Calm Parenting Podcast - Appropriate Consequences? Stealing, Lying & More

Episode Date: July 9, 2019

What are appropriate consequences for your child? How can you teach your child to change himself instead of shaming him? How can we get kids to stop lying and stealing? THIS approach with actually change your child's behavior. A top 10 favorite of Kirk’s. Want to teach your child to control himself? Then get the new No B.S. Program or attend our two new Parent BootCamps in D.C. and Dallas. Learn more at https://www.celebratecalm.com/camps/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Happy July, everybody. Hope you're enjoying your summer, or for our Australian friends, hope you're enjoying your winter. I know here in America, it's hot here, and a lot of you are really enjoying time with your kids, and a lot of you can't wait for them to go back to school already because you're bored. Anyway, so I just got a question today. I wanted to address this about what do we do with a child who's lying, stealing, and we can make this look, what I want to go through is any misbehavior, here's a

different way to handle this because the question was what are appropriate consequences for a child who steals and you can make it who lies, who hits his sister, anything you want it to be. So let's kind of go through this. And I wanted to work off of a case study that I'd done for the No BS program. And so there are 25 action steps in there, the No BS program. And number 11 is you've got to get to the root of these things so you can turn misbehavior into actually a way to motivate your kids. It's really cool, right? So I don't want this just to be about punishment, right? Because that's what you're doing. That's what we all do, right? Like, well, what's the consequence? And with the strong will kids, they don't care about consequences and it doesn't work,

but that's all we tend to do. And it just becomes this negative cycle until everybody's just frustrated. The kids shut down. And then you're at your wits end. You're like boarding school. Think we're just going to do boarding school. Right. I think it's a huge opportunity to teach your kids how to control their own emotions. It's a huge opportunity to teach them that you can handle them at their worst. So your kids are misbehaving. What do I really want out of this? Well, one, we want them to stop doing it, right? Got it. Consequences tend not to work for our kids. And the other thing is I want to always be building my relationship and building trust.

So here's an example we did from the No BS program. Oh, by the way, before I forget, bootcamp. Parents have been asking us, when are you going to have the next parent bootcamp? We just looked at our schedule in the fall and the winter. It's brutal. We're traveling a lot, which we love because we get to meet you on the road. So we found two dates, and these are the only two dates we'll have in the fall. Saturday, September 14th in the Washington, D.C., Northern Virginia area, we will have one from nine to three. And then in Texas, around the Dallas area, Saturday, October 19th, I made sure that the Cowboys are not playing that day. They should play Sunday night against the Eagles. It should be a good game.

But I didn't want men to say, like, can't do the boot camp because I've got the Cowboys game. So I did it on Saturday. Hopefully it doesn't conflict with your college football schedule. So those, if you want to see more about those, go to our website, celebratecalm.com, and you'll see the tabs up top. There's one on no BS, and then there's one on camps,

and I'm kind of making these like a no BS boot camp where you get six hours. We're just going to be perfectly, brutally honest about different issues so we get some breakthroughs. So here's a question I got. Our child steals things and even picks locks to get things at midnight. What consequence will work? And this is where I want to get to the root of it. And we know, guys at Mommy Lectures, about how important it is that we have integrity and that stealing is wrong, right? Those things don't work.

And by the way, that may be part of the appeal. Some kids like to do things because they're wrong. It's as old as human nature, right? Look, hey, there's one tree in the garden. You don't get to eat the fruit there. Just the one tree. Everything else, have at it. There's animals, all kinds of good stuff you can eat. Just don't eat from that one tree. Well, duh. Of course, they picked the one tree, right? That's human nature. Look, part

of the reason I'm saying it like that is stop taking everything so personally and stop being so stunned. Like, I can't believe that you would do that. Why? Just because you were a goody two-shoes. Right now, I know that may offend you, but that's part of the issue. You never did anything wrong. You're too good, and that's your issue, right? And so you're looking at this child like, why would he do that? I had the opposite response for a while after my son and all the're looking at this child like, why would he do that? I had the opposite response for a while after my son and all the kids we worked with, like, what took you so long? Of course, of course you want the forbidden fruit. Who doesn't? It always seems more appealing. It's human nature, right? So don't act like your child's some horrible person because he's doing what is human nature.

It's just that we need to change the way that we look at that. So let me go through how I would handle this. First couple sentences, acknowledging. Hey, son, daughter, I know that you know stealing is wrong, and I know that you know that you're going to face dire consequences for doing that. I love the phrase, you've heard me say it before. I know you know that's wrong. And I know that you'll face, you know, that you're going to face dire consequences for doing that. I love the phrase. You've heard me say it before. I know, you know, that's wrong. The opposite of that is, uh, what were you thinking? How many times do I have to tell you? That's just shaming them, putting on the defensive, right? Because those, those phrases means for me, you're an idiot, right? So look, son, I'm not mad at you. I'm just curious. And boom, I love that phrase,

I'm curious, because watch the pivot here. I guarantee your child is expecting you to come in and say, you know what? We need to talk about your behavior. I'll know what you were thinking, you know, being up. There's a reason we put the lock on the food at night because you can't do this. You know, it's not safe. And we go on and on and on and on and on and on and on. And it doesn't change anything. I guarantee you, your child is just waiting for you. And in their minds, they're like, okay, what kind of lie can I come up with? What kind of excuse can I come up with? Instead, I come and I'm like, look, I'm not mad at you. I'm just curious. I'm curious means this. I want to figure out what's going on so I can help you with this. I didn't come here to punish you. You already know that it's wrong. And sure, there'll be a

consequence, but that's not my primary thing that I'm looking for. I just want to help you to stop doing this. Anyway, we'll get to that. So here's where I pivot. And what I'm really looking for next is what are you getting out of this? So I may say, so look, when you steal, what do you get out of this? By the way, great little phrase. If you get our newsletter this coming week, sign up at celebrate calm.com or email my son Casey at celebrate calm.com. Just put newsletter in the subject line and you'll get a newsletter where you get a lot of other things I can't do through the podcast, including this is kind of written down for you. But one of the things that I want to communicate to is how does this serve you? Almost all outward human behavior is driven by an internal need, right? Quick example,

late afternoon, your kids are getting irritable, they're acting out, and you can say, guys, cut it out. Nothing changes. But all of a sudden, you feed them and give them a snack. Now they're angels. You didn't change their outward behavior. You met an internal need because they were hungry. So what I'm after is what's really down here beneath it. And look, a lot of this, your tone is really important in this. So, son, look, I'm curious. When you get up at midnight and you steal stuff, what do you get out of it, right? Do you like the challenge? Because I know

that you're really bright, really smart. You're good at seeing patterns. You're good at solving problems. And I think sometimes you're just bored. So is this a challenge? Do you like the thrill of getting away with something, of tricking us? Or is it being up late at night when everybody else is asleep and it kind of feels a little bit dangerous does that make sense i'm really trying to figure out because you say like what were you thinking why why did you do this you're always going to get i don't know i i don't know well think think about it you need to think about your actions up in your room well they're so filled with shame and everything else that they're not going to be able to think. So your job of being the detective in the home is to figure out, look, you're doing this for a reason.

I'm curious what you're getting out of this. Because what I want to know and my curiosity here is, look, I want to figure out what's firing in that little brain of yours, right? What do you feel inside? And I would, I would ask the child, because I did this with all the kids I work with, my own son, I'd say, when you're picking that lock, what's going on, right? What's in there? Is it the challenge? Is it the stimulation? Is it looking over your shoulder, having to be quiet, making sure, have you calculated this because you know

that we're going to be asleep right now? That usually, you know, dad, I usually don't hear dad up till two o'clock in the morning when he has to get up to use the bathroom, right? Because he's getting old. But you know what I mean? Like, I want to know that. Like, what are you feeling? And when you feel that lock click and you know you've got it, like, what is it? Is there a jolt that goes through you? Is there an excitement that you're missing in your everyday life? What's going on? Because if you can reach inside your child and figure that out, then here's the next transition, right?

The transition is figuring out what are the needs that are being met? What does he get out of that? And then being able to say, oh, I bet we could meet that same need in different ways. By the way, it's the key to getting your kids off of video games. It's why this approach is so awesome because looking at your kids in a different way, it's not just about a disciplined technique or finding the right consequence. It's about really getting inside the heart and brain of your child, right? And it's a really cool thing. And so if we can do that, we can turn something negative.

Watch. Stealing and then lying about it creates distance, it creates power struggles, it creates shame, and it sends us further away from our child. But now when I start to do this, I'm giving my child wisdom and clarity. There's a closer bond, and now I can give them something purposeful to do instead of stealing. So I want you to listen to your child. Observe. Be curious. Really listen. Because then you can say, I totally get why you would find this so appealing. One of the other phrases I started kind of bringing out in this No BS program, and I do this, the beautiful part I love about that and about the boot camp is we just get to

deal with everyday stuff and answer your personal questions and we get into it in a very granular way like this of like here's the actual script to do this. Like how do you turn the power struggle into something positive? And so one of the things that I like doing is, the phrase is, of course, right? Of course you find this appealing. Like, look, stop shaming with everything. Of course you want the fruit snacks. Of course you want the french fries. Of course you want more.

That's human nature. Doesn't mean I'm going to give it to you. So when I say, of course you find this appealing. It's meeting all of these needs in your brain. It's stimulating. You're bored. You like a challenge. You like solving puzzles. The downside, son, is that you know you're going to end up getting caught. You just know it. Because if you keep getting better at this, I'm going to install cameras in the home. And then that'll end up giving you more of a challenge to somehow do like Ocean's Eleven or whatever one that was, where they tricked the cameras and they did all

the things. By the way, you're never going to really out trick your kids. So I just rather you get right to the root of this. So son, look, what ends up happening is you get caught, you're going to lose all your stuff. And you're going to waste all that energy on negative stuff, always wondering when are you going to get caught? So I've got an idea. I've got an idea. This is up to you to choose because I like giving kids choices in this, right? Because otherwise, like, you know what? You're not going to steal in my home. Fine, that's a great thing to say, but it's not true, because if he wants to steal the next night, he can, right? So we make all these things like, no son of mine is going to steal. Well, apparently he is, because he's been doing that.

And what happens with a lot of your kids, if you don't get to the root of it, what will happen is he'll stop stealing things at home, but then you'll find there will be another behavior. Then he's going to start smoking or doing something else or buying things illegally on the internet using your credit card or hacking things, right? Because look, you're just going to trade one negative behavior for the other because you're never getting to the root of it. Does that make sense? It's kind of like someone who struggles with alcoholism, someone who struggles with eating too much. If you just deal with the outward behavior, but if you don't get to the root of what's causing them to do those things, oh sure, he'll start to stop drinking, but then he's going

to start doing something else, right? That's why we have to get to the root of these things. So look, son, I've got an idea. What if we were to use that great brain of yours that loves to problem solve, solve puzzles, loves to be challenged? What if he used all of that? Because you've got really good insight into human nature, which means you'd be really good at business. And I know you like cash because you're stealing from my wallet all the time. I know that. So look, what if we used all of that energy

to start your own business? That way we can earn some money. And I know you've got a really big heart. We could use some of that cash to help kids with cancer. You'd have some cash to buy your own games and your own stuff. Look, if you want to do that, I think you'd like

it much better. I've got some ideas for you. So look, I've got to go get started on dinner now. I'm going to go walk the dog. If you want to come join me later, I'd love to brainstorm some ideas. And there we just worked in some space, right? So when you discipline, I let them know I caught you. I know the gig is up. You're stealing stuff, but I'm not just sending it to your room and I'm not just going to install cameras in the home. I'm not just going to ignore this either. I've just laid out. We figured out. I know what's really going on and you've got two paths to consider. You keep going down this bad path and you're just going to be in trouble all the time and lose all your stuff. So I don't think you want to do that, but see where the energy goes. I've got some ideas for you. And then instead of sitting there

and putting your child in an awkward position, so what do you think, son? What do you want to do? Or what's your choice? Right now, I give them some time to process this and time for some self-discovery to think, oh, that's why I do it. Yes, son, that's why you do it. You're not just a horrible kid who's always in trouble. You're probably just a bored kid who's bored at school, bored with homework, and bored with everything we ask you to do, and you want a challenge. So I'm giving you a couple ideas here of different ways to do it. See, it's beautiful because you just turned a negative into a positive and you're teaching them. Look, for most of your kids, you're teaching them lifelong skills.

And when they're 18 and 22 and 28 and 35, and they find themselves doing risky behaviors, and they can say, oh, probably just doing that because I'm bored. I must need a bigger challenge. You're teaching them some awesome things. You are becoming a trusted resource that they can go to from now on. So think about this. Are you just shaming your child or punishing your child in order to get them changed? Or are you teaching them something so that they can change themselves? See, I just put a big box and some asterisks on that. That's an awesome insight. Are you shaming and punishing your child into changing or are you teaching them stuff about themselves, insight, so that they can actually change themselves? Because that's what I really want. That's actually really good insight. That's what I mean.

That's why we love doing this stuff. It's not just, it's not a, there's not a formula here of like, well, when you do that, you just need to give this consequence and then your child will learn logically. No, human behavior isn't logical. And so that's why I love,

I love this whole process because now, look, you can geek out on this stuff of like, I just taught my son something so he can apply this in all these different areas in his life. And now when he starts messing up, he'll be more likely to come back and say, mom, dad, look, struggling with something. Can you help me figure out why I'm doing it? And you can model this for your own kids by apologizing at times. Say, look, I'm sorry I've yelled at you. Sorry. You know what I'm realizing? It's just, you know, I was the same way as a kid

and I don't want you to grow up and make the same mistakes I did. Or the apology is like, look, I realized when I was a kid, I had this really overbearing father of these parents and I never did anything wrong because I was afraid. And so I realized that I'm just putting a lot of my childhood stuff on you. And so I'm going to change that. I'm going to change that. See, you're changing right in front of them and the whole family is changing. It's not just about this one bad child. It's about all of us changing. And it ends up being a really cool thing because you're teaching your kids new ways to do things so that they don't hurt themselves. It's cool when you do that, right? So I encourage you this summer, take this one example

and begin to apply it, right? And apply it to different behaviors and use the same tone. But this is really important. Your tone of voice is really important with this. You can't just go and mouth the words. You have to really get into this and know that it's more than just me going through a technique of some kind. You have to really be curious about this and stop taking it personally. And step back and say, huh, my job is to give my son wisdom, my daughter wisdom, and show them how to make better choices. Do this over the summer because you've got time right now because you don't have the pressures of school and everything. I do encourage you with this. It's not just because I make money on it. Get the No BS program. It's phenomenal. It is really good because it goes through a lot of stuff and case studies like this and just tells you

bluntly and I give you a script like you actually get the written scripts you can actually just read this stuff and hear me say it and uh and and do that so go to celebrate calm.com you'll see no bs up in the tab um and you'll see the thing on camps and by the way if you do the boot camp you actually get the um no bs program free when you if you do the boot camp, you actually get the No BS program free when you sign up for the boot camp because I want you listening to the No BS program before you get to the boot camp because then we get six hours at boot camp to apply all this stuff. If you need help financially with any of this stuff, always reach out. Email my son Casey. He was our strong-willed one. Casey, C-A-S-E-Y. It's at CelebrateCalm.com and he will help you out. Email my son, Casey. He was our strong-willed one. Casey, C-A-S-E-Y.

It's at CelebrateCalm.com, and he will help you out. Listen, I'm excited. I'm excited because this is a totally new way of relating to your kids, totally new way of handling behavior, and we did all of it in about 20 minutes. So thank you. Hopefully we'll see some of you soon in the fall on the road. Otherwise, I'll see some of you in D.C. at the boot camp on September 14th, October in Dallas.

And then if any of you have tickets at the bootcamp on September 14th, October in Dallas. And then if any of you have tickets to the Cowboys game on Sunday night, I would love to go. And I'm just kidding. But anyway, it's kind of cool. So anyway, thank you all. Thanks for spending so much time investing in your kids. This is a great one. Moms, I get a lot of moms listening. This is a good one for your husbands to listen to because it's a good dad thing to do with the child to impart his wisdom into them. So anyway, thanks. Let us know if we can help you out.