Calm Parenting Podcast - 3 Ways to Keep From Destroying Your Child’s Confidence

Episode Date: January 15, 2023

3 Ways to Keep From Destroying Your Child’s Confidence Halfway through this podcast, I got very intense and almost swore because I realized one way we are literally dooming our kids…but then I provided two ways to change this. This is a foundational and very important podcast if you have a strong-willed child who doesn’t respond to consequences. Our New Year's Sale Ends This Weekend: You get everything we have ever recorded delivered directly to an app on your iPhone, iPad, Android, or computer. Listen anywhere, anytime. You get 35 hours of practical strategies and concrete examples, along with multiple PDF workbooks. Make 2023 different. Click here to learn more and take advantage of our New Year's Sale: https://celebratecalm.com/calm-2023/ Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2023?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom events for schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY! Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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How many times do we think or even say to our kids, how many times do I have to tell you to stop doing X? What is it going to take to get through that head of yours, right? Why can't you just do what I tell you to do? Now, look, I get that. I get your frustration with strong-willed kids. Our son was so strong-willed, everything was a struggle. And a strong-willed child is going to take up 70 or 80% of your energy in your home, right? And I said all those things to our son and I nearly destroyed my relationship with him and his confidence along the way. Think about this. What if I were to say to you as the parent, how many times do I have to tell you to stop the endless lecturing and yelling? What is it going to take to get through your head that reacting out of frustration and anger never works. Why can't you just do what I

tell you to do in all these podcasts, right? Like what if I said that? Wouldn't you be frustrated and want to give up? Of course you would. What you want and need are tools to stop the lecturing, stop the yelling, stop the reacting. And so that's why I focus so much on teaching you how to change your body posture, right? Like simply sitting in the midst of chaos, in the midst of a situation changes the entire dynamic of that situation. And I know people are like, that's so simplistic. I like simple because simple works and you're busy parents and you don't have time to go through the, what is the 10 step calming process busy parents and you don't have time to go through the, what is the 10-step calming process?

Well, I don't know, but I know that if I sit, it changes my posture. It changes my tone of voice. It changes how I see the situation. And instead of stepping toward my child and provoking a defensive response, it changes things. I think one of the most recent podcasts we went through, how to change your tone of voice. Tone of voice is huge, and that's a very practical tool

that you can practice in order to deescalate situations. We talk about affirming your child for what they're already doing well, instead of always just pointing out what they're doing wrong, right? We do this. It's one of my favorite tools. If you go through our program, especially the 30 Days to Calm, I'll teach you this one. It's do the opposite of what you normally do because what you normally do doesn't work. We have so much anxiety, and our anxiety causes us to focus on the negative and lecture all the time. Think about your anxiety of getting your child up in the morning or out the door. Come on, you got to move, move, move. Let's roll. We got to go, got to go, got to go.

And what happens when you're anxious? Your kids actually move more slowly. They're not rejecting you. They're rejecting your anxiety. And your anxiety actually gets you the exact opposite result that you want. So one of the ideas is we'll do the opposite of what you normally do. And then maybe you'll get a different response, right? We talk about controlling your anxiety over your child's future. Again, I get it. You're looking at this child. You're looking at this child. You're thinking, who is going to marry him? Who would possibly hire this child?

How are they going to be successful in the future if they can't even clean their bedroom or pick up toys or put on their shoes or follow through on simple things? How are they going to be successful in life? And I'm telling you, I hope you will please listen to me. That sounded a little strong, and I don't like to sound like that, but it's true.

I've done this for a long time. We've worked with a million families. I've worked with so many of these kids in our homes and watched them grow up, and our own son. I promise you, those things are all about your anxiety projecting 10, 15 years into the future, and they're a lie, right? Because I know every man I talk to, right? It's like, well, if they can't learn to do it. I was like, what were you like when you were seven, right? And kids change. Our son was not ultra responsible as a young kid, right? Or even as a teenager. He didn't keep his room that clean. Go to his house now. It's spotless.

Why? Because he owns his house. Because he has ownership of it. And because he grew up and we modeled for him how to have a home that is orderly and neat. We lived our lives in front of him as the greatest lecture. And so, look, it's about controlling your anxiety of your child's future by creating a vision of who they can be and who they really are. See, we tend to speak over our kids what we're seeing right now as if that's who they are. And that is, I don't have the word, I almost said evil, but in a way it's a cruel thing to do,

right? Like it's a cruel thing to say, you're always going to be irresponsible. You're always, right? So I like to step back and say, I have the wisdom. I have the perspective to see long-term and to see you have every quality inside of you right now already to be wildly successful in life. And you will be because they will be, right? Unless you crush their spirits, okay? So look, we talk about giving your kids options within your boundaries so they're not so rigid over everything and create so many arbitrary rules and things that you have to do. And that creates all these power struggles. See, these are all tools that I like to give people. That's the purpose of the podcast. I want to give you tools so that you can stop doing

things that, one, don't work, and two, destroy the relationship with your child. But see, all we do with our kids is tell them once and expect them to listen and be perfectly aligned with your will, even though sometimes what you request is arbitrary, right? And then we immediately go to consequences. And that leaves you and your kids frustrated. See, there's two ways to address a child's misbehavior. I'm not denying that your kids misbehave. Happens every day.

They're impulsive, right? That's how life works. So one way to address it is, well, we wait until the child messes up and then we give a consequence. If you think about it, in essence, you are punishing that child for his failure. Here's a different way to look at it. And this is really important. By the way, I never introduced myself with this podcast because I'm doing a little bit differently. So I'll do it really important. By the way, I never introduced myself with this podcast because I'm doing it a little bit differently. So I'll do it really quickly. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

Find us at CelebrateCalm.com. Need help with anything? Reach out to our strong-willed son, Casey. C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your kids, your family. What are you struggling with? And we will talk together as a family. We reply back to you pretty quickly,

usually within a few hours, and almost always within 24 hours, with very practical tools and some ideas. And what I want to share in this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast are some very practical tools that we share when people write in. And this is very, very foundational. So what if you know your child struggles in a certain area? See, if you just threaten consequences, well, then you're just going to waste their entire childhood just giving consequences, right? It'd be like if I just told you every time, like, stop. Why won't you stop if you don't stop yelling, right? No, you give them tools, right? It won't change a thing. But what if you were to give your child or if your teacher

listening tools to do it differently and in essence began creating successes instead of reinforcing failure? See, many of your kids have begun to internalize that they're bad kids or stupid kids, right? And so this isn't really a discipline issue. It's a tools issue. And I will add this. I think some of your kids feel helpless to change. I would write that word down and begin to meditate on that and think about your child. Some of your kids feel helpless because they came out of the womb like this. They're strong-willed. They want to do things on their own terms.

They have pushed since the time they were little. You tried to put them in preschool and they couldn't sit still and they wanted to get up and walk around and pursue their curiosity, by the way, which is what they're supposed to do. And they never, never really fit in. And they may have the misfortune of having a compliant rule-following sibling who is perfect and everybody compares them to, and that's not a good situation for them because then they'll further internalize, nobody likes me. You're always picking on me. Why am I

the only one in trouble? And of course, you're going to say reasonably, well, you're the only one in trouble because you don't listen and you keep, it's frustrating. I get it. But I believe many of your kids are helpless. They feel helpless to change. Watch, I've got to add something here. They partly feel helpless because sometimes, and you have to do your own work on this, what you are expecting of them is unrealistic. Many of you, that's partly why I like doing the phone consultations because I can talk to the parents and say, you know what? I understand why you do that, but that is an unrealistic expectation of a six-year-old or of a 14-year-old or of a 15-year-old boy, right? You're asking something that's unrealistic because that's the way you were as a kid but

that's not how it works you don't get to project onto your kids what your experience or how you're made because many of your kids are very different from you or they're just like you which can be equally frustrating because you don't want them to experience the same hardships you did so you spend all this time trying to change change change, change, and fix them. And ultimately, they'll feel helpless because here's what they know. No matter what they do, they will never live up to your expectations. And I want you, no blame and no guilt, but I really want you to begin thinking about that. If you have a child who is in trouble all the time, like all the time, then it's not

just the child's issue, right? It's not blaming you or teachers or anyone else, but the way we're handling this is not optimal if they're always in trouble. So sometimes it could be what you're expecting them is just arbitrary. Some of it is, look, I deal with men all the time. I'm a guy. I know how this works. I want my kids to do a certain thing because it's just easier for me. I like order and structure. So I want you to listen to me and do it exactly the way I told you to do it, even if they shouldn't have to do it exactly the way that you want them to do it just because you're the authority figure, right?

Because authority figures should be the humble people who teach, not just like demand things because it's easier that way, right? Because authority figures should be the humble people who teach, not just like demand things because it's easier that way, right? I want you to dig into that because that'll change how you do things. So for the next two weeks, I want you to do this. I want you to begin giving your kids tools and creating successes. So here are a couple. Look, I just did a bunch of examples of tools for you as a parent. Here's a couple examples of tools for your kids. Let's say your child

struggles with morning routine. Of course, you can give consequences, right? If you're not ready by 7.15, you lose X, right? Here's one of my favorites. Every minute past 7.21, that's when we leave for school. Every minute you are late past 721, you forfeit 15 minutes of your screen time tonight. Fair. I did that one before. And sometimes that works because it's a pretty harsh consequence. And I'm fine with that. But those consequences don't always work.

So I prefer to create a success by giving your kids tools to get ready on time. Right? And one of them is this. And I didn't even have this one listed, anxiety. Many of you have kids who don't want to get up in the morning because they have a lot of anxiety about school. Some of your kids don't get along well with, or they don't connect well with kids their own age.

They don't play well on the playground with other kids. By the way, I just did a podcast for teachers, and I encourage you to listen to that because I went through examples of how to help with that. Some of you have kids who just struggle with generalized anxiety because they don't know what to expect and school is all out of their control and they're not really good at doing school, sitting still all day, following directions, walking single file down the hallway, sitting in the cafeteria, memorizing information for tests because they struggle with short-term memory. Well, look, if I was going to a job every day that I wasn't qualified for or I wasn't good at, I wouldn't want to get up every morning. I would try to find ways to be sick or I would get another job.

Your kids can't do that. So anxiety is a big deal. Plus they have anxiety about being on the school bus, all kinds of things. So here's a tool. In that situation, consequences are not going to work because anxiety is often, it's emotional. It's not always rational. And you're trying to give a rational consequence. If you don't go to school, you have to go to school or the drone officer is going to get on

you. And if you miss a certain number of days, and it means nothing to them because inside they're like, you have no idea what you're talking about. I'm not missing school because I'm rebellious. It's because I have so much anxiety. It's been such a negative experience. People pick on me. I don't do well with it. And it's all you ever focus on. And it's the one thing I'm not good at. It's what everybody, including their grandparents, focus on. So of course they don't want to go to school. So one of the most, here's a tool.

Ask a teacher, assistant principal, someone at school to give your child a very specific job to do, a mission. Oh, Brandon, I could really use your help. Listen, you are so good at doing X. Every day when you come to school, could you help me with X? Now when your child wakes up in the morning, it's not just, hey, school, school, school, let's go to school. You need to learn, right? It's, oh, hey, buddy, hey, do you remember? Mrs. Henderson said that she really needed your help because you are really good at that. And so she asked me to get you there five Mrs. Henderson said that she really needed your help because you are really good at that. And so she asked me to get you there five minutes early

every day because she really needs your help. And I just created a success because now that kid walks into the classroom and he's got a job to do. And your kids are good at doing jobs for other people, especially if you make them more grownup type jobs. And now I just gave the teacher an opportunity to praise your child and say, man,

Brandon, well done, my friend. Hey, every day, be here a few minutes early. And I have a couple other jobs if you're interested that I could really use some help with. That's a tool to get your child to school, okay? So another one is for little kids, do the morning treasure hunt. Kids love treasure hunts. Hide their breakfast or clothes somewhere in the house or outside so they have to find them. It makes it a challenge. It makes it fun. It gets their brain working early on. And I've said this a million times, but many of you have kids who would love to eat their breakfast outside in the morning, out in fresh air. They won't even care if it's 30 degrees. Try different things. We wake up, kids, here's another tool, connection. Connecting with your child is a tool because that connection tends to breed more cooperation, right? Yelling and

demanding tends to breed resistance. So I used to wake Casey up and talk about something he was interested in, not talking about school and how important it is to develop good study habits. They don't care about that. Hey, I was thinking about how you said you love X or you're interested in X. With Casey, it was blues music at one time. It was ice hockey. It was guitar. It was all kinds of things. Hey, when you get ready and come downstairs, I'd like to hear more about that. See, that's a lot different than waking a child up. Get up. Time for school.

If you don't get up, you're going to lose X. Chores. What are some tools for doing chores? Make them more challenging. Make them difficult. Let your kids do their chores backwards. Let them do it blindfolded. Make it fun.

Let them do different chores than your admittedly arbitrary list of common chores that every child should do. Well, your strong-willed kids are not every child. They're different. Does it mean you just let them get away with nothing? No. But I expand my list of ways to contribute to our home and be responsible. Why?

Because I'm not just checking off boxes as a parent. Well, kids have to do chores because that's what you do. Well, no. The bigger thought is I want to train my child to be responsible and respectful toward other people so that when he goes into the adult world, he knows how to navigate that world. Loading and unloading the dishwasher has nothing to do with that. If your kids do that, awesome. But those of you who are control freaks, you don't like the way they do it anyway. So you may as well just do it yourself.

But here's what we did with Casey. He was very helpful to neighbors. We had an old couple that lived two doors down. So guess what Casey did? He went over there and helped them. Why? Because he got along really well with older people because they didn't lecture him. And the old guy had been a session musician with Johnny Cash and Elvis Presley back in the day. That's pretty cool.

So he helped the neighbors. Guess what we heard from our neighbors? Man, your son is an amazing young man. And we're like, really? Have you lived with him? Have you seen his bedroom? Have you tried to do homework with him? How many of your kids are like that? I guarantee you 99.5%, if not 100% of the kids that we're talking about, they are amazing for other people. And that should reduce your anxiety. You're not raising your kids to be kids. You're raising your kids to be adults. Your kids are going to be awesome adults.

They're just not good at doing the kid thing. So forgive me for being a little bit, not angry, but it's defensive for the kids because they get their spirits crushed. Look, we have an entire generation of kids, many of your kids, who will be amazing in the adult world, and nobody freaking tells them that. You're not good at it. Here's what they hear every day. You're not good as a kid.

You don't do your homework right. You can't sit still. You can't sit at the dinner table. You don't eat the right things. You don't sleep the right way. You're an effing loser. Forgive me for doing that, but it's important that sometimes we... See, I like to be talked to like that. I like for people to say, you need to stop that because it's hurting your child. I've never said that before, but think about it. That's what we're telling your kids. You stink as a kid and you better change or you lose all your screens and the rest of the family is going to be angry at you. And we don't take the time to realize that they're going to be amazing as adults.

So there's a little bit of a digression there. I'm not angry at you. Look, I'm angry because of what happens to these kids. And I get, not get to, I have to see it on the back end when their spirits are crushed and they end up feeling like losers when they're these brilliant young men and women who have no confidence, right? Who grow up and all they knew was, I'm a loser. And so they don't fit in and some of them seek to medicate themselves in different harmful ways and there was nothing wrong with them the entire time. They just didn't fit into the kid world the right way. And I want us to think larger. Stop checking off the boxes. Well, he's a kid. He should do this. Why? Each of your

children is an individual. You have some compliant kids who love checking off the boxes and doing all their chores and it makes them feel orderly and structured. It makes them feel good because you love them. You say, you're awesome. And then you've got this other child who I promise you in some ways will never live up to your expectations. They're not. And they can feel it. And that's why they shut. Look, what's, what, what is the downside of me as a kid shutting down? What else am I going to lose? You've already taken away everything I own. So now what I start to do, and this happens with a lot of teenagers, and this, look, this is partly why I just got upset because I don't want this happening so that when you have

a teenager, you're raising an angry teenager. And then I get an email that says, my teenager is angry. How do I stop that? Well, we've got to look at probably what happened the previous 13 years, right? That he's internalized and it's not going to be like, well, if you just go apologize, it's going to be better. Now we can work through those things and we can rebuild that relationship, but I want to prevent that from happening in the first place. So Casey would help a neighbor. He would do work outside. Why? Because he was outside and we weren't standing over him. You know what else he did?

He worked a job from the time he was 12. So he was demonstrating, I'm responsible, I'm respectful, adults like me, and I can get the work done. He just didn't do a lot of the regular kid things, right? That's a tool that we can use. And that's an entirely different podcast. But thanks for bearing with me with that. And I hope you take that to heart. During homework time, here's some more tools.

And I'll close this up. We use movement and music to get the brain processing faster. So you can quiz kids or review vocabulary words while they're jumping on a trampoline, while they're hanging upside down, while they're coloring, playing catch, right? Let older kids listen to music, even intense music. Do schoolwork in a car or a public place. Those are tools that help your child be more successful. so we don't keep reinforcing that your child is always in trouble and never measures up. And then we create successes. Again, for the next two weeks, and I promise you this is one of the reasons I'm going to do this quickly. I want you to go through our programs. Get the Calm Parenting Package or the Get Everything Package because we give you literally dozens and dozens and dozens of practical tools. All of this, we give you practical tools so you can change this dynamic

so your kids do feel confident and you can actually enjoy them. So go to the website or email Casey about that. So create successes. What are some missions, specific jobs to do that your child will succeed in doing? Oh, Luke, I could really use your help doing X. Is there a job a neighbor could give your child, succeed in doing. Oh, Luke, I could really use your help doing X. Is there a job a neighbor could give your child, helping in some way, even if you have to pay the neighbor to give them that job?

And I'm serious about that. I want a lot of positive interactions and experiences doing things your child's naturally good at doing because many of your kids all day at school, they're being asked to do stuff that they're just not good at doing. And then they come home, nope, here's another list of doing things that you're not good at doing. Well, that would sap your confidence and energy as well. So I create

successes at home. I love if there's a dad in the home to give, because dads sometimes are relentlessly kind of on kids about not doing it the right way, in my way or the highway approach. And I can tell you from all my experience, almost every person on the planet is seeking his dad's approval. It's just the way it's built into our fabric. And so I give my child missions he can complete and then affirm him. And if there's no dad in the home, it's okay. Moms, you do this, right? Make it fun. Make it a game. Hey, bet you can't do X.

Set your child up for success. Try to turn some of the common situations into successes. Remember, whenever you say no to something inappropriate, because some of you have become Dr. No. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. I like saying yes to something appropriate. So watch, instead of just saying, don't ride your bike fast, right, which is like telling me not to eat that brownie that's sitting right over on my kitchen counter, can we create an acceptable challenge to give your child with his bike, let's him push the boundaries a little bit as kids are supposed to do, but still remain within an acceptable boundary and acceptable range, right? So instead of like, no, start to think what can they do instead of just reflexively saying no. I know why we do that. Look, I'm all over saying no. You have to say no to your kids over certain things like screens. I want to say no a lot, right? But what do we say

yes to? That's more important. And then here's another tool and way we create successes. Affirm and give positive intensity to the good choices. Do it that in a purposeful way for the next two weeks. Catch your child making good choices give little fist bumps hey well done son that shows me you're growing up by the way that's a great way to praise your child even matter of fact tone very low key not a big I'm so proud of you right because that's when they shut down it draws too much attention to them and it sounds fake so next two weeks here's our roadmap. We are going to give our kids tools to succeed relentlessly. I want you to talk to your child's teachers. I want

to talk to your spouse. And I even want to talk to your child about this of like, hey, our child is struggling in this area. Instead of just going right to what's the consequence going to be, what are two or three different tools we could give our child to succeed and then begin creating successes? If you need help with that, reach out to us. Definitely listen to the programs because we go through a 24-hour day from morning to kids getting home, to going to that taekwondo class, to doing homework, eating dinner, bath time, bedtime, all screens. There's a whole program on screens. We go through everything in a day. Here's a different way to do it

so that you can enjoy your child and that your child can feel good about himself and enjoy his childhood. Hey, thank you for listening to this. Thank you for letting me get a little bit intense and emotional there. Love you all. If we can help you, just let us know.

Bye-bye.