Calm Parenting Podcast - 5 Strategies to Help Kids With Big Emotions

Episode Date: October 29, 2023

5 Strategies to Help Kids With Big Emotions Do you have a child with BIG EMOTIONS? Of course you do. Do you or your spouse have big emotions? Yeah probably. So we are going to kick off BIG EMOTIONS month at Celebrate Calm with an entire series of podcasts designed to give you tools to calm your kids and your own big emotions. Take advantage of our BIG SALE at https://celebratecalm.com so you can finally get that breakthrough you’ve wanted. Kirk is available for Phone Consultations. Click here to learn more. This episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast is brought to you by Hello Fresh. Go to https://www.hellofresh.com and use code 50calm for 50% off plus FREE shipping. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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who has big emotions? Probably. So we're going to kick off Defiance and Big Emotions Month at Celebrate Calm with an entire series of podcasts designed to give you tools to calm your kids and your own big emotions. And since we're going big, we decided to add a big sale so you can have all the knowledge we have, all of our insight and strategies, including all the weird little ones that work best that I don't always have time for on a podcast. So you can finally get that breakthrough you've always wanted when nothing else works. If you're new to the Calm Parenting Podcast, you picked a good time to begin listening. Welcome. My name is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at

CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help with anything, reach out to our son who definitely had big emotions and his email is Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Reach out to us because our mission is to help you with all these things. They're just really tough things when you're raising a strong-willed child. So I want to kick off this series by laying out five ways to help kids with big emotions. And then in successive podcasts, I'm going to give you concrete examples from many different situations so you know how to apply these strategies and principles. So let's jump right in. First, I want you to understand why many of your kids get upset in the first place.

And if I had one word to describe your kids, it would be frustrated. I know they act out defiantly I know that they're strong-willed that they resist you I know all of that but they're very strong they're they're very frustrated kids and here's why many of your kids have kids with very busy brains they're thinking all the time these these ideas are just kind of cascading in their brains and colliding with each other and so what it feels like when you have a brain like this is that everything on the outside of you is out of your control. Right. And so some of the manifestations of this busy brain are right there. They tend to be disorganized and forgetful. They struggle with executive function.

Right. Short term memory can often be kind of tough for these kids. Anxiety is definitely a big deal with your kids. We're going to do a whole podcast on anxiety. Anxiety is caused by unknowns, things you can't control, right? And then that freaks all of us out. When you have a very busy brain, it feels like everything's out of your control, right? These are kids, right? How many of your kids are bossy? So they come in the room and they want to boss you around. It's why when you try to have set up playdates, it's not really a playdate. It's like, hey, let's invite another child over to be bossed around by our child. And so part of that comes from, I don't feel in control of myself. So I'm going to try to boss other kids

around. Think about this, your kids that are on the spectrum, they control conversations. Why? Because when you have a conversation with another human being, it's out of your control. You don't know what they're going to say. And if I have trouble reading social cues and reading, and maybe I have auditory processing issues, think about that. Well, now, that's kind of scary to me. But if I control the conversation, well, now, that gives me a sense of order and control and takes away the unknowns. That's why your kids often eat the same food.

They wear the same clothes all the time. So they don't have to think about those things because that gives a sense of order. It's that enforcing justice. That's not fair. All these things are related. Difficulty organizing thoughts and writing. It's a really hard thing for your kids to learn. And I want you to learn how to do that because they have to write their entire school career and it's a source of great frustration. It's why you can't play board games with your kids. They're going to change the rules of the game, cheat or quit. And every good dad's going to be like, well, they need to be a better sport. That's poor sportsmanship. No, it has nothing to do with that.

It has to do with this. When I cheated a game, I'm guaranteeing the outcome because what I feel is if I lose, that makes me a loser because many of your kids already feel like losers within the home, especially those that have a really compliant golden child brother or sister that everybody loves. Now, I already feel less than. I already feel kind of stupid in my own home.

Well, if I lose a game, see, that's what triggers. Now, I'm a loser. I'm not good at anything. You guys are always against us. Everybody's teaming up against on me. And so there's this huge reaction to that. And a lot of times it is the meltdowns are over little things, not the big things. Big things sometimes stimulate the child's brain and actually help them focus.

That's for a different podcast. But it is this lack of control that really kind of freaks your kids out. And to be honest, it freaks me out too. I don't like losing control. So that leads us to step number one. Number one thing I want you to think about when your kids have big emotions is this. It's a real mindset shift because your first thought is going to be, I need to calm my child down. And I don't want you to go there first. Why? Because it doesn't work. It never works.

How many of you like it when you're upset and someone says, you know what, I think you just need to calm down, right? And that makes you furious because sometimes trying, then sometimes someone is trying to control your emotions and we don't like that. So I want you to shift your mindset from, I need to get this kid to calm down to no. What I need right now is to give my child something they feel control over. I'm going to say that again. So my child's starting to freak out. Those big emotions are coming.

My first instinct is I better control that. I better calm him down. And I want you to not do that. I better calm him down. And I want you to not do that. I want you instead to think, hmm, the reason my child has big emotions and is melting down is because he's lost control over something inside. So let me give him or her something he or she is in control of, right? And I learned this very early on. We had 1,500 kids come into our home and they were bossy. There were all these things that your kids are, all these things that our son is, right? And so instead of just saying like, you need to calm down or you

shouldn't control me. I'm the boss of this home. I would actually say sometimes, oh, you know what? I need some help. There's a broom in my basement and it's broken. I don't know how to fix it, but there's some duct tape down there. Could you go downstairs, find some duct tape, figure out a way to fix that for me? And immediately, here's what happened. They had a mission and they felt in control of something. It was physical, tangible, in their hands. And that would help them calm down and get a sense of control back so I want you to go let's repeat this one more time instead of going right to like you need to

calm down or let me figure out how to calm down let me begin to think hmm the root is my child's out of control let me give him or her something he's or she is in control of. Step number two, I want you to learn how to control yourself first. Again, we'll do an entire podcast. We could do a whole year on this because this is the biggest key. Look, the only way I can say this is bluntly. And I'm a dad, so I'm going to speak to dads, but this is for moms and dads, but dads specifically. If you cannot control your own emotions, you simply can't expect a four-year-old, a seven-year-old, a nine, a 14, a 17-year-old to know how to control his emotions because you're going to be like, you need to calm down right now, young man. And your child's going to be like, apparently you haven't mastered that skill and you're 35. So it is essential for

us as moms and dads to learn how to control ourselves. And that means controlling our emotions. It means controlling our tone of voice. It means controlling our words and not lecturing so much because lecturing is provoking a child to anger. When you use too many words, it makes your kids more angry. You've seen that, haven't you? And so I want you to really spend some time this month and next year and the next decade learning how to control yourself. Because why? The quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control yourself. Because if you're in this tone of voice and you're worked up, that is just going to escalate situations. So I'm not going to do the whole thing on it,

but you've heard me say before, change your body posture. Sit down in the moment. Do the opposite of what you'd normally do. Because what you're doing now is escalating situations. Let's try to change that. I want you to learn to master the even matter of fact tone in all of the successive podcasts. In fact, most of the podcasts, I model that for you. It is one of the most critical things you can master because that really sweet tone actually undermines you. And it actually creates instability because it sounds like weakness. And it sounds like I don't really know what I want to do here. And it actually contributes to more anxiety and it contributes to things being more unsettling. And likewise, the opposite, you know, you better calm yourself. See, when I'm out of control myself,

now the child knows what I'm already out of control but the big adult who's supposed to be in control of themselves they're out of control this isn't going to end well so let's learn to control ourselves step number two number three remember this phrase and principle motion changes emotion motion or movement is a tool that we use when a child is getting upset or upset to help control help them control their own emotions because words don't work talking about your feelings honey do you want to identify your feelings right now no i really just want to break something, right? And they can't process language when they're upset. And this is a really important distinction. It's not about

identifying their emotions. I'm an adult. I'm pretty clear and I'm pretty sure what the emotions are. There's anger, there's frustration, there's disappointment. What the kids really need to know is what to do with those emotions. See, the emotions aren't the issue. Being frustrated and angry is a normal human emotion. The real key is teaching your child what to do with those emotions. Because, look, being angry, fine, you're angry. It's a normal emotion. That's fine. What I'm not okay with is hitting your sister, punching a hole in the wall, calling people names. So the idea of motion is giving some motion in a situation actually gives them a process of beginning to calm down. It gives them something to do in that situation. And in the examples we're going to do this month, I'll show

you plenty of examples for that, but that's step number three. Number four, this is a weird one, and it's counterintuitive. And I will tell you, everything at Celebrate Calm is built on counterintuitive things, principles, right? Because here's the quick one. You want your kids to move more quickly. What do we usually... Guys, come on, get in the car right now. And what happens? Your kids move more slowly. Why? They're not rejecting your authority. They're rejecting your anxiety because your anxiety in that moment tells them, you know what, no matter how quickly I move, not going to be good enough for mom or dad. They're just going to keep yelling. And they know the situation is going to escalate. So it's very counterintuitive, but I want you to practice using positive intensity. Step number four, use positive intensity to calm your kids down, to validate what they're

feeling. I've done this example before, but it's really quick and helpful. So you've got a kid, builds a paper airplane, throws the paper airplane, doesn't fly the right way. So what happens? They get upset and they start crumpling up the paper and they're throwing it down. This is a stupid airplane. I'm an idiot.

And you're looking at them like, why are you getting upset? Just an airplane. Just make a different one. There's no need to be upset. And right. And then here's what every good mom and dad does. We walk in the room. Oh, honey, there's no need to be upset.

That was a good airplane. Oop, wrong thing to say, right? Because what your child's thinking is, duh, if it were a good airplane, it would have flown the right way, duh. And so instead, I'd rather come into that room and say, oh man, if I were you, I'd be frustrated too. You spent a lot of time building that paper airplane. You wanted it to fly well and didn, oh man, if I were you, I'd be frustrated too. You spent a lot of time building

that paper airplane. You wanted it to fly well and didn't fly the right way. That's disappointing. That's frustrating, man. And see that validation of their feelings and what they're going through. One, it's validating and that always feels good. Two, it makes them, it helps them feel like they're understood because we spend most of their childhood trying to convince them that what they're feeling and going through isn't true or valid. And I've said this a million times, but wives, it is one of the things that frustrates you most about your husband is that when you're upset and when he comes in, oh honey, there's no need to be upset. You're just, you know, right? And all those things we say of like, you're just exaggerating. You're just taking it too far.

All those things. You're just overreacting. And you're like, oh honey, thanks. Thanks for pointing out that my feelings aren't valid. I'd love when you prove your point. We don't say that because part of the reason is it makes you feel like you're not understood. And the reason, think about this, the reason we do that to our spouse and then we turn around, do it to our kids, is because we feel like we're not in control because watch what's happening this child just tried to make a paper airplane it's not a big deal to you didn't fly right so make a new one no big deal and now he's like calling himself stupid and that strikes right at the core of you and you're like oh that hurts, that hurts me. And that hurts my child. What's going on? I don't know how to fix this.

So what do we do? We try to fix their emotions and their reaction. And that makes it worse. Because when we say, oh, it's no big deal. They're like, you totally don't get it. It is a big deal. I've been picturing this paper airplane at school all day long and I'm not allowed to do anything fun at school. So I couldn't wait to get home and try this and start building

it because I do have kind of an engineering brain and I like to see how things work and tinker with things. And I had this picture in my brain of how it was supposed to work and it was going to fly so well because I'm not good at a lot of other things and I'm not good at school. I'm not as good as my brother or sister at things but I like to build things and when that doesn't work I'm not good at anything see that's what's behind there and so we dismiss it or we come in like it's no big deal it's striking right at the core of your child and that's why I want you to understand what's driving your child I look, I do care,

but I kind of don't care that you get bothered because I keep saying like, you've got to listen to our programs. There's stuff I can't cover in a podcast. And until you understand what's at the heart of a strong-willed child, you will misinterpret everything they do and it will continue to cause big meltdowns in your home. It'll continue to cause fights between you and your spouse because neither of you really understand the child. Although usually one spouse understands more, usually the mom, because you listen to our stuff and you read the books and you try to understand your child. And now the dad's just like, well, he just needs, we just need to clamp down on him, right? My way or the highway approach.

You're just being too soft on him. And that's not true. And now you and your spouse are fighting over this. And now your home is in complete chaos. If you would just go through the programs, because they come on an easy-to-use app. We've tried to make it so easy for you. Both spouses can listen. Your kids can listen.

And then you'll understand because a lot of this is, look, I'm just, I have some notes here, but I'm just realizing this. I could probably add six or number six or number seven to the five things. Feeling understood. You get a child to feel understood in the moment. That's calming. And so that using that intensity is really, really important. Now, physical intensity, I'll go through that in some of the examples, but this situation where I came to say, oh man, I'd be frustrated too. Listen, I got to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go upstairs. I got to go do X. When I get back, let's problem solve. Let's figure out a different way to make this work. See, there's some intensity, but I'm leading to problem solving. I'm not talking about how you're feeling and it's okay.

No, I'm going right after it. And that leads to number five, which is space. Give your kids space when they're upset. And related to that if you want to make this number six or seven go for it but space no eye contact in the moment when kids are upset they don't want to be watched nobody likes to be watched when they're in in this mindset when they're going through the worst part of their day and they're freaking out, I'm stupid, you're stupid, I can't do anything right, I hate all those things. Nobody wants to be watched when they're melting down. So learn to give them space. Learn to step out of the room for even 10 seconds, for 15 seconds, for a minute, so they can kind of process this and calm themselves down a little bit. And that's why I am not a big fan. Get down, look them in the eyes and say, it's okay, honey. Look,

sometimes that can work and that's okay, but sometimes it makes it way worse. And I don't give eye contact when kids are upset. I give them a lot of eye contact when they're making good choices. Hey, you know what? That was a good choice. Love how you did that. Shows me you're growing up. I'm giving eye contact when I'm affirming, but when they're really upset, I'm giving them space. I'm letting them have some time to calm themselves down without looking at them and no eye contact. So let's review because it's really important. Number one, figure out what's going on. I'm going to shift from I need to calm this child down to I need to give them a sense of control back.

I do this analogy sometimes. How many of you like to, before you go to bed at night, you clean your kitchen sink. Part of what you're saying is this. The rest of my world is out of control. I can't control my kids. I can't control my spouse. I can't control anything.

But my sink is spotless. Before I go to bed, it's one thing in my life that feels in control. And so you walk by all night long and you're like, yep, sink looks good. So think about that. What is that kitchen sink thing, activity you can give your child that makes them feel in control of themselves? It's actually such a, it's a helpful thing to think of. Kitchen sink. What's a kitchen sink thing? I do X. For me, it is reading columns from you down, being in an Excel spreadsheet, right? Measuring something.

But measuring something, that's a really cool thing. Many of your kids do like to measure things. They like to count things. Your kids that are on the spectrum, they like to count things. So you give them something to count. Why? Because it's defined. It's orderly. They can control. It's why some of your kids like to carry around little, they collect little acorns and rocks and stones in their pockets because

it's something they're in control of. Number two, learn how to control yourself first. The first thing I do is I go through the 30 Days to Calm program. It's called 30 Days to Calm. It's how I learned how to go from being a freak dad, always upset like my dad was, to being in control of myself. Number three, motion changes emotion. Giving them missions to do in that moment. It gives them something to do. Instead of stop doing this, I give them something to do. And I'm not using a lot of words. Number four, that intensity, positive intensity, validate them. Physical intensity, even. Number five, give them some space. Nobody likes to be looked at while they're upset. And practice the no eye contact. That's why I like talking to kids when they're upset, while I'm

building with Legos, while I'm driving in a car, while I'm playing catch with them. So let's practice these things this week. If you need help with it, reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, celebratecalm.com. Go to the website. We've got a big sale on. You will see it there. You call it a big sale.

You call it a Black Friday sale. You call it a Thanksgiving sale. I don't care. It's a big sale. And so there's no reason now not to have everything, all the tools we have to get these big emotions under control. So thank you all. Super excited for this month. I've got some really good podcasts coming. Thanks for listening. Please share this now so other people can get in on and listen to this. We're probably going to do two podcasts a week so we

can really get the momentum going on this. All right. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.