Calm Parenting Podcast - 10 Ways To Help Kids with Big Emotions Part 1

Starting point is 00:00:00 One of the hardest things about being a mom is constantly checking the emotional temperature of your home. It can be exhausting and that's even harder when you just don't feel like yourself. And that's why I really appreciate Happy Mammoth. It's a company dedicated to making women's lives easier through all natural products such as hormone harmony. Hormone harmony contains science-backed herbal extracts called adaptogens. Adaptogens help the body adapt to any stressors like chaotic hormonal changes that just happen naturally throughout a woman's life. Go to happymammoth.com, use the word calm at checkout, you'll get 15% off your entire order.

Starting point is 00:00:38 See, hormone harmony is for any woman with symptoms of hormonal changes such as poor sleep and racing thoughts, night sweats and feeling tired all the time. And the biggest benefit? I feel like myself again. That's what women say over and over again in over 30,000 reviews of Hormone Harmony. It's time to feel like yourself again, moms. For a limited time, you can get 15% off your entire first order at happy mammoth.com with the code calm at checkout That's happy mammoth comm with the code calm So do you have a child who has big emotions well, of course you do that's why you're listening to this podcast Moms and dads, I don't want you to be afraid of this

Starting point is 00:01:22 You've got kids who are usually very very very bright and they get a vision for doing something. They're like old souls. They're like, they want to do adult type things, but they're just kids. So they don't have the tools to carry it out, carry out their vision the way they want to do it. Many of your kids have impulse control issues and so they get really frustrated. These are intense kids and I promise you you want the intensity in the long run. I'll show you how to work with this. So do you or your spouse have big emotions? Yeah probably. It's pretty normal. So I wanted to share with you about ten different ways to calm kids

Starting point is 00:02:02 and parents with big emotions over the course of the next two podcasts. Many of these are going to be brand new ideas I haven't shared on the podcast. You will not have heard these unless you've gone through our programs. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome this is Kirk Martin founder Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com where we have a huge Black Friday sale going on right now. So check that out. So here are five different ideas I'm gonna go through in this podcast and then we'll do five more in the next one. First

Starting point is 00:02:39 idea is this. Expect it. It's not like this is something new. Don't be shocked that intense kids with big visions who picture things in their brains and they get frustrated. Don't be shocked when they respond with intense emotions. You're not doing something wrong moms and dads. You're not a bad parent. You have intense kids who want to do grown-up things but they don't have the tools yet to do them and that means they will do some great things in life but it also means they're going to be frustrated. And one of the most powerful tools is this. Every day wake up and say, hey I know my kids are going to have big emotions and melt down

Starting point is 00:03:20 today. It's a given. So I'm going to plan for it and not be shocked or triggered when, not if, it happens. And you start to think about this, hey when I pick my kids up from school, one will vent and complain for seven minutes about why he hates school, but I won't react because I'm not responsible to fix that for him. He just needs to process it verbally that way. At the grocery store, one of my kids is going to have a big tantrum because I won't let him have a cookie from the produce department. But I'm not gonna give in because his behavior and moods don't change my behavior and moods. Then when I'm

Starting point is 00:03:58 cooking dinner, I will be ready for the inevitable sibling fights. Now one of my kids is super picky, so he'll probably resist at dinner, which will trigger my spouse's big emotions, then we'll have tears over homework and bedtime. Just know it's going to happen because it usually does. And then if you actually make it through a day without big emotions, well that'll be kind of a bonus. Now, some of you, I've got addresses, some of you get frustrated and you escalate situations because you're doing way too much for your kids and then you become resentful. Well, I do all

Starting point is 00:04:34 these things to make my kids lives so perfect and I give them things I never had as a kid and you'd think they would respond with some gratitude. Instead, they take it for granted and complain even more. I'm sick some gratitude. Instead they take it for granted and complain even more. I'm sick of this. Look, I get that. But you made the decision to do everything for your kids. They didn't. Maybe you're trying to heal your inner childhood wounds by being so good to your kids because you never received that. But you can't give to others with expectations. See, otherwise that becomes manipulation, right? Because I do so much for you, you owe it to me

Starting point is 00:05:14 to behave well, to be thankful. That's just a flip version of what I used to do with the fear intimidation approach, right? Of like, I need you to behave because if you don't I'm not sure I can control myself or behave myself right so stop doing everything for your kids apologize to them for creating this false expectation that that's how life works begin expecting more of your kids and making your own needs a priority. Think about this phrase, if you don't care enough about yourself to make your own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs a priority, why would anyone else care? See, begin to treat yourself like you want others to treat you. We call that

Starting point is 00:06:05 demonstrating self respect. Okay, so first step, begin planning a fire drill for your home in the next 24 hours when, not if, big emotions are unleashed. What are you going to do differently next time? Number two, have a code word. This is an idea that our son came up with as we were changing as a family. In some ways he was actually teaching me how to talk to him when he was upset. When he used to conduct school assemblies for kids, he'd teach them the idea of the code word. And if you have our get everything package let your kids listen to Casey's straight talk for kids program. They'll listen because it's a kid talking to kids about how to control

Starting point is 00:06:52 themselves and get more freedom. So this is what Casey would say to your kids. Look nothing helpful happens when you continue to talk and argue if you're already frustrated and upset. You end up saying things to your parents that you don't mean and then you're gonna lose your screens. What you need is some space and time to reset. But how do you stop once you've started to get frustrated? In case you would tell them, my dad and I used a code word. It can be anything. For us it was chips and salsa. Did we actually eat chips and salsa every time? No, but what the code

Starting point is 00:07:29 phrase meant was, hey let's be quiet no more words we're going to separate for a few minutes and then talk later. Try this sometime. Use the code word. You can separate, chill out, and then chat when you're calm. And what Casey assured and reassured your kids was you'll get in trouble less often and you'll actually have more freedom by doing this. And look, as parents, you can ask your kids what they want the code word to be that means you need to stop talking and lecturing and yelling. I did that with Casey as well. He would give me a code word and I'd say, you know what, apologize. That's on me. That was my issue. I just kept going on and on. Okay, number three. We've been through this before, but I want to show you kind of a

Starting point is 00:08:16 different twist to this. It's about giving kids positive intensity because many of your kids get extremely upset and even destructive when little things go wrong or they'll get upset over things that you perceive are just trivial little things. So let's say your child comes home from school and immediately begins building a catapult because they're cool because our kids have little engineering brains. They're fascinated with how things work. That's why they tinker with things, including your brain, because they can see patterns in your arguments and thinking and in patterns in how things fit together. So I love buying old electronics from a thrift store for kids to work on.

Starting point is 00:08:58 So your child's building and after a little while, you hear that dreaded sound. Your child raging, upset, lashing out. His catapult didn't turn out exactly how he had pictured it in his brain or seen it online. So he's clearly overreacting and destroying the catapult he spent so much time working on. And you'll hear your child saying things like, this catapult is stupid. I'm stupid, I hate myself. And most good parents will walk into the room and say something like, honey, that was a really good catapult. I thought you did a great job with that. Now look, some of you are still using that really sweet voice with your kids

Starting point is 00:09:39 when they're upset. And I'm telling you, it will enrage them because it sounds condescending and it makes them feel like you're not taking this seriously. It's like you're trying to convince them that what they created was good so that they won't be upset. And here is also why it escalates

Starting point is 00:10:01 and enrages your child. Here's what they're thinking. All day at school I've been thinking about making this catapult because I like building and tinkering with things to see how they work. Look I'm not really good at school or sports or following directions like my perfect siblings. I'm always in trouble and this is one thing I'm supposed to be good at, but the stupid catapult didn't work right, so I feel like a loser who can't do anything right. And then you walk in the room and act like it's no big deal.

Starting point is 00:10:33 But that just shows you don't understand me and don't realize this strikes at the core of my self-confidence. And this is why I have big emotions over this. Can you kind of see that? In dismissing your child's frustration because it seems trivial or because you're uncomfortable with their big emotions, your child now feels completely misunderstood and I will tell you with strong willed kids, it is one of their biggest triggers and it will cause bad long-term effects when you get to the teenage years. So instead of dismissing their emotions

Starting point is 00:11:15 or trying to convince your child that there's no reason to be upset over something so trivial, you validate with intensity. You know, of course you're frustrated. You put a lot of effort into that and it didn't work the way you wanted. That's frustrating. See, we all want that kind of validation when we're upset. It's calming. Yeah, you know what? If I were you, I'd be really disappointed. See, those are great phrases and this happens all the time with our kids. If you do have our

Starting point is 00:11:43 programs, listen to the Strong Will Will Child program because it will give you so much insight into how these kids think and that will stop so many meltdowns, power struggles, and it'll stop these big emotions from escalating. Okay, number four. We've talked about this. Give your child space and no eye contact when they're upset because nobody likes to be watched when they're melting down. So you remove yourself from a minute. Oh you know I need to go to the bathroom when I get back. We'll problem solve this. See kids need the time to process their disappointment frustration and anger without us trying to fix them. Without us watching them. And I don't like giving eye contact to kids when they're really

Starting point is 00:12:23 upset because they're usually beating themselves up inside. They're embarrassed by their meltdown. And you're gonna see this in our next example. So number five, this I call color me calm. And I'm gonna show you how to do this for little kids and even teenagers. Because one of the foundational things we have to realize when we're trying to calm upset kids, we have to control ourselves first. It simply does not work if you or your spouse cannot control your own emotions. There's no blame and no guilt. But the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. Otherwise you're just going to escalate situations all the time.

Starting point is 00:13:07 So that's why I like to sit. I adopt an even matter of fact tone without emotion, without pleading, without trying to convince my child of something. So one of my favorite stories is back in the day when we used to have these camps at our home we'd invite 10 to 15 strong willed kids, kids on the spectrum to our home. We'd invite 10 to 15 strong will kids, kids on the spectrum, to our home. And what we wanted to do is put them in real life situations in which they struggled. Like we would change plans on them at the last moment. Social skills are really hard for our kids. We would also disappoint them on purpose and they would end up melting down. And there's this one little guy's

Starting point is 00:13:42 name was Max. And Max had a lot of anxiety and he would go out on the front steps of our home. We lived in his townhome surrounded by hundreds of homes outside of DC. And so he would stand at the top of the stairs and just scream like like that those blood curdling screams. And I think he's partly upset and partly just trying to embarrass us with the neighbors And so one day I went out and instead of trying to calm him down Remember, we've talked about that. My goal isn't to calm him down at first. It's control myself It is also to give him something in control of we always had the sidewalk chalk That the kids always used all over our steps and on the driveway.

Starting point is 00:14:25 And so I walked outside, I grabbed the sidewalk chalk, and I sat two or three stairs below Max. Why? We just talked about that. I don't want to stand over him. I wasn't looking at him. I just began drawing on our steps and about a minute later Max stopped screaming and I heard him say, Mr. Cook you don't know how to draw very well and instead of getting offended right stop taking things personally from a child I can't believe that you would say that to a grown adult. Of course he's gonna say that because they're kind of honest kids and he was right I'm not good at drawing so I said yeah I'm not very good Max notice the tone I'm not saying hey buddy I know it's really hard here see that makes it worse it's condescending

Starting point is 00:15:14 so instead of you know what Max you're right I don't hey could you could you show me how to draw and so he came down and he started drawing on the steps. And he was showing me and teaching me something. Huge calming tool, right? Because now he's kind of back in control of himself and this situation, he's feeling mastery. You know what's really interesting? I didn't have that written down as one of my key points, but let's add that as like number six and number seven. So giving them something they feel in control of, taking back

Starting point is 00:15:50 control of the situation and feeling mastery over something, because he wasn't mastering his emotions, but he was with the drawing. That is really, really cool. And notice there wasn't any eye contact going on. And so once we started into it and he was calmed down, now I could talk to him and say, so I noticed that that wasn't going well for you inside. I'm curious, what was the hardest part of that for you, Max? So I wasn't saying, why were you yelling? Why did you get so upset? I'm just talking to him like a normal adult saying, hey, I

Starting point is 00:16:28 could tell that was hard for you and I'm curious what was the hardest part. So try that sometime. It is really, really cool. But what do you do with older kids like teens? So picture this. Picture a mom and teenage daughter at a standstill. Teenage daughter is coming at mom with teenage tone and attitude. And mom has every right to respond, young lady you will not talk to me like that. And I said that to my son once and he said just did. Yeah he was a tough kid. So mom wisely doesn't take the bait, doesn't take it personally, because you kind of expect this from teens and tweens.

Starting point is 00:17:09 Instead, she recognizes her daughter is in an irrational place. So rational talk won't work. That's one of our issues. We keep thinking that, well, we'll just give them, it's kind of like love and logic at times does not work with our kids because they are in an emotional place. They're not thinking rationally. So she's not going to convince her daughter to speak kindly

Starting point is 00:17:35 to her. That's annoying in that moment. And she doesn't want to keep escalating this situation. So mom sits at the table, grabs some paper and maybe a pencil or some crayons, and begins to draw her color just focusing on herself. And maybe she pushes a couple sheets of paper over and maybe even a coloring book. I used to advocate keep a few coloring books on hand. Why? Coloring is so calming, right? It's virtually impossible to color or draw and scream at other humans. So she pushes, kind of pushes these crayons and some papers over in front of her daughter, doesn't say a word. Now teenage daughter is doing what? Staring at her mom like,

Starting point is 00:18:22 what are you doing you weirdo? And mom takes her tone down a notch because you remember I like to lead instead of like well I'm the I'm the authority figure the child needs to apologize to me for her tone no I'm the grown adult I'm the I'm the authority figure which means I'm supposed to be the leader so I lead mom takes her tone down notch you know I can tell you're frustrated I'd supposed to be the leader so I lead. Mom takes her tone down notch. You know what, I can tell you're frustrated. I'd like to hear what's going on. And she says that without even looking up at her daughter. So look, you can give your daughter or son a caring, knowing look and that would be okay, but for some kids it's just annoying. So experiment with it and if it

Starting point is 00:19:03 doesn't work don't do it. But mom could also say this, you know what honey, I've had a long day. I'm frustrated too. I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier. See, that kind of humility will break down walls and I guarantee you that will lead to an apology from your child. So the daughter somewhat reluctantly at first, the teenage daughter who has, you know, was a few minutes ago wrapped up in her big emotions because everything in the teen world and tween world is immediate. Now, in the moment with such urgency and it's all that matters and if I don't get out to hang out with my friends I'm gonna be left out and my whole life will be ruined." That's their world. That's what it's like and it's even worse now because of social media. It's so pervasive and

Starting point is 00:19:52 immediate and constant and visual. So mom didn't try to convince her daughter that everything's okay and she didn't try to calm her down. She calmed herself down first. She slowed herself down. She slowed that runaway train, that confrontation situation. Because how many of you do this? You get wrapped up and you're like you know what I may as well just go for it. I'm tired. And then you regret it later. And she did this by coloring because it is hard to yell and scream while you're physically sitting and coloring. It changes the dynamic and you know what you're doing? She just drew her daughter in. She led her daughter to a calm place

Starting point is 00:20:36 and now picture a mom and a teenage daughter are sitting together. Each coloring. See it's grounding, it's settling, it provides a focus, something you both can control in that moment and the sensory feel of the crayon or pencil in your hand as it brushes against the paper. It feels good and settling and so both of them are looking down at their sheets of paper and that confrontation and urgency is gone. And now they can talk and they can problem solve and they're together. It's not having the daughter sent to a room to think about her attitude. Mom drew her

Starting point is 00:21:18 there and now they both have a different tone. Look, you may not choose to color with your kids. That's perfectly fine. There are 50 other things you could do. You may need to do something more intense and physical when your kids are upset. So we're going to cover that in the next episode because we're going to learn why hitting a pillow or doing breathing exercises usually don't work with our intense kids and they don't work with me either. Now if you have that discipline that works program I spent an hour on this this whole idea of kids who are being aggressive. I did that in great detail so if you have the programs it's downloaded. I updated it's downloaded to your phone now and it's in take advantage definitely of the Black

Starting point is 00:22:02 Friday sale. Look if you need help financially, email Casey, because we want you to have the programs and the tools, but just reach out to us. So for the next few days, let's do this. Let's practice this. Expect big emotions and disruptions to your day. Plan ahead. It's like having a fire drill

Starting point is 00:22:19 to put out the emotional fire in your home. Banish that overly sweet voice and practice an even matter-of-fact business-like tone that communicates, I've seen this before, I've done this before, and I've got this. I'm not moved or thrown by this at all. Have a code word. Remember to use positive intensity in different situations. When kids are pushing buttons, picking on siblings, freaking out and over changes in plans or disappointment. Use that intensity and come up with your own version of Color Me Calm. What can you do that calms you and leads your

Starting point is 00:22:58 child to a calm place? Let's do that this week. Hey, thank you for listening on the next episode. I'm gonna take you through five different ideas, but let's work on these. I appreciate you working so hard at this. I have so much respect for you for doing this. I appreciate you sharing the podcast and I'll see many of you kind of on Instagram, even on TikTok sometimes. So thank you, thank you, thank you, and we'll talk to you later. Love you all. Bye-bye.

Calm Parenting Podcast - 10 Ways To Help Kids with Big Emotions Part 1

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