Calm Parenting Podcast - 3 Scripts for Kids Who Hate to Lose, Whine, Or Say “That’s Not Fair!”

Episode Date: March 10, 2022

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So do you have a child who hates to lose, right? Do you have a child maybe who likes to whine or throw tantrums? Do you have a child who has a strong sense of justice and always says that's not fair? Well, good. Maybe you have a child who does all of those things. That would not be abnormal in our world, but I know it's a tough thing. But on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I'm going to give you scripts, three different scripts, things to actually say,

how to say it, what to say in those different situations. So welcome. I'm glad you've joined us. My name is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Because when he was a little kid, he hated to lose. He'd throw tantrums. And he has a very strong sense of justice needed to prove his point. And so it was in working with him and then over a decade, we had 1,500 kids just like this coming to our home. We found some ways to work with these kids, and I hope you find it helpful.

So if you do need help, reach out to Casey. Tell us about your family, what you're struggling with, and we will get together. We talk about it. We reply back personally with some ideas, some strategies. If you need help with any of our programs, Casey can help you out with that. Or just get it right off the website. You can have it instantly downloaded. That's the cool thing about today. You don't have to wait for something to ship and get there in a week. You can get it downloaded literally right after

listening to this. You can have all the tools that we have to begin rebuilding your relationship and handling all these situations. So first situation, you know, before we do that, let me share this. So if you do get our programs download, you'll get this chart that we have with three columns on it. That's really, really helpful. One column is about the need for sensory issues. One is about the need for brain stimulation, which is partly why your kids argue. It's why they do things the hard way. Sometimes they chew on things, they hum, they make noises, they procrastinate, they pick on siblings, they fidget because of that. But the first column we always go through is the kids who have very

busy brains, right? And so you have kids, a lot of your kids have a lot of ideas and it kind of is swimming through their brains very quickly. And so you'll see them often struggle. They're disorganized and forgetful, right? Executive function is inhibited. So you tell them to go to their room, get their shoes and come downstairs. And 45 minutes later, they come down with a really cool Lego project they built, but no shoes. Anxiety comes from this and anxiety is caused by unknowns, things you can't control, and that often results in defiance. Many of these kids have trouble with short-term memory, poor planning, right? And they're always asking like, what's the plan? What's the plan? What are we doing? They like to know what's going on. Slow processors of information. So in school,

you'll see these kids, they'll be taking a test or doing schoolwork and they hear the other classmates turn their sheet over or get up and turn their test into the teacher at the teacher's desk, but they're still working on those. So they begin to internalize, oh, I'm slow. That must mean I'm stupid. So then they'll kind of rush through their work and it looks like, right, that they're just not doing their work right or it looks like they're being careless and sloppy. But what it really is, they're just slower processors of information. The ADHD university program has a lot of ways to improve your child's processing speed. Working with how their brain works naturally, not against it, right? And so this this busy brain feeling out of control, that's why your kids are controlling and bossy

at times. That's why they cheat. They can't play board games because they will cheat, they will change the rules of the game, or they'll quit. And all those things are ways of eliminating the unknowns. Because if I cheat, I guarantee the outcome of the game and I win. Because I need order and if I lose, it makes me a loser and that's why they do it. And so you have kids who eat the same food, chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, whatever it

is, simple carbs often, wear the same clothes, right, all the time because they're eliminating unknowns, enforcing justice. That's not fair. I have to prove my point. I'm going to deal with that one in a couple minutes. Difficulty organizing thoughts and writing process is very hard. Difficulty with transitions. That's why disappointment is so hard. We'll deal with that. And then meltdowns over little things. So let's attack three of these in today's podcast. So here's a question. My son can't lose. He makes it miserable to play games with him. What should I do? And my honest answer is that sometimes it simply isn't worth it to play games at this point because your child's too young. He's too immature and he hasn't learned

how to handle losing. So why put yourself in that position? Wait until he matures enough. Or you could play if you're willing to go through the pain of this and teach him slowly right through this process. And if you want to, here's how I would set and have set expectations with the kids who came to our home. Okay, before we play, I want you to know this. You may lose and you may win this time, but I know that you will definitely lose at some point, and that does not make you a loser. It just means you lost that particular game. I'm not going to baby you. I'm not going to let you win. If you want me to respect you and give you more privileges as you get older,

then you got to step up and you got to start acting in a more mature way. And that means being able to lose and lose well. Otherwise, I simply will not play with you. But if you're willing to work at this, I'll help you. See, that's fair to me. You're not saying, see, here's what you're not saying. You know what? It's no fun playing with you. You always cheat and you quit and you're not a good loser. And if you can't be a good sportsman in life and show good sportsmanship,

nobody's going to want to play with you. So don't go into all of that. There's no need for you to whine about that. You're simply laying out the truth of the situation. You're going to lose sometimes. Doesn't make you a loser. Just means you lost. I'm not going to baby you. Not going to let you win. If you want to play like that, those are my rules. That's how I roll. See, that's self respect. That's honesty. And then the child has a choice to make. Because then if he chooses to play and he loses, right, you laid it out clearly beforehand. And so that's what I would do. We used to help kids. We had all these kids in our home, almost all of them cheated or just felt like they cut in line.

And if we were playing kickball or something out in the backyard, they'd always cheat. He didn't tag me. He didn't. I was like, I have you on camera, dude. He tagged you so hard you fell down, right? And so there was something else going on inside that they couldn't admit it. And I remember this one kid, he played soccer. And he's like, I want to be a goalie.

And I said, OK. But every time you get scored on, you get really upset. And you kind of throw a tantrum. And it makes you look weak in front of the other kids and the other team and you can't let them see you sweat. So if you're willing, I will teach you how to deal with this. So he said, I want to give it a shot. So he walked up to this field where they had a soccer net up and I put him in goal and I said, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to shoot on you. And I began shooting on him and I scored relentlessly, one goal after another, again and again and again and again. And he's getting really frustrated. That's not fair. You're bigger than me. All right, you're going to get scored on in a game. So here's what I want

you to do. When that ball goes by you, because it's going to go by you. I want you to turn around. And if you want to mutter underneath your breath right then, good, do it. But as soon as you bend over and pick up that ball and turn around, your face is stone. You're not affected because you're not going to let the other team see you sweat. You're going to roll that ball back respectfully to the official and then you're going to get back in it and you're going to realize, what'd you do wrong? Did you do anything wrong? What are you going to do differently next time?

And so I would practice. I'd physically practice shooting on him so he would miss the ball and so he would lose, so to speak. I played board games with kids and I taught them, look, we're playing Monopoly. Who has more money?

You do. Well, why is that? Oh, because you cheat. No, I'm not cheating. I just have more money than you. I've got a lot of experience at this game. And I'm now winning. So what does that mean?

Oh, it means I'm losing. And I would play with them and stick with it until they could look at me and say, hey, good game. You won. I lost. Right? So you've got to teach them, but it takes some patience. How about a kid, number two script, kids whining, complaining about some simple task that I know my

daughter can do herself. Look, you're not obligated to drop everything for your kids. You're not obligated to respond sweetly all the time. In fact, I don't really like the sweet tone with a strong-willed child because they don't respect it. It sounds condescending to them, right? Everything doesn't have to end with like everything's all better. Sometimes kids have to learn to live with disappointment, right? So always use that emotionless matter-of-fact tone. See, this tone demonstrates I'm not moved by this. I can handle tough things. I'm not going to react. I'm not going to take it personally.

I'm not going to beg, bribe. I'm not going to guilt trip you. I'm an objective observer of the situation, and I'm here to provide you context, wisdom, and tools, but I'm not here to fix everything for you. So when your daughter says, Ma, I need help with this. I have to do this.

Hey, honey, I'm working on something now, but I know you're capable of doing that. And then maybe I give her a couple specific short tasks that she can complete by herself. So you're not whining back. You're not pleading. Honey, I know that you can do that. See, we're trying to get your daughter to say, oh, mom, right. I just realized I am capable of that. Like this is not going to happen. So I let her know, hey, I know you're capable of doing that, but then I move on and do something of my own, but I'm not going to try to convince my daughter or my son to do these things. You're letting her know these are two things she can do and you're giving her something she is in control of, but you don't have

to jump in and fix it for your kids all the time right like so here's slightly different a child's whining throwing a tantrum because you didn't give them fruit snacks or a video game and here's my script hey look look the reason we do scripts is because in the first days of celebrate calm I got all these parenting newsletters and listen to people are like oh you need to stay calm you need. You need to calm your kids down. I was like, how? Tell us how.

And nobody ever, they just threw out vague things. So I determined I'm going to come up with very, very specific action steps, like sitting down in the middle of the living room and scripts so you know what to say. And so if you get our materials, those downloads, it's dozens and dozens of practical scripts and action steps, right? And some of them were a little bit weird, but they work. Hey, son, listen, you can whine. You can throw a tantrum if you want. But I want you to always know one thing.

It will never, ever, ever work with me. Not going to work in public. Not going to work when I'm tired. Not when I'm fighting with your dad, right? Just kidding on that. Don't say that one. But your kids do know that when you're in a fight with your spouse, they know that you're weak and so they play you off against each other. And all that means is you need to work on your relationship with your spouse. Look, it's not going to work in public. Not going to work when I'm tired. It's just never going to work. Here's

some great language. Look, your behavior does not control or determine my behavior. Your attitude does not determine mine. I'm glad to help, but I'm not going to do it for you. And if you're willing to talk to me like an adult, then I'll treat you like one. See, I can use that from a child when they're age two and they're just wailing away on the floor. And I say, look, your behavior doesn't determine my behavior. You can whine, you can complain, you canailing away on the floor. And I say, look, your behavior doesn't determine my behavior. You can whine, you can complain, you can throw yourself on the floor. It's just not going to work. And I don't care if you do it in aisle three in Target.

This is not going to work with me. You want to act like an adult, like a grown-up and problem solve? Oh, I'm all over that. It also works for a 14-year-old. Look, you can have attitude toward me. I'm not going to react to it. It's not going to change my day, right? So every time you roll your eyes and talk back to me, what it tells me is you're just immature in how you're dealing with this because you're kind of acting like a three-year-old.

And that makes me sad for you because I want you to have privileges that a teenager gets, but you're not acting like one. And so I'm calling you to step up, right? But I'm not going to react. I'm not going to take it personally. I'm just going to talk to you like an adult and I'm going to treat you like one if you act like one. Does that make sense? It's kind of cool.

Now, here's a good one. We could do a lot more on this, but I'm trying to keep this short. So you've got a child who's got this high sense of order and justice, wants to prove his point. Or maybe you're married to someone like this. And if you are, good luck. But you need to tell that spouse. I'm just making this personal most men that I know struggle with proving their point and what I tell them is it just makes you a

jerk and if you really want a good relationship with your spouse and for it to actually listen and respect you stop proving your point right so the reason kids want to do this and why it relates to that first column is because it's all about order. Because this isn't right, and it needs to be right, and it's providing, it's like putting a bow on the box. It's tying, it's closing the loop. It's tying it all together so you have order. Because when there's injustice, oh, it just hurts inside for these kids. So here are three different responses I used with my son and different kids. Now, this is kind of a funny one. Don't always use this, but sometimes when Casey, I could tell he just wanted to argue and prove his point. I'll be like, you know what, Casey? You're absolutely right. And then I'd walk away or I'd

say, you know what, Casey? I never thought about it that way. It's a good way to think. And then I'd walk away. Now he wanted to argue, but I wasn't going to get in the courtroom with him. We had this phrase with the kids we worked with in our home and all of them knew it. Relationships are more important than being right. You improve your point all day, but all that it usually makes you is kind of a jerk, right? No one's gonna say like, man I just love that I know someone who's right all the time. Like nobody likes that person, So relationships are more important. But here's the one I would encourage you to use sometimes

with the more strong-willed child who's just kind of wound up and feels that injustice. Look at them and validate it. You know what? You make a good, valid point. You know what? You're a really good thinker. You've got a reason to be upset

and a reason to feel injustice. So what do you want to do about that? Right? You can add to this, depending on the situation. Look, what you're demanding of me, it's not going to work. So don't do demanding. But if you want to complain, if you want to be upset a little bit and rant about this and get your frustration out, I will give you seven minutes,

right? Seven minutes and you can just go at it and tell me everything that's wrong. You tell me everything that's wrong about me. I can take it. Everything that you don't like about this situation. But after seven minutes is up, then we go right to problem solving, right? Do this thing after school. Some of you have kids who come home and they're just frustrated and they didn't like school and something's wrong. And I know it's hard to hear, but sometimes you just say, hey, we're going to have a new thing. When I pick you up from school or when you walk in the door, I will give you three minutes, six minutes, seven minutes, whatever it is, to just tell me everything you don't like about your teacher, the classmate, the school system, whatever it is you want.

Get it off your chest. Get it out there. I will listen. I will affirm you. But after seven minutes, we go right to problem solving. I'm going to ask you, so what are we going to do about that? Right? So let's try that this week. Let me know how it goes. If you need additional help, reach out to us. We do a lot of these things in phone consultations with me or I would just get either the Calm Parenting Package or better yet, just get everything because then you have everything that we've ever created

and you get it right downloaded to your phone, your spouse's phone, your parents. You can share it with teachers, anybody that'll help to share with. Anyway, hey, love you all. Thank you for listening and sharing the podcast and we'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.