Call Her Daddy - Stop Forcing Your Friends to Drink

Episode Date: December 25, 2024

Join Alex for a cozy solo episode where she reveals she bought her parents a house in LA! Alex reflects on what losing her childhood home means to her and how she has approached working on some of her complicated family dynamics over the years. She then answers a few questions of the week and goes deep on how to handle friends who constantly pressure you to drink and how to know when it’s a healthy amount of doubt or when you’re just in the wrong relationship. Enjoy!

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper with Call Her Daddy. Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas. Daddy Gang, Merry Christmas from my family to yours. I can only imagine what you guys are doing this morning. Maybe you are curled up by the fire doing a seance because your boyfriend fucked you over and you now have to spend the entire Christmas season alone with your family and your entire family is literally annoying the fucking shit out of you and you're miserable and this is the one thing that's going to get you through today. Hi, hello, I see you, I love you. Maybe you're enjoying the holidays, maybe you are a holiday goer and everything about you leads up to this one moment of the year

and you fucking love Christmas or Christmasmica, whichever you, you know, my husband is Jewish, I'm Catholic, we celebrate both in this family, okay? We are inclusive here. Regardless, Merry Christmas, I'm so happy to bring you a new episode of Call Her Daddy today. I'm going to tell you guys what is going to be going on in my life right now during Christmas because we have some big changes going on in the Cooper Kaplan household. So, so far every Christmas with Matt, we've kind of spent it in different

locations. One time we spent it in London together, we've spent it in California together, we've spent it in Utah together, skiing with my family and so on. But this year we are shaking things up. And I suggested we go back to good old Pennsylvania. Now I wasn't just being a martyr, you know, and saying let's go back to Newtown, Pennsylvania just for the thrill of it,

when we have gorgeous California at our fingertips. I was really saying, let's go back to Pennsylvania, because I can't believe I'm saying this, and it probably means nothing to all of you, but it's a huge deal to me. My parents are officially selling my childhood home. are officially selling my childhood home. My parents are officially selling my childhood home. My parents are officially selling my childhood home.

And if any of you still have your parents that live in the home that you were born in and grew up in, you know the sentimental value that that thing holds, right? Like when I look back at my childhood home, my parents have had it my entire life. So for 30 years, it's all I've known. Every time I visit my parents, it's at that location, right? And I have had so many memories there. I grew up with my two siblings there.

My parents, my grandmother lived with us at one point. I lived on a cul-de-sac. I had the Bowers and the Volpe's next to me. All the kids would be in the fucking cul-de-sac playing capture the flag, okay? And it started, you know, as capture the flag. And then it started to like, you know, start fingering each other and experimenting and you get felt up in the bushes in the back of the, uh, of the woods.

Like the woods was where we tried our first alcohol. I remember my first sip of vodka was out of a Pringles can in the woods in Pennsylvania behind my house. And my house had these woods behind it. So everyone would always kind of congregate Pennsylvania behind my house and my house had these woods behind it so everyone would always kind of congregate directly behind my house. And I did some of the most fucked up brilliant shit back there. It's really who I am to the core. Alex Cooper that lives in LA right now, she would be nothing without Philly bitch Alex

Cooper. Okay. So it's sad. And I figured since they're selling it, this would be our last Christmas to all come together and do one last big hurrah in Pennsylvania together. So Matt and I are bringing the dogs, me, Matt, Henry and Bruce are going to, first we're starting our Christmas in New York City.

And we decided, cause my sister lives in New York City, we decided let's do a little New York part one of Christmas because let's be real, there's not much to do in Pennsylvania. Like as much as it's emotionally incredible to go back, you need a good 48 hours and then you can bounce out cause there's not much to look around at except for the grass and the dead trees. So we're going to go to some plays in New York.

We are kind of at that point in my family where we don't really give each other gifts anymore, but we did decide to just make it fun so people have something to open on Christmas. We're gonna do a Pollyanna for my family. And so everyone had to pick someone that they're gonna get. We're keeping the gifts under 100 to $200. And everyone is going to try to go all out for someone

and everyone's got someone. By this time I can say it, I have my sister. I have no fucking idea. Wait, do I have my sister or my mom? Wait, no, cause I know Matt has, no, Matt has, no, Matt has my sister, I have my mom. Because every single person in my family was like, I hope Matt gets me because Matt gives the best gifts. My mom was like, Matt, maybe figure out how you can get my name.

Because she's like, I want a Jenny Kane cashmere sweater for Matt Kaplan under the mistletoe. Okay. Sorry, mom, I have you this year. So we all are going gonna do Pollyanna and we're gonna hang out in the city, we're gonna go see some plays, we're gonna go eat, we're gonna drink, we're gonna go see the tree at Rockefeller Center.

And we're just gonna have a time in New York City. There is nothing better than New York City during Christmas time. It is like the most magical place in the world if you've never gone. I mean, it is like something to put on the books if you can ever make it happen. Of course it's crowded.

Of course people are stressed and cold, but that's what makes it even better. The shoving, getting punched in the face, Merry Christmas after you get slapped silly. Like, it is just so New York to a T. So we're doing all of that. And then on Christmas Eve, we are fleeing the city and we are going back to Newtown, Pennsylvania.

And Matt and I have already put in our food request. My dad is the chef in our family and he makes the most incredible rack of lambs with this like mustard gravy sauce. So we have requested Brian hit the kitchen, Lori hit the booze, and my siblings and I and Matt and everyone will just be cozied up while my dad cooks for us.

There is a chance that we go to church. I'm not a religious person at this point in my life. Like, I believe there's a God up there. I'm not atheist, but like, I wouldn't say I'm as religious as I used to be, but I pray to my God above. But I felt like because it's Jesus's birthday, maybe we should go and hit up the church and go. And like one last time again,

like St. Andrew Church was my church growing up. And so I think I'm gonna force Matt to come to church with me, but then on Christmas day, we'll open our Pollyanna and we will sing our carols and my mom will try to make pancakes and she'll burn down the house. My mother, every... So here's the thing I take after my mom. My mom can barely use a microwave and although she's very good with the microwave, that's where it starts and stops in our household. My mom does not cook. And every single year for some fucking reason,

my mother thinks in order to be like the Susie homemaker that she wants it to be, she tries to cook on Christmas morning. It is so insane. One year she made this egg casserole and all of us were shitting and throwing up our pants because we got food poisoning from her egg casserole. And I was like, mom, we're blowing out all the bathrooms.

You need to put an end to this now. Hand me a chocolate chip cookie from the fucking grocery store and call it a day, bitch. She's like, I'm trying. So we're gonna try to make sure she doesn't cook this year, but we'll just like watch movies, give out our Pollyanna. And then my, you know how you guys have like those cousins that aren't really your cousins, but they're like not even related to you know how you guys have like those cousins that aren't really

your cousins, but they're like not even related to you, but you call them your cousins because they're like the closest things to you. We have a family in Pennsylvania that I grew up with that are basically my cousins. It's my mom and her best friend growing up had the same kids at the same time and we're all the same ages. And so they're going to come over and we're going to have a one big final hurrah send-off of the Coopers the last Christmas in Pennsylvania. It's making me kind of emotional because when I sit here and think about going back to that house for the last time, I literally told my family like don't be alarmed if you see me every fucking minute with my iPhone, filming every crevice of this fucking house,

because I wanna remember it all and it makes me emotional because like, specifically that basement in my house was where all of this started for me. Like I would not be sitting here with my podcast and my career had I not done everything I did in that basement. And like, if you're new here, like I just was obsessed with creating and making music videos and movies and skits and plays and short stories. And I filmed everything in that basement and the

hours of footage that I have, I probably have the same amount of hours of footage from that time in my life, if not more, than I have of me sitting on a Caller Daddy set. How crazy is that to think about? Like, I probably have more hours of footage of me as a kid making movies. I still have to catch up. That's why I'm still doing this, you guys. I can't retire.

I've got to outlive my younger self. I was harder working back then, but it's just crazy to think like that time in my life was it just was everything. And I loved so many incredible memories from my childhood that live in that house. And so I'm going to try to soak it up as much as I can. Now here's the kicker. Why are my parents selling my childhood home? Right? Why are we moving? Where are we moving? And by we, I'm not living with my parents, but you know what I'm saying.

It's a we thing, okay? The Coopers stick together. My parents are officially moving to Los Angeles, California. And I bought them a house. I think that, oh my God, I mean, it makes me emotional emotional thinking about it because when I started Call Her Daddy, I had somewhat of a vision of what I hoped this would turn into, but to be able to go to my parents this past summer and with Matt and be like,

I want to buy you guys a house and I want to do this for you. And I'm so excited to be able to do this for you. And I want nothing in return. I just want your happiness and I want you guys to enjoy it and thrive and maybe babysit sometimes if I have kids. Okay. I'm holding you to it, but it's such a cool feeling. And it was such an emotional moment when I told my parents that I was going to buy them this house. We all cried and it just meant so much because I would not be where I am today without my parents. Like my parents sacrificed so much for me to get to where I am all the way back to my soccer days. Right? Like the goal was for me to get a scholarship to go play in college, but like my mom and dad sacrificed every single fucking day, hauling me to different counties and getting on flights

and taking me to soccer tournaments and taking me to private training sessions and taking me everywhere I wanted to go. And then after soccer was done, I asked my parents, oh my God, can I go film a movie? And my mom would bring me to the community college and I would wanna go up on the stage and I would wanna use it as a backdrop

for my perfect set that no one was gonna see, but mom, it matters, come on, mom. And my mom would be there and she would be on work calls in her minivan watching me, probably cursing, like Jesus Christ, my daughter's fucking insane. But it all led me to be able to do what I love for a living. And I literally wouldn't be here without them. So buying them a house is like the least I could fucking do because they sacrificed financially, emotionally.

They sacrificed with my other siblings in moments for me. And so it feels really, really, really fucking insane and incredible that I get to do this. So they will be moving at some point in the new year. Matt's renovating the entire home. I literally walked in, we found this house, you guys, and it is such a New England house to its core. My parents are from the East Coast. We love the New England style.

And I remember walking into this home and seeing it for the first time and being like, this is my mother. Like I got chills thinking about it. And I wish my grandmother could have been here to see it. Love like me getting her the house and her like, oh my God, my mom saw for the first time. It was the first house they went and saw in Los Angeles. And they were like, this is the one. And I, and I secretly put a bid on the house and I didn't tell them.

And my mom went around with my dad and they saw a bunch of other homes and they were like, oh, we just can't stop thinking about that first one. And I had put a bid on without even telling them. And when we got the house, I called them and I said, okay, so like, how are you guys feeling? I know you guys really liked this new one. And they're like, we really like this, this last one. But that first house we saw when we walked in, there was something in like the feeling I got like that's the house. And at the time someone was higher bidding than

us and they dropped out. And I said, well, that's so interesting. You still are obsessed with that house mom because I have some good news. And she's like, Alex, Alex, I do this my parents all the time, like all surprises of random things. I'm like, no, no, you didn't. I said, we got the house. And we all started crying and sobbing and it was such an emotional moment. And so now Matt's redoing the entire fucking house. He's like, we need to make it perfect for them to move in.

And that's why I love him so much. Matt is like, he is such an acts of service kind of guy. Matt will go above and beyond for everyone in his life and then some, and it doesn't mean you even have to be family. Like family is a loose term for Matt. You can be the guy that he's, Matt takes care of his hairdresser. Matt's going to take care of his dry cleaner. Matt's going to take care of everyone and then some. And so Matt is just like, I'm going to make this the most beautiful, great place for them so that it's safe. Like he wants to make sure everything is good

and the bones are good and everything. So that is the next chapter of my life. Now, am I mentally insane that I got my parents a house that's about like 10 to 15 minutes away from me? You know? We did think about should we put them a highway drive away? We were like, should we have to at least like get on a ramp to get to them and get off?

But what's funny is Matt is currently having to do that with his grandmother, who on Christmas day turns 101 years old. That bitch is still kicking. She is the most with it. Shout out grandmommy, happy birthday, I love you. But she's 101 years old at this point, and we have to get on the highway

and it is kind of like a bitch for Matt's mom just in terms of like, oh, I wish she lived closer. So I did take that into consideration of like, you know what, I won't give them my, the code to my home. So there's some boundaries like Laurie and Brian, you can't just show up on an ounce, but I can show up on an ounce to your house cause I'm still your fucking kid.

And no, so they live like 15-ish minutes away from us, 10, 15, depending on traffic. And it just feels right. Like I'm not getting ahead of myself, I'm not like fucking pregnant, but you know, I would like kids in the future. And we did, it did kind of help knowing like, wow, the house is really close to where there is a school

we would want maybe our kids to go to. Grandma and grandpa can be in their little minivan. Beep beep kids picking you up from school. Also, it's not lost on me that Matthew travels a lot for his movies and my father is going to be getting many visits from his youngest daughter saying, Pops, make me some fucking food. My dad is the best fucking cook that I know, and I am obsessed with his food. So now the last thing I have to do is try to convince my sister to move from New York City, and I got the whole fucking gang now, cuz my brother now lives here. So overall, I feel really, really blessed. And it's a, I'm just,

I just feel like I'm at like a happy point in my life where I've worked really, really hard on my relationships with everyone in my family. And Matt and I were having this conversation the other day and we were just like, it's so crazy with our jobs and work and life and friends and all this. And it's like, as long as you're good with the people that you love, like that's all that fucking matters.

And I feel like my friendships right now are in such a good place. I feel really fortunate and my family is. And so, I mean, by the time it comes Jen first, I could be like, oh, we had a fucking blowout fight in Newtown. Everyone's fucked. The whole family has a riff in it.

But I'm gonna just hold this moment where I'm at right now where things feel good. And so I hope for you, daddy gang, if you can take anything from this of like, I will share with you, my mom and I have had such an incredible relationship throughout my life, but we have had so many ups and downs

because we are so fucking similar. And you know, when you're similar to someone, it can cause a lot of angst within a dynamic. And before I bought my parents this house, it took so much fucking work for us to just work through some shit that we had not worked through. And it took therapy sessions, it took very long conversations.

Like I'm not sitting here being like, I have the perfect family and I'm so proud. I'm proud of my family, but my family has a lot of shit. The fact, I think why I'm so proud of this chapter is in order to get to the place of getting them this house, we all knew we needed to be on a better page with each other for them to even move to California. And so there's been a lot of conversations, a lot of hard conversations, tears, crying. Like you guys know how it is. Like when you become an adult, you have to like rewire the way that you have a relationship with your parents. And it's so fucking confusing. And it's such a minduck in moments where you feel like you're the adult

or they're still the adult and you want them to grow up with you because you're like, no, now treat me like an adult. I'm an adult too and you're an adult. So let's all be adults in the room. But they look at you as a kid. There's so many fucking crazy dynamics that go into that moment where you recognize,

well, my parents and I need to basically recalibrate our relationship. And I can imagine so many of you are going through that right now. Like I trust me and my mom and I can joke about it now, but like we've had Christmases where I was like, I'm going to kill you and she's like, I'm going to kill you too, Alex. And that's life. But why I think I'm able to sit here and smile and be like, Merry fucking Christmas

is I really put in a lot of fucking work in therapy. And shout out to my therapist. I hope you have a nice fucking Christmas and Hanukkah because you deserve it, bitch. You put in the work with me this year and it got me to a place where I can feel really, really excited for the future. And it doesn't mean the work has stopped a lot of my relationship with my family members. I mean, my sister and I just had like such a breakthrough conversation recently, cause my sister and I always go through things, my brother and I go, everyone goes through things.

My dad's perfect, no. But we all have these like really interesting dynamics that we're constantly working through. And if I can say anything that you're bringing into the New Year Daddy Gang is it's like, start now. Start having the conversations. If you have that gut feeling where you're like, why the fuck can I not get past this with this person? Have you talked to them about it? Have you sat them down in an environment where you're coming from a loving place and you're not being attacking

and you're actually like, how do we fucking fix this? I love you. Like, what the fuck are we doing? That's my advice for the new year. Like, try to get closer with the people that you love because we don't have that much fucking time. And so, yeah. So, Merry Christmas. I'm gonna answer some questions and I'm gonna give you guys just a little you time because we've had enough me time.

Okay Daddy Gang, I'm back. If you are listening to this in audio, you're like, you didn't go anywhere Alex. Oh I did bitch, I, I did, bitch. I'm a sneaky little bitch. If you're watching this, you can tell I changed clothes. It's because I had to quickly run to a meeting. You know, duty calls, duty calls. And so I just got back and now I'm back with you.

So I figured today, in the spirit of spending a little fun time with your father, I should give back to the community and answer some questions because bitches, we've got a lot to talk about. Okay, first question from a daddy gang member. Hey Alex, I'm a sophomore in college and all of my friends like to go out, but I'm not a big drinker.

I feel like I'm also getting judged for not drinking. How do I still have a good time without drinking? Oh my gosh, I mean, this is like, I think this spans beyond college. I think the advice I'm going to give, and again, I'm not like a savant with this situation, like I do socially drink, but if I put myself in your situation,

I do think this can be applicable to anyone, not just people in college. However, I do recognize in your situation, I do think this can be applicable to anyone, not just people in college. However, I do recognize that in college, you are definitely drinking maybe more in saturated environments and also in a way that is more socially grouped up in and like it's not so much like a dinner or drinks with a friend.

It's like everyone is looking at everyone and everyone is aware of what everyone's doing in college and everyone is in everyone's business. So everyone knows who drinks and who doesn't drink. So I'm sorry that first of all, you feel uncomfortable or you feel like you're being judged because you should never ever, ever, ever feel judged for doing something that you don't wanna do.

If you don't want to drink, you should not drink. And I know again, it's easier said than done because peer pressure is a real fucking thing. I feel like when you hear peer pressure, you think like middle school and high school, no, this shit goes through fucking adulthood. I'm sure this affects moms, this affects like relationships, like it's all over.

So I'm sorry that you're handling that. Number two, you should never feel judged or insecure about something that you don't want to do, especially when it involves putting something in your body that is not healthy. So if people are doing drugs and they look at you and they're like, oh, like she's not down or it's a drink and they're like, why the fuck isn't she drinking? I think the people that are so consumed with if other people are drinking or not are really fucking weird.

I cannot relate to being like, why the fuck aren't you drinking tonight? Why does my intoxication level at all impact you? Now, for sure, I can see if there's someone that's like, you're so judgy when you're sober and you're judging all of us. Yeah, but I feel like that's like rare. And if they are, then like, don't be friends with someone that's like fucking judging your decisions. But if you're just someone that's trying to have a good time and everyone is fucking nagging

on you or there are specific people that are nagging on you, this is my advice. And I don't know if this is like playing into it, but there are just some social things that you can easily do that. Like I'm not, this isn playing into it, but there are just some social things that you can easily do that like I'm not, this isn't groundbreaking information, but number one, I think no matter what, you can always have a drink in your hand. So that immediately will just like block people from asking if they can get you a drink

because sometimes we can give people the benefit of the doubt. Like I bet a lot of times someone is literally just coming up to you to be like, can I get you a drink? Because they're trying to be either the hostess with the mostess or they're just trying to be a good friend or like socially that's an in. Like a lot of times I think when it comes to flirting socially, a huge opportunity is going up

to a woman and offering to buy her a drink, right? Like that's like a social norm thing. It's like, bitch, buy me a drink. That's all I did in college was like, which one of these motherfuckers is gonna buy me a drink and then I'm gonna leave and I'm gonna ditch in five seconds. Also recognize that if people are offering you a drink, maybe some of it could be in your head

that you're feeling judged, which again is totally normal because I think in college, so much of the culture is the drinking culture. But I think holding anything, whether it's a solo cup or whether you're at a bar and you have a soda water with a lime, that can immediately mitigate the damage of when someone's trying to slide in

through using drinking as an opportunity to connect with you. Then we have the other side where it's not meant to be connecting with you and it's literally just some bitch that is being judgmental and rude towards you and is trying to, for some reason, get you to engage in something that you don't wanna do. But I do think there's always room for the in-person,

in a sober state conversation. If this is someone in your friend group that's constantly up your ass about drinking, you could ask them to just chat for a second and you can again, depending on how nefarious it is or not, you can say, listen, I love you and you're such a good friend of mine, but I have been really struggling socially because I don't want to drink and I'm having the best time. And I think it makes it really hard for me to have a good time though, when you consistently are making me feel like

I'm like sticking out like a sore thumb for not drinking or I'm like the odd man out. Like I don't personally like to drink and I'm not judging anyone in the room. Like check yourself too though, because again, this is so broad the question. So I would need to know more of the details, but check yourself, like, are you being a little judgy to your friends that are drinking?

And are, you know what I mean? And if you're not, amazing. But we know some of those people and it's, again, this is fucking life. If you're not indulging in something, then you're gonna, there's a reason you don't do it, right? So you have your thoughts about it. To each their fucking own,

I think something I've just accepted more in life recently is I don't care what anyone else is doing unless it is directly affecting me. If you are getting fucking hammered and you are doing your thing, great. I'm not gonna judge you. Obviously, if it's a close friend and you're seeing them deteriorating

and they're making really bad decisions in life Sure, you got to pick your moment to maybe check in on them But if it doesn't affect you either fuck do you care if someone's not drinking tonight? Like shut the fuck up and daddy gang. I love you and I think this is something that we can also work on is if you are the person that is It may not be from a mean-spirited place. Maybe you are just the girl that's trying to rally all your friends and get them in the mood

and you're telling them to drink or whatever and they don't want to. Why are we making people feel like they need to drink? No one, no one ever woke up from a night of drinking and was like, I was the best version of myself last night. And even if you felt that way, I promise you anyone sober was like, this bitch is so fucking annoying.

Like, I don't know, drinking is something that I think about a lot and Matt and I talk about it a lot and I love to socially drink and I love a good glass of wine or a whiskey or a tequila or martini or fucking anything. But I will say it was interesting. So when I was on tour, I did not drink on tour really. Like there were very few moments where I was drinking. And I would have like a couple sips of my White Claw

like on stage, but I went on stage completely sober. And every single night after a show and there were people backstage in the green room or at the after party, I was not drinking. And I'm sure even on social media, maybe it looked like I did not drink until the last night I had a drink. And even I remember when Wiz Khalifa was there in Oakland,

everyone was smoking with him and everyone was drinking and they were having a time and I didn't I didn't drink. And I think what happened, which was odd for me because I wouldn't say I'm a party girl. I definitely used to be, but like I have had so many nights where I'm fucking hammered. Don't get me wrong. But there was this weird thing that happened on tour and I'm not saying I'm never going to get obliterated again because trust me, like I love a good night where I'm like having fun. But something happened on tour and I'm not saying I'm never gonna get obliterated again because trust me like I love a good night where I'm like having fun but something happened on tour where because I was one of the only people that was sober the entire time I was around so many people post

show that were drinking and I'm not gonna lie I was so like I wasn't judging anyone I was actually more judging myself where I was like, wait, like when you're sober and you're around drunk people, you're like, I never wanna drink again in my life because you all sound like fucking clowns or the worst is when like you're watching someone and you feel so bad because you're like, oh my God, you're fully embarrassing yourself right now

and I know sober you would never do this and you actually like feel bad for someone. But I just, I don't know, after tour, I just kind of had this moment where I was like, I don't know if I'm going to drink to the level that I maybe have in the past in moments. And again, if I'm at a holiday party and I'm having a good time,

I'll have the second martini, you know what I mean? But drinking is a whole concept that I recognize is very complicated because there are people that are watching this that may have a problem with alcohol and are sober because of that. There may be people that are sober, not because they have a problem, but someone in their family had a problem,

and so they're just like adverse to alcohol in general. There may be people that currently have alcohol problems that are watching Caller Daddy, and then there may be people that are just socially drinking and love a good cocktail and they don't have any plans of changing. It's all over, I just think being less judgmental of anyone on that spectrum is my biggest advice.

And when someone is peer pressuring you to do something that you don't want to do, I think it's a fun, casual, lighthearted, like, oh, girl, don't worry about me. I'm good. But if they keep pressing, then it's a fucking boundary issue and it's a respect thing. And I could see myself probably pulling someone at some point if they kept being the aggressor in the dynamic of like, bitch, what do you have on me that like you, why are you so obsessed with what I'm doing?

Like, do you want to know what I ate for breakfast too? Cause you want to know, you want me to put shit in my body at night? Like, should we, are you that invested in what I'm fucking doing? Cause I don't even give a fuck. I don't even know what you're drinking are you drinking I don't know you know so yes I'm sorry though and sorry that was a long-winded thing but drinking culture is complicated but I apologize on behalf of the annoying fucking drunk community. If you're feeling pressured, you shouldn't feel pressured. I love you. I'm sorry.

Okay, next question. Hi daddy, I love you. Okay, now that it's out of the way, I'm writing in to ask a question about my relationship. I've been dating my current boyfriend for almost two years now and I love him so much. I'm 23 and he's 25. He's honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me and I really do think he's the one. But sometimes I sit back and think about, is this really it? Is this who I'm meant to be with forever?

There's nothing wrong with our relationship. We argue now and then, but never anything huge. I guess the best way to explain it is that sometimes I get scared of the commitment, but I wanted to ask if that is something normal. Should I be worried and think more about my relationship? Should I just hope this feeling goes away and everything will work out?

Anyways, love you so much okay I first want to validate you and say it is so fucking normal when you are getting in my opinion when you're getting to a place in your relationship that it feels like okay this is more than dating like I could see my life with this person. I think it's so normal. And if anything, I would be concerned if you weren't like, is this the right situation? Like, is this forever? Is this gonna be it? I did that with Matt. I did that with Matt multiple times of just like,

whoa, like if this, is this gonna be the person I spend the rest of my life with? I think there is a natural positive amount of that feeling that you should have because it means that you're taking it really seriously. It is a natural positive amount of that feeling that you should have because it means that you're taking it really seriously. It is a big decision. In my opinion, choosing your life partner, whether it's marriage or someone you're gonna just be with

forever and you don't need like marriage as a title, that is a huge, huge decision. And I think building a life with someone is a huge decision and it shouldn't be taken lightly. And I think that when you are pausing and reflecting and nothing is really happening, it could be like you said, because you live together, you're kind of on this track, you're like, okay, is this it? Yes, that's normal. I do also though have to say, because I've talked about this on the show before, and I think that

it it's kind of up to you to discern the difference of like, is it a normal amount of like, whoa, this is kind of crazy, I've gotten to the point where I found my life partner, or is it going that further step where you're like, I don't, I don't know, I just don't know. I would say if you're finding yourself doubting more than you're happy, that's your answer. And sometimes it's not as black and white for someone, right? Like sometimes you have this weird gut thing where it's like, is this really it? And I think there are so many complex reasons

as to why you could be doubting, right? Maybe you come from a family of divorce and you are so, you do not wanna repeat the pattern and you're like, I really don't wanna get divorced. So maybe you're overthinking your Commitment and the relationship because you don't want things to go south ever and so you're being hard on yourself and you're holding yourself And your relationship to a standard that is just not normal Or that is just not realistic

but I think if you go into a marriage and you're like, I've never had a doubt in my mind, I would like to say I don't think that's humanly possible because we're human beings and we have experienced life and we know what we want and what we don't want. And meshing worlds together is never seamless and perfect because no one is exactly going to be every single fucking possible thing that you could need. But if you were someone that just was like,

I've never had any doubts, amazing. I would say to make the person writing in feel more seen and better, it is I think more normal to doubt and to wonder and to question again, a normal amount. If you're literally like fucking posted up every night and you're like God damn it like I just don't know and I don't know and you're just chronically freaking the fuck out I think you have your answer always when you're constantly doubting because there's just something in your gut that is telling you babe

This isn't right what my advice would be To someone that is in a position that's just trying to like suss out, is this my person? Is this going to be forever? Am I making the right partner life decision? Here is my advice. You live together, right? So that's step number one.

If you don't live with someone that you're considering spending the rest of your life with, my first step would be live together. Because when you live with someone, girl, you will, you will see things that you either are like, I love this person even more. You will see things that you're like, I don't love it, but I love them so much that I'm fine, I'll get over that.

Or you will see things where you're like, how fast could I break the lease? Like how fast could I get away from this person? Step number one is live together and see do you like cohabitating with this person? Do you like being in a relationship where you are sharing space together and where you're building a life together

rather than, oh, I go over to his place every couple days but then I really have my alone time, right? And then I also think you should start to talk about what do you want in life? And I think this is something that I think as you get a little older the conversation just people have less time to bullshit So again, like when you're looking for marriage and kids in a life or no kids, whatever it is that you want I think that dates start to get a little bit more to the point But I do think for you, I think you need to start actualizing conversations

that will give you a more clear answer if this is the person that you wanna spend the rest of your life with. For example, have you talked about where you wanna live, where you wanna settle down? Have you talked about financials? Like, do you know how much this person makes? Do they know how much yous? Do you know how much this person makes? Do they know how much you make?

Do you know what their career goals are? Do you guys know, do you want kids? Maybe you do and he doesn't, or vice versa. Maybe you don't and he does, or maybe you both are like, yes, we want kids. You need to start talking about, essentially, the core tenets of a relationship that will just go past, we're dating, everything's fun,

our friend groups like each other, like that's great. But that's also can be falling into the category of like a fun fling or like even friendship, right? What is it in your personal dynamic for your romantic relationship that's gonna get you to the next level? It's talking about and being very clear about the things that you want in life.

And I've dated guys before where I was in love. And I remember like there was a conversation I had with an ex and I was like very in love with him, but we just did not align on a lot of the later in life things. Like the immediate was great and it was fun and it was sexy. But when it came down to, I talked with him about children, I talked with him about even like fucking religion and shit and politics and it was off. I know for some people it works.

For me personally, I couldn't do that because people always ask me like, you know, what has changed since you got married? And at first I was like, I don't know, nothing. And then I will say, and it's cliche, but it's right, is that what has changed is I can feel so heavily now that Matt and I in a beautiful way have become one in the sense of we are both still individuals. We both still are good on our own, but every single day we are not operating

as just selfishly individuals. We're working towards our relationship and what we're building in a family. And I don't think you need a piece of paper to feel that. It's when you know you're committing to someone for the rest of your life, I think there is a switch that shifts of wow, we're in this. And we are choosing to be in this and how this and we are choosing to be in this

and how beautiful that we're choosing to be in this forever and every single decision that we each make directly impacts the other person. And so there is an accountability I think that like raises when you're in a marriage that maybe I didn't feel as much when you're in the dating phase or you haven't like claimed you know that this is your person for life because understandably like dating,

you're just not, you're not, you haven't decided you're committed and once you are committed, I think there's a beautiful solidness that you feel. It's like hard to explain. There's this solid foundation you now feel that you're both building on the same fucking foundation and you're both so invested in each other

and that is your fucking person and they're gonna get you through anything and you're gonna get them through anything, but you are again, the important part is still individuals working in a unit. I don't know if that fucking makes sense, but I don't know, I had been really vocal prior to getting married about how my independence was really important to me,

and I'm a very independent person. Like I, and I think I was nervous. Like can I be in a situation with someone where I genuinely feel like I'm sometimes, can't be selfish, and I can't, you know, be selfish Alex, single Alex, or individual Alex. And the answer is, if you're in a healthy relationship,

you don't need to sacrifice any of it because when you are not being as individualized thinking in moments, it still feels like it is because you know your partner wants the same and the best for you and you want the best for them. So it's kind of like you're just less alone in this life. Like you can still maintain that autonomy over your decisions. Like Matt is many times is always like, what do you think?

Like you tell me, like it's your choice and I know you'll make the right choice for us. And I do the same to him. And of course we make a lot of decisions together but there's this safety and security of like, this person is in it till the end with me and we're doing this together. And so when you're making that life choice, I just urge you daddy gang to think about it from the standpoint of, do you feel like the person

that you're dating is someone that you can look at in 20 years and be like they respect me and they see me and they know me and they love me and all of my flaws and all of my issues and if anything half of my flaws they think are attractive and they love and they want the best for me and they're always going to be there. I know that's deep but like I have friends that have kids and and they're like fuck he's nowhere to be found and I guess I kind of saw it because like he was always kind of like I was kind of always the one that was picking up the this and the that and like again I'm just using kids as an example because it's like the easiest example, but there is the immediate excitement of life.

And then there is the realistic side of life, right? And it's the planning and it's the accepting that it's not always gonna be sexy and hot and fun and wild and sometimes it's gonna be really fucking hard. And who do you wanna go through the worst times in life with? It's easy to have a good fucking time with someone. Like it is easy.

But when you are struggling, when you are financially stressed, when you are health stressed, when you are as a woman going through it hormonally or medically, like do you have a partner? And if I'm just speaking because I'm in a hetero relationship, like if you're in a hetero relationship,

like does your partner respect women? Does he look at you and genuinely vouch for you and respect you and speak about women in a way that you feel like, well, cause if he doesn't respect women, then he doesn't respect you. How the fuck is he gonna, you know what I mean? Like I think the, and again,

everyone has a different barometer. I think I have maybe a heightened, sometimes I, I don't know. I think everyone has a different barometer of what's important to them, but you need to do, I guess my question, sorry, I'm like, this is our whole fucking episode, but I didn't know this was gonna go in this direction,

but I do think it's an important conversation, daddy gang. I'm like, do you know what you want? And I think as women, sometimes we can stress understandably about time and pressures and all of it. And so sometimes we can make concessions for things that we actually don't feel good about and we don't really feel comfortable about and we don't really like. And I just want the best for all of you. I feel like with this podcast,

I've found such comfort in knowing that I can sit here every week and have conversations with people that sit across from me and like exploring conversations that maybe in the day to day we don't really pause to think about. Like we literally are waking the fuck up, we're going to work, we're getting home, we're fucking exhausted, we're like, I'm not going to the fucking gym or maybe you're going and you're like,

I don't wanna do this and then you're fucking eating and you're trying to then zone out from work and you're watching TV and then'm not going to the fucking gym, or maybe you're going and you're like, I don't wanna do this, and then you're fucking eating, and you're trying to then zone out from work, and you're watching TV, and then you're going to bed, and you're repeating, and then we're like, oh, it's the fucking weekend, and we're going out, and we're drinking, and we're having fun, and it's like, I'm not saying to fucking meditate, okay? But it is rare, I feel like, that we pause

and actually be like, am I happy? Do I like where I am? Am I happy with my friendships and my work life and my romantic situation and my friend situation? And if I am happy, what's next? And no one really tells us to do this, but I feel like, and I could do it more. I'm not saying I'm perfect.

I'm just saying I think when it comes to these romantic life decisions, a lot of the question marks can be answered in actually just pausing for a minute and thinking about what do you want? And what is currently fulfilling you in your romantic relationship and what's not? And if you are stressed stressed and if you are staying because something is, I've spent so much time

and it's been five years, what am I gonna do, start over? Like, yes, yes, because you're gonna start over now. Babe, I don't want at 70 you to be like, Jesus fucking Christ. Like every minute is so fucking precious and every fucking year is so precious and we don't actually fucking know how long we have so to stay because you've invested time in it is genuinely the worst fucking reason to stay and I know the process of unraveling I always talk about this is so complex, know the process of unraveling,

I always talk about this, is so complex, but the process of unraveling is 10 times fucking faster than staying and you're decades and decades and decades and decades into something. You guys all know a family friend or your own parents that are in something that they're not happy with. We all know someone, if you close your fucking eyes and you think about an unhappy couple

or a couple that fights or a couple that, or is cheating, we all know one. Sadly, we probably know more of that than the happy couples. So I remember reading an article, I think it was in the New York Times, I don't know. I think it was like many years ago it came out and it was like a single person is one step away

from finding their happiness and their partner. A person in an unhealthy marriage or relationship is three steps away from being in a healthy, happy situation because you first have to end the relationship, then you have to be single for a fucking minute, try to recalibrate why you, what was in that relationship that was so unhealthy or unhappy for you and then you need to get good,

solid on your own and then you need to start dating again. Where a single person, it's like bitch, you're working on yourself, you're working on yourself and immediately, the more you work on yourself, you will know immediately, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, this person can keep up, this person is in line with what I want. But if you're not working on yourself

because you're grabbing on and holding on for dear life to like an unhealthy dynamic, and when I say unhealthy, like the most common a lot also is not just toxic, like they look fine on the outside, these relationships, and a lot of you, I bet are listening and being like, nothing's technically wrong, but babe, if you're constantly doing that,

like, well, nothing's really wrong, but you know in your gut. My overall point is, if you don't know what you want, how are you gonna fucking find it? You saying, all the way back to this fucking question, you saying that you've been with your boyfriend for two years, you're 23, he's 25, it feels right, you love him, there's nothing wrong,

you fight the normal amount that a couple will fight, but you're just wondering, you should fucking wonder if this is the right person. And you should seriously invest a good amount of time to feel it out and to think about it and to talk with other people in your life. Like when I was like really getting to the point where I was like, Matt is the one,

I remember I had a lot of conversations with my friends. I had conversations with my siblings. I had conversations with my parents and not like interrogative, like sit downs. It was more just like, if my parents were in LA, we'd go to a dinner with Matt and I, and then one night I'd make sure to go to a dinner with Matt and I, and then one night I'd make sure to go to dinner alone with them.

And I would just talk about my relationship, and I wasn't defensive, and I would open it up and just be like, what do you guys think? And they would ask me questions, and I would answer, and my mom would say, you seem so fucking happy, and he is incredible, and you guys are amazing together. And if you're happy, we're happy. But there have been

Relationships where my parents did not say that and so I had an open communication with them And I know some people don't have that relationship with their parents And that's fucking fine you need one fucking friend that you know is gonna shoot you straight, and it's gonna be like babe You're losing yourself. I think I just answered Did I answer two questions, but we went on a little bit of like, we went on a journey together, okay? Candyland, we started it out small and then we got big and we went all in these different angles.

But these are some of my favorite episodes because I know we're all different, but like, I feel like the best part of what I love doing with this show, especially when I do solos is like, I'm just a girl figuring it out too. I just got married. I found Matt.

I've been in really tumultuous relationships. I've been someone that has been extremely unconfident. I've had self-esteem issues. I've had moments where I feel so good and confident and my mental health is good. I've had moments of anxiety. I've had highs, I've had lows. Like we're all experiencing a similar version of emotions when it comes

to what the fuck am I doing with my life and am I making the right decision? And I think these type of episodes, it's nice to kind of just talk it through even though you guys can't respond. You can respond in the comments. Let me know if you guys like these episodes. But I think it's healthy to kind of just like walk through because again, maybe this episode will be the trigger for you to be listening in the car on your way to work or you're listening and having a wine night

with your girlfriend or you're alone and you're just playing this while you're cleaning your house or you're at the gym. Hopefully this episode will elicit some form of a thought provoking, something thought provoking for you that maybe sparks something of like, okay, I actually haven't thought about that.

Or maybe I haven't been thinking too much about that aspect of my life. Or wait, yeah, I guess I don't really ever pause to really check in with myself of like, how am I feeling about where my fucking life is at? Regardless, I always just want these episodes to help in any capacity, promote some form of communication, whether it's with yourself or your loved ones.

And yeah, so Daddy Gang, I love you guys. I love doing solos. I had questions planned and I have so many more, but I do think the time is up. So I will leave you with that. And Daddy Gang, I will see you fuckers next Wednesday. Goodbye. ["Dreams of a New World"]