Calm Parenting Podcast - 3 Ways to Get Calm, Compliance & Contrition

Episode Date: March 22, 2021

3 Ways to Get Calm, Compliance & ContritionWant your child to listen to you, calm down when upset, and show contrition? Consequences haven’t worked, so Kirk shows you three (actually six!) creative and effective ways to change your relationship. Very powerful. Want personal mentoring with Kirk via Phone? Click here to learn about mentoring packages. We are including the No B.S. Program FREE with all mentoring purchases OR you can get it here for $99: https://celebratecalm.com/nobs/ Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2021/2022?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom events for schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY!  Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you've got a child who might be very different from you and it's hard to connect with this child and he's impulsive and he's got lots of energy, right? And struggles with behavior or struggles because he gets too upset in the moment and he can't lose at games and he takes things out on his mom or his dad or his siblings and you take them to a therapist and they're like, well, you just need to give them consequences. Well, you've done all of that and the consequences don't work

for this child. And everybody tries to treat your child as if they're maybe some like neurotypical child and they give you the standard answers and it doesn't work and it's frustrating. And so what I want to give you today are three really good ideas, right? Very practical ideas. They're going to be a little bit different. They may make you uncomfortable, but nothing you're doing is working now, so why not try it? So that's what we're going to talk about today on the Calm Parenting Podcast. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for sharing the podcast. Thank you to our friends in Atlanta for inviting us to come speak over the weekend. We had an amazing time. It

was so good to be back with real live human beings. We were socially distanced. We did it well, but we were able to help a lot of people. And there's something about that live audience and there's that energy. And during the presentation, you get to interact with people. And then we stayed for an hour afterwards and just answered people's questions. And we love that. So if we can help facilitate that in your town, reach out to Casey. That's our strong-willed son. His name is C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us the name of your organization, where you are. He'll put together a little proposal within 24 hours.

We'll get back to you. We'll come to your city. We'll meet you in person. It is really cool. So if you need help with any of our stuff, just email Casey. Tell us about your family. We'll give you ideas. We'll work within your budget, give you the right recommendations for our resources.

We're here to help. So let's do this. So you've got this child that's kind of hard to connect with and maybe isn't being very compliant and you're just not listening to your directions. What do you do? So here are three ideas for you. Number one, and this is a big one, I want you to enter into your child's world. Be curious about their world because think about this. Most of the time and throughout pretty much all of their childhood, we put all of our energy into trying to get our kids to do what we care about study organize get good grades have good manners behave well clean up do chores

listen right and there's nothing really wrong with that right but it's all consuming and these kids naturally resist what you want them to do. And it hasn't worked to this point, has it? So why not change and do the opposite? Enter into your child's world. Be curious about what they are interested in. Side note, you're going to find as you go through our programs, if you want to learn how to motivate, internally motivate your child, your strong-willed child, because you cannot externally motivate them. They don't care about consequences. They're not that concerned about what teachers want and what parents want. You have to understand what they care about. If you want to write that down, find out what your

child cares about. Then you can motivate that child, right? But I want you for purposes of this, I want you this week to enter into your child's world. Stop dismissing everything that they care about and that they're interested in. I know most of what they're interested in, you don't care about. Their music, their TikTok videos, a lot of the things that they do on the side. A lot of your kids are great into building things and just exploring. You're like, I know that's great, but you need to do your chores and you need to do your schoolwork, right? You know that child who lays off the sofa upside down? Instead of being irritated by it, walk in the living room and lay upside down next to him. Experience it with him. See how he or she views the world. I'm curious. You see the world in such a different way and I want to understand it. See, I've spent too much time

trying to change you and I actually want to see the world the way you do because I could actually learn from you. And then be quiet and listen. And if you want a bonus killer phrase to use with your child sometime, say this to them. You know, I wish I was more like you. I promise you if you do that, that's right from the No BS Instruction Manual for Strong-Willed Children. Because I try in that one to go through very, very specific concrete 25 action steps to rebuild and repair your relationship with your child. Look, you've got a couple options with our stuff. You can get everything we have. Awesome. It's on sale. You get the No BS program. It's very, very tightly defined 25 steps. Very, very, very tight 25 action steps. It's fantastic for rebuilding. You can do a phone consult form with me, but it's probably better if you just go through the programs because it's all

in there and it's a lot more affordable that way. But this phrase, you know, I wish I was more like you. You know why that's so powerful? Because consciously or unconsciously, we spend 95% of our energy, if we're honest, trying to change this child, trying to change their very nature. And they know that. And they begin to internalize, something's wrong with me. Why aren't I like everybody else? Why do I feel like everybody's teaming up on me? Nobody likes me, right? What's wrong with me? They internalize it because that's what they feel and that's what they experience on a practical level all the time. So that phrase of, you know, I wish I was more like you, right? And if you enter into their world, you will discover so much about them

and you will find, number two, that when you connect, you get much more compliance. It is one of my favorite tools, favorite phrases, connection before compliance. So I want you to bond with your kids. Now, you're going to find that it's very uncomfortable at times, right? And here's research says, especially with older kids, bonding over music that your child likes is really important. Now, I am 99% confident you will hate their music, right? But one night while fixing dinner, blast some of their music. Just did a phone consult with a family whose child likes EDM, electric dance music, because they had lived in Europe, right? And so not my favorite

kind of music, but if I need to bond with my child, I'm going to learn about Avicii, right? That young kid who unfortunately ended his life because nobody would listen to him. If you want to watch a documentary that will make you cry and that you should watch perhaps, it's about Avicii. And in this documentary, they have him before he's dying saying, I've got a lot of anxiety. I can't do this anymore. He was a young kid in his early 20s thrust into like this movement and he's playing before two and three hundred thousand people and he's got a ton of anxiety, and nobody would listen to this kid. He was telling them very clearly, I can't do this, and they kept pushing him because he was making so much money, and he ends up killing himself, right? Because nobody would listen to the kid, and he had a lot of anxiety. And so I don't like electronic dance music, but if my son did, I would become an expert in that, right?

Rap music. Many of your kids are gonna like rap music and you're gonna hate the rap music. And I don't blame you, I get it. But one night while you're fixing dinner, blast that music. I guarantee you, your child will get off his screens up in his room and come downstairs and say, what are you doing?

And now you can say something like this. Well, on the way home from work, I was listening to the radio and I heard some people talking about this rap artist and I was curious about his life story. So I wanted to listen and then learn exactly why his music is so repulsive. I'm just kidding. You would say, I want to learn. I want to listen to his music because I want to understand kind of where this guy came from. So I'm curious. What is it about his music or her music that resonates with you? And then listen. I mean, listen.

Listen without making snide comments, without correcting your child or trying to change your child's opinion about how this music is so awful and your music was so much better, right? Because your parents didn't like your music either. So I promise when you do this, you'll be able to influence your child more. I'm not talking, look, I'm not talking about like getting high with your child in the basement and being cool with them, right? You don't have to like what they like, but I'm asking you to be curious and enter into their world where they are and begin to listen to them. Because when you listen to them, you will find that their motivations are usually very different from what you think. And one of the main things that we talk about with these kids in rebuilding the relationship is the first thing you have to do at times is say, I need to apologize to you because I think I've misunderstood your motivations. It is a huge trigger for your kids. And we almost all of us

do that on a daily basis with our spouse, with people of an opposite political viewpoint as ours. We misunderstand their motives. And I tell you that kills relationships. And so listen to it, learn from it, right? Here's a bonus idea. Create agenda-free time with your child doing something they like doing. Again, you're not going to necessarily like it. I use this with Casey to rebuild our relationship and I called it agenda-free time. So every Saturday morning, I would do with Casey what he was interested in. Now, that was going to car dealerships and test driving different cars. I hated it. I hate going to the car dealership and lying to them, hey, we're interested in a car and we want to take it out. But it was agenda-free time. We

didn't talk about his attitude, his behavior, his school performance. We simply enjoyed time together doing something he was interested in. Even if you hate it and don't want to. Even if your child doesn't deserve it. I will tell you, it rebuilt our relationship. It helped me see him in a different way. And many years later, when he was a little bit older, you know what he told me? He said, Dad, I know you don't like cars. I know you didn't enjoy doing that, but I know that you did it for me. And it's one of my best memories from

childhood. Do it. Here's another one. I could do a podcast on each one of this. This is a really good podcast. I promise if you do these things, this will start to change things with your child. Let your child teach you something. We are so busy with life, so busy ordering our kids around that they feel like robots. But these are really bright kids.

So do you want to connect with them? Do you want them to actually come to you and listen to you? Then listen to them and ask your child to teach you something, even if you aren't interested. Fake it. I don't care. Ask your child to show you something with technology or how they create certain things. Write anything. Your child will appreciate this more than you can possibly imagine. There's something that bonds a child to you when they come and they have something to give to you, to another person. When they are able to do that and you take an interest in it, it makes them feel

heard. It makes them feel liked, makes them feel loved, it will bond you. And when you are bonded, when you are connected to another human being, things begin to change, right? And I'll give you another bonus. This is three ideas, three bonus ideas. When your child is getting very, very upset and they're inconsolable or they are uncontrollable, right? It's a good thing to do when they're upset is to say, hey, you know what? I'm really curious because I need some help doing X. Could you come help me do that? Hey, when you're ready, could you come help me with that? Because you're really good at that and that would really help me out. See, you just took a child who's melting down, who's completely out of control of himself.

We just did this in a phone consultation with a couple and it was a game changer for them because all they were trying to do is, well, we just need to calm him down. We need him to get control of his emotions and stop doing that because it's rude and it's defiant and it's disrespectful in the home. And so everybody's telling us

we just need to come down hard on that child. I have no problem with tough consequences, but I'm only going to use them if they're going to work. And in this case, they're not going to work because that child feels completely out of control. And you know what happened with his family? The dad and the mom, when their child started getting out of control, would ask the child to help them with something. Why? Because that makes him feel in control of something and now he's giving out. And guess what happens at the end of that every time? One, we help the meltdown go from being like all out of control and lasting for hours to the child getting control of himself, right? Because we're not talking about his behavior. Stop that. We're giving him something to do. And now at the end of that scene they're bonded with

the child because he just showed them how to do something and guess what else we got contrition because when your kids calm down and feel in control of themselves they do have big hearts and they know what they do is wrong and now the child's able to apologize in that moment we made it easier for the child to apologize because we helped calm them down, not by changing them, but by getting them to actually help us with something. It's a really cool process, but so completely different than everything you've been taught. And that's why we love it, because it actually works. So if we can help you with anything, get the No BS program, go to our website,

get everything we have, whatever it is, email Casey and ask, and we will tell you and help you get the right resources. If you want to talk to me, book a phone consultation. I'd love to talk to you. Anyway, we love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.