Calm Parenting Podcast - 7 Killer Ideas to Get Kids to Clean Up Emotional, Relational & Physical Messes #477

Episode Date: May 7, 2025

I want your kids to have the tools to clean up their own messes in life—with siblings, with a future spouse, with classmates, within themselves. To know how to deal with internal disappointment and frustration. And you, of course, want your kids to clean up their physical messes in your home! How can you do this without ruining your relationship or constantly resorting to consequences? Kirk shares five different ways to get your kids to be responsible for themselves.This is the FINAL Week of Our Mother's Day Sale! Visit https://celebratecalm.com/mothers-day/ to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. Moms, do this for yourselves!AG1AG1 is offering new subscribers a FREE $76 gift when you sign up. You’ll get a Welcome Kit, a bottle of D3 & K2 AND 5 free travel packs in your first box. Go to https://drinkag1.com/calmCOZY EARTHWrap yourself and your kids in Cozy Earth luxury…with 40% OFF! Visit https://cozyearth.com/ and use my exclusive 40% off code CALM. IXL LEARNINGGet an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at https://IXL.com/KIRK.FASTGROWINGTREES.COM/CALMFast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard, up to half off on select plants. Listeners to our show get an additional 15% OFF their first purchase at https://FASTGROWINGTREES.COM/CALM using the code CALM.SKYLIGHT CALENDARSSkylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch Calendars by going to https://SkylightCal.com/CALMKIWICO.COMBuild the best summer ever with KiwiCo! Get $15 off on your Summer Adventure Series at https://kiwico.com/CALM.ACORNS EARLYHead to ​https://acornsearly.com/calm to help your kids grow their money skills today.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Moms, I really want you to know this deep down inside. You are doing a better job than you think. You are so tough on yourself. You're always so worried about your kids' comfort. Darn it, let's focus on yours. Wrap yourself in the luxury and softness of Cozy Earth sheets, pajamas, towels, and casual wear. You will sleep and feel so much better, especially when you get 40% off at CozyEarth.com slash calm and use code calm.

Look, it is so much easier being the mom you want to be when you are relaxed and rested. And I know this sounds funny, but when we slip into our Cozy Earth bamboo casual wear in the evening, it's like stress just vanishes and we sleep so much better in our Cozy Earth bamboo pajamas and sheets because they are ultra soft and temperature regulating. Be bold moms. Ask for or just go get Cozy Earth pajamas and sheets for yourself for Mother's Day. And to celebrate moms everywhere, just go to CozyEarth.com, use CoCom to get 40% off best-selling sheets, towels, pajamas, and more. Because you deserve the best! That's CozyEarth.com slash CALM with code CALM for 40% off. So most of us have kids who give up when learning gets hard. And that's why I encourage you to check out ixl.com slash Kirk. Ixl is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K to 12,

whether they are struggling in a particular subject or homeschooling. Kids love Ixl's positive feedback, awards and educational games. Ixl encourages kids to find joy in learning through video tutorials that guide your child in the way your child learns best. each activity on iXL helps your child build up the determination to push through challenges and feel a tangible sense of accomplishment from learning. and iXL's extensive content library empowers kids to explore their interests and take charge of their learning journey.

Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. I want your kids to have the tools to clean up their own messes in life with siblings, with a future spouse, with classmates, within themselves to know how to deal with internal disappointment and frustration. And you of course want your kids to clean up their physical messes in your home. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our Mother's Day sale at CelebrateCalm.com. So let's jump in to some practical ways to handle some of these tough situations from the experience of parents who listened to the previous podcast and tried something new. First example, I never knew just sitting in the chaos would be so difficult, but also so illuminating.

I'm usually so busy trying to control and fix everything that I either make it worse or miss the whole point and then I get resentful that I'm doing so much when in reality I wasn't giving my kids an opportunity to be responsible themselves. Now that is spot-on. That's good insight. Second example is sibling issues. When my kids are going at each other, I normally break things up and send them to their respective rooms. But one day I walked into the living room and sat. And I used your script from the Stop Sibling Fights program and handed responsibility to them saying they could continue to be irritated and miserable or they could solve it themselves. I grabbed a snack, went into the kitchen and

actually sat. I heard them begin working it out themselves and then they asked for help. It was probably the first time we have ever really problem solved. Look, it won't always work that easily. Sometimes kids are physically beating each other up or there is underlying resentment that's causing conflict or something deeper. If you have our programs, listen to the sibling fights one with your kids or make them listen or listen to the two podcasts from July 2024 on sibling squabbles and social skills so you can show your kids how to begin solving problems themselves. Third example one more and I hope this doesn't trigger you tantrums. Kirk I have little kids who

throw tantrums and whine a lot. I've been so angry and alternated between blaming them for being ungrateful, right? Because then she said, I know you hate those lectures and so do my kids about being grateful. I alternated between blaming them for being ungrateful and blaming myself for not teaching them better. After I listened to that last episode, I realized I was making the tantrums and whining worse by giving so much emotional energy to them. So I made that switch, finally, that you talk about. Your moods do not determine my mood.

We've cut the whining and tantrums in half in just a few days solely by changing myself. Well done, Mom. Well, many of you are fixated on getting your kids to clean up their physical messes, so I do want to focus on that for a bit. Then we'll end with defiance, teen issues, and emotional messes, so I do want to focus on that for a bit. Then we'll end with defiance, teen issues, and emotional messes inside. Okay, physical messes in the home. First, this is normal.

It would be weird if your kids cared about keeping their rooms in your home as neat and orderly as you do. Just like it would be weird for my son as a tweener teen to be as meticulous about long care as I was. When you're a kid, you have a hundred other priorities and things you'd rather be doing than cleaning up. It just isn't a priority, so you're not alone. Plus, personally, I don't want kids to be a neurotic mess like many of us are.

2. Control your own anxiety about your child's future. If you are a good, conscientious parent who loves their child, which you are because you're listening to a parenting podcast, then you have this reasonable fear. You're anxious that if your child is a slob or disorganized as a child and you don't correct and teach him or her properly, they will grow up to be a disorganized, slobby adult. And that will mean that you will fail to raise them properly. And it may mean that no one will marry them or hire them. And there's legitimate fear and anxiety over this. While that may seem like a reasonable fear, it simply is

not true that a messy kid grows up into a messy adult. Now, if you are a hoarder or completely disorganized, this could be true because that's the DNA of your home. But I can assure you that kids change and change a lot. You've heard me say this. Casey's bedroom and bathroom were hoarded when he was a kid. We actually had a little saying in our home. Hey, where was Casey? Wherever the crumbs are. He's an adult now, completely opposite of how he was at seven and ten and fourteen and seventeen. He owns his own home now. Remember the idea of ownership. So when you walk into his home you have to take your shoes off

so you don't track in dirt. So the kid who seemed to attract dirt now has a clean orderly home. So chill with your parental anxiety and don't project into the future or you will endlessly lecture your child and it will never work anyway. There is a reason there is a bedroom door so you don't have to walk by and see the mess. Close the door, live your life in peace. You can always say, I will come in and read to you at night or talk with you if you have a clear path for me. Number 3. Let's talk the tough approach first. No guarantee this will work, but it's worth a shot. I am not a huge fan of leading with tough discipline with strong willed kids.

I think other approaches work best, but you may need to reset expectations then use the other approaches. So you could say, hey, your room can be a mess, but the living room, kitchen, and stairs must be free of legos and clothes and stuff. If you leave your things lying on the floor in these areas, it will cost you $1 per item, or it will be donated to Goodwill, or I will collect them and hold them ransom. Now, some kids will respond well to this. Most of our Strongwill kids simply won't care. You may need to reset.

Hey, I apologize for leading you to believe that I would clean up all your messes every day after you. I've done that by not asking you to do anything. That was my mistake. From now on, here are my expectations. By Saturday morning, if this is not completed, the router will be turned off, all screens turned in until your chores are completed. No screens, no friends, no play dates, no fun until your job is completed.

Let me know if you need help or clarification. And then when Saturday morning comes and they predictably haven't completed what you asked, then you just do what you said you were going to do and stick to it even through their protests and tears without any lectures. Matter of fact, no drama until they learn this is the new way that you roll. I think that is a perfectly reasonable way to handle this. Just make sure your expectations are realistic way that you roll. I think that is a perfectly reasonable way to handle this. Just make sure your expectations are realistic and that you're getting progress, not perfection. I like other approaches more,

but the tough approach is an option. Now, I like this one. Give your kids some independence and space with this. Find one area where they can excel. Some of your kids may actually do their own laundry. So let them pick out a laundry detergent they like, put a hamper in their closet, and give them ownership like they're in college. Some of your kids may like the control this gives them. Now, don't be surprised if teenagers start a load of laundry at 11pm because they forgot they needed to wash their favorite clothes for

something special the next day to impress someone. Don't be surprised if some of your kids do a load every two weeks. Who cares? Spray them down with Febreze. Or, I know you can't do that. Stop. Or, they might do a small load every single day wasting water and detergent. Relinquish your need to lecture about wasting water or being smelly. Just be thankful they're doing their own laundry even if you don't like the way they do it because that's pretty much guaranteed. You and I are control freaks so chill but when they make progress notice that hey you being responsible for your own laundry helps me a lot. Hey that shows me you're growing up. Your father still doesn't know how to

just kidding. You could pay your child a small allowance for doing chores you no longer have to do. If it motivates them and alleviates work for you, determine what that's worth to you. Heck, maybe they can do laundry for their siblings in return for them doing a chore of theirs. That's how life works anyway. There's a division of labor. You may even determine, hey, you're good at this. If you take care of all the laundry for us, I'll clean your bathroom. You may have one child who absolutely loves cleaning and organizing. So maybe you pay that child or that child charges the other sibling for doing their homework. I'm kidding. But you could do a version of this. Take advantage of this. It's how the adult world works with people specializing in different areas and trading services for money. Now,

my favorite idea actually came from a kid. I can say without a doubt, one of the best things we ever did was teach Casey how to manage money from a young age. It has made a huge difference in his daily life. That's why I'm excited that today's episode is sponsored by Acorns Early. Acorns Early is a smart money app and debit card for kids that helps them learn the value of money. You can even set up the Acorns Early Chores tracker in the app and automatically send a weekly allowance to your

kids' account. Your kids can spend what they earn with their very own debit card. You know, your kids are going to love this sense of independence while you have parental controls to watch their spending. Using Acorns Early is a fantastic practical tool to show your kids how to delay gratification and manage their own money. Head to acornsearly.com slash com or download the Acorns Early app to help your kids grow their money skills today.

That's acornsearly.com slash com. Acorns Early Card is issued by Community Federal Savings Bank member FDIC pursuant to license by MasterCard International. Terms and conditions apply. Monthly subscription fees starting from $5 per month unless canceled. Moms and dads, you and I have kids who love to build stuff and figure out how things work. What if you could feed your child's engineering brain or creativity with a new fun project to build each week this summer? KiwiCo delivers awesome science, engineering, and art projects right to your door with everything you need to complete the project.

My nephew and I just built the KiwiCo delivery robot together and I love the confidence and curiosity that these KiwiCo delivery robot together. And I love the confidence and curiosity that these KiwiCo projects spark in him. I signed my nephew up for the KiwiCo Summer Adventure Series, which is why I am his favorite uncle. Your kids will receive six hands-on project kits over six weeks. And we're most excited about the archery set

because he gets to build his own bow. Plus, it gets him outside off screens using his natural skills and learning new ones. And KiwiCo offers summer programs for kids of all ages from two through to teen years. Build the best summer ever with KiwiCo. Get $15 off on your summer adventure series at kiwico.com slash com. That's $15 off your summer adventure at kiwico.com slash com. Shout out to Trevor, an 11 year old from Michigan for inspiring what I think may be the most important idea of this podcast. Trevor had listened to our programs, especially ADHD University, and told his parents, now I understand why I struggle with organization, memorizing facts and forgetting things.

My brain is so focused on coming up with ideas and seeing patterns and being creative, and my brain feels like it's constantly swirling with thoughts and so I struggle with feeling disorganized in my brain. Look, I want you to teach your kids how their brains work. Normalize their strengths and weaknesses. Ask your kids if this is how it feels for them. Be curious about that. You're not accusing them, just being curious. So Trevor started using his ability to see patterns and problem-solve to help with

this. He now leaves post-it notes where he will see them as a reminder to do little things. He liked Casey's idea of creating little boxes next to his to-do checklist because he feels a sense of accomplishment when he checks off something on his list. He asks his parents if he could create organized messes or piles in his room so he knows where everything is, but the piles are organized instead of scattered. The best part? Trevor said, I don't beat myself up

for being this way anymore. I create workarounds that work for me. That is perfect. Because they don't have to be perfect neat freaks. They just need to learn some new skills. See, you're not excusing the messes or saying your kids can't do it. You are placing a natural weakness in proper context with their natural strengths. You are coming alongside them to create practical solutions and make progress. Does that make sense? See, I want them to know like there's nothing wrong with your brain. It just means you've got a very strategic, critical thinking skills. You're great at that.

You're super creative, but that means you're probably going to struggle in this area. So use your strengths to help mitigate some of the weaknesses. They're going to need to do that for the rest of their lives. And then I want you to help them and come alongside. Some kids will need you to come alongside and help them as they do it. I guarantee most little kids are not going to pick up all their Legos by themselves.

You are going to put on music and find yourself down on your hands and knees doing most of the picking up. But that's also modeling. So let's apply this to a messy bedroom. So I've got this kind of titled messy brain, messy bedroom, and see if you can relate to this common scenario. You've got a child who's not naturally organized. Her room quickly becomes a mess,

and by that time, it is kind of like it's too far gone, and she's overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start. So she gives up and it kind of devolves into chaos. Look, some of us have been there before. I remember there was a time in my life when we were heavily in debt and it's like why even bother? How am I going to get out of this debt? It is so overwhelming. You just you don't you don't start attacking it a little bit at a time because it seems so big. So her dad would say honey if you just took three minutes every day it would stay clean and dad is correct. But her history says she will not take that three minutes every day. I know the

feeling when overwhelmed and I try to deal with reality. So let's change our attitude toward this. It isn't a moral issue. It's not a disobedience issue. It's a tools issue. So let's go for tidy, not immaculate or perfect. Kind of like that organized mess that Trevor is doing. Some of us live quite happily with that somewhat tidy but somewhat disorganized pow where we know certain things are. I want a reasonable goal for a kid like this. Provide baskets she can throw things into.

Big baskets, maybe a basket for dark clothes and one for light clothes. A basket for anything with paper books papers bark from a tree because that's what a lot of our kids collect a basket for personal items you could put masking tape on the floor with four quadrants each quadrant holds a different kind of item make it easy make it visual you could. I love this a lot. Let's go in and happily do a good, not perfect job, organizing her room and cleaning. That means you're actually doing it this time. So we get a good baseline. And then you take a picture of her room before and after you organize it. And you can hang those pictures on her wall.

See sometimes that visual can be extremely helpful. She may even look at it as a guide and she'll know what an organized room looks like. You could make a video of how to tidy up. It could be a fun way to show her exactly how to tidy up with five steps and five minutes because a lot of our kids like video. Again, it's a kind of a neat little idea to use their strengths. And I want you to turn this into something you bond over. Instead of expecting her to do this on her own for three minutes every day, make it a bonding time together. Dad, play some music she loves when you walk into her room.

Most songs are about three to four minutes long. So you can say, hey, are we going to do a one song clean or a two songer today? Make it fun. Come alongside her. Then give her a hug and leave the room, even if you did most of it. I can tell you one day, this will be a distant memory and you will regret hurting your relationship over things like this. Now here's a cool one. Put a dust buster in the bedroom. It's a small thing to use very quickly and it's right there. There's no way a kid is going to drag a big vacuum up and down the stairs

but if it's right there your child is more likely to use it because you can get a lot done in under 60 seconds. Place a cleaning caddy under their bathroom sink. This is a really important insight. With kids and adults who are impulsive and have symptoms associated with ADD, it's super helpful to have everything needed right there. Look, I'm going to share my experience as a grown adult. I'm responsible for some of the cleaning in our home.

There are times when the mood just hits me to clean the bathroom and I want to do it then, right then, or that feeling and desire can fade pretty quickly. Years ago, I would look under the vanity for cleaning supplies, but if they weren't there, and then I had to scavenge all over the house for paper, towels, and different kinds of cleaners, and sponges, and gloves, I wouldn't do it.

So I learned to resist, to reduce the resistance. I learned to reduce the resistance to these things and create a cleaning caddy with everything I need. And it's always right there. So when that moment hits and I feel like cleaning and that's how it works for me, I can just do it. And I get it done really quickly because people like us, ADHD type people,

we work on momentum. And so there's momentums like I feel like doing it, I'm going to do it now and I do it well. Try that with your kids. I want you to remember to praise for progress. I hope that one day your child will actually invite you to look at their bedroom or bathroom after they have cleaned or organized. And I hope they're beaming with a little bit of pride. Please bite your tongue. Do not point out what they missed, how they could do it better. Honey, let me show you this. At least not the first couple times. Praise for progress, even if you're cringing inside. Over time you can say something like

this in passing, but not the first few times. Oh, I learned this one little tip a couple years ago. And then you move on to something else. You just share a plant a seed. There's nothing more deflating than being excited about doing something new and then having someone rain on your parade. So none of that nice job, but you can make this even more tidy if you see that'll kill the moment, your child will know for sure. You know what? I can never please my mom or dad, so why even bother? I'm going to close the physical messes part with this idea that as I've gotten older, I really like.

Relax and be the happy cleaning elf in your home. You may just decide, I'm tired of being irritated by this so much. I'm tired of creating drama around this, even though it is a real irritant. And so without saying a word while a child is at school or out with friends, you tidy up their room. Right? As long as it's not a privacy issue with a teenager, but you tidy up their room or their bathroom without saying a word.

Just pop in for five minutes, make it a non-toxic environment or presentable. No lectures, no resentment. Everybody's a little happier without all the stress. I like that idea. I know I shared that in the last episode, but I'm doing it again and again because some of you need to do that. Now, what about emotional messes? Most of the podcasts deal with this already, but here's how we apply sitting in it to your

child being disappointed or frustrated. Just try it sometime. Walk into a room, sit down and don't try to fix it or make it better. Validate with intensity. Oh man, I hate when that happens. Or that's really frustrating when you have an idea and it doesn't turn out the right way. Just begin there. Notice your child's response. Then you can get up and say as you walk away, hey I need you to use the bathroom. I need to get something from the basement. Hey, when I get back,

let me know if you want to try to problem solve together. Then you give them some space and time to process their frustration and disappointment. Just try that without fixing it. Now, your child has some attitude. Is talking back. Is hell bent on prosecuting his or her case. Try sitting down and coloring. I do love that. And just say matter of factly, hey that tone, not going to work well for you. But I bet if you grabbed a crayon pencil and sat with me, I bet we could figure this out. See, with a really upset child, you'll need to use something more physical. Remember, motion changes emotion, something sensory. But try the coloring sitting idea just to make it a new habit.

See, you're stepping back from trying to control and fix everything and make it all better. And when you step back, it gives our kids space to step up, and you're placing responsibility in their hands. You're inviting to teach and problem-solve. Here's one more. Practices with kids with teens or tweens who are 7 or going on 17. Their entire day is drama. You are their safe place. Don't add to the drama. Just sit. Sit and listen without offering any guidance at first. Validate their concerns even if they are overly dramatic. They are still learning how to do this teen tween thing. So listen to them. Purposely don't try to fix the situation or make it better. And by the way, I do love coloring with teens. It

is so grounding. And you could say, hey, this is really hard. I also know that you're a really good thinker with a big heart, so I know you'll figure this out. I love that. I promise they will come and ask your advice more if you don't force it on them. And you can say, hey, I've got some thoughts you may want to consider if you want to come get me later while I'm making dinner, while I'm doing the dishes, while I'm folding laundry. See, I like the invitation, but you're sitting in it without fixing it. Okay, listen to last week's episode if you haven't. Practice sitting in your discomfort amidst the mess and chaos of family life.

Resist trying to fix everything. Know this is normal. Know you are good. Moms and dads and grandparents lead and give your kids tools. Praise for progress, not perfection. If you want deeper step-by-step instructions, get all 16 programs in the Get Everything package. It's all for the price of one or two trips to a therapist and it works much better. And it's on sale with the Mother's Day sale at CelebrateCalm.com. Thank you for working so hard at this. Thanks for sharing the podcast. Thanks for working to break these generational patterns. You guys are crushing it and I'm proud of you. Alright, talk to you next time. Bye bye.