Calm Parenting Podcast - 10 Secrets To Stop Homework Battles

Episode Date: February 5, 2023

10 Secrets To Stop Homework Battles Is homework time often a nightly power struggle that results in meltdowns, lectures, and tears? Your kids have real attention issues, want to give up when work gets difficult. So Kirk gives you a couple dozen practical strategies (including some weird one) to make homework time easier and reduce the power struggles. Our Winter Sale Begins NOW: You get everything we have ever recorded delivered directly to an app on your iPhone, iPad, Android, or computer. Listen anywhere, anytime. You get 35 hours of practical strategies and concrete examples, along with multiple PDF workbooks. Make 2023 different. Click here to learn more and take advantage of our Winter Sale: https://celebratecalm.com/products/ Want to talk with Kirk directly and come up with a game plan for your family? Kirk will work with you individually, or together with your spouse, to get you on the same page and help with the toughest parenting situations you haven’t been able to solve. These calls are a game-changer. https://celebratecalm.com/call-kirk/ Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2023?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom events for schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY! Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So are you tired of the daily power struggles and fights over homework, right? The homework can trigger meltdowns, lectures, tears, and it's just miserable, right? I know some of your kids have real attention issues, right? Many of your kids want to give up when work gets difficult. Some of your kids are just bored. Some of them are exhausted after holding it together all day at school. So instead of just harping on kids for being lazy or not applying themselves, what I want to give you are some tools to improve focus, to improve the brain processing,

to make homework time easier and less stressful, right? Now we can't cover everything, but I'm going to give you some tools. I'm going to talk fast. I'm going to try to fit a lot of this stuff in. So that's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our son, Casey. He was a very strong willed kid who hated homework. So we fought with him over this for years until we finally, finally had the breakthrough that things only changed, homework, schoolwork changed, when we finally figured out how his brain works best rather than trying to impose our way on him.

See, some of you are type A, right? You've got very linear, neurotypical brains. So you assume everybody learns and works best like you do. And that's a natural assumption. It's just not true, right? And so you've got to figure out how do their brains work. And I'm going to show you how to do that in just a minute. And once you do that, then you can do sometimes some weird things, some odd things, but that really help your kids make that connection in their brain. So if you need help, reach out to Casey. He gets this. It's C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com.

Tell us about your kids, your family, whatever the ages of kids. What are you struggling with? We get together as a family. We talk about it. We will reply back to you personally because this is a personal mission and we're here to help. So this podcast is coming from a mom who emailed us and told us this story. She said, okay, she's got a strong-willed child. He's about 11, doing his schoolwork. He's on the computer and he happens to see an audio file on the computer, and he opens it. And what it is, it's me. They have the Calm

Parenting Package and ADHD University and all of our programs on their computer. You can get it on the app. And so we sent her the app. She'd get all the programs on the app, but he clicked on it, right? And so he starts listening to me teach about all these different things. Now, he has to write an essay, which is really hard for him as it is for most of your kids, right? Getting their thoughts from head down on the paper is really hard. Your kids will crumple up their paper and throw it down. This is stupid. They can talk to you about their great ideas, but as soon as you ask them to write it down, it's really, really hard. So what do kids do? They procrastinate. They complain. Some of your kids even have a

meltdown, right? Most of your kids will give up when work gets challenging. So this kid is now listening to our programs. He's listening to me talk about how to jumpstart his brain and push through things that are difficult using movement, music, momentum, managing your energy, not your time. These are huge insights that will help your kids. So his parents notice him doing weird things. He's like sprinting around the outside of the house. He's sitting on an exercise ball. His parents never use it anymore, right?

He's lying upside down off the sofa, spinning. He's listening to music, using his pencil as a drumstick. He's chewing gum. He's scribbling notes furiously and it's messy because it's a really big key for your kids to let them do that. And so they asked their son, what are you doing? And so he said, well this calm guy that you listen to said there's nothing wrong with my brain that I actually have advantages because I can hyper-focus when I'm interested, that I just need to jumpstart my brain. Why didn't you guys tell me this when I was younger? Now, that's typical strong-willed child thing, right? Like, why didn't

you teach me this? But it's true. We fail to teach our kids the way their brains work best. It's the brain they're going to have through college, through all their work career for the rest of their lives. So his parents' mouths are hanging open, right? They're about to get on this kid about looking at private things on the computer. And then the kid, their child comes up with this. Oh yeah. And he said, you need to apologize for misjudging my motives and lecturing me so much, right? You know, this kind of kid. He's got the smart mouth, but the huge heart, right? The kid who will give all of his stuff to a homeless person, but he'll turn around and say awful things to you, right? And so now he tells his parents, because this is a funny story. He says, look, mom, dad, I'm sorry for not listening, and I'm sorry for arguing so much. I know I push your

buttons. And they begin to smile, but you know how this ends with a strong-willed child. He said, well, I only push your buttons because you have so many buttons to push. Not my words. That's what that calm guy said. So all fun aside, you must jumpstart your child's brain so he or she can push through difficult assignments like writing. And by the way, you do need to apologize for micromanaging your kids. And they may just reciprocate when you lead with humility. So giving kids tools to succeed with

homework time. I want you to observe your child. How do your kids learn best? Watch them around the house. Where do they like to sit? How do they sit? Do they sit on their heels. Do your kids like to hide? How do they relax best, right? Where are they when they do that, right? Do they like rocking back on that kitchen chair that annoys you so much? Well, that probably says they have a sensory need because that feels really good.

The pressure on their back feels good and they have to balance on the chair so they don't tip backwards. What is that? That's brain stimulation, right? You can use that, right? If you have a child who hangs upside down off the sofa, use that because you can walk in and say, hey, bet you can't do your math worksheet upside down. Better yet, go lie down next to them upside down. You will connect with them, see the world from their point of view and probably get the work done more quickly and have a better conversation, right? Do you have a

child who comes home from school and maybe hides under things, likes confined spaces? Perfect. So banish the homework table of death. That's what we call the kitchen table where spirits are crushed as we stand over as parents saying, you know, if you would just focus, you'd be done in 30 minutes instead of it taking three hours, right? Because that kills a kid's spirit, right? So instead, throw a blanket over the table. Now you just created a fort. Kids love forts. Let them do their schoolwork under the table. Now it's dark under there, so they need light. So hand them a flashlight. Why? Flashlights are fun. They're interesting.

Or hand them some matches. That'll stimulate your brain. And by the way, they can eat the mac and cheese and chicken nuggets that fell off their plate from the night before. Mix it up. Do it differently. By the way, many of your kids are slower processors of information. It's how their brain works because they're also deeper processors of information,

which also leads to them having trouble sleeping at times because it takes them a while to process everything. So I really want you to normalize that, that there's nothing wrong with doing work more slowly, right? Especially type A parents out there, right? Let's get this done, get this done. It's not the way their brain works and you don't wanna change their brain. You wanna accentuate, you wanna use their brain the way it's supposed to work.

Otherwise, they will begin to internalize, well, I'm stupid, I'm slow, so I must be stupid. Not true at all, right? So much of this is just mindset. Many of you have kids who already feel like they're behind or they're stupid, right? They don't compare well to their siblings. So I want you to build their confidence, create successes, get them using their natural gifts and passions as much as possible. Encourage their curiosity. Discover what your kids are curious about, right? So I bet about a third of the phone consultations that I do with parents are parents of teenagers who ask this, how do I motivate my child? Whether he's 11 or 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, doesn't matter.

How do I motivate my teenager to care about school? Well, it's not by lecturing them, right? They already know that they're supposed to care about school. You have to discover what they care about first and then link that to how school actually helps them get what they want, right? When you get them doing a mission, right? A larger mission, using

their gifts, talents, and passions, working with another adult because other adults can see great things inside your kids. They can hold your kids accountable in ways that you can't. And you already know this. Your kids are usually amazing for other people and horrible for you. So I use the mission and mentor approach to discover, right, that they have a natural gifting to be an architect, a veterinarian, IT person, a teacher, a psychologist, to help other kids, right? See, once they get a vision for how they can use their particular gifts and passions, now they have a reason to do schoolwork, not because mommy and daddy or teacher wants them to do it, because it means something to them. It's a means to an end, right? Many of you are like, well, you should just do

your schoolwork because it's good to do schoolwork and feel good about. Look, they're very practical kids, right? So just tell them, okay? Like, hey, look, just get the degree. Do the work so that you can do the work that you love later, right? So here are some other tools. That's a really important one to find what they care about. Movement, critical. Let's work movement into the learning process

because movement creates rhythm. Sitting on the exercise ball. Let your kids stand at the kitchen counter while they're listening to music. Experiment with intense music while they're eating a snack because the chewing, the rocking back and forth, the listening to music all create rhythm, which creates rhythm in their brain and helps them process better, right? And so instead of like, let's have a snack and then do schoolwork, no, let them eat a snack while they're doing it, chewing gum,

fidgeting, it's all good for them. Review vocabulary words, math facts, flashcards, all that stuff, even deeper concepts, right? Even deeper concepts, not while you're sitting down, standing over them or sitting down quizzing them, but do it while you're sitting down, standing over them or sitting down quizzing them, but do it while you're playing catch, kicking a soccer ball, right? Doing a hula hoop, right? Going for a walk, swinging. We did a lot of schoolwork. We taught kids how to read while they were swinging on a swing because they had to work hard to hold themselves up and all that brain stimulation made it interesting. Jumping rope, right? If you've got a child who loves to spin because they have a vestibular need, spin with them and quiz them.

And I guarantee they'll remember their vocabulary words while they're spinning. It's just going to irritate you, right? I talked about music. Develop music playlists for doing work, right? Movement music are about creating rhythm to counter the lack of order in the brain. As I was working through some of this, you know what I was doing? I was listening to a live concert. Why live concert of this band? Because there's more energy to a live concert and it's stimulating my brain and actually helped me concentrate better. So experiment with it, right? Create that obstacle course in the basement or backyard. So your sensory kids have to climb, crawl, slither under and over things, create a climbing wall or things for them to pull, push, shoveling mulch, doing yard work can be helpful, right? Doing schoolwork after intense exercise, really helpful because the brain is stimulated. Endorphins are released. They're a

little bit more relaxed. It focuses them. Casey used to get schoolwork done after he got off the ice. He played ice hockey. It's a very intense physical sport. So now he gets off, his face is all red. He's got the endorphins, right? He's eating and he's doing his schoolwork then. Here's a weird idea. A lot of your kids will do their schoolwork better at a place that they enjoy going to, right? Gymnastics, the gym, at the dance class,

martial arts place, at hockey practice. We did a lot of schoolwork at the hockey rink, right, with some of his friends. I did it in public. Do it in the car while you're driving. I have kids who think best when they're sitting in the car. So you pick your kids up from school, you bring them home, you get out of the SUV, they stay in the car listening to music. It's like their own little office. I have kids who do better schoolwork out in the dirt. Seriously play with this. Experiment with it. Remember to manage your child's energy, not their time. This is a huge insight. I don't have time to do it on this podcast. Huge insight. When you listen to the

Calm Parenting program, you will find this out. You don't manage time. That's a neurotypical way of thinking. I manage my time. Casey manages time. Not our time. We manage our energy. We work in momentum, in spurts. We get a lot done. We hyper-focus in a short amount of time.

And so we divide our days up into how our energy works. It is so much more effective. So giving breaks after school, doing work in small spurts, right? Followed by a break of some kind, just not on screens because it can't come back from that, right? Do the work after exercise. I have kids who do work best when they wake up in the morning. So they wake up, mom or dad's doing breakfast and they come down, they do their work then. I have kids, older kids who often do their schoolwork best, homework, after 10 o'clock at night. I know it's going to irritate you because they're procrastinating, but you know what

part of it is? It's because everybody's in bed. The world slows down. Nobody's up lecturing them and they can think better then. It's just the way that it works, right? So go with that flow of their energy. Do math with sidewalk chalk. I know kids who do homework sitting up in a tree or a fort or sitting in a closet or hiding in the bushes. It's stimulating. It's weird. It's peaceful. And their parents can't look over their shoulders, right? You give context. Context is super important

for strong-willed kids. You can teach percentages and algebra by calculating the percentage increase in the number of Instagram followers they have to match someone famous, right? When I volunteered at the inner city community school during COVID, I would do real world math problems. Hey, you get your first NBA contract. X percent goes to your agent, to taxes. How much do you have left over after you pay all those things? When I made it a story, stories are interesting. You remember stories. Stories and context are great teaching tools.

Look, I know kids who do a lot of work outside, sit on a porch swing, on a rocking chair, so they can push off with their foot while they're reading. It can make a difference. Plus, they're in fresh air with birds chirping. Even if there's snow on the ground, some of your kids will go outside, shovel some snow, or make themselves their own little igloo where they can do school. Do it by stream.

Do it on swings. Take a picnic outside. Just mix it up. Give you a couple more. Give your kids balls they can squeeze or toss in the air while studying. When I worked in the corporate world, especially at this one job I had that I hated, everybody knew when I was deep in thought because they would see a little yellow football flying up in the air above my cubicle. The process of throwing that

ball up in the air, giving it some spin, and then catching it when it came down, it helped me process information and think better. So mix that up. Olfactory stimulation. There's a lot of research on this. If your child has a favorite scent, right? A candle, dad's cologne, in case you used to like the smell of my shaving cream, put a little bit under their nose. Then they can smell it all through the school day, right? It's weird, but it'll work for some of your kids. Light a candle with a great scent. Some kids do better homework while they're smelling dinner being made, right? Look, part of the reason we go to coffee shops or Panera Bread isn't just the caffeine in the coffee. It is the smells that stimulate our olfactory senses that help us

concentrate. Remember to prime your kids for success, right? Yelling and telling them they're lazy, that they're not applying themselves. It just doesn't work. So control your own anxiety and I bet we can make homework less of a power struggle. So what are you going to do differently tomorrow? What are you going to do this afternoon, tomorrow afternoon at homework time? Try some of these ideas. If you need help with this, I encourage you go through the Calm Parenting Program or the Get Everything Program because we detail this. There's so many insights into how your child's brain works that help in everyday life, getting chores done, right? Reducing those power struggles and these things you can share with your child's teacher. You get the programs on an app and

we'll give the teacher access to this app so they can listen to this, so it can help them in the classroom. And we can stop a lot of these power struggles and help your child feel capable and confident. That's what we're after. Hey, thank you for being a great parent. Thanks for putting so much work into this. Thank you for sharing this podcast. If we can help you in any way, reach out to KCCASEY at CelebrateCalm.com and let us know how we can help.

If you ever need help with our stuff financially, don't be afraid or ashamed. Email us and tell us that and we will help you because we live to do this. All right, love you all. Talk to you later. Bye-bye.