Calm Parenting Podcast - 3 Specific Ways to Help Kids In School

Episode Date: January 16, 2024

3 Specific Ways to Help Kids In School Kirk begins this podcast with a fantastic way to change a child’s behavior in class without crushing his spirit, then gives you a template with three specific ways to collaborate with your child’s teacher to create successes and build confidence. And now Kirk can conduct virtual teacher in-service training for your school's teachers. Learn more at https://celebratecalm.com/book-events/ or email [e-mail].  Go to https://www.HelloFresh.com/calmfree and use code calmfree for FREE breakfast for life! One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey moms and dads, you know that our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn, and iXL makes that so much easier. iXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum from K-12. iXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn. No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way your kids learn best while meeting them at their level. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. Kids love IXL's positive feedback and parents love knowing specific skills that need work.

Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash k Kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine,

no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. Parenting a strong-willed child is really difficult. And you know that. That's why you're listening to this podcast. You know what's even harder? Teaching a strong-willed child,

right? Imagine you're a teacher and you've got three or five strong-willed kids in your classroom, and maybe throw on top of that kids with some learning differences, some learning disabilities, kids on the spectrum. That's hard, hard right it's hard enough at home getting your child to follow like one or two simple directions but imagine having to teach them all day long for like six hours and how to do that so I have a lot of compassion for teachers I know some of us have had some really bad experiences with teachers who crushed our child's spirit we had that with Casey we actually had to pull him out of a school because it had gotten so bad. It's not that Casey was innocent in all of it, but he was a kid. They were supposed to be grown professionals, but they just didn't have tools.

But for the most part, I've trained a few hundred thousand teachers in person for the past couple decades. And what I usually find is these are people who love kids and they really want to help. They just don't have the tools. I have so many teachers come up and say, I just didn't know this stuff. I didn't realize this is the way their brains worked or their heart worked. And these are teachers who go home at night and they agonize over this because they really want to help. They just don't know how. And that's no different than us as parents, right? How many of us as parents have done things the wrong way for our kids? And we thought, well, this is the way I was raised. This is the right way. And then you find out, oh my gosh, I just ended up messing that up big time. But our hearts were in the right place.

We just didn't have the tools. So I want to try to give you some tools. So for those who don't know, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at Celebrate Calm. If you need anything, reach out to our son, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Definitely a strong-willed kid who struggled in school and he'll help you out. Just tell us what you're struggling with. We'll email back personally and we can help you with this stuff. So I'm going to make this short and give you some very practical tools. But I was thinking about, say, think about this dilemma for a teacher. So I'm teaching, now we're teaching, we're doing math, but I look over at this kid, and his name is, we'll call him Jeremy, and he's sitting in my reading a book, but we're in math class, right? And so he's not following directions. And so

what do we do in that situation? And the normal response from a teacher is going to be, Jeremy, Jeremy, put away the book. Put away the book. It's not reading time anymore. It's math class. And then Jeremy hesitates. Like, you know this because your kids do this at home too. And now the tone of voice gets a little sharper. Jeremy, Jeremy, if you can't follow directions in my class, you are going to end up losing fill in the blank, recess, class field trip, whatever it is. And now it becomes this face off. And now we're kind of declaring power struggle. And my tone gets negative. I don't know how many times I have to tell you, they do the same thing we do as parents. And what happens to the child?

Jeremy will put away his book, but inside his heart, here's what's just developed. This defensive posture that says, this teacher doesn't understand me. This teacher, this person, this human does not like me. They don't like me. And how many of your kids have come home from school, the first day of me, they don't like me. And how many of your kids have come home from school the first day of school, teacher doesn't like me. Some of them are super

sensitive, but some of them actually pick up on the real vibe, which is the teacher doesn't like them. And it becomes negative. And what happens in their heart? They begin to shut down. And then that's when the real defiance does start because inside the child's heart comes this little feeling of, you know what? Screw you. Screw you. You don't like me. So you already think I'm a bad kid.

So guess what? I'm just going to double down. I'll just become the bad kid. What are you going to do to me? I don't really care about your consequences. Same thing happens at school that happens at home. And so what I try to give teachers is in alternatives, some different scripts to use. Because when the teacher said this, Jeremy, you need to put away

your book. If you can't put away your book, you're not following directions, you're going to lose recess. She didn't do anything wrong, but it just doesn't work. But imagine that this teacher looked down at Jeremy and said, Jeremy, you know what I love about you? And she says this in front of the whole class because, look, we're used to correcting kids in front of their siblings, in front of the whole class. So we may as well make this public and do it in a good way, in a positive way. Jeremy, you know what I love about you? You love to read. You know what I know about people who read?

They're curious people. They love to learn. And they're the brightest people in the world. Reading opens up new worlds to you. I love that you want to read. Look, it's math class right now, so I need you to put away your book. But, and notice how you say that. See, there was no negativity in there, just a statement of fact. It's math class. You need to put away your book. But, and here are a couple options. Hey, after class, I want to know what you're reading, because I can tell you're really into it. Guess what? I love to read too. And sometimes at night when I'm supposed to be eating or going to sleep or doing something

else, I just get absorbed into my book. So I want to know what you're reading. See, now I've just bonded with the child over something that's really positive reading instead of just creating a power struggle over it. The other options say, hey, you know what, Jeremy, look, after we come in from recess or after lunch, if you want, I will give you two minutes in front of class to share what you're reading about because I would love for all the other kids in class to be as curious as you are. Think what that does to this child's psyche and the relationship between the teacher and the child, because now I've just acknowledged what you're doing is a really good thing, and I want to encourage it. It's just not the right time for it. And I pointed out the positive traits. You're curious. You love to learn.

It's a sign of really bright people with good imaginations See that will get the child to put his book away But now he feels good about himself and I guarantee you in math class He's more he's going to be more ready more willing to learn and when that teacher Asked him or her whatever your child is to to do things Your kids are going to be more likely to do that. It's no different than at home. When I connect with a child, because, right, it is relationships and connection that change behavior, not consequences. So here's an idea for you, because I get this a lot of like, how can we, you know, how can we get through to the teacher

to help our son or daughter in the right way? And so here's a sample email I may send to my child's teacher and it sounds like this. Hey, dear Mrs. Henderson, I appreciate how challenging it can be to teach kids like Beckham. You and I share the same goal, to ensure that Beckham is a curious student who loves to learn. By the way, that is my goal. I don't really care about getting all A's and all B's. I don't want to put on this pressure of like, you have to do your best at everything because nobody does their best at everything, including you. We do our best at the right things, but not everything. But my goal is to raise a curious kid who loves to learn. We've discovered that Beckham doesn't respond well to consequences or timeouts. He tends to shut down when he's overwhelmed or when

things get negative, and he struggles when it feels like no one likes him. So our typical discipline tools are not working at home either. See, there's a good acknowledgement there of like, look, we're struggling. You're struggling. But here are some things we've learned. So, Mrs. Henderson, could we try something different for the next two weeks and see if we can make progress? I like that phrasing it that way a lot. Can we try something different? It's not you're doing it wrong and unless you change. I'm not demanding. I'm asking. Can we try something different for the next two weeks? That's a defined period of time. That seems reasonable to me of, hey, we've been doing it at home and at school

this way since the beginning of school year. We now have four months of evidence to recognize that what we're doing isn't working. So could we try some different things for the next two weeks and see if we can make progress? And I like that phrasing as well, because we're not saying, see if we can get Beckham to stop misbehaving perfectly every day so he's on green. Not asking. I just want progress. So could we give Beckham tools to succeed, affirm him for positive choices, and build his confidence? Here are some examples of tools that I think will help. And see, now I'm going to give some teachers, instead of saying, you know what, could you just do it differently?

It's not working. It's ruining his confidence. He doesn't like school. Just do it differently. I'm not leaving the teacher alone here. I'm saying, here are some very specific concrete tools. Not being demeaning here either. It's what I encourage you to do. Moms to

do with husbands. Just saying, we need to change our entire parenting paradigm. I'm out. It's too big for me as a guy. But if you give me something specific to try for the next two weeks and I can try that and then I can measure that and see if it works. Oh, I like that. So here are three examples you could give your child's teacher. Here's one. Could you give Beckham a job to do every morning? It's doing something he's good at doing that makes him feel helpful and needed because that will build his confidence and it also helps with anxiety. And even saying to him, Beckham, I could really use your help moving those heavy books from the back of the room to my desk. See, that's a very specific thing that would actually

work really well with our kids because waking them up in the morning, if they know they have a specific job to do, the specificity counters anxiety. Giving them something they're good at doing is a change because many of your kids just aren't good at doing school, not good at sitting all day, listening to someone talk, recalling information for a time test. It's not one of their strengths. So the first thing I do as a teacher actually in my classroom would be that child who is most challenging, I'm going to find what he's naturally or what she is naturally good at doing. And then I'm going to give them a job in that area. Why? Because now I'm just creating a success, right? That's perfect. Greatest success, build confidence. And now I get to say,

hey, nice job, Beckham. That is really helpful. So number two example, hey, let's try this, Mrs. Henderson. Make things a challenge for Beckham. He tends to like that. And sometimes for some of your kids, they get bored, right? And then they just shut down and they get in trouble because when your kids get bored, because some of your kids have very quick minds and they'll get stuff very quickly. Well, they're not going to sit there with their hands folded in their lap or on their desk waiting for everybody to catch up. They're going to get up and go around and talk to other people. And then guess what happens? Beckham, you need to sit down. Beckham, stop doing that. Beckham, stop, stop, stop. Instead,

so Mrs. Henderson, could you do this? Hey Beckham, the other kids are adding two digit numbers. Think you can add three digit numbers? And now I just gave him a challenge to do something and by the way parents I would encourage you take in a worksheet that you created that has three digit addition in it or whatever it is don't expect the teacher to have to create all this new stuff you do that for him or her right and that's a nice thing of like, hey, I'll bring in some different worksheets. I've noticed at home, Beckham really loves doing X. He loves doing these crossword puzzles and different games. Could I bring in a couple worksheets so when he's done with his regular work, could you challenge him to do that? And even telling the teacher, say this, Beckham, bet you can't do X. Because you know what's implied in that? I actually believe you can do that. And I'm expecting more of you,

but I'm expecting more of you in a way that is reasonable than that I think you can actually do so you feel good about yourself. And then the third piece of advice that I would give Mrs. Henderson, the teacher, is for the next two weeks, could you affirm him every time he makes a good choice? Because this will counterbalance the negatives. Catch him doing things well. Hey, that was a really good choice, Beck. I'm proud of you. It's like sowing lots of seeds, short and sweet. And so now watch. I've just given the teacher three specific ideas. Okay. Now as a teacher, I've got a lot going on. I've got 25 kids in my class and I can't do this for every one of them.

But this mom and dad came to me and said, hey, here are three things. So that next day after I get this note, I'm like, Beckham, you know what? I could really use your help. By the way, your kids love that phrase. They love helping other adults, just not you as the parents. And so take advantage of that. Beckham, I could really use your help with this. Now I created a success. I gave him a very specific job doing something he's good at doing. That builds confidence. So now when I ask him to do something that's difficult for him, like a writing assignment, well now he's

doing it from a place of confidence and competence. After he that job I get to say man that was a really good job thank you so I just started the day within the first two minutes of this kid walking into my class I created connection I created a success and I praised him for something and now while he's doing his work I can say I can give him a challenge I can make it a little bit more difficult again that's believing in him. And then I can end my note by saying, we're going to begin doing this at home as well. Again, can we try this for two weeks and see if we make some progress? We appreciate all that you do.

I love that. I think that that's a great format to use because you're not mentioning five things. You're also not sending in, we just recently had testing done on our son and we'd like to send you the 38 page report teacher doesn't have time to read all of that and by the way they don't need the report anyway what they're really looking for is okay what's actionable what can I do differently so here are a couple things that I do encourage you to do. Write those notes. Make it specific. I've had parents actually email me and say, hey, can you take a look at this and see if this is appropriate? And I will do that for people. I would, if you have it, listen to the ADHD University program because we give you dozens of examples of very practical

scripts you can give teachers to use. And if you actually have that program in the Calm Parenting Package, email us and give us the teacher's email address. We can share that and you can share that directly with your child's teacher so they get to understand the child's brain. It's an awesome, awesome thing. And it's a fantastic program for your kids. If you want us to train your child's teachers and the school, we now have a new option. We always put this in up to schools reaching out to us, but now without traveling so much. And look, the truth is for me to train a school's teachers and I have to travel there costs a lot of money. And professional development training, usually if you ask a school, is going to be anywhere between $2,500, $3,500, $5,000, $7,500 to train all the school's teachers.

I can do it right online via Zoom. And teachers love our training because it's really practical. And we give them scripts to use, and if you're, look, it's hard to convince a school, hey, this guy's really great, you should pay him $3,500 to come to your school. That's a hard sell, right? Now, we've done it hundreds of times throughout, but we just create an option to make it easy, which is you can go on and buy that, purchase that for your school. And you can do that. It's $750. That's, that's, look, I'm just being honest with this stuff. Casey and I talk about this and we're like, okay, how low can we go where it's still right? If you go too low, then in some ways, look, it's not a

pride thing, but it's like man you I want people to value it right but I don't want to make it so expensive and at this point in my life I charge a lot because I'm really good at this and I'm older and so I can and I and my and I value my time and expertise in that way but we came up we were like well five hundred dollars that that's not value enough especially when this training is worth a few thousand dollars. But $1,000, maybe that's a lot of money to ask a parent or even nowadays sometimes a school with stretched budget to do it. So I thought, you know, it's $750 to train 15, 20, 30, 50, 100. I don't care how many teachers it is.

That number of teachers, right, that's a really good price, and so I will feel, look again, I'm just being honest with this, I will feel good about it, I'm like, you know what, that's worth it to me, that's compensating me for my time, for my expertise, for the energy I put into this, because it'll be a 60 minute, 90 minute training. We could do two hours, but I found with teachers, 75 to 90 minutes of me, there's boom, boom, boom. I get a lot done then. And it's valuable. All the school's teachers will have all of this information and insight, and it's still affordable. So if you go onto the website at celebrate calm.com and you look up, um, it'll say, um, book live training, click on that tab and you can book

a parenting event if you want. But I I'm focusing that on some of the teachers. You can actually go there and just book it right now. And then what will happen is we will coordinate with the school to schedule a professional development training via zoom and we'll do it around their schedule and if the principal says hey we want to do it on uh the second tuesday and in april at 3 p.m our time after the teachers get out of school i'm like boom done we'll make that work and then they their their teachers have all of this insight into your kids and these strategies. And it's a really nice gift to give a school.

So if your school wants to do it directly, then send it to them and they can do it. But anyway, it's an option for you. So listen, thank you for listening. Thanks for sharing this podcast. I'm going to continue to keep doing some podcasts specifically for teachers and classroom situations. And we have some of those already in our catalog. So feel free to share those. But again, if you need anything, reach out to Casey.

C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. We want to help your family. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.