Calm Parenting Podcast - “5 More Minutes, Mom!” Getting Resistant Kids to Move

Episode Date: July 16, 2019

“5 More Minutes, Mom!” Getting Resistant Kids to Move This is a killer podcast, so don’t miss it! Your child dawdles, ignores you, or simply refuses to do what you say. Kirk shows you a tough way to handle this, and an even better way that will change your child’s attitude entirely. You CAN turn the worst power struggles into bonding opportunities. This will help you save countless fights throughout the day. Want to turn all those power struggles into bonding opportunities? Then get the new No B.S. Program or attend our two new Parent BootCamps in D.C. and Dallas. Learn more at https://www.celebratecalm.com/camps/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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really, really good example of how to turn a power struggle into a bonding moment. Because I've gotten a bunch of emails this past week from people who got the No BS program. There's 25 steps in there. And one of the steps is how to actually turn your most common power struggles into bonding moments. And so people are really kind of grooving on that right now because it's a really cool thing when you can take something that really irritates you and it usually is a source of friction and tension and mom and dad getting upset, when you can actually turn that around and use it to your advantage is an awesome thing. So if you just put some time

into that, and that's what I want you to do with this program is, you know, I don't want you just to rush through the program. There's a workbook, there's cheat sheets, there's written stuff. As you go through our stuff, take some time, right? This is not just like, oh, I'm going to read a book and then I'm done. I want you to really wrestle with this stuff. And so when you get to this action step and you start writing down, okay, what's a common power struggle with our child? How do we normally handle it? What's the normal response and reaction to that? And then I start to say, well well what if I did the opposite how can I and you'll hear in the boot camp program BS program no BS program and other things here's talking about instead of fighting things entering in so let me give you an example

and this one is from one of our boot camps a great mom came out mom and dad got two boys both strong-willed but we're talking about an eight-year-old. And he struggles in school a little bit more. He's been diagnosed as dyslexic. By the way, for your kids who have been diagnosed as dyslexic, no, they're going to be really, really frustrated kids. And you're going to have to be really patient with schoolwork and especially homework. By the time they get home from school, they are so tapped out. It is just brutal for them. So try not to, I'm not going to say try, don't. Just don't assume, well, you're just not even working hard. You know, they're tapped out, so it's going to be frustrating. So I want them to get some exercise beforehand. I want

to create a success when they come home from school before I dive into doing more things that are extremely difficult for them. He's the most defiant, bossy, and super, super intense child they have. He's exhausting, and lately he's obsessed with sports. He always has a ball in his hand at all times. One of the things you'll learn in our program, one of the other insights is you just got to observe your kids, right? So if he always has a ball in his hands, well, how do I use that? It means it's something comfortable to him. It means it's stimulating. He enjoys it. There's probably a tactile sensory part to it. So if I'm reviewing vocabulary words with him, I'm going to do it while he's got the ball in his hand, maybe spinning it on one finger.

You know, we're a great place. Oh, we'll work into that. We'll do a great place to do it while he's got the ball in his hand, maybe spinning it on one finger. You know, we're a great place. Oh, we'll work into that. We'll do a great place to do homework with this kid. But anyway, I want to use those things. Instead of fighting it all the time, if I'm his teacher, I'm going to have like a soft little Nerf ball or something. And when I want to have a conversation with him or I ask him a question, I'm going to toss him this little ball. Because then when he's playing with it and feeling it, it's working out his tension and stimulating his brain. It'll probably help him learn better, right?

So, look, I could stop the podcast right then. And I think that's enough for us today. Observe your kids and then begin using what you observe to your advantage instead of fighting it all the time. But we're not going to stop there. Let's keep going. So our biggest challenge with this son is when it's time to come inside for the night, whether it's to eat dinner, take a bath, read, go to bed, he pushes and pushes. By the way, of course he is. Who wants to come and take a bath and read and go to bed? I'd rather be outside too. So we've got to get him inside, right? So I'm not making excuses. I'm just saying, of course he pushes for more time, right? So it's always five

more minutes. You know, mom, I'll come in when I get five shots in a row, right? I'm not hungry. That's a great one, right? I'm not hungry. I'm not tired, right? It's great. You know, you've got to step back. Love your kids, right? Who reasonably expects a child, an eight-year-old boy who's having a great time outside to come when his parents say, come in, come do all the things you least want to do right now, and then go to bed instead of doing something really fun. I mean, what human being has their first response? Okay, mom and dad, right away. I'm just saying, step back a little bit and realize. It's like this summer, I've seen moms and dads at the beach are like,

honey, come on, are you ready to get out of the water now? No, of course not. I get one week at the beach are like, honey, come on, are you ready to get out of the water now? No, of course not. I get one week at the beach every year. Swimming in the ocean is the most fun activity on the face of the planet for many of your kids. And then think what you're saying. Hey, you know that thing that you get to do once a year and it's more fun than anything else you'll ever do in your life? Hey, get out of the water and then come up and you're going to take a shower and then we're going to put you on uncomfortable clothes and go out to dinner to some seafood restaurant where the smell is going to make you

sick and you're going to get in trouble because you can't sit still at the table. Ready? Right? Like that's not natural. So if like I watch parents on the beach, I'm like, well, he's just difficult. I'm like, no, maybe your attitude toward it needs to change. It's not that you allow your kids to get away with things and be like, okay, just stay in. But you've got to realize their mindset and that they're not just being rebellious and difficult because they don't want to get out of the ocean to go get yelled at or because they don't want to come inside from playing basketball to take a stupid shower and eat a meal they don't want to eat and then go to bed right like this so it helps knowing that so that your tone changes and you don't get immediate like i don't understand why you can't do what we tell

you to do it's not that hard well, so he doesn't want to do, you know, I want to play basketball. So the mom, dad, good parents, like, how do we, how do we change this? Because this scene replicates itself night after night. Look, you've got a couple options. You can double down on the consequences. And I don't have a problem with that at all. Look, here's one. Look, Jacob, look. I'm going to give you seven more minutes. Seven minutes.

When this basketball buzzer or music goes off, because I like nonverbals, right? He likes basketball, so get like a little air horn or something, right? You must be inside within 35 seconds. Look, I'm playing to his interest in college basketball. The shot clock limit is 35 seconds. For every minute that you are late coming in, you forfeit 15 minutes of play time tomorrow night, right? I have no problem with that. We call it in our curriculum. You'll hear it in our CDs and stuff. Time for time. I did that with my son all the time. You take seven minutes of my time, it's going to cost you 45 minutes of your time, pal.

Don't mess with me. Every minute you are late, you end up losing 15 minutes or forfeiting 15 minutes the following night, right? I have no problem with the tough route. It may actually work in this situation as he begins to see you're not causing a lot of drama. You're just letting him know there's a shot clock. He's got some time, but if he abuses that privilege, it ends up costing him. And you don't, when you follow through, you're not gonna be like, you know what? We told you last night, if you would have come in on time, you would have been, wait, cut the snotty stuff out. There's no need for it. Just let them know this is how I roll. When I ask you to come in, expect you

to come in. Give you seven more minutes. You got to be in within 35 seconds. That's your shot clock, my friend. Shot clock isn't, look, if you're playing on my basketball team and you're being selfish on the court, guess what? Second half or the game tomorrow night, you're not on the court, my friend. It's just how I roll. That's how a coach rolls and that's how I'm going to roll. So that may work and you have every right to do that, but it also may devolve into more power struggles. So let me use this as an example of turning power struggles into bonding moments and entering in. What if you were to go outside sometime? And I do like dads doing this. Mom, you can do it too, but I love father and son. I love this great moment. And for

dads, sometimes we struggle with this. Like, you know what? When I tell you to get in, you get in. When I was a kid, if I'd stayed outside, I'm not going to tell you one more time. And I guarantee you do that over and over and over again. Father and son are not going to like each other. There's going to be continual friction. Their mom's going to get upset at dad. And it's going to create this whole thing, right? It just doesn't work. So cut it out.

So what if mom or dad were to go outside and instead of just calling them in, say, you know what I love about you, Jacob? I love that you want to be outside. See, because all the other kids in the neighborhood, have you noticed? None of them are out here. Can you hear how quiet it is in our neighborhood? You know why? Because all of them have their faces buried in a screen. See, they're trying to get more time playing their video games. But you know what I like about you? Is you're outside. You're doing something physical and you're passionate about basketball. You know what else I like about you? Your dedication. You're out here shooting foul shots. You've got persistence

because you want to get better. So you know what I see? I see dedication. I see persistence. I see discipline right now at getting better at foul shots. And I love that quality in you. Now inside what you're thinking is, I'd love to see the same qualities with chores and schoolwork and homework and picking up your bedroom. But don't say that. That's where you get in trouble. And I forbid you because we all want to do that. You know what? You're really good at being persistent and dedicated at shooting foul shots. You know, honey, if you would just take those same qualities and apply them to picking up your bedroom and to studying, you can have better... If you do that stuff,

you just ruined the moment, right? It's that, hey, great job, but... So stop that stuff. Stop it, please, because you're going to ruin your relationship with this child, and he's going to end up just being negative all the time, and you're just going to have continual power struggles, but watch, I just went out and said, I love that you're out here, I love that you're outside, that your face isn't buried in the screen, thank you that we don't have to fight over screens all the time, thank you, that's a gift, and I love that you're persistent, I love your dedication. You know, if you, so let's go a little bit further with this of entering in and turning the power struggle. So what if you were to get out there and start shooting foul shots with him?

What if you were to say, so show me, because you wanted to, you know what I love? I love that he said, let me get five in a row. I was so much like that as a kid, and I still am. I still like to end on a win on doing that. There's a little bit of an OCD quality in there too. It's like tidying things up. It's making sure like, no, I can't come in until I get five in a row. right so recognize that he's telling you something about himself by all of this and if you will slow down and listen to your kids and watch what they do it will tell you so much about them but part of the reason i'm so passionate about you coming to our boot camp and listening to the no bs program and all of these things by the way go to our website uh now right after this look up um do it even right now while you're listening, celebratecalm.com. You'll see two tabs.

You're going to see one up front for No BS. It's a phenomenal program. Get it. Listen to it. Work through it. It will change your relationship with this child. This is cool, cool stuff that can take you from lecturing and yelling and being at odds with your child and always being frustrated

to having a really close bond with him. Look, there's a tab called camps. We've got two boot camps left for the rest of the year where you get six hours to be with me. If you do the boot camp, you get the No BS program free so you can listen to that first so when you show up at the boot camp, you've got questions and we'll work through it. So look that stuff up. Anyway, what an awesome opportunity for you to sit and shoot foul shots and say, so what are you learning about this?

You know what? I've noticed you're getting better at your foul shots. What have you learned? Instead of you going in and saying, well, if you would do this, because he's more likely to ask you for help once you've acknowledged what he's doing well, right? Play a game of horse, laugh, play, be a little bit physical, encourage, teach your child. Remember that phrase we use sometimes before you get compliance, you have to connect, connect before compliance. Well, now you've connected, and now you can use, we teach in the programs, this low tone of voice, right? So now you just

shot some foul shots. You just had a little game. You've been a little bit physical. That's good, right? It's good. Some of your kids are very physical, so do that, right? You've encouraged and you've taught and you've connected. Now you can just say, hey, good game. Listen, it's time to go in now. While we're eating, while you're taking your bath, why don't we talk about some different strategies that you can use in your game Saturday morning? Because I've noticed you're really good at posting up. I've noticed you're really good at driving to the right. You know what? Why not tomorrow night? Tomorrow night, right? We've got to go in right now. See, I'm leading. We've got to go in right now. We're going in. But when we do, let's talk about, hey, you know what? If you can learn how to dribble

with your left hand and dribble to the left, man, now you've got opportunities for the right and left. So you're entering in instead of like, stop playing basketball. Why do you always have to have a ball in your hands? Now I'm using that to my advantage and I draw them into a conversation and I'm breathing into it instead of fighting it all of the time. And I guarantee you, if you will do things like that, you'll create amazing memories that you and your son will remember forever. And I guarantee when he's older, he's going to tell his kids, yeah, my mom used to come out, my dad used to come out, and it would be dark. And then my dad, we were

having such a good time. My dad, look, this almost made me cry for a second. It made me not cry, but it made me a little, I felt a little tinge in there, kind of like a little bit of a crying thing of like, with my dad, because my dad, as many of you know, was not always the greatest dad, but he played sports with us. And there were times, this is something my dad would have done. It's what I did with Casey. He would have gone in, gotten his car keys, come out, turn the car on and blasted and put the headlamps on. So we could have played a little bit after dark. Can you picture this now of this kid coming in and now dad's got his arm or mom's got his arm around the child. And they just bonded over this time where they got to break the rules a little bit. Because all the other kids were in, especially now, I know it's summer, but if you do this during the school year, because during the school year, there's got to be a certain time.

You've got to keep your routines. I get that. But once in a while, break the rules because all the other kids in the neighborhood are in, which they are anyway because they're on stupid screens. But now you just broke the rules. And look, if you're a little kid and your mom and your dad just went in and got his car keys and turned the lights on on his car so that you could keep shooting foul shots and playing after dark, I guarantee you when you walk in the house, that kid's going to do what you want because you just connected with him, right? And you can mix these strategies up because you can do that second one of bonding for a few days,

but let them know, say, listen, Jay, I'm really enjoying this time with you, but some nights are just code red nights. You can't play outside. I'm not going to turn the lights on. You simply need to be the team leader and do what I tell you to do. You need to lead by example to your younger brother, and you need to come in when I ask you to, right? So when I say, hey, Jacob, it's code red night tonight, right? Listen, you got to get your little butt in, right? That's just how we work sometimes. But it's not, but you've already bonded with him other nights and you're showing him, yes, sometimes we can do it and sometimes we don't. But when I tell you to come in, I expect you to do what I say, but he's more likely to listen to you. If you've bonded, you can even do the code red night. Cause that may be a night you've got to go to bed.

You're going somewhere, whatever it is, or you're just tired and you don't feel like shooting foul shots because some nights you don't. Some nights are a code red night. It's just that some of you, your child's entire life is code red. It's always no, no, no, no, no all the time. So you've got to, you can't do that all the time. You've got to give them things that they can do, and you've got to bond with them over this. This is a really cool thing that you can do, because when you do that, now when you do need to lay down the law and you need something, and I remember I did this a lot with my son. I'd say, Case, listen, it's just one of those nights. You just need to trust me. You need to get your butt inside, right?

And when you come inside and you're in the shower or you're eating dinner, here's what we'll talk about. So I can still lead or, listen, we've got to roll because your sister has a soccer game. We've got this going on. Mom needs this. We've got to visit your grandmother in the hospital. So we've got to go. So you need to come inside, wash up, grab a snack on the way to the hospital. Listen, this is what we could talk about because I've got some ideas for you.

I was watching this game last night, basketball game. I've got some ideas. We're still connecting, but we're getting the child to move. And so I want you to begin to use this process. And this is what we do in the boot camp and the No BS program is how do you use the same process for morning routine, for getting kids off video games, for dinner time, moving kids more quickly, going to church, whatever your power or doing chores, how can you enter in and create power struggles? Because if you begin to do this, and I want you to imagine, imagine that scene. We just turned a power struggle into a bonding moment. And if you

learn to do these things, you can save literally hundreds of fights throughout your child's childhood. And look, if you've got older kids, it's not too late. You can begin doing this stuff when your child's 14, when they're 17. But do it now. Do it over the summer while there's no school stress. If we can help you out with this, let us know. Email my son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. And if you need help financially with any of these programs, ask for the help. If you sign up for boot camp, you get the No BS program free. If you need help financially, ask for it.

We like assertive people. But this week, I want you to begin working on this and turn one of the power struggles into a bonding moment. And boom, we got this done in under 20 minutes. Pretty cool, huh? Hey, thanks for being a good parent. Thanks for being invested. If we can help you out, let us know.

If you want to bring us to your school, your church, your foster care, adoption agency, to your corporation, reach out to the kid, Casey. He'll help you out. He's an awesome young man, and he can help you out. Anything we can help you with, just let us know. We're here for the long haul, and we want to see this relationship repaired and rebuilt. Thanks so much. Bye-bye.