Calm Parenting Podcast - 10 Ways to Stop Power Struggles With Toddlers, Teens & In Between

Episode Date: May 14, 2024

10 Ways to Stop Power Struggles With Toddlers, Teens & In Between A Mom on Instagram asked me to share tips for her kids from ages 3 to 16. There are some very odd, but effective, strategies here to stop the power struggles, get your kids to listen, and connect with strong-willed kids. You will also learn how to save money and needless fights over things that aren't important. Plus we've extended our Mother's Day Sale at CelebrateCalm.com. We have extended our Mother's Day Sale. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/mothers-day/ to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. Visit https://www.oneskin.co and use code KIRK to get 15% off. Visit https://drinkAG1.com/calm for a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D3K2 AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase. Head to https://acorns.com/calm or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today! AirDoctor comes with a 30-day money back guarantee so if you don’t love it, just send it back for a refund, minus shipping! Head to https://airdoctorpro.com/ and use promo code CALM and you’ll receive UP TO $300 off air purifiers! Today my listeners receive 20% OFF any AquaTru purifier! Just go to https://AquaTru.com and enter code “CALM “ at checkout. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So what do you do if you have a strong-willed toddler? Or maybe you have a child in elementary school. And I know for many of you, your first introduction to the thought that your child might be on the spectrum or neurodivergent or just a strong-willed child came in first or second grade because schoolwork got a little bit tougher. Your child started shutting down. They're not following directions. Now some of you, you got really lucky because you got calls or emails on the first day of preschool. And that means your

child is very, very bright. And they don't want to do all the boring stuff and arbitrary things they're supposed to do in preschool because their job is to explore and be curious. And so you got that call. And if you have a really bright child who didn't want to be there, they bit someone early on in the school year because here's what happens. When Mr. Chompers comes out and starts biting kids, that child knows, oh, we're going to be dealing with the headmaster or the principal here, and I'm probably going to get to leave this dungeon, this prison is how they see it, and have to go back home. So just so you know, that's partly what happens. By the way, middle school kid, what if you have

a middle school kid? That's kind of a shutdown phase. And these are kids who will do, you know, they do silly things to act out in class because your kids don't always connect well with other kids their own age. They tend to do better with adults and older kids and little kids and animals, but struggle with their peers. So what do they do? They act out to be funny because they associate other kids laughing with those kids liking them. And so those kids often will actually get kicked out of class so they can go hang out with the principal because they have amazing talks about geopolitical issues with a principal. What if you have a high school child, a teenager? What if you have a child in all these different age ranges? And here's where this podcast is coming from. A mom on Instagram asked me, hey, can you give me some top tips because I have kids ages 3 to 16. And I immediately wanted to take a nap when I thought about that.

And I thought, okay, I'll do a special podcast on this. So if you will bear with me, I'm going to share some ideas from all different age groups. And no matter what age group you have kids in, I think you'll find this relevant and helpful. I'd also ask you to know that all of these tips, like there's going to be one, I'll go through giving kids tools and creating successes. Well, I'm going to use that for a two-year-old. I'm going to use that for a 17-year-old. So you can apply these, but I'll try to break them into buckets. I'm not doing this scripted because I really want to give you some different kind of ideas. If you want, want we have all those programs I have 30 plus hours of programs which will take you through

very detailed prescriptions and strategies and insights for each age group from all different kind of angles and by the way we've extended our sale because a another good mom on Instagram said hey can you please extend your Mother's Day sale because of when we get paid, whatever. We need some help with that. And so I got together with Casey and our strong-willed son said, dad, why don't we just make it Mother's Month? Because moms do so much every single day the whole year. They deserve more than a day. And I was like, son, that's beautiful thinking. So that's what we did did so let me roll with this so toddlers I want you to think about this the toddlers are not supposed to be productive or efficient I know some of

you are very like type-a and you're very organized and you're very detailed and your left brain people or you're married to a guy who's like well we need to start teaching that child discipline and you do but the best way you teach is by modeling it yourself. And if you're losing control all the time because there are Legos on the floor or screaming and yelling, guess what? You're not modeling self-discipline. So chill. I was once doing a phone consultation with a couple and the dad was like really hardcore about like, well, my toddler's got to start doing this. And I was like, I have a challenge for you. I want you to write a job. This was a business guy.

So I said, write the job description of a toddler. Right? Is a toddler supposed to be preparing for life and I'm going to be productive and efficient? No, the job description of a toddler is to explore, to be curious, to make messes, basically to ruin your agenda as a parent. And this is why it's beautiful because when you have little kids, and especially those of you who are first-time parents, I want you to focus more on training yourself in some ways than training your toddler. I want you to train yourself in all the things we talk about,

not reacting, sitting in the midst of the chaos and mess, not being triggered by things, being patient, using the even matter-of-fact voice, leading your kids to calm. Do it now, because as they get older, they'll get even better at pushing all of your buttons. So this is a really cool little shift from like, well, we've got to train them up. We've got to train them, train them, train them. Train yourself, right? And I want you to know because when you're a young parent, you're like, every decision we make right now is going to determine whether this child is successful in life and whether we were good as parents.

And I want you to know with the benefit of me being an older guy, that's just not true. Your kids, your toddlers are going to do hundreds of things that are irritating and wrong and get into things, and that won't make them a sociopath. Relax a little bit and just, like, don't, like, I know some of you, you've got parents, you've got other friends who are like, well, our child is perfect and our child has already started reading at four months and my child is, and I'm like, don't be friends with those people. Find, have your best friend be someone whose child has worse behavior than you.

I'm kind of kidding, but it makes you feel better, right? Because you're talking to your spouse. You're like, well, our child struggles, but theirs is going to jail. So again, just kidding. But do that. Watch the people you surround yourself with and the voices you surround. Well, you need to change them from a young age. They need to obey you and listen to you the first time. We did a whole podcast on why that is such

a fallacy. And if you go with that first time obedience thing with a strong willed child, you will fight with them their entire lives. You will ruin your relationship. Go back and look, I believe it was in February on the myth of first timetime obedience because it is a horrible, horrible expectation of yourself and of your kids. Does that mean I let kids do whatever I want? No, but I want to teach kids how to listen. I want to make things a challenge. And I want to, I'll get into that in a second, but relax with some of this stuff. Enjoy these little kids. Now, here are a couple things you can do. Okay, tantrums. The big thing in toddlers is they're going to throw tantrums. And let's distinguish. A meltdown is when a child has lost it emotionally. There's nothing rational about

that. They just lost it emotionally. A tantrum, though, a tantrum is, I want something. Mommy, give me this. And you say no. And then they start rolling around on the floor and yelling and screaming and saying, I hate you, mommy. That is a tantrum. That is rational. What they're doing, and they do it well in public, is to wear you down so you eventually give in and give them what they want. And that's what all human beings do. Don't get freaked out by it. Tantrums aren't hard to me. We had 1,500 kids in our home. I made sure on the first or second day they came to our little camps, I made sure that they had a tantrum. And all you have to do is say no.

And then it happens. Why? Because I wanted them to know how I was going to respond to it. And my response was this. You can throw a tantrum. I'm perfectly comfortable with your tantrum. I'm going to sit down and watch you throw a tantrum. Because what I want you to know is I'm not moved by it. And watch these phrases. And this is for older kids too.

Your behavior does not change my behavior. Your behavior does not determine my behavior or my reaction. Your mood does not determine my mood. Now, those of you with teenagers, you need to internalize that and work on that. Otherwise, they're just going to push your buttons and manipulate you all day long. And that's your issue. And so I would sit down, and I know this is kind of a funny way to say it, but I did this with our son, to say, look, I have two rules in my home. The first one is we do everything with excellence. If you're going to throw a tantrum, I want it done with excellence. But my second rule is your tantrums accomplish nothing. Your behavior doesn't determine my behavior. It's just a waste of time. So wear yourself out.

Give me the best tantrum you can, but you're not getting those fruit snacks. It's not happening right now. Even matter of fact tone. Drain the energy. There's no lectures. You know what? I do all these things for you guys.

You have all these toys. You have all these. See, when you start trying to convince your child not to have a tantrum, they just got what they wanted, which is the reaction. And they know they're wearing you down. We could probably do a whole podcast on that, but I'm not. So sit in the tantrums until they finally learn it doesn't work. And then I would get up and problem solve and say, hey, if you want to talk to me like this, and if you want to problem solve, and you want to come up with a different plan, I'm good with that. You just need to talk to me and not throw yourself on the

floor. And once you guys do that consistently, the tantrums will begin to stop. But work on that. I have one more thing I wanted to say about toddlers. Picking up toys. Look, I understand what everybody else is going to teach. And I followed all of that. Well, you just need to let them know if they don't pick up their toys by themselves, you're gonna put them in a bag and take them to goodwill or go out and burn them in the backyard. I get that.

But here's what I, I'm trying with the benefit of some age and perspective and wisdom and working with almost a million families to let you know, many of your strong will toddlers are not going to pick up their toys alone. And you go tough. Well, if he doesn't learn, right? This is my guy thing. If he doesn't learn how to pick up toys when he's four by himself, how's he ever going to have a job, right? Because we project into the future and think that's going to happen.

And it doesn't work that way. Now, do I want you to give your kids stuff? No, not of any age. I don't like giving kids stuff. I like them working for it. I like them having ownership. But what I really want is experiences with strong-willed kids, not stuff. They really want your intense emotional engagement. And that's partly what the toddler is looking for. So here's my gut on this one. Most of your strong-willed kids, toddlers, are not picking up their toys. So you know i would do instead of spending like 15 minutes lecturing and being upset about it put on some music get down on the floor and just know you're probably going to pick up more of their legos than they do and just pick it up and bond and sing and dance and pick them up and have fun and be done with it and move on to the next thing well you're just teaching kids that they can get. No, I'm not. It's just you're having fun. You're connecting. You're doing that.

So by the way, if you want to go hardcore with stuff, go hardcore with it. I'm fine with that. Just don't make it personal. Don't take it personally. Don't lecture. Don't use a lot of words and just do what you said you were going to do. But I just encourage you, don't pick all those battles. They're not necessary. Okay, on to elementary school. This one just popped in my head. Your kids, no matter what age, are probably not going to practice their musical instrument or practice at sports. So save your money. Don't pay for expensive lessons. Okay, kids, every day after school, we have to practice for 30 minutes. I'm going to try to make learning as unfun as possible.

Well, they need to learn discipline. I'm just telling you, your kids aren't going to do this stuff. And dad's going to be like, you've got some talent, son. If you would just apply yourself and practice, I'm going to sign you up for plyometrics in sports. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm saying it is what it is with the strong-willed child. And instead of having arguments and fighting with your spouse all the time, look, Casey, here's what these kids do.

They don't like taking directions from other people. They don't like being watched. They will teach themselves. Casey taught himself two things that he is proficient in. He can play guitar. He used to play at blues clubs in Chicago as a teenager. Why? Because I paid for a lot of lessons?

No. He looked them up on YouTube, and he taught himself by watching YouTube videos I took him for three lessons and I found an old guy with a ponytail that was kind of cool and I said look Casey loves blues music teach him the first lesson not how to read music teach him how to play a few chords from stairway to heaven and you will own my son because you have to start by giving successes. If you make it too hard at first, kids will shut down and so will adults. So he started that. You know what else he taught himself? German. Casey is fluent in German. He didn't take one lesson.

He had apps on his phone. So when we used to travel a lot, all of our directions for the thousands of miles that we drove were all in Germany. Listen to German news stations, which was so much fun. And he read children's books in German. He is fluent in it and he taught himself. That is how many of your kids do things. So don't spend a lot of money on instruments and lessons and all those things. Sorry, I'm really just trying to save you some money in fights. Expect misbehavior. People get upset. Well, you can't expect the kids are going to misbehave. Why? They're going to. It is what every human being has done since the beginning of time. And even if you want to look at ancient stories as just literature, as reflecting ancient society of what was going on, Look at some of our ancient texts from what,

4,000, 6,000 years ago about what happened in families, right? One of the first stories about brothers ever recorded was one murdering the other one. And then later on, there were brothers who threw their brother in a pit and left him for dead and had him sold into slavery. It's not like any of this stuff is new.

Many of you who are a little bit older grew up watching Leave it to Beaver. It was a story of a kid who did dumb stuff every day and got in trouble. So I'm not saying excuse it. I'm just normalizing the fact. And I did a podcast on this of some parents who had left five $100 bills up in a cupboard and their 10-year-old son took three of the $100 bills. Stop being shocked about that. I'd be shocked if a child didn't do that. I was more shocked that he didn't take all five $100 bills. Again, I'm not saying it's right, but I'm saying stop being outraged and shocked. I can't believe that what my child would lie.

People have lied since the beginning of time. Lying isn't the issue. It's because they have impulse control issues. They get in trouble and now they don't want the consequences, which is why all of us lie. So when I normalize it, then I don't overreact to it. Because when you overreact to things, you create more lying. Because your kids know they can't come and talk to you because now you're going to overreact and lecture about integrity issues. Now, can we ever trust you again? I did a podcast once on integrity issues and who's, where's the integrity issue? Where's the trust issue? So the one podcast on the lying, it was about lying and spanking. Look that one up. It's fantastic. And the other

was this thought of teenagers of like, well, I can't trust them. And my thought is, well, they can't trust you because every time they come and do tell you the truth, you actually overreact. So here's a cool idea. And I know I'm skipping ahead to older kids. I was on a phone consultation with a couple and I said, here's what I want you to do. Because their kids were lying. And I said, I want you to practice having them come and confess something to you that they had done, misbehaved or done wrong that week. And so it's twofold. They come and confess something, practice confessing to you and telling you the truth

because that's a habit. You practice it. And I want you to practice not overreacting and lecturing and getting all upset about it. So back to these elementary school kids. They're going to misbehave. They're impulsive kids. And that's why I don't want to overreact.

And I want to teach them. So what do we do with those kids? We give them tools so that we create successes. One of two ways to handle misbehavior with children. One is you wait for them to misbehave, you catch them, and then you bark out consequences. If you do that again, you're going to lose X. But it doesn't work with the strong will kids. And all we're teaching them is to do things wrong so they get all of our intensity. And we never really teach and show them how to be successful. So I would rather proactively say, hey, I know you struggle in this area. I know you struggle to get up in the morning

and get ready for school. Sometimes it's an anxiety issue. Sometimes you just don't sleep well, right? Sometimes it'd be a number of different things. But rather than just going hardcore, if you're like, if you don't go to school, you're gonna lose all your things. I give them tools. One of the tools I can give them is, hey, maybe I'm gonna wake them up in a different way

and say, hey, guess what? Guess where I hid your breakfast this morning? Bet you can't find it. It's outside. Well, that's a tool that gets them up because it's kind of fun for a little kid to go and do a treasure hunt in the morning rather than, hey, wake up, wake up. I'm going to stand over you and bark all the five things you don't least want to do early in the morning. And then

you're going to be in trouble when you don't do it. No, I just created a success because I got them out of bed moving, following directions, problem solving. So I really want you to think through that. That's one of the I really want you to think through that. That's one of the reasons I encourage you to go through our programs. It comes on the Easy app is that I can go through literally dozens and dozens, probably hundreds on all the different programs of tools to create successes. And what do you do then? Then you affirm, hey, good job. Hey, I like how you got ready this morning. Do I always like how they get ready? No, because I have control issues and I want them to do a certain way. But if they get ready for school on time

or they do homework in a weird way, then I affirm them, hey, fist bump, nice job. One more for younger kids. When you pick them up from school, many of your kids don't like school. It's hard for them. They're emotionally exhausted at the end of the day. And what do we say? Hey, how was school today? And you may as well say, hey, how was your day at that place where you're on red on the behavior chart, where you struggle

with things, especially like kid with dyslexia, where everything's five times harder for you than everybody else. Hey, how was it at that place where at lunch, you probably sat alone or or recess when all the kids were playing ball games and you can't do it because you're going to change rules the game cheat or quit and you're not good at ball sports and you were left alone hey how was your day there where you feel like a failure well what are they supposed to say so here are a few options and i'll give this for younger kids and older kids. One is pick your kids up and give them complete silence. Do you know how much sensory overload there is at school all day? And so pick them up, and instead of just going in on them right away, respect them and give them some silence.

For some of your kids, give them some earbuds and let them listen to some music or just something they choose. Their whole school day has been out of their control. They've been told what to do hour after hour and put in situations that are uncomfortable and then boring. So give them some downtime.

Let them decompress, right? I know it's your parental anxiety, but I want to know how their day is. I know you do, but you're a grown adult. Stop dumping your anxiety all over your kids and respect the fact that maybe they just need a little bit of space. Here's another one. You could also, for younger kids, do this. Instead, when they get home, do a treasure hunt with them

because who doesn't want, do a treasure hunt with them because who doesn't want to do a treasure hunt? Instead of just like, okay, put your shoes by the door, hang up your jacket. Your kids don't wear jackets, so you don't have to worry about that, do they? In the middle of the winter, strong-willed kids are not going to wear their jackets, so I'm going to save you a power struggle for 18 years. Stop. They're not going to die. I know, but if they don't wear a jacket, they're going to catch a cold. No, they're not. I know, but if they don't wear a jacket, they're going to catch a cold. No, they're not. That's a lie. You don't catch a cold from cold weather. It's from germs. Your kids don't like anything restrictive on them, on their thoughts or on their body. So

chill with that. So when they get home and say like, okay, let's sit down. Let's do homework. No. Younger kids, start with a treasure hunt. Hide something in the backyard, in the basement. You do variations. Hey, mom's coming home from work in a few minutes. Why don't we hide something and have mom find it? Why? Because you give them something. They're in control. You give them a challenge. You give them a chance to problem solve and do something fun. You give them some fresh air. For older kids, one of my favorite things is instead of... See, that as that thing after school is interrogation here's what they hear hey how did you do on that test because I

know you didn't study hey did you turn that assignment in because I know you haven't turned in three assignments this quarter did you turn it in and what they hear is an interrogation it's not what you mean but it's how it comes across because of your anxiety. And so here's a conversation with a middle school kid. Hey, how was school today? Fine. Got any homework? Nope, didn't study at all. And they just lied to you. But in some ways, you kind of created or fostered that lie because you didn't create an open environment. So a cool thing to say is this, hey, something happened to me today at the grocery store, or I'm working on this thing at work, and I'm curious, what would

you do if you were in my situation? Look, I'm not asking them to be the parent. I'm not opening up about my deep, dark secrets and my hidden trauma from childhood or my own triggers. Hey, could you help me with my emotional? I didn't say that. We're not doing that parentification thing. All I'm saying is take the pressure off of them to talk about their day and ask their opinion. It could be about politics, about something they're interested in. It could be anything that they're interested in. Ask them their opinion on that. That may get them to open up. And once they open up, they'll start talking about everything else. Okay, let's move on to middle school. Middle school is tough. If you have a middle school child, especially a middle school age boy, here's probably what he's doing right now while you're

listening to that. Sitting in a hoodie sweatshirt, same hoodie sweatshirt he's had on for 18 straight days, and probably playing video games because that's what middle school age kids do. It is a shutdown phase. They're no longer cute little kids and little kids, but they're also not older kids. They're not teenagers. So they're caught in this hard spot with all the hormones. Look, can you imagine if your kids have social media, and even if they don't, they're exposed to it all. Can you imagine the enormous amount of images and feelings and thoughts that bombard them every minute of the day? It's overwhelming. So key things for middle school. One, normalize it for them. Normalize them that being in middle school is probably the most difficult, hardest part of their entire life. Normalize that for them because all middle school kids are probably confused and it's a weird time of life. So let them know, look, if you feel a

little bit awkward right now and like you don't know what you want to do and things are confusing, good. That's the way you're supposed to feel right now. Because you're not a little kid, but you're also not, you know, you're not 16 or 17. It's supposed to be like this. And what I know is, you're going to be okay. And all your friends feel that way. And even the kids that seem popular, they're just as insecure. There's something about normalizing that lets them know, oh, so there's nothing wrong with me? No, you're awkward. So are your friends. I'm kidding. Don't say it like that. But you can let them know this is hugely important for them. The fact, look, middle school age kids by and large are not usually that motivated. They're not coming home from school,

hey mom, dad, could you give me some extra chores? Teacher, can you give me some extra homework? I want to show you how motivated I am. They're usually not, and you're going to be tempted to project into the future and think, who is going to possibly marry this child? Who would hire this child? Is he going to be living in my basement until she's 27? Stop with the anxiety.

Control your own anxiety and don't project into the future because what happens is then you get on your child relentlessly. You know what? If you would just apply yourself, which is really unmotivating. You know what? I don't know why you do this. Hey, good job with that. But if you would do this and you just pick at them and pick at them and pick at them and they eventually shut down. And if you do it enough, they're going to look at you and say, hey, you need to go back off or in some cases F off. And that is when I start to look internally and say like, okay, something else going on here. I've done that on other podcasts of kids who do say that. I think back in November, I did a really good one on a story of a kid who told his dad to F off.

I would go look that one up. It is so foundational for your kids. Sorry to keep... Look, I'm not sorry. These are free podcasts. And there's wisdom in here that I think can change your relationships. Look, this isn't just about changing home life life it's human beings it's you your spouse your kids your human beings and you can get destroyed and we have a lot of trauma that can

come because of simple things like just getting on a kid until he finally realizes i can never i can never make my parents happy my dad's never pleased with me My dad's never pleased with me. My mom's never happy with me. And you begin to internalize that stuff. So watch projecting into the future. So here's what I do want you to do. And this is kids of all ages, but middle school especially. This coming week for the next two weeks, and this is dads, you need to do this more than anybody else. You find every time a middle school child does something well, you recognize it and say, hey, that was really good thinking. Hey, I like how you did that. Hey, really good thought process there. Hey, thanks for picking that up. It really helped me. Fist bump. Hey, good choice. Shows me you're

growing up. Praise for strong will kids of any age is short and sweet. I'm planting a lot of seeds. I'm not making a big deal. Oh, I just want to really recognize how you, no, that is too much pressure because now they're going to, it feels like, oh, now you're going to expect me to make good choices all the time. And I can't guarantee that. It also sounds condescending. Like we never thought you'd actually make a good choice and you just did. So don't do that. When I praise or affirm a middle school or high school kid in particular, it's always like, hey, I noticed that choice that you made shows me you're growing up. And then I either change the subject or I walk out of the room. I'm planting the seed. I'm not standing there. It gets very, very awkward and it creates this weird pressure. Plant lots of seeds for these

kids. And my final thing for middle school kids, protect your connection with them. This is when it often starts to break down with middle school kids because they get more mouthy, right? They're smarter. They know their triggers even more by now and they get kind of offensive and then that's when some of us right because they've been so difficult their whole lives then we're like I've had enough now you just went too far and we allow them to push us over the edge I'm not look I'm not excusing the fact that they can be defiant and disrespectful. Not at all. But I'm not putting stuff on a four-year-old kid or an 11-year-old kid or a 15-year-old kid. They're kids.

You and I are the grown adults and we need to stop taking everything personally. Look, I'm fitting a lot in here. Here's another one. Well, but we do so much for our kids. That's your issue. That is on you. You determined, you decided to do that. Your kids didn't make you

do that. Now, I'm being a little bit tough on you right now because as long as you keep blaming things, and this is directed at men sometimes, like, well, the kid, he just needs to step up. No, you're the grown adult. You can handle everything at the office and you respect other men who stay calm under pressure, but you can't do it in your own home. You've got to open up to that fact. And moms who've done too much, that's your issue. You did way too much, and a little bit of that is manipulative. Well, if I just do everything for them, then they'll be obligated to do things for us. No, that's not how healthy relationships work.

That's why I really want moms. Listen to the Straight Talk for Stressed Out Moms program because that will help you break some of these patterns of doing everything for everybody else which only leads to resentment and that is something you can break so

keep the connection with these kids bond over things that they're interested in. The hard part is the stuff that they're interested in is stuff that you probably hate. But I'm telling you, you bond over that stuff. Take an interest in their world. You basically, you enter into their world and then you draw them back out. But you can't call from them and demand from them from the sidelines. So a really cool

thing for older kids, the No BS program. Sorry, I don't try to mention all that stuff, but it's so helpful. The No BS program is, if you have, especially if you need to restore a relationship with an older kid, man, you go through this about having to bond with them. You know, one of the coolest things you can do, well, let's go to high school kids, is to have older kids teach you something. That is such a cool bonding thing. So a communication tip, middle school and high school kids. When kids are little, you tend to go to them and you're teaching and showing, and it's a little bit more active. When kids get older, here are two great phrases. Your kids open up, they tell you something.

Instead of going right to lecture 43B about how to choose good friends and how to make good choices, I say, hey, you know what? I've got some thoughts about that. Listen, if you're interested, come grab me later when I'm in the kitchen, or come grab me later. Why? Because I just offered some wisdom, but I didn't dump it on them. And I gave them ownership of when they come to me rather than sit down, son, daughter, let's have a talk. And I'm going to dump this on you. They tend to reject it and strong will kids reject everything you say immediately anyway. So this is a way of saying, hey, I've got some thoughts on that. But look, I've got the patience. I've controlled my anxiety. And I know that when you're ready,

you'll come. What if they don't come and ask you? Then they don't come and ask you. And that might be because one, they're not interested. Two, maybe there is a little bit of a broken relationship and you've talked too much and lectured too much their whole childhood. And you need to rebalance that, restore that a little bit. But do it anyway. The other one is, I used this a lot with Casey when he was a teenager. So he'd say something and I immediately got triggered inside and I was like, oh, I need to teach him. I need to clamp down on this stuff. I need to address that right now. But I know that in the moment when two people are emotional, it doesn't work well.

And strong willed kids, when you directly tell them what to do, their natural instinct is to do the opposite. I am the same way. Even at my age, if you demand that I do something, I will literally just do the opposite. It's why in those Instagram videos, for those who get upset, I wear the Yankees hat. Why? I'm not a Yankees fan. My nephew is, so I kind of wear it for him, but it's really just because it provokes people. People call me, Yankees suck. And then I can have a conversation about whether, right, as of this year, they're actually decent this year, but it provokes people. And so here's what I learned to do with Casey in his teen years is to say, hey, Case, I've heard you.

I've heard you. Here's what I've discovered in life. One thing I've discovered in life is X, that things tend to go better for people when they do it like this. And then I'd walk out of the room. So I was dropping some wisdom on here, but I'm not making it about him. Right. So sometimes here's a cool idea I've done this in phone consultations with parents is younger kids getting them to listen and they're misbehaving they're having some kind of issue you take it out of them we need to sit down have a talk about your behavior when does that ever work you don't like it when your boss does that so I can

oftentimes say hey what do you think your favorite character in this book would do in this situation? See, now I'm getting it out of, you just misbehaved and we need to talk about your behavior. So what are you going to do differently? I made it about a character in their favorite book. So now they have, they can own it themselves. So when I said that to Casey, I was like, hey, Casey, this is what I found in life. So something to consider. And I do it very short, short little wisdom, walk away. Now it puts it in his court and gives the child time to process what I said without requiring an immediate answer with me staring at him. So all these things you can do basically for all ages. So high school kids,

what are high school kids going to do? They come home from school. They're going to open up their refrigerator, stand there letting all your cold air out. And then they're going to grab a snack and they're going to eat the snack and they're going to leave. They're going to leave the wrapper on the kitchen counter, hopefully not on the floor, hopefully on the counter, right? You're gonna, look, I get it. So you can go hardcore with kids. If you're gonna open the refrigerator, I'm gonna charge you money for that. If you can't pick up your things, here's what I can tell you with some perspective. Those kids are gonna do that. When they get their own home, they're not gonna be slobs, I promise you. I don't always read that as disrespect.

Sometimes it is. And then discipline for it and give a consequence. That's fine. But you know what it is? They're dopey teenagers. And their world is in the next 18 seconds. It's what happens with their friends in the next 18 seconds. So he's going to stand at the fridge.

He's going to open that up, put the wrapper. You know what you could do? You could say, hey, thanks for leaving the wrapper on the kitchen counter instead of the floor, right? Like they're going to look at you like you're weird, but it's better than walking around angry all the time. Oh no, they can't do that. Right? Just know one day, I promise you will miss walking by. It's one of the things we missed when Casey left is we missed some of the telltale signs of Casey, which was messes. And today he is, he's kind of like, he's not OCD, but he is very organized in his home. It's just there yesterday. Actually, they're watching hockey the other night.

It's fantastic. It's all organized. It's no big mess. He makes you take shoes off. So chill with that. And the other thing with the teenagers is they're going to come to dinner and stay for like seven minutes. Can I be excused? Right? I'm not saying that's right. And I'm not saying all your kids do that. And then they're going to be like, can I go to my room? Because they want to text with their friends. And then you'll see them again at about 1030 when they come down and drink milk right out of the carton. So you know my thing with teenagers, enjoy the moments that you get. Hey mom, dad, could you drive me here? I didn't always want to drive, but you know what I did? I used it as time in the car. Time in the car is great because you're not staring at your child. You have a great time to talk. And then we go pick up friends.

And I got to know Casey's friends. Use that time. Take advantage of that. So just know that. Let me close up. This is getting a little bit long. But I think this is really helpful. I wish I had known all this before.

So mission and mentor, I don't have time to go through. But I want older kids to have a mission that's larger than themselves and a mentor, another adult who can speak into their lives, who can encourage them and hold them accountable because older kids are not going to listen to their parents, but they will listen to someone else. Here's the one I really wanted to get to. Connection with these kids. Many of you have strong will kids and kids on the spectrum who struggle with homework time. They're going to procrastinate. They're going to wait and do their homework after you go to bed oftentimes, if they do it at all. This is a cool thing to do, especially this

time of year when they're tired. Go to them, and this could be mom or dad. It doesn't matter to me, but go to them and say, hey, listen, I've got this big work project I'm working on and I need to do some extra work. I'm going to go. I'm going to leave tonight after the little kids in bed, right? We put them to bed. But, you know, you have older kids. This is a teenager.

Hey, I'm going to go at like nine o'clock. I'm going to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. I'm going to go to this little sports bar because there's a good game on. And I'm just going to go out there and I'm going to work for a couple hours. If you want, you can go with me. Grab your schoolwork. I've got my work to do. You've got yours to do. We're just going to go and we'll sit there. Go to IHOP. They're open 24 hours. And we're just going to go there and work. And here's why. One is it's a lot better than, you know, why haven't you done your assignments? Oh, you're going to be on, blah, blah, blah. Oh, there's like, they haven't worked for 15 years.

They're not going to work now. I'm inviting my child to go do something interesting and different. Kids like being out later on a school night. It's not like they go to bed before midnight anyway for some of your kids. Well, they can't be out that late. Why? They're out with their mom or their dad. They're in an interesting environment.

It's brain stimulation. Mom or dad is doing their work. So you're not just sitting there like, well, you're going to do something. You're modeling. I work late at night too. When I have extra work, this is how I pound it out. And you get some wings or some fries and stuff, and you're preparing them for late night study sessions when they're in college, but you've bonded. I promise you, if you do this or a late night run to Taco Bell, you will have the best conversations when you're driving back home at 1030 or 1130 because their defenses are down and you've just connected with them and you will find out so much about their lives by doing that. It is so cool. Look, I've got to close it up there. Thank you for listening. Please share this podcast with others. I hope you found it helpful. If we can help you with anything, please let us know.

Reach out to Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. We're extending the Mother's Day sale. My advice would be if you have any of these kids, easiest one is just get everything because then you get all of our wisdom and strategies. Otherwise, look at one of the other packages. If you need help, email Casey. He'll help you out with it. And if you need help financially, just of the other packages. If you need help, email Casey. He'll help you out with it. And if you need help financially, just ask. All right. Love you all. Thanks for being patient with us.