Calm Parenting Podcast - 3 Quick Discipline Tools When Consequences Don’t Work

Episode Date: July 7, 2020

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approach. That's what my dad, my dad was career military. So that's what I grew up thinking, right? It's kind of very punitive approach and it was very fear-based. And so when I became a dad, guess what I did? Same exact thing to Casey. Well, here's what I learned, which is what most of you are learning. Fear and intimidation consequences tend not to work for the strong-willed child. They simply don't care. And it's frustrating for you, right? It's difficult because that's all we've ever been taught and they just don't care, right? And they respond. Those of you that have a compliant child and a strong-willed child, you found this out. Everything that works for the compliant child backfires on the strong-willed

child. It just doesn't work. You can slip a little bit of Benadryl in your child's dinner if he's a compliant child, it'll he's a compliant child. It'll make him fall asleep quickly. Not advocating that, but you know you do it. You do the same thing to the strong-willed child, keeps them up all night. So they're different kids. You have to discipline in a different way. And my guess is you've discovered that, and that's why you're listening to the Calm Parenting Podcast,

because you need help with that. So thank you for joining us. My name is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm. If we can help you, you can reach us. We're at CelebrateCalm.com. Makes it pretty easy. And you can reach out to our strong-willed son, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. If you reach out to him, he will be very kind to you and he will listen to you and he will find out what you're struggling with and give recommendations. And, um, we're, we're all about, we're, we're a family. I would say it all the time. It's not a business. It's a family mission. We love doing this. And so if we can help you in any way, if we can help you,

uh, we'll, we'll get you the right resources within your budget. You just need to be bold and you need to ask and you need to reach out because we can help you and that's what we want to do. So let's talk about discipline a little bit. As we said, I was raised with a my way or highway approach to this discipline. And so I always thought that the real problem in our home was Casey. I thought if he would just toe the line, right, if he'd just shape up, obey when I asked, do what I told him to do, how I told him to do with a good attitude, everything in our home would have been way better, right? And I learned it's kind of an immature approach to life, right? If everybody would just do things the way I want,

I'm awesome, right? Well, that's not the way life works. And so I needed my son to behave precisely because I couldn't behave. I needed him to control himself because I couldn't control myself. And then inadvertently, I was giving control of my own emotions to a child. And that's what you're doing when you get upset and yell. There's no blame. There's no guilt in anything that we do. I'm not doing that. But that's what's happening, right?

And so a couple quick emails, because I think you're going to find this helpful. I got an email from a mom this week. She said, I downloaded your Christmas special because we have a Christmas in July special. Why? Because I feel like doing it that way. It's my business. The prices are actually even lower than we did at our regular December Christmas sale.

Why? Because it's my company. I can do what I want. And I like that. And it's, you know, it's a COVID time. It's really hard for families, both financially and just relationally. And it's a lot of anxiety. And we want to help people. And we thought, let's do it in July. It's kind of fun. And I like fun stuff. And we get to help people. So this mom downloads the program, starts listening. Here's

what she said. I'm a type A mom, right? I know how to get things done. And I'm very orderly. I'm on it. I'm on it. I want my kids to be on it. And what I'm discovering is I have anxiety, right? And my anxiety filters into every single interaction in my life because I don't understand why my kids do things the way that they do. and then I get on them. And the more that I lecture, the more they resist. The more I try to tell them to do things, the more they shut down. And it's really interesting insight. She said, I've realized that I've got this underlying little anxiety. It's very subtle.

She's not like anxious, like she can't get things done. She's highly productive. But she's got these little control issues, this little anxiety, and it bleeds into every interaction in her life. And she's getting the opposite of what she wants. And here's what I loved. She said, I'm 40 years old. For the first time in my life, I finally am starting to feel settled inside. Like I'm not just driven, compelled,

always on edge with things. And for the first time in my life, I can see clearly because usually what happens is I'm reacting to stuff going on inside of me. And then I'm spouting and I'm on my kids and I'm talking like this and I'm never like this. And I'm never really settled. And because I'm trying to satisfy my own anxiety inside, I can't see situations clearly. So while at work, I'm a beast and I get things done, at home, everything's backfiring because it's all driven by my anxiety. And here's the really awesome thing she said. It feels good. I'm 40. I'm finally feeling like I'm finally enjoying my kids.

I'm enjoying my spouse. And I'm enjoying my daily life because I learned after 40 years. And I keep saying that because this is 40 years that she has lived with this, compelling her, controlling her inside. And it's why I love doing what we do because it's not really about kids. The kids are a tool to your transformation. And you learn from your kids what's really going on inside of you. And what she's found is when I control myself and that anxiety and those control issues inside of me, I can see clearly and I can problem solve. And our home is much calmer and we're enjoying each other. And guess what? I'm not having many discipline issues

because I'm realizing I was inadvertently escalating things. And last week we did that podcast. I challenged you. I was like, just learn to calm things down. De-escalate, everything else will flow from there. And this week I promise I'll give you some discipline tools. But this mom figured out, man, I'm different. I got an email from a dad and this is very instructive. Here's what he said. I take everything personally and anytime my kids don't do what I ask them to do, I take it as disrespect. That is such a classic guy thing, right? Because we all want respect.

And the reason we want respect is a good thing, because we have the strong sense of leaving a legacy to our kids. And we have this wisdom that we want to teach our kids because we've lived through things and we know like, I love my kids and I don't want them to fail and struggle and suffer. So I want them to listen so that they can avoid the pain that I've been through. But inadvertently, as men, we sabotage that. Our kids don't listen to us. Interesting what he wrote. At the office, I lead my team calmly. I have earned my team, my team, my employees respect because I stay cool and calm under pressure. But then I realized when I walk through the front door of my home after work, I do the completely opposite thing

with my kids. And I blow up and I'm on edge. I'm always on them. And it's not working. And so he said, I'm now learning. He said, I know how to lead calmly. I do it at the office. So now when I come home, I'm starting to do that with my kids. It was a switch in mindset. He said, I've listened to all your downloads. I listen on my way back and forth from work and when I run. Awesome. But this is interesting. He said, it's not really just the strategies that you give. It's the mindset shift. Because when I shift my mindset, it shifts all my relationships. That's awesome. So let's dig into this. I promised to give you some tools to help with discipline because most of us think it's about giving consequences. Let me be clear because I get this all the time. Why

don't you give consequences? I do give consequences. And you have to give a consequence to set the boundaries and let your kids know what you just did is unacceptable in my home. My consequences are usually severe. I don't play around. But my tone, my attitude, and my words are never harsh. When I deliver consequences, I am always even, dispassionate, in control. But the truth is, consequences don't really work for your kids. You've already taken away everything your child owns, and it doesn't change the behavior. Send them to his room. You know, go to your room. Sit and time out.

Well, why do we do that? Well, so he knows that he did something wrong. But the truth is your child already knows that they did something wrong. They pretty much know that from the age of two or three, right? They already know what they did was wrong and that's why they lie to you, right? I'm not going to do a thing on lying. I've done plenty of that. Just realize lying isn't the real issue, right? The kids lie to you because internally, they already knew. They've got a sense of shame inside. They've got a conscious conscience.

And they know what I did was wrong. And now I'm going to get in trouble for doing something wrong. And so I don't want to get in trouble. I don't want a consequence. So what am I going to do? I'm going to lie. I'm going to make up a story, right? I'm going to blame my sister, right to make up a story, right? I'm going to blame my

sister, right? That's not really about being bad. That's just desperation, right? Think about it. What rational person makes up a bold-faced lie knowing they're going to get caught? A desperate one. A child who feels like he has no other options. Because admitting he disobeyed means he's a failure and he's in trouble. See, and this never works because you haven't gotten to the root of the issue and you haven't given your child tools to succeed. So that's where we want to go with this. Instead of punishing for failure, let's proactively give kids tools to succeed. That's what we do in the classroom with great success.

That's why I want to teach trained teachers and schools and how to do this. And we're doing some professional development via Zoom conferences at back to school time, which is awesome. So if you're interested, see Casey about that. Ask him and look on the website, ask him about the Christmas in July sale. Just reach out to him. We'll help you out with that. So instead, I want to be the one who comes along and says, look, I know you don't want to get in trouble again. I think you're anxious, you're overwhelmed, you're frustrated, something's going on. And I'm not interested in sending you to your room again. What I am interested in is this, giving you some tools

and showing you how to deal with your frustration or your impulse control so you don't yell, lie, steal, or make bad choice next time and lose everything you own. See, when I can do that, instead of being the bad guy that your kids are scared to approach, which results in them lying and hiding things even more, you got to watch that, rigid parents, because your kids never, you're like, well, just tell me. You know what? I just want you to be honest with me. They don't. They don't want to be honest with you because you, is this true? Every time your child's honest with you, you overreact. You get really upset, right? You kind of lose it. And then what they learn is,

I can't trust you. I can't tell you the truth, mom and dad, because you'll overreact. See, instead, I want to become the very person who can help them stop making the very choices that hurt them, right? Then they'll start to seek your wisdom because you're coming alongside to help them rather than facing off against them. Traditional discipline is me against you. You did something wrong and I'm going to give you a consequence. I want to come alongside and say, look, every time you do this, you lose all your stuff. So I want to figure out why you're doing that.

See, it's not this cat and mouse game trying to catch your kids misbehaving. Instead, I want to spend 80% of your energy giving your kids tools to succeed. So here are three quick discipline tools. Number one, draw your child to you. See, what do we usually do? You know, go to your room. Oh, and you know what we're really saying? Son, daughter, at the very moment you're upset and you're frustrated and you don't know what to do, I'm going to send you away from me because I can't handle your emotions, right? Does that make sense? Instead, you want to draw your child to you at the very moment they need you most, right? Discipline isn't something you do to your child. It's something you do for your child,

right? And when you become that trustworthy person that your kids seek out that builds a lifetime of trust and you want your kids saying I can trust my mom and dad enough to tell them anything and you better believe that's really important when your kids get into the middle school and high school years because they're going to go through some stuff and they need some wisdom from someone and you don't want them going to talk to their teenage friends because they have horrible advice. You want them coming to you, right? When they can come to you, that is what you want. That will change behavior more quickly than any consequence. So draw them to you. Invite them into an activity. Hey, I'm going to go for a walk. You want to come join me? Let's go play catch. Hey, can you come help me stir the soup, right? Hey, grab a shovel. I got to dig some holes in the backyard. Why? I don't know. I just need

to dig holes because when we do that, we have great talks. I don't care. Hey, grab the basketball. Let's shoot some hoops. Hey, I was going to color right now. Come grab some crayons. I could use your help coloring this door of the Explorer, this Noah's Ark, whatever it is. Hey, you want to, you know, I was interested in building something. Why don't you grab some Legos and we can build a cool spaceship. Hey, I could really use your help. You're strong and I really need your help because I'm fixing dinner and you've got three brothers and sisters and I need your help. Could you help me carry this from the living room into the kitchen? It doesn't matter. Give them a job to do and draw them to you. Number two, be curious. You know I love the I'm curious tone and phrase. Look, son, daughter, I know that you know what you're doing is wrong and I'm curious

because what you're doing is causing you to lose your privileges. So I'm curious, what's going on inside of you? Right? Like what's compelling you to keep doing something that causes you pain, that hurts you, that causes you to lose everything that you own? Right? Because I'd like to help you figure out a different way to do it next time. See, that leads to introspection and honesty rather than a defensive response. Now I'm going to get to the root of the issue instead of just barking a consequence, right? And you're going to say like, oh, but this takes so much time. I'd rather yell at them and send them to the room. It takes a lot more time because now you and your spouse are in a fight and the child's

upset for hours at a time. It takes much less time to problem solve. And that's number three, problem solve. So then you get to ask, so look, I know that what you're doing, you know, it's wrong. You're losing all your stuff. So what do you think we could do differently now or next time? Right? Like what do you want to do next time you're frustrated? Next time your sister says that to you or looks at you, what could you do differently? See, the ultimate goal is to teach a child how to control himself. I used to say this a lot. The best discipline isn't a parent barking a consequence or punishing.

It's a child who can control himself, right? The best discipline is self-discipline. By the way, that's what your kids learned from Casey's kids program. Our son created a program that he's delivered at school assemblies across the country, 200,000 kids. And it's our most popular CD program that you get with the CDs or the download comes in the special.

And your kids get to hear another kid talking to them about his own struggles and how he learned how to control his impulses. That's pretty cool. I've got a lot of kids, by the way, that go to bed at night listening to Casey's CDs. And it's one of the reasons I'm proud of him is he turned his childhood,

he had a really rough childhood. It was tough and he's turned it in. Now he's helped hundreds of thousands of kids understand themselves, not feel like they're stupid or they're bad kids, but understand how to control their impulses and emotions. It's really awesome. Because discipline means to teach, not to punish, not to coerce, not to demand, but to teach. So come up

with a go-to plan the next time the same situation arises. And I promise you, when you handle tough situations this way, you will have taught your child how to discipline himself and that is priceless reminder the goal is not to get your kids it's not just to get your kids to behave it's to build a relationship so that they follow you and come to you out of a deep sense of respect and trust and that's what you want right and the other thing I would say, remind you of, is that mom who said, oh, 40 years on this earth and finally through parenting, through having a strong-willed child, I've discovered that I have this low level of anxiety that seeps into everything that I do and by controlling my own anxiety, I put out so many emotional fires and I'm finally enjoying my life again. I'm enjoying my kids. I'm

enjoying my spouse. I'm not all over everyone. I'm not trying to control and fix every situation. I have more joy and I'm drawing my kids to me. It's an awesome thing. And that dad who said that I can handle every, I do it right at work. I lead calmly because I know that that works with other human beings. And yet at home, I don't. And now he started to shift. So when he walks home, when he walks through the front doors of his home and he takes a knee, he sits down. When he leads calmly, when he compliments his kids instead of correcting them all the time and he affirms them and he leads them with energy. And when they're upset, he calms them down with his body posture and his voice. That changes things and that changes relationships. And that's what you want

in life. So if we can help you, email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Let us know, ages of your kids, what you're struggling with. We talk about it as a family and we come up with a recommendation for you. We give you ideas and thoughts and strategies and we'll come up with the right resources within your budget. Right now, look for the Christmas in July sale. It is the lowest prices we have ever offered. Why? Because I want to and it's my business and I get to do what I want. I have control issues too. Why do you think I do this? So, and I love it. Follow your passions. We'll do that sometime, right?

Email me, tell me what you want me to address on the podcast and I can do that. I've got some time stuck inside all the time now. Anyway, I'm kidding. Okay, love you guys. You're good mom, good dads. Talk to you soon, bye-bye.