Calm Parenting Podcast - Bedtime, Dinnertime & Morning Routine: 5 Ways to Stop the Stress

Episode Date: December 10, 2019

Bedtime, Dinnertime & Morning Routine: 5 Ways to Stop the StressYou have power struggles from the time your kids wake up until they (finally) go to bed. Kirk provides very practical, but unique, ways to eliminate the stress so you can enjoy your kids again. We have a massive Christmas Sale at www.CelebrateCalm.com to help you be the parent your kids need you to be. Start 2020 calm and confident.Need help or want to bring Kirk to your town? Email [e-mail] or call 888-506-1871 for the friendliest customer service on the planet. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Hey everybody, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, coming to you live from Poland. We're in a small town in Poland where Copernicus was born and where they have awesome gingerbread. It's where it all started. It's really cool. I wanted to share some insight. I'm going to talk about morning routine, dinner time, and bedtime. But before I get there, let me give you some insight into Strong Will Kids. Because we, a long time ago, about 18 years ago, we invited these kids into our home. Rather than just bringing

kids into a therapeutic office one-on-one, we wanted kids in our house. So we'd have 10 to 15 strong will kids with all kinds of different issues, some on the spectrum, some not, but usually pretty emotional kids like the kids we're always describing here. And I wanted them in our home because that way we could control the environment, right? So we'd make sure that they would irritate each other. So we'd teach them how to handle conflict. We'd make sure that they were disappointed, right? We changed plans at the last minute because that way they would melt down and we could teach them in a moment how to deal with frustration and disappointment, how to control their own emotions. And by the way, it's one of the reasons Casey, my son, is so good at this when he does school assemblies or, you know, a straight talk for kids program,

because he grew up watching all these kids and learning how to do that. And he was that kid. And so he's got like all his childhood was spent around really challenging kids of whom he was the most challenging. So it's kind of cool. But what we learn from these kids, well, there's a ton we learned, but one is that they're very self-taught kids. As I'm traveling on this trip, because we're doing some private training in Poland and Germany, you find Copernicus. He was just a curious guy. He was not a trained astronomer. Nobody taught him. He just went outside. He lived in the backwaters of Poland in a small little town nobody ever knew about. And he'd just make these observations because he was curious.

But the key part that he had beyond the curiosity was the tenacity and the courage to counter the prevailing wisdom that had stood for 2,000 years. That takes a strong will to say, hey, Aristotle, hey, church and science, everything you've believed for the past 2,000 years, it's all wrong. Guess what? Sun doesn't revolve around the earth. The earth revolves around the sun. That takes courage. That takes a strong will. That's who history books are written about, strong-willed people. We were just in Wittenberg, where Martin Luther is from, and I'm on my way to Eisenach, a cool little town with kind of an old castle fortress where he was under the threat of death, which is always a nice thing. It's a nice thing when

the established authority figure of the church is like, oh, we're going to kill you. Anybody who wants to kill you can kill you. So he hides out there, and in this little tiny room, in a matter of a few weeks, he translates the New Testament into the vernacular or common German language from which the current German language comes. It was Martin Luther who basically devised the German language that is learned now, basically came from him because of what he did, right? And there's a point to this also with my son. But it takes someone with a very strong will and the courage to say, hey, established authority figure on the entire earth who has the power to kill me, guess what? Many of your teachings are wrong, and I'm not going to back down from that. And that's an awesome quality to have.

It also makes them kind of jerks at times, but that's who you're dealing with, and it's not always such a bad thing. The self-taught part of this was my son, for some reason, from the time he was little, I think maybe because my dad and mom had been stationed in Germany after the war, he taught himself German. He didn't take any lessons from anyone. And my point is, beware, be cautious. I want to save you money. Don't spend a lot of money signing your kids up for lessons with music and different things because many of them aren't going to listen to a teacher. They want to learn

themselves and teach themselves. My son is fluent in German. He taught himself how to do that. He is a fantastic guitar player. Guess how he learned? By watching YouTube videos. I hate YouTube, but he watched them and learned, and then he practiced in blues clubs just playing with people, right? Self-taught. And so your kids are very much like that. So just try not to discount that and don't waste a lot of money. So let's talk about this. Morning routine, dinner, bedtime. Here's where this comes from. Got a lot of testimonials in the last week from people who downloaded the special CD package with the Christmas sale we're having at CelebrateCalm.com, Christmas special, because it's ridiculously inexpensive right now. And just don't miss it. It's 30 hours of wisdom and strategies, and it will change your family. So please don't put that off. It really works.

The funny thing is we get emails this week that were like, Kirk, I tried the strategies and it really worked. And I'm like, inside, I'm like, what do you think I spent my life doing? Think I'm just putting a bunch of ideas that don't work? Of course it works. And I'm like, inside, I'm like, what do you think I spend my life doing? Think I'm just putting a bunch of ideas that don't work? Of course it works. And I'm always glad to hear the testimonials. But that's kind of my first thought. And I got this really cool one from a dad who said, you know, I listened to your dad's CD and identified because I'm basically you. And I was like, yeah, we're all the same.

This is how men, we're basically kind of all the same. This is what we're trained to do and what we know to do. And he said, I heard myself in you. And he said, the thing that I want most for my kids, I want to pass down this legacy to my kids. And I love them so much. And I'm so hard on them. But what I realized was I was crushing my kids and I wasn't building the relationship and I'm starting to make changes. And he said he started doing that kneeling thing, remember? And where he comes in from the home because he's got little kids and he starts kneeling. And he said his kids now ask him, dad, can we do the family huddle? Is it huddle time? Because what that means is they're connecting

with their dad. If you don't think that's going to change behavior in the home very quickly, man, at a recent workshop, mom comes out and she asks in the beginning, because I always do a little Q&A of like, oh, I've got kids who are really volatile and they get really, really angry. And there were two of them. And what struck me was, okay, that's unusual to have both of them, which means there's probably a common root. And what hit me was, I bet there's a divorce where there's a dad, maybe there's a dad who's kind of volatile. After the workshop, she stayed behind and I said, so what's the root here? Because the problem isn't that your kids can't control themselves, there's some underlying anger. And she's like, yeah, there's a bad divorce and my kids saw my husband do some things he shouldn't have done. I was like,

yeah, see, that's the issue there. That's what you need to focus on, right? Because it's not just about them controlling themselves. You've got to deal with the underlying root of it, right? Does that make sense? So anyway, kudos to the dads and the moms out there who are writing in, who are working at this stuff and doing it differently. So here's the theme of this podcast. Don't be afraid to do things differently than you think they should be done, than the way other people do it, the way your parents did it, the way other people judge you. Don't. Morning routine. I've been through some of this before, but why not just feed your kids outside? Why not just let them eat their cereal or eat what they're eating outside on the back deck or on the grass? I don't care. Just throw some cereal in the backyard.

Who cares? Let them get on their hands and knees and eat. Many of your boys and girls, they would love doing that. I'm kind of kidding, but kind of not. If it works, why not do it? For them, they get to eat without a parent standing over them, lecturing them, talking and talking and talking. They get to eat in peace outside. Most of your kids love animals and nature, so let them do that. And while your strong-willed child is outside eating her

breakfast, you get to be inside enjoying the peace with your other child, right? Don't be afraid. Why can't your kids wear the clothes to bed that they're going to wear to school the next day? It's brilliant. Then they wake up done, ready. And you're going to, the problem is you because you have too much anxiety. And right. And that's the reason you're getting in fights, right? You're getting, I guarantee you, cause it's cold. It's winter time. Now, many of your kids are going to come down in the morning and they're going to be wearing shorts. They're not going to wear a jacket. You're going to be like, you know what? If you don't wear warm clothes, you're going to catch a cold.

You just lied to your child. You don't catch a cold from cold weather. You catch it from germs. The truth is this. You don't want the other mothers and parents and teachers to think that you're a bad mother sending your child to school with their shorts on in the winter. Let it go. Look, I'm not talking about sending kids out in a snowstorm with no shoes. That's not what I'm talking about.

But they can handle a little bit of cold. And you're creating a power struggle almost every day over something that simply doesn't matter. So look, if you live in northern Canada and it's minus 40 or in Minnesota, sure, your kids need to take a jacket with them, but they're not going to die, okay? And if they do, I'm kidding, they're not going to die. So we do morning routine, connection before compliance. You'll hear that on the CDs. One of my favorite things for morning routine is time for time, trading time for time. So as you listen to the Discipline at Work CDs, listen to that because I go through a

whole range of really tough approach where you're just like, hey, this is how I roll and connecting with your kids because that's the best way to change behavior. Dinner time. Here's a good one. Why not feed your kids early? Why not? Especially with younger kids. All they eat is mac and cheese and chicken nuggets anyway. So why not? Look, I was, again, doing a workshop and I was watching this guy because everything I said, he was like nodding, like, yep, that's me. That's me. So I got to dinner time and I was like, so here's what dinner

time sounds like at your home. Jacob, you need to sit still. We're going to enjoy dinner together as a family. Well, apparently you're not because nobody's enjoying dinner because you're too busy correcting your kids over every little thing that they do and you don't do. And then you're going to get frustrated because you're projecting out in the future and thinking if my four or six or eight or 10 year old can't sit perfectly still at the dinner table and have great manners, how's he going to get a job one day and who's going to marry him, and how's he going to be successful in life? And that's all wasted energy, and you're picking power struggles that don't need to exist. Look, some of it is this. In your head, you're thinking, well, family

dinner time is bonding time. Sure, it can be, but it's not the only time that you can bond with your kids. And for many of you, you just grew up watching Leave it to Beaver, but it's not the only time that you can bond with your kids. And for many of you, you just grew up watching Leave it to Beaver, where Ward June and the two kids had their awesome talk at the dinner table. Well, guess what? That was a TV show in the 1950s. It's different, and that's not reality. Some of you have kids. Look, those kids, you know why they could sit still and why we sat still when we were kids? Because we were outside for two or three hours after school every

day playing and running around and being exhausted. So by the time we finally came in for dinner, we were too exhausted. It's a different thing. So why not feed the kids early? Throw them their mac and cheese. Who cares? Throw it out in the backyard. Let them forge for it. Eat their dinner early. And then when you and your spouse get home from work, you two enjoy dinner together. I guarantee you, for the men out there, your wives will love this. Because you know what wives do all during dinner time? They are torn between managing the kids and managing husband's emotions, right? Because kids, be quiet, because we don't want dad to get upset at dinner time. And she's caught in between the two and that is brutal. And that will wear her down. So why not feed the kids early? You and

your spouse have dinner. Look, if you're a single mom, you can do this as well. Feed the kids early and then have one of your girlfriends over or just eat in peace by yourself and enjoy a nice discussion. After dinner, dad, mom can go into the living room and lay on the floor, go for a walk and bond with the kids when they don't have to sit perfectly still and eat everything on their plate and try something new and everything else we do to try to make everything miserable for our kids. You know what I'm saying with that, right? So do it differently. Bedtime, break the pattern, right? I had a mom come up to a workshop. She's like, oh, it's miserable. Like we tried it. You know, my son gets a little bit of screen time

and then we're telling him like, you got to get off screens. We've got to go to bed. And I'm like, that will never work. Who? Here's what we're saying. Hey, you've got to get off screens. We've got to go to bed. And I'm like, that will never work. Who? Here's what we're saying. Hey, you know that thing that's more fun than anything else in your entire life? Stop doing that right now. Go up, brush your teeth, which you hate doing. Put your pajamas on and go to sleep.

Because we know that you've got a lot of energy. You're not ready for sleep. And your mind's running too much anyway. And you're not going to sleep anyway. So guess what? Stop doing something you love. And then we're just going to fight for the next 45 minutes or an hour and everybody's going to be miserable. You've got to break the patterns. And that's one of the reasons I want you to listen to the CDs because we talk over and over about breaking patterns. Breaking patterns in your behavior, breaking patterns in your home,

breaking generational patterns. From me, mine was my wear the highway approach that I got from my dad. My wife's pattern to break was her mom was the martyr mother who did everything for everybody else and nothing for herself. And she grew into a resentful old person. You know why sometimes moms do everything for everybody else? You don't know that you're doing it, but it's a little bit of a subtle control thing sometimes. Because what you figure eventually is, well, since I did all these things for you, you owe me. See how insidious that is? The opposite of that is being confident about yourself and being assertive.

And that's a large part of what we do on the Straight Talk for Stressed Out Moms program is teach you to respect your own time. Your kids don't respect your time because you don't respect your time because all you ever do is do everything for the kids and everything for everybody else and you end up exhausted. But when you're in control of yourself and when you're confident and when you have the emotional strength because you haven't exhausted yourself, you can handle anything and your your kids will respect you, and they'll listen to you then, right? See, this is all about breaking those generational patterns. So break that pattern, right? So don't go from screens to bedtime. One of my favorite intermediate steps is this. Just think, your kids growing up, from the time they get up in the

morning, get up, get up, go, go, go, school, school, school, school, school, after school, got to run, got to run, got appointments, we got extracurriculars, then we got to come home, we got to do dinner time, then we got bedtime, bedtime, go to sleep, right? And then your kids are like, mom, can we talk? You're like, no, I'm exhausted. I put Benadryl in your dinner, hoping it would knock you out, but it only keeps you up later. Right? And so one of my favorite things to do, and this can be with four-year-olds, with 10-year-olds, with 16-year-olds, for little kids, you know, right before dinner, right after dinner, turn the lights down, throw a blanket in the middle of the living room floor or a tent,

by the way. If you want to get your kids to sleep sometimes, put them in a sleeping bag. Put them in a tent because it makes it more fun and it's enclosed. It feels safe. But you have a little tent in your living room or in the basement or throw some blankets down like you're having a picnic and lay on the living room floor with the lights down. Maybe put on a little bit of music. Who cares? By the way, if you ever want to get rid of your kids so they're not bugging you, put on some romantic music and start making out with your spouse. That will cause them to leave you alone because it'll be grossed out. So, I'm just kidding. I'm really not kidding. That's actually very effective. But you lay on the floor and you give them an opportunity to dump all of the day's anxiety, all of the day's thoughts, then before

you get to bedtime, right? For older kids, have a tradition. Case and I, our family, we used to do an after dinner walk. It's a great time on a walk. Walk the dogs, go outside, shoot some hoops, do something that your child enjoys doing where it is time to decompress before you get to bedtime. Just don't be afraid to do it differently and to let your kids sleep in sleeping bags and put them in a closet to sleep. Just don't tell anyone you're doing that, right? But do things differently because you have different kids who respond to different things. I hope that makes sense. Christmas special ends this week. It's phenomenal. Look, go to celebratecom.com, Christmas special tab. It's the lowest price we have ever done. We will not do

this again. We won't do it again definitely until next Christmas. The next Christmas, we may raise prices. I don't know, but it's worth it. Look, you've spent more than this on stuff that you buy. You've bought cars that you couldn't afford. You buy TVs. You're buying all electronics. You're buying all this stuff in video games. I'm giving you like 10, 11, 12 different sets from sibling issues to a mom CD, a dad CD. There's one for kids to listen to so they learn how to control themselves. It's phenomenal stuff and it will change your family. So take advantage of it. Start listening. You can download it immediately to multiple devices to share with your spouse, with your ex-spouse, with your parents, with your teachers, whoever you want. Share with them. As you listen, if you have questions, email me and I will

help you out with this stuff. You can email us for help. It's Casey. It's my son, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. He will help you out. If you already have our CDs and we have some other resources that you may like, we'll do a special Christmas sale just for you. We can do that. You know why? Because it's our company. We get to do whatever we want.

So if you're bold enough to reach out to us and email my son or call him at 888-506-1871 and ask for help, we'll help you out because we want your family to change and we want you to enjoy your kids again. That's what I want, for you to enjoy your kids. Because when you enjoy your kids and when you connect with them, their behavior will change and you have a chance this Christmas time heading into the new year to break generational patterns that continue to play out. I see it in that dad that came out to that workshop with the little kid. I was like, look, if you continue down this path, you just become your dad. And then you know what your relationship with is with him right now.

He's going to perpetuate that and put that on your kid. The greatest gift that I ever gave my son is breaking that pattern that I got from my dad so that when he grows up and he has kids, they don't have to walk on eggshells around him. That is an awesome gift to give your kids. So let us know how we can help you. Don't be afraid to be a little bit different. And remember, your kids are going to teach themselves things, which is really awesome. We want independent kids.

Okay. Thank you all. Bye from Paul. Bye-bye.