Call Her Daddy - Your Guide to Better Sex

Episode Date: February 20, 2022

This week, Father Cooper is joined by clinical psychologist Dr. Lori Brotto. How should we overcome issues like low sexual arousal, lack of orgasm, and painful sex? What even is a “normal” sex drive? Do I have a sexual dysfunction? Dr. Brotto breaks down all of these questions and walks us through a variety of specific strategies anyone can implement in order to achieve better and more pleasurable sex. Join Dr. Brotto at the end of the episode for a guided sexual sensations meditation that you can try in the privacy of your own bedroom (grab those vibrators). Enjoy! 

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. Five, six, seven, eight. We're back. Hello, Daddy Gang. It's a mini, mini, mini, mini, mini, mini, mini, mini, mini. I have a doctor coming on today that is going to help you improve your sex life and daddy gang make sure you stay till the end because dr brado is going to take us through a sexual guided meditation and i guarantee you a good time that is what we all want that's the goal here so all i can say is you're welcome. From a dad to her children, enjoy. Dr. Brotto, welcome to Call Her Daddy. Thank you so much for having me.

Daddy Gang, Dr. Brotto has a PhD in clinical psychology and her research focuses on sexual arousal and women diagnosed with sexual dysfunction. However, the techniques that she teaches and has researched can improve anyone's sex life. So Daddy Gang, if you are listening, whether you have been struggling with your sex life, or you just want to improve it, this episode is for you. So how would you define female sexual dysfunction? Yeah, that's a great question to start with Alex, because a lot of people might not understand or know if they're having a difficulty with their sexuality, they might just say, Oh, you know, I'm aging, or I'm going through a stressful period. And the fact that I've lost my ability to orgasm, no big deal. So it is really important to talk about the difference between what do we mean when it's a clinically significant sexual problem versus something that

maybe is as a result of a life event that someone is going through. So when we talk about sexual dysfunction, it's a period of at least three months or more, where you notice a real change in some facet of your sexual experience, like loss of desire, inability to orgasm, pain with penetration, changes in arousal, and those changes are distressing for you. So it has to kind of interfere in your life in some way. Now, it's not enough that a partner's upset about it, the person experiencing the difficulty has to experience some level of distress. In your experience, how do women describe their experiences of sexual dysfunction? Like a man's like, my penis won't get hard. Like, what is what do women come to you with? Yeah, so first of all, a lot of discomfort,

right? So they come with a lot of shame and embarrassment and discomfort. And, you know, we can spend the whole time together talking about just the socialization of women and how women are expected to be and not to be and And still, even to this day in 2022, there's still a lot of stigma and pathologizing of women, you're either a nymphomaniac, because you like sex too much, or you're frigid, it's so corrupt. So but but the the lasting impact has meant that actually most women who struggle with their sexuality never talked to a healthcare provider, but they just kind of fumble about on Dr. Google, they might try some experimental things on their own, but they never actually do talk to a healthcare provider. So a lot of you know, what I do as a sex researcher and a sex therapist, to really empower people that hey, this is how a sexual problem might present itself,

maybe you're not as interested in sex as you used to be. Or maybe it takes you a lot longer to reach orgasm now. Or maybe the quality of the orgasm is like a tiny blip on the screen. Another really common one is pain, pain with with sexual contact. And that's another one that women and their healthcare providers really dismiss, they might say, Oh, you must be it must be a yeast infection, without doing a proper exam without doing a proper exam, without doing a proper culture, prescribe an antibiotic, the pain doesn't go away and it worsens over time. And then six months later, she's now fearful of sex. You do write about how a loss of libido or sex drive is one of the most common experiences. A woman comes to you, let's say, and says she's only interested in having sex about once a month.

Do you consider this an experience of low libido? Like, how do you gauge that? Just with that piece of information? No, because let's suppose her partner desires sex once a year. So she might be labeled as having high desire. I personally lean towards focusing on the discrepancy in the relationship, because when we say, oh, you're the person with low desire, it pathologizes that person. And the partner is sitting there on the couch, arm folded saying, is she fixed yet doc? Is she

fixed yet? As opposed to saying, well, what's happening in the relationship? That's maybe it's bad breath. Maybe you're touching her the wrong way. Maybe there's other couples related reasons. In your book, you take the reader through a succession of mindfulness exercises. I have listeners writing in daily about all of these common problems. So are you telling us mindfulness can serve as a potential solution to these issues? Because I'm going to be honest, mindfulness, I can already feel people just being like, Mm hmm. Yeah. Sure. I will very tentatively answer the question with one word. And that's yes. And and and there has now been so much research evaluating this, that a mindfulness program really does help with pain

with sex, low desire, lack of arousal and orgasmia, loss of pleasure, distractibility, intrusive thoughts. I'm not going to lie. When I saw the word mindfulness in the title, I was like, I mean, I think I tried yoga once in my life and it wasn't for me. So I'm nervous in a good way. I think there's people immediately skeptical, which I love. I've never been able to get into meditation or yoga specifically. So let's get into it is, is there a specific type of person that mindfulness practices work best on? And then are some people just not cut out for it? Yes. The person who's willing to try it. I was sort of snickering, Alex, when you said, you know, I tried yoga, couldn't do it. I was snickering because I have heard that hundreds and hundreds of times. And in fact, I have one of my slides

in my presentations that is titled, I tried yoga and couldn't do it. So it's because that is exactly what we hear. So it's the person who's, who is willing to try it. So it's because that is exactly what we hear. So it's the person who's who is willing to try it. So it's a simple practice, but it's not easy. So the simplicity is in guiding attention to the present moment in a nonjudgmental way. And by nonjudgmental, you're not judging yourself how you're breathing. Oh, I hate how I'm breathing. I'm not doing this right. That's judgmental.

So it's about letting that go while you're paying attention moment by moment, that's all you're doing. But to be able to sustain that for 15 minutes or 30 minutes, it's actually really hard. We live in a world that has more and more and more conditioned us to be in many places at the same time, This idea that, you know, multitasking as the Holy Grail, our brains don't multitask. They're incapable of multitasking. When we think we're multitasking, we're actually switching between tasks. And every time we switch from doing one thing to doing another, there's a toll it takes on our brain's ability to process, makes more mistakes, our quality of the satisfaction,

what we're doing goes down. It's also a cultural shift in kind of letting go of this idea that multitasking is a good thing because then people take multitasking into sex. I personally can attest to that where I have had such stressful days of work and I get home and I, in my mind, like, I'm like, I know I want to have sex with my boyfriend tonight, but then we're in the bedroom and I am just thinking about work and I'm not able to achieve an orgasm because I'm, I'm thinking about sex, but there's also like in the back of my mind work that is multitasking. That's not helping me be fully present in what's happening, which is my boyfriend and I trying to have sex. That's right. It's like your body's having sex, but your brain is not. You know, Alex,

one of the questions I often ask people is, I want you to think back to any sexual encounter in your life that was great for you, right? Like, just bring it up in your mind, imagine it. And then I'll kind of go around the room and start having people describe it. And they'll, they'll all describe something totally different. Oh, I was here. I was there. I was on a beach. I was masturbating.

I was with two partners. I was with my favorite partner. Huge diversity in what they're doing. But how they describe it is exactly the same. I was in sync. I was present. We were both on the same wavelength. I was so in tune with what I was feeling that I could sense every breath,

every move. And that's mindfulness. And I say this unequivocally, it's the most important ingredient in satisfying sex. So in your book, the first exercise that you teach involves a raisin. Everyone's like, what is going on right now? Can you explain the concept of the raisin and why it has become such a huge piece of your work? Basically what I do, and I I'll do this either in a group format or one-on-one and increasingly I do online therapy. And so I'll just tell the person that I'm working with, okay, go in the next room and ideally get a raisin, but any piece of dried fruit or any piece of chocolate works. And it's funny when I do the same group and I'll pass around the plate of raisins, you see people grab them and start popping them in their mouth, right? Which is kind of autopilot, autopilot,

right? So right away, we get a glimpse of what the mind does, which is when we're not paying attention and we see food there, mindless eating is classic example of that. So with the raisin, what I'll do is I'll have them first put it in their hand and observe it. Look at its size, look at its shape, its color. What happens when you turn your hand around and you see the light shimmer off the surface? What happens when you bring it really close? Can you see all the internal crevices of the raisin? And then I'll have them put it to one ear. Can you move it around in your fingers? And then the other ear. And rather than thinking about the raisin, pay attention to kind of just the bare sounds that come up. And then

when you put it to your nostril and close your eyes, what sensations come up in your body? What do you notice? And they'll say, oh, I notice I'm starting to salivate. I feel wetness in my mouth. I noticed that the smell is more intense. I'm noticing a bit of an urge to kind of pop it in my mouth. And then I'll say, keep it there on the outside, put it against your lip. And now what's happening? And then they'll say, oh my God, burst of salivation. And then they put it in their mouth. And I very gradually walk them through taking one chew. So take one chew, notice the explosion. What are the flavors like, but at a pure bear sensation level, and then very slowly swallowing and noticing the

aftertaste and then the echo of the aftertaste. So we would, we would literally spend 10 minutes consuming one raisin and then they put the plate away. And then I'll say, what did you notice during this practice? And they'll say, oh my gosh, I never knew that raisins were so, had so much flavor in them. I've never eaten a raisin that slow before. I never noticed that it looks like a vulva, which is always funny when they or that it's got all these colors to it when I turn it around. And then I'll ask the second really important question, which is how was eating the raisin in this way different from how you normally eat a raisin? And they'll say, well, either I hate raisin, so I don't eat them at all.

Or I'll stick my hand in the bag, grab 50 of them, pop them in my mouth, barely chew and swallow them all. So this was really different and a bit excruciating to eat one raisin for 10 minutes. And then I'll ask them the third question, which is the most important question of all. And that is, how is eating the raisin in this way relevant to your sexuality? And they'll say, oh, my gosh, if I could just slow down during sex, what kinds of sensations would I notice in the same way that I notice sensations of the raisin? Or they'll say, oh my gosh, the building up of saliva in my mouth, that's anticipation. If I plan sex and I think about it, can I actually anticipate it as a way of building desire? Or if I really pay attention

during sex, can I notice way more than just kind of checking in here and there? So on their own, they're immediately able to see the connection between mindfully eating a raisin and how those skills directly transfer to their sex life. And in fact, over the eight weeks of the groups that I run, I never once tell them, here's how mindfulness will help your desire. Here's how mindfulness will, we just do the practices and then they make the connections and they always do. And now we're moving up in the progression of mindfulness practices. And the next exercise that you introduce would be a body scan. Can you explain how one would attempt this practice for the first time? Yeah. So usually with a guide,

so I will guide people through and I've got audio guides for all my practices as well. And basically what we're doing in the body scan is you're just paying attention to body sensations. You're not trying to relax. You're not trying to change your body. Like you're not doing deep breathing or muscle relaxation. You're just paying attention to body sensation. So I would guide you through starting with the left big toe, that specific, we're going to move to the tip of the left big toe. And I'm going to guide you through what do you notice there? What sensations are there? What temperature? Is there a vibration? Do you feel your sock? Do you feel your shoe? Do you feel nothing? And that's great too. And then we move up to the other toes.

Then we move to the rest of the foot on the left side of the leg, across from one hip to the other down. And then we progressively move through all different parts of the body. So I usually do this over 20 to 30 minutes. Traditional mindfulness based stress reduction is a 45 minute practice. And all the person is doing is noticing bare sensations in their body. So when we do that, when we can really tune into sensations in the body, we're building a skill. And it's a skill that number one, women have less than men, which is that kind of internal awareness called interoception, awareness of what's happening in the body. And number two, women with sexual problems, really struggle with, they really struggle with. They really struggle with really sensing what's happening in their body. So the body scan is a way of noticing and tuning into even the most subtle sensations. So let's say

you have even a twinge of arousal, sexual arousal, because you have a brief sexual thought or a brief sexual fantasy. That skill of interoception will allow you to tune in and notice, oh, I just got that little twinge in my shoulder. Is that the start of arousal? But most of us, most people are so cut off with what's happening in their body that they don't notice those subtle responses to those triggers in their environment. So the body scan, which we practice over and over, it's not sexual whatsoever, but it's entirely sexual at the same time, because we're building the muscle that allows us to tune into sexual sensations. I know people can relate to the experience that when you get out of the

bath or the shower and just standing in front of the mirror naked for a minute, sometimes you want to immediately throw on your towel before you can even catch a glimpse of yourself. But we can actually use this as a moment of mindfulness you write about. Can you explain how to turn staring at yourself naked in the mirror into a mindfulness exercise? Yeah. So I'll take a step back. And that is just pointing out that women carry a lot of shame about their bodies, a lot of distortions about their body, a lot of negative body image. I hear stories every day of women who no longer dress in front of a partner because they're worried what partner's going to think, or they've had two kids and have stretch marks and are embarrassed. And so there's a lot of body shame

that actually contributes to women being disconnected during sex and directly affects her desire and ability to orgasm. So the exercise that you're talking about, the focusing exercise asks women to after a bath or a shower, first of all, during the bath or the shower, can that be a mindful moment of noticing the soap, looking at your skin and not looking at it to evaluate it, but really looking very closely and being able to say, oh, yeah, it's got this texture. It's got this shape rather than fat, thin dichotomous language. It's about 10 centimeters or this shape or that's round or that's flat. Then I'll ask them to, once they come out of the bath or shower, is stand in front of the mirror and really try and use descriptive language

to describe that they see, but not evaluative language. So not the language again of good or bad, these kinds of binaries, because women will far more often put themselves in that negative side of the binary because of society's totally unrealistic standards. And again, they take that into the into the bedroom by doing things like maybe not letting a partner touch them on a certain part of their body that has gained a few extra pounds or that they're feeling shameful about. And so once you start pushing partner away, you are then cut off from potentially sexual stimuli that otherwise might feel really good for you. What are some types of thoughts or questions like so specifically,

like if someone's like trying to guide themselves, looking at themselves in the mirror after the shower and immediately if their thought is like, Oh, like my love handles, how do we shift from that and get back into the mindfulness of the positive thinking? Yeah, great. So we always use the language of bear sensation. So in the same way that with the raisin, it wasn't about Oh, raisins are in cookies or raisins are in Christmas bread. Rather, it's about vibration, texture, temperature, intensity, radiation, that kind of thing. Same with the body scan. It's not about thinking about the toe. Rather, it's about directly experiencing the sensations. So then when you're looking in front of the mirror, it's not about using the judgmental language of like or dislike, but rather

it's about, it's this color, it's got this contour, it's got this angle to it, very descriptive, almost objective language that no one else could disagree with, right? So if someone was coming in and looking at your body, they would describe it in the exact same way through that language of purely bare sensation. And it's hard. And I realize as I'm saying this, you might have listeners saying that is so impossible because as women, we have been socialized to continually evaluate our, our bodies. Everything in society is about improving the body, which is really bad for sexuality and cuts us off from what's happening on the inside. Even if you just start

slow. So like a little bit in the shower and then you get out and you make a couple of comments. And even if you can only do it for like 30 seconds, just starting somewhere of giving yourself that moment to like be with your body, look at yourself rather than quickly throwing on the towel. Yeah. And I'll just add Alex that if there is someone who really struggles with body image or history of eating disorders, maybe looking at one part, like maybe it's the knee, maybe it's the region from the ankle to the knee and just focusing on that one part only before kind of branching out and looking at other parts. Can you explain what it means to surf your feelings? Yeah. So I do a lot of surfing. And what I love about surfing is, you know, you might have a day where the wave is great and on your side, and you might have a moment where it's like crashing down.

And how do you stay on that board and navigate it? So this notion of kind of surfing our feelings is there's going to be good feelings. There's going to be bad feelings. There might be some discomfort. There might be pain, might be bad memories. There might be great ones. And all we're doing is we're, we're staying on that surfboard and staying present. And the thing with surfing, this is why I love the analogy is you've got to be so present. As soon as you disconnect or go elsewhere, you topple over. So it's about staying present to navigate whatever comes up. You might be in the middle of sex and have a memory about a traumatic sexual event that happened

15 years ago. How are you going to handle it in that moment while you're with a new partner who you love and adore and are consenting, and you suddenly are having dissociation and trauma in the moment. And the best way to deal with it is staying present, stay on that surfboard and ride out whatever comes up, staying present in your body. One of our studies was focused on women with a history of sexualized violence and trauma. And, you know, they, they were pretty skeptical because they knew that I was going to teach them how to stay present during sex. But what we found was when they actually, you know, said, all right, I'm going to do it for the sake of science. And it worked and it helped them to stay present. That is incredible. It is. It's, it's an awesome feeling to be able to

give that gift to someone. Again, leveling up on our mindfulness journey here. You talk about how when a woman begins a sexual encounter, usually they're in like a sexually neutral state. Most of the time, how can mindfulness help someone easily transition from a state of sexual neutrality to sexual arousal? Yeah. Awesome. So by sexual neutrality, what we mean is that, you know, a lot of sexual neutrality to sexual arousal. Yeah, awesome. So by sexual neutrality, what we mean is that, you know, a lot of people, a lot of women go about their day, not horny, not in the mood. And it's when they deliberately think about, like, as you said earlier, thinking about and planning, oh, I'm going to see my boyfriend tonight.

We're gonna have a great night. You sort of plan it. Maybe you fantasize a little bit about it as well. So mindfulness is really important, because it helps you to really think about what might be some of those reasons why you'd want to engage in it. And this is super important for women with low desire who don't have motivation, they never get to that point where they're looking forward to sex. But mindfulness can be a way of helping them to think about what's in it for me, and what's in it for my relationship. So maybe they think about, oh, well, I'm not in the mood before. But once we start, and once we sort of get going, and we touch in the right way,

and I can be present and feel arousal, I actually start to like it, right? So that might be a person who deliberately thinks about experiencing arousal, I actually start to like it, right? So that might be a person who deliberately thinks about experiencing arousal on the other side. There's lots of non sexual motivations to I want to get to sleep. It helps me manage my mood. It helps me feel empowered and feminine. It's good for my relationship. It's a way to show love. It's to celebrate a birthday. So mindfulness is a way of intentionally bringing up what are some of those positive reasons, some things that could tilt you out of neutral towards being open to sex. So let's talk about the tools. What are some tools someone can use for the sexual sensations, awareness, meditation that

you discuss? Yeah. So when we start a mindfulness program, I always encourage people to start just kind of basic mindfulness, mindfulness on the pillow, not in the bedroom, right? So the body scan, some breath awareness practice, maybe some mindful movement so that they start to understand like, what does this actually look like? What does it mean to pay attention non judgmentally moment by moment, and then all gradually bring it progressively into the bedroom. So I might one exercise that

I do sexual sensations is all ask them to choose, you know, choose either a vibrator, or maybe fantasy or some erotica that you watch or read. Engage with that for a few minutes. And we know that when you watch erotica that's pleasing to you, and that's, again, a whole other topic about the difference between erotica and porn and what's appropriate to a certain person or not. We do know that it elicits feelings in the body. So you do that for a few minutes. And then you turn that off,

you turn the vibrator off, what have you, and you shift to a mindfulness exercise. And so I actually have a guide, a seven to 10 minute guide, that'll guide them through the body, now noticing their heightened response, right? So they engage in the arousing activity, then we pair it with mindfulness right after. And it's just a way of really helping them to detect those sensations of arousal in their body. Again, because so many women are cut off, like they might not even feel anything until they're on the brink of orgasm. And I'm like, yeah, but what about what about zero to 99? There's so many gradations in there. It really helps with helping people to tune into the five or the 10 or the change from 10 to 11. And when you can tune in and notice those subtle

changes, it actually directly contributes to arousal and to desire. How have you seen this practice translate in those people's sex lives? That's also something we've studied is like what happens when we're done our groups, like in our groups, they're pretty structured. We tell them what to do, what happens when people leave and kind of go back to reality. First of all, they keep practicing them. So when we interview women a year later, they're still practicing the skills and we've asked them, you know, you've improved in your sex life. Why are you still using these skills? And they say, because I've improved in my sex life. So they've improved. They also notice improvements in other facets of their life,

like managing stress, distractibility in general mood, a lot of women with low desire also struggle with depression or mood changes. So they're so motivated, because the skills work that they keep them up in their life. And then they will just integrate mindfulness into their, into their sex, right? So they'll notice that when they talk to their partner about planning sex tomorrow, they'll notice what does it feel like in the moment? Do I feel a twinge? Do I feel a bit of, Ooh, as I'm, as I'm talking about it. And then that is kind of like kindling a fire, right?

When you notice it, and you pay attention to it, it starts to grow and grow. From that point, people are going to be like, well, how freaking long do I have to do this for? Do I have to do for hours a day? Like, how do where do we begin? Yeah, so awesome question. And we've actually measured is it more important to do it every day, a few minutes a day, or do one really long practice once a week. And it turns out a little bit every day goes a lot further. It's sort of like if we equate this to physical fitness, it's far better to do your 1520 minutes of exercise every single day rather than go really hard one day a week and be sore. So because we're exercising a muscle in the brain we're exercising the muscle of

mindfulness and awareness in our groups we tend to do longer practices so 20 to 30 minute practices but it's because people are signing up for an intensive eight-week group and they're learning a brand new skill after that you know it's fine to kind of taper back to say 15 minutes a day which might feel like a lot but when you think about when you read about just the return on investment, that 15 minutes can buy you a lot of time where now when you have a conversation with someone, you're actually paying attention, or you're having a meal and you're actually savoring what you're eating, or you're engaging in sex, and it's rewarding sex and pleasure filled sex. So the return on those 15 minutes a day, you know, it's undisputed,

it's so worth it. And, you know, again, when I come back to that question that I asked people in the audience, like think back to the best sexual encounter you had, and they will inevitably describe the one where they were the most present. And partners can sense it, they can sense when you're disconnected, they can feel it in your body. Although, you know, there's some variability, some people can, some people can't, but to be able to tune in so much to be able to say to a partner, wow, I noticed that twinge in your back. I noticed I can hear your deeper breathing and it's really sexy. It just, it communicates that you're present along with them and you're on this journey together. Are these practices easier to implement when you're having sex with a long-term partner versus a new partner or casual sex situation?

No, they make no difference. In fact, what I say to people who are, you know, who don't have a longstanding partner, you can say, here's what I come with. I come with talking about sex. I come with talking about consent. I come with talking about paying attention. And, and so in some ways it's actually easier to say, here's a great and fun way that we can start to get to know each other sexually. That's a great point. Okay, Daddy Gang, so the reason you stuck around, you are now about to begin a sexual guided meditation led by Dr. Brado. Enjoy. So we're going to do something called a sexual sensations awareness meditation. And we've introduced this meditation practice as something that can be done immediately after engaging with a sexual aid. And that aid might be use of a

vibrator, or reading or watching some erotica, or engaging in a sexual fantasy. And so for the purposes of the practice that I'll be guiding you through today, I want you to imagine that you have engaged with one of those tools, or you can certainly pause this podcast and go and use one of those tools for about 10 minutes. I often encourage people to elicit some arousal, but not to the point of orgasm. So if you sense that orgasm is pending, you might want to ease off on the use of that sexual aid or stop altogether. So now, imagining that you have engaged with one of those erotic aids for about 10 minutes or so, I'm going to invite you to get into a comfortable position, perhaps lying on a bed or lying back on a comfy chair, being well supported from behind. And just take a moment to check in with the body's position, taking a balanced and relaxed position as you lie or sit here comfortably.

Closing your eyes, if that feels comfortable, and focusing attention on what is going on in your body right now. just take note of your overall energy level, your sensations of breathing, and perhaps sensations of the heart beating, noticing sensations on the skin, the bare sensations of tingling, warmth, or coolness. And as best as you can, guiding your attention to the present moment, just on those general body sensations. Next, I'll guide you to have a more specific focus of your attention on the breath,

taking note of the breath sensations at the belly as you breathe in, seeing if you can feel the diaphragm pushing down as the belly moves out with each in-breath. And the belly deflates with each out-breath. You can also take note of sensations at the nostrils. Noticing the movement of air as you breathe in and breathe out. And noticing where else in the body that the breath sensations make themselves known to you. Just observing them as they are. No intention to change them. No need to make sense of them. Just sensing them as they are.

And next, we're going to move with a more specific attention to different parts of our body. Having just engaged with an erotic tool for a few minutes before this practice started, I'll invite you to bring your attention onto your facial expression and the sensations in the face. Just noticing if you sense points of tension or looseness or relaxation. And then guiding your attention down the body, past the chest, down past the belly, and down into the general pelvis area. Taking a moment to pause on the broad area of the pelvis, seeing if there's any sensations that are capturing your attention in this moment. And rather than thinking about them, just sensing them. Maybe that's pressure or temperature or a certain region.

Sensing if the sensations are radiating or if they're fixed in one spot. And now guiding attention down into the general area of the genitals, allowing the focus of attention to rest gently on the vulva and the vagina as a whole, noticing the individual sensations in this area of the body as each sensation emerges, lingers, and fades away. See if you can take note of how the genitals feel moment to moment. Maybe there's tingling, warmth, fullness, pulsing, or maybe there's a lack of sensation. Or maybe you notice sensations increasing and decreasing in their intensity. You can also notice if those sensations in the general region of the vulva are experienced as pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral.

Perhaps accompanied by a liking of those sensations and an urge to want more of them. And what does that feel like? Or maybe there's a feeling of disliking and an urge to push those sensations away. And if so, what does that feel like? How does that show up in your body. And of course, for neutral sensations, taking note if there's any liking or disliking of those as well. And of course, our minds wander. So whenever you notice that you've forgotten about the sensations in the genitals, because your attention was engaged in the content of a thought or a story or trying to make sense of or maybe judging, simply notice where your attention has gone and gently return your attention back to the sensations in the genitals.

Whatever is there in this moment more focused way to the individual parts of the genitals, starting by noticing any sensations in the clitoris, which is the region just above the vagina. Noticing any bare sensations that are there. Warmth, pressure, tingling. You can also guide your attention upwards even more to the region called the mons, which is the typically hair-covered region of the genitals. Again, just noticing what does it feel like there as you focus your attention to that region. Next, moving attention downwards to the inner lips, also known as the labia minora, the inner folds that cover the opening of the vagina. And just again, noticing what do I feel here in this region?

What sensations are there? the outer lips or the labia majora, bringing that same kind, open, compassionate awareness to that region of the body as well. And then the area between the labia, which is the vaginal entrance, seeing if you can sharpen the focus of your attention to that area, just taking note of attention once again to the genitals as a whole and to the greater area of the pelvis and just allowing your attention to move flexibly to whatever sensation is most vivid to you moment by moment. Allowing the attention to move and notice if the sensations are experienced as pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. Perhaps noticing if the sensations there are experienced by you as sexual in nature.

And if they're not, that's fine too. All we're doing is observing. Finally, expanding the focus of attention beyond the genitals to include a sense of the body as a whole. Line here, breathing. Resting in stillness and in present moment awareness and allowing attention to rest on whatever sensation is most prominent moment to moment, wherever it is located in your body. And as the mind is pulled away in these final moments of our practice, just acknowledging that our minds do wander, we can guide it back to focus on the body, focus on the bare sensations that arise with each passing moment, and that we can observe those sensations with kindness to them, with compassion, without judgment. And now as we come to the end of this practice,

congratulate yourself for taking this time to cultivate your awareness of sexual sensations in your body. And then when you're ready, gently opening the eyes and making whatever movements seem fitting for you to resume the next events of your day. Oh, I hope you enjoyed your orgasm. I will see you fuckers next Wednesday.