Calm Parenting Podcast - Bedtime, AM Routine, Hygiene & More

Episode Date: October 19, 2020

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to sleep. You finally get them in bed and then in the morning they won't get up. And that's for many reasons. Maybe it's for many reasons. Maybe it's anxiety about school, whatever it is. But oftentimes, the beginning and ending of the day is just brutal. And one of the key ideas I want to give you today is this. It is that nearly every power struggle, nearly every encounter is an opportunity to turn what usually irritates you and separates you from your child into a bonding moment you actually enjoy. Now, I know that seems like, oh, sure, how can you do that?

That's what we're all about here, and that's what we're going to talk about today on the Calm Parenting Podcast. So, welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. We understand what you're going through because the person you're going to talk to is our son, Casey, who was difficult at bedtime, morning routine. And so, so much of this we draw on is from our own experiences with our strong-willed child, who is actually now an awesome young man who will help you put together any resources that you need within your budget. We will give you ideas if you email us at Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. And we had experience with about 1,500 kids who came into our home,

and we've worked with almost a million families. So what we want you to know is you're not alone. And so if you're like, oh, you're describing our child, good. It means you're not alone. It means you're not alone. It means you're not some awful parent who did something wrong. It's just you have to take a different approach with these kids. So even if you don't struggle with bedtime or morning routine, this will be very helpful to you because we're going to take you through the process and how you begin to

redefine your objective and understanding that relationships change behavior more than just trying to change your child's behavior. And I'm going to go through two or three examples today. These all come from recent phone consultations with different parents. And I love the phone consultations because the advantage I have is I'm an outsider. You are too close to this. And I have been able to look in from the outside and say, oh, I see where this is falling apart. And it's really cool that when we're able to do this and then follow up with people and see, okay, we're going to get that breakthrough because we've been stuck in this area. So first thing I want to talk, let's talk about bedtime first.

So here's the situation. Again, you can apply it to your situation. You may be a single mom, a single parent. You may be a grandparent. So in this situation, it's two parents with two kids. And so they go up to bed and then it's just a nightmare because one child goes to bed easily and the other one is one of our kids who just doesn't. And so I'll encourage you with a couple things right off the bat. Let's redo, like let's choose a couple times of the day and begin to make some changes. And one thing I'd encourage you with is don't start off saying, okay kids, time for bed, because you may as well just cue, hey, do you want to fight right now? Because I'm trying to transition you from doing something

you really enjoy to going up. And it's a trigger. Those words are a trigger. Kids, ready for bed? No, they're not ready for bed, right? And so it just kicks off. Those very words actually are a trigger. So I'd encourage you, you don't even have to use those words. Just lead. Begin to lead. You walk upstairs. You get the book, whatever it is. And I know you guys have all been told this, right? Like, well, if you just have a routine, right? And you're consistent with your routine every night and you read to your kids and put them to bed, they'll go to bed on time and you won't have any problems. Well, the problem with that is you've done that and you've done everything right with the strong-willed child and yet it doesn't work because they're different. And what works for most kids won't work for them.

So you're going to have to do it differently. And let me throw out a few ideas for you really quickly on bedtime. You've got to figure out what the root of it is. For some of your kids, they are very kind of emotional kids. And these kids are slow processors. So watch how the day goes. Guys, come on. Got to get up. School, school, school. Let's go, they are very kind of emotional kids. And these kids are slow processors. So watch how the day goes. Guys, come on. Got to get up. School, school, school. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. And then you run around all day. You've got extracurriculars maybe. You've got homework time. You've got dinner time and bath time and then bedtime. And you lay your child

down and go to sleep. And what do you hear? Mom, can we talk? And you're like, no, I'm exhausted. I've been looking forward to your bedtime for literally hours, right? And so what's happening is they're slow processors and some of your kids are a little bit more emotional. So the day's busy, busy, busy, busy. When you lay them down at bedtime, that's when they finally stop. Everything slows down and they're like, oh, can we talk? Because they want to dump all the ick from the day or all of their thoughts, their anxiety on you. And so one idea, I'll give you a couple. One is I always love the after dinner walk with your family is phenomenal. It's great for you. Just right after dinner, go for a walk, invite your kids. If they don't come and join you, good. You get 20 minutes alone, maybe by yourself, and that'll calm you down before bedtime. You can do the walk or maybe

you go with your spouse or maybe one child goes. But walking and talking is awesome because you're not staring at your child and you're getting fresh air. My favorite idea, especially with younger kids, but I've done this even with teenagers, is sometime in the afternoon or early evening, maybe turn the lights out, throw a blanket down on the living room floor, and just go in and lie down. You lie down on the floor. Typically, kids are drawn to people and adults who are sitting down and lying down. And if they come and lie down next to you at 4.37 or 6.22, that's better than at 8.30 or 9.30. Here's what you're communicating. I've got time to listen right now.

I've got time. I'm not worried about fixing dinner or doing the dishes and getting everything else done. I've got seven minutes for you. And sometimes during that time, they will begin to open up about their fears and their anxiety and things that are going on and what's bugging them. And you can get that work done then instead of it being done at bedtime. Some of you have sensory kids, so put them in a sleeping bag, shove them in a closet. Don't tell

anybody you're doing that. But oftentimes, actually, a sleeping bag, it feels really good. It's kind of like a weighted blanket. It can just, it helps so many of our kids. I've had dads who are like, okay, we're going to sleep like an army ranger on the sleeping bag. Do I want to sleep on a sleeping bag? Nope, because I'm 54. It hurts my body. But your kids, they don't mind at all.

And now they don't have to make their bed because they just have a sleeping bag. They can roll it up, shove it under their bed, or throw it in the closet. And it works. Don't worry. Don't make things harder than they need to be. If it works, and this is one of the key things that I try to really get across, especially on the No BS Instruction Manual for Strong Will Kids, is don't make it harder than it needs to be. Do what works for your family. Don't worry about other people. Don't even tell them what you're doing because they're going to judge you. Oh, well, we're just really consistent and we have a routine and our kids just do everything that we ask. Right? That's so, so dumb because you're just going to get judged by people. If it works for you and your family, do it. So you know what I mean. Within boundaries.

White noise, sometimes music. Casey and I use that all the time. Some of you have kids who have a fear of missing out. When they go to bed, it's like, oh, I'm missing out on everything that's going on. You know, Casey had that when he was little. What my wife and I did, we put him to bed, and he liked for us to go downstairs and put the dishes away, and he loved to us to go downstairs and put the dishes away and he'd love to hear us talking. That ambient kind of conversation and noise was very settling. So we eventually just

recorded it. So an average evening so he could hear that at bedtime. It was weird, but that's what's happening. Sometimes just the natural rhythm of your child. Some of your kids just will stay up later and they will sleep in later and that's the way they are. Many of your child. Some of your kids just will stay up later and they will sleep in later. And that's the way they are. Many of your teenagers, the time that they will do homework is late at night. Why? Because you went to bed, you're not lecturing them, you're not hanging over their shoulder, and the kind of like the energy of the world kind of slows down and it makes it easier for them to concentrate. So you've got to learn your kid's rhythm. So here's kind of what we wanted to work with with his family is to say, do what works for

you guys. So maybe dad takes one child, maybe the compliant child up one night alone and they go up separately and then mom brings the other child up. They can go up at different times. They don't have to go up together where they're going to feed off of each other, right? And so what we can do with that is let's not say, okay, kids, time for bed, because that sets off a huge chain reaction of all the stuff you have to do before bedtime and the day's ending, and they may not like it.

So just lead. And you just start walking upstairs and grab the book, right? And what you're communicating, well, this is just how we roll, because every night at 8.30, I come up to your room and we read. You don't, and you don't have to, like, after you're done reading, don't say good night, sleep well. I'm not saying that's wrong, but if it's a trigger for your child, there's no need to do it, right? And so here's kind of the big idea that I want to kind of communicate, and it's this. It's let's begin to redefine the objective. See, if my objective in the next 20 minutes is to get you to go upstairs and go to bed and go to sleep, what's going to happen? As soon as I encounter a

little bit of resistance, which I'm going to get right away, all the way up the stairs, brushing the teeth, all of that. Well, my tone's going to get shorter. Because I'm going to, look, just get, you need to go to sleep because you have to get up early in the morning. And as soon as your tone shortens, the child picks up on that. They will internalize your own anxiety and your frustration. What happens? They will resist more and it begins to spiral out of control and they won't go to sleep and that day ends with you being frustrated

at your child. And if you're a mom, I guarantee you're going to go downstairs after that and you're going to feel guilty the rest of the night because you put your child to bed and you love that child, but you end up yelling at them before bed or threatening them sometime. But if our goal, if we redefine the objective and the goal is to bond for 15 minutes with my child at the end of the day, now I've changed because now I'm just reading and my tone becomes a little bit sweeter and I'm not anxious and I'm more patient and the child begins to relax into that. And the child doesn't see, there's nothing to fight against. And you're more likely to get your child to go to sleep. Now I'm perfectly fine with saying, see, my goal is to get you, you go to, we're going to your bedroom at this time. And the rule is you don't get out

of your bed. You don't come out of your bedroom. But look, this is just being honest with you. For many of your kids, you can't make them go to sleep at that exact specified time because that exact specified time is arbitrary. And it's based on when you want them to go to bed. And I understand they need to get a good night's sleep. Otherwise, they're a bear the next day. All of that I understand. But some of your kids, no matter what you do, they're just going to take a while. So if I create a relaxing environment and they're up there, I just change the whole tone and I just encourage you to try that and try changing the language of that. Because what I want you to do is turn something that's frustrating every single night that you dread over an arbitrary time into a bonding opportunity

that you actually enjoy because the more that you enjoy your child in that, and this isn't giving in. It's not like, oh, I don't want to fight with you so you can stay up to 11. Not at all. Have your boundaries on it, but begin to redefine it. Let me give you a quick little example as well so we've got this daughter and like many of your kids she just likes to wear the same clothes over and over again so mom's very smart finds what the daughter likes and just buys like three four or five of them maybe in different colors that's how I do my clothes shopping if I

find something that's comfortable I just buy a few of them and I don't have to go for a few years. I'm a guy. That's the way I roll. So here's the deal. But when this mom actually takes her daughter's clothes and washes them, this daughter will not wear the clothes. It could be for weeks. And there's something about it that the daughter doesn't like. So we talk a lot. Last week, we talked about the idea of ownership. So let's give her some ownership of it. And what we had found out in the phone consultation is this daughter is actually really creative. And she actually makes little houses for her pets. So I was like, okay, she's creative. She's good with her hands. Why don't we just turn this over to her and say, hey, clothes need to be washed, but I don't care how you do it.

So you could make your own washing machine. You could do it out of a cardboard box. You could do your washing machine in the sink. You can do it in the bathtub. However you want to do the washing machine doesn't matter to me. There's nothing wrong with doing your clothes in the sink. When we traveled to Europe to speak and to do other things, we do our clothes in the sink because that's all that we have and it works just fine. And the daughter can choose what she wants to wash it in. Again, within your boundaries.

But if she has a certain shampoo that she likes and it has a certain fragrance, who cares? We just want to wash it in the water and be reasonably clean and how do you want to dry it do you want to dry it hang it on this and make your own clothesline and dry it in the sun guarantee it's going to be really stiff after that but if you want to do it like that again the idea of ownership is within my boundaries I literally don't care how you get it done as long as you get it done if you want to be creative and own it, go for it. And so what we've done is we've taken away that power struggle, given the child responsibility

for cleaning her own clothes, because if she's responsible for it, she probably will wear the clothes more often because she knows how she did. Anyway, hope that makes sense. But here's another big one, morning routine. So let's switch ages here, because now we're talking with a nice family and we cover a lot of ground in these phone consultations. It's so interesting, especially when you have a husband

and wife on the line because you can hear how they approach things in different ways. And then I can be kind of the mediator, which is uncomfortable at times, but I really enjoy it because I can be the outsider looking in. So we've got a tween teenager who's always late and rushing out the door. And all the dads said, I just want him dressed and out the door on time without a big fight, without having to coddle him and lay out his clothes every day and without having to scream at him. And so we came up with the idea of let's have dad handle this. Let's have mom step away because sometimes moms do kind of everything and I want dad to handle this in the morning. And so we found out

about this child. Tell me about his strengths. What does he like? Okay, he loves fishing. Loves, loves, loves fishing. Does dad love fishing? No, but we bond. We always take an interest in what the child is interested in because that's what they're curious and motivated by. And the child likes rap music. So here's where we begin to redefine the objective. If the objective is to get you in the car on time the entire morning, from the time I wake you up in the morning until the time I lecture you and I tell you what to do and I remind you to put on your clothes and do, and I remind you to put on your clothes, and do this, and brush your teeth, and you've got to eat, and come on, let's roll, get your backpack, come on, why do I have to tell you again, and can you hear all that anxiety causes your kids to move more slowly, and it just makes me

really frustrated, and I begin to snap, and I only notice the negative, and what happens, and this is what I want you to encourage you to know is all of these things that we do about our own anxiety and yelling and our election and all those things, they don't work. They don't accomplish the objective. That's bad enough. So one, it doesn't work. What you're doing now doesn't work. Men out there, dads, well, it's my way or the highway. I'll teach him how to do it. Well, you've been doing that for the last four or 14 years. It hasn't worked. It's not working.

And secondly, you're hurting your relationship with your child because they won't listen to you now because it's always, it's never good enough. You're always negative. You're always yelling. And so it doesn't work. So let's redefine the objective from getting him in the car to every morning, I'm going to bond with my son. So when we wake the child up in the morning, guess what we're asking about?

Saying, hey, if you get dressed, get downstairs in the next 12 minutes because I like interesting time limits. I've got some really cool fishing videos that I found on YouTube. And while we're eating breakfast together, We can watch those cool fishing videos if you get in the car at the right time I will allow you to listen to one rap song on the way to school and I'll actually act Interested in it and I've actually found a couple rap artists that I looked up to see what their stories were and And see I'm taking an interest and I'm bonding. Instead of sending a child away from me,

I'm drawing him to me. And you know what ends up happening in these situations? You end up bonding with your child over something and that gets them moving more, right? So it's the relationships that change behavior more quickly than anything else. And I encourage you, if you're struggling with this, reach out to us. We will try to give you ideas. I will tell you, if you've got teenagers, I can almost guarantee

you, you need to go through the No BS Instruction Manual. It's 25 action steps that we put together that will, I guarantee, they will change your entire relationship. They will motivate your child. They will change that whole dynamic. If you want to do a phone consultation, just look up under the products, under the big sale that we have. It's under there. If you need help, ask Casey. We will help you with this. We want two things. We want the behaviors to change and we want you to have a good relationship with your child and actually enjoy them again. So let's recap this really quickly. We're going to redefine the objective. So take the time of day or the situation. Here's

what I want right now. I'm focused on this and diagram what usually happens and then twist it around and say, well, what if I redefined my objective to a different objective where we get to bond? And what if we can turn these power struggles into opportunities to actually bond with your child to become closer to them where you become the trustworthy leader? See, that's really cool. And that's what we're after. Calm parenting isn't just about, well, I'm just being calm. No, I want your child to get to bed on time. I want your child in the car on time. I want your child doing his or her homework, being responsible for chores, being responsible for his or her own hygiene. I want all of those things. It's just that if you directly try to make it happen and you have control issues and a lot of anxiety,

it won't happen. And that's why you're listening to the Calm Parenting Podcast. But if you switch it around how you see it differently, oh, we can get all those things done and you can enjoy your child without all the power struggles. If we can help you in any way, fine. We've got a huge sale going on the Calm Parenting package. Anything we can help you with, let us know. It's Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. Love you all. Bye-bye.