Calm Parenting Podcast - 5 Tips in 5 Minutes for Men

Episode Date: August 16, 2019

You're a busy guy with lots of pressure at work and the last thing you want to come home to is a challenging child. But that's your life. You are indescribably important and irreplaceable at home. Your wife has been asking you to change and you've resisted. You're on the path to losing your kid, your wife, and half your income. Take literally 6:54 and get 5 quick tips that may just change your family. When I was a reactive "freak Dad" back in the day, here is what I was really saying to my son: "I need YOU to behave right now and do what I say...because if you don't behave, I am not sure I can behave...and you do not want to see me angry." Instead of controlling myself, I was asking a child to manage the emotions of his father. Ouch. So I hope this is a gentle nudge and encouragement to work on controlling yourself, not your kids.. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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give you five quick tips in five minutes and I'm going to be really tough, so hang in there. Before I get into the tips, I am you, I was you. My dad was career military. All we knew in our home was fear and intimidation. You're going to do what I say or else. And we didn't ultimately, I had three brothers. We didn't respect our dad. We feared our dad. And it meant that we missed out on a lifetime of his wisdom because we didn't trust him. Because he was always blowing up.

And here's the message that he sent to me that I ultimately did with my own son and my brother started to do because we became our dad. And so we couldn't control ourselves. And here's what we're saying to our kids. I need you to behave because if you don't behave and do what I say, I'm going to lose it and you don't want to see me angry. See what's happening? I'm becoming dependent on my child. My child now has to manage my emotions because I can't. And that's wrong and awful and you'll lose your relationship with your child. So number one, realize this is your issue. Stop.

You don't let your kids make excuses, right? So you can't either. Own it. I'm 53 now. You know what's really liberating? I own my stuff. I know my issues. And so rather than hiding from them, I start to say, yep, I struggle with that.

I do that. That's on me. And now I get to change that. I can't change the general manager or the coach of my favorite football team. I can't change politicians. I can't change the traffic. But I can change myself every single day. And that will begin to change your family.

Number two, stop with the whole, look at me when I'm talking to you. You know that old look me in the eyes thing? I'm telling you, most of your kids, they're not looking you in the eyes because it's disrespect. You're going to take it that way. That's not what it is. It's partly that your kids are ashamed of their behavior. And look, guys, they want to please you. They do. And when they mess up, they feel like failures and like they disappointed you, so it's really hard to look your dad in the eyes, and for some of us, we're scary. Another reason for them not to look in the eyes, but I want you to know it's not a sign of disrespect,

and don't keep taking it that way, or again, you're going to drive this child away from you. Number three, your child isn't just being rebellious. I know they're difficult. I had the most difficult, challenging, pain in the butt son you've ever met, and now he's awesome, and so will your child. He'll be the same thing. He's just not a rule follower like you want. He's just different from you, and by the way, when you were a kid, you weren't either. We were very mischievous as kids. We just were afraid of what our dad would do. So we never spoke up or grunted or had a bad attitude around them. I'm not saying it's right for them to do it, but stop reacting. Okay. And stop labeling. Well, they're just rebellious. No, they're not.

They just need some tools and they need a dad to teach them how to be successful. And that's why I'm talking to you because you're an awesome person. They need that. Number four, stop taking it personally. I know I've mentioned this before. Look, I don't know any other way to say it. I'm pretty tough on men because I am one. And I like my friends and my pastor and other people saying, hey, cut the crap, Kirk. Grow up. That's your issue. So I'm going to talk to you like I like being talked to. Your kid is a kid. You're a grown man. So stop taking everything personally. Oh, he's being disrespectful. Well, so what? Deal with it, but stop reacting to it and making it worse. It just doesn't work that way. Instead, be patient.

Teach your child. Discipline doesn't mean to punish your son to the room or beat them or whatever you think is the old school way. Discipline literally means to teach. And when you teach your child something, he'll get it for the rest of his life and he'll respect you. Number five, I've got 36 seconds left.

Don't be cheap and stop dismissing your wife's concerns. She keeps saying, we need to work on this. And I get it. You're busy with your job. You're busy. You've got so much pressure at work and in life. And you come home and your kid doesn't listen to you. And your wife's making excuses and she's too soft

on the kid, but she keeps asking you to change and you don't. And what's going to happen is you're going to lose that relationship. Can you hear the thunder and lightning? That's to reinforce this message. And I'm going to go over for a minute, but it's okay. You're going to end up losing this child and you don't want that. I almost did it. Don't do it. And you're going to end up losing this child, and you don't want that. I almost did it. Don't do it. And you're going to lose your wife because I guarantee you, as soon as the kids go off to college, your wife's out of there, and you're going to lose half your income, everything else. And I say this because, look, and I'm not going to even go there.

Men care about sex and money, and guess what? If your wife can't trust you around the home, she's not going to have sex with you, and eventually she's going to divorce you and take half of what you own. There you go. So I want you to get on board with this and stop dismissing it and saying it's not my issue, it's the kid's issue. And stop being cheap. I know you hate me selling on the podcast, but you don't go to work for free. True, you exchange your wisdom and skills for a paycheck. And guess what? I have some wisdom and practical stuff that you can do that's not that hard that will literally change your relationship with your child. So go to CelebrateCalm.com. There's a no BS program there. It's 150 bucks on sale right now. It's one trip to the therapist's office and it may just save your relationship and your relationship with your child. There's also a program under there, Get Everything We Have. It's a summer special. Same thing, half price, with 26 hours worth of tools. And if all you listen to is the

dad CD and start to implement it, I show you what to do. It's not that hard, but you've got to be willing to change. Anyway, if you want help with this, email me directly, Kirk, K-I-R-K, at CelebrateCalm.com. I will walk through this until the day you die. I am here because I want the relationships changed, and I can tell you when you get like be an older guy like me, all your work stuff doesn't matter. All that matters is that relationship with your kids and your wife and you become a different person. So thank you for listening. It's six minutes and 52 seconds. Hang in there, guys. Good men. Let's work on this stuff.