Calm Parenting Podcast - BIG DEFIANCE FROM A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP & CHILD

Episode Date: November 8, 2023

BIG DEFIANCE FROM A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP & CHILD Confession: I didn’t like Casey when he was young. I nearly destroyed our relationship and my son. So how can you recover from this when you and your strong-willed child are opposites…or worse yet, just alike? This is a powerful, hard-hitting podcast. Want to repair your relationship with your child (and spouse)? Get practical tools with our BIG SALE right now at https://celebratecalm.com. Kirk is available for Phone Consultations. Click here to learn more. This episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast is brought to you by Hello Fresh. Go to https://www.hellofresh.com and use code 50calm for 50% off plus FREE shipping. A Revolutionary Baby Monitor is Born. Visit www.MasimoStork.com to learn more. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So I'll start with a confession. I didn't like Casey when he was young. I didn't. Everything was difficult with him. And I spent the first nine and a half years of his life trying to fix and change him until I finally discovered that I was the one that needed to change. But I nearly destroyed our relationship and I nearly destroyed Casey. So how can you recover from this when you and your strong-willed child are opposites

or worse yet, you're just alike? That's what we're going to discuss in this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast as part of our series on defiance and big emotions in November. And I'm excited because we're getting lots of great testimonials from parents who have said, oh, I'm seeing much bigger changes to myself and my kids when I listen to your programs on a routine

basis. And people love the new app. It makes it so easy to go through the content. And I've got dads who are listening on their way to work. I've got moms doing the same thing, listening with the kids. Actually, I've got some homeschooling families that are using some of the programs, like Casey's program, as a part of their curriculum of learning how to control yourself. It's really cool.

So if you need help with that, email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Ask him about that, or just go to CelebrateCalm.com, and you'll find the big, big sale that we have going on over, I've got 35 hours worth of detailed instructions showing you what to do in every situation. So if you need help, let us know.

For those who don't know, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. So here's what I want to dig into, okay? As we go through this series, most of the outbursts from the child are going to sound an awful lot like defiance and disrespect. And sometimes they are. But as we've seen, sometimes the root of it is anxiety. And see, we can use that insight to build a closer, more trusting relationship with a child and to help your child overcome their anxiety. And you

know my goal is to build a closer, more trusting relationship with the child. to help your child overcome their anxiety. And you know my goal is to build a closer, more trusting relationship with the child. That is crucial as the goal of your discipline. But sometimes the defiance is caused by a broken relationship. Now warning, I'm going to reference some bad language in this episode. I won't actually say the words, but I will refer to them. So I encourage you to listen to this one without the kids. Now, other caveat is if you have an older child, a middle schooler or high schooler, perhaps, who has been hurt and who does feel like an outcast in your home, you may want to forward this podcast to them because they may relate to it on a deep level. Totally up to you. So this is a true story. It's one that's been

honestly repeated since the very beginning of time. It's the story of a father with two sons and one is the prodigal or strong willedilled child, and the other one is the more compliant golden child. And this happened right in middle America, right in Minnesota. Now, it doesn't sound a lot like Minnesota nice in the moment, but this is reality. So let's set the stage. Mom, dad, and two sons are having dinner. And we've got our typical strong-willed child who's never lived up to his dad's expectations, always does things the hard way, argues, makes everything difficult, has his own opinions, doesn't like school. He just kind of struggles. And then you've got the more compliant, good child who does everything that's expected of him. And the relationship between dad and the

strong-willed child is strained. Now, obviously, this could be a mom and a son, mom and a daughter, dad and a daughter. But in this case, it was a dad and a son, and their relationship is strained. And the relationship between husband and wife is strained because mom's been the mediator, managing the emotions of her son and her husband for years. And that will cause so many problems in your home. It will cause resentment. It will cause adrenal fatigue. And it's just not sustainable. So there's always this underlying tension in this family. And then you can throw in all the self-doubt, right, between the parents of like, oh, are we letting this strong-willed child get away with things? What would our parents have done in this situation?

People are going to judge you. All those things come into the mix. So dad asks his strong-willed child to do something for him after dinner, and his request isn't met with the requisite enthusiasm that dad wants and expects. So dad says, I don't know why you have to make everything so difficult, son. Your brother never gives me any problems. To which the strong-willed child replies, F you, dad, and storms off from the kitchen table and goes and slams his bedroom door. Now, he did use the actual F word there. Dad naturally begins yelling and threatening and taking away all privileges. Mom and compliant son are once again caught in the middle of this drama.

Now, a few thoughts. One of the most ancient recorded stories of human interaction is one between two brothers. One brother's gift, sacrifice, one brother's actions were accepted by the authority figure, who coincidentally identified as a father in the story, and the other brother's actions and gift were not accepted. Guess what happens? The rejected son kills his brother. That was before video games. It was before weapons. This has played out in families for literally thousands of years. The acceptance by the authority figure, by the father, by the mother is absolutely critical. Look, moms and dads, I know these kids are tough. I do get it.

But you absolutely must work through your own issues and learn how to accept your strong-willed child on a deep level. And I mean to truly accept them, not just tolerate them, not just put up with them. You're going to have to learn how to understand them and accept them on a deep level or it will not end well. It results, as in that ancient story, in the death, the death of self-confidence of your child, the death of self-acceptance, the death of vision and motivation. Look, I've worked with almost a million families. You know what's going to happen in homes like this? This teenage boy will shut down because he's, even if the dad and mom haven't said like, you're a loser, you disappoint us.

The kids feel this. They know it and they know they haven't lived up to your expectations. And so here's what they begin to do in the teen years. They shut down because inside, you know what they're saying? You know what? You've always thought I was a loser. You always said, hey, good job, but I've never been able to live up to your expectations. Well, guess what?

Now I'm going to live right down to those expectations and I'm going to live down to the vision how you actually see me and you're not going to be able to do anything about it because what are you going to take away? You can take away everything they own. They will just sit in their room and literally do nothing. And this will rob your child of vision and motivation. And it will ultimately lead to the death of the relationship. And by the way, it's going to lead to the death of the marriage in many situations. And this death of the relationship

will have consequences that will literally last a lifetime. Now I'm going to speak to dads. Why? Because I'm a dad and I really need you to step up here. I'm not blaming you. I'm saying you've got to step up or you will find it will kill your marriage. And you'll find you will have failed at your most important job. Your most important job is not providing for your family. I honor you for that. I respect you for how hard you work and you take that on. And that's important to you and meaningful. And it is to me as well.

And I honor you for that. But it's not your most important job. And I've meant that to sound a little bit harsh because it's not optional. Just because your child is difficult and challenging and opposite of what you expected and wanted and perhaps opposite of your nature or even worse, just like you, and maybe even just because you were raised in a home

where this wasn't tolerated and you turned out okay, doesn't mean you're justified in either just checking out and pushing your child away, right? And saying like, I'll change when that kid changes. And it doesn't mean you're justified in just going after this kid, being relentlessly kind of on him all the time. Neither of those things work. They're wrong and they will cause a lifetime of pain in your child, even when that child is 40 and 50 and still searching for your acceptance. So this is important. So back to our scene. Is saying to instance, however, is it primarily driven by outright disrespect and defiance toward that parent? The answer is no. This is driven by pain. There's a pleading nature to the tone. Listen how he said it. F you, dad. See, what I hear is, you've never accepted or liked me, dad,

because you know why? That's what my son was thinking when he was little. You've never accepted or liked me, dad. You've always liked my brother more. I can never live up to your expectations. So just F you, right? That's a pleading tone. That's the voice of a broken relationship. And so in this instance, it is not the disrespect and defiance that needs to be addressed. Rather, it is the pain of a broken relationship that needs to be addressed. And we'll deal in another podcast with just pure outright defiance and disrespect, but that's not what's happening here. So in this case, I was just beginning to mentor this family. And so when I do mentoring with parents, I say, hey, if you've got a situation that's going on,

text me in the moment, right? And if I'm not like super busy or doing something else and I can respond to you, I will in the moment so that we can deal with this while it's actually happening. And so I was actually able to walk this dad through what to do in this situation. And so what I encourage dad to do is like, you've got to take some time to calm down and process this. So here's what happened. Dad does take some time, right? After he's yelled and he screamed and he's threatened all the consequences, he resets himself. It's important moms and dads learn how to reset yourself. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to react and respond in exactly the

right way every time. But when you do mess up, which you will, I want you to learn how to reset yourself so you don't double down and keep escalating it, right? Because we do that. I used to do that all the time. I was like, oh, as long as I messed up for the night, may as well just double down and lay into my son for all the things I'm resentful for. It's already going to be 30 minutes messed up. Maybe we may as well just make it four hours and screw up the whole night. That's what I was thinking at time because I couldn't calm myself down, but I finally learned how to reset myself. So dad does something important here that's really hard. He humbles himself because humility is a powerful and I would say necessary tool with a strong-willed child. I have no other way to say this. You can and will feel justified yelling and getting all over your

strong-willed child. You will be justified. You can justify it inside and other people will say, yep, he sure was a jerk. He was disrespectful and defiant. You're justified. But that never leads to a good outcome. It doesn't mean it works or it's right. Humility though breaks down walls and leads the child to contrition.

So dad walks upstairs. The weight of years of a broken relationship making each step heavy and pregnant with regret with anger foreboding right this is for some of you with your kids it's years of this and you don't know what to do and some of you it's a regret of like oh I'm listening to your podcast now and I've realized I've done some damage here. It's not too late. It's not too late. But you're going to feel that and it's heavy.

And guess what? Your child feels the same thing. And now dad knocks on the door. And this is a subtle act of respect for his son's privacy, even though it's not warranted after what just happened. I want to say that again. This dad had every right to march up those stairs and barge through the bedroom door that he paid for because it's his home

and because of what his son had just said to him. He's got every right to do that. I couldn't blame him for that. Justified. But in this situation, we're not after being right. You've got to let go of being right. I don't know why, but that's making me want to choke up a little bit. And so there's something to it for a mom or dad out there. Because it's like, I want to double down like, well, I'm right in doing this. Relationships aren't about being,

and I want to swear right now just to emphasize this with an F word, right in doing this. Relationships aren't about being, and I want to swear right now just to emphasize this with an F word, but I'm not. Relationships aren't about being right. They're about doing the right thing. It's a relationship. You're not trying to prove a point here. You're not going to have relationships, good relationships, if that's the goal. It's not about being right in the situation. It's not about being right in the situation. It's about doing the right thing. So the dad knocks on the door. And this is a subtle act of respect for a son who does not warrant that.

But he does it anyway because that's humility. That is taking the first step to saying, if I walk in justified, my relationship with this child is pretty much over. But the dad realizes that. And so I said, knock on the door. And he says, and he doesn't walk in. The dad stays outside the room because walking in through the door in this situation, there's too much tension. It's too heavy. It's too much. Neither of them can stand to look at each other right now. So the dad does the smart thing and he stands outside the door. And I guarantee what the dad is going through is, oh, this kid, I'm owed an apology right here. I shouldn't be having to do this right now. And he's right about that. But he humbles himself and says, son,

sorry I yelled at you and said those things. I was wrong. And I'm sorry for how I've treated you so differently. I'm going to leash up the dogs right now and go for a walk and if you want to come join me I promise I won't lecture you and I'll listen to you and then dad walks away and he feels humiliated he does because that kid is supposed to respect him as the authority figure and the father in the home he shouldn't be having to do this. So he feels humiliated and he feels conflicted because this isn't the way you were raised by your parents, is it? But he leashes up the dogs and he stands outside in the Minnesota cold. Why should I be the one apologizing? Why isn't this kid right down here? What am I going to say to him? This is hard

stuff, but it's important. And after a little while, his son slinks outside, just as uncomfortable, just as awkward, just as embarrassed. Look, this kid knows that when he dropped the F-bomb on his dad, that there was going to be heck to pay for that notice how i just cleaned up my language a little bit so he knew that this kid isn't coming out right now all proud of like you deserved dad because the father led him to contrition and they begin walking without saying a word not knowing who's going to break the ice and finally the son says dad I feel like you don't like me as much as you like my brother there he said what's been lying underneath the surface for years and I want to point something out

here that is a real dynamic because you're gonna think like oh no way the son's gonna do that not true not guaranteeing you're going to think like, oh, no way the son's going to do that. Not true. I'm not guaranteeing it's going to happen. But here's what happened in our home. I was an old school dad. My dad taught me fear and intimidation, my way or the highway approach. I didn't have these tools in these skills. I didn't know how to humble myself.

I didn't know how to connect emotionally. I didn't know any of this stuff. So when these situations would happen with Casey, guess who was the first one that came and tried to restore the relationship? It was not me. It was the strong will kid who you could say, well, he was the one that destroyed the relationship in the first place by being so difficult and defiant. No, he was the one that came and said, dad, we need to talk. You know why? Because there was a yearning in my son. My son wanted to have a good relationship with me, but I didn't know how to do it. So he would actually come sometimes. He was actually the one who at times humbled himself, said, dad, we need to talk. We're fine. We're fine. Everything's okay. I'll talk to you

later. Those were my responses at first. And Casey, part of his strong will was that relentless nature to say, no, we need to talk about this. You know why? Because he was desperate. He was desperate for my acceptance and my affection and me and knowing that I believed in him and that I was connected to him. He knew that on a deep level that you've got to have that. And so he came to me. So when this kid came outside and he initiated and said, dad, I feel like you don't like me as much as my brother. That happens sometimes because these kids want this. It's just scary. And I'll mention this.

There's no blame and no guilt. But guys, we're scary sometimes. We put our wives, we put our kids off. We build these walls around us. We get kind of gruff. And we make it hard for them to approach us. And so you know what we're doing? We're creating the very outcome that we kind of want because this is so uncomfortable. So when that child doesn't come out to you, then you can say, see, I offered. I went outside and stood in

the cold, waited for the kid to do it. He wouldn't even come out and do it. See, now I'm justified. Screw him and forget this. I did my part. My dad never did this for me. See, you create the very outcome that you want that makes you comfortable. And I want you to be uncomfortable. For those of you who are Christians, who are religious, let me address it this way. Look up sometime the story. And even if you're not, just look up these stories.

Take it out of the religious element, just look up these stories. Take it out of the religious element and just look at these stories. They were written thousands of years ago. Take them as reflecting human nature and the civilization and the society at the time. They're valuable stories even to read from a psychological perspective. So if you were to dust off that old book and you looked up Luke 15, you'll see a story of a father with two sons. And it's the story of the prodigal son and the one son who took his father's money, his inheritance early and went and blew it on really bad stuff. I can't even, I was once asked to speak at a church once, right? I've done a few times on Sunday morning and they're like, hey, will you do this Sunday morning? And I was like, I am not a pastor and

my language isn't always awesome. So I did it on this story and I was just, I was in such a good mood. I liked the pastor there. And so I had said, Hey, what this son did was, I can't say it anyway, but it was bad stuff. It wasn't like, Oh, he went out and he had a couple drinks and he just, no, he did the bad stuff, but he came home, this son, when he hit rock bottom at the end of the story, he comes slinking home just like the kid in this story did. And you know what hit me? He came home because his father had created the environment in which he knew, in which the son knew, I can go home to this dad because I know he's going to be disappointed, but he's going to forgive me and he's going to heal the relationship. See, when I first read that story many years ago,

you know what I thought was going to happen? I pictured my dad because if I had done the same thing, my dad would not have walked down the driveway and thrown his arms around me. He would have been walking down the driveway with a belt in his hand about to teach me a lesson and saying, yeah, you're going to pay for this emotionally and physically for quite a while, young man, because you took my money do you know how much you call how much worry you caused your mother and my dad and I would have done the same thing to Casey had I not changed but the dad in the story made it easy for the child to come home and humble himself moms and dads make it easy for your kids to come and tell you the truth. We just

did that one this fall on kids lying. Kids lie sometimes and it's a trust issue. It's a trust issue sometimes because they can't trust you. Because when they come and tell you the truth, if you overreact and shame them, they're not coming to you. So in this story, this dad, they keep walking and this son opens up and says, dad, I feel like you don't like me. And now dad seizes the opportunity to say, son, I love you every bit as much as I love your brother. I just have a hard time connecting with you. And I'm sorry for that. And in this situation, he said, I see so much of myself in you. I see so much of myself in you. And it brings back all the pain I've experienced. And I see you making the same mistakes that hurt

me. And I don't want you to make those mistakes because I do love you. And so I'm tougher on you. And I haven't always done this right. But if you'll give me a chance, I'd like to start over. I'd like to see if we can start doing one thing together that you really enjoy. Now, I know this sounds like a Hallmark movie, but it's not. It's real life. And the conversation will be awkward. But the humility of the father breaks down the walls and his son says, I'm sorry for that calling you those names, dad. I'm sorry that I have been difficult. I'm sorry for the language I use with you. And they begin to actually, for the first time, have an actual conversation. And so this particular act of disrespect gets redeemed. It gets to lead to

the healing of a broken relationship and a lot of pain. But if you just dig in, it will lead to a lifetime of very real hurt. So I'll give you a couple tips, dads and moms, when you've had this broken relationship. And you're going to hear about this. And I do mean this, especially if you're in this situation. Look, you can even either spend thousands of dollars on therapy and all kinds of stuff going wrong with your teenage child when they feel like this, or you can heal the relationship. And I want you to invest in the programs. And a couple of things you'll hear are this, to rebuild the relationship. I want you to find one thing your child is interested in

and you take an interest in that even if you hate what they're interested in because I guarantee you're not gonna like their music. You're not gonna like their video games. You're not gonna like the stuff they're in. Take an interest in it. It's what is meaningful to them. Step out of your comfort zone and do that.

And here's another cool one. Let your child teach you something that they're good at because their entire childhood is built around mom and dad teaching and parents teaching that teachers teaching them what they're not good at and showing them what to do. And when you open yourself up and you let your child teach you something, there is something very magical and beautiful that happens. Look, sometimes the worst moments of defiance can lead to the greatest bonding and learning opportunities. I nearly destroyed my relationship with Casey, but now we are tight. We are so close now precisely because

we did fight, but we fought through this to learn how to understand each other. It is one of the most gratifying things in my life. You can do this, right? But if you can't control yourself, this is gonna lead to the destruction of your family and I don't want that. So I want you to dig into the programs, invest in them. If you're a guy listening,

oh, you're always still in your programs, invest in it. You need to do this. I'm gonna talk to you directly. Stop being a cheapskate. Every time your wife is like, honey, could we, could we listen to these? I think they're real. Oh, we don't need any help. That's just self-help. Yeah. While your relationship is falling apart. So dig into the programs because they will change you and show you exactly how to do this in dozens of situations. If you want me to personally mentor you, I can do that through the phone

consultations, but I'd rather you work through these programs because they lay out exactly how to do it. Go to CelebrateCalm.com, order it. You can download it instantly to your phone. You listen on an easy app. You get to listen. Your spouse gets to listen. You can share this with your kids, with your parents, with your teachers. If you need some help, let us know. Reach out to Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. Love you all. Bye-bye.