Calm Parenting Podcast - Anxiety, School Refusal, & Defiance: 5 Strategies That Work

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Starting point is 00:02:03 Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So there are a lot of families who get excited about the first day of school and the kids are excited. They've got their new clothes on a new backpack and they're going to have that first day of school picture where they're all happy and smiling. But if you're listening to this podcast, it may look a lot differently than that because you have a strong willed child, a neurodivergent child, and your child is going to have a lot of anxiety

Starting point is 00:02:45 over school. Some of your kids will just have outright refusal. They just won't go to school. So how do you handle that? I want to give you five very practical strategies you can use for school, and you'll be able to apply these in all the different situations where your kids struggle with anxiety. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. Let's dive right into this. Look, this is very personal to me.

Starting point is 00:03:15 When I was a little kid in kindergarten, I sat outside on the front steps for the first three days of school and just cried. When I was in middle school, I missed 34 days of school and a lot of partial days, always at the nurse's office with a stomach ache and my mom had to come pick me up from school. I didn't know it then because nobody knew anything back then. But looking back, it was pure anxiety. And anxiety is caused by unknowns.

Starting point is 00:03:43 See, you have kids who tend to have very, very busy brains and everything feels like it's out of their control and that's why we've talked about it. Transitions are very hard. Changes in plans, disappointment. They don't play games well. They cheat, change the rules of the game and quit. All those different things are because of this,

Starting point is 00:04:01 what's going on inside of them. So unknowns cause anxiety. and for many of your kids school is just a hard place to navigate look at sensory overload i do a lot of teacher training still we go into schools i'm a grown man it's intimidating at times all the kids moving back and forth in the hallway there's chaos There's noises and bells going off. And your kids are sensitive to that. Many of your kids have brains. Very, very smart kids.

Starting point is 00:04:31 Bright. Going to crush it in the real world. But in school, sometimes they're slower processors. They struggle with short-term memory. So school is a little harder. Some of you have kids who have dyslexia, dysgraphia, different learning difficulties and disabilities. Well, that makes school really hard. Then you've got your kids who just have a lot of energy, which is a great thing, but they end up being impulsive and they're on red on the behavior

Starting point is 00:04:55 chart all the time. A lot of your kids have that asynchronous development out of sync. So they get along better with little kids, animals, older people, but they struggle with their peers. Well, who do you go to school with for 12, 15, 18 years? Only kids your own age. So social skills are kind of tough. Navigating the cafeteria, recess, all of that is hard. Some of your kids are plain exhausted by noon. And that's why many of your kids, when they come home from school, they hold it together at school for the teacher, but then unload on mom or dad, whoever sees them first at the end of the day. So he also knows stomach aches, their stomachs are upset. A lot of these kids, they will eat simple carbs, a lot of salty foods. Why? Because their stomachs are upset and it's just anxiety. So

Starting point is 00:05:46 let's jump into five different things that you can do to help these kids with this. Number one is normalize it. One of the worst things we have done in our society is we have made, well, you have anxiety. Well, maybe you need to go talk to someone about your anxiety. Look, I'm not dismissing it when your kids have severe anxiety or depression or bipolar disorder. By all means, they need to see a therapist. But for most of these things, there's no therapist needed. There's nothing wrong. Anxiety is a very, very normal thing. And instead of telling your kids, well, we do that a lot with teenagers. Well, let's go talk every week to a therapist about your anxiety. Well, guess what? Your child's anxiety gets even worse because there are no

Starting point is 00:06:30 adults around anymore saying it's normal, right? And you know our language. Of course, you're nervous. You're anxious because you're going to a new school with new teachers. There are new expectations, new classmates. It would be weird if you weren't anxious. Do you know how settling that is for a kid? Instead of dismissing, watch type A parents out there like me, right? Those of you who are freaks, right? They're type A driven. You'll dismiss it.

Starting point is 00:07:06 Oh, it's no big deal. You'll be just fine. It's not a good thing to do in life. And it won't be, if you're a guy, it's not going to work with your wife. So I don't want to dismiss it. But I also, for the anxious parents out there, I don't want your anxiety to reinforce it even more. You know what, honey? I really think you're going to have a good

Starting point is 00:07:25 time this year. And I've heard that that tea, see you trying to convince them they're going to be okay, actually heightens their anxiety and they pick up on your anxiety. So I don't want to dismiss it, but I also don't want to reinforce it. So I normalize it. Of course, you're going to a new place that you've never been. You don't know what it looks like or smells like. You don't know how it's going to go. So it would be weird. I love saying that. It'd be weird, right? That's just talking honestly. It'd be weird if you weren't a little bit nervous going to some new place. Your stomach should be a little bit upset because now is the child instead of, you know what? I don't know why you're nervous. I don't know why you're struggling. Your brother or sister never had any problems with that. Well,

Starting point is 00:08:08 now I begin to internalize, well, there must be something wrong with me and there's nothing wrong with these kids. It's very normal. Look, I'd love for you to say, you know what? Doing all these new things, it's a little scary for me and I'm 40. See, that feels good when you're a kid. And now they know they're not alone and you can let them know, guess what? Most of the other kids are going to feel the same way. So normalize anxiety. Number two thing you can do. We said anxiety is about unknowns. So familiarity is really important for these kids. Now, if you haven't gone back to school yet, go visit the school over the summer. Go out and play on the playground. Ask the principal if you can go in and let your child walk the hallways, visit the cafeteria,

Starting point is 00:08:59 see where they're going to be and experience that school without all the chaos and all the stress. I would ask them, hey, can I practice the combination on the locker? I don't have many dreams and nightmares, but one recurring one is that I'm struggling with a combination on my school locker and I'm going to be late for class and I haven't been to school for 40 years. So these things are real. Some of your kids, it may be giving them earbuds, little earbuds to wear so the hallway isn't and all that noise isn't so much for them. But the familiarity of go and visit the school if you can and just let your child walk through the halls and get familiar with it. Number three, connection.

Starting point is 00:09:48 Connection is important for everything in life. It helps with behavior issues and it will help with anxiety. So a couple of key points here. One is, again, see if you can find one good friend for your child. Just somebody. If you haven't gone back to school, see if you can make a buddy, someone who's going to be in his or her class when school starts. And if school's already started, go to the teacher and just say, hey, do you see any other kids in class that might be a really good match for my child?

Starting point is 00:10:20 Because you know your child best and some of your kids are very sensitive, some of your kids are quiet, some of them are very loud whatever it is but see if you can find just one friend because walking into school with a friend next to me is a lot less intimidating than me walking in all by myself seeing all these other people talking and they're laughing and some of those people are bigger than me and I feel so alone so find that that friend. If you can, arrange it with that friend's parents that some days maybe you pick up the friend in the car so you drive the kids together or they pick up your child. Really important. Another point of connection, find one adult at your child's school. It doesn't

Starting point is 00:11:03 matter who they are, but someone who will connect personally with your child, who when they see your child will smile, will ask your child about something important to your child, right? Their favorite football team, about their favorite pet, or color, or food, or whatever it is that your child likes it could be an assistant principal someone in the office a facilities manager a coach a gym teacher someone an art teacher a band music teacher because those are often very creative people find someone and and help them bond with your child over a common interest because going into a school if I don't know anybody there and it all seems daunting that's school, if I don't know anybody there and it

Starting point is 00:11:46 all seems daunting, that's hard. But if I know there's one person there that I can go to the office in the morning and meet that person, or if halfway through the school day, if I'm allowed to go down to the counselor's office, or I get to go into school early and hang out with that art teacher and just do art projects early in the morning. Whatever it is. Or go to the office midway through the day and just have 10 minutes in there. There's a certain comfort that comes from that. Number four, a mission.

Starting point is 00:12:19 This is perhaps one of the most important parts for your kids. Wherever your kids go, I want there to be another adult who gives them a job to do. And I'll tell you why that's important. So what happens is your kids, when they wake up in the morning, they start thinking of all the unknowns. Well, what if I'm not prepared for that test? What if I don't do well in the morning, they start thinking of all the unknowns. Well, what if I'm not prepared for that test? What if I don't do well in the test? What if I sit in the cafeteria alone? What if I'm not good in class? And what if they call on me and I don't get the answer right and I'm embarrassed? When someone from the school, if you get a teacher, an assistant principal,

Starting point is 00:12:59 someone says, oh man, I could really use your help. Those are magical words for strong willed kids because strong willed kids love helping other adults, just not you. I could really use your help. You're really good at doing X. Could you come to school, to my classroom, to the office a few minutes early every day, if that's an option, like if you drive them, could you come a few minutes early every day if that's an option like if you drive them could you come a few minutes early because getting there early is settling it's before all the other kids have gotten there hey could you come here that's why your kids by the way when you're going new places like it they're always like hey can we leave like three and a half hours early so we can get there they

Starting point is 00:13:41 don't want to walk in when everybody else is already there because it's intimidating and loud. But if they get there early, they can get the lay of the land and they can get a connection with the leader at the Taekwondo place, wherever they're going, the teacher, it's helpful. Hey, you're really good at doing X. I could use your help. Could you get here a few minutes early and help me with this project? Because now when your child wakes up in the morning, they're not going to go be like, can't wait for another day of school. But what they know is they're needed, that the teacher needs their help. And so their brain, instead of being focused on all the unknowns and things they can't

Starting point is 00:14:19 control, what they know is, hey, that teacher, that assistant principal needs my help and I'm actually good at it. I bond with them over wherever your kids go have another adult give them a job I'll add to this for those of you who have kids who it's serious school refusal and they're just not going I'll give you kind of a weird tip but, you overcome anxiety by repeated exposure to new experiences and difficult things, and usually in small bites. So even if your child is not going to school, and some of you, this isn't happening, but it may happen in October or February. So keep this in the back of your mind. Even allowing that child who has missed school for a few days or a couple weeks, if the assistant principal says, hey, you're really good at computers. I could use your help in the office. Could go to the school building after school when it felt safe.

Starting point is 00:15:28 They got that connection with someone at school and it can be a bridge to help get them back into going to school. Small bites are okay and they're actually really helpful. I would also start the day, this is completely in your control, moms and dads, wake your kids up with a mission, with something they're in control of that they're good at. You've heard me say before, one of my favorite things, especially with younger kids is, hey, hid your breakfast outside in the basement. Bet you can't find it. Kids love foraging for food or do a treasure hunt. Bet you can't find the toy that I hid. It's a fun way to get up. I don't wake kids up with, hey, come on, come on. You got to get up, got to get up, got to go to that place where you're

Starting point is 00:16:15 going to be on red on the behavior chart and don't get along with friends and have to sit alone at the cafeteria all the time. And you're not always that great in school, even though you're really bright. And I don't wake them up that way. I wake them up with something they're good at, giving them a mission of some kind, something with Lego blocks or with a Rubik's cube, something that they can making their own breakfast. By the way, sometimes you know what your kids need in the morning is quiet. I know when I get really anxious, I get very inside of myself. I go very quiet and I'm processing it. You know, a cool thing to try sometime is to say,

Starting point is 00:16:54 hey, I'm just going to give you a space, some space, make your own breakfast. I'll just see you in the car at 724. Try that sometime. Maybe give them a mission, a grown-up job to do in the morning. Just something they're in control of because their whole school day is what? It's all out of their control. Okay, number five, and this is critical to every single thing that we talk about is controlling your own anxiety. And I really encourage you to step up with this. A lot of you have anxiety when your kids get flustered or whatever, then you get very anxious about them. And whether you have to fake this or not at first doesn't matter to me. You've got to adopt that even matter of fact tone like you're not moved by. Let me give you an example because I just had this question on Instagram of like,

Starting point is 00:17:47 oh, my child won't ride their bike. How do we teach him to ride his bike? When we did these camps back in the day, we had 1,500 kids in our home. I probably taught 150 or 200 kids how to ride their bikes. Why it's always easier when it's not your own kid, right? And so here's the process. Kid would be like, well, I'm really nervous. I was like, of course you're nervous.

Starting point is 00:18:05 You're doing something. You've never done this before. It would be weird if you weren't a little bit nervous. And so I would give them some ownership. Hey, where do you want to do your first? This is going to be the first time you have ever ridden your bike. Where do you want to do it? You want to do it out in our street?

Starting point is 00:18:22 You want to do it up on a soccer field? Where do you want to do it? I want to do it out in our street? You want to do it up on a soccer field? Where do you want to do it? I gave them a little bit of control over that. And it always be like, well, but what happens if I fall? And I was like, oh, you will. You're going to fall, right? And what happens is you're going to fall, but you kind of catch yourself, but you probably scrape your knee and it'll be a little bit bloody.

Starting point is 00:18:39 But then you'll get back up on your bike and you'll ride and you'll never be afraid of falling again. So some kids kids i just say like if you want i would go ahead let's just fall right now let's just get that out of the way and sometimes i'd let them ride the bike like on a grassy soccer field in the area so it didn't hurt so much and they weren't so afraid but mainly i just normalized it yeah of course you're probably going to fall of course you're nervous and i said here's what's going to happen i'm going to run beside you i'm going to hold on to your seat so you're just perfectly fine and you're nervous. And I said, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to run beside you. I'm going to hold on to your seat. So you're just perfectly fine. And you're just going to pedal and you're

Starting point is 00:19:07 just going to get in the mode of it. And after we went a little while, I would tell them, and sometimes it was a lie, but I would say, you know, you just rode your bike by yourself. I was just running beside you. And so, so much of it was my tone and my lack of anxiety because when I'm not anxious, that communicates confidence in them. But when I'm talking like this and trying to convince them that they can ride the bike because they're really good at things like that. See, when you try to convince someone, it works against you. So learning how to control your own anxiety over school issues. Look, it's actually over everything because our anxiety causes us to lecture

Starting point is 00:19:47 and get on our kids. And those of you who have kids with separation anxiety, it's critically important that you take that. It's gonna sound, it's gonna feel so cold to you and you will struggle with this. But I really need you to step up in this area. So when you're going to school and your child's really anxious,

Starting point is 00:20:04 I don't want them picking up on your anxiety. So when you're going to school and your child's really anxious, I don't want them picking up on your anxiety. So when you get to school, it's like, hey, I'll be back at three. You're going to have a great day. It's all good. And what I would like is if you can have someone from the school come out to your car and say, oh, Rebecca, I'm so glad you're here today because I really need your help with X. That will help with it.

Starting point is 00:20:26 But don't keep reassuring. Hey, you know what? You're going to be fine today. I think you're going to have a good time. And you know, I'm not very far away. And they have my phone number. See, that just feeds the anxiety. Communicate confidence.

Starting point is 00:20:39 You lead without convincing, reacting, all of those things. By the way, some of your kids are going to vent and they're going to say, but I don't want to go to school and I hate school and school's stupid and all those different things. Don't react to that. Some of your kids need to vent. That's how they're processing it. They don't always feel that strongly. And even though they make declarative statements, I'm not going to school. If you react to that, oh yes, you are. Because if you don't go

Starting point is 00:21:13 to school, you're going to lose X, Y, and Z. They're like, I don't care. Take away everything. Don't react to that because you're feeding into their anxiety. Just go about your morning. You lead. For older kids, sometimes getting them to school is sparking that internal motivation. I just did that on the last podcast. So listen to that. A great phrase to use at times with these kids

Starting point is 00:21:38 is older kids especially is, hey, you know what? Nobody knows. Nobody really understands how much courage it took you to go to school today. That's a very meaningful thing to email them, to text them, to say to them is a really, really good thing. So let's try those five things. Now I have a couple things because I've got time. I'm trying to keep these podcasts to like in between 20 and 25 minutes to respect your time, but still give you enough meaty stuff, but not be too long. So here are five phrases.

Starting point is 00:22:14 And if there are teachers listening and you can, I'm going to do one of the next podcasts is on helping teachers help your child. But here's some great phrases that teachers can use with your anxious child or with any of your kids. It just builds confidence. Here's a great one. You know what? I'm glad you're here today. So look, I would email teachers and say, hey, my child's really anxious. Great kid. It's going to do fine. But man, just getting in there, if you could give my child a job to do in the morning when they first get to class, they'd be so settled. It'll help.

Starting point is 00:22:47 Just ask them. Be very specific in what you ask for. And you can ask them to say things like this. Hey, I'm glad you're here. Again, that other one for older kids. Hey, nobody knows how much courage it took for you to be here today. And I'm glad you're here. You know how good that feels?

Starting point is 00:23:03 How would you like to wake up to that or, or get to your office and have someone, someone, someone say that? I always wanted if I owned a restaurant, that's the opening would be like, you know what? I'm really glad you're here tonight. So here's another one. I've mentioned it. I could really use your help. You're really good at that. And the normalizing part for teachers, of course, this assignment is hard, but I believe with the right tools, you're capable of crushing it. See, that's really helpful with anxiety. So your goal this week, and you can apply this to, you know, I had an email from a family who's moving, same process, Because this family was moving internationally and the mom was like, well, I'm trying to convince my daughter on the spectrum that it'll be a great

Starting point is 00:23:51 adventure. And I'm like, kids on the spectrum don't want a great adventure. They want stability and for things to be routine and just like they are. So stop trying to convince her it's going to be great. Instead, normalize all of her fears. She's moving to a new country, a new neighborhood, a new school, a new culture. Of course you're not going to want to go. Sometimes people just want to be heard and to know, so it's okay that I'm nervous? Yes, it would be weird if you weren't. So normalize things, reduce the unknowns and give familiarity get the connection connections really important and all of your discipline connections your key anyway give them a mission and something they're in control of we just did a

Starting point is 00:24:36 podcast on ownership and control your own anxiety your big win this year moms and dads is when you can control your own anxiety over your kids' performance in school, their lack of study skills, everything they're doing. If you have our programs, by all means, go through the 30 Days to Calm program first. Once you get control of your own anxiety, you know what it does for me? It wasn't a matter of like, oh, I just want to be a Zen master. No. The reason I wanted to be calm, and I'm still very intense. I'm a very intense driven type of person. But when I calm myself down, now I can see situations clearly and I can problem solve.

Starting point is 00:25:17 So when that child's like, I'm not going to school. You're stupid. I'm not going to that camp or Taekwondo class. And you've got a big power struggle coming. If you just react out of your anxiety, it escalates every single time. And now you're fighting for three hours. But when I control myself and my own anxiety, I can see clearly to help the people that I love. Because when I control my anxiety, now my world inside is slowed down. And so now I can see this clearly and say, hey, you may be swearing at me and saying all kinds of defiant things. I know it's not defiant. I know it's just anxiety. And now I've got five different ways to help you with your anxiety. And now I can be the problem solver in the home who's de-escalating. I am telling you,

Starting point is 00:26:03 it is a wonderful feeling in life to know I don't have to create drama and I don't have to react to everybody. I am in control of myself. That's one of your big goals for this year. Okay, thank you for listening to the podcast. Thanks for sharing it with other people, subscribing. Next two podcasts, I believe, are going to be on giving your teachers some tools. I'll probably do for those of you who homeschool. I've got a couple of homeschooling podcasts coming up and then also helping your kids with homework, jumpstarting their brains. All right. Love y'all. Oh, by the way, if you have the programs before school starts or at the beginning of the year, go through the ADHD

Starting point is 00:26:40 university program. Even if your kids don't have the label, don't have ADHD, it still describes everything they're going through, sensory issues, how to stimulate their brains. And you will find it extraordinarily helpful during the school year. I would even let your kids listen because it's their brain and their homework. Anyway, we'll save that for another time. Hey, love you all. Talk to you later. Bye-bye.

Calm Parenting Podcast - Anxiety, School Refusal, & Defiance: 5 Strategies That Work

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