Calm Parenting Podcast - 3 Ways to Help Frustrated Kids So They Don't Beat Themselves Up

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Starting point is 00:02:03 Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Do you ever try to get your kids to calm down and they get even more upset? Are you tired of trying to manage everybody else's emotions, including your spouse's, and prevent the next meltdown? It's exhausting. So I want to show you three different ways to change these negative patterns so we can start to build some confidence so you can actually enjoy your strong willed child again. So that's what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the

Starting point is 00:02:49 Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our strong-willed son, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your family, age of the kids, what are you struggling with? We get together as a family, Discuss it. We will reply back to you personally and usually really quickly because that's what we do. If you need help with any of our resources, products, even financial help, reach out to Casey. That's what he's there for and he will help you. So I know that your kids can be defiant and disrespectful. But if I had just one word to describe your kids, it would be frustrated. These are very bright kids who have visions of what they want to accomplish

Starting point is 00:03:33 and they just get frustrated with themselves. They get frustrated with others. And often what we try backfires. So let's try to change our focus in three areas this week and see how it goes. Now, first area I want you to do is this. I want you to think about this. I want you to change your goal, your objective from, I need to calm this child down to, I need to give my child a feeling of control back. If this is all we accomplish on this podcast and all you do this next week, this next month, this next year, man, you're going to, it's going to change your family life, right? So when your child is melting down or upset, we typically focus a hundred percent of our energy on getting the child to calm down. But when you are upset, when you're upset, is there any worse phrase someone can say to you than, you know what,

Starting point is 00:04:32 you just need to calm down, right? It's infuriating. That's why I say, you know what you need to do, right? And here's why. When you're upset, and especially when you're freaking out or melting down, you feel totally out of control. And this is true of five-year-olds and 50-year-olds. And it's embarrassing. So when someone is watching you and trying to fix your mood, it's too much focus on you when you're at your worst, right? It's too much focus on what's going wrong.

Starting point is 00:05:04 Because people people no matter what age don't like to be looked at when they're struggling with their emotions or even with something physical it's like putting a spotlight on someone at their worst and just as bad no one likes to feel like they're being fixed and that's why it always backfires when we as men tell our wives well honey you know there's no need to be upset. You're just overreacting, right? No one, no one likes to be told that.

Starting point is 00:05:31 The other fallacy of trying this is that you're trying to fix someone else's mood, largely because it makes you uncomfortable. And we have the mistaken notion of thinking that it's our job to fix other people's moods and emotions and it's not and that's one thing I really want you to get from our materials is that the only person I can really control in my life is myself right when I try to fix other people's moods and emotions man it always makes everything worse it's a big enough job to control yourself, not everybody else. And by the way, for a lot of you out there, moms and dads, but a lot of the moms, you're wearing yourself out trying to make sure everybody else is happy.

Starting point is 00:06:16 Everything just goes right. It's exhausting. So at its essence, we all have control issues. You do. I do. It's the way we're made. We have an insatiable desire and need for homeostasis to make everything kind of regulated and in balance. And that's why I get a little bit frustrated when people say, oh, my child just likes to control things. Well, who doesn't? You do too. You seek to control your kid's behavior all day long. So let's just drop that line of thinking and instead let's use that insight to our advantage.

Starting point is 00:06:53 A lot of this is just changing your perspective. See, the problem isn't that your child is melting down. It's that he feels like he has lost a sense of control over himself, over his environment, over what's going on. And that's what freaks him out. That's what freaks me out. So in the moment, instead of just being hell-bent on thinking, I need to calm my child down, change the focus to this. I need to give my child a sense of control back.

Starting point is 00:07:23 Because it's that lack of control or perceived lack of control over the situation that's causing the meltdown in the first place. See, plans change. He got disappointed or frustrated when things didn't work out as planned. There was a transition he wasn't planning on. Your daughter's overwhelmed or feeling, right, feeling helpless or like a failure with school or homework, right? When a kid starts to feel helpless or like a failure, I can't do this work. I'm dumb. I'm stupid. And no matter what you tell them, it doesn't work because they're already feeling out of control. I don't know how to do this math problem. So you shift your focus from calming your child to giving them something, anything they're in control of.

Starting point is 00:08:07 Oh, a few examples. Oh, man, you know, I'd be frustrated too. Hey, I could really use your help. Could you grab the spaghetti sauce from the pantry and get the top off for me? See, I give them a mission, not a chore. Give them a mission, something they're in control of. Oh, I just remembered the room in the basement is broken. You think you could find some duct tape and fix that for me?

Starting point is 00:08:26 I don't care what it is, right? Just give them a mission of something that they feel in control of. Let me do an example from a recent phone consultation. So we've got this 10-year-old kid named Evan, right? He's got this really busy brain like a lot of your kids, super creative. He envisions things. He likes to control everything around him. That's why some of your kids pick up acorns and put them in their pockets, right?

Starting point is 00:08:48 Because I may not be able to control my day, what I have for dinner, what time I go to bed, but I can fidget with these acorns. I can line them up and count them. I can put them in my mouth. I can put them wherever I want. It's something they have control of. It's why your kids are terrible at losing games. That's why you can't play board games with your kids. They're going to change the rules of the game. They're going to cheat or they're going to quit. And why do they do that? Because they're controlling the outcome of the game. Because if I lose at a game, that makes me a loser, right? So when you start to understand your kids and why they do what they do, then you can actually help them. Otherwise,

Starting point is 00:09:25 we make all kinds of judgments about our kids. He's just a poor sport, right? She's a control freak. When in reality, they're just seeking homeostasis and a lot of them just don't have confidence. Quick pitch, you got to listen to the materials. Get the Calm Parenting Program or the Get Everything Package. I go through literally dozens and dozens of these insights in great detail on what I'm allowed, able to do on the app, on the programs that get in this easy to download app that you can share with your spouse and your family. What you're able to do and what I'm able to do is to go into great depth. See, in a podcast, I get 15, 20 minutes and that I can hit it from every angle. So Evan knows what's coming up in

Starting point is 00:10:08 class, right? They've got to move and they've got to take seats next to other kids. So little Evan isn't always awesome at connecting with kids his own age because he's an old soul. He's interested in engineering and hooking up electromagnetic currents while his friends want to kick a stupid ball, something he's not good at. So what Evan knows is he does like Billy. So he's got his heart set on sitting next to Billy. It's comforting to him. It's familiar. Again, so a way to combat anxiety is familiarity. I'm gonna go to what's familiar and comfortable. I wanna sit next to, you can already hear, can you hear that?

Starting point is 00:10:49 I wanna sit next to my friend Billy, because I know Billy. Billy's, he doesn't pick on me, and Billy's kind of like me, right? And as the class moves, Mary comes up and sits next to Billy. Now you and I at our age can say, okay, maybe I don't get to sit next to Billy today.

Starting point is 00:11:07 I can handle that. But Evan can't because that's a safe place. And what he was picturing in his brain and counting on. And it wouldn't even surprise me if Evan walked over and pushed Mary and called her stoop and said, Billy's my friend and I'm sitting next to him. Your kids do those things, right?

Starting point is 00:11:24 And then we get called, well, your child's being a bully. Your child is mean. It has nothing to do with being a bully or being mean. It was that what I pictured, what I needed because I really wanted to sit next to Billy, not because I'm a selfish jerk, but because I don't have a lot of friends and Billy's one kid that's kind of nice to me. And so I really, really want to sit next to Billy. Can you hear that? Right? That's why he did it, right? And so it doesn't surprise me if he pushed Mary and did that. It doesn't mean he's a bully or mean. It doesn't mean what he did was right either. This isn't an excuse. But when you understand the motives, and this is huge insight, man, my biggest, what would you call it, trigger is when people misjudge my motives, right? Like if you want to

Starting point is 00:12:15 call me at times and say like, hey, you know what? You were just a jerk. And I was like, yep, I was just a jerk. I'm okay with that. I can admit that. But if you misjudge my motives, it bothers me. And that's what makes these kids so upset sometimes is because we look at the outward behavior and we judge it. And teachers do that and they feel very misunderstood. And that leads to a lot of anger, right? So in this situation now, Evan's just done this and told Mary to move and pushed her, whatever it is, right? Trying to reason with Evan won't work, right? Because, well, Evan, you know, some days you just can't sit next to Billy. Those lectures don't work because we're dealing with an emotional issue. It's not a rational issue. So here's what I would do as the teacher. Oh, Evan,

Starting point is 00:13:06 I'd be frustrated too. Hey, could you help me with a special project? I need someone strong to help me move X or Y up to the front of the class. See, in the moment, we didn't address Evan's outward behavior. We addressed his internal state of being. In our language, which you'll hear sometimes in the programs, it's instead of treating or reacting to the outward behavior, we meet the internal need, right? It's like when you're, a quick example, your kids are starting to act out late in the afternoon, just saying, hey, you guys need to calm down. You guys need to settle down. Nothing works. You give them a snack. All of a sudden, behavior changes. You didn't change their behavior. You fed them. You met an internal need. See, that feeling of being in control of something external and tangible and physical will help him get control of his emotions inside. And if I were you as a

Starting point is 00:14:07 parent, I would make a list of at least five different go-to missions or projects around the house or in the backyard or garage your child can do in that moment of frustration, something he feels mastery over, something your daughter's naturally good at, right? That gives your child back a sense of control. Then in the moment, you can say, oh, I just remembered. Could you help me with X? Oh, you know what? Before mom left for work, she had left this, she didn't get this done. Hey, could you help me get that done? Hey, dad was hoping that he forgot to mention this morning. There's this mulch in the backyard. Do you think you could move that mulch from this side of the yard to the other side of the yard? Because some of our kids love moving mulch and heavy stuff like that. It's good for sensory

Starting point is 00:14:53 needs, right? So you do that. You give them a mission and then you give the child space to do that without you looking at him in the midst of his shame. So I've done dozens of examples of this in other podcasts on the Calm Parenting Program, but the big insight today is this. Change the focus from, you need to calm down to, hey, I'm going to give you back a sense of control. Hope that makes sense. Okay, number two. Here's what I want to focus on next. Let's change our perspective from we need to fix this to we just need to normalize this. So a few minutes ago, I explained why your kids don't play games well or get along with kids their age, right? And when you really get to understand this, man, it makes everything so much easier because you can understand all the kind of weird little things that your kids do. One danger I see sometimes in taking kids to therapy when they're young

Starting point is 00:15:50 for things that you don't need, right, that you don't need to be fixed or talked about is that it can begin to create in your child, they begin to internalize that something's wrong with them, right? Because look, these are very common things. And the danger is that your child begins to internalize that this, that there's something wrong with me. And then this psychologist or therapist, nothing against them at all, but you just got to be aware of this, right? The psychologist and his parents focus relentlessly on trying to fix this behavior. And then your child starts to feel helpless to change because everyone's focused on the outward manifestation or behavior instead of getting to the root of it. Does that make sense? I really don't want that. So I'm not saying you

Starting point is 00:16:37 should not take your child to see a therapist, but do be aware that if you do, they're going to find all kinds of things that are wrong With your child that I don't think are wrong. Why because that's what they're trying to do, right? Ask a military general if we should go into battle and the answer is probably going to be of course Ask a builder if that land is suitable to be built on of course, right? so all these normal things become some indication of a pathology or a behavior issue. And what it's really coming from is a child who's not confident, who feels less than, knows he's different, struggles to connect with peers, maybe he's flailing a little bit,

Starting point is 00:17:18 right? I don't need to fix that. I need to normalize that and then give the child tools to change whatever they want to and need to change. So one of my conversations with kids is, of course you struggle to connect with peers. They're out kicking a soccer ball around and you're figuring out how to get an electrical current to flow between this truck you built and this bridge, right? And there's nothing wrong with that. You're an old soul. You're curious about adult things while they're out doing kid things.

Starting point is 00:17:47 That's why you get along so well with adults and older people. Now, that's gonna be harder for you now because, see, our system sticks you together for 12 years with only kids your own age. But when you're an adult, you get to pick who you hang out with. And my guess is most of your friends

Starting point is 00:18:02 will be a little bit older than you because they're smarter. They're more mature like you are. And I like that about you. So there's no need to feel bad about yourself. It's harder now, but in the long term, it's going to be much easier. Just be you. See, that's a nice reassuring thing to tell a child rather than, you know what, you just really don't fit in with any of your peers. Have you ever noticed that you don't get invited to birthday parties and you sit alone in the cafeteria? Have you ever kind of internalized that maybe there's something wrong with you? I'd rather just tell them the truth, because the truth can be very liberating and it provides clarity. Here's another one.

Starting point is 00:18:41 Of course you change the rules of the game and cheat, because when you lose it makes you feel like a loser. Of course, you lie because you have all this energy and dreams and a vision and initiative. And so you jump right into things too quickly and you get in trouble. And then you don't want to get in trouble. So you come up with a lie. That makes sense to me, right? You just need to learn some skills for impulse control, right? That's all. It's not an integrity issue, right? You start to give your kids clarity about how they're made and how they work best. And now they don't feel like there's something wrong with them. Now they feel empowered to like, oh, okay. So like with the social skills, we have it in our ADHD university class. Of course, we go through practical ways to help your kids

Starting point is 00:19:23 build connections with other kids and social skills. But I'm giving them tools to do it in a way that works for them, not the typical way it works for everybody else. And if they choose to do that, good for them. Look, I'm 57. I've told you this before. Most of my friends are older than me. I just went for a hike with a 69-year-old guy. You know why I liked him? Because he's settled in life. He's not out trying to prove anything.

Starting point is 00:19:50 He doesn't brag about stuff. He's been through life. I can ask him questions. He's got great advice and we don't have to like compete over everything and do all the immature guy things. So anyway, here's what I want you to do. Change your focus from trying to fix what's wrong with our kids to normalizing some of these things and then give them tools to change over time. Otherwise, you're going to internalize that they're the bad kid and that there's something wrong with them and we don't want that. Okay, third thing we're going to work on this week is this. I want to change from, I don't want you to get frustrated to, I want to teach you how to deal with your frustration. So obviously this is similar to number one because we get so focused on preventing frustration,

Starting point is 00:20:37 which is impossible, that we end up negating valid frustrations and emotions. And that's even more infuriating. And that's why I'm a big believer in validating frustration with intensity, right? I love the, you know, if I were you, I'd be frustrated too, right? Otherwise it sounds like you're merely dismissing what they're legitimately experiencing, right? Even if it's not how you would handle the situation. So I can give you a hundred reasons you should be frustrated and upset today, right? I can. There's hundreds. The frustration isn't the issue. It's how our kids and that's how you, it's how I handle the inevitable frustration that matters, right? So one of my talks with kids is,

Starting point is 00:21:21 I'm okay with you being frustrated. In fact, you should be irritated and upset at that change in plans, at what your friend said, the fact that your sister's breathing. Kidding. But what is not acceptable or ever okay is hitting, calling your sister names, throwing things, hurting others, or negative self-talk. So here's a great way to say things to an upset kid who, let's say, whose project doesn't turn out the right way. Of course you're frustrated with this, right? You're frustrated with this toy you're building. Know why? Because you're conscientious. It means

Starting point is 00:21:56 you care a lot about making stuff work, especially when you've pictured it in your brain being a certain way and then it doesn't turn out like that or it's not done right, it really frustrates you. And I like that about you. I like that you care about that so much. It's a great trait. By the way, that is conscientiousness is the number one predictor of life success. And many of your kids are very conscientious, just not at things you want them to do. So son, daughter, here's what I've discovered in life. When I get frustrated and try to force it to be right, I usually end up breaking it or making it worse. Hey, remember that time I threw my phone down and broke it? Then I was even more upset and I was beating myself up. But what I've learned is when I walk away for even seven minutes and do something

Starting point is 00:22:44 else when I come back, I can see things more clearly and it works so much better. So, hey, listen, I'm going to run up to the store, get some gas and grab a couple things. If you want to come with me, we could grab a snack. Just meet me in the car if you're up for that. See, here's why I like it. You're not making him do it. You're leading. You're inviting. You're giving perspective. You're not telling him what to do. You're saying, here's what I've discovered. You even made it about you. Hey, remember that time that I threw X across the room and it broke? Now I was beating myself up for that.

Starting point is 00:23:14 I'm mad because the original thing wasn't working. Then I broke it. Right? And that's huge for your kids to have you model that for them, right? And you're normalizing failure that these things happen that you get frustrated. That's why I love for dads, especially dad who has trouble at times with his own emotions to walk into a room or come home from work and say, guys, listen, I was frustrated. Man, the traffic was really bad.

Starting point is 00:23:44 My boss was all over me today. Will you guys do a few pushups with me? And then you hit the ground. And what your kids begin to internalize and see is this. My dad has bad days. My dad gets really PO'd when things don't go his way. But when he does, he does pushups. Instead of slamming the door and yelling at us and throwing our Legos in the trash,

Starting point is 00:24:03 he does his pushups. You just modeled that for him. And I'm leading. I like that, right? So there's that quick thing. I'm going to run to the store if you want to come with me. Now you're inviting your child rather than like, you know what you need to do?

Starting point is 00:24:17 You need to take a pause for six seconds. So the focus becomes you are going to get frustrated today, right? Just wake your kids up. Hey, something today is going to frustrate you. One of your plans isn't going to work out. How you deal with that inevitable frustration when things don't go your way, when your vision doesn't get carried out, when plans change suddenly, when you're in the middle of doing things, when you lose a board game, when you sense an injustice. That's what we need to work on. How are you going to deal with that, right? And give examples from your own life, right? Here's one. Hey, have you ever noticed that my tone of voice changes and I kind of snap when I come home and I see stuff lying over the

Starting point is 00:24:59 floor or things out of place? That's because I like things to be orderly. It makes my brain feel at ease. So we're actually a lot alike. Or maybe you say, hey, have you ever noticed that before bed, I always clean the kitchen sink and make sure everything's put away? That's because when things on the outside aren't in place, it makes me feel kind of anxious and irritated inside. So putting away the dishes or cleaning the sink, that makes me feel like at least some things in my life are predictable in place. Because when things feel out of control, that's when we get anxious and snap and get upset. It's just normal, right? And then if you want, you can say this. So I'd like to work on this myself so I don't snap like I usually do and make everyone feel on edge. Like when we're running late to

Starting point is 00:25:41 church or school and event, I tend to snap at everybody in the car and I get a little cranky. That's because I associate being late with losing control over the situation or not getting the right seat or just being disrespectful because that's what I was taught as a kid. So I kind of tense up. How do you think I could work on that myself? See, you're normalizing this. And instead of reinforcing that only your strong-willed child has issues, we all do. You're being honest and vulnerable. You're modeling the exact behavior and response that you want from your child. And by the way, here are a couple quick things to practice when your anxiety causes you to rush or tense up. Let someone else, just try this, let someone else cut in front of you when you're driving

Starting point is 00:26:24 or if you're at the post office or at the grocery store. When you're in a hurry sometimes, just let someone else cut in front of you when you're driving or if you're at the post office or at the grocery store. When you're in a hurry sometimes, just let one person cut in front of you because now you're purposefully controlling your anxiety. You're taking back control of the situation by letting someone cut in front of you. It's a really cool thing by giving back to others. I can tell you in my life when we've been kind of struggling financially, sometimes I will find someone who's struggling even more and give to a charity or to someone else because that gives me some sense of order there, right? So try purposefully slowing down and working on your

Starting point is 00:26:56 own anxiety. It's really cool. By working on yourself, you're eliminating this feeling and idea that you're always coming down on this child. That's why I like modeling this stuff, right? It's not because otherwise this is what your strong-willed child feels like. And they'll say this, how come you guys always pick on me? It feels like I'm the bad kid in the family. Nobody likes me. Everybody picks on me, right? And instead of that feeling, now it's like, no, I got to work on myself too, right? So the child's not internalizing. He's the bad child.

Starting point is 00:27:27 So we're not teaming up on him. So this week, moms and dads, try changing your focus in three areas. Instead of getting your kids to calm down, give them something they can be in control of. And let's normalize and explain normal human behavior, right? The normal stuff that they do. I would even encourage you, let your kids listen to our programs and our podcasts and just say, hey, does this sound right? Is this what it feels like inside for you? And by the way, you can have them listen to Casey's program, Straight Talk for Kids. Casey, our son, recorded that. It's a kid talking to other kids about how he learned how to control himself,

Starting point is 00:28:12 control his emotions, because they'll listen to another kid, right? So definitely have them listen to that one. Above all, be patient with yourself. Be patient with your child as you model the character traits you want to see in your kids, right? Then you'll see your kids change really, really quickly. So thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing this podcast with other parents. If you need anything at all, please reach out to us. Reach out to Casey, Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. Let us know how we can help you. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.

Calm Parenting Podcast - 3 Ways to Help Frustrated Kids So They Don't Beat Themselves Up

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