Calm Parenting Podcast - 4 Things We Misunderstand About Strong-Willed Children

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Starting point is 00:02:31 for school. Some of you have kids that can't lose at games. Or maybe they don't like new experiences. Well, most of you have kids like this because many of our kids share these same common traits and they're frustrated and it's irritating. And what happens is we usually misinterpret or misjudge our kids' motives. And that will lead to a lot of anger. So I'm on a phone call the other day with a mom and she's like, oh, I feel so guilty. You know, I listened to your Strong Willed Child program. And what I realized was the entire time I have been looking at my child through my own prism of my own, the way my brain works, the way I see life, and I missed it. And I have caused this anger and I feel so bad. And I said, I don't want you to feel

Starting point is 00:03:18 guilty, right? None of this that we do is about feeling guilty. I don't want you to blame yourself. I just want us to be honest with ourselves and realize, oh yeah, I have missed that. Now I can begin to change it, and I change how I interact with my child. If I need to, I apologize. You don't have to grovel. I have been such a terrible parent. No, no groveling. Just an honest statement of, look, does it ever, here's a great question, does it ever feel like I've misjudged your motives? You ask a strong-willed child that, and that will resonate deeply with them because they feel very misunderstood by teachers, by society, by people at church, by their parents, by their friends, by their siblings. And so that resonates very deeply. So I want to take you through

Starting point is 00:04:11 maybe five things we misunderstand about strong-willed children in this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. It's a little bit of a scratchy voice, a little bit of a stuffed up nose from allergies, but I want to do this anyway, even if it sounds a little bit like Rudolph, right? With his stuffy nose sound. So if you need help, find us at celebratecalm.com. Email our son Casey. He was, all the things that I'm going to talk about are traits that Casey had when he was a kid. And we had 1,500 kids like this come through our home. So if you need help, reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com because he understands your kids. He was one and still is in some of these things. So here's number one. Do you have a child who does minimal work

Starting point is 00:05:06 just to get by, right? Now we will often say, well, that child is lazy. This is really important for you. I don't see it as laziness. He's not motivated, right? There's a difference between being lazy and just not being motivated, right? And so that's a huge one with these kids, right? And what it really is, look, these are smart kids. And what this child knows is, look, grades don't matter in middle school. So why would I do extra work and exert myself to do difficult things if they don't matter and if I don't care about them, right? Look, grades are an arbitrary thing. They just are. They don't really measure intelligence. They're an arbitrary thing. Now, I get why they're important, right? But they're arbitrary, and the strong-willed child knows this.

Starting point is 00:06:06 So think about it from their perspective. Why would I work extra hard at something that is fairly arbitrary, that doesn't really measure intelligence, and that in some ways really won't have a big impact on my life? Now, I know your anxiety says, no, it will have a big impact. If they don't get good grades, they can't graduate, they can't go to a good college, and they can't get a good job. And I realize statistically and probability-wise, that is a factor. I get that. I'm not denying that. But it's also not true that what you do in seventh grade determines how successful you're going to be in life.

Starting point is 00:06:48 Because success is driven not just by grades, not just by where you went to college or how you went to college. Success isn't even defined necessarily by what you do for a living. I know a lot of very bright people that are very successful in that, but they're terrible at relationships or vice versa, right? I know a lot of people who didn't do great in school, but they had street smarts and they kill it as entrepreneurs. So I don't want to get into that debate. What I want you to realize is most of the time, it's not just a lazy kid, it's an unmotivated kid and what you really need your spent time what you need to spend your time on is not trying to convince them to be motivated by what it motivates you but to discover what motivates them that's the important part because otherwise you will spend their entire childhood just trying to convince

Starting point is 00:07:47 them to care about the things that you care about. And in the end, they will cause the opposite response for them and they'll shut down even more. And you have found that to be true. So let's stop doing what we're doing. So I have a challenge for you. If you have a child who plays video games, do this sometime. Walk into the room when they're playing their video games. Sit down, observe, watch. Now they're going to be freaked out like, what are you doing? Because usually you're just lecturing me about this. But sometimes say this, you know, I've noticed something about you when you play video games. When you play video games, you exhibit all the traits necessary to be wildly successful in life. You're goal oriented, you're driven, you're persistent. Because when you have a goal in your video game to get to the next level, right, to win,

Starting point is 00:08:48 you are driven, you're conscientious, you pay attention to detail, right? You don't give up until you win. You will play this game again and again. You don't eat, you don't sleep, you don't do your chores, you don't do your homework, you don't go to the bathroom, you don't eat. You don't sleep. You don't do your chores. You don't do your homework. You don't go to the bathroom. You don't do anything until you win. Now, you don't have to say all those things. You can think some of them, right? But the truth is this. If you looked at that child and said, because look, when I hear you playing your video games, I hear leadership. I see you as confident. And these are all the qualities necessary to be successful in life and sometimes I miss that because I'm too busy lecturing you about school but here's what I do

Starting point is 00:09:34 know when you are ready and when you care and when you're motivated you have everything you need to be successful in life. And then you get up and walk out of the room. That is sowing seeds inside your child's heart and brain because it will resonate with them because when they do play video games, they do exhibit these traits. Find those times. Hey, when you are doing something for that lady down the street, for a teacher at school,

Starting point is 00:10:08 when you're working on a special project for someone other than me, what I notice is you are conscientious. You do follow through. You take great care. You do it with a great attitude. And I love that about you. And what that tells me is later in life, when you're out of the home, when you're on your own, you will exhibit all these traits and it's going to be awesome. See, isn't that a lot better than why can't you ever do this? You have such a bad attitude. You're lazy. You don't push through when things get hard.

Starting point is 00:10:43 Start finding places and times when they do that and affirm that and sow that seeds and create that vision in their brains, right? Rather than speaking, honestly, death and failure. How are you ever going to succeed if you do that? Let's do that this week, right? That will change how your child sees himself or herself. Second one, and I have a feeling that this is going to go a little bit longer than I want, but let's give it a shot. These are going to be shorter. Being direct, having a strong opinion. Our son Casey came out of the womb with marching. He didn't walk. He didn't toddle, he marched. He came out of the womb arguing for one, but he marched, right? And he is very, very direct in how he does things and says things.

Starting point is 00:11:36 And what I'm asking you to do when your child's a little bit older is stop wondering, like, I can't believe that he does that. Why would you say I can't believe that he would talk that way? It's the way that your child has talked since he started talking. Casey is a very direct kid. That makes him very successful in a lot of different situations because people can count on him to tell them what he really thinks and to take charge in situations where there is chaos, Casey steps up. Why? Because that's who he is. And does he sometimes talk to me,

Starting point is 00:12:14 even to this day, as his dad and his boss in a way that I sometimes misinterpret at first as defiance? Of course he does. But I step back and I think, this is who my son is. He's not being defiant. He just has strong opinions. And I just talked to him last night about something. I was like, you know what? You were right about that, Casey.

Starting point is 00:12:38 And he goes, yeah, I just wanted to hear you say it. Right? And we laughed about it. And I want you to laugh about some of these things rather than trying to fight everything and wonder like, what are we going to do with these kids? You need to learn to accept your kids on a deep, deep level. If you struggle with that, go through, get the everything package because in there is the Strong Willed Child Program, which is foundational, which I guarantee if you allow your kids to listen to it they'll be

Starting point is 00:13:05 like yeah that's me so there's nothing wrong with me and the answer is no there's nothing wrong with you everybody's trying to change you but they don't need to what they need to do is cultivate in you and pull out of you all of those gifts and passions so let your kids listen that one and you also get with it the No BS Instruction Manual for Strong Willed Kids. And in there, we go through how to accept your child on a deep level, how to connect with them in deep ways. And there's 25 specific action steps in that. Number three, this was great. Mom comes up to me at a workshop. So live event, take a little three minute break. She's like, you know, my child's late for school a lot. And I think he just does it to be irritating to me.

Starting point is 00:13:53 And I paused for a second. I said, I have a different thought. I may not be right, but here's what I think. I think your child is late for school sometimes because he wants you to drive him to school. Because what he's really missing is one-on-one time with you. He wants to be mommied a little bit. He wants that time. He wants that connection. This was a kid who is about to go into middle school. And so they're in that awkward phase between being the little boy and now being expected to be more grown-up kid with a lot of hormonal changes. And a lot of boys,

Starting point is 00:14:34 and even girls, but a lot of boys at that age aren't going to say, Mom, you know, I really miss some of our time together. Sometimes I just want you to be my mom. Sometimes I just like that time together because it's comforting to me. Most kids aren't going to say that. One, they may not even know that they want that. And two, it's pretty awkward to say. So here's what this child does. He's late in the morning. And what happens? Well, his mom gets frustrated and yells at him a little bit, but she ends up driving him to school. And during that drive to school, guess what he's not doing? He's not on that school bus, which can be pretty overwhelming and awkward for a middle school or high school kid. I didn't like the school bus. It's awkward. It's all these people, and there's

Starting point is 00:15:19 people who are loud, and there's the popular people. And you didn't always get picked on, but sometimes you got ignored. And sometimes that's even worse in some ways than getting picked on because now you're just this child that gets ignored over there and you feel like an outcast. But when I'm in the car with my mom and I have some flashbacks to my own childhood where I was this anxious kid and I would have to go for like a dental appointment that we lived in Baltimore down to Johns Hopkins and so my mom I got to miss school my mom would take me and we'd go to the cafeteria which was awful food at the hospital but when you're a kid you get to go eat

Starting point is 00:15:55 a hot dog in the middle of the day instead of being at school and you're with your mom and then after you saw the dentist or had this procedure, she took you by McDonald's afterwards because you faked it a little bit about how sick you were feeling. And my mommy back then would get me a milkshake from McDonald's. Those are great memories. You know why? Because my mom loved me more than anybody else in the entire world. And I love that time with my mom. And I miss my mom. It's Mother's Day was just here. And so I miss my mom. And so those times as a kid, when I got out of school, and we went by McDonald's or we ate those awful, terrible hot dogs at Johns Hopkins University, I love those times. I just wanted to be with my mom,

Starting point is 00:16:46 right? And so this child, so look, this mom comes into a workshop like this, this has been bothering her. My child's just irritating me. And in one moment of insight, she can go home and look at this child and say, he just wants to be with me a little bit. Why don't I take advantage of that sometimes? And then over the course of the next couple weeks say, hey honey, if you just want some special time with me, let's just tell me. Maybe we'll have a code word and maybe what we'll do is you go to school for nine straight days by yourself and then on the 10th day every other Friday. Why don't I take you to school? Maybe on the way to school, we do stop by McDonald's. We stop somewhere and get a smoothie, something healthy, like a kale smoothie. No, just go to McDonald's.

Starting point is 00:17:35 So you know what I'm saying? So watch. It depends how you see your child. And so I want you to dig into this. You know, I get this one all the time. Number four, losing at games, right? Losing at games, right? Well, why is he just controlling? Well, this is what I know. Your child is going to cheat, change the rules of the game, or quit. Is that because he's a poor loser? He has poor sportsmanship?

Starting point is 00:17:59 Well, sure, that's the outward behavior. But he's just trying to control the outcome of the game. See, when you change the rules of the game, trying to control the outcome of the game. See, when you change the rules of the game, you're changing the outcome of the game. Why? Because I don't feel like I have a lot of control over my own life. I don't feel like I have a lot of control on my own brain.

Starting point is 00:18:15 And so I try to control everything on the outside. That's why I'm bossy at times. That's why I wear the same clothes. I eat the same food, right? I do all these things. That's why I carry acorns around in my pocket as a little kid. I'm trying to gain some control over my life, and if I lose at a game, that makes me a loser, and I already feel like a loser because I'm in trouble all the time,

Starting point is 00:18:38 and I'm not the good child in the home. See, it's a confidence issue, much like many sibling issues, right? Siblings pick on other siblings either because they're bored or they feel bad about themselves and they want to put down their sibling, right? So many things that we're looking at, it's not the real thing and you have to dig into that. So I was going to do a fifth one, but I'm going to save it. That thing about your kids not doing new experiences. I want to save that one for another podcast. So this week, let's dig into these things. Observe your kids this week.

Starting point is 00:19:11 It's one of the things you'll learn by listening to our programs. And I encourage you, just go on the website and get it. It's like the cost of a trip to a therapist's office, but you're going to learn more. I guarantee you're going to learn more in that one program, the Strong Willed Child one, more than you've learned in five trips to a therapist's office. It's like the cost of one trip to a therapist's office. Listen to that program and dig in. Observe your kids. They will tell you everything they need by what they do, right? And so you observe and you begin, your attitude towards your child changes,

Starting point is 00:19:48 your tone of voice changes, your discussions change, and what you notice changes, and you begin seeing things that you missed before, and your child knows, oh, you're getting it now. You're not just judging me and misjudging me and misinterpreting everything I'm saying. You're really understanding me. Remember those moms podcasts that I just did? So many moms wrote in and said, I finally felt like I wasn't alone,

Starting point is 00:20:19 like someone finally understood what it's like and what I go through and why I make those decisions sometimes to give in or get through the moment because I have so much that I have to do. It feels the same way for your kids to finally feel understood. And they're not always going to feel understood at school or by society. But I want mom and dad, and I need dads involved in this too. Kudos to the dads who are listening to this. Dad, you've got to be in there because if you're holding back like, well, he's just a difficult child. I'm going to withhold. It's going to be my way or the highway. You are going to destroy the very child that you love and that you want to raise to be the successful child.

Starting point is 00:21:04 They're not going to get there because they don't have the deep acceptance of their father. And they will search for that their entire lives, literally their entire lives, because some of you as men are doing that to this day. You're still trying to get your dad's approval through your work, whatever it is, because you never got it. Break that generational pattern today. Now, apologize to that child. Dig into this. Put as much effort into understanding your child and your wife as you have into building your career, into being an expert in your field, into your fantasy football picks, right? Some of you do that. Put as much analysis and care and understanding into understanding your child and your wife

Starting point is 00:21:58 as you do into those things. It will open up a new world to you that you will find so satisfying. But if you don't do that, you will grow into an old man who regrets this. And I don't want you to do that. I know that was a little bit strong and I didn't even have that in my notes to say, but that usually means it's good. I got to go. Love you all. If you need help, reach out to us. Bye-bye.

Calm Parenting Podcast - 4 Things We Misunderstand About Strong-Willed Children

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