Calm Parenting Podcast - 3 Ways to Stop Yelling, Lecturing & Power Struggles

Episode Date: August 25, 2024

3 Ways to Stop Yelling, Lecturing & Power Struggles When you rush your kids, they move more slowly. When you lecture, they resist more or shut down. When you get anxious about your child's future, it kills their confidence and vision. How can you stop the yelling, lectures, and power struggles? Kirk gives you three concrete steps and scripts to use with your kids. We have extended our Summer Sale for the month of August. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products/ to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. BETTER HELP The Calm Parenting Podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Take a moment. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/CALMPOD today to get 10% off your first month. AG1 Visit https://drinkAG1.com/calm for a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D3K2 AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase. SIMPLISAFE Protect your home this summer with 20% off any new SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring. Just visit https://simplisafe.com/calm.   AIR DOCTOR AirDoctor comes with a 30-day money back guarantee so if you don’t love it, just send it back for a refund, minus shipping! Head to https://airdoctorpro.com/ and use promo code CALM and you’ll receive UP TO $300 off air purifiers!   AQUATRU Today my listeners receive 20% OFF any AquaTru purifier! Just go to https://AquaTru.com and enter code “CALM “ at checkout. PHYLA Tackle acne’s root causes for clearer, healthier skin for your child. Get 25% off your first order of Phyla with the code CALM. Go to https://phyla.com and type in the code CALM. K12 Join the more than 2 million families who have been served by K12, and empower your student to reach their full potential now. Go to https://www.k12.com/CALM today to learn more and find a tuition-free K12-powered school near you. HAPPY MAMMOTH For a limited time, you can get 15% off on your entire first order at https://store.happymammoth.com/ with the code CALM at checkout. That’s happymammoth.com with the code CALM. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So your mornings begin with the usual power struggle, asking, pleading, and threatening to get your son out of bed. You're anxious he'll be late for school and then forget to turn in his homework because you were never allowed to be late or miss an assignment as a kid. Will the principal and teachers think you're a bad parent? Sophia picks at her breakfast and complains that you never make anything good to eat, even though you bend over backwards to provide more options than at a fancy brunch.

Is she going to be unhealthy or get sick? David has worn the same jeans and hoodie sweatshirt eight days in a row. What are the other parents going to think about you as a mother or a father? Sophia won't brush her teeth or hair. And as you're rushing out the door, she remembers one final thing she just has to do before she leaves and now you're out in the driveway honking the horn waking neighbors up great now there's a traffic jam and you're going to be late to school and late to your job so you grip the wheel tighter you ride the guys bumper ahead of you tense your kids try

to talk to you but you see in silence because you're still upset about their dawdling. We'll talk about this tonight you snap as you drop your kids off at school. Now you feel guilty as you rush to work also afraid that your boss is going to be mad at you for being late again. Your mother's pressuring you to visit for the holidays but you don't really want to go and you're getting the usual guilt trips, and you'll probably give in. Look, to some of you, your dad was a little rough and authoritarian, and you worry that you're letting your kids get away with things. Are you even being a responsible dad if you're not correcting them all the time?

Because this new world of parenting sometimes leaves you a little confused. The Johnsons' kids are taking piano and an extra language after school. If they can do it, why can't your kids? What if you're not doing enough for them? What if they can't get into the right prep school or preschool? Will you be a failure as a parent? Heck, you're not even sure whether you'll need that money for college or bail given your son's behavior. Oh, that's right. You don't have money set aside for college anyway. The braces, new roofs, summer camp therapy, and car repairs have eaten away at that. And your house never seems clean enough.

Why can't your kids just clean their bedrooms so you don't have to badger them all the time? And now you're dreading the battle over homework. You end up frustrated standing standing over your child, scolding. If you would just focus, you'd be done in 45 minutes instead of it taking three hours. And now here come the tears. And you forgot to lay out chicken, so you're back to mac and cheese again. Again. And your kids still complain.

And now dad's getting irritated because David can't sit still at the dinner table. When will he ever learn some discipline? And mom's getting anxious because she's sensing the coming explosion. So she has to run interference, managing the emotions and taking the temperature of everyone in the home. And that's exhausting. And now you have to help your daughter with that project that's really busy work anyway. So the dishes, they just sit in a sink for a while what would your mother say she never seemed this frazzled what are you doing

wrong so you decide you'll finish up the project for sophia because it's now bath time another power struggle and then a bigger struggle with bedtime only david has trouble sleeping and you threaten him repeatedly to get in your room now. Good. Let's end the day with a little bit of guilt and conflict. What kind of bad parent are you that your kids won't eat, sleep, do their homework, or listen to you? Look, can you see how much emotional, mental, and physical energy this anxiety takes from you? It's exhausting and worse yet, it can destroy the very relationships that you cherish most. Moms and dads, I want you to know this is that what I just described is very

common. You are not alone. If you lived in my world, dealing, working with parents all the time with strong-willed, neurodivergent kids, you would know this is very normal. And so it's not that you're always doing something wrong. It's just hard. But we have to get control of our own anxiety. So let's make a commitment now. Because I want to finally, look, we start the new school here. Stop the yelling, the lecturing, and the reacting that destroys your relationships. And this is about breaking generational patterns that you got from your own parents and creating a new family tree. The greatest gift I ever gave our son is breaking those generational patterns that I got from my dad who got it from his own dad. So I want this so when your kids grow up, they don't have

to struggle with all of these things. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. So let's dive into this. I believe that your greatest enemy as a parent is your own parental fear and anxiety. And the great news is you can't always control the behavior of another human being. You can't always control your kid's behavior, your spouse's behavior. But you can control your own. And if you will work on your own anxiety, you will see changes in your family very, very quickly.

So let's look at the practical side of this first. Your anxiety never, ever helps or works. Anxiety causes you to get the exact opposite response that you want from your kids. Look, when you rush your kids, guys get in the car, move, move, move. Instead of running more quickly, your kids move more slowly. When you try to get them out of bed in the morning and you're in this anxious position, come on we got to get up, we got to go to school. They move more slowly. Why? Because they know when you are in that anxious mode, nothing they do will please you. And they're not rejecting your authority.

They're rejecting your anxiety. When you lecture your kids constantly, it backfires. They end up resisting you even more or they ignore you because the more words you use, the less valuable they become. When you get on your kids about every little thing, they don't thank you for being so conscientious and pointing out everything that I'm doing wrong. They fight you. And when you react to them pushing your buttons, they're now in control of you. The truth is that you and I as parents create probably 80% of the power struggles in your home. No blame, no guilt. It's just if we want to change this, we can't walk around, well, that child is so difficult. I know they are. I acknowledge that. Everything you say about your

child is absolutely true. But what else is absolutely true is this. You have a lot of anxiety as a parent. Many of you have control issues and perfectionism issues, and that creates power struggles over issues that don't matter. The anxiety will kill your relationships. When you lecture, think about this. Look, lecturing is not teaching teaching is a different tone in the next podcast I'm gonna go through different scripts for you so you know the difference between anxious parenting and confident parenting see when you lecture it sends this message I don't trust you to make a good decision so I'm going to keep badgering you you can't do it on your own after all what would I do if I didn't have to be responsible for you see this isn't really about you son

or daughter it's about me because what we're saying is I don't really believe you can be successful I spend 95% of my energy trying to fix what's wrong with you and spending instead of spending that time cultivating your natural gifts and passions, because of my anxiety over your future, look, that's what we're doing, moms, that you see what your kids are doing and you project into the future and say, who is ever going to marry this child? Who would possibly hire this child? My preschooler, we just got a call from school on the first day that my preschooler won't follow directions can't still still in a circle where you have a teen or tween who sits in a hoodie sweatshirt and plays video games all the time and you project out in the future and think that's the way they're always going to be and they're not so because of my anxiety over your future

I'm going to harp on you over and over again so, I don't trust that you have what it takes to be successful And I'm more worried about my own legacy Because if you don't turn out well, then I'll have been a failure and I can't live with that Sometimes we feel that right moms and dads. You're also saying this this problem isn't really yours. It's mine I have this vision of how life was supposed to be and I feel compelled to make our family life fit that vision, but I can't. So I'm going to try to make all these little insignificant things just so to check off the boxes because that will give me the illusion that things are actually okay. And some of you

have your identity wrapped up in your kid's behavior. And when they don't do things the right way, i.e. your way, you take it as a personal affront. After all I've done for you, I've tried to teach you to be kind, to be responsible, and you can't even see. When you hear yourself using that guilt trip, then you know your anxiety is out of control. So I'm going to try to keep this simple. I could just do the first step and it would be enough for this podcast. So I'm going to encourage you, take notes on this because this will free you and your family. So three steps to begin practicing this week.

Number one step, stop. I just picture a red stop sign right now. Before you say another word to your child, before you lecture, before you correct your child, before you remind your child one more time just to clean his room and get the homework done and take out the trash, before you do that, before you react, before you make one more comment, stop. Stop yourself. Simply stop yourself and then ask yourself these questions. Go. Go get a drink of water. Go to the bathroom. But stop and think. Ask yourself these questions questions is what I am about to say necessary what do I hope to accomplish with this lecture or this correction is this just my anxiety and fear about my child's future dumping all over them how

will this tone affect my child will it create a defensive response or a more open response will this make my child feel less confident or more confident do I feel compelled to say this like I just can't wait and that's a big key because teaching is not lecturing see teaching sounds like this teaching calm even matter of fact but lecturing is often where I feel compelled, like I better say this because if I don't say this right now, I want you to stop before you feel compelled. Walk away from it.

Am I taking ownership of or responsibility for my child's choices and behavior? Is this driven by my need for order or because it's the way I've always done it and prefer it to be done? That's your own control issue sometimes. Is this driven by guilt? Is this fear over what my parents are going to say or what other people are going to think of me? So first step moms and dads, stop. Reflect on what's going on inside of you. And then here's my guess. You probably won't say what you were going to say, and that would be a good thing, or you'll say it differently. In the next episode of the podcast, I'm going to give you some actual scripts. So stop talking so much. And by

the way, it's not like any of your lectures have worked up to this point. Is that not true? It hasn't worked. So stop doubling down. Okay, step number two is going to be easier because that first one's going to be really hard for you. Step number two, sit down. Yeah, just sit down. I know it sounds silly. It sounds stupid. I've been teaching this for 25 years, right? And people are like, well, can't you give me some 10 step process? I could, but you're a busy parent. You don't have time for that. And it's hard to remember in the moment. But when I'm anxious and I want to react, fight, argue, lecture, if I just sit down, I promise you it will change the dynamic. If you sit down and start coloring, that always leads to a better outcome. And so I want to share something from a mom that wrote in because I think you'll

really identify with her language. She said, you know what I appreciate so much about your program. She'd been to the 30 Days to Calm and some of the other ones. It's like releasing a pressure valve on my parental anxiety. You remind me that successfully parenting and connecting with my strong-willed kids is more about changing myself and managing my own expectations. When I find myself angry, it usually stems from a place of fear for their future or how others perceive us. That's a big one for us moms and dads. But you've given me permission, and I love this language, to not feel the need to control every outcome for them. So this mom

is now liberated because what are the words? I don't feel like I need to control every outcome for them. Man, that is a huge weight lifted off of you and off of your kids because they know they can't really please you. So I love sitting. I can sit anywhere at any time. It changes my tone of voice. Moms and dads calm, even matter of fact tone, no emotion. What I'm communicating, and we had 1500 kids in our home. I disciplined them all the same way I would sit. I'm communicating your world may be out of control. Mine's not. I can handle anything that comes my home. I discipline them all the same way. I would sit. I'm communicating your world may be out of control. Mine's not. I can handle anything that comes my way. I can handle you at your worst. I've seen this before. I have done this before. There's no drama. I'm not going to beg you, bribe

you, lecture you, remind you 14 times, but I'm also not going to yell and scream at you either. I'm simply going to impart my wisdom to you. Now, side note, some of you, because I've noticed your comments on Instagram, you're like, well, I'm a big yapper. And all I can say to you is like, I love that you're a big yapper. In our personal life, it makes you the life of the party. You tell great stories, but it is crushing your relationships. And I'm not saying this to be mean. It's just honest. You need to shut up. Sometimes you need to just shut up.

And I'm really not trying to be mean or jerky with that. It's that if you don't do that, right, you're going to hurt your relationship and it doesn't work. And look, sometimes it's like, well, I'm just a big talker. Well, that's like people that are Irish. Well, I'm just Irish, so I'm an alcoholic. Or me, well, my dad was career military and I'm type A intense person, so I just have to be a jerk. No, you can change yourself. So talking too much provokes kids to anger.

And then there's another one I see. Well, I'm going to give this a try. You know what? Don't even bother. And I'm not being jerky with that either. But it's like, oh, I'll give that a try. No, you can't just try this. This is hard stuff. You're breaking generational patterns. You have to commit to this and say, you know what? No matter what it takes, I am getting to,

I'm getting control of my own anxiety because it is worth it. It will free me to enjoy my kids and stop all these power struggles. So draw a line in the sand. This is a game changer. Don't just try. Okay, third thing. When you want to lecture your child and talk about their future and how they're not going to be successful if they can't do all these things, I want you to create a different vision for your child with your words. And it's not hard to do. I know for some of you it is, and you've asked me for scripts, so here are some. I want you to simply notice what your kids already do well. I will promise you, moms and dads and dads out there, because I'm a dad.

It's like, well, if I start affirming what he's already doing well, then he's just going to get lazy and take it for granted. And I promise you, that will not happen with your kids. When I started doing this with our son, he worked harder for me. So let me give you four or five examples, concrete affirmations. You're just recognizing what they already do well. It's not participation trophy. It's not fake praise. It's not generic like, oh, you're such a great kid. That means nothing. So, right? So let's take the little kid, right? Instead of a pig-headed four-year-old who won't get with the program and who ruins your agenda because you have too many control issues, you can say, you know what I love about you? You're so determined when you want to do something. You never give up and you keep at it, even when it's hard and when it doesn't work the right time. You aren't afraid to explore and try new things. And you've got a great future ahead of you. Now look, a little kid's not even gonna know

what you mean by that, but they do hear a different tone. And little kids, by the way, know what mood you're in from the time you wake up in the morning. They can feel it because they don't always understand language, but they will pick up on your tone.

And when they hear that tone, instead of that frustrated, displeased parent who's always upset and telling you no, and you won't pick up your toys and all those things. See, it changes that and it changes how you see your child. And that's the whole point. Here's the second one. So let's say you're frustrated at a younger child

because he or she leaves Lego blocks and other toys all over the floor. And your child will delay coming to dinner or getting a shower or going to bed because they get consumed by creative projects, right? Your kids, when they get an idea in their head, they've got to carry it out and they hyper-focus. So you want to lecture about how important it is to pick things up and be responsible for your expensive toys and make sure no one trips. And you have to get a good night's sleep and come to dinner on time because that's respectful. And I get it, but those lectures

don't work. And so here's what I'd rather you do instead of unleashing your five point lecture, say this instead. You know what? I love watching you create and tinker with things. It's amazing how you can picture something in your brain and then sit down and create that using Lego blocks. You can see in three dimensions and you're so good at noticing patterns. That's why you're so good at chess and checkers and arguing with me. See, seeing patterns and using your creativity, those are superpowers you have in life. Now, I would end it right there. You're simply affirming what is true. All of those things you just said are true.

But instead of focusing on all the things they're not doing well, you focus on what they're doing well. Now, you could add, hey, I'd love to hear what you're building while we eat dinner, while we get ready for bed. It's fine too. Here's another one. A slightly older child. Hey David, I've noticed that when you help the Johnsons down the street, you're conscientious, you're respectful, you work really hard, you follow through. They said you even checked in on them today. And that shows me what a big heart you have. And all those qualities, those are going to serve you really well in life. And then you have to walk out of your child's room and drink. I'm kidding. You're just going to feel like it because, look, you have to wrestle with this because inside you're like, how can this child who is so good for other

people, why won't he pick up his socks or turn in simple homework assignments or practice at sports? Because he's got so much potential. By the way, watch that phrase. Strike that from your language. If you would just apply yourself, it's not motivating. It's a horrible phrase. If you would just practice, you would be so good at sports and piano. Why does this child have to fight you over literally everything else, but he's so amazing for other people see that's your anxiety and fear talking don't poison your child's spirit because of your anxiety and I will tell you very bluntly if you keep doing this and you're only focused on the lecturing and the negativity this child will shut down or they will eventually say you know what screw it and screw you because nothing's

ever good enough for you and I can never please you because our anxiety as parents it is a beast that cannot be satisfied and I want you to change this narrative here's another one hey Sophia I realize now that when you argue with me what you're really doing is being assertive about what you need you're being assertive about what you like and you don't like and I never learned those qualities as a child and I kind of got taken advantage of. Now, you don't have to tell her that you married a controlling person or anything or all the other things that happened. But here's what it means, honey. No one's ever going to take advantage of you. It means that when others are hurting or get picked on, see, you've got a sensitive big heart and you will

stand up for them. Because even when it's hard, you always do what is right for people who are hurting. And then you walk out of the room. Now, you can write this for some of your older kids. I would text this or email it to them. Because they often receive it better. And I promise you, they will read this 20 times. Because they've never heard that from some of us. Right? Because it's always been what they're not doing well, and it's negative, and they eventually shut down and say, you're never going to be happy. But when you start calling out these different qualities and noticing them specifically, they will feel seen like, oh, you really get me. I'm telling you, this is more motivating than you can possibly imagine. I know, but they're not doing all these other things, and they're not doing this. Don't I have to pick that out? No, because you've already said it 500 times. They already know what they don't do well. You've been very clear about that.

So you don't have to mention that the way she talks back is disrespectful and she's so stubborn and it makes you uncomfortable. Look, these are kids. They're just learning how to do this for the first time. You and I are 30 and 40 and 50. We're still figuring life out. And you've got kids who are swimming upstream in this world. They're strong kids and they're trying to figure life out. And so this daughter, right, sure she speaks up, but she doesn't do it respectfully all the time. What do you expect? She's learning how to do it. So be patient with her and teach her how to do this. I love that you're speaking up. I love that you're finding your voice and you're independent. You want to do things your own way and you want agency and ownership of your choices. I love that you're finding your voice and you're independent. You want to do things your own way. And you want agency and ownership of your choices. I love those qualities.

Now, the way that you just did that with me, yeah, it's not going to work for you. But man, I love those qualities. And I can show you how to do it. See, that's a lot different than, you know what, young lady? If you continue to use that attitude with me, you're never going to get your car. I thought, does that make sense? They're learning how to do this stuff. So be patient. Discipline means to teach them. I want you to come alongside and teach them how to live life. So moms and dads, here's your homework this week.

Number one, and if this is all you do this coming week, it will be a huge win. Stop. Stop before you lecture, before you correct, before you dump your anxiety. And ask those questions of yourself. By the way, on Instagram, I will take those questions and I'll put them in a couple of our video posts on our reels that we do so you have that written down. But otherwise, take notes, go back and listen to that one. I would listen to this podcast a couple times. In fact, you know what I would do for older kids? You may let them listen to this sometime because there's nothing really bad in this and say, what do you get out of this? Do I do this? Does it feel like I'm always on you?

Does it feel like I'm always lecturing that I'm never happy with you? It may be helpful for them to listen to part of this. And so don't be afraid to share this. So number one, you're going to stop before you say anything. Practice sitting down. It's easy. Can't hurt anything. Plus you get to relax a little bit. And number three, we're going to replace the anxious lectures with just truth.

Specific examples of traits your kids already possess. And this, I promise you, and the dads out there who are like, oh, I'm really wrestling with this. Good, wrestle with it. But I'm a, and the dads out there who are like, oh, I'm really wrestling with this. Good, wrestle with it. But I'm a dad. I've been there. And I've seen my son wanted to please me. It's just that he never knew how to.

And when I finally showed him that and did this, man, he worked hard for me because he really wanted to please me. And then I was showing him how. So thank you for listening to the podcast. Thanks for sharing it with other parents. We appreciate that. Look, you're busy people and you're taking the time to listen to our podcast and that means a lot to me.

So share it, subscribe to it. If we can help you in any way, let us know. But let's work on this this week and then in the next podcast, I'm gonna give you some more scripts to use. All right, love you all.