Calm Parenting Podcast - 5 Quick Tips To De-Escalate Meltdowns & Sibling Fights During Chaotic Holiday Break

Episode Date: December 27, 2024

5 Quick Tips To De-Escalate Meltdowns & Sibling Fights During Chaotic Holiday Break You have tired, irritable kids who are bored, out of their routine, and bugging each other. You’ll be tempted to double down on consequences in the moment—which spiral into huge meltdowns (and fights between spouses!). So how can you de-escalate tense standoffs and sibling fights, in the moment, instead of ruining entire days?! Kirk gives you tons of strategies and scripts in less than 20 minutes! We have extended our Christmas Sale for one final week! Visit https://celebratecalm.com/calm-christmas/ to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. Get practical strategies that really work with your strong-willed kids. AG1 AG1 is offering new subscribers a FREE $76 gift when you sign up. You’ll get a Welcome Kit, a bottle of D3 & K2 AND 5 free travel packs in your first box. So make sure to check out https://drinkag1.com/calm to see what gift you can get this week! HAPPY MAMMOTH It's time to feel like yourself again, Moms! For a limited time, you can get 15% off on your entire first order at https://store.happymammoth.com/ with the code CALM at checkout. OneSkin OneSkin is the world’s first skin longevity company. Get started today with 15% off using code KIRK at https://oneskin.co.  MeUndies Kids To get 20% off your first order of MeUndies Kids, plus free shipping, go to https://www.meundies.com/calmpod and enter promo code calmpod. MeUndies—comfort from the outside in.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Only $6 at A&W's in Ontario. Experience A&W's classic breakfast on now. Dine dollars at ANW's in Ontario. Experience ANW's classic breakfast on now. Dine in only until 11 a.m. Okay it is that wonderful but dreaded holiday time. Christmas is over and now everyone is together and so situations are escalating. You've got everybody is tired. They're not sleeping well. All the kids are amped up. They're off their regular routine, probably eating poorly. There's all this pressure to have a great time with family. You've got

judgmental family or family who's just watching you do your parenting with a strong-willed child. Siblings are together all day, all night long. You know, it's even harder sometimes. Spouses are together all day, all night long. You know it's even harder sometimes. Spouses are together all day and all night long because usually you're not together that much and that's going to cause some issues. And what I want you to know is this is perfectly normal. It would be weird if people were emailing like, man everything's just going so smoothly. Everybody's getting to get along so well together. My spouse and I are on the same page,

and we're disciplining and doing everything perfectly aligned. That would be weird. So I want you to know this is normal, but I'm doing this extra podcast now because I want to give you some de-escalation reminders over the holidays. So this may be a little bit more disjointed because I didn't give you some de-escalation reminders over the holidays. So this may be a little bit more disjointed because I didn't write all this out.

I have some notes and I've got some really good things that are gonna help you. So that's what we're gonna discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com and we have extended our Christmas sale because you need it.

And so here are some proactive things that you can begin doing now. And then I'll give you some tools to use in the moment when it's hitting the fan. So I'm just going to throw out some random things here. One is split up the kids. Sometimes if you can, you could one parent takes one or two kids and the other parent takes the other kids and just you just get some separation time. Never feel guilty about doing that. If you're a single parent, have an uncle or grandparent take one or two of the kids. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

Get outside. I don't care if you're in Minnesota or Alaska. Get outside. I don't care if you're in Minnesota or Alaska. Get outside, exercise. Fresh air changes moods. Mix it up a little bit. When you're indoors all day together, everybody will irritate each other. Why? Because that's just human nature and sometimes just mixing it up. Even if you do a treasure hunt,

just throw some stuff out in the snow and have your kids go find it. Throw some food out there. They'll love foraging for food. I'm kind of being facetious, but not really. A lot of your kids, if you were like, hey, bet you can't eat like a cow or a dog outside. I'm going to throw some mac and cheese out on the ground. Many of you have kids who would love doing that and it's not going to hurt them. So just do it. It's fun.

But you can do treasure hunts of all kinds outside get outside and play some it just changes things and they need That sensory exercise a lot Come up with some kind of structure if you want to this time You could do a thing where say there's five or six days you have left in this come up with a rough plan of like hey Tuesday taco Tuesday it could be on Wednesday is going to be some kind of game day where you play a specific kind of game whether it's board games which are not always fun with Strongwell Kids because they change the rules of game cheat and quit but it

could be that you go to a certain place on certain days Service project doing something for grandma and grandpa or someone down the street. It could be a day where you Where you run a little business and set something up to make a little bit of money with the kids It could be art project day. Just come up with some kind of loose structure to it so they have something to count on. Make a rough plan maybe for the next day so at least you start the day with some successes. Remember during this time it's all chaotic. Give your kids something they feel in control of. I would also build in some downtime because sometimes during the holidays,

we're like, hey, we're gonna go to a museum, then we're gonna go to a movie, and then we're gonna do this. Build in some structured boredom time where they just have time to themselves. Even if your kids, if you're visiting with family or family's visiting, find some spaces. Even if you allow your child to go up

and just sit alone in your closet, many of your kids would love that. They just need some decompression time and so do you. Remember, don't feel bad about taking time away from extended family. You don't have bad about taking time away from extended family. You don't have to spend every minute together for three or four days or a week. Take your own kids out and just do something you enjoy doing. Sibling issues.

Look, rough housing, perfectly okay within reasonably safe boundaries. Many of you grew up you you were a only child or I get the emails a lot of like well I only had sisters. Look kids are supposed to rough house. Rough housing is really really important for your kids brain development. Just make sure it's not one child bullying or picking. We don't want one child who's just constantly picking on the other one. But if a couple kids are willingly roughhousing,

you just know that they're going to get hurt, right? That's nor they're going to cry. That's not fair. It's part of it's a normal part of childhood and they need to do it. And if your husband is involved with it, there is a lot of research on how important it is for dads to play and rough house with their kids.

And there's a release of all kinds of bonding chemicals in the brain that happen during that time. You can put boundaries and say, hey, if you guys are going to rough house, you have to do it outside. So I've done a ton on siblings. So look up those podcasts. If you have our programs, we have an entire program on stop sibling fights. Listen to that over the holidays. By the way, let your kids listen to that. If you wanna do a punishment, so to speak, you know we don't do punishment,

we teach through discipline, but if you wanted to call it a punishment, make your kids listen to that and say, you guys are gonna be siblings for the rest of your lives. You listen to us. You come back to us with a plan and I'm not doing this to be self-serving. We are getting so many emails from parents who are having their kids listen to even the adult parenting part of the program. It's not just the kids ones and the kids are finding it enlightening and they're coming up with solutions.

I just got an email from a mom. She's like, I am a Muslim mom in a different country. We're in Australia and every day after school, my kids, we listen to the programs and they find the situations relatable and it gives them ideas. Enough that wasn't meant to be a commercial. I mean, that is a very real strategy that this is an important thing to do teaching your kids. It's really cool. So here are a couple more sibling ones. Look you can with the siblings you can just say look you guys we have two options. I can give you guys some space

and you can figure it out show me that you're growing up that you're mature enough or I can just come in and I can make the decisions for you and I can just separate you I can take things away tell me what you want to do because I want to teach through the discipline time I'll do one quick sibling thing let's say this they're fighting squabbling in the living room instead of coming in you know what I buy guys all these toys, I buy all this great stuff for Christmas and you can't even play well together for 20 minutes,

right, you're just adding your own drama. And usually we're like, you go to your room, you go to your room. Sometime walk into the living room. This is a great de-escalation thing for any situation. Walk in the living room and lie down on the living room floor or just sit in a chair. Just try it sometime.

You will change the entire dynamic of the situation, not by changing siblings, your kids behavior, but by controlling your own first because they're going to look at you like, what are you doing? You are weird. And now you have taken back control of the situation and you can look at the provoking child because there's usually the strong will provoking child and that child just needs a lot of brain intensity. So that child picks on his or her siblings because they get the reaction. So I can say, hey I know what's going on in here. You've got this amazing brain and it's really intense and you like intensity and one of your your biggest enemies in

life is boredom. When you get bored you pick on your siblings but that doesn't work well for you because then you lose all your stuff and get in trouble But I've got to go get started on dinner. I'm gonna go for a walk I'm gonna go do X if you want to come join me I bet we could come up with three different ways for you to stimulate that brain in positive ways Because you know what I know about you. You've got a big heart You love helping other people and you love money not Not in a bad way. Your kids are born entrepreneurs. So if you want to come help me,

I bet we could come up with three different ways for you to earn some money. And then with that money, we could donate some of that to something like St. Jude's because they help kids with cancer and I'll even match whatever you give. See now I'm teaching that child how to use his or her brain in a positive way. And then I can teach the other child who's always reacting to this child how to use his or her brain in a positive way. And then I can teach the other child who's always reacting to this child how to control themselves. Now the best way to teach them

is when you learn how to control your own reactions to them. Okay, so let's move on to kind of in the moment when stuff is hitting the fan, how do we handle that? Tired of renting and paying your landlord's mortgage instead of your own? Start investing in your future with a Questrade Tax-Free First Home Savings Account. The sooner you start, the faster your down payment can grow, tax free. But remember, the contribution deadline is December 31st. Open your Questrade FHSA online today in just a few minutes. As a Fizz member you can look forward to free data, big savings on plans, and having your unused

data roll over to the following month every month. At Fizz you always get more for your money. Terms and conditions for our different programs and policies apply details at fizz.ca. So I want you to wake up every morning and know that there is a very real possibility that you're going to have chaos in your home and people are going to be fighting and your kids are going to be unhappy at times. We've talked about that on previous podcasts about not owning their happiness. Remember it is their boredom to solve. It is not your boredom.

Their mood does not determine your mood. Their attitude doesn't cause you to react. Just know that kids are going to be a little bit more emotional during these times. You're going to have meltdowns. So know that. Know that it's normal. I want you as moms and dads to practice your own self care. And this isn't like, oh, just do self care stuff.

No, it's really important. It is a strategy that I use because if I don't take care of myself, I will then react too much and now my kids have to take care of my emotions for me because I didn't take care of myself proactively. So whatever it is for you, whether it's getting up a little early and going for a run, doing some kind of exercise, having quiet time, reading scripture, whatever it is, meditation, whatever it is for you, do that so that you're prepared. Now here's the big one I want you to remind you of and this is kind of why I want to do this podcast. Do not double down in the moment. Stuff is going to happen.

Your kids are going to do things wrong. They're gonna have a bad attitude. They're gonna misbehave. They're gonna steal stuff from their siblings and from you. Whatever it is, they're gonna lie. And we're gonna go, initially you're gonna go with the consequences, right? You're gonna start down that path.

And then your child isn't going to listen to you or they're gonna come back at you with attitude or they're gonna to come back at you with attitude or they're going to start screaming more and that's usually when we as parents say you know what you already lost this for one week you keep that up you're gonna lose it for two or because you just reacted that way and you didn't apologize to your sister right away now I'm going to add on extra consequences to you now here's what I want you to know don't do now I'm going to add on extra consequences to you. Now here's what I want you to know. Don't do that. I'm hearing parents doing that all the time and all it does is escalate the situation until it's like a four hour blow up. You've been there

before. It may have happened earlier today for you. Don't double down. When you see that cycle start to happen, it's kind of like that, well if you don't or if you do, here's what's going to happen. Catch yourself. Just catch yourself. I want you in that moment. Walk away. Here's a quick one. I need to go to the bathroom. Because that gives you a minute and a half to go to the bathroom and just calm yourself down. Change the environment. Go for a ride. Say, oh, you know what? I just remembered we forgot something from the store.

You want to go along with me? And I've just changed the dynamic there a little bit. I'm getting some movement. I'm moving out of that tense place where I'm looking at this kid and this kid has a bad attitude, is not listening to me, is disobeying me, is right. All these things and they're not responding to it and we just keep escalating. I want you to practice de-escalating. There's nothing wrong with walking away in that moment or going for a drive to get something from the store or going and grabbing a couple tacos from

Taco Bell. Whatever it is during that moment, here's another one that you can do. Oh you know what I remember I just remembered I need some help with something in the garage in the backyard. Do it is during that moment. Here's another one that you can do. Oh, you know what? I remember, I just remembered I need some help with something in the garage in the backyard. Do you think you could move that for me? Are you strong enough to lift that? That would really help me out in that moment. Create a success. Well, aren't we just letting the child get away with things? No, you don't have to take care of every single issue in the next minute and a half. A lot of us as dads fall into that pattern because we're like,

I'm just going to nip this in the butt and you just nipped it in the butt and caused a four hour meltdown and you and your wife aren't talking to each other anymore. There's no blame and guilt in any of this. This stuff is hard. So if nothing else from this podcast this week, learn how to step away and not double down on your consequences and escalating. Learn how to reset yourself. Come up with your own plan.

What is your reset? Part of mine was sitting down because it was really hard for me to continue yelling while I was sitting in a chair or Reclining some of it was always I always had the go I always had some go-to plans have like a fire drill. What is your go-to plan? Not if but when your kids begin to get upset and things escalate do that Remember things we've been through before in the the midst of it, always give kids something they're in control of. They're upset because they lost control of something. Give them something

they're in control of. Create a success. Something they're good at doing. That's that, hey, you think you can move that for me? Can you lift that? Can you pick that up? Hey, look, I don't care in the moment if you just throw some food or something outside and see if they can find it, that would de-escalate the situation because once it's de-escalated, now we're back to a rational state and we can actually discipline. Remember to give positive intensity. Yeah, of course you'd be upset about that. Of course you'd be frustrated. Of course you would feel that way. That's validating with intensity. And remember to use movement. Motion changes emotion.

So two more quick things. Read the moment. I want you to learn how to read the moment because there are moments here where everybody is tired, hungry, they're out of your structure. It's not the time to go full bore into discipline in that moment. That is a time where you de-escalate first, where you get a good night's sleep, you have them take a nap, you get someone food. Remember, feed your kids. Sometimes feed yourself. Because when we used to visit some of our relatives, they just had terrible food.

And they didn't keep food around the house. We're hungry. So plan for that. I like simple stuff. It doesn't have to be like, here's your 10-step calming thing. Here's one. Go get something to eat. You'll feel better. And so read the moment and realize you don't always have to address things right now. And here's the final one I want you to focus on for the rest of this week. Bond with your kids over something. Because you know what's happened during the holidays? You've probably been distracted, right? If you're with extended family,

you're paying way more attention to the relatives you haven't seen in a long time because you're a gracious, wonderful person, and you've kind of been distracted and the kids have been over here doing their thing. So it doesn't have to take a long time, but if you will proactively give your kids, especially the strong will kids, some focused emotional intensity that resets something inside of them where you get down on the floor with little kids or if it's a teenager, you go with a drive and get something to eat with them because teenagers are almost always hungry and you give them, let's just say 12 minutes of your undivided attention of your emotional intensity where you're like, oh, that's really cool.

Hey, can you show me how that works? Have them show you something, even if you're not interested. Look, I'm a realist. A lot of kid stuff is just boring. I don't really care about that toy, that thing that you got, that new app that you got on your phone.

Act interested, ask questions, be curious. Hey, what does that do? What can you do with that? How does that work? Hey, could you help me set this up? I need an app on my phone. Could you help me set that up on my phone? Bond with them and create a success.

Do something you enjoy doing or they enjoy doing and do it together so that the end of that 12 minutes, and obviously if you can do it together so that the end of that 12 minutes and obviously if you can do it for 30 minutes or an hour and afternoon splitting up the kids whatever it is I guarantee you after you bond with your kids and you enjoy them and you create a success and you're able to say man that's really cool you're really creative how did you figure that out remember go to a thrift store with your kids, the kids who love to build stuff. Go and just get old electronics for $3 and let them take it apart and do that together with them even if you don't enjoy it.

That will change their behavior more than anything else. So let's wrap this up. Let's be proactive. Let's get outside some, create some successes, split up your time a little bit. Remember to eat, try to sleep, get your exercise in. In the moment, don't double down. Walk away from it. Deescalate. Listen to the previous podcast or if you have our programs, listen to those to help you more with that and learn and let's do some bonding with our kids. That will help immensely.

Okay, enjoy the rest of your time off from school because next week we've got anxiety coming with your kids getting back to school. When they go back the night before school, their stomachs are going to be upset, so plan for that, know that that's going to happen, but for right now, let's enjoy your family time. Learn how to deescalate.

These are new skills. Bond with your kids. And I think the rest of your week will go much better. If you need help with anything, reach out to us. If you need help financially getting our programs, we've got the Christmas sale. We're going to extend that. But if you need additional help, just let us know.

We're a family. We're not a business. We're a family. We want to help you out. Okay. Love you all. Bye-bye.