Calm Parenting Podcast - 7 Ways to Stop Negative Behavior & Control Your Own Anxiety #483

Starting point is 00:00:00 So Casey and his wife were visiting friends this past weekend. They saw a Cozy Earth catalog on their table and he said, wait, you guys know Cozy Earth? And they said, yeah, all our bedding has Cozy Earth bamboo sheets. We're hooked. Softest bedding, best sleep we've ever had. So Casey asked, does your guest bed have Cozy Earth sheets? Because we'll visit you more often if it does. And of course, he liked being the hero, adding, if you go to CozyEarth.com

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Starting point is 00:01:10 So most of us have kids who give up when learning gets hard, and that's why I encourage you to check out IXL.com slash Kirk. IXL is an online learning program that can be used by any student from K to 12, whether they are struggling in a particular subject or homeschooling. Kids love IXL's positive feedback awards and educational games. IXL encourages kids to find joy in learning through video tutorials that guide your child in the way your child learns best. Each activity on IXL helps your child build the way your child learns best. Each activity on iXcel helps your child build up

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Starting point is 00:02:21 learning program at the best price. Do you ever wonder why your kids fight you so much, even over little things? Have you ever noticed that the more you care about something, the less your kids do and the more they resist. Have you noticed that you cannot push these strong willed kids, you must lead them and draw them. Have you noticed they often reject what you want first until they can touch the hot stove and own it themselves?

Starting point is 00:02:50 Ever notice the more you try to get them to move, the slower they go in the morning, your anxious voice, come on, get up, got to go, school, school, school, let's go, will cause them to dive under the sheets. They are not rejecting you. They are rejecting your parental anxiety. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us at CelebrateCalm.com or on Instagram and TikTok at Calm Parenting Podcast. So after 25 years of doing this,

Starting point is 00:03:21 I believe 100% that our biggest enemy as parents is not our kids, not society, not schools. It is our own anxiety, our control issues, our reactivity. Those are the three things I struggled with most. But when I finally learned how to control them, the power struggles dissipated. I was able to de-escalate situations more quickly and effectively. I could slow my world down inside to problem solve and all my relationships improved, including my relationship with myself. And the good news is we can only control one thing in life ourselves.

Starting point is 00:04:02 In the 30 Days to Calm program, I go through 10 concrete action steps to get to the root of our issues and begin breaking negative patterns. In this podcast, I'm going to focus solely on the very first step because it will change your home quickly if you put some energy into this over the summer. Now if you have our Get Everything package and haven't done so yet, then use this as an opportunity. Go through the 30 Days to Calm Workbook and Challenge. Be honest and compassionate with yourself as you go through this. You are breaking deeply

Starting point is 00:04:38 ingrained response patterns that affect just about everything you do in life. So step number one, control your own personal and parental anxiety. There are two parts to this anxiety in my experience. Now I personally struggle with my own anxiety of feeling like when is the other shoe going to drop even though things are going well. It lives in my stomach. It occasionally causes this general feeling in the background of being on high alert for something. It's not debilitating, but it is aggravating

Starting point is 00:05:15 and it does upset my stomach at times. I think some of this stems from my experience as a kid. Now we covered childhood trauma a bit back in February. I don't use this as an excuse. It's covered childhood trauma a bit back in February. I don't use this as an excuse. It's just an explanation that makes sense. I was a really sensitive kid whose antennae was up wondering when my dad was going to attack my mom verbally or physically. When I'd hear my mom's screeches. The outbursts and anger came from nowhere and out of the blue, so I think that's part of it.

Starting point is 00:05:47 I couldn't predict it. Plus, I just don't like little unknowns and new experiences, so my first automatic response to being asked to do anything new is almost always, no. And many of your kids exhibit that same reflexive, no, they're just buying a little time to process and consider their options. And if I'm anxious and on edge, it can cause me to be short, to snap at my family. It can cause me to look inward too much because I'm trying to control my own anxiety

Starting point is 00:06:20 and everything else. So I'm looking too inward, so I'm not present with my loved ones. It can cause me to be controlling and I know that when I'm feeling sick physically I get very particular about things around the house and I want everything just so. I can become very picky. That's because when I get the sense that my body is out of order so so to speak, I try to create order outwardly, usually at the expense of relationships, and that's not cool.

Starting point is 00:06:53 So knowing that you're like that, good. Okay, now I can deal with that. So you've heard me say a million times, our primary goal is always to control ourselves first. It's the key to everything. And I know if I proactively work on alleviating my anxiety, everyone around me benefits. So I normalize the anxiety instead of denying it or feeling guilty about it. It just is. It's normal. So I deal with it. I set aside even two

Starting point is 00:07:22 minutes in the morning to reflect and go through my daily affirmations because that grounds me. The daily affirmations include gratitude, a recognition that everything just doesn't have to be solved now. That in the larger picture everything's okay. That I don't have to control people or things. This is where personal faith comes into play to provide perspective and reassurance. Physical exercise and fresh air are key for me. Having a physical goal, pushing myself a bit can work off some of that ick. And if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice I hike a lot. And it's the best therapy ever.

Starting point is 00:08:00 So figure out what works for you. I also like to do the opposite of what my anxiety is compelling me to do. So next time you're in a rush, purposefully allow one person to cut in front of you at the grocery store, the post office, and traffic. When you're feeling really tight financially, even give a small amount of money to another person who needs it. It releases something inside of you and gives you a sense of power back. Now the anxiety that attacks almost every parent on the planet is our anxiety about our child's future. Every good parent gets anxious about whether their child is going to be successful

Starting point is 00:08:40 and happy, but your anxiety never ever helps her works. In fact, anxiety causes the exact opposite response that you want from your kids. You've seen this. When you begin the morning rushing your kids, they can hear it in your voice and that's why they dive back under the sheets. When you say, move, move, get to the car. Instead of running more quickly, your kids move more slowly. Why? Because they know when you and I are in that anxious mode, nothing they do will please you. They are not rejecting your authority. They are rejecting your anxiety. When you lecture your kids constantly, it backfires.

Starting point is 00:09:18 They ignore you and discount what you say. The more words you use, the less valuable they become. When you get on your kids about every little thing, they don't thank you for being so conscientious. They fight you. When you react to them pushing your buttons, they are now in control of you. The truth is that you and I create so many power struggles over issues that don't matter, all because of our own anxiety. When you lecture, it sends this message to your kids. I don't trust you to make a good decision, so I'm going to keep badgering you.

Starting point is 00:09:58 You can't actually do it on your own. After all, what would I do if I didn't have to be responsible for you? See, this isn't really about you, or daughter it's about me. You are saying this with your lectures. I don't really believe you can be successful so I spend 95% of my energy trying to fix what's wrong with you instead of spending that time cultivating your natural gifts and passions, because of my anxiety over your future, I am going to harp on you over and over again. So no, I don't trust that you have what it takes, and I'm more worried about my own legacy,

Starting point is 00:10:39 because if you don't turn out well, then I will have been a failure, and I can't live with that. You're also saying this. By the way way there's no blaming guilt in this, right? It's just what we it's what we do and I want to point it out so we can say, oh I need to change that. We're also saying this, the problem isn't really yours it's mine. I have this vision of how life was supposed to be and I feel compelled to make our family life perfect but I can't and so I'm going to try to make all these little insignificant things just so because that will give me the illusion that things are actually okay. Now if you have a strong-willed child they're likely not going to live up to your expectations. They may do the bare minimum to get by. They may appear selfish.

Starting point is 00:11:27 They don't try their hardest. They fight you over everything and they make even easy things difficult. Your child may procrastinate, be impulsive, disorganized, and unmotivated. So your natural response is to project into the future and think how is this child ever going to be successful? Who is going to marry this child who is going to hire this child? Right. Have you ever thought that of course you have and this can begin early in preschool when your child can't sit still in Circle time it will flare up when you notice that your middle schooler sits in the same hoodie for 18 straight days playing video games. This is all normal. But if not checked, your parental anxiety can have devastating effects. Because our anxiety causes us to focus relentlessly on all of our child's weaknesses and negative traits.

Starting point is 00:12:21 We lecture and micromanage. If you would just deploy yourself, you're capable so much more. I want you to try your hardest at everything. Recognize that's an unrealistic expectation that none of us keep. You don't try your hardest at everything. Only the things you care about. That's the way it's supposed to work. But we want our kids to try their hardest at things we care about. And I promise you, once you step back and give them space, they will step up, but not if you are micromanaging them and being responsible for them. Because this causes your child to shut down or resist even harder. What they

Starting point is 00:13:05 know is they can never satisfy our parental anxiety. Nothing they do will ever please us. This focus, constant relentless focus on their negatives creates endless power struggles and a kid who's not confident and it will ultimately destroy the relationship. Not to mention it won't motivate your kids. Okay, so let's reverse this now. Here are seven action steps that are doable. So let's begin these. Usually every spring I get stuffy and congested from allergies, but it didn't happen this

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Starting point is 00:15:46 slash com to notice the benefits of AG1's next-gen for yourself. That's drinkag1.com slash com. Okay number one simply acknowledge this pattern is happening in your home. Why do these traits irritate you or make you concerned about your child's future? Is it because you don't want your child making the same mistakes you did? That's a big one for me. Is it because your kids embarrass you? Is it simply because you're afraid they won't be successful or they'll be rejected? Those are all normal. Number two, address this with your child if appropriate. Hey, does it seem like I'm always lecturing and micromanaging you?

Starting point is 00:16:29 Okay, I need to apologize for that. That's my issue, not yours. Don't grovel. Don't go on and on about it. Your kids don't want to hear you talking all the time. Just acknowledge it because that's truth. That is sometimes validating or healing for your child and introduces some accountability to you to change. Number three, the best apology is

Starting point is 00:16:52 actually changing your behavior. So let's begin here. For the next week I want you to simply affirm your kids for what they are already doing well. Just notice and recognize this. Look, praise is simply a statement of fact and make it specific. When you want to lecture about your child's future, praise and create a different vision instead. Specific concrete praise is effective at changing your child's behavior.

Starting point is 00:17:21 It also will help you build a closer relationship and alleviate your anxiety because you begin to see your child differently. So let's find two good choices your child has made. Use specific matter-of-fact praise. Keep it short and sweet. Plant a lot of little seeds, then walk away and give it time to sink in because you know your kids don't like overt praise. They reject it. Hey, when your sister looked at you, said that to you, you walked away. That shows me you're growing up.

Starting point is 00:17:48 Hey, I noticed you lost at that board game earlier. I heard you start to complain, but then you caught yourself and said, good game to your brother. Man, a lot of adults can't even do that. Proud of you. Hey, I know that you took that money off the counter, but later you brought it back and apologize. That's a mature way to handle it.

Starting point is 00:18:05 That's really good way to do it, right? Even simple things, a little fist bump. I sometimes just give Casey a fist bump. Look, he's a grown man now. There are times where occasionally, I just give him a fist bump when he's made a good choice or done something well. And that goes a long way.

Starting point is 00:18:23 Notice when they have used their creativity, ingenuity, their leadership, compassion, that pig-headed determination and problem-solving. Find areas in which your kids excel. As you begin doing this, you will change how your kids view themselves and how you view them and their future. And I know at you know what, as a guy at first, I was like, well, if I just praise my son, he's gonna get soft and won't even try harder. You know what I learned?

Starting point is 00:18:52 The more I recognized what Casey was doing well, the harder he worked for me. And man, it feels so much better than just being irritated and critical all the time. Men, by the way, stop the criticism. It is not motivating. Your kids will shut down. It doesn't work. Number four, use this phrase a lot.

Starting point is 00:19:14 I believe you're capable. Hey, I believe you're capable of using your creativity to overcome your own boredom. I believe you're capable of using that great brain of yours to figure this out, to problem solve, to come up with a solution without me having to fix it or micromanage you. Begin using this phrase when they're young. I believe you're capable. Number five, every time you get that urge to lecture or micromanage, sit down. Just sit or focus on something you can control in the moment that isn't

Starting point is 00:19:46 them or another human. Organize a closet or drawer. Do dishes. Clean a shelf. But begin to catch yourself. Look, early on I asked Casey to use a code word when I began to lecture because lecturing was second nature to me and I needed a reminder until I learned how to catch myself. Number six, begin to write notes and speak positive words about your child's future, even if you don't fully believe it yet. I remember a huge breakthrough when I, look, I used to get so frustrated about Casey playing Call of Duty 2. He's sitting in his hoodie sweatshirt and he played stupid video games and I

Starting point is 00:20:26 wanted him outside doing all the things I did as a kid. I thought he was never going to do anything productive in life. And then I did, I realized he did exhibit many of the traits necessary for success in life. Not just how or when I wanted. not with schoolwork or chores or cleaning his room, but he did it when he was playing his video games. And I said, Casey, you are goal-oriented, driven, persistent, and a leader. You know when I see those traits? When you're playing video games. Because you never give up. You don't do your homework or chores or eat or sleep until you've gotten to the next level. I'm kind of kidding there. What that tells me is when you care about something, oh you are

Starting point is 00:21:13 goal-oriented, driven, and persistent. Isn't that true? Look, when your kids are helping other people, a neighbor, they're often exhibiting all these traits. They're conscientious. They focus. They follow through. They're polite. Notice that. And I told Casey, I see you being a leader when you play. One day when you get a vision for your life, oh you're gonna use all these traits. You're gonna crush it in life. And then I walked out of the room and drank. I'm kidding. I don't drink. But you'll just feel like it, right?

Starting point is 00:21:49 But the truth is your kids do exhibit these traits, just not with chores and school work and things you care about. So you have to be the grown up and see that. You have to fight your parental anxiety and not dump that on your kids. Because now you are creating a vision of who they can be, who they will be, just not who they are in this moment. That is one of your big battles and you can do that. You have to choose to do it. Look at them differently. Number seven, perspective.

Starting point is 00:22:20 Your strong will kids are often just not very good at the kid world, but they are great in the adult world. I like I used to joke that Casey was virtually useless as a kid, but if you gave him an adult responsibility, he was conscientious other adults loved him and the good news is you're not raising a child to be a child. You are raising them to be responsible adults. You are raising them to be responsible adults. So notice that. Remind yourself of that. Give them adult jobs. Put them in situations in which they succeed. Now if you stop listening now

Starting point is 00:22:57 and you just worked on this alone for the next week, it would make a big difference immediately. So let's do this but I'm gonna add one more goal for you to work on this week, because it's kind of related. I want you to practice imperfection every day, because many of you struggle with this. I struggled with this for 35 years. It was an inheritance from my childhood and a dad who was never happy with us

Starting point is 00:23:21 unless we did everything perfectly. And it nearly destroyed my relationship with my family and it kept me from enjoying my life. It's an evil evil thing to me so I have little tolerance for it. Now you must begin to practice imperfection daily. Right? Do everything with excellence but do small things imperfectly on purpose. Look you're gonna know I try to model this on the podcast. I mess up.

Starting point is 00:23:46 I misspeak. I do things wrong. And I leave that and I began as I used to record all of our downloadable programs in a recording studio. And we used to go back and fix things and rerecord. But if you listen to them now, because I constantly update all of our programs with new content, you'll hear me misspeak and you'll hear me flub things and go back. I do that on purpose to free myself from constantly thinking, well, I have to do everything perfectly.

Starting point is 00:24:16 So purposefully leave a couple of dishes in the sink overnight. Just a couple, not all of them. I'm a realist. Write a note and send it even though you had to scratch something out or maybe not. That's a tough one. You make a meal and it's not complete. It's good but instead of fixing two side dishes you only fix one. You don't turn the clothes right side out when doing laundry. Your kids can do that. Do that when moms and dads, when you just deliver

Starting point is 00:24:46 it to the room, whatever you do, and let them unfold. Let them do some of this. And you just do that. Look, this past year we kept our Christmas tree a little off center. Why? Because it's just a little signal that says our lives can be happy and complete and we don't have to do everything perfectly. As you begin to practice imperfection consistently, you'll learn to be content when everything isn't just so. And I guarantee your kids and spouse will thank you. Practice it in small bites and then take a deep breath and

Starting point is 00:25:25 live with it and sit in it. We went through that with messes. Sometimes today, this weekend, sit in the midst of a little bit of a mess. Sit in it without it triggering you. Okay, we've got our mission for the week moms and dads. Begin working through this action plan. You can do this. It feels so good to be free from personal and parental anxiety and it will change your kids' responses and behavior very quickly. I promise the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. So just change yourself. If you're ready to deep dive, do a deep dive into this, take advantage of the summer sale at CelebrateCalm.com.com Let's get a new look you can have a new

Starting point is 00:26:06 Family life over the summer by the end of the summer just by working on this Since you're not gonna be fighting over homework all summer Work on yourself work on this stuff as a family listen to the strong will child program first and the 30 days to calm And then you can go through the rest of let your kids listen to the straight talk for one kids program from Casey so they can learn how to control themselves and their emotions over the summer. It's really cool. If we can help in any way, let us know. Okay.

Starting point is 00:26:35 Love you all. I believe you're capable of controlling your own anxiety and practicing imperfection. I believe you're capable because you are. Okay. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.

Calm Parenting Podcast - 7 Ways to Stop Negative Behavior & Control Your Own Anxiety #483

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