Calm Parenting Podcast - 3 Ways to Break Childhood Patterns & Reparent Yourself #456

Episode Date: March 9, 2025

3 Ways to Break Childhood Patterns & Reparent Yourself #456 "I hadn’t realized the degree to which so many of my adult choices—my spouse, my career, my friendships, my daily life—have been dictated by the patterns I learned as a child." Kirk gives you scripts and practical action steps to heal those childhood wounds, reparent yourself, and break those old patterns. Take advantage of the Black Friday Sale in March at https://celebratecalm.com/black-friday/ We are extending our Black Friday in March Sale for one week on the Get Everything Package. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/black-friday/ to get the lowest prices of the year and hundreds of practical strategies that really work with your strong-willed kids. AG1 AG1 is offering new subscribers a FREE $76 gift when you sign up. You’ll get a Welcome Kit, a bottle of D3 & K2 AND 5 free travel packs in your first box. Go to https://drinkag1.com/calm HAPPY MAMMOTH Get 15% off on your entire first order at https://HappyMammoth.com with the code CALM at checkout.  ONE SKIN Go to https://oneskin.co and use code KIRK at checkout for an exclusive 15% off your first purchase. COZY EARTH Wrap yourself and your kids in Cozy Earth luxury…with 40% OFF! Visit https://cozyearth.com/ and use my exclusive 40% off code CALM.  HUNGRYROOT Get 40% off your first box PLUS get a free item in every box for life. Go to https://hungryroot.com/ and use code CALM. IXL LEARNING Get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at https://IXL.com/KIRK. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Does your child need help with a particular subject in school? I encourage you to check out IXL.com slash Kirk. Do you have a child who is bored and wants to work ahead? IXL gives you that flexibility. IXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K through 12. What I personally like about IXL is that your child can explore any topic in any grade level. And no matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, iXcel has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way they learn best. So

whether your child needs extra help with a class, wants to work ahead, or if you're homeschool, iXcel provides the positive feedback our kids crave. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get iXL now. Calm parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an iXL membership when you sign up today at iXL.com slash Kirk. Visit iXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. I have to share a funny story. So I go to my wellness exam with a new doctor and she says, you have such beautiful skin, which guys aren't used to hearing and I couldn't help blurting out.

You need to try one skin at oneskin.co and use code Kirk for 15% off your first order. I told her Mrs. Coleman and I both use Oneskin because the changing seasons can cause your skin to feel irritated and tight. Oneskin's OS1 peptide helps calm your skin and reverse the signs of cellular aging. It's the first ingredient proven to help skin look, feel, and behave like its younger self. Plus, it's easy to use. It makes my skin feel healthy and moisturized. Invest in the health and longevity of your skin with OneSkin. Your future self will thank you. Get 15% off with code Kirk at one skin dot co that's 15% off at one skin dot co with code Kirk and please let one skin know that we sent you So I hope you can relate to this email, which is the inspiration for this podcast a mom wrote

I've been working through the 30 days to calm program making good progress controlling my perino anxiety practicing in perfection program, making good progress, controlling my perennial anxiety, practicing imperfection, demonstrating self-respect, making myself a priority so that I don't end up resentful like my mom, recognizing my own control issues and sitting in my discomfort while purposefully not trying to fix situations and my kids. And by the way, that's a lot of work, so kudos to you. But she goes on and says, but then I hit the section on healing childhood wounds and I just bawled. I hadn't realized the degree to which so many of my adult choices, my husband, my career,

my friendships, my daily life have been dictated by the patterns I learned as a child. We are now breaking those patterns and re-parenting ourselves, learning new skills and giving our kids things we never got as kids. And I have to say, I am proud of what we are doing here. Darn right. Look, I am super proud of you, moms and dads. This is hard work. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

You can find us and our Black Friday and March sale at CelebrateCalm.com. I used to scoff at thinking childhood wounds and patterns played a part in our behavior, partly because I'm just a guy. That's what we do. We scoff at stuff. Until I got a little older and realized what a huge role these patterns play.

And this is not about blaming our parents. They had their own wounds. It's not about making excuses for our behavior. It is a simple acknowledgement of this. When we're little kids, we are hyper aware of everything going on around us because that helps keep us safe and get our needs met. We pay very close attention to the emotional experiences of others and then we react accordingly. And we all have a need for acceptance, belonging, safety, trust, to feel worthy and seen,

to feel heard like many of you were not as kids, to feel like we matter, to feel loved. And we adapt to the circumstances of our home and oftentimes sacrifice our individuality or change who we are sacrifice our individuality or change who we are in order to get that acceptance and love. And those responses become patterns that just get instilled in us and carry on through our adult lives until we recognize them and then deal with them. And these behaviors and thought patterns can serve us well as kids. They did, they kept us safe, we got our needs met. And they can even serve us well as adults.

Those of you who were in a really chaotic environment as kids and you had to step in and kind of control things, well guess what? You became a really conscientious adult and that serves you well in a lot of jobs, most jobs. But these same patterns ultimately sabotage our relationships. So these traits, think about these, this, these traits you learn as a kid are likely correlated with your gifts because you practice these new skills throughout your whole childhood, you

mastered them, you became very good at this, but then you unconsciously choose partners, friendships, and jobs where you find yourself back in a role that is very familiar. So here are some examples you may have experienced. So you've got an angry or critical parent, so you learn early on if you are obedient, the good boy or good girl, and clean your room and get good grades, that parent will accept you and give you positive attention.

Perhaps you became a perfectionist. Well, that ensured that you didn't get in trouble and even got positive attention and acceptance. And then you grew up to be super conscientious and reliable, which employers value and often take advantage of. But then you get resentful because you do too much around the house and no one else helps.

Although that might be because they can't do it to your satisfaction. You're always doing more and you can't relax and really enjoy the kids. The messes trigger you and the very thing that kept you safe as a kid is backfiring on you now. Maybe you grew up in a home with a lot of chaos or with a parent who is an alcoholic. So you learn to be a caretaker for that parent. After all, why wouldn't you? And then you find yourself as an adult feeling compelled to look after everyone's needs, to manage the emotional temperature of the home. You're the

stable one, the one everyone can count on to fix everything and soothe everyone's emotions. But the problem is no one is there for you. You get taken for granted. You discover that you've married a man whose emotions you have to manage just like you did with your own dad or mom. You discover that your friends only really call you when they need help and want to dump on you. And only afterwards do they kind of casually ask about you, but then they're right back to talking about themselves.

And I find this a lot with nurses, with teachers, with social workers who are amazing at taking care of everyone else, but not themselves. A lot of women get stuck in this caretaker role, marrying someone who needs to be fixed, just like your parents. See how that works? Or maybe you had that martyr mother who did everything for everybody else, but became resentful when none of her needs were met. We want to break those patterns. Maybe you grew up in a home in which a parent was verbally or physically abusive so you learned to walk on eggshells and not speak up so your mom and dad didn't get angry at you or even hit you. You learned to keep the

peace at all costs. Some of you are still doing that now because you married someone just like that parent. Why? Because you were intimately familiar with managing other people's emotions. So it was familiar to you and you were good at it and you don't know how to be assertive or speak up because you were never allowed to as a child. And so you suffer in silence and just hope someone will notice and do what you need without you having to ask for it. That's not only frustrating, it's tragic, it's hurtful. So here's how this sabotaged our marriage early on. When I was a kid, my dad hit my mom and was exceptionally

rough with my two older brothers. I learned conflict is bad. I learned to hide. So I get married to someone who was abandoned by her father and dismissed by her mom. So when we had conflict, I would disappear and run away from it, which would trigger my wife's abandonment issues. We were a perfect trauma match, and you're possibly a perfect trauma match with your spouse. And there's no blame or guilt. It's not your fault.

It just happens. The beautiful part is if you can recognize this, you don't have to blame each other. You don't have to feel guilt for it. You can say, oh now we can begin to break that pattern and create healthy ones. Many of you were just ignored and not noticed as kids. Your parents were working all the time. Your voice was not heard. So you were left feeling like questioning your importance and your value because you were not prioritized and you have a hard time speaking up and you get triggered very easily when your kids don't listen to you because that is a lifelong pattern that has hurt you. Some of you internalize shame and a feeling that you are so deeply flawed that you can't be

loved and you develop this internal critic inside that can be vicious towards you and so you sacrifice who you are in a desperate attempt to feel a sense of belonging. Now it's time to heal and reparent yourself. So many parents are finding healing in becoming parents now because you get to treat your own child in ways that you never experienced as a child. And it's a wonderful process, but it's not easy. So see if this resonates. Here's how I, this was from a guy.

He said, here's how I've applied this insight. I'm a 40 year old man. Therapy seemed like endless talking about feelings, but it was after I read through these plain speaking scenarios that I finally was able to spot the pattern that has plagued me and played out my entire life. I withdraw. When my wife and I have conflict, I find ways to disappear into work or even into playing with the kids so we don't have to deal with our issues. When the kids are acting up and there is chaos, I run errands and leave my wife alone.

Well, guess what? She was abandoned as a kid by her father emotionally. All of a sudden, it made sense to me. So now I am practicing two new skills. When my wife and I have conflict, I sit next to her. Sometimes we don't even talk, but we are with each other. And it's oddly comforting to my wife and extraordinarily uncomfortable for me. But it's working and I have practiced inviting the kids to help me in the garage or backyard instead of withdrawing when things get chaotic. It's made a huge difference and I'm really proud of the progress we've made. Man, you know

what? I cannot tell you how beautiful that is. When I read this email the first time and he talked about like so and I want to cry right now right because I'm picture look picture this this is a guy a good guy but he's been plagued his whole life by this pattern that played out when he was a child and his wife and You find yourself together and you've got these kids and it's really hard and you find yourself hurting each other And so you begin internal normal thing is to blame each other as if you're bad people But then this guy's realizing I can't do this anymore. So this is what chokes me up is like,

now he's sitting on the sofa next to his wife. Do you know how beautiful that is and how hard that is? Are they having deep discussions right now? Not yet, but they're together. And that is a beautiful thing and the wife is doing something beautiful by not forcing him to talk right now because just being in the room and sitting next to her is enough right now. I find that to be incredibly courageous and beautiful. So well done and you should be proud of

yourselves for that. If you listen to the podcast, you know what I got for my birthday. More Cozy Earth. I'm not kidding when I say wearing this pullover, I've got it on right now, is like wearing heaven. So, Mrs. Calm got me Cozy Earth pajamas and she even saved 40% off at CozyEarth.com slash Calm with code calm. The only problem, I wear them half the day.

I'm kind of like your kids. I find something comfortable and I don't want to stop wearing it. And that's because Cozy Earth products, they're purposefully designed to transform your time at home into a cozy sanctuary. Casey surprised me with luxurious Cozy Earth Nantucket Bath House. It is the perfect mix. They're like super absorbent, but it's like spa-like softness. So when I take my shower at night, I get to crawl into my buttery soft temperature regulating bamboo sheets. It's like sleeping on heavenly clouds. Luxury should not be out of reach.

So visit CozyEarth.com and use my exclusive code CALM for 40% off best-selling sheets, towels, pajamas, and more. Be sure to tell them the CALM guy sent you. It's my birthday and I wanna feel great for many more of these birthdays. So I work out, I stay very active, and I begin every single day with my AG1. In the first 60 seconds of my day, I get my daily dose of vitamins, minerals, pre and

probiotics and adaptogens to support my gut health and a healthy mood. So check out drinkag1.com. AG1 powers these podcast ideas because it helps me feel mentally sharp and it powers all those Instagram videos because it makes me feel energized. Plus my gut just feels calm and settled and regular. And that's why I've been partnering with AG1 for so long. I think you should try AG1 as well. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift when you sign up. You'll get

a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, and 5 free travel packs in your first box. I love the travel packs. So check out www.drinkag1.com.com to get this offer. That's www.drinkag1.com.com and let's be healthy together. So before we get to more specific action steps, I want to share my experience quickly. So I'm a little boy. I noticed my two older brothers get yelled at and sometimes hit. I'm the third born. Well, I don't want to be treated like that. And it also horrifies me when I hear my mom screaming.

So I become a chameleon, an expert observer. I can tell what kind of mood my dad is in when he gets home from work by the way he closes or slams the door of his Chevy Impala. I disappear to my room and learn to be very quiet or I would meet my dad at the door and ask him if he wanted to play catch because he really loves sports. And that was kind of a happy place. And I figured, well, if he's outside with me playing catch, that means he's not hitting my mom or my brothers. See how that works? And that played out later in my life with him.

Early on, I was learning how to keep myself safe and run interference so my dad wouldn't explode at my mom or brothers. Well guess what? The reason I'm really good at what I do now is I can see patterns. I sense underlying tensions really well. But that also meant when I got into my 30s, I realized all my friends were big talkers who never listened to me. That I didn't know how to handle conflict. I just hid. I was tentative and tried to always be the peacemaker at my own expense. And I just realized something a couple years ago. Case and I used to travel a lot back in the day for live speaking events.

And that meant hundreds of nights in hotel rooms together over the years. And one day Casey said, Dad, when you get up in the middle of the night, why do you tiptoe? And so I just replied reflexively, well, I don't want to wake you up or be loud for the people in the room below us. And that sounded awfully chivalrous, right? Until I remembered the real reason when I was a little kid We lived in this three-bedroom home with all three bedrooms close to each other and we had four boys in two bedrooms

if I got up to pee in the middle of the night and Stepped on a floorboard that creaked my dad would yell in his deep angry voice Who's out of bed and that was terrifying when you're a little kid. So I would run and jump under the covers with my heart beating so fast. That was almost 50 years ago. And I can remember it viscerally. So here I was in my 40s and early 50s even,

tiptoeing in hotels and through life so my dad wouldn't be mad at me. That stuff is deep inside of us. Now here's one more dynamic to be aware of. To get the love, connection, validation, safety, or acceptance from your parents, did you have to sacrifice your own authenticity or become less of who you really are? See in some ways this becomes a pattern of recurring self-betrayal in which you convince yourself that being someone other than who you are is the only way that other people will love and accept you. In some ways your past is running your life and if you're not aware of it it's likely causing you to suffer. And

the insidious part is we relive and recreate these patterns over and over again because they're just familiar and they reinforce these deeply held beliefs that many of us have. See? I really am NOT worthy of being loved and accepted and listened to. See? They were right to reject me. See? I don't deserve to have a good spouse or partner. And that means we just have to create some change with this so we can change these patterns. Let's go through some different ways to address these wounds. And look, here's my caveat, you know this,

I can't accomplish all of this in a podcast, right? But I wanna give you some things to think about and then a couple action steps. Even if you do just what that gentleman did before, which is I don't run away and hide anymore and I sit next to my wife like that's so awesomely beautiful. So here are some questions to think about you'll find more if you go through our programs and we do have we're doing that um Black Friday and March sale

just because I want to it's my birthday month. So if you get that you go through the 30 days to call them workbook here are some questions. What did you want most as a child and not get because you're likely still trying to get that Did you have to sacrifice who you are or betray your? individuality or authenticity in order to be accepted or feel safe as a child and you can think about like well How did that play out in childhood? And how is that pattern playing out now? What role, think about this, what role did you play as a child

in order to feel wanted, important, or safe? Have you continued to play this role in your work and personal life? And you can recognize, hey, this has helped me a lot in my job, but it has sabotaged me in my marriage or with kids or with friends in X or Y ways. So when I slip back into some of those negative patterns or need help with this, I often use

the following language. Look, I know this seems hokey or weird to some of you, and I get that, but you just may find it helpful because I do. So I will often get say this affirmation, hey when I was a little boy I learned that I had to hide and not speak in order to stay safe and that was really smart of me. It served me well as a little kid but I am a grown man now and I don't have to walk on eggshells. I am safe. I am confident. Here's why I like that and I'll do a couple more. Why I like it is there's

no shaming. It's not like going back and being like, oh I was such a bad kid. Why did I do that? There's not all this kind of angst over that. It's a simple recognition and you're kind of, again I know this is weird, but you're kind of, again, I know this is weird, but you're kind of talking to that part of you inside, if you want to call it your inner child, but that part of you inside that did that for you when you were a kid and it says, hey, when you were a little Kirk, like you were, you were smart, man. You like, that was really, really courageous of you and you adapted to that situation well, really well done.

That served you well in your professional life. Well done. But now it's sabotaging my relationships with the people I love most. So I get to change. I get to break that pattern. I hope you can hear that. There's a power in that. For some of you, for moms out there, when I was a little girl, I learned to just do as I was told

so I wouldn't get in trouble. And that was smart of me. It worked. But now I'm a grown woman. I don't have to pretend to be someone else. I am worthy of being respected and heard and listened to so now I am going to start doing X or Y. I like those affirmations. I use them every so often and say, hey little guy well done, but now I've grown up and I can move I can I can handle this differently now. Now here's one that I added in the program and I find this to be very very powerful. So it's writing a letter to that protective child, that child inside that protected you and I when we were kids. And it could sound like this, I am sorry you had to disguise who you were and take on adult responsibilities as a child. I'm sorry you lost your innocence and felt abandoned. I'm grateful you have served me so

well, but now I release you from being responsible for everyone else. I release you from being overly cautious. I release you from walking on eggshells and managing everybody else's emotions. You served me well and did your job. Now we can relax and be ourselves. We can be confident. We can expect to be treated well. This has been a long hard fight. It's time for us to be free. For me, there is something very powerful about joining with that part of me, with that part of you who protected you as a kid and becoming free together. And I'd encourage you, spend some time writing out

a couple of those declarations for yourself, those affirmations, when I was a little boy, when I was a little girl, and then writing that out to release that part of you to now move forward and and to recognize those patterns and now we can start practicing new behaviors and developing new skills like treating yourself with respect like being assertive so we can break the old patterns. Hey thank you. Look I know this stuff is not easy. I know it's really hard for some of you.

It just sounds odd to be doing this, but I hope the way that's framed will help you like that dad, like the mom at the beginning who are like, oh, I'm recognizing this. Good, no guilt, no blame, no shame in that at all. I also don't have to spend endless hours thinking and feeling about the emotions. I'm not against that, but sometimes that can be suffocating.

Instead it's like, okay, I recognize that. I see that. But now, can you hear? I hope you can hear in my voice there is a, hey, I've been through that. I've done that. But now I'm free from that. And I'm a grown adult. And so I can begin to take very specific actions like sitting in my discomfort, not having to fix everyone's moods and emotions, being assertive, speaking up for myself that free me from that. Young moms and dads, older moms and dads, I'm proud of you.

I am really proud of you for this. If we can help you, just let us know. We have the Black Friday and March sale going on, but if you need additional financial help, you reach out to us, and that's called being assertive about your needs and knowing that you are worthy of being helped. Practice that.

Okay, love you all. We'll talk to you next time. Bye-bye.