Calm Parenting Podcast - Are You Excusing Behavior...Or Changing It? A Challenge! #450

Episode Date: February 19, 2025

Are You Excusing Behavior...Or Changing It? A Challenge! #450 Your toddler finds scissors and mangles her bangs, your boys ruin your good pillows fighting outside, your tween/teen procrastinates until 2am to complete an assignment. You would be justified and right to lecture and give them consequences. But this week, I am challenging you to do something very different when your child misbehaves....that will actually change their behavior more quickly. Our Winter Sale on the Get Everything Package continues this week. Begin 2025 with hundreds of practical strategies that really work with your strong-willed kids. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products and make 2025 DIFFERENT. AG1 AG1 is offering new subscribers a FREE $76 gift when you sign up. You’ll get a Welcome Kit, a bottle of D3 & K2 AND 5 free travel packs in your first box. Go to https://drinkag1.com/calm  HAPPY MAMMOTH Get 15% off on your entire first order at https://HappyMammoth.com with the code CALM at checkout.  HUNGRYROOT.COM Get 40% off your first box PLUS get a free item in every box for life. Go to https://hungryroot.com/ and use code CALM. ONE SKIN Go to https://oneskin.co and use code KIRK at checkout for an exclusive 15% off your first purchase. COZY EARTH Wrap yourself and your kids in Cozy Earth luxury...with 40% OFF! Visit https://cozyearth.com/ and use my exclusive 40% off code CALM.  IXL LEARNING Get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at https://IXL.com/KIRK. ​EQUIP HEALTH  If you’re concerned at all about your child’s relationship with food, don’t wait to get an expert’s advice.​ Visit​ https://www.equip.health/calm for a free consultation with Equip. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So we have a nephew that's really bright, but he struggles in a couple classes. And I asked him why he enjoys using Ixl learning programs so much. He said with Ixl, he can learn at his own speed and do it independently. And you know our kids like figuring things out on their own. He likes the video tutorials and learning games that explain new concepts in a way he understands. And he said, Ixl makes me feel smart again. I encourage you to check out Ixl.com slash Kirk to learn how Ixl can enrich your homeschool curriculum from K to 12.

Ixl gives your kids tools to be successful and allows them to explore any topic in any grade level. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at IXL.com slash Kirk. Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So this time last year I got Mrs. Calm One Skin Facial Moisturizer and Eye

Cream for Valentine's Day. She was just frustrated with the complexity and unkept promises of her skincare routine. You know what that's like. Since then we both have noticed how moisturized and better our skin looks with OneSkin. Even in the winter, our skin is just happier and healthier looking. Plus OneSkin is so easy to use even with a busy schedule. It's founded, led by an all-woman team of skin longevity scientists. And OneSkin is redefining the aging process with their proprietary OS1 peptide, the first ingredient proven to help skin look, feel and behave like its younger self.

We think it's a great Valentine's Day gift. So you can get 15% off with code Kirk at Oneskin.co. That's 15% off at Oneskin.co with code Kirk. Please let Oneskin know that we sent you. Invest in the health and longevity of your skin with Oneskin. Your future self will thank you. So you have kids who are going to do things in a way that really irritates you. You have kids who are going to do things in a way that you don't approve of or not the way you want them to. Your little kids who are going to do things in a way that you don't approve of or not the way you want them to. Your little kids when they clean up a mess

they use good clothes, clean clothes to do it. Or two kids are using really your nice pillows off the sofa in order to body slam each other outside, ruining the pillows. A daughter cuts her bangs. your teen or tween stays up all night long to do a project and I have a challenge for you this week. I want you to be able to turn irritating situations into bonding ones. I had this fantastic story I've been waiting for weeks to share with you so that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome this is Kirk Martin founder of Celebrate Calm.

You can find us in our winter sale at CelebrateCalm.com. So here's such a cool story. Now this is for older kids, but then I will apply this to toddlers, elementary age, whatever ages your kids are. So a mom had written and told me this story. She said, I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw that the light was on

in my daughter's bedroom at 2 a.m. And I knew it was happening. She was up completing a project that should have been completed many days before. And she said, I was so frustrated with her and I wanted to go in and I wanted to lecture her and and and get all over her. But instead she said I actually went into my bathroom I pulled up this the app with your programs and I just started listening because I knew I

wouldn't be able to sleep. I knew I needed to reset and I found this section where you were kind of talking about this and she said I went back to Sleep and I got up in the morning now Here's what the mom said she wanted to say you know what honey if you would have just started on Tuesday You would have had it done on time You need to learn to be more organized and proactive and I can actually show you how to do that You know what you're gonna be tired and proactive, and I can actually show you how to do that. You know what?

You're gonna be tired all day long and probably crabby now. There is no need for you to stay up all night like that. That's what your child is expecting to hear, and 999,999 parents will handle it that way. I want you to be the one who is different. So here's what this amazing mom did because she fought her own anxiety and control issues and all of those feelings of like why does my daughter have to do it like this? Why does she make things so difficult on herself?

And why does she cause me so much anxiety? Instead, the mom got up. Her daughter came downstairs. She gave her daughter a fist bump and said, you know what? That was clutch. You got your project done. You stayed up until the middle of the night when it was done. You were conscientious.

You cared about it enough to battle being tired and staying up. You were focused late at night. You got it done and I'm proud of you. And she said the look on her daughter's face was priceless. And her daughter said face was priceless. And her daughter said, but mom, aren't you mad at me? And the mom said, look, some of this you're just going to have to fight through because

inside you are frustrated and irritated. But the mom said, why would I be mad at you? You got it done. You just didn't do it the way I would have done it But you did get it done. You were clutch. You came through under pressure. You were focused and conscientious It's well done and mom walked away Now here is the really cool thing and why I've been waiting because what I told the mom is your daughter will eventually come to you and say,

mom, I don't wanna be up till the middle of the night every time doing these, can you help me? Well, it is now three weeks later, which is not bad because I told the mom, it could be three months, it could be three years from now. But the daughter came to her because she had said along the way, hey mom, she can always say, hey look if you need some help with that, if you want

to learn how to organize and do that, just let me know sometime. And then you walk out of the room. Well here's what's really cool. The daughter finally came to her after this happened a couple more times and said mom I'm tired of doing it this way can you help me with this and this was really cool now the daughter's asking for help remember we've talked about that in the lecturing series we did about drawing your kids so that they come asking you and so the mom gave her the ADHD University program and said, honey, I think this is gonna help you.

And they've had talks about like, hey, this isn't a disorder, there's nothing wrong with your brain, it just works differently. And time management will probably never be your strong suit, but you have to learn how to manage your energy because you work on momentum. You're a highly sensitive person so you feel things deeply. And so they had this amazing talk now about how the daughter's

brain works. They had a great talk about the fact that the mom's brain works in a very different way and she's kind of more of a left brain, very, very project manager person. And so what the mom said is previously, it would have just been her lecturing, getting on her daughter, her daughter would have shut down, once again felt like I'm a failure,

I can never please my parents, I'm not as good as my brother. And instead, they're having this conversation. Now the daughter is starting to take ownership over this herself because she's understanding how her brain works. So I know when I go through this there's going to be questions. Well, aren't you just excusing her behavior? And answer is no. The daughter in this situation already knows that it's suboptimal to wait until the last night to wait until 2 AM.

But what she didn't realize and didn't know was she does this for a couple reasons. One, you're really sensitive kids. There's sense of all the chaos and commotion in the house, and sometimes they stay up late at night because that's after everybody goes to bed. And they can think more clearly.

They can process information more clearly when it's kind of just quiet like that. And there's also a brain stimulation issue. Procrastination is a tool. It's not always my favorite or the best tool, but it is an effective tool because when you procrastinate and wait till the last minute, now you have a very definitive time limit and there's pressure and that adrenaline rush brings blood flow to the brain and actually helps you concentrate. So now watch the mom is getting to teach her daughter, this is why you did it. It's not because you're lazy and careless

and you don't follow through. It's like, no, this is how your brain works. But now I can teach you a way to get that brain stimulation in more productive and healthy ways so you don't have to wait until last night till two o'clock in the morning. See, and's also like well aren't you gonna give her a consequence? Well no she already has a consequence which is she is tired. There's no need to pile on here on this child and here's what's really cool. The mom in this case

you just spoke truth. You said hey you did come through in the last minute. You were conscientious and focused at 2 a.m. You got it done. And that that allowed her because the mom was able to step out of her own anxiety over like, oh, is my daughter always going to do this? What's it going to be like in the future? And the own anxiety of like, I really want the job done more quickly because sometimes as parents it's like,

please get that done because then I can kind of mentally check it off of my list. And she had to step out of her own control issues over how she would do it. And that's really powerful. And then guess what happens? Now a few weeks later, I know we wanted the daughter that day to say,

mother, could you please show me a different way to do my projects? It came, but it came a few weeks later when the daughter was ready. I love that. So what if you have younger kids? Let's go through some different situations and I wanna give you some insight

that's really important for your strong willed kids for you to understand them. So guess who's been stealing my AG1? Mrs. Calm. She's trying to make that transition from so much caffeine or smoothies in the morning to starting her day with AG1 and she said I feel good knowing I'm starting my day putting really healthy ingredients in my body. It's a quick, easy habit. There's no cleanup, there's no cleaning blenders, and that's huge to her. I've noticed an uptick in energy and mood, and that's why I've been enjoying and partnering with AG1 for so long.

Look, Valentine's Day is coming up. Why don't you and your spouse create a healthy habit together? It's more likely to stick that way, and it's great modeling for your kids. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift when you sign up. You'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2 and five AG1 travel packs in your first box. So make sure to check out drinkag1.com slash com to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com slash com to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com slash com to start your new year on a healthier note. Many of us have kids who struggle with an overly rigid diet. Some kids are eating uncontrollably and they're feeling a lot of shame. Any behavior around

food that is affecting your kids physical or mental health needs to be taken seriously. If your child's eating habits are interfering with their daily life, it might be time to seek support. And that's why I'm excited to introduce you to Equip. Equip is an evidence-based eating disorder treatment program that provides you with virtual, evidence-based care so your child can heal at home. Each family has access to a team of eating disorder experts that include a therapist, dietitian, medical provider and mentors with lived experience. Your family gets dedicated wraparound support that helps your child achieve lasting recovery at home. If you're concerned at all about your child's relationship with food, don't wait to get an expert's advice.

Visit equip.health slash com for a free consultation with equip. That's equip.health slash com. So here's another kind of real life example of these two boys who they like to wrestle a lot. And one day when no one was looking, they took the good pillows off the sofa and they got duct tape and they tied the pillows to themselves so they could go outside and wrestle and throw themselves against each other without getting hurt. Well, what

happens? Well, they kind of ruined the pillows and they were all dirty and and so the natural response of any parent is, what were you guys, what were you thinking? Like what were you thinking? Now you ruined my pillows and see that now we go down that negative route. So does that mean we just say, you know guys, I love when you ruin my stuff. No, but my first step is to just control myself for a moment and take the, get the larger picture, larger perspective. That's partly why I like to be calm,

is because it slows my world down inside so I can see situations in a different way. There will be a consequence for this. But the first thing I want to tell my kids is, hey, awesome job being outside playing together. Because how many of us we complain they're on their screens all the time. Why won't you go out and play? And then when they do go out and play, they don't do it in a way you want because they get dirty and messy or they throw something in a neighbor's house So hey you guys were outside playing that was really smart You knew that you were gonna throw yourselves at each other and wrestle so you did it in a really safe way

That's a really creative solution to that Well done and again just think your, they don't think things through. That's why consequences are very limited, especially for younger kids, because they don't stop in that moment and think, huh, let's think this through, brother or sister. Do you think mom or dad will be upset at us if we do that? They don't, they're impulsive

because that's what you're supposed to be when you're a kid, impulsive and go do stuff. And so they know after they get done playing when mom or dad comes out, the pillows are ruined. So when you first come out and you're like, hey, nice job playing outside, that was smart, you didn't get hurt, very creative. It's like, here's another part before we get to the consequence. It gives you some insight. These are kids who have some sensory processing needs. It makes

their bodies feel settled in order to get that physical pressure. So that gives you an opportunity now to say, hey, if I don't want my kids using the pillows throwing themselves at each other, I can sign them up for martial arts class getting involved in rock climbing just had a parent whose son wanted to do ballet and just think about that just thinking ballet how intense that is and that physical pressure on your body man that's really really healthy. Swimming, ice hockey, as our son did because he liked to throw himself at other kids. You know, shoveling mulch in the backyard. Doing that heavy work is really good for them. Now you don't just

have to be some permissive parenting. Oh I just love it when my boys are creative and destroy my house. It's not what I'm saying. So at the end of this you can say, hey guys love your creativity, love that how that happened, but you just ruined, destroyed the two pillows and so you're gonna have to do some chores around the house in order to earn some money to pay for replacement pillows. There's nothing mean about that. There's nothing that's appropriate. Because you did encourage them. You recognized all the good things.

But you're also saying, hey, next time, think it through a little bit more. Or come tell me, hey mom, we want to throw ourselves at each other. You got a better way to do that without ruining your pillows. You could also go to a thrift store which I love and buy stuff there that they can now use or have them buy it because it's really cheap there so that in the future when they want to do things and destroy

something it's just something you got from a thrift store. What about the same thing like right little girl or little boy. This was me when I was a little kid. I don't know why. When I was a little kid, I got scissors and I just cut my hair. And then I hid in the cabinet underneath the sink. My mom couldn't find me.

This is back in the day, like parents had like, she had like four boys within six years, so she lost count of us. But anyway, same thing, right? Like daughter made a mess trying to cut her bangs. They're not going to look right. So child's going to be embarrassed. You might be embarrassed. And again you come in and in this case I'm a little bit curious and instead of honey what were you thinking? Now we're going to have to blah blah blah blah. It's not everything

is shame because sometimes when kids make bad choices like hey you just made a bad decision. There's no shame there but there's a consequence for that. That's perfectly fine. But in this case I'd be curious about it. Like why did you want to cut your bangs? Was it the sensory feel of it? Was it just that it was something new and you were bored?

Figure that out. But there's different ways you can handle these situations. It's like little kids who get food out and they just make their own dinner or their own meal. Well what happens? They're gonna make a mess out of everything. They're probably not gonna do it the right way. It's like the toddler who puts twist ties in his shoes so he doesn't have to learn how to tie his shoes. Your kids just do things in different ways and so this coming week

what I want you to do is pause. Just stop before you react. It doesn't mean you're gonna be inside like, I just love that my kids make messes and do things wrong, but with a kid who made something you say, hey, I like your initiative. I like the creativity. I like that you were wanting to be independent. That's what it is. I like that you wanted to be independent and do this yourself. Now there's going to be a mess all over the counter. And instead of this, my own personal opinion, you have every right to say, hey, you made the mess, you clean it up. But my experience says strong will kids are just not going to

do that. So you put on some music and say, you know what, let's celebrate your independence and your creativity and that you gave that a shot. I'll help you clean up, which means you're gonna do most of it. And then I can show you and start teaching you how to cook for yourself. In these situations now you're starting to teach your kids how to be responsible for themselves. The girl that stayed up till 2 a.m. just think of what we learned from that and how we were able to build her up and say hey you are clutch under pressure and then teaching her how her brain works.

I want you to do that with your little kids. Hey, here's why you did that because you have a natural need for your brain to be stimulated. So you can either do it this way, hitting your brother, but you're just going to lose your stuff and get in trouble. Or if you've got a really big heart, I can show you different ways to get brain stimulation doing something else. So here's the insight. So let's try that this week.

Here's the insight I want to give you into these kids. And I did it. It's not enough to do like an entire podcast on it, but it relates to this. Your kids will often strong will kids will often choose a different area in which to excel in life. And I'll give you an example. So growing up I was really good athlete playing ball sports. So of course, I become a dad, got a son, I want him to play ball sports. Guess what? He's not very good at it. He ends up choosing ice hockey, which is skating, and he skis really well. Guess what are two things I'm not good at doing?

Skating and skiing. Now, did he do that on purpose? I don't know. I think it's probably subconscious because I've noticed this in most of the families that I've worked with is the child will choose an area that's their own. Because you know what my son knew is no matter what he did, he would never really be able to please me or live up to my expectations with ball sports because I was really into it. So he chose other areas. And now I can't lecture him.

It's not me teaching him how to do those things. It's actually the reverse, which is he's teaching me how to ski. So you'll find, I found this in families sometimes where you have like two highly educated parents, right? Both doctors or have master's degrees, doctorates. The child knows, look, I can never, I can never exceed your expectations. I can't even live up to them. So they kind of shut down because they want their own area. So what I encourage you to do is one is be aware of that and let

your kids shine in an area that is not yours. And I also want to encourage you this week. Let's pick a behavior or a situation that comes up or that irritates you a lot. Flip around the script in your brain from, why can't they do it my way? Why do they always have to do it this way? And begin doing a couple things. One is ask, why do they do it the way they do it? Slow your world down. Be a detective this week. You will learn about what motivates your child,

about how their brains work, so that you can work with their nature, and instead of letting your own anxiety and control issues dump all over them so that they feel like the bad kid or the kid who can never please you, now look at situations and say, ah, that's why they're doing it that way.

Because if you can acknowledge that and affirm that and then teach your child and say, oh, I know exactly why you're laying upside down off the sofa. Because when you do that, blood flow rushes to your brain. That's actually really good for your brain and it helps you concentrate. Here are five other ways in order to, you can stimulate your brain and do homework more easily. This is why you stay up late at night, that procrastination. Do that this week and then what happens is your kids begin to look to you as a source of wisdom, as someone they trust

because you're just not commenting all the time on negative what they're doing wrong. You're saying, oh man I never thought to do it that way. Now I figured out why you do that. Be curious and say, I am curious. Why did you do it that way? Because it seems to work for you. It's just different than I would do it. Now you can problem solve and teach them. Okay, you've got your goal. Find an irritating behavior, flip the script around, and let's begin affirming and teaching our kids.

I do encourage you, let your kids listen to the podcast. If you have our programs on the app, we can even if you have older kids who have their own phone, we can send Casey's Straight Talk for Kids program, the ADHD University program, the Stronghold Child program, any of them, we can send them directly to your child or just play them in the car because then your kids begin to hear, oh, that guy's describing me.

That's how my brain works. So there's nothing wrong with my brain. No, it just works differently than other kids do or the teachers brain works or mind works So how can we do this the way it works for you have those? Discussions it's really cool. Okay moms and dads Respect you so much for working so hard to change if we can help you any way. Let us know. Okay. Love you I'll talk to you soon. Bye. Bye