insecurities. I always try not to be. And for people who find me annoying, I'm always trying to talk less and to be less annoying. And unfortunately, part of my anxieties I talk a lot and I am annoying. So it is what it is. But I'm aware and I don't like it either. I don't like it either. But let's say she, you know, I left something where she wouldn't want something or I don't know if I'm like, oh, well, you throw me the leash and she would rather like a throw me this. She wouldn't even say something even as small as that bothered her because

she would think that it's like a fight. She would think that like, oh, I wouldn't love her if something, you know, she's so used to like if she brought up problems as a kid, it was like a problem with her. So that stuff like came out and I'm like, babe, you're going to have a million problems with me. like you're going to be like a million things sometimes I'm going to hurt your feelings like there's going to be so many things and I'm still here I'm here I had the opposite experience

but even though I was so poor my mother was always home so I knew no matter what happened I call it on the walls I fucking flunk this I whatever we got a deal fight the bitch is in the kitchen she's cooking she's where is she's in I know to this day

where my mother is she's in the kitchen the bitch is in the kitchen You know, she was for love or money, poor cooking and doing laundry every single day. She never left the house, right? So that type of stability. So we come from, so where that I can handle a lot. I'm like, bring it on. What is it?

Which is probably so amazing to her, though, but she had never experienced that. And I love what you would said at the beginning, which is so real. It's like sometimes you do have to really individually do the work because your partner can't solve it for you. But then the fun moments in relationships when you realize you're compatible is also realizing like, oh, my baggage and my shit works really well with your baggage and your shit. And what I'm bringing, like, Gabby's like, oh my gosh, let's see if you can handle this. And you're like, this is child's play.

Like, I got you. And she's like, wait, you're not going to run. You're not going to get mad at me. I'm in the kitchen. I'm in the kitchen. I'm in the kitchen. I'm in the kitchen. I'm in the kitchen.

And I love everything. Yeah, like, yeah, it's kind of like, yeah, what you were saying, the baggage, it's like we heal each other through, you know, know, it's like I have the exact, the Genet Seiquot for her and she is exact for my stuff. And it works. So it really, really works in a way that isn't, yeah, we're not solving each other's problems nor is it our responsibility. They just are healing together. And how amazing that like her with her wanting to trust, but not feeling like she could trust, you having, yes, things in your childhood, but you being like, no, no, no, I'm always going to be in the kitchen. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not. And to be that stable force for her to keep proving, like,

proving when you moved in together. And she's like, oh, my God, maybe this is real. Proving when you got married. She's like, oh, my God, you really do love me. You're like, girl, I'm always going to be here. Like, I'm just, nobody is here. Like, I'm just here. That's what, like, it's not, yeah.

So once I decide, I mean, I'm also like that with so many things. I found these glasses 12 years ago. I don't know what I'm going to do. Like, they work. They fit. This is my glasses. Like, I don't rethink. I have one, you know, I decide on the thing.

Babe, look how I am. I used to talk with everything, not just people. You're all in. Like, if I like something, why am I getting new classes? Why am I going to the optomets trying? Like, no, I don't, I like it. It works and I can like something for a long time. I still listen to songs 20 years ago.

Okay, freaking Vanessa Carlton, making my way back home. Nothing like that lyric. I think it's making my way downtown. Oh, yeah. Could be wrong. Listen 20 years and I still don't know the lyrics. but that is a classic.

That's a classic. Like I won't get over it. Making my way back home. Wait, does she ever say that? No, it's making my way downtown. Walk it. Yeah, but that at some point she goes home. She goes home.

Wait, can you tell us in the comments? She does? Look at up. Look at up. I do love a good Vanessa Carlton. Are these real? Yeah, you can eat them. No, no, you can.

Maybe you're not the dead person to eat them. Wait, how long have they been there? We replenish, but they're could be a little dust. You just were planning. There's no way it says making my way back home. She says, making my way downtown. You're right about that.

You're right. Yeah. Face it past and I'm homebound. There I go. And I'm homebound. Yeah, she's homebound. Are we playing a game, ready? Yeah.

Who's more likely to? You and Gabby edition. People hate when I chew on podcast. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. See? See the annoying? I hear you. And I'm going, are they good?

Really. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. All right. Who is more likely to laugh? at an inappropriate time? Me. Or Gab. Gab and I are the same.

Gab and I laugh at everything the same. Like, we both. We are so inappropriate at home. She lets me be me. I let her be her. What is like an inopportune time that you guys have found something funny that you're like, we need to fucking stop right now.

Stop laughing. Stop laughing. It could be an unfortunate circumstance and we're laughing. It's not my fault. Okay. Who's more likely to send back a meal at a restaurant? Me. But I don't send anything back.

It really would have to be very bad. But I'd be more likely. Are you leaving reviews? No, never. I don't know the site. The depths of a person who logs in. I can't even. They're logging in.

The login alone forgot password. Go to the email. Get the code. I, it bewilders. It's bad. It's really scary stuff. Who's more likely to plan a spontaneous date? Me.

What is one of the most romantic things? you've ever done for her? I don't know. We do so many romantic. We love to be romantic together. The most romantic thing. Or just like an example. It doesn't have to be the most.

It's so tough to say. Let me think. Well, I know, but I do romantic things for her all the time. I mean, I drive home from shows and she likes high chews. So if I pick up gas, I go and I grab high shoes and I bring her a snack. You're thoughtful. Or things like that. So there's small day to day and then there's the big grand.

We go horseback riding. booked us a beautiful, you know, I don't want to say the inn, but, you know, they have this and that. So we do, we do big and small romantic things all the time, I think, yeah. Who's more likely to pick a fight? Her. What is the dumbest thing you guys have ever argued over? We, dumb things all the time. And we're over in two seconds. Something that Gab and I have in common, and this is back to the compatibility, none of us hold a grudge. We are ready in two seconds to kiss and sit on the couch together. Like, it, it's the best thing. Well, like, I was, you know, sorry I was like, I'll be like, oh, I was in a moot.

Kiss, kiss, we're back. It's two seconds. Who's more dramatic? I don't know. Maybe her, but not by much. Okay. Who is more likely to spill a secret? I think neither of us.

Really? Of each other? Or just like if someone, how about this? We tell each other every day. I was going to say, are you the couple that's like, if someone tells Gabby's secret and they're like, do not tell anyone. She's like, uh-huh, uh-huh. No, no, she's your spouse, guys.

don't do you're not going to come between my marriage it's like i signed this n d a like she signed this n d a for traders or something one of the shows that she went on to she had to sign an n d a i'm not going to know she won you think an n d a is going to come between me and my wife are you out of your fucking mind are you out of your goddamn mind it's like we know we and we are nba proof okay so you just need to know that industry studios nda gabby wendy knows everything i know and i know everything she knows and that's the way it is I don't see how it could. Like, I think my husband and I had this conversation with someone recently where we're like,

oh, we know everything. Like we tell each other everything. And one of the couples was like, what? And we were like, are we the weird ones or are they the weird ones? And this is making me feel like they're the weird ones. No, they're the weird ones. You know, my friend, Ali, and we debated this, but she told me about somebody, you know, she told me about this, you know, love affair that she was having.

Not an affair like cheating, just a love affair. She was having a romance. And she said, but don't tell Gab, you know, because Gab might know the person or something like this. So I said, okay. Come on. And especially funty like that, I'm running. Bro, I am running.

I am pedal to the medal. I can't wait to tell her. And guess who's hooking up? I walk into the house. Guess who's hooking up? I mean, that's a joy. We have such small joy, so let's have joy while we can. It's just the best.

A great new piping hot tea. You know I love my tea. When it's not also like impacting your life. At all. So you can kind of just like relish in it. And you know she told me that you know she's like come on. Yeah. If you think that someone's not telling their fucking partner.

I hate when someone says if I sell a friend and it's nothing to do with spouse or telling or whatever. I say don't tell anyone this. And they go, who am I going to tell? go, what kind of a response is that? I don't care. I don't care. Even if you had no one to tell.

Even if you were in jail cell, I don't care. No one. I don't want to fathom who you have, who you don't have. I don't know you're friends with this week and who you're not. What kind of response when somebody says,

don't tell anyone, who am I going to tell? I don't know. That's not the response that. You say, you say, don't tell anyone you go, I will not. I will not. Because you know what it is. You're right.

And people have said that to me before. And now I'm like, oh, fuck, have I ever said that to anyone? It's almost like you're kind of already admitting guilt. You're like, who would I tell? Like, I have no one to tell. I don't know. Yeah, you do. There's always someone to tell.

There's someone to tell. It's like, who would, and it's just not a relevant response to that. I don't know how we got to that. And that's got to go. Yeah. Because there's always someone to tell. There's always someone to tell. And you may not have someone to tell today, but you could tomorrow.

I don't care. I have nothing to do. I just said don't tell anyone. I didn't ask who. You have a comedy special called Wake Up currently out on Netflix. Congratulations. Thank you. I mean, from the beginning of this, you saying, like, I gave it six months.

I was going to see people liked it. I know. I was good with my accounting position. I know. You know? And now here you are on Netflix. How does that feel? It's unreal.

I mean, John Mullaney, who is one of the greatest stand-ups ever, end of our time. you know, called me out of the blue on this. It's like, and I wasn't, you know, John Mullaney's in a suit. He's so polished, you know, that he would jive with someone like me. But again, it's about that compatibility. You know, he just was tremendous. He put his weight behind me. This is the fellas helping.

You want to be a good dude? This is the way to fucking do it. And he got it done. And I showed up for him. I said, well, I'm going to bring, all I can do is bring you an amazing hour of material. I got, you got me and I will not let you down. And we went out there and we did our shit in one night. Were you nervous at all? No, I was, I'm always nervous. I mean, when you ask me if I'm nervous, I wake up nervous.

Okay. You know, it's my baseline. Um, but I, it's also an excitement. I'm very, I know how to chat. Like, I'm just always a little bit of a nervous person, but especially nervous for this. No, it's always before I go on. as soon as I get on stage, I'm home. I feel like all the lights. It's just me. And I trapes around like it's my living room. I feel so comfortable. It's all the beginning and the stuff around it.

But as soon as they call me up and I got the mic and I know I have some stuff to say and everybody just sit the fuck down, we're going to get through it. I feel so at ease. It's almost like the talking to you or the small talk that I have to experience or the handshaking or the small social gals. gatherings that I'm more nervous than when I get onto that stage where I feel completely home. People go, do you get nervous in front and out of these big theaters? I was thinking the other week, I'm like, I think the bigger, the better for like, I feel amazing in these theaters. It's feeling so warm. It's feeling like an apartment I walked in and turned the lights on and they work and the water is running hot. And it's just a great spot. I'll take it. Everything I do, I'm,

I just take seriously and I enjoy doing. So I'll continue. This is how I toil, basically, how I do stand up, I write, and I act. And I'm continuing to do it on bigger and bigger scales. But within due time, you know, I'm working on my own show for HBO. Obviously a dream, but it's not to say that my first part on hacks wasn't a dream. They're all part of the dream. And they're all just, you know, snowballing into the, they're all just growing the dream.

So it's all good. I'll be on tour. I love seeing you guys in these theaters. I've never felt more at home. And it's all sold out. I looked at your website. I know. And we're just dropping.

When this comes out, I think, we're dropping the next, you know, swag two of the tour, so to speak. Congratulations. Yeah, thank you. So just doing just, yeah, just I live again one of the greatest lives. I'm building on my life with Gabby. And we just love it. So I really, I wish, yeah, I don't know how humble that sounds. I'm just really grateful and I'm really thrilled.

Well, I think we can all agree you've done a wonderful job. Have I very, very nervous to be on this? Why? No, because I'm not so familiar. I have no clue what's going on. I think you've done an excellent job. They said you would ask pointed questions. I said, okay, I don't know if it's like, you know, who wants to be a millionaire.

I'm like trying to get my facts. I didn't know. But they said, you know, she can be realized. I said, okay, well, I'm going to, you know, I can't. say anything other than what I said. But also, like, I wanted to just have fun with you. You're a really entertaining person. I was excited to get to know you. I'm excited for my audience to continue to get to know you. I wanted to have a nice, we're in May, you know. It's unreal. The weather's good. Yeah. Our feet are up. You're eating jelly beans. You finish your tea. You didn't drink the bag in front of me,

make me vomit. Call her daddy, baby. Look at this. See, this is all part of the dream, actually. We did it. See, I'm not upset with the other podcasts I've done. I'm just saying we're now on call her daddy. That is all I'm saying. No, this was such a pleasure. You were so fun. Thank you. Your wife also was such an incredible host on our reality show. How good was she? I know. And people think I'm biased, but she's objectively good. I'm asking others. When I would get the cuts and I would see her sections were like, this woman's a star. Oh, right, because it was your, and that's true. So I'm in post-eddit watching her and we're watching her different takes. And I'm like, how do you pick a take. Like every take was amazing. And you let her get away because she was like she was saying

some shit and thank God you guys let her get away being her. I know. I said to everyone, I said if this is our host, you have to let her be Gabby and let her do her thing because you can't dilute it to just for television, make sure it's friendly. Like let Gabby rip because that is when she's at her best. I agree. And when she was calling people perverts, I was like, yes. You know, it's not, I wish they weren't. It's like people ask me, how do I come up with my ideas for comments? and why do I talk about pedophilia? I wish I didn't know of pedophilia. I wish I didn't know it, fellas, but you have outdone yourselves and now it's in my head and I don't want it there. So I bring it to you. We got to talk about it. Robbie Hoffman on Instagram. We will be dropping the new dates.

Thank you so much. Thank you for coming. Alex for having me.