Calm Parenting Podcast - An Instruction Manual For Connecting With Your Strong-Willed Child

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

An Instruction Manual For Connecting With Your Strong-Willed Child I didn’t like our son when he was little and that nearly destroyed my relationship with him.  I had to wrestle emotionally with my own demons, challenge my deepest-held beliefs, and learn how to relate in healthy ways to a child that was challenging. I want to save you from the same pain and give you an instruction manual for connecting with these kids. Our Back-To-School Sale Continues This Week. Don't begin the school year with power struggles. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products/ to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. AG1 Visit https://drinkAG1.com/calm for a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D3K2 AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase. SIMPLISAFE Protect your home this summer with 20% off any new SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring. Just visit https://simplisafe.com/calm.   AIR DOCTOR AirDoctor comes with a 30-day money back guarantee so if you don’t love it, just send it back for a refund, minus shipping! Head to https://airdoctorpro.com/ and use promo code CALM and you’ll receive UP TO $300 off air purifiers! PHYLA Tackle acne’s root causes for clearer, healthier skin for your child. Get 25% off your first order of Phyla with the code CALM. Go to https://phyla.com and type in the code CALM. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So do you have a child that's just kind of difficult to connect with at times? Maybe it's a child who just does things in such a different way and you don't always really understand them. And that can be tough. And I have to admit to my shame, I didn't like our son when he was little. And that nearly destroyed my relationship with him because I struggled with how to connect with him. And I know a lot of parents feel the same way, especially dads who thought they'd be able to connect over

sports. But then you have a child who doesn't want to participate in team sports. But the hardest part for me was that Casey upended all my preconceived notions of how kids are supposed to behave and how family life was supposed to go. Because he came out of the womb with boxing gloves on, persistent and curious and wanting to do things his own way, which was only a problem because I wanted him to do it my way, not realizing my control issues were the real issue. He was emotional and strong-willed and sensitive and obstinate.

And everything just seemed hard. And I fought it. And I tried to make him in my image. And what Casey ultimately did was force me to confront my own impatience, my inability to control my own emotions and my own behavior. Look, it was embarrassing. I was a grown man. I was capable of being so competent at work and sports, but I was kind of helpless when it came to being a father. And I could, like, work. Look, for me, working hard on professional projects, at sports, at climbing mountains,

sure, that's tough. It can be exhausting mentally and physically, but I'm kind of naturally good at those things. What Casey required of me, maybe what he forced me to wrestle with, was much harder because it forced me to dig deep inside, to wrestle emotionally with my own demons, to challenge my deepest held beliefs, to learn how to relate in healthy ways to a child that was just challenging. And in the end, it forced me to finally grow up. Look, these kids are tough, and it doesn't help that we're all flawed from our own childhoods. We're basically kind of like big flawed kids trying to raise little flawed kids. And no one gives you an instruction manual for raising these strong-willed kids. Look no one gives you an instruction manual for raising these strong-willed kids. Look, that's why you find our podcast, because all the traditional methods just

kind of backfire. So I want to give you that roadmap, that instruction manual. So on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to show you three concrete, powerful ways to connect with and build, or for as many of you, rebuild your relationship with your strong-willed child. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. So look, obviously we have to learn to accept our strong-willed child as he or she is because nothing good can happen if there isn't a deep level of acceptance. But beyond that is a very powerful step. I want you to release your child from your expectations. And I believe this could be the most powerful step there is.

It's deep. It will affect both you and your kids. Now, I'm going to go through a bunch of things, right? Some statements. You don't have to say all of these things directly to your kids like this, but some of them you could. It's more about your attitude toward them and what you value. But you can verbalize this for some of the kids. You could write your child a short note.

You could text this to teenagers. But short and sweet is always good. So let me just roll through these. I release you from thinking you have to be just like me. I release you from thinking you have to do things the way I would do them. I release you to be the person you're supposed to be, not the one I want you to be. I release you from thinking you have to be the person you're supposed to be, not the one I want you to be. I release you from thinking you have to be convenient or good for me to like you. I release you to be who you are supposed to be, not to be a little me. I release you from thinking you need to be like your siblings. You don't. You're supposed to be

different and I'm glad you are. Now look, I'm going to stop here. Look, some of these things are very hard because they might have a sibling that's very easy and inside I'm kind of like, I wish you were like your sister. She doesn't cause any problems, does all of her homework, has a great attitude, never complains, never has meltdowns, just does what she's supposed to do. I get that. But if that's deep inside there, look, those things ultimately come out in your words, in your body posture, in your tone, and your kids know it and they can feel it. And it will sabotage your relationship. And these things will drive a lot of anger deep inside your kids. And when we get to the teen years, I know this happens a lot with teenage boys, especially if they have a dad who's never really accepted them.

They will internalize a lot of anger and they will begin acting out. What they're saying is, you know what? You never really believed in me. You think that I'm a loser. Well, guess what? Now I'm going to show you how big of a loser I am. And they'll do it just to spite you. They'll hurt themselves even.

So we don't want that. So some of these are kind of aspirational. But I think in giving voice to them, it begins to change the way you see your kids. I release you from the false expectations of society and ask you to forgive me for comparing you to others, to their peers, to their siblings. I release you from following arbitrary rules and expectations that you know inside are simply erroneous or stupid. I release you to do what's right. Look, there are a lot of arbitrary rules and expectations that we get from schools and that we get from churches.

And our kids have a really sensitive BS meter and they're like, why do we need to do that? It doesn't make sense. And that's why I encourage you at the beginning of the school year, you have to write down, make a list of all the qualities necessary to be successful in school. What are the qualities necessary to be successful in the real world? Because I'm raising my child to be

successful as an adult. I release you from thinking that grades and behavior are the most important qualities to attain or develop, when in fact it's your persistence, your compassion, ingenuity, creativity, and your desire to help others that will make you wildly successful in life. See, doing this helps you prioritize what you focus on during their childhood because I want you to focus on the larger qualities your kids need to succeed in life. And being successful is not just earning a good living, it's having healthy relationships and just feeling good about yourself and content inside with who you are. I release you from the artificial timelines that society and schools propagate. There's no one path and kids

who have busy brains have great ideas and they're deeper processors of information. That's why you connect better with adults and excel in the adult world. And I want to take the pressure off of you to conform to someone else's timeline. I free you from comparison to others. If you bloom a little later, know that when you do bloom, it will be spectacular. So take your time. Don't force it. And you'll know when it's time to go to the next level, to the next step. I release you to discover and follow the path you are supposed to take, not the path that I or others have wanted you to take. Not the path that is more convenient.

Not the easier path. Because these kids don't want the easy path. They're stove touchers. They often want to learn by doing it the hard way. Forgive me for trying to make you be like everyone else. I want you to be uniquely you because we need your creativity, your ingenuity. We need your perspective.

Now, an aside for older kids. I want you to know that some strong will kids are simply not going to do much until they discover a vision for their life using their unique gifts and passions. And this may not happen. It may not happen until they discover a vision for their life using their unique gifts and passions. And this may not happen. It may not happen until they're 15, until they're 17, until they're 20, until they're 23. I have a brother who didn't go to college until he was 23,

then became the world's foremost expert in his field with multiple degrees. He became an awesome dad. See, some kids just lie dormant, so to speak, and it will freak you out. It should freak you out. I'm normalizing that. But you must give your kids opportunities to use their natural gifts, talents, and passions and definitely feed their curiosity instead of just bugging them to do their schoolwork all the time. I have had kids tell their parents, look, I'm not ready to go to college yet because I don't want to waste time and money if I don't know what I want to do or what I want to major in. Look, that's smart. So let them

get a job or multiple jobs and work until they mature. Look, 18 is an arbitrary age. Many of us change careers several times throughout our 20s and 30s as we accumulate experiences. By the way, release your teens and tweens from thinking they have to have their lives figured out already by that time. They don't. But a lot of our kids live under a lot of pressure of like, well, do you know what you're going to do yet? And like, I'm 12. No. Some of you have kids whose ideal path. pressure of like, well, do you know what you're going to do yet? And like, I'm 12. No, some of you have kids whose ideal path, and I'm not recommending this, but I'm just saying this

could be your child. Maybe to drop out of school at age 15 or 16 to work different jobs because our kids often excel at and enjoy their jobs, get their GED, and start taking classes at a local community college. And I know that's going to freak you out, but it is a fantastic option for some kids. You know they're not doing their schoolwork in their final two years of high school, and if they just stay in there going through the motions, you're just going to fight the whole time. It'll probably give them lots of opportunities to get into a lot of trouble. So in some cases, good, get your GED, go to a local community college, rack up a bunch of credits that don't cost a whole lot. And then when they mature, they can transfer to a regular university.

Raise the child you have, not the one you wanted. Now, what about younger kids? Let's go ahead and tackle that next. So I think you can do the following for kids that, let's say kids under seven and toddlers. And look, they're not even going to understand what you're saying, but it's important to begin early because this helps you determine what is important to you and focus on the right thing. And I promise you, if you do this from an early age, it will prevent a lot of these teenage issues. So younger child, I release you from the expectation that you're supposed to sit perfectly still in a circle. You're not. You're supposed to explore and

be curious and make messes and be silly. And look, I'm not. You're supposed to explore and be curious and make messes and be silly. And look, I'm not saying you're supposed to run around the room and be disruptive and never listen to any adult. I didn't say that. I'm just saying some of your kids are going to get judged very, very early because they can't sit perfectly still in a circle and listen to someone talk about things they're not interested in. It doesn't mean they're going to grow up and be a sociopath or not be successful. It just means it's very normal for kids to want to run around when they're young. I release you from the expectation that you're supposed to enjoy doing worksheets. No, you're supposed to learn primarily from playing and roughhousing and making mistakes. I release you from the expectation that you're supposed to always

make good choices. You're not. You're supposed to be impulsive and follow your curiosity and bump your head and fall down and learn from your mistakes. I'm telling you, when you say that, it just helps reframe things because they're always like, make good choices, honey. Make good choices. Look, what if someone, what if I, because I'm annoying, came to your house and like every day, I was like, you know, make good choices today. You would hate me. It's patronizing. And it's like, look, I don't know what the alternative is there. I don't want to go around and say, hey, I hope at school today you're impulsive and make some bad decisions so you can learn from them. But in a sense, that's what they're supposed to do

when they're little. Take some of that pressure off. Look, it's taking pressure off of yourself because I know there are all kinds of other people who judge you. Oh, well, your child isn't able to do this at age six. No, they're not supposed to. Your child isn't curious and doesn't have any thoughts of his own. He's boring. Our child is always making mistakes. Why? Because that's when you want them to make mistakes. So normalize it a little bit and take some of the pressure off of yourself so you don't get judged by everybody. By the way, that won't keep you from getting judged by everybody else. They're still going to judge you. You just won't react

to it and change how you parent your child. Let them judge. I release you from the expectation that you're supposed to move according to my arbitrary agenda or develop according to some arbitrary guideline. I release myself from trying to force this and comparing my child to others. Look, all those guidelines are just, it's a guideline. Well, by age four, by age six, BS. Don't believe all that stuff. You have a strong willed child. They're going to be ahead in some areas. They're going to be behind in other areas. Throw that stuff out and stop. It's all arbitrary. I release you to be a child and enjoy being a kid without all the pressures we impose on you.

I release myself to just enjoy being your mom, your dad, your grandparent, without thinking I have to constantly correct or discipline you all the time. I cannot tell you how important this is. I've had to do this even with our grown son, because he and I, Casey and I are a lot alike, but we also have significant differences. And he's grown up thinking, well, he needs to be like his father to do this, celebrate, calm the way I've done it. And who knows, one day when he has kids, he may take over or we might do like an old dad, young dad podcast. But I don't want him to have to do it the way I do it. I want him to use his unique giftings because they're different from mine. So I continually do say to him, hey, I release you to help people

the way you're made to do it, not the way your mother and father do it. So now would be a good time as well to release yourself from the false expectations you have labored under as a spouse, as a parent. I release you from thinking your job is to make your kids happy and do everything for them. It's not. I release you from thinking your job is to control every situation, every outcome for your child. I release you from thinking you

always have to have the right answers because sometimes there is no right answer. I release you from feeling like your child's behavior is a reflection of you as a parent because it isn't always. Okay, number two, enter into their world. Think about this. Most of the time we put all of our energy into trying to get our kids to do what we care about. Study, organize, get good grades, clean the rooms, have good manners, behave well, do chores, listen. And there's nothing really wrong with that, right? But it's all consuming. And these kids naturally resist that. And it hasn't really worked to this point, has it? So why not change and do the opposite? Enter into your child's world. Stop trying to stand over here and yelling at them and pleading with them

and trying to convince them and force them to be like you enter into their world be curious about what they're interested in you know that child who lays upside down off the sofa instead of just being irritated by it walk in the living room lie upside down next to him or her experience it with him see how he views the world. Huh, I'm curious. You see the world in such a different way and I want to understand that. I've spent too much time trying to change you. I actually want to see the world the way you do because I could actually learn some things from you. Then be quiet and listen. I want you to bond

with your child and here's a fantastic way to do it. Bond over music your child likes. Now, here's the hard part. I'm 99% confident you will hate their music. It's probably like rap or electronic dance music or something you just don't like. So one night while fixing dinner, blast some of their music. Just do it. And your child will immediately get off his or her screens and come ask, like, what are you doing? And it's okay to lie here. Just say, oh yeah, on the way home from work,

I was listening to the radio and they were talking about this rap artist and his story. And I was curious about his life story. So I wanted to listen and learn exactly why his music is so repulsive. I'm kidding. But think that, but don't say it then I am curious What is it about his or her music that resonates with you and then? Listen listen without trying to convince them that it's bad or wrong Just listen without making snide comments or correcting or trying to change your child's opinion Relax with your rigidity. I'm not talking about letting them just listen to whatever they want and smoking weed with your kids. I'm not talking

about that. But I guarantee if you're like me, you're rigid a little bit. You resist everything that's so different about your kids. So I'm talking about entering into your child's world and learning, appreciating, being curious, and finding ways to bond and enjoy this child. Don't allow your fear to drive your child away from you, from the very person whose wisdom he or she needs most. Because when we act out of our fear and anxiety, it drives our kids away. And I use this a lot with Casey to rebuild our relationship. I called it agenda-free time. So every Saturday morning, I do what Casey was interested in. Not every Saturday, but a lot of them. We go to car dealerships and test drive different cars.

And I hated it. But it was agenda-free time when we didn't talk about his attitude, his behavior, his school performance. We simply enjoyed time together doing something he was interested in. So take one of your strong will kids and you can rotate them throughout the month and just do what they're interested in, even if you hate it and don't want to, even if your child doesn't deserve it. And dads, this is huge for you. I want you to do it. It just can't be about what you're interested in.

I guarantee if you do this, it's going to reap such great rewards. And if you don't do it, you'll regret it when you're older. Number three, let your child teach you something. This is a great strategy that will help you bond with your strong-willed child. We're so busy with life and so busy ordering our kids around that they feel like robots. We're always teaching them.

These are bright kids. If you want to connect with them and have them actually come to you and listen to you, then listen to them and ask your child to teach you something even if you aren't interested. Fake it. Ask them to show you something with technology or how to create something. Your child will appreciate this more than you can possibly imagine. Whenever I did this and I'm doing this this coming winter because I want Casey to teach me how to do ski mountaineering. I'm not going to go up like the 10,000 foot ones. I just want to learn how to skin up some small hills and then ski back down. You know what

happens? Whenever I did that with Casey, it's going to happen this winter, it makes your child feel competent. Like they have something to give, something to teach you. And there's a humbling factor of I'm the adult, I'm supposed to be teaching him everything. It's a humbling factor of I'm the adult I'm supposed to be teaching him everything it's a beautiful thing I've noticed with Casey because he is teaching he's taught me how to ski I'm not that great but the irony is he is much more patient teaching me than I was teaching him when he was little I was working with his dad once and he's a security expert, so he hates MacBooks. But his son, of course, loved MacBooks because that's how our kids are. Notice that dynamic.

Casey chose almost everything. He loves almost everything I wasn't good at. Like I was good at regular ball sports, great at all that stuff. He didn't like any of that. Ice skating, hockey, skiing. He learned how to fly planes. I don't like flying in planes, right? So it could be his own thing. So he didn't have to compare. So he didn't have to live up to my false expectations. It's a really fascinating insight. So watch that and put some thought into that. Look, it was, so with his dad, it was like pulling teeth

to get this dad to allow him to show him all the cool features of this MacBook. Well, I don't want to do that. I was like, it's your son. Your son is enthusiastic and passionate about the MacBook. What, what, what is so hard about humbling yourself and letting your son show you something? But what happened is it did humble the dad. It forced him to let down his guard. It allowed his son to feel competent and excited. And it was a big deal. So do that.

Look, you're justified in being angry, frustrated, annoyed. But it doesn't work. It just makes things worse. So do the opposite. Enter into your child's world instead of demanding they pursue what you value. Make your own list of expectations that you can release your child and yourself from. It'll make a huge difference in how you view your child and yourself. I think if I were you, I'd go back, listen to that list of expectations to release your child from. And on Instagram, I'll try to remember

to make a list on some of the posts that I do around this podcast. Write down the ones that resonate with you because I think they're very, very powerful. In the next episode, I'm gonna show you some other cool different tools so you can bond with your kids over things that irritate you. It's going to be awesome. Moms and dads, I have a lot of respect for you.

Thank you for listening. Thanks for letting me challenge you. Thanks for sharing this podcast with others. Thanks for interacting with me on Instagram. I do appreciate it, all that you do. So thank you. Love you all. Much respect to you.

And I'll talk to you next time. Bye-bye.