Call Her Daddy - Tiffany Haddish

Episode Date: July 28, 2021

This week Father Cooper sits down with Tiffany Haddish. Need the perfect recipe for revenge? Take a note from Tiffany’s book and gulf down some corn and take advantage of that shit…literally. Corn shit isn’t your thing? Why not try a strategically placed billboard with your own face on it to really get back at an ex. Tiffany surely doesn’t hold back in this episode and shares her opinion on internet trolls, big dicks, dad bods, cuckolding and so much more. Are you ready Daddy Gang? Well, you better buckle up because Tiffany Haddish is here and SHE READY. 

what is up daddy gang it is your founding father alex cooper with call her daddy we're fucking back baby what the fuck are you doing today I'm in a great fucking mood because my asshole literally is about to be in Hawaii okay and I'm trying to rub it in yes I'm going to Hawaii so you will be seeing literally the inside of my asshole because I'm starting an OnlyFans. I'm just kidding. But I will be posting pictures of my asshole on my Instagram. So if you guys want to partake in, you know, wank it, wank it. I'll be okay.

Anyways, I'm going to Hawaii with my boyfriend, which is going to be super fun. And tomorrow, although I'm leaving for my trip, there's a little something special, a little dollop of daisy that I'm plopping onto your fucking underwear. It is going to be a mini fucking episode. So not only are you guys listening to me right now on Wednesday, but on Thursday this week, you're going to hear my voice again. Okay. So this next guest is a fucking comedian i left more interviewing her than i have

since opening the goddamn dad pad and bitches i brought her along we went to fucking france baby and let me you, you are not fucking ready for this guest's answers to your fucking questions of the motherfucking week. But let me tell you, she ready. Intra-fucking-ducing daddy gang, Tiffany Haddish. Check one, two. One, two. Check one, two. We're cruising down the freeway.

It's 90 and sunny and Tiffany Haddish is here. Ticky, ticky, timbo. No, sorry, two. Check one, two. We're cruising down the freeway. Yes. It's 90 and sunny and Tiffany Haddish is here. Ticky, ticky, Timbo. No, sorry, Rambo. Oh my God. Pari, rari, vucci. Pit, peri, pimbo. Ticky, ticky, Timbo. No, sorry, Rambo.

Pari, rari, vucci. Pit, peri, pimbo. Fell into the well. Yes. Yes. Yes. Are you cozy? I'm fine.

Do you need anything else? No, I'm good. Okay. If I need something, you'll know. Perfect. Are you guys ready? We're going to get into it. We're chilling. She ready. I'm ready. Let's go. you'll know perfect are you guys ready we're gonna get into it we're chilling she ready I'm ready let's go Tiffany Haddish Tiffany fucking Haddish that part exactly thank you for being here I'm honored to be sitting on this couch with you

oh wow I'm gonna be using that microphone forever for the rest of my career I'm gonna like take that and go podcast over there so if you want to like cough into it a little. I'm like, perfect. I will be podcasting without for the rest of my career. Tiffany is one of the most successful comedians, actress in many things. Girl Strip was a huge success. Multiple comedy specials hosted SNL. You won an Emmy also for hosting.

You won a Grammy. OK, like what the fuck for your Netflix comedy special Black Mitzvah and you wrote a book The Last Black Unicorn that was nominated for a Grammy like just stop I'm like and I have a podcast and I'm not gonna stop okay exactly and I love it more than just a podcast thank you thank you I mean what's the big goal for you what's the big the big dream dream out loud right now okay it's crazy because I always thought I wanted to do live shit and I was in Chicago visiting my friend and I was hammered at a bar in the moment there was a stage and some like a country singer was about to go up and I was like I was like had my liquid courage I'm like should I like go up on that stage and like introduce him I go up there Tiffany I'm

hammered and I like felt adrenaline and I was like maybe I could do this one day. And so I have so much respect for everyone that does it, though, because I don't know if I was not hammered. Could I have done that? Like it's fucking nerve wracking. You could do it. You think if you can do it sitting right here, you can do it. You just have to get over the all the eyes on you. Now, I love being on stage. I feel like it's the safest place for me. In the pandemic, you probably were like, were you like itching for it to get back to it? I was like a crackhead. I'm a crackhead for the stage.

I'm a crackhead. Like, I need to hear the laughter. I need to, like, I need it, right? So I'm in my backyard doing comedy shows for my plants. Well, really, I was doing it for my neighbors because they could hear me talking to the plants. Right, right, right. Like, I need to be having this movement. You're, like, hoping you hear a giggle.

You're, like, was that funny? When the wind blows. The wind would blow. And they would move. And you're, like, we got a vibe. You know, the rosemary's like this. I'm, like, I'm killing it right now. Like, we're on it.

Yes. Like, I'm making the universe laugh. And I call it plant-based comedy. And if nothing was moving, I would rip it up out the ground like, oh, you want to be a hater? You trying to heckle me? I'm going to plant some new shit. Fuck you.

Oh, wow. Because you remember, like, the first time you ever went on stage? Yes. What was that experience like? It was beautiful. When I was in sixth grade, no, fifth grade, we had to do a paper on a politician. Okay, so mind you, I could not read that good, okay?

Could not read. I went ahead and did a paper on Maxine Waters, and I thought she was the very first African American to be in politics. That's not true, but that's what I thought. First black woman. So I'm like, oh, I'm going to do a paper on her. What I basically did is I got the newspaper, found an article on her. I copied everything. Any words that was more than like five or six letters,

then I would get the thesaurus and I would look for that word and then get a smaller word out of there to put it in, even though I don't know what the fuck the word is. And so I had got like a high score on the thing, and the teacher submitted those essays for competition. And the people that won the competition got to go on stage and read their essay in front of that politician if they was able to get them. Boom. Maxine Waters is there.

I can't read. What did you do? So I go up there. I don't even read the thing. I say, I'm very uncomfortable right now. Hello. Hello. Can y'all hear me?

And everybody started laughing. I said, hello, Maxine Waters. I think that you are very amazing. I wrote this for you. You can read it. This is uncomfortable right now. People, the kids start laughing. So then I was like, I was getting amped up.

Like, I was like, and Miss Maxine Waters, your hair is amazing. And it's so cool that you able to be in Congress and Senate and you get to meet presidents and you get to do stuff for the community. And it goes a long way. And we appreciate you. And maybe one day I could do stuff, too. All the kids is like Tiffany and you crushed it she says thank you very much she's like you have a lot of personality I expect big things from you one day and I was like yeah and I hurried up and sat down there was like you didn't even read your paper you supposed to

read your paper you didn't read your paper But I knew my ass couldn't read. And I don't even know what the fuck is in that damn paper. I didn't even know what she was. She was like a council member or something. At the time, I'm over here like singing and congregating. Like, I was all over the place. Okay, but you went up on stage and you fucking crushed. You're from Los Angeles, California.

Yes. And your experience growing up there inspired the idea for your foundation, She Ready. Oh, yeah. So the She Ready Foundation is an organization that I started a few years back because I grew up in foster care and I was moving around from house to house. And what happens a lot of times with foster kids is when you're moved, you don't have a suitcase or anything. They put all your clothes in trash bags, which kind of subconsciously makes you feel like garbage and just like you're just being moved around like garbage like your clothes are in these trash bags and you're just getting moved so then you kind of had that

mentality and so um I remember the day somebody gave me a suitcase and it changed my whole perspective of myself I felt like I was a traveler like I'm a visitor as opposed to garbage being brought here and taken out I'm a I'm on an adventure I'm a I'm a I'm a visitor as opposed to garbage being brought here and taken out. I'm a, I'm on an adventure. I'm a, I'm a, I'm on a journey. Like I'm a person, I'm an actual person. And so, um, when I got, as at that time, I said, if I ever get any kind of power, I'm going to try to make sure kids don't feel like this. Now kids don't feel like garbage. They need to feel like they're on a journey. I mean's what life is right you're on this journey of experiences but if you're getting treated poorly and passed around and made to feel like you don't belong somewhere then life doesn't

pan out that great yeah right um it's like a a lot of mental shit and a lot of them end up in jail or in toxic bad relationships um because they don't have the proper guidance and foundation so I started my foundation and we've been giving out suitcases now for the past like five or four and a half years oh damn Citibank is calling me Citibank give us a minute why do you think they're calling you because they're on a wire transfer Trying to buy a house. Do you want to take it? I kind of do. Wait, take it. Okay.

We can come take it. Do you want to call them back? I kind of do. Call them back. Pause. Pause. Call Citibank. Guys, we're taking a brief intermission.

Tiffany's trying to buy a house with her family. So pause. Did we buy the house? Done and done. Oh! The down payment payments in the escrow. I've never had someone on my show that just casually does a wire transfer and buys a house and then just pops back on. It's like, so what's up? Bang. So, okay. So I have been creepily like stalking you on the internet. You're like, what? No, no, no. Go ahead. Like, fuck, who am I sitting

down with? But I kind of want to talk a little bit about the start of your career because my career started in the most like professional way like I started talking about sucking dick and it really that's like where the podcast started and it was beautiful like I was helping the masses do you know what I mean and then now I'm talking about like mental health so it's like really taking an interesting trajectory well sucking dick and mental health go together thank you they go together I know this for a fact they have a correlation oh yeah trust and believe so my trajectory has been very interesting so far and so has yours I remember researching and it was like didn't you get sort of into like comedy in the arts because of a boy in junior high school there was this boy that I had a crush on and I was going to a predominantly Caucasian, predominantly white junior high school.

I was like three percent black. And the one black boy I had a crush on was in drama. And so I was like, oh, I need to get into drama because then if I'm in there and he's in there and we're the only black kids in there, the teacher's going to have to put us together and we're gonna have the kids exactly exactly and then this guy joins the football team which led you to being the mascot yeah I was a conquistador the wait what I was a conquistador a Spanish soldier I was the freaking conquistador of all the football games and I had it popping and the numbers went up uh as the more I became you know the more I was there the more people would come ultimate hype but yeah I was super hyped the games were super fun and then the team the football team was winning they was doing good I would be like picking up the megaphone I'd be like Elko what and everybody

be like me no Elko what me no who know we know baby so anyways um I quit being a mascot because all my friends had boyfriends everybody and I was like I want a freaking boyfriend so I had quit and like three games had went by they was losing attendance was falling off people kept asking me Tiffany when you could you coming back where you not mascot and I was like no I'm not I'm not mascotting because I want a boyfriend like I'm I need a boyfriend like so I'm cool I'm mascotting and then the dean calls me into his office he's like what's it gonna take to get you back on the field and I was like a boyfriend he was like I can't give you no boyfriend you looked at your dean instead of boyfriend a boyfriend a boyfriend like I'm being honest like give me a man and I'll get

me a man and I'll get back in the suit yeah and so he's like I can't do that and so he was like well how much would it take because I was telling him you know I spent my money on getting the candy which I wasn't spending money on getting the candy and I was like I'm spending money on this and I could need to be able to get my hair done and my nails done so I can get a boyfriend and so he was like okay well how much does that cost if we kind of come but how much does it we'll just say how much does the candy cost like so we were going to negotiate back and forth. Like the hair, the nails. He's like, just the candy, but like hair and nails.

Yeah, I'm like, a hundred dollars. And so we're going back and forth, negotiating. We get down to 50 bucks and then bam. Mascot.

Is that legal in high school to pay the fucking mascot? No, it was not. But I had received, it was for the candy. Right, it was for the candy. And the hair and the makeup and the nails. But it was for the candy. It was for the candy and the hair and the makeup and the nails but it was for the candy it's for the candy and did you and I would bring

the receipts for the candy that you know because my homegirl worked at the 99 cent store so I got all the candy for free anyways and then she gave me a receipt book so I made the receipts bam here the receipt they gave me my 50 the numbers go back up once you return yes dude you're literally the ultimate hype woman. Didn't you get in trouble in high school? A lot. And you got sent to? The dean's office.

And then they would call my social worker up to the school. And then the social worker's like, okay, you got two choices this summer. You can go to Laugh Factory Comedy Camp or you can go to psychiatric therapy. I definitely didn't want to choose the therapy because I'm like my mom was going through therapy she was on drugs she would be drooling she was like she was not present and I'm like if I go to therapy they might give me drugs and I'll be messed up right got it so I was like I'll take the comedy camp taught me when to be funny when not to be funny how to construct a joke like how to take something that's really serious and kind of dark and make it funny yeah um and it was the first time a man told me that i was smart and i didn't

or beautiful and i didn't feel like something bad was gonna happen i'm not we don't have to fully talk about relation i don't want to like talk about your relationship in dating but i give a lot of advice on unless you want to talk about it i'm not, we don't have to fully talk about relationship. I don't want to like talk about your relationship and dating, but I give a lot of advice on, unless you want to talk about it. I'm not like, don't even fucking dare talk about your life. And I literally said that as if I'm like, Tiffany, if you. She's jealous that I got a man. She don't want me talking about my man because she's jealous. I mean, are you in a relationship?

I am. Okay. How long have you been in your relationship? Officially a year now. Okay. So this is a pandemic relationship. relationship I am okay how long have you been in your relationship officially a year now okay so this is a pandemic relationship it's so psychotic because I like don't know how to date outside of the pandemic with him yet so we've had like a couple tips oh life is like so you guys have tips because you guys aren't going out in public or you went out in public and you didn't like the

way he was carrying him more like I went on a girl's trip for the first time and like we've we've literally been up each other's assholes for a year and now it's like I'm going to New York for a girl's trip and it's like what so it's like it's we're definitely like figuring things out also you're having like separation anxiety and all this yeah like not me I'm very independent and not me Tiffany him never me um no but he's like it's interesting it's just interesting but he probably hears you say some things and he's like you're going on a grocery but you guys gonna go fuck a bunch of guys yes and like definitely with the nature of my show and like how i told you about the sucking dick thing like comedy but like he's like but is it

real life like it's definitely an adjustment back to you and your relationship look how you flip that on me i ain't flipping on you i'm just trying to figure out what your mind is that's where i can know where to talk which what level are we on no no because i because i've dealt with that kind of crazy i mean i mean that because that's a this little insecure right there a little insecurity insecurity you know you might want to be careful because that's that might be a motherfucking can't handle your success oh i'm just saying motherfucker try to push you down don't want you being next thing you know you ain't got no friends where my friends where my friends he wants you right up under him uh he wants his rib he wants you up in his armpit right here are you my therapist in that rib because he's like you came from my rib you know what men be

telling you you came from my rib my rib bone right here yeah and then you're like i'll be okay without you so maybe he might be insecure. I don't even know. You're my therapist. I don't know. I'm not your therapist. I don't even know this man. I've been to enough therapy.

Are you in therapy? I've been to enough therapy. Are you in or have been? Hell yes, I'm in. Like I tried to avoid it and then ended up all the way up in it. It literally changes your life. Yeah. It make you address some things that you've been trying to maybe oppress and make it evaporate.

And then it slowly keeps coming up in different ways. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you're like, and then finally you're like, okay, let's just address it. You just got to pull it up by the root. Yes. And then your life gets better. Sometimes. It's like puberty.

Yes. You understand? Yes. You think you want it, then you get it. And then in the middle of it, you're like. This is the worst shit in the fucking world. My titties hurt. My fucking face hurts.

Everything hurts. And then one day you look in the mirror and you My titties hurt. My fucking face hurts. Everything hurts. And then one day you look in the mirror and you go, I'm a girl. Yeah, I'm beautiful. I have hips. Yeah, literally. Yeah. But like the transformation to get there.

It's painful. Yes. It's painful. Okay, wait. So you're, I'm so sorry I started. I'm like, you don't need to talk about your relationship. You're like, all right, bitch. I actually wanted to.

I'm like, tell us. No, you don't know. Maybe I do. Maybe I don't. Depends on what the question question is but I just want to make sure I'm not talking about my relationship and you don't have one day you start acting jealous and stuff you know how females get oh you ain't yeah man and so I'm trying to figure out really Tiffany you should break up with him you're like do you have a relationship it's like no no I've never been in a mind but you gotta check you gotta check you gotta check how long have you been in a mine, but you got to check. You got to check. You got to check. So how long have you been in your relationship?

I've been in my relationship now for a year and a few months. Okay. So we're like kind of on the same track here. Yeah. Yeah. But I've known him for like three years. Oh, dope. Okay.

Oh, that's good. Catching a cheater. He's cheating on you. No, I'm just kidding. I'm like, you're like, what? What? No, no. I'm like, let's go.

Dude, there's something in my veins that I'm like, it's my favorite pastime to like try to catch someone being sketchy. I'm like, inspector gadget ready to go. That's a female thing. It is. Yeah. And I love it. And I don't want it to change at all.

You would probably be an excellent detective. Most women are better at being detectives than men. It's, I think it's a good trait. Actually, have you ever cheated on a boyfriend? Nah. Well, I mean. Well, uh. Well. Depends. It depends. Not really. Not really. it meant it's i think it's a good trait actually have you ever cheated on a boyfriend no well i mean well uh it depends not really not really but really but like okay once so once once i found out he was cheating then i went ahead you know nasty let somebody do something for me yeah i'm saying

then i went and told him that i let him you know like i was on that i was on that tit for tat we was already we was basically not together, but I was still kind of fucking him. So it was like, kind of, but you know, you know how you like, you can't, it's hard to detach from the dick? You're like, you know, I need to let that dick go. That dick is not good for me, but you're like, one more time on that dick. Two more times on that dick.

And it's like, it's kind of like, dang, okay, I'm still associated with the dick, but we not in a relationship, but I'm still coming by and sitting on your dick like every once in a while. And I'm just kind of rubbing in your face that I let somebody like eat me out or finger bang me or something like that like and we're not together but it's like so technically I've never cheated but I have continued to sit on dicks that I probably shouldn't have been sitting on I think it's so beautiful that you can articulate that's beautiful the genuine honesty from you and understanding that like he pushed you to that point Tiffany he pushed did he push me I don't

know or was that dude really rich and I was like fuck it he's gonna get the sugar out my gas tank that this motherfucker put in my gas tank so I'm gonna go ahead on let him finger bang me eat me out and he gonna give me the money to get the sugar out the gas tank so I'm gonna go ahead on let him finger bang me eat me out and he gonna give me the money to get the sugar out the gas tank that that motherfucker put in my gas tank because he mad at me for stealing his bitch but whatever I think the just self-awareness is there and that's all that matters when you shit you're if no one knows this story uh Tiffany ate a lot of corn you can tell it better than I can I'm going to hear how you tell it You can also hear me tell it verbatim

In my book Tiffany Haddish the Last Black Unicorn But go ahead So Tiffany found out That her motherfucking boyfriend Was cheating on her And naturally for dinner That night she inhaled Some corn opened his box of New Jordans,

squatted to the lowest of her ability, and let it motherfucking rip out of her asshole and shit an entire thing of corn. And that's the beauty of corn. You can chew it as much as you want, but it's going to come out. It's going to come out. So they will know it's human shit. Make it fall to the beauty of corn. You can chew it as much as you want, but it's going to come out. It's going to come out. It's coming out. So they will know it's human shit.

Make it fall to the front of the shit. Baby wipe. Make sure it looks pristine. So you can't even see the corn now. It's literally at the front, like the very insole of it. In the tippy toes. In the tippy toes. And then he went to glide his foot into that goddamn Jordan that one glorious, glorious day.

So I was like, hey, let's go play basketball. You should put your new J's on. I had brought them back to his house, which was his mama's house. So I was like, hey, let's go play basketball. You should put your new J's on. I had brought them back to his house, which was his mama's house. So I brought them out. I said, you left these in my house. We should go play basketball. Put your new J's on. So he's like, oh, yeah, cool.

Yeah, let's go. And then he put his foot in the shoe. And he was like, what the fuck is in my shoe? And he pulled his foot out. And it was like doodle and corn all over. He was like, what the fuck? Oh, my God, somebody shit in my shoe. And I was like, yeah, all the shit you put me through now you walking in a motherfucker right because I feel like he's

shitting on my soul and I took off running and he was like I knew he wasn't gonna trace I knew he wasn't gonna chase me because you're not gonna run dookie through his mama house but then like so he the girl that he was cheating on me with I ended ended up, like, because he had her, like, stripping and doing porn. So I ended up taking her from him. And basically I became her agent and had her doing porn. Agent is a beautiful way to say it to me. She was getting more money or whatever. So I ended up getting kind of involved in, like, the porn world.

But I wasn't in porn, but I was providing the talents. What was that like? That was, it was. Short-lived, long-lived? that like that was it was short-lived long-lived short very short-lived very shortly I ended up beating her up and uh wait like physically yeah I ended up fucking stomping her ass out what was that and I called immigrations on her ass and tried to get her deported stop oh wait that is like I might have fucked somebody in immigration just to really make her life hell. Tiffany's like, off record, I may have fucked someone at immigration, but none of your fucking business. Keep it moving.

Yeah, I didn't put that part in the book. Do you, when you're in a relationship, like know your partner's passcode and everything? I mean, not really. Not right now. I don't want to know. Yeah. I don't want to know. I don't want to know. Is that good or bad? I think it's good.

Here's my thing. I don't know mine either. I'm not judging. I feel like this. If you feel like you need to know, then you probably don't need to be with that person. I agree. If you feel like you need to get in that telephone, then you need to not be with that person. If you feel like you need to stalk him and follow him and go see what he's like on Instagram and who is he, you don't need not be with that person if you feel like you need to stalk him and follow him and just go see what he's like you know Instagram and who is he you don't need to be with that person there's no trust there and that is just uh I don't have time I don't have

time so if some and I I'm a firm believer if something is done in the dark it will come to the light and when I'm supposed to know I'll know and um I'm way more mature now when I was in my 20s I was all about that revenge life I was all about like use my pussy as a power to fuck some shit up and that was bad on me that took a big toll on my soul and my spirit and wasted a lot of time a lot of valuable time that I could have been using towards my craft, towards like, you know, just getting more informed, becoming wiser. The time that I spent, you know, trying to pimp his girlfriend and pimp these other dudes that I was doing. I mean, agent his girlfriend and agent these other dudes and whatever else the fuck I was like trying to do to make him feel. However, I could have been learning more about finances and been richer sooner. You know, I could have been doing my research on how to like boost my credit and make sure I'm never homeless again.

Right. I ended up being homeless again after that. Like because I was so focused on hurting this person because they hurt me that it wasted. It hurt me more, if that makes sense. That makes absolutely. So like if what I've learned over the years is like when someone hurts you, it's probably because they are already fucked up. Yeah. So remove yourself from that hurt. Right. Because that's going to hurt them 10,000 times more in any relationship.

Someone hurts you. You let them know that they hurt you and they don't apologize or they continue or they make excuses or whatever and they are going to continue to hurt you so you must remove yourself from that situation that's going to fuck them up and then you times more and then you pray on it and what I've learned is when I pray like I'm I'm not built to get revenge I'm bad at getting revenge it's not for me to get it's for God to get right that's what bad at getting revenge. It's not for me to get. It's for God to get, right? That's what every religion says, let God handle it. So that's what God's got.

So I pray for them and they usually end up in jail or their life turns to shit and God always makes sure I find out about it. But I will say it's hard because being in our line of work, sometimes those moments

really help for some good content. and so you have to look at it positive negative I completely agree as we grow like I'm like I would never fucking spend the energy right about that and then get on to what's gonna keep me prosperous and successful some of my favorite things to do um is to say yes to a job right right and I know they're gonna make billboards and then I will request I will find out who's in marketing become their friend and request some of those billboards be put up in certain places stop near certain jobs near you know just that's just can you make because this is my demographic over here now i have a heavy demographic over there like can you make sure it's there and then i know this person's gonna be seen when they go into work when they go to their mama house

when they go to the airport when they're gonna fucking she ready she ready and that shit is like oh why did i fuck that up that is fucking iconic let your success be their stress let me tell you like this nobody that's ever hurt me that i've slept with or been in a relationship with in any kind of way is more successful than me right now i think i could say the same and let's have a moment of silence for their fucked up lives. And that's all they fucking get. Period. I need to hear your POV on internet trolls.

What is your relationship to like online hate? And like, how did it start in the beginning of your career to like, where is it now? Um, so my relationship with online hate, it's a love it's a love it's a love hate relationship right um and I hate them and I think they love me because they I don't know who you are and they take the time out of their lives to talk about me promote me if you if you may they talk they may talk about how much they hate me or whatever but you have to study me to hate me and when she did this and when she did that and when she did if you really didn't like me why are you watching right and I always say like I always say like there's no difference

between a hate view and a like view it It's a view. So thank you. And half times, though, they're the people that are making you more money because they're watching three times. Really try to find the thing that you fucked up on. And you're like, bro, chill. I think they're the best free publicist. I agree. They talk about you. They share that with their 14 to 5 followers.

Sometimes they have 2,400. Ooh, 2,400 people you're introducing me to thank you appreciate that some people have fun with negative negativity negative thoughts you might sometimes what I've learned is there's some guys out here that hate my guts because I inspire their girlfriend to do better because I inspire them to follow their dreams. And so they don't really hate me. They hate that I inspired this person that they had their thumb on to rise. It's crazy because I would have loved if you had been at the table with me. I was at dinner the other night and a girl came up to me and she was like,

yo, like I'm at the dinner with my law firm. I don't want them to know I'm over here. But quickly, I was out with my boyfriend and his friend looked at me the other night and he goes, dude, I fucking hate call her daddy like I hate Alex Cooper and she was like why and he was like because she's made women so fucking confident honey that's the ego thing have you ever had like a dating experience where you were like emasculating a man I don't even need to ask you that but like you're like what do you think like in meetings but like has it been hard to be like more successful at times than someone that you're

potentially trying to date or like do you just not date guys that like um I've dated a guy who you know he's just an engineer and I'm like oh cool you're engineering making good living making six figures should be cool right and then as I start like he's not used to the Hollywood life he comes to LA to hang out with me and he's seeing all these people say they love me and he's like why are these people saying they love you would you slept with all he in his mind I must have slept with all these people because to him somebody loving you means you fucked them yeah you're like dude I'm fucking funny as shit what i'm a personable person yeah i make people laugh people love to laugh like that's all that i mean he was like to the point where

he's asking like these legendary actresses are like oh tiffany i love you you my baby girl like oh so you sleeping with her too i'm your pussy you're like bro her husband's standing right there first of all second of all i'm not even in I'm a gay man in a black woman's body sir so you got me all the way fucked up I don't even want to have nothing to do with no vagina last time I ate some pussy is when I was born I'm cool okay now if if I get my heart broke two more motherfucking times when I get to 50 dicks, bring on the pussy. I honestly love that a lot. That's amazing. What are your thoughts on what's cancel culture right now?

Here's my thoughts on cancel culture. Nobody can cancel me, but God, that'll be the day that I leave this planet. Okay. And everybody could be like, she's canceled. We'll never put her on TV. Fine. I'll be on the internet. Fine.

I'll be on my website. They could try to shut the website down. Fine. I'll buy another one. And if you got a problem with that, fuck it. I'll be on the internet. Fine. I'll be on my website. They could try to shut the website down. Fine. I'll buy another one. And if you got a problem with that, fuck it. I'll be a street performer. I'll buy a building. I bought a house. I'll turn that house into a goddamn comedy club. And whoever is for me will be there.

Yeah, it's so true. It's like who are people to think you don't get to just cancel someone from the world? You can cancel a TV show. You can. And you can't. Somebody can just cancel someone from the world? But you can cancel a TV show. You can. And you can't. Somebody can cancel you from the world. They can murder you.

True. Yes. But God, that's still all. It's all in whatever the timing is. Right. It's all whatever. I get death threats all the time. You do?

All the time, honey. Yeah. Motherfuckers. I'm telling you, they be mad. They be mad. The anger. They be mad. I be mad they'd be mad I might remind them of somebody

that did them some kind of but I'm telling you mostly they mad because I'm inspiring certain people to change their life and when they elevate and it doesn't work and I took something of theirs away when I don't even know that person and so you know I'm prepared

for whatever she ready she ready but you know, I'm prepared for whatever. She ready. She's always ready. She ready. But, you know, it's like you have to be. I don't even know why I'm talking about that. No, no. I think it's interesting. No, I think that was fun.

I actually really appreciate that. That's a great insight. Girl, I'm getting hype. Only God can cancel me. Questions of the week is something I always do answering people's questions i don't know who the fuck gave me the authority to do this i don't even know if my advice is good but here we fucking are um okay number one help i was told i was a seven out of ten in bed from the man who is supposed to be the love of my life how do I take this can you imagine if

your boyfriend was like you're a set that's a c isn't a c that's a c minus a 70 that's like a b now yeah that's a that is a c it is a c and um I mean okay I would be like, so here goes my thing. Okay. If a dude told me I was like a seven out of a ten in bed, I would be like, okay, so first I would be thinking, does he lie to me a lot already? Right. How often does he lie to me? Is this a way to manipulate me to get him, to get me to get freakier and do more?

Is he trying to fuck with my ego right now which nine times out of ten he is and his next thing is probably gonna try to get you to do a menage or something like that um and then try to say like or tried or he wants to watch porn with her and when he's having say it's or he wants her to fuck him in the ass something something's going on something that he wants yeah and that's why he's saying that or you really are a seven maybe you really are just laying there on your back and your pussy might be tight but you're boring maybe he might be into like and she was she if i was her i would say oh i'm a seven well what's a 10 to you what does a 10 do let me know what a 10 does for you because he might want a finger in his ass

that's what we're see tiffany that was great that was like a perfect answer you're right look inward are you laying there are you like half dead when you're getting first yeah are you always like i just want to just kind of die or is his dick so big that you don't want to move because it hurts and that's i love to see now that i don't even fuck with big dicks like like i like medium give me that shmedium it's just like that perfect I need that shmedium because you're not gonna have me out here with cervical cancer okay you're not about to be beating up my cervix and so when it when it be big like that I do be on some like oh look at that when it be big like that no make it till you make it I will be like

still in like a jet like twist whatever so you're not beating my cervix up. Are you trying to flip me and hit me in front of the back? Now that you're getting all this dick up into your fucking ribs, it feels like all your organs is going to come out your throat. That's not okay. That's when you got to control. You got to duck and move. No, you don't duck and move.

No, you don't move. You don't fucking move. This might be making her the seven because she's trying to protect her cervical health. Okay? He might have a big stupid dick, and she might be trying to protect herself. Straight up. So she got to learn to kegel. Okay? Which will make your coochie tighter.

Yes. And you can block it. You can block. It's like when you're trying to put something in your mouth, and you stick your tongue up to block. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. Stop that shit. You see that? It's like when you try to put something in your mouth and you stick your tongue up to block. Stop that shit. You see that?

The coochie is like a mouth. And then when you flick, when you kegel, it's a little part. If you feel in there, it feel like your tongue. And you just block, block. And then he's hitting that part and he think he killing something. But it's like you're you like you protecting that cervix i feel like this is such a and then you got to know how to dip your hip when you when you fuck with somebody with certain kind of dick you got to learn how to adjust your hip so he not busting your ass yeah like you're throwing up because his dick is coming out yes which has happened to me we It tilted my whole goddamn uterus.

Threw my chakras off. Honey. And you were new in that moment? I was vomiting like crazy. Went to the doctor. That motherfucker had to have at least nine. It had to be nine. He told me he had a big dick, too. He told me.

He was like, yeah, most women don't because my dick is so big and so fat. And I was like, boy, please. Ain't no dick that big ain't no blah blah blah then he pulled his dick out I was like and I'm one of those shit talkers I always back up what I say so I was like I'm finna you're like pussy stretch I got this you're like it's not even that big what were you talking about you're like crying I'm fully crying i'm like you all right you are yeah yeah i'm okay i'm okay that's how i get oh ten minutes later tiffany's in the hospital okay so the moral of the story this is this real we got a lot out of this if you are fucking so many women right in like what do i do with this big fucking thing kegel and stop and end the who that will block you ride

you ride you control it you control the show you hit it from this you get like i mean i just don't even fuck with big dick that's how you get utis and all that shit stop making these big dicks feel like they're doing something no they they're dangerous. It's a negative. They always treat you bad, too. I ain't never met somebody with a big dick that was polite unless they was handicapped. Oh, my God. They treat you with respect. I have never met a dude with a big old dick that was like always tentative to carry you,

looked out for you, all of that. No. Mediums and extra smalls. I have said that. I said small dicks for the win. Not like baby, but like smaller dick on like the medium. Medium. Now I'm saying medium side.

Because that large shit is just, there's just, there's not a lot. They pass your G spot. G spot's three inches in, bruh. Mine is anyways. Three inches in. I'm like, sir, you're literally at my belly button. My G spot is like nine inches down. Yeah, you just need to tip.

So maybe we should just tell guys with big dicks that are listening there that are getting a little discouraged. Yeah, well, I don't give a fuck if they're discouraged. Fuck you and your big ass disrespectful dick. Out here giving bitches HPV and cervical cancer because you destroying people's goddamn reproductive organs. Fuck you. Dancing to it.

Tilting it. Now they got to do massages and shit. And meditating, yoga and all this to get their fucking uterus back off the tilt. Like, what the fuck? What the fuck? I think we've really covered a lot in that one. Sorry. No, I love it.

The genuine like rage and just like emotion behind it like, you've been there and you get it. You're a survivor. All the big dicks always break my heart, too. Fuck y'all. Not just the pussy, but the heart. I mean, no, I'm sorry. God bless you. God bless.

God bless. But keep your fucking fat dicks away from us. Leave me alone. No, I like a fat one. Not too much. Right, right, right. Okay, go on. but keep your fucking fat dicks away from us leave me alone no i like a family not just not right okay um okay so are dad bods the new thing is it weird that i'm not fully into guys with washboard abs i have been saying this and i think you said this at some point a man that has abs and is walking around with the perfect body i'm not into into it. What do you do for a living? Why are you in the gym that much?

I prefer a guy with, like, not a full dad bod, but, like, a little bit of something else going on. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, well, I like a little pooch in the belly. Okay, a little pooch. A little pooch. That's what I like to call the coochie bumper or the French tickler. Right.

That's something you can, when you're riding, you can push his belly towards you and it keeps you in place you won't slide off right yeah the speed bump and it kind of pushes up against your stuff against your pubic bone so it's like a nice it's an opportunity it's an extra opportunity guaranteed the bus so okay so see if you know what you do that's true every man listening if you have dad bod you are now the new brat and there's a reason why you were that so true thank you okay and all of you guys with your fucking six packs start eating more and getting your cheeseburger i ain't on a six pack i ain't no way that's nice to look at and lick on and everything but sometimes when you're fucking that you're like i don't want to see that like get your six pack I do like to see I like to

see it on the dad but you ever seen like he's he could look a little bloated but you still see the abs yes I like that that's like oh he got a doodle or something like he bloated his face he on his period but the maps are still but you still see the abs i kind of like that too okay how do i go about cuck holding with my boyfriend i want to watch him fuck another girl what cuck holding cuck holding you want to watch your partner fuck another person in front of you so like she would get turned on by what she's like what the fuck watching it's it's a thing tiff it's really i love i just call you tiff i don't know you're like tiffany haddish it's a thing where call me tiff i'm just i'm on some like what what kind of crazy bit what have you been what how damaged is this

why would you want to see the person i'm sorry i'm grabbing my tits i am i am i am like she's like why do we need to? Why would you want to? Why would you? It's definitely something like guys are always like, there are some guys that are like, I want to watch my girl fuck another dude. And girls are like, I want to watch my guy. Is that their way of being like bisexual,

but not being bisexual? Like, are they participating in that sex? Or is it like? No, a lot of times they'll literally be in the corner, like jacking off by themselves. Okay. So, so it's like they're imagining they're that person. Maybe it's also the jealousy like gets them turned on or something.

You're like, you're fucked up. No, no, no. Okay. So I, if I was, I would, I would, I would die. I would commit murder. I would be so if I heard him moan at all like anything. You're physically watching

his dick in and out of this girl. I would. You couldn't. It would be a problem. It would be a full problem. To me, when somebody says they want to watch that, I'm thinking they have sexual issues. And they just want to let their boyfriend have his moment. i'm thinking they have sexual issues and they just want to let their

boyfriend or their or yeah they have sexual like let him have his moment but i don't want to watch that like if i was with a guy and he tells me like i need to fuck other people that's what i'm into a variety of pussies okay cool you want to keep it open great because i can get into a variety of dicks um but i don't want to watch it and i don't want him watching me get fucked by somebody else i don't need nobody stealing my fucking moves if you want if you watching me fuck it's because you fucking me and we looking in a mirror and if if if my dude said he wanted to watch another dude fuck me i'll be like okay put on a wig nigga let's get in this goddamn mirror and you got and change your voice shave your beard off now another

man is fucking me use your acting skills god damn it because i'm not you're not into it not i'm not into it i'm telling you that's how people end up in jail oh this is how you end up on snapped right yeah that is actually could see that being that would be a very good. This is why relationships is toxic as fuck. I think that people watch too much goddamn porn. Yeah, they are. They watch it too much porn and they think that, oh, that'd be cool if I went in. You could be my porn star. I knew you like all this hurt and anger. Just all this shit comes up and you don't even like where I didn't even know I felt this like, bitch, you're crazy. Why would you give yourself like that's like saying, okay, I'm going to go, but we're going to go kill.

We're going to go out here and we're going to kill cows. We got to cut the cow's throats. And you thinking like, yeah, I love beef. I could kill a cow. Fuck yeah. You ain't never seen nothing bleed before but yourself. You know what I'm saying? Right.

And then you go out here and you try to cut this cow through and all this shit come up and you're like, I'm a murderer. What is wrong with me? Because you're not made for that shit. But you know what? We've heard Tiffany is not into the cuckolding. To you, girlfriend listening, if you really still are like, Tiff, you, but I still want to fucking do it. Just tell him.

Let me tell you something. She's like, nope, I'm back for more. Let me tell you something. I do a lot of comedy shows. A lot of times women be hitting on me with their husbands right there. And they say things like, I would love to watch my husband fuck you. And I say, bitch, is you crazy? What has he done to you?

What is wrong with who hurt you? That's your husband. You want to share that? Not going to work for me because if I fuck your husband, he going to be mine. And then they be like, what? I'm going I'm gonna take you opposed to threesomes then is that different yeah I don't want to do threesomes either unless it's me and two men yep thank you and one gotta be a little man and one a tall man like a basketball player and then like and like a circus worker or something I don't know like a basketball player. And then like a circus worker or something. I don't know. Like a jockey.

No, smaller than a jockey. Oh, wow. And then little hands massaging my feet by that big man throwing. Oh, yeah. And then just like the little one just rubbing me down. Then the little one start doing it to me. And then the big one rubbing me down like, like hands. Hands.

Huh. But I'm not sucking two dicks. That's a lot of work. Only one dick will get sucked. Yeah. That's exhausting. Now, if two dicks get sucked, they sucking each other's dick. Yeah, you're doing it.

Yeah. And I would watch, now, I would watch that. I like watching gay men have sex or straight men that have sex with each other, whatever you want to call it. I like watching that. Two dicks can get sucked have sex with each other, whatever you want to call it. I like watching it. Two dicks can get sucked. It just won't be by you. You're going to take one.

The rest can they can figure out for themselves. OK, love that. Moment of silence for Tiffany's interpretation of cuckolding. Tiffany Haddish, you are an icon. And I like am still in shock that I'm sitting on this couch with you. Why am I an icon? Because you're hilarious. shock that I'm sitting on this couch with you why am I icon because you're hilarious you're successful you've got billboards I want a billboard oh wait I'm forcing him to get me one and now I'm gonna put it in fucking New York right where my ex is

thank you so much for coming on this podcast yeah thank you they're gonna love you thank you thank you for having me daddy fucking gang that is it for this week's episode. I feel so honored to have now been able to sit down with two unbelievably talented women kicking off this exclusive season. Right. sweet sweet sweet and ironic that when I recorded this episode with Tiffany she gave me a little pointer of how to live life specifically with regard to where to place your goddamn billboards and it just so happens folks that this week that color daddy billboard was in fact placed in New York fucking city you gotta fucking love it. Fuck you.

Anyways, daddy gang, as I said in the beginning of this episode, get ready, motherfuckers, because the mini episode, the first mini episode is coming out tomorrow. So you're getting a little double dip, a little double dose of Call Her Daddy this week. And as I always say, but I guess it's a little different this week, I will see you fuckers next Wednesday. But I'll see you also tomorrow for a little mini episode. Bye, daddies.