Call Her Daddy - SOS I've been Friend Zoned

Episode Date: September 12, 2021

Did someone say…mini episode? This week, wisdom is spewing out of Father Cooper’s asshole like lava. Should you believe a guy when he says you need to be “friends” so he can “work on himself”? Big Al also advises on topics ranging from the classic small penis problem to how to properly go to titty-town. In the spirit of health and wellness (and growth) let's revisit an old topic – do men love “the crazy”? Lastly, just to make sure we stay on brand, let’s discuss therapy and drugs. Honestly, does this episode even count as a mini? Enjoy daddies!

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. It's the holiday season, and whoop-de-doop, hickory dicky, don't forget, Santa Claus is coming tonight. Hello, hello, hello. This is another mini episode of Call Her Fucking Daddy. There is a crowd of people that call themselves the silent sufferers. And they don't like when chalk. What? Wait, this is color daddy.

This isn't Gossip Girl. Chalk. Rufus. Dan. Blair. Jenny. Dorota. Okay, guys, guess what?

Questions of the motherfucking week Okay, all you assholes that are Silent sufferers, this is the thing I also recognize you do listen to this show So I'll give you guys a fucking break this week Questions of the motherfucking week Okay, I'm sorry, I had to Questions of the motherfucking week

Questions of the motherfucking week Bitches questions of the motherfucking week bitches here we go number one what does it mean if a guy says i felt too much for you at once after my toxic relationship can we be friends for a bit so I can work through my past shut the fuck up for for context he got out of his three-year toxic relationship four months ago okay I would well my first reaction is the fact that he said you're saying it he got out of it four months ago if it was four days ago I'd be like okay fine take time for your fucking self go to church and pray about it but the fact that it was four months ago that's two months away from half of a fucking year so he's basically been removed from it basically a year already and he's not

over it. I don't buy this one crock of shit at all, but let me just kind of like, let me think of this. Okay. I think my biggest advice would be you need to use context clues here. Okay. Contextual clues. We are blues clues and we are evaluating the situation was blue. The dog. And then the guy was like, didn't he go to jail? It doesn't matter. You could potentially be dating a man that's going to jail. Okay. And you don't want to be in that sit. You're like, what? He's literally toxic. He's not a fucking murderer. You never know. Listen, I think my advice would be this. I completely understand the concept of wanting to like work on yourself after a long relationship. I've been there. I've taken that journey myself, especially after a

toxic one. But I would actually say it's a red flag if someone rushes from one relationship to the next that's why I was saying like was this four days but then the fact that he's saying it's four months that doesn't make sense to me because it's like bro you've had time what have you been doing for the past four fucking months so I think you also need to take this statement and look at the context like I need to know more about this guy is this guy someone who actually appears to be working on himself? Like, what kind of work are you seeing, Rebecca? Does he have the Bible next to his fucking bed? Or is he the fucking guy that's like your local fucking frat boy star? And he's at he's showing up to your fucking family Thanksgiving blackout and he's like railing fucking lines in the bathroom. And then he's fucking downing the

turkey in the fucking pumpkin pie. I'm just kidding. If he's on cocaine, you know, skinny legend, he will not be eating the turkey nor the pumpkin pie. The point is the guy that you're dating is a cocaine addict. And the point, what? No, the point is, is you need to use context clues. Like how big of a douche is this guy versus what kind of toxic relationship was he in I think you I would need to know that more and then you kind of would have your answer if it's a guy that's like listen and kind of can give you really great examples of how his relationship was toxic and how he wants to change fine we'll give him a fucking pass but like I don't know I don't really trust people when they say can we be friends I need to work on myself I'm gonna be honest like I have met guys

that just got out of something but if the connection is there I don't really feel like they ever would friend zone me it would be more of like a even if they're like let's take this slow that's a huge fucking difference between let's take this slow I'm so fucking into you but I don't want to fuck this up because my past relationship was so fucking toxic like I want to make sure that I'm being the best version of myself so I don't fuck this up with you as opposed to being like hey listen can we just be friends for a bit? Yeah. No, I just came to the conclusion. He's not into it. A guy is never going to ask a girl to like be friends for a minute if he's actually like really fucking into you.

At least he would at least be like, let's be friends with fucking benefits. Am I fucking right? He's like elbowing you in the chest. Like, let's still fuck, but just not a relationship. No, I would not give this guy the time of day in terms of putting all eggs in one basket. If he wants to be friends, that's amazing. And make sure you have many other friends on that fucking roster, sweetheart, because if this toxic dick is going to put you in the friend zone, you better not be waiting for that fucking dick till he what wakes up and feels fucking whole and holy

again sweetie he's not fucking reading the bible he's fucking in and around every fucking pussy in town okay that was toxic but you know what i'm saying just don't believe a guy or a girl when they say let's be friends i I'm working on myself. Listen, we love to give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure there are some people that are working on themselves, but if you're really into someone, you don't friend zone them. You just say, let's take it slow. So that just line right there gives me the contextual clues. Yeah, I just figured out for you. Move on or keep them in your life, but just don't only talk to him. Don't stop your life for someone that's working on themselves because they're actually not.

He's doing cocaine in your family bathroom. Next. Hello, father. I'm in a bit of a predicament. My boyfriend has the smallest penis in the entire world. And on top of it, he's heavier. So it kind of gets hidden under his belly. He's good at eating out, but the sex is a nightmare and it puts me in a bad mood.

I would be in a bad mood too, sweetie. Okay. Should I ditch him? This like breaks my heart because it's like it makes me sad for men like we can get tit jobs we can get fucking all the things in the world fixed and like guys it's like you're fucking dealt the hand you're fucking given and you better go through life and just like accept it like that sucks that you're saying he has the smallest penile in the world. Like that's a rough go. However, I think I would be like, okay, let's be a little kind to yourself and him right now. So what I heard you say is he's really good at eating you out. So this tells me that he actually wants and is capable of pleasuring you, which may be as rare. I would go as far to say that could be as rare as also a good size fucking dick. You don't find a lot of men that know what

they're fucking doing down in the deep end. Do you know what I fucking mean? So I would say this is a good thing. Okay. So there's hope. Maybe if the tummy happens to lose a few inches one day, the penis will gain a few also. That's also wishful fucking thinking that like he will all of a sudden like that extra couple LBs will go right to the dick and it will shoot the fuck up. No, I'm going to be realistic. Let's dive a little deeper. That's not going to happen. Um, what makes the sex a nightmare? I think that is like the biggest question I have for you and you can take with you on this journey today. Are you solely focused on the penis size? Because I would advise you to maybe take a step back and

evaluate like, are you so in your fucking head that you're projecting this nightmare you are projecting the fucking nightmare before Christmas onto your goddamn sex life and his penis is little baby Scrooge okay what is the situation okay I don't want you to go to like we're not gonna penis shame and call her daddy small dicks have potential. If you know how to use it and toys, please don't forget toys can be large. Actually, they can be very large, my friend. Um, but I would keep in mind, like, listen, if you're in a committed relationship, I wouldn't immediately jump ship because of penis size. However, are there other issues going on and you actually want out and the peen is, and you're using the peen for the scapegoat? That's, that's really the question here. I'll

leave you with that. Um, but nope, I won't because I'm going to keep going for a minute. I would say this, I'm going to be real. Sex is a big part of a relationship and if you're feeling really unsatisfied that is a huge factor in your happiness in a relationship it fucking sucks man I wish I'm sure guys listening to this if you have a fucking small dick and you're I'm being like yeah I guess leave him if you're not satisfied like that does suck because you can't do anything about it but you also have to like take care of yourself if you know genuinely for the rest of your life you're going to be fucking horrified every time you're fucking this dude that's not going to work I know a lot of fucking chicks that are like dating a guy they think is so fucking hot and the dick isn't that big but they're like I don't give a fuck he could get me off with that little small weenie better than any big fucking huge schlong

could like I think it's more than the dick the way that you're saying you're like disgusted I think that also has to do probably with more elements and it's not just your sex life and then the sex life is 10 folding up on the disgusting scale to you because of other factors so if you're saying your sex life is a nightmare and you're disgusted I would I would have I would actually first ask you to write down what else is wrong. Like force yourself to look at other aspects of your relationship that aren't working and don't think about sex and then make a decision from there. Okay. Illy.

Okay. Hi, father. Do you talk to your therapist about your drug use? AKA if you went out and did blow one night? You know, that's a great question. I was grappling with this issue the other week. You see, sometimes in life you go into therapy and you're ready to give every fucking detail of your life. It's interesting because for my personal experience, if the drugs had like a specific element in the story, like, yeah, I was really fucked up on whatever drug.

I don't personally ever engage in drugs. Everyone's like, you literally just said that you were dealing with this issue last week. The point is, is it's not about me, it's about you. You're the one that wrote in, so take some account of fucking ability. Okay. Um, I would say that if the story has something like directly is number one, if you have a fucking, if you think you have a drug problem, yeah, maybe tell your fucking therapist. Number two, if drugs were affecting you in a moment and it has to do with

the fucking contextual clues of the story and it would help your therapist know like, Oh, by the way, I was fully fucking rolling or like, Hey, I was on ecstasy or like I was on fucking heroin. I would definitely just tell her those contextual clues. So she has an overarching idea of what she's working with. And you weren't just like flinging yourself off a balcony because you were sober. Do you know what I mean? Like I made that decision because I was so fucking high on XYZ. That will also help her understand like your mental state. But I would like to also advise you that remember, and a gentle reminder, I'm never pushing. We're just gently stroking. Your therapist is not a priest. Sorry to all my Catholics listening. Okay. I am myself Catholic,

but your therapist isn't your priest, okay? And therapy is not a confessional. Although now that I think back, I have not been to, what is it called? Reconciliation. I haven't been to confession a long time. And so I sometimes do look at my therapist like a priest, although she is a woman. So I don't look at her like a nun, but sometimes I treat her like that, okay? But just remember, it's not a confessional. You don't need to start your session with forgive me therapist for I have sinned. I was on ecstasy last night and I cut off my friend's hands. Like you don't need to go into that kind of fucking detail.

I will always advocate to like, be honest with your therapist. Cause it's like, dude, why are you fucking paying this person? And they're not allowed to legally say anything. So if you're like, I keep spending half of my paycheck on coke and it's really causing me issues. Like or in general, you did coke and it's causing me anxiety. Talk to your fucking therapist. If it's having a direct effect on something that's going on. Yes. But I would say if you did like, listen, if you did like one, one little itty bitty snowflake key bump in the bathroom, all is fucking well. PSA though,

drugs will kill you. Okay. Just like mean girls. They said sex will kill you. So will drugs. Bye. Next number four. Hi father. I'm already reading this one and I'm getting a little, okay. Do you still hold the same stance that men love the crazy? I've recently gotten into a debate with my boyfriend about this and would love your up-to-date opinion. I absolutely love the new trajectory the show has taken. Thank you for everything. What a great fucking question. Let me think about this for a minute. I would say yes. They do love the crazy. This is like a 19 pronged response. Number one, if a man is out for a crazy fucking night with his boys, he's not looking to bring home Betty Sue, mother Teresa, home baking banana fucking bread spreading bitch. OK, that's the truth.

He's not looking for wifey. He's looking for crazy. He's looking for the woman that he, again, envisions is going to split on his fucking dick. Do the splits on my dick, baby. And that naturally, and this is just what like society has deemed. If a girl is crazy, sometimes they, men are going to think that they're good in bed. So I think if you're asking me, men love the crazy when they want to one, have like a crazy quick fling of like a wild sex moment. Yeah. He loves the crazy. Now, if it's a guy that is looking for a relationship, I'm going to say still yes, but like sprinkled with salt. Okay. Men don't.

And I think this actually goes for both men and women. I hate that we're just using men, but like, I think people in relationships, it's definitely fun to have a flare, a flare gene. It's come back a flare of crazy. It's never been more prevalent to have a little bit of crazy with the side of also completely stable. If that makes sense. Like I feel like guys and girls personally for me also, I would say, I like a guy that can like go fucking blackout for a minute behind the eyes and maybe like, oh my God, like who are you? And I like to date multiple people almost. It keeps it fun and fresh and flirty. And I think everybody likes that. Like we, we grow up and we see like everybody loves the chase, which is fucking true. I literally talked about it in the episode with Laren when we were like, you want the stable, but you also want the unpredictable.

And you want the like, oh, my God, I feel comforted. But you also want the unknown because it gets your fucking blood pressure up. So I think in terms of do men love the crazy, I think we can rewrite the question more as in dating, do people love the crazy? And I think the now elevated answer is like, maybe let's adjust the word crazy. I think people love a little bit of unknown and adrenaline. Okay. And I think it's fun to not be so sure about everything in life, especially when it comes to dating. Like there's moments for me where I will jokingly do stuff with my boyfriend to like keep it fun. Now I'm not doing what I used to do and like trying to make him feel fucking insecure, but maybe when we're going out one night, I will lightly start joking about like talking about a guy that

I see and like that doesn't sound healthy but like we can like I would do something not crazy with him but semi-crazy almost that would like get his blood pressure rushing of like oh fuck like it's not like we're sitting at dinner and we're talking about fucking kids I'm talking about the guy that I see that's hot and asking him like wait if you had to pick a girl right right now in this restaurant that you would want to fuck pick her out and it can't be me like go pick one and it makes him uncomfortable and he's like okay Alex stop I'm like no do it like I want to know who you would fuck in this restaurant and I will do the same like let's see little moments like that. You could say that's fucking crazy. Why are you doing that? But it's all in good fucking fun spirit. If I then went and fucked the man in the bathroom and cheated on my boyfriend. Yeah. Crazy. But like, do you get

what I'm saying? I don't know. I think my answer is still yes to a certain extent. And it doesn't just apply to men. I want my dude to not be crazy it's more about keeping us on our toes if that makes sense everything in life is more fun when it's not fully predictable and it's not a for sure thing it's just how humans are like we just I don't know I just think specifically in dating it still does lightly apply with just a couple little tweaks and edits okay father cooper what should I be doing when a guy is sucking on my big fat titties I'm just kidding she wrote when a guy is sucking on my tits um I've always just been sitting on him awkwardly.

I'm always just sitting on him awkwardly. I can't kiss his neck either because the guy I'm hooking up with is ticklish and freaks out if I do. Loser. What? I love a good little tickle. Please help love you and the pod. Okay. Let me visualize here so from this description

the way that I'm imagining it is he's sitting down and you're facing forward on his lap straddling him we love that tits in his face nostrils in between and we're going to, okay? Why the neck would be the obvious and easy go-to for you. Normally, yes, I would agree actually. Yeah. Go for the neck kiss or like sometimes I go for like the ear. That kind of sounds weird, but sometimes I'll like, like bite, like lightly bite the ear or like lick it, which sounds weird or like lick behind the ear or like kind of like bite his neck. It's a weird thing that I do, but it kind of turns me on. It turns him on. But from what I'm realizing, the classic position is now no longer available. And we've been thrown a curveball here. We have a ticklish boy.

We have a ticklish, we have a ticklish boy on our hands, everyone. And how do you approach a ticklish boy? Let's remind ourselves. His face is pressed between your breasts. That literally rhymes. His face is pressed between your breasts and he cannot see you. Okay. He literally cannot see you. Unless sometimes when my boyfriend is sucking my tits, like he'll look up at me. So you could make, he can lightly look up, but he's not actually, they're kind of blackout when they're down there. They're not actually fucking looking at you. So he can't really see you. So although you may feel awkward, this man has no fucking idea what you're up to up there. Okay. While he's going to fucking titty town, you can be, you can be up

there fucking scrolling the gram for all he knows or watching some fucking porn or texting your fucking mother. But we don't do that. We are better than that. We are better than scrolling through the fucking gram and DMing his brother. We are going to utilize our hands. I would say one hand can go behind his head so you can like really. Actually, one also that can be used almost as like a fucking harness. Sometimes I'll put the palm of my hand around his neck and you kind of pull him closer into the titty.

So he's really getting that suction cup action. And he's like, you're almost you're almost you're almost force feeding his fucking head into the breast, into the titty. Suck the milk, milking that motherfucker so he knows who his fucking daddy is. Do you get that? If you're not into the mommy son role play, which I can, I can imagine you may not be. We could just go with the simple, put your hand behind his, his head and just kind of like lightly run your fingers through his fucking hair. That's a more basic one, like little light scalp massage action. I actually do that a lot. Like you run your fingers up and like almost don't do a, like a, literally a scalp massage where it's like relaxing or maybe kind of like be pulling a little bit. And then I think the other hand can go on whether

it's his back or dude, take your other fucking hand and put it down on his fucking dick. Like start, even if he has his pants on and this is like a pre little fuck situation, start taking your hand and aggressively like rubbing on his dick. And if you're not in a position that it's, you're able to get there, move and get in that position. I think that also you're overthinking it. Let the man suck the fucking titty like let the man get in and around the areola lick around the fucking titty get it hard and then after he's done that you can go get him hard but like you're overthinking it and if anything you're feeling awkward within yourself and he does not feel awkward at all a man that can put his face up

to a fucking tit and go to suck town. He's a fucking grown ass man that is able to perform at the best of one's ability and you're in your head. So don't get in your head. Also, I do think that you could then push him down and while he's sucking on your tits, you can rub your clit. Like there's so many options that I think you can just get a little bit more agile. Like your clit is not being stimulated. And I bet getting your tits suck will feel a lot better if you're rubbing your own clit. You know what I mean? Overall, it's a great opportunity for everyone involved and you just have to get out of your head. No, seriously, girls. But I will say, listen, I remember like there's been times where there's also a different caliber of man. Like

when my boyfriend, my boyfriend is like very, I love how I say very good at like sucking tits, like what, but do you know what I'm saying? Like you've had guys where I've looked down and I'm like, are you okay? And it's just like a little like and they're literally like lightly sucking the nipple and they look so uncomfortable and it's like a little baby bird pecking at your fucking nipple and I'm like bro or there's a guy that's fully smothering his fucking fat forehead up against your chest and his mouth is devouring your tits like those guys are blackout the ones that, yeah, I get you may feel awkward. Overall, just make sure you're always pleasuring yourself. So rub your fucking clit. Okay.

How do I stop giving off friend zone vibes to every guy I talk to? Oh, Lauren, did you write this in? She's going to be like, fuck you. I was talking to Lauren literally about this the other day. That sounded mean. Everyone's like, oh my God, are you and Lauren in a fight? No. Lauren and I joke about this. Lauren keeps being like, Alex, I think I did it again. Like, okay. So Lauren was talking to a guy and she, I asked to read some of her text messages and I asked to hear a couple of the conversations. I was like, I need to get a vibe of this guy. I've never met him. Like, give me an idea of like what this guy is like. And Lauren started explaining. And I was like, Lauren, this sounds like you're reporting to me. Um, someone that's a coworker. This is a full coworker situation. I didn't realize you were

trying to fuck your co-worker Lauren and she was like oh no this is not my co-worker Alex and I was like the point is is you're giving very corporate vibes Lauren's really approaching it in the more buttoned up blazer corporate vibe rather than slutty fucking two shoes with a little lingerie on Lauren I, and I were discussing that she has a tendency to friend zone people because she basically was in a relationship, not trying to joke. We've talked about this also. I love how it's like defend myself. Like I promise we've talked about this, but Lauren was in a relationship where it was a friend vibe. And so there was no like lust and sexualness. And so Lauren like looked at me and

she was like I don't even know if I know how to fucking flirt like what the fuck like how wait how do I give off like fucking vibes like I want to fuck and so I think this is my advice there's a lot of situations of how you can give off more non-friend zoning vibes. First of all, body language. And I guess, well, take out the fucking body, baby. Just language in fucking general. I think let's start with the physical though. That's the easiest.

I'm not saying you need to grab his dick. I mean, you can, but, and that would put it right out there. You are not my friend, okay? You could always grab his dick and go for the over the pants hand job to secure your spot as more than a friend. OK. And what I mean by that is like if you're at a fucking bar with a group of people and you're feeling like you're you're fading into the distance, you're all taking group shots god forbid you're all every fucking shot that night is a group shot and he never pulls you aside because you're giving him friendzone vibes that you only want to be in group settings with him when you're taking that group shot you then take your hand and you kind of lean over and you like rub your hand over his pants and you can look at him and be like next one we're taking by ourselves over at the bar. And you give little moments like that where you're not being over the top.

Like I want to fucking marry you and freak this person out. But you're giving little isolated moments that give the cue of, oh, I'm fucking down and I'm into you. And again, listen to how I said that. You're talking about a shot, but you're also having your hand on his fucking penile when you're telling him you're going to go take an individual shot. So it's showing one, I want to be alone with you for a second. And two, my hand somehow is on your dick that cannot indicate I want you to be my friend, but you're not being like, I really like you like go fuck yourself. it's verbal cues and physical cues and you don't really need to say

much other than something that just involves the two of you but is not too forward and aggressive that makes you seem like a fucking stage five clinger I'm like hey I know we just got here 10 minutes ago but like let's go to dinner by ourselves and let's get out of here no um so I think number one, leaning closer, lock like eye contact. I know that's so fucking like classic, but like giving it a little stronger than you would with like the cashier that's checking you fucking out at Whole Foods. The, if you, I want you to think about how could you make the Whole Foods cashier man feel uncomfortable giving him very intense eye contact. Okay. Then do it to the guy when you're at the bar

do you see what I'm saying like when it also comes to conversation I think let's steer it away from anything work related and I would also say family related like we don't want you to sound like number one you're going through your resume and like this is a job interview I think that's one thing that Lauren is so good at having. She's so passionate about her work and she's so smart. And that's something that attracts men to her. But I also, I've always, I've encouraged her recently. Like I am, I want you to test yourself and see if you can go on a date and like lightly, obviously don't be a weirdo if they're asking you about your work and you're like, I don't know, I don't work. So anyways, next question and be like a weirdo and avoid it. Lightly talk about work for a second, but try to steer away from more intense topics like that. And also family shit, keep it light.

How many siblings, where are you from? Do you like where you grew up? What was the vibe there? That kind of thing instead of like, here's all my fucking baggage. The vibe is light and flirty. I think overall, if someone was like, why do I keep friend zoning someone? I think it also has to do with you are not fully confident. I think you're internally you may be confident but when it comes to like exercising those moments of like oh my god I remember Alex said like lightly put my hand even listen it doesn't have to be on his dick you could just put it on his fucking thigh like I know I take it to the extreme sometimes but like try to when this is what I would say. If you feel like you keep friend zoning someone, try something in your head, you know, you would probably never do and feels a little uncomfortable because it probably means that you're not comfortable with yourself of like maybe making that gesture. And I dare you to do it. I remember I used to do this in college. Like, okay, one, two, three, put your hand on his thigh, lean in, be like, let's go take a shot. You just making that physical contact, or even if you're not okay with the thigh, kind of like lightly grab his bicep and not like squeeze it like a fucking medicine ball, you psychos. I'm like, hey. And they're

like, what the fuck? Are you okay? Like lightly just put your hand on him and be like, let's go take a shot. And then kind of like squeeze it a little bit and then get up. Those moments you may feel uncomfortable doing it, but those are little tiny body language gestures that immediately let someone know I'm into you and then let them reciprocate and let them do the next one. But you taking initiative and not just, listen, you can have great connection with someone speaking for hours. I used to do it. Lauren literally was like, we would FaceTime for four hours. And I'm like, that's great. But like, did you once say like, oh my God, you look so hot or like, oh my God, like what is your, like put them on the spot

and ask like something like jokingly sexual even if it's a joke implementing some sexualness to the conversation is necessary because if you go too long in the conversation without it you're that is eventually how you're going to literally put yourself in the friend zone or put that make them feel like they're in the friend zone. You need to be a little bit aggressive and go for the kill lightly at times. You can't stay stagnant and in the fucking. I was about to say the shallow end. You got to dive into the deep end.

And if you don't know how to dive fucking belly flop and I'm sure something great will come out of it. OK. It may hurt a little bit for a second, but the reward is you went into the fucking deep end and now you're out of the fucking shallow end and now you're in the fucking game, baby. Okay. What a fucking great analogy. Oh. Hi, daddy. Are dating apps worth it? pride myself for i pride myself for never using dating apps that's stupid and i don't know if it's good or bad or if it's just my fat ass if it's just my

fat ass she said fat ass ego i like to think i'm traditional and classy and I want to find love the old fashioned way. But I broke up with my toxic ex early this summer. And to be honest, a bitch is bored. My roster has dwindled to zero and I have no male attention or entertainment. I don't want to use dating apps, but all my friends recommend them. And I'm starting to think it might fill the void. LOL. Should I stay strong? Stay strong what the fuck and I hope I meet some dude out in the wild

you going hiking or should I just give in love you bunches love you fucking bunches too baby get on the fucking dating apps what the fuck are you doing? Wake up, sweetheart. There is no old-fashioned way anymore. What are you, my fucking grandma? Do you also not have Instagram? Like, let's get it together here and let's not, listen, why are you trying to avoid, get with the times, baby. Get with the fucking times. No, this is, this is my advice. I will admit, let's all just be honest here. We close your eyes, picture yourself on the aisle. I'm not going to lie. It is 10 times fucking hotter, sexier, and just all encompassing a better feeling. If someone comes up to the two of you on your wedding day and they say, Oh, tell me your fucking story again. How did the two of you fucking meet?

And you get to say, oh, hi, Aunt Susie. You know, it was the craziest thing. I was walking down Fifth Avenue, Starbucks in hand. And all of a sudden, through the rush of the crowd, this man in a suit tall, 6'4", smashed into me in my fucking Starbucks, went all over my white fucking top and my titties came out through the fucking white shirt. And he started wiping my shirt down,

being like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Let me buy you a new coffee and a new shirt. And all of a sudden we were banging in the fucking Starbucks, Aunt Susie. That's how we met. It was meant to fucking be that we were both on Fifth Avenue at the same time, the same day. That's ideal. Maybe not that one to tell your Aunt Susie, but you get it. You're like, you look like you're lactating coffee. That's not as romantic, but you get it. We met in a bar. We met on a ski trip. We met in Costa Rica. We met in the Alps. We met on a fucking fishing trip in Alaska. Oh, kill me. You get what I'm saying? That would be, yes, what the fairy tales tell us, okay?

You were in your fucking castle, and you fucking got rescued by a prince. It's not reality. I mean, I don't think Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are doing too great, okay? It's not all fairy tales, people. So this is what I would say. Most of the time when you hit someone on the street or you see someone on the street, he's a serial killer. The reality is you want that quick like,

ooh, like brush on the streets. It's not usually going to come out well because you can't do recon. You have no ability to stalk anything. And that is the beauty of social media. There's a lot of cons. Okay. There's a lot of cons. And I could do an entire research paper and thesis an entire season about how much social media is fucking us all in the asshole raw dog style. But I'm not going to get into that right now. The point is, is dating apps, right? Okay. We're really going

on a journey. The point is, is that dating apps gives you an ability to CIA these motherfuckers. OK, if you have the right tools, which is you're savvy with social, you have an ability to essentially go on a date before you go on a date. You know what I'm fucking saying, baby? you can date this person before you date him or her like you do not need to stress about does that story add up like how many times have you gone on a date with someone that you just or you meet them at a bar and they are talking high game oh yeah I went to fucking Cornell and I got a 4-0 and I was on the fucking lacrosse team and then you get home and you google it and nowhere to be found was he on the Cornell lacrosse team actually turns out he was at the fucking community college on the fucking lacrosse team which is fine but you would

have known that had you been able to do your research so sorry I'm going on a ramp but the point is is that I think that dating apps yeah maybe it's not as like cool to meet on them you're actually setting yourself up for potentially a better outcome and don't get me fucking twisted there are loser beyond losers on dating apps that are just there to like fucking fill a sick void of whatever fucking happy happened with their mommy daddy issues when they were younger and you get so many bad matches I get it and sometimes it's exhausting but I do think there's no harm in getting on them especially if you're saying that you're bored and you need male attention sweetheart get on the fucking app or what you can do

is start DMing people on Instagram but is it much much different? No. So I don't know. I think being open to the fact that it's 2021 and it's only going to get fucking worse from here. We're going to be walking around with goggles soon that we can like fucking see through people's clothing and we can like see the rating of their fucking Uber on their head and their fucking hinge rating and their riot acceptance or decline. Like we're going to see it all above people's heads. So why not enjoy it now where it's just a little app and we're not walking around with goggles. I have no idea what I just said, but I hope these questions and this conversation

really sparked something within some of you on this little mini episode on this glorious, glorious Sunday. I hope you guys have a good Sunday. I want anyone that's hung over have no fear this too shall pass okay and drink a liquid iv make yourself some fucking tea go watch a tv show i put on my instagram story i'd watch white lotus highly recommend i'm in the middle of watching nine perfect strangers highly recommend um if you haven't watched sex life that's always a good one to get you horny. Good little one to little like wank one out to when you're watching them fuck.

And then if not, fucking Love Island and actually Bachelor in Paradise fucking sucks asshole. So don't watch that. But there's a lot of good shows. And if not, read a fucking book. Like I said the other week, Esther Perel. She's really moving mountains over here, people. Okay. I'm feeling in my feels every time I read that book.

What was I saying? Oh, yeah. If you're hungover, if you're not hungover, uh, live and let live, you know, journal, think about yourself and your self-worth and gain the confidence to really make it happen for yourselves. Guys, many episodes are all about just moving and grooving and embracing that life, life is, life is, uh, life is a tricky road and nothing is guaranteed. So just what the fuck am I saying? Daddy gang,

I hope you guys had a great fucking Sunday. You continue to have a great fucking Sunday and you know, the motherfucking drill. I will see you fuckers next Wednesday.