Calm Parenting Podcast - Anxiety Over New Activities, Summer Camp, Moving, School & More? #485

Episode Date: June 1, 2025

Do you have a child who fights you over going to new places or hemming and hawing about not going to that expensive camp you paid for? Do you have a child who is nervous about family vacation or an upcoming move? Kirk gives you very specific strategies and scripts to overcome anxiety, stop the power struggles, and bond with your child through these big emotions.Our Summer Sale continues this week. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products to take advantage of our Summer Sale on the Get Everything Package. You get 35 hours of practical strategies for the cost of one trip to a therapist. Email [e-mail] with any questions.AG1AG1 Next Gen is a perfect Father’s Day gift! Get a FREE gift with your first order. Go to https://drinkag1.com/calm COZY EARTH—FATHER’S DAY SPECIAL!Go to https://cozyearth.com/ and use code CALM for 40% off all men's apparel. For the Dads who work hard during their 9-5, and deserve the best during their 5-9. IXL LEARNINGGet an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at https://IXL.com/KIRK. SKYLIGHT CALENDARSSkylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch Calendars by going to https://SkylightCal.com/CALMFUNCTION HEALTHAn annual membership with Function Health includes two sets of tests for only $499 per year, BUT our listeners get a $100 credit at​ https://FUNCTIONHEALTH.com/CALM. The $100 credit is only for the first thousand listeners so sign up right now at ​https://FUNCTIONHEALTH.com/CALM. KIWICO.COMBuild the best summer ever with KiwiCo! Get $15 off on your Summer Adventure Series at https://kiwico.com/CALM. ACORNS EARLYHead to https://acornsearly.com/calm to help your kids grow their money skills today. AIR DOCTOR​Head to https://airdoctorpro.com/ and use promo code CALM to get UP TO $300 off an Air Doctor Air Purifier today!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

So here is a killer idea to inspire curiosity and keep your kids' brains active and learning in a fun way this summer. I want you to sign up for a class at ixl.com slash Kirk and for your child to sign up. That way you are learning right alongside your child. They can see you wrestling with ideas, being curious, and at times asking them for help. It's awesome modeling for your kids, and it makes it feel like learning is a family adventure, not something you make them do. iXcel is an award-winning learning platform with an easy-to-navigate layout that uses interactive practice and step-by-step video tutorials that make it perfect for

relaxed summer learning. So what class are you going to take this summer? Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXl.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So do you have a child who will provoke a big power struggle when you just try to get them to go to some new place or try a new activity? Maybe they're already hemming and hawing about not going to that expensive summer camp that they insisted you sign them up for. Maybe a child who refuses to go to school.

Do you have a child who is nervous about family vacation or an upcoming move? Well, most of our kids struggle with anxiety, so I want to give you very specific strategies and scripts to help you with this on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us and our summer sale at Celebrate Calm dot com. Look, when our kids resist, we tend to threaten consequences or try to bribe them. But nothing rational works because anxiety is not rational.

Here is why many of our kids struggle with this so much. We have kids with very busy brains. It feels like thoughts and ideas and emotions are tumbling around like socks in a dryer. Some of our kids are very sensitive to the reactions of others and they struggle to connect with peers so they anticipate feeling awkward or being rejected in new places. So it feels like so much of their lives are out of their control, which is why they try to control other people,

situations and things. They can be bossy, you'll often find little acorns or stones in their pockets. They wanna know exactly what the plan is, and they often meltdown when plans change. When you try to play board games with them, they change rules of the game, cheat or quit. That's a way to control the outcome of the game so they don't lose because if they lose that makes

them feel like a loser. It's why they wear the same hoodie and eat the same foods, usually something like mac and cheese, chicken nuggets, simple carbs because their stomach is upset, partly because of the anxiety. Anxiety is caused by unknowns, things you cannot control. Anxiety tends to create upset stomachs and cause people to control others and things. Some of us find comfort, let's say like in making sure the kitchen sink is clean before bedtime because we know I can't control my spouse or my kids, but my sink is spotless. It provides a sense of internal order. So let me do a few easier quicker examples first than the tougher ones that usually cost you money. Okay vacation example. You're going on vacation this summer so look up the

condo that you're staying in online so that your kids can just get familiar with the layout to know which bedroom is theirs, where it's located. Look, I'm a grown man who travels overseas quite a bit and I still like doing this. I like knowing where local restaurants and outdoor adventure stores are nearby. That familiarity when I walk into that place, even to know where to park, is very settling.

Give your kids a mission. The mission on vacation isn't to just behave and not embarrass you in front of your family. It's a mission they can focus on, preferably some kind of adult job. They can plan outings for one day of your trip, find a grocery store or restaurant they want to go to. The cheapest place to rent a raft or jet skis or bikes. It gives them something they feel in control of and something they're good at doing which is creating a success. So let's say that you're moving to a new city or home. Let them see where it is on Google Maps. They can see where the closest rock climbing place is. Plan some local adventures. If they're older, they can plan where they're gonna meet other kids or get a job. Let them have some control

within your limits of what color to paint their new bedroom. Remember, you want to give them a little bit of ownership, always within your boundaries, and create that familiarity. What about kids who are starting a new school in the fall? Look, do not wait until back to school night to introduce your kids to their new teacher because on those back to school nights, there is so much anxiety in that school. So physically take your kids to the new school over the summer. Let them walk around outside. Get familiar with the playground in the school. Get permission to walk the halls

to see where the cafeteria is. Maybe even to see where their locker is. One of my recurring nightmares that I have, not frequently, but once in a while is I can't remember the combination to my locker and I'm gonna be late to class. See if you can meet someone who's very warm and friendly before school begins like an assistant principal, a guidance counselor, facilities manager, a receptionist in the front office, anyone who will be a familiar face and know your child's name, not just because they're in trouble. For little kids with separation anxiety, watch your tone of voice. If you're like, well honey, you know what, I think you're gonna have a good time today and you know, I'll be back in a couple hours. See, trying to convince or reassure your kids that everything

is okay and using that voice that actually backfires on you. It makes them not believe you at all. So you have to use that confident even matter-of-fact tone even if you have to fake it because otherwise they will pick up on your anxiety. So work on that. Let's give them a mission going into the school. I'd ask a teacher or someone from the school to meet you in the carpool line and say, Oh Rebecca, I'm so excited that you're here today. I could really use your help. Could you come inside and help me with X?

See now you're getting their brain focused on something they can do, something they can control, and that eliminates some of the anxiety and it also helps the teacher get the child away from you and your own anxiety because you've got to work on that. Now here's one that I really love, and this is for older kids

who really struggle with going to school because look, middle school's tough. High school can be. And instead of a teacher or someone saying, Katelyn, you know what? Why haven't you been here all week? You know, if you keep missing classes, you're going to fail.

That's the least helpful thing you could say that guarantees that this girl will not come back again tomorrow. But I guarantee if there were a teacher who said in a very even way, you know what? Nobody knows how much courage it took for you to get here

today, but I'm glad you're here. Now that will get an anxious kid of any age to school. So here's the bigger example. And this was very common with our son Casey. I've asked case, do you want to take that new Taekwondo class this summer? And he'd nod two weeks later, I'd come home and I'd say, hey, gotta go, gotta go.

We've got that new class tonight. Let's get going. And he would of course resist and say, dad, you know, my stomach's kind of upset tonight. Can we just stay home tonight? I promise I'll go next week. And I missed that clue at first. So I, of course, would respond first with a useless bribe.

Hey, if we leave right now, we can stop at McDonald's and get a happy meal. That way we'll all be happy. And that doesn't work. So then I go the resentment and guilt trip route. My tone and face change becomes stern and demanding. You know what? I paid $175 for this class. Your little bet's gonna be there. Well, this demanding tone always triggers your kids to dig in even more. And it wasn't like my son was ever going to say, father, I didn't want to go because I have deep-seated anxiety

about being rejected and failing at this class. But now that I know how much it cost you, I'm motivated and happy to go. That's not happening. And I'm trying a rational, logical approach on a child who is decidedly not rational right now. Anxiety and most of our issues are not rational. They are driven by emotions and fears and anxiety, which is why love and logic is flawed because it assumes that people make rational choices. But we don't. Very few of us do. And our kids

don't care about consequences. So still not learning my lesson, I would then bark out harsh consequences and try to drag them out to the car and put them in the back seat like the cops do with suspects in those cop shows, right? Like hand over the head, like get in the car. And all the neighbors would be watching and that would be awesome.

And you've been there before with all your neighbors witnessing your child being defiant and throwing a huge meltdown and calling you names. That's partially what caused me to learn how to do this differently because at the time we were living in a town home outside Washington DC where we had like 5,000 neighbors all packed together and they could see all of my parenting mistakes right in front of them. And this is when your child stomps his or her feet and declares, no, I'm not going. Tae Kwon Do, stupid.

You're stupid. How many of you have ever gotten that lovely gift as a parent? So in the moment, we usually take this as defiance and disrespect. We react. We double down on the consequences. You know what? If you don't go to this class, no no video games no food for two weeks. All right That's the guy version we threaten consequences. We can't keep but watch this is really important by reacting and taking it personally

We are missing a huge opportunity in this moment to teach to give the child tools That will last him or her a lifetime to deal with their anxiety and we miss the opportunity to bond with them. Look, this is not disrespect. We are misreading it. It's anxiety. If your child could articulate what he or she is feeling, they would say, Mother, Father, I am overwhelmed by all the unknowns this new activity represents.

What if it's really loud and chaotic at that new place I've never been to? What if the Taekwondo instructor isn't patient with me just like a lot of my teachers? What if the other kids pick on me? I struggle with multiple step processes. So what if I'm not good at Taekwondo and I fail? Then I'll feel like a loser and want to quit, but dad will yell at me for being a quitter. So could we retire to the den and speak about my anxiety? See, if they could say that, then you would know what's really going on underneath the surface. But we tend to react and assume the worst. I remember once saying out of frustration, why do you have to make everything so difficult? And that will bruise a child's spirit. It will crush your relationship in ways you cannot imagine. That will make a kid

begin to internalize, I'm a bad kid. I make everything difficult. My mom or my dad don't even like me. Now here's how brilliant your child is without even knowing it. They go right for the jugular. I'm not going. Well, if you were raised like me, man, that'll make you bristle. What makes you think that you can talk to me like that, young man? Right? You're, you are not going to challenge my authority. And then they go to Tae Kwon Do is stupid.

You're stupid. Well, why do they go to taekwondo is stupid. You're stupid Well, why do they go there because they know that then they are going to get sent to their room or worse And that is still preferable To going to this new place because inside they're thinking I would rather get sent to my room with no video games or food Because that's familiar to me. I'm used to that. That's better than going to this new place where I'm going to be rejected by another adult, picked on by peers, and fail again no every way. See, can you kind of see how that works? This is one reason consequences rarely work with these kids.

You're not getting to the root of it, and we're needlessly escalating the situation. So let's rewind this situation and see how we can do it differently with a different result. Learning doesn't have to feel like schoolwork. It can be fun. KiwiCo's new Summer Adventure Series is exactly that, fun and educational. It's six weeks of hands-on projects that spark creativity, critical thinking, and outdoor play. My granddaughter and I recently explored a crate all about marine biology.

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So when you encounter the power struggle and resistance, which you will probably within 24 hours, you have to slow your world down inside. But being calm isn't being some Zen master. You're still going to feel angry, resentful, frustrated. You just don't react and act on those emotions. Otherwise it just escalates things every time. Instead, you choose to slow down your world so you can see the situation more clearly,

problem solve, and teach, because discipline means to teach, not punish. So when I encounter that resistance, I become a detective, and I step outside of my own anxiety and my own agenda, right? Like I paid a lot of money so I need to get that kid to this class because he might make a new friend and needs to work off some of that energy. So I step out of that and I notice what's going on inside my child. And for the skeptical men out there who are like, oh that's too soft. This is the very process we use in business deals. We actively read body posture, tone of voice and anticipate a

customer's objections so we can reassure them and lead them. We do it every day at work. So do the same with your kids. So your child says, which Casey said all the time, my stomach's upset tonight. Well, that's a sure sign of anxiety. Anxiety lives in the stomach. So now you can get to the root of the issue. This is not defiance or disrespect or even a discipline issue. It's an anxiety issue. And as long as you keep reacting to the outward behavior and just barking consequences, you won't get to the root of it.

So here's how we do that. Number one, normalize anxiety. We usually try to convince kids, well, there's no need to feel upset or anxious or nervous. Well, that feels dismissive and it's just not true because your child should feel anxious in this moment. So say that. Of course your stomach is a little upset. You should be anxious.

You're going to a new place you've never been with a teacher and other kids you've never met. It would be weird if you weren't apprehensive about that. I feel the same exact thing before I give presentations to a new client I've never met. That's normal Do you know how calming that is to know? That there's nothing wrong with feeling anxious and there's nothing wrong with you. I'm not making an excuse I'm not saying so therefore let's just stay home. No, I'm

Normalizing it one of the most damaging things we've done in our society is made anxiety into something awful. Well guess what happens when you send a child to a therapist every week to quote talk about your anxiety? Well they become even more anxious and it would be really helpful if parents and teachers and therapists told teens and tweens especially, of course you feel awkward and confused and anxious. That means you're a normal teenager. And I do love the phrase, of course.

Number two, give kids a mission wherever they go. Try to get there a little bit early. Ideally, I'd take my child to this new taekwondo class a few days ahead of time so he or she can sit in the stands, eat a snack, observe other people in the classes, see what it sounds and smells like there because many of your kids are sensitive to that without any pressure to perform. See that familiarity is really helpful. It's better than rushing in at the last minute on the first night. Come on, go. Okay, go have a good time. You're gonna have a great time. Well, no, they're gonna be really anxious. So here's a big key. Always ask the

adult in charge, whether that's a teacher, assistant principal, a scout leader, to give your child a specific mission or job to do. Our kids love helping other adults, just not you. Hey, Mr. Taekwondo, listen, my son's gonna be in your class on Thursday night. He gets a little anxious, but he loves helping other adults. Could you get him a job to do? Because he'll be extra responsible for you. Taekwondo guy says, hey, Casey, I'm psyched that you're in my class. I could really use your help.

Could you get here five minutes early to help me rearrange the mats and set up? So watch when you come home a few nights later and say, hey, it's taekwondo tonight. What triggers inside your child's brain is not all the unknowns, but the mission. Hey, mom, dad, we need to leave like three and a half hours early, so we're not gonna be late. Notice how your kids do that. They like getting there early because that relieves their anxiety.

They get to connect with the adult before all the other kids show up before all the chaos and noise which is really intimidating for your kids and intimidating for me even as a grown man. Now he's got a personal connection with the adult and that helps plus his brain is focused on completing the mission and you just created a success. And now the biggest thing to me is not just stopping the power struggle or getting the child to go. It's teaching them how to deal with their long term, with their anxiety over the long term because the truth is most of your kids are just going to live with this for the rest of their lives like I do and if you have tools like exercise and other things to deal with it well now I can know well

this is normal this is part of being a look it part of the anxiety is they're sensitive kids and they pick up on things they see patterns and things that contributes to their anxiety but also can make them very very creative they can understand they know what buttons to push. They will make great sales people very persuasive. It's just all part of the package. And so you get to teach them skills while you bond with them because now you get them.

And this is the most important part. You become the trusted person who understands what the anxiety feels like and who helps them overcome that so they can enjoy an activity and you bonded over something challenging and you've taught your child this is normal and then you show them specific ways to handle anxiety for the rest of their lives. So even like participating in a sport have a coach ask your child hey could you come here early and help me create some basketball drills for the team to do? Well now he feels like a coach and he'll come out. For a child

who's really good with younger kids maybe it's hey I coach eight nine-year-olds would you come out one evening and help me teach them basic skills because I've heard you're really good at that. Well now your child feels good because they have something to give someone else. So let's apply this to summer camp and I'm hoping to save you money because you committed a lot of money that summer camp and then your child is gonna start working you a little bit about why they're not going to go. If you can, try to get a personal connection with the camp leader ahead of time. If the camp leader can ask your child to come a few minutes early or to help with a mission

collecting wood, making fire, some activity your child is really good at doing. It gets their brain focused. I want you to create a success. If you know another child going to the camp drive together Because that familiarity and comfort helps as well now. Here's a cool idea, and this is a shout out to Aiden He's the inspiration for this episode. He's a 10 year old from Kansas City. He's an old soul So he insisted to his parents that he be allowed to listen to a few of our downloadable programs. And a lot of our kids do that. They really love Casey's program. And he heard me talking about anxiety and told his mom, and this is beautiful for your kids to understand,

I always thought that was something bad, that I felt that way, but now I know it's normal and I can deal with it. See that? Knowing that like, oh I'm resilient, I've got the confidence, okay I know I'm going to struggle with anxiety throughout my life, but now I've got the tools to deal with it. So Aiden actually approached his scout leader on his own and said, hey I get a little nervous, but I'm really good at tying knots and rock climbing. Could I help teach other kids how to do this? See, just think how empowering that is for a kid. So Aidan, well done. Proud of you, my friend. So I would consider letting your kids listen to this podcast so they

understand themselves better and they feel understood. Look the little kids that who are carrying around acorns in their pockets and they'll be like, wait I do that. Well understanding, okay so that's a very normal human thing and then they'll point out the stuff that you do, right? Your OCD kind of stuff and like, well mom I've noticed you do the dishes every night before bed and you're kind of like a little bit upset if you don't do the dishes and dad you have your little things. See they're understanding what it is just to be a normal human but then they know oh this is why I do it and then progressively over time because your kids are really insightful and smart

They will come up with better ways more healthy ways to deal with their anxiety like getting exercise like doing these missions and Then if you let them listen to this or with to our downloadable programs You can talk about different strategies together to be honest, that would be one of my missions this summer is let your kids listen to this stuff, work on it when there's not all that pressure with school and homework and all the rush, and you can work on them understanding how their brains work. Okay, you're probably going to have an opportunity to practice a new response to one of these situations this week. Use this to bond with your kids and teach them lifelong skills.

Thank you for listening. Thanks for sharing the podcast with other parents who struggle as well. Thanks for wrestling with all these ideas, breaking those generational patterns. I have enormous respect for you. All right, love you all and we'll talk to you soon. Bye bye.