Calm Parenting Podcast - A Grumbling, Growling Child: 3 Ideas For Defiance & Complaining

Episode Date: December 4, 2022

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and asked about that. And I was like, look, we can't, we can't put up with this. We need to let her know that that is not appropriate behavior and she needs to stop doing that. And so I wrote back and I'm like, look, I'm with you on the ultimate goal. You want a family that demonstrates mutual respect. We want to model to our kids and have them emulate selflessness toward others and all those things. Totally good with that. And so we can work on that. But realize the disrespect, that tone are outward manifestations of something else going on that. But realize the disrespect, that tone, are outward manifestations of something else going

on inside. And that's what we need to address, right? So before we change outward behavior through consequences or punishment, I like to address the inner heart issues first. And this doesn't mean being soft and understanding everything and letting them get away. No, it doesn't mean that. But what I'm most interested in right now is this. What is at the root of your child arguing, getting the last word, being defiant, being nasty? What's in there? Because most of the kids we work with feel like things are out of their control. They even feel out of control themselves and they don't always feel good inside. So they

argue and cause chaos to stimulate their brains because sometimes that's how they feel connection in the deepest way, even though it's negative. And so I asked like, tell me a little bit more about your daughter. And so, see, it's really interesting when people, when you talk to people about things, it's always the initial negative outward, how can we stop this? And then once you peel back the layers a little bit, you find out like, oh, there's something else going on. So in the interest of time,

on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I'm gonna give you three steps that I advise this mom to take, and I hope you can do that this week with your own child, and let's see how that works, okay? So for those who don't know, my name is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at celebratecalm.com.

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You can ask him about how he was defiant when he was a little child and what it was really, a little kid and what it was really about. And he'll help you out with it. So here are the three things that I talked to this mom about, right? Because this was, you know, she gave me some good insight into the underlying frustration that her daughter felt on a consistent basis because this little girl has some perfectionist tendencies, just like her mom said she did when she was a child right well if you have some perfectionist tendencies it's you know when you feel physically off some days you just don't feel well well you walk around on edge and little things set you

off and that's why little side note a lot of our kids who have gut issues or a lot of your kids will only eat simple carbs and things like that because they've got some gut issues or they've got anxiety. Well, their stomach feels a little bit icky. Well, they walk around and they're a little bit on edge. And so you just have to look for the root of it. So just trying to change the outward behavior is only going to result in more inward frustration and hostility. So let's experiment with this. Number one, let's give your daughter, your son, a few special missions this week as the older sister. In this situation, this was an older child who's bossy and wants to control the younger kids. Well,

who doesn't, right? Controlling other people is kind of fun, right? It's frustrating for them and for you, but still, I get why we do it because if I don't feel in control of myself, well, I'm going to control other people. If I'm a little kid, I'm going to control the game. I'm going to change the rules of the game. I'm going to cheat, so you can't really play board games with them. They do all kinds of things in order to get some control out. So we're going to give her a few special missions this week as the older sister. Ways that she can have grown-up responsibilities. Look, big insight. Strong willed kids often do adult things really well. They don't often do kid things that well. So I often give them actually grown-up adult responsibilities that she's good at doing and this falls under the category of we're going to create successes

Between now and the new year and then after New Year, but I want you to create successes Stop trying to fix stuff that's going wrong and start building on the stuff that is already good, right? In this sense, what we're doing is proactively, proactively trying to create successes by playing to your child's strengths, right? That makes sense, doesn't it? And it's sort of like making the child your deputy, your special helper, giving them responsibilities, right? Often do that like if one of the spouses travels for work and then there's just one alone and the other child is there

and like dad or mom isn't at home. It's like, hey, when I'm gone, you're gonna be the deputy helper. You're gonna be in charge of X. Just give them a grownup responsibility and just see how they do with that. Number two, try using positive intensity when your child is getting frustrated. So this little girl will at times even

growl and she just gets very very difficult and that triggers parents. Look I'll do the celebrate calm thing with you. I'll validate your feelings. You should feel frustrated. You should feel upset when your child growls at you, when they don't respond with, yes ma'am, yes sir. Totally get that. But I'm asking you to grow up, to not take things personally. You're the grown adult. They're a child, right? Like look, let's normalize some of this stuff. What do you expect especially your strong-willed child to say? Mom, Dad, look, I really wasn't having a good time doing what I was doing. I was hoping you would interrupt me and come tell me to do some chores

and maybe do some extra homework so that I could show you and prove to you how responsible I am. Who says that, right? So I'm not excusing them growling and being defiant and huffing and puffing. I'm just saying it's normal. Don't take it personally, right? I'll give you a fun thing. I may have done this on a previous podcast, but I'll just do it now anyway. So your teenage daughter changed all the passwords on her screens. And so you just come in, instead of creating drama, say, hey, honey, totally get why you did that.

Just want you to know by three o'clock this afternoon, all the passwords need to be reset or you lose the phone, router gets cut off, et cetera. And what I said in that podcast, I think was, I expect the daughter to say, oh, you guys are so annoying. My friend's parents don't make their kids do it. I don't know what you do. Of course she's going to say that. I'm not going to react to that. You know what? You know what, honey? You know what? You should be grateful that you even have a phone. When we were kids, there's no need for that. And a funny thing you can do at times,

as long as you do it with a smile and not in a resentful way, is when your kids come and ask you for something or take them somewhere, do the same thing. Oh, you're so annoying. Always asking me to take you places. And then just have a big smile. If you're bitter about it, that's your issue. And we'll talk about that another time. But this daughter makes things unpleasant.

But look, I'm going to be, let me just be blunt. It can only be unpleasant if you choose to allow it to become unpleasant. There can only be power struggles if two people choose to make it a power struggle. I choose not to make things power struggles with children. And I also choose not to make power struggles with grown adults over certain things. I have a choice in whether I enter into that power struggle or if I de-escalate it. Or if, as I do with many adults, I just don't say anything. Because I don't have to fix. It's not my job to fix everybody else. I have a hard enough

time just fixing myself. And that's what I should be focused on. What do I need to work on? Not what everybody else needs to work on. What do I need to work on? So just drop it and stop it. Stop reacting. So when she does begin to growl, just come by and whisper or say in a low voice with some intensity, I'd be really frustrated too. And then just walk on by. Space is really important with the strong will kids. Have you heard me say that like 8,000 times? Right? So I walk by, you know what? I'd be really frustrated too. And then walk on by. You know why? Because you're identifying with the frustration. You're validating it. At some point, you could even say, you know what? When I was a kid, I used to feel the same way, right? Little things not going right really bothered me. Or if you want to be honest with your kids, take out when I was a kid, right? You know

what? Little things not going right really bother me now. It's frustrating. Because here's the really cool thing. If at some point you want to, you could also look, well, look, you're validating and you're making it normal. And now you're going to give her a solution to it. But you know what you could say sometime?

You know what I like about you? I like that quality in you. Because it means you care about doing a really good job. And that is a great quality to have, right? So stop. I'm encouraging you to stop reacting and start teaching. So she's grumbling because she is a perfectionist at times. And so coming alongside, oh man, I'd be really frustrated too. That's going to throw your child off. It's a really affirming thing to do.

And you get to say, you know what? I know why you're like that. Because you care so much. Because you're conscientious about the kind of job that you're doing. And did you know that the number one quality necessary for success in life? Conscientiousness. And you've got it. That's awesome, honey.

It's just frustrating. Of course you're frustrated. You put a lot of time and effort into this and it doesn't go the right way. Of course you're frustrated. But then you can show her how to deal with that, right? So let's affirm what's underneath first before we deal with her outward reaction.

And I'm asking you as parents to make peace with the growling and the grumbling for now, just for now. Because what I really know deep down is if you get to the root of it, you're not going to have to deal with it the other way, right? So number three, when your daughter or your son is getting frustrated and upset, instead of reacting to the outward manifestation, come up with three or four activities or missions or challenges your child can do in that moment that give her some sense of control, that make her feel successful, something she's good at doing, right? Because now you're taking her from, I feel out of control and I'm really frustrated.

I'm going to grumble and I don't know what to do with it to, oh honey, you know what I was wondering? I was wondering if you could help me do X or I bet you couldn't do and give them more adult kind of thing to do, something they're good at. Because when you do that, you are now building up their confidence to say, yeah, I know that's frustrating, but man, look, here's another one. I'll end with this. When you get frustrated, when little things bother you, let them see you going and doing some pushups, doing something that brings you back to equilibrium and calm inside of you. You are modeling for them how to actually deal with frustration. It is the thing that I did when Casey was little when I was starting to change and I would come home and say, oh man, so traffic was backed up. My boss was just all over me today. I am frustrated. Casey,

would you do some push-ups with me? And I'd get down on the ground and do push-ups. And you know what I was doing? I was modeling for him. I get frustrated. I get PO'd. I have bad days. But instead of walking in, yelling at you, slamming the door, and grumbling, I do my push-ups. Let's do that this week. Let's create successes. If we can help you with this, reach out to us, Casey, at CelebrateCalm.com.

Take advantage of our Christmas sale. It is an awesome thing to have the tools as you begin the new year to be able to actually make these changes and make them stick and make them last long term. Love you all. You're good parents. This is a hard job. We appreciate you digging into this. We appreciate you sharing the podcast.

And we'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.