Calm Parenting Podcast - 10 Ways To Stop Power Struggles & Get Kids To Do Stuff

Episode Date: October 13, 2024

10 Ways To Stop Power Struggles & Get Kids To Do Stuff Do you find yourself getting into power struggles with strong-willed kids over things you never thought you’d have to fight about? Even simple things like putting your shoes on, eating your food, going to school, doing homework, getting ready for bed, going to an activity your child actually enjoys? This is how life works with a strong-willed child! Kirk gives you 10 tools in 25 minutes to overcome anxiety, resistance, and rudeness! Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products/ to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. AG1 Visit https://drinkAG1.com/calm for a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D3K2 AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase. AirDoctor AirDoctor comes with a 30-day money back guarantee so if you don’t love it, just send it back for a refund, minus shipping! Head to https://airdoctorpro.com/ and use promo code CALM and you’ll receive UP TO $300 off air purifiers! OneSkin OneSkin is the world’s first skin longevity company. Get started today with 15% off using code KIRK at https://oneskin.co.  SIMPLISAFE Protect your home with 50% off a new SimpliSafe system, plus a free indoor security camera, when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring. Just visit https://simplisafe.com/calm. There’s no safe like SimpliSafe. WILD INTEREST PODCAST FOR KIDS Wild Interest is the new podcast created and hosted by children, exploring nature, science, current affairs and much more! Wild Interest: find it wherever you get your podcasts. It’s wild! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So do you struggle getting your kids to just do simple things you never thought you'd have to fight about? Do you find yourself getting into power struggles with strong will kids over everything? Even simple things like putting your shoes on, eating your food, going to school, doing homework, getting ready for bed, going to an activity that you actually enjoy doing once you get there, but you fight me. This is how life works with a strong-willed child.

And that doesn't even include getting them to do things they don't want to do, like taking some icky antibiotic or medication. So in this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to give you eight or ten different tools for use in daily life because some days you're going to use five different strategies with the same kid. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. Look, let's jump in. I'm going to apologize up front for talking too fast in this episode. I have enough content for two podcasts, but I want to fit this into one podcast and still keep it under 25 minutes to respect your time as busy parents. And I'm going to use morning routine as kind of the central goal here, getting your kids

up in the morning off the school. But even if you don't struggle with morning routine, take the principles and strategies here and apply them to your own struggles in other areas. So here are a bunch of different tools and strategies. Number one, look, have some proper expectations of your kids. Understand who they are. Know their nature. Learn how to control yourself and don't take things personally with these kids. And I'm going to encourage you first thing in the morning, do not interrogate your kids. I know to you, it's not an interrogation.

You love your kids. You want to know, hey, did you get all your homework done? Did you study for that big test today? Did you wash your hands, take a shower? Did you brush your teeth? Did you clean your room? Did you make your bed? All those things to a kid first thing in the morning just sound like an interrogation. So let's have some fun with this to demonstrate the point.

What if your strong-willed child came downstairs and the first thing he or she asked was, hey mom, dad, how are you guys doing working on your triggers? Because I've noticed you still react and you yell and lecture a lot. Hey, what about handling marital communication and conflict better? Because I notice all the subtle eye rolls between the two of you. Hey, mom, dad, you know, you've been working at that job for a while. And I wonder why you haven't been promoted. You know, if you would just apply yourself and do your best at everything, you probably would have been promoted and be

making more money now, right? Because we do all those lectures with our kids. We would not want to hear that turned around. Here's another one that's disrespectful, but kind of fun to mention. Hey, mom, dad, I noticed you guys are getting a little flabby. Do we need to have a talk about good food choices and exercise? See, you'd hate that. So no interrogations in the morning. Keep it positive. Look, some of you are morning people. I am as well. Realize that we are annoying to other people who need to ease into the day and don't want to talk to anyone first thing in the morning. Look, it would be weird if your child came down in the morning and said with a smile, top of the morning, dearest mother and father, so grateful for this day that's been given to us to try our hardest

and do our best in everything. You know, my response would be, I think our son needs to be tested for drugs, right? So many of your kids are quiet, and this is actually really important because they're processing their anxiety over the coming day, the social anxiety. They don't always fit in with kids their own age. They struggle in school at times. Sometimes they've internalized, I'm stupid, I'm dumb. They've got a test coming up. They're actually anticipating there might be a special event at

school. And so they're kind of even visualizing in their brains how to navigate different parts of their day. And you're not even aware of all of that that's going on inside of them. And this is very hard for them. So what they do is they go inside of themselves and process. And then all they hear is all this cascade of words and ideas and questions and interrogation. And it's annoying and it's also disruptive to them. So my mom was old school. She would say, well, you should always announce your presence when walking into a room. And my response is that, like, especially your middle school child announced

his presence by flopping down with his hoodie, sweatshirt covering his head and grunting. He just didn't announce his presence the way you prefer. Don't react. Don't take it personally. And look, I'm going to be tough on some of you because some of you say like, well, it's rude that your child doesn't come down and greet you when they were greeted and they should come down with a smile and say good morning. And I won't argue with you over that point. They should, but I deal with reality and you're going to worry, well, if my kids aren't good like that in the morning, well, then they won't have good manners.

But the truth is your kids do have good manners with other adults. They speak in a mature way with other adults. And other adults love your kids. Look, because their friends' parents don't grill them immediately. Look, when you have your kid's friends come over, your first question isn't, hey, did you get your chores done at your home today? Did you brush your teeth?

Did you complete all your homework? Did you do your best? You don't do that to other people's kids. You ask them about things they're good at doing and you're positive. So try doing that with your child. Look, my other response is that you're being disrespectful because this child has told you very clearly through words and actions they do not want to talk in the morning. And yet you insist. You keep going and going and

trying to get them to open up. And that's your own anxiety. And in some ways, it's very disrespectful. So stop. Control your own anxiety. Stop projecting your own preferences and needs onto your kids. And I promise you, you will just be quiet sometimes. And if you keep it positive, then your kids will open up to you. So maybe you like talking and connecting in the morning. They don't.

So respect that. And look, I had thought like you could apologize. Hey, I'm sorry that I always talk in the morning, but I can picture your strong-willed daughter staring blankly at you or just saying, okay, it's about time you finally listened. What, you want some credit for finally listening? Then she'll get up in a huff and roll her eyes. And that's the way you start your day.

So do not apologize for some of these things. Just change your behavior and actions. That is the best and most effective apology. Okay, here's an important one, number two. Get to the root of what's going on in the morning. For many of your kids, resistance is from anxiety. So I always normalize anxiety. Hey, you know what? Of course, of course, you're a little bit anxious about going to school. It's noisy. It's chaotic. Sometimes you don't always connect with kids your own age because you're this old soul. And I remember like you remember yesterday, you had this amazing talk with Mr. Henderson down the street,

so, you know, and you get bored in school and sometimes you get overwhelmed. So, of course, you're anxious about going to school sometimes. See, you're normalizing anxiety because it is a very normal thing to do. You could normalize, yeah, I kind of get it. You don't want to go to school because you don't really see the purpose of it right now. You know, a great thing to do. You could normalize, yeah, I kind of get it. You don't want to go to school because you don't really see the purpose of it right now. You know, a great thing to say to some of your kids who struggle with school anxiety, you know what? Nobody knows how hard it is for you to get up every morning and go to a place where you don't always feel like you fit in. You know how awesome that would feel to hear that from your parent? Connection

with teacher. We're going to get to connection in a bit. Sometimes your kids will assume that a teacher doesn't like them. See if you can find a common interest between your child and the teacher. I remember once we were working with this family and a kid thought, this teacher doesn't like me. And I was like, okay, well,, you're gonna experience that a lot in life with thinking different people don't like you or you're not connecting with them But sometimes it's a misperception you have so I'm gonna challenge you and I did this with it like third-grade kid find something out about Your teacher that's personal And so what he found out is that she had a child with some very special needs But that her son loved trains.

So you know what this kid did? He actually made a train out of his Legos for the teacher's kid, and then they bonded over that. It was a beautiful, beautiful thing. You can't always do that. But here's one thing you can do. Always, wherever your kids have a teacher, an assistant principal, someone at school,

give your child a special mission doing something that they're good at doing. Saying, oh man, Sarah, Justin, look, I could really use your help. Could you be here every day five minutes early because you're really good at doing X and I could really use your help with this project. That sometimes is extremely helpful for overcoming anxiety. If you struggle with this, go back in mid-August. I did a whole podcast on school anxiety and refusal, so look that up. Number three, have fun and stop fighting. This is kind of fun. So your child has to take some kind of medication. Maybe it's an antibiotic. Maybe it's some other kind of medication. They don't like doing it. And instead of trying to

convince your child how important it is to do it, which never works, just identify with them and say, you know what, I would hate taking that every morning. So here's what we're going to do. Every single morning, I ask you to swallow something you hate. So I'm going to do the same. How about I take a drink of orange juice and milk mixed together, because that's gross, while you're taking your pill. Or I do something that makes me uncomfortable, like 20 push-ups. Just try it. Now, tools. I love giving kids tools, and connection is my favorite tool.

So here are a few examples. Casey hated school. So I would walk into his bedroom. Look, here's how we usually walk. Come on, got to get up, got to get up. School, school, school. Got to go, got to go, got to go. And what happens?

Our anxiety causes them to dive back under their sheets. So sometimes I would walk in, just sit on his bed, and I'd mention one quality that I really liked about him. Hey man, I really love, Casey, I've noticed, you're really good at connecting with older people. You're really good with little kids. I noticed yesterday in the neighborhood that that one kid was getting picked on and you stood up for him. And I love that about you. Or I'd compliment him on something like, hey, last night after dinner,

you brought like your fork back from the table to the sink. Maybe tomorrow you'll bring one more utensil. And then finally, I'm kidding, but you praise for progress, not perfection. So I wake them up to something positive. Sometimes connection. Casey was an old soul. He loved blues music from a young age. So I'd say, Casey, I downloaded a really cool John Lee Hooker song. If you get ready and get downstairs in the next seven minutes, we will blast that while we're making breakfast. There's some connection. You could ask your child about something they're interested in. Just know that you probably won't be interested in it. Hey, if you get ready every morning, every morning we leave, school bus comes at 7 23 a.m. If you get ready like seven minutes early, I will give you

seven minutes of my undivided attention. I will even watch your favorite TikTok videos. My least favorite thing to do in the world. Don't necessarily say that. And I'll actually act interested. The point is connection. Draw them to you. It can be really helpful. Okay. You know, if you've listened to our programs, instead of punishing kids for failing and falling into that if-then trap, if you don't get ready, you miss this, I'd rather proactively give kids tools to succeed. So here's a way to get kids out of bed in the morning. This is harder. Not all of you can do this, but if you have younger kids, any type of roughhousing will draw them to you and get them moving. If it's possible to actually play outside in the morning or roughhouse a little bit,

wrestling, doing things like that with your kids, that'll get them up and moving. You know a weird one, but that will work, and maybe even with older kids, is have your kids get up and help a neighbor first thing in the morning. Some of your kids would love going down to the Henderson's house down the street or next door in the morning to help them walk their dog. Now, they won't walk your own dog, and they won't pick up any of the dogs in the backyard,

but they will do it for other people. But if there's some way to get them doing an adult type job in the morning, and this could be for a four-year-old, a six-year-old, a teenager of, hey, you like making coffee. Hey, you're going to be my barista every morning. And maybe you can make a different type of coffee, add a different ingredient. And if you're really good, you might even earn a little tip. Kids love, our strong will kids love doing adult type jobs. So just be creative. Think about that. You know, I love doing treasure hunts, especially for little kids. I wake them up. Hey, here's your favorite toy in the basement, somewhere in the house, in the living

room. Bet you can't find it in the next seven and a half minutes. Interesting variation is to say, hey, this morning, if you get up, you get dressed, eat, and get ready, you can hide something, and I have to find it. Little kids like stumping their parents. Oh, I did this one before, I think on the new discipline program of a mom or dad who has to go to work early instead leaves in an envelope a mission for your kids to do. So the kids have to get up and get ready, but then there's a mission in an envelope because our kids love missions. And many of our kids like physical, actually like physical work outside, like moving bags of mulch or topsoil or doing something heavy.

And mom or dad leaves a little note, says, hey, bet you can't do this. Or do you think you're strong enough to do this? I love fun little things like that for younger kids. You know I love this one of like, hey, got to get up. I hid your breakfast in the backyard. Bet you can't find it. Get your kids foraging for food. I've been through this a million times. It is an awesome thing to hide a toy, hide food, something outside. Make your child go through an obstacle course so they're meeting those physical sensory needs and they have to crawl under things, climb over things, push, pull things, but hide something outside because here's what you're doing.

You now have a mission. Your child's brain is focused on completing a job, a task. It's getting their brain working. They have to problem solve, which your kids are really good at doing. Your kids aren't great at doing simple tasks, but they're really good at problem solving and solving problems and doing missions. And they're moving, they're physical, they're outside.

They're getting exercise and fresh air. And then they find their food and many of your kids would love to sit outside and eat their breakfast with the chipmunks. They would be perfectly happy. You and your other more compliant they would be perfectly happy. You and your other more compliant kids will be perfectly happy as well because the strong-willed child usually complains all morning, this isn't what I wanted to eat. I can't eat it. Instead, they're outside

happy. You're inside happy. It works. Just roll with some different ideas okay ownership this is extremely important we've done entire podcasts on giving kids ownership over how they do things here's the concept I don't say if you want to do this I say oh no homework's getting done you're going to school this is getting chores are getting done I just don't care how you accomplish it. I relinquish control over how my kids do things because your struggle kids are always going to do things in a different way. They're stove touchers. They have to do this. So you give them ownership within your boundaries. So here's my quick example. Hey, every day school bus comes 7 23 a.m. I don't care what you look like bus comes, 7.23 a.m. I don't care what

you look like. I don't care what you smell like. I don't care what's in your stomach. Just be on that school bus, 7.23 a.m. Look, if you're smart enough to sleep in the clothes that you're going to wear to school the next day, which is brilliant, you can sleep until 7.21, roll out of bed. You can grab that Pop-Tart that I know you hid under your bed because you hoard food up there. You can sleep until 7.21, roll out of bed. You can grab that Pop-Tart that I know you hid under your bed because you hoard food up there. You can even run barefoot out to your bus. I don't care how you do it. Just be on that bus in that car by 7.23 a.m. Now, I have very distinct ways of how I want my child to get up in the morning because I know what's best for them. And I want them to get up and get exercise and eat good, healthy protein

and foods with antioxidants so their brain is ready to learn. Avocado and blueberries. I want all that. But how many of you have noticed the more you try to make your kids do it your way, the more they resist and do it the opposite way. So I give them some ownership over how they do it. You're going to have to control your own embarrassment. Well, my child just wears the same clothes to school every day. Who cares? Stop fighting them.

Look, it's coming up on wintertime, at least where we live. And so your kids are not going to want to wear the jacket to school. And some of your kids are going to wear shorts to school in the winter with a hoodie sweatshirt. You're going to fight over them. Well, honey, if you don't wear a jacket, you're going to catch a cold. Well, you just lie to your child because you don't catch a cold from cold weather. It's from germs. But here's the truth.

I don't want the other parents and teachers to think that I'm a bad mom or dad sending my child to school without a jacket. Look, they're not going to die. If they're at the bus stop and get cold, they will steal another child's jacket. And at the end of the day, you can give them a fist bump and say, it's called being resourceful. I'm kind of kidding. Let them own it. Let them do it a different way. And no matter how your child gets ready, no matter what they look like or even smell like, because eventually they'll get it or some other kid will make fun of them, right?

That's called teasing and then they'll end up brushing their teeth. I get it. Just let them own it because once they own it, they'll do it and they'll take care of it. And end of the day, you just have to grit your teeth and give them a fist bump and say,

good job getting ready for school this morning. I promise you, if you will let go of your control issues and you step back a little bit and give your child space to step up, they will step up and they will be responsible. And I also promise you this, they will begin doing it more your way, but they have to, have to, have to reject your way first and figure it out on their own. And then after they do it, that they will then start doing it your way because you're not pushing it on them.

Just try that. Okay. Let's end this one with tough discipline. So I really want you to use this at times and it's foundational, but here's what it is. Do what you said you were going to do. Keep your promise, and this is foundational. I want you to simply do what you promised you were going to do. This is a tough discipline tool I used in the mornings to get Casey to school on time. I call it time for time. Caveat.

I almost always try the softer approaches first, hiding breakfast, the treasure hunt, connection, before going hardcore. Now, you can use this tougher approach as your kids get older. You just have to be the judge of that know your child. So I would say, hey, Case, we need to leave every morning at 7.23 a.m. sharp. Every minute you are late getting in the car costs me a minute of my time. It also costs the other siblings, right? The tough approach I save a lot for when it impacts other people. So it costs a minute of my time, and my time is valuable. So for every minute you take from me, you will choose to forfeit 15 minutes of your screen time at night. Choice is up to you. Let me know if you need some help.

Now notice the tone. Firm, even, matter of fact. Even a little bit more stern this time. Stern isn't mean. It just conveys, I'm serious about this. Don't mess with me. And that provides clarity. That even tone, moms and dads, really important. Not the lecturing snotty tone.

You know what? You're always late. And if you can't learn to be on time, enough of that. This is just even matter of fact. I mean business here. Here's how it works. I provide clarity. I like the language.

I promise you that if you're a minute late, you lose 15. You will have chosen because your child does have a choice here. Now, Casey's response, of course, was, why do I lose 15 minutes for one minute of your time? That's not fair because a lot of your kids are into fairness because that provides order and structure for their brains. The answer is, I don't play fair. I play to win. And honestly, my time is more important than his. I don't go the consequences route very often. But when I do, I make sure it is meaningful. What I'm really

communicating is, look, you control the outcome here, right? If you get up and get ready on time, the outcome is very positive for you. But if you don't, then the outcome you have chosen will not be beneficial for you. So the first time we tried this, he got in the car. He was three minutes late. I didn't lecture. I didn't get on him. I just held up my phone, and he immediately got upset.

Seriously, Dad? Three minutes late? That's good for me. And he was right upset. Seriously, Dad? Three minutes late? That's good for me. And he was right. That was progress. And look, you could say this time, Hey, I'm going to give you a mulligan. I'm going to give you a do-over because this was the first morning.

Tomorrow, this same choice will cost you 45 minutes of your screen time. And I could offer to help him with more tools in the morning, but you don't have to. And I didn't on this occasion. I simply said, hey, that's better for sure. But you still chose to lose 45 minutes of your screen time tonight. Needless to say, the car ride to school was tense and uncomfortable. And that's normal and okay, moms and dads. When you discipline in a tough way, your kids are not always going to be happy. And that's okay. And I remember him, Casey was sulking.

And I remember him muttering, I don't know why anybody would think you're a parenting expert. This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And I didn't react because he wasn't mad at me. He was angry at himself for messing up. And that night, I simply reminded him, hey, remember this morning, you chose to lose 45 minutes of your screen time.

And he of course said, dad, thanks for being consistent and following through. It makes me feel safe as a child. Yeah, that didn't happen. And that's okay. He was upset again. I just said, see you in the morning at 7.23. And he did much better after that.

Here's the principle I want you to practice over and over again. Simply do what you said you were going to do with no drama, no lectures, no resentment, no talking about your childhood or all that you do after all I do for you. Become the trusted parent your child can count on. Now, when I was revising, because I just revised this new Discipline That Works program, and I went from two hours to four and a half hours. It is full of, it has everything on it. I asked Casey, because he's grown now, I said, Hey, which tough discipline tools were most impactful to you as a child?

And he said this time for time lesson was, quote, harsh but valuable. And he said, when you kept your promise to me, and I had a meltdown or tried to draw you into my misery or manipulate you, you just stayed firm. And that's always stuck with me. So, moms and dads, this was 25 minutes and a half. I was 30 seconds over. I hope you found this helpful.

Listen, if you need more help, go through all the programs on the app. Share it with your spouse. Get your parents on board. We'll get the teachers on board. If we can help you in any way, let us know. But work on the different strategies. Start to think through which ones you want to use in different parts of the day. And as you practice these, they get easier to implement over time. One more thing, by the way, I've had a lot of comments lately about, hey, is it okay for our kids to actually listen to your programs or the podcast? I'm like, yes,

why not? It's not like we're giving away secrets here to manipulate your child. We've actually, over the years, usually recommend that of, yeah, let your kids listen to the programs. I'd let them listen to the Stop Power Struggles with Your Strong Willed Child program, the ADHD University program, because that teaches them how their brains are wired and made, and it can lead to some really great discussions, actually, with your kids. Anyway, I've talked too much. Okay, love you all. Thanks for listening to the podcast, sharing it.

We'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.