Calm Parenting Podcast - Change Behavior ASAP At Home & School: 3 Quick Tips

Episode Date: January 1, 2025

Change Behavior ASAP At Home & School: 3 Quick Tips You're out of sync, tired, overwhelmed and secretly can't wait for your kids to go back to school after a long holiday break! So how can we get some positive momentum to begin 2025? Kirk gives you three concrete strategies and scripts that change behavior at home AND in the classroom. Begin 2025 with hundreds of practical strategies that really work with your strong-willed kids. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/calm-2025/ to take advantage of our New Year's Sale and make 2025 DIFFERENT. AG1 AG1 is offering new subscribers a FREE $76 gift when you sign up. You’ll get a Welcome Kit, a bottle of D3 & K2 AND 5 free travel packs in your first box. Go to https://drinkag1.com/calm  HAPPY MAMMOTH Get 15% off on your entire first order at https://HappyMammoth.com with the code CALM at checkout.  HUNGRYROOT.COM Get 40% off your first box PLUS get a free item in every box for life. Go to https://hungryroot.com/ and use code CALM. ONE SKIN Go to https://oneskin.co and use code KIRK at checkout for an exclusive 15% off your first purchase. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Get groceries delivered across the GTA from real Canadian Superstore with PC Express. Shop online for super prices and super savings. Try it today and get up to $75 in PC Optimum Points. Visit superstore.ca to get started. Okay secretly, how many of you can't wait for your kids to go back to school? Look, don't feel guilty about that. Your kids maybe can't wait to go back to school to get away from their siblings and you because it's hard. It's New Year's

Day for the last couple of weeks. Kids have been out of school. You've been off of work. Everybody's been together, but your schedules are all messed up. You've been traveling. There's all this emotion. You're out of sync eating the wrong things. And so here's what I want to do. I want to start the new year on a positive note I want to give you three very specific things you can do at home and also in school so we can get some positive Momentum heading into the new year because even though it's new year Everything like all the issues haven't gone away So that's what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our New Year sale

at CelebrateCalm.com. So three things at home and school. One, connect and control yourself. Two, create successes. And three, affirm positive choices and behavior. So at home, let's start with connection. There are a hundred different things you can do, but remember, connection usually breeds more cooperation and that relationships change behavior. You've seen this over the holidays. On those days where you were just a little bit on edge and your tone got a little bit shorter, it affected your kids behavior. But when you were relaxed, when you reset yourself, it changed their behavior. So positive, remember our kids

aren't just looking for our attention. They want our intense emotional engagement. And that's where, look, even spending three minutes being really engaged asking questions being curious about something they're interested in and I would take that a step further and say bond over something that usually irritates you now I've done this in the past I'm not gonna do big examples right now but I want to just plant that seed like even take them interest in things You don't like like your kids music like they're I'll give you one that you're gonna hate They're video games and instead of just like oh you guys play too much. Why do you always do that say hey?

I'm curious. What is it about this particular video game that you that that you find so Intriguing that you find so challenging. What is it about that? What is it about that music that you find so intriguing, that you find so challenging. What is it about that? What is it about that music that you listen to? What do you love about it? And just be curious. Don't try to convince them that it's wrong and it's ruining their childhood. Just be curious about it with some measure of intensity. Also throw them off because instead of lecturing them, you are now taking an interest in something they're passionate about.

With older kids, ask them to teach you something and show you something. Maybe it is something with technology. It's a great bonding tool. And let's learn how to control ourselves. Look, that's a big thing. And in early January, throughout January, I'm going to do a series of podcasts on learning how to break some of those patterns, a lot of those childhood issues, so that we can stop the reactivity, the yelling, the

lecturing, because it just doesn't work. And so some of this is from patterns in our childhood. Oh, by the way, big announcement. Over the holidays, over the holidays, I just completely re-engineered, re-told, reworked the 30 Days to Calm program. It's about breaking generational patterns. So if you have our programs, go into your SoundWise app, go into the app and you'll see a new recording, a new workbook and it's called New 30 Days to Calm.

It's completely different than the one before. Because I've updated everything, I added, hey, dealing with childhood patterns and roles that we brought from childhood into our adult life that is sabotaging our relationships, moms especially who take the constantly taking the temperature of your home, how to deal with your triggers. It's all new. I'm super excited about this. So go even if you went through that before, go through it again because it's so much of it is brand new. And if you don't have it,

go to the website and get that. This 30 days to call is included in all of our programs but here's what I want to start the new year with. Let's start with something easy and get a win. Look I'm not a big fan of new year's resolutions. Why? Because everybody does them and nobody keeps them. Goals are fine but some goals you hit some goals you don't. I prefer to make commitments because if I make a commitment to my wife, to my kids, to my friends, oh I keep my commitment because that's about my personal integrity and it shows that I value them. So I'd rather you make some commitments and shorten the duration, right? Like this year I'm going to stop yelling

and break all my generational patterns. That's an awesome goal. But let's start with something a little bit easier, like, hey, for the next two weeks, every time I feel compelled, because that's what your anxiety does, it makes you feel compelled to do this. There's no peace in lecturing or yelling.

Every time I wanna lecture or yell, instead, I'm going to sit this. There's no peace in lecturing or yelling. Every time I want to lecture or yell, instead I'm going to sit down. Now I know that sounds too simple and you want more, which is fine. I give you more, but I want to start with something you can do because look it's not just about like I'm going to stop doing X. Whenever you have to stop doing something, you have to start doing something differently and sitting down is something that you can do just about anywhere you are it will change Your tone of voice look it is virtually impossible to sit and yell at someone right like even if you're Italian That is hard to do so sit because when you sit you will begin to reset yourself

So sit, because when you sit, you will begin to reset yourself and you'll start to see the situation differently. And then you can change your tone of voice to the calm even matter of fact, then you can begin to lead and problem solve. But let's just begin very simply, hey, I just changed one thing and just watch how your kids,

watch how their behavior and their response changes when you sit and even when you use that even matter of fact tone. Okay, number two, create successes. Now look, here's the thing, consequences tend not to work that well and those red, yellow and green behavior charts that we use in schools, they don't work.

Partly because your kid walks into school, they're already on yellow, right? They know they're never getting to green, so they figure, hey, if I'm gonna be on red today, I may as well just double down and make it a really bad day. And so the reason is this, there are two ways to handle misbehavior. One is to, you wait, the child misbehaves does something wrong and then you react

and punish the child with a consequence. But what we're doing is we're basically punishing a child for failing or look I know my kids I know my students struggle with this. So what if I proactively give them a tool to succeed? And so here are some tools you can use in your home. Give your kids missions. This week as you're kind of getting ready to go back to school and get back in the flow, give your kids some missions, doing things that they're just naturally good at doing.

One of those things is adult type jobs. Your strong willed kids are not always good at being a kid, but they're really good in the adult world. So actually asking them to cook a meal, just don't expect them to follow a recipe or clean up that well, but cooking a meal. We work with families whose kids change the oil or do landscaping stuff because they like digging in the dirt. It's very sensory.

Helping you at your job. We have kids who will enter things into an Excel spreadsheet because they're really good at doing that. So look for some different types of missions, jobs, and challenges that your kids can do that they're actually good at good at doing. I like making things a challenge. I love having that treasure hunt in the morning, right, where you wake your kids up and you're like, hey, hid your food, hid a favorite toy in the basement, in the backyard, but you can't find it. Gets their brains moving, gets them focused and focused on completing a specific task and I also like for success is sensory exercise

many of your kids have sensory issues their bodies crave physical pressure so younger kids I love having an obstacle course in the basement or backyard things they have to climb under crawl over pull. It's why many of your kids, they don't really do well at team sports all the time, so they're better at individual sports. So martial arts classes, rock climbing, anything that is very physical, climbing trees is very helpful for these kids swimming. So those are ways that you create successes in your home so that you have an opportunity, more of an opportunity to do the third thing, which is affirm your kids for what they're already doing well. And look, when you praise your kids, a couple things about praise, look, praise is just a simple acknowledgement of the truth. Hey, you did that really well. Hey, I like how you handled that. And you don't make a big deal out of

it with strong willed kids because if we do the whole thing like, oh honey, you just made a great choice, right? It sounds like we never thought you'd actually make a good choice and you just did so we're going to have a party. And it draws too much attention to them, which they do not like in this sense. And it also creates pressure. And they'll often reject your praise because what they're saying inside is, no, no, no, now there's pressure

because you're going to expect me to always make a good choice. See, I like it to be very low key. I like planting seeds. Hey, nice job how you handled that. Fist bump and then walk away. Create some space. Right? I love, hey, I saw how your sister was irritating you and you just walked away. Shows me you're growing up. Hey, I heard you playing the board game with your brother and I know that you lost and you started to complain but then you said good game man a lot of adults can't do that

fist bump walk away you praise is not hard you don't have to think you're just simply acknowledging what they're already doing well hey I like how you handle that start noticing hey I like your creativity I like that you look here's one I'll challenge you with. Hey, you know what I like about you and what I admire? You stand up for yourself. You're willing to speak up and you do challenge me and sometimes you do it in a way that is disrespectful,

but much of the time, the arguments that you have are actually very well thought out, which tells me you have really good critical thinking skills and that's what companies value. So I like how you think and I can show you how to do it without losing all your stuff, right? But you're not making a big deal out of it. I love this one for little kids.

And I think I mentioned this in an Instagram video a couple of weeks ago. I spy play. I spy. You know what? You're sitting around the table. You're in the car, whatever you say. Play I Spy. You know what? You're sitting around the table, you're in the car, whatever, you say, I spy a girl in a blue shirt who is amazing at building and tinkering with things, who has this amazing engineering brain. I spy a boy in

a red shirt who's incredibly creative, pictures things in his brain and then creates them. And even with older kids, you could do it with like a middle school kid. I spy a teenager in the same hoodie sweatshirt for 18 straight days who crushes it when playing video games and is trying to suppress a smile through his scowl right now. Make it fun with your kids, relax a little bit because when you relax and enjoy them, I guarantee the discipline gets much easier. Okay, what about doing this in the school setting?

So here's how we can apply these same principles in school. Look, can you imagine being a teacher after the kids have been out of school for two weeks on that first morning? It's hard. And so I like working with teachers. And most of the time you can. I know there are some teachers that are kind of rigid. But here's an example. Here are a few examples.

You could begin the new year by sending the teacher a note or going in and talking to the teacher and saying something like, Hey, Mrs. Henderson, I appreciate how challenging it can be to teach and parent, you know, kids like ours. You and I have the same, we share the same goal to ensure that our child is a curious student who loves to learn. What we've discovered is that our son, our daughter, doesn't respond well to consequences or timeouts, shuts down when they're overwhelmed or things get negative, and is struggling with feeling like no one likes him or her. Our typical discipline tools are not working at home either. So could we try something different for the next two weeks and see if we can make progress. See, I like setting it up like that of saying like,

hey, you're not alone. Like we struggle with him at home, you're struggling at school. And so can we try something different at home and at school to see if it works because the red, yellow, green behavior charts aren't working. So here are some ideas for,

remember our three things connection. Look as soon as our daughter walks into the classroom could you ask her about something she's interested in. It's very simple to ask about their favorite sports team a toy their dog a favorite flavor of ice cream connect over something you know something you could do with a teacher is see if you can find something That your child and the teacher Something they share in common something they're both kind of into because when you share a common interest It's much easier to have a connection with that person. Maybe they both love pepperoni pizza favorite movie That sometimes can

help, but even as a teacher, when we had kids come to our house for these camps back in the day, I knew that they were anxious and the first thing that I did I'd look for something they're wearing on their shirt or something they brought if it was like a Star Wars shirt. I was like, oh who's your favorite character? And as soon as I connected with them you could see they would just relax from that simple connection. Tools to succeed in the classroom. It could be this, hey could you give our son a job, a mission every morning doing something he's good at doing that makes him feel helpful and needed because

that builds confidence. It helps with anxiety when you tell a child, hey, I could really use your help moving those heavy books from the back of the room to my desk, right? Being able to say, hey, I could really use your help. Honey, you are so so creative do you think you could help create a sign for our upcoming event could you help could you help that new girl in class feel comfortable perhaps it's just doing something physical for the teacher moving something in the room because that kind of mission gets their brain focused on completing a specific task. They're often good at it. And our kids like challenges, right?

Hey, you know what? The other kids are adding, adding two digit numbers. Think you can add these three digit numbers. Hey, bet you can't do X. See, I like challenges like that in the classroom. So we've been through before having a blue backpack and a red backpack in the back of the room with books in them and saying,

oh, I could really use your help. Hey, could you go take that red backpack next to the teacher next door? And then when the child gets there, he brings the other backpack back to the room. He's meeting some sensory needs by carrying a heavy backpack. He's completing a specific job. It takes less than 60 seconds, but I just created

a success which allows me to do the third thing which is affirm for the good choices the kids are making to counterbalance the negatives. Look, there's absolutely no way you can keep a child engaged in class learning when it's always negative, negative, negative. We have to find and catch them doing things well. Hey, that was a really good choice. I appreciate you doing that. Man, you are so helpful.

Remember, I've done the example of a kid who's, let's say, blurting out in class. Well, I don't just say, well, it's okay. I know you have ADHD, so that's hard for you. I don't make excuses for kids. But I can pull them aside and say, hey, I know why you blurt out. Because you've got this really amazing brain, and you're thinking of ideas all the time.

You're like the next generation Steve Jobs, Jobs who's going to come up with some kind of really cool invention. And you think of these ideas, but you do struggle with short-term memory. So you get this idea in the middle of class, and then you're afraid you're gonna forget it. So then you blurt out. Well, blurting out is not acceptable in my class. See how I even said that? That's not acceptable in my class. I didn't say, you know what? you always blurt out. That's rude.

See, once you go with a snotty tone with a strong willed child and you go negative, they're like, it's kind of like screw you. I'm not going to work hard for you. But I come alongside and I say, I know what's going on in your brain. You've got a really cool brain. I like your brain. I want your ideas. So here's the tool I'm going to give you. And we've talked before about giving kids three talk tickets, little cardboard tickets that they can redeem in class. So when, when not if, they want to share their amazing off-topic idea and blur it out because it's always off-topic. Instead they get to hold up a talk ticket and the teacher can say either, hey go ahead

share your idea or zip hold hold it till after class. Cause I can't wait to hear it, but I want you to learn some self control and impulse control because now I'm teaching them how to do it instead of just saying, Hey, if you keep blurting out my class, you miss recess or the class field trip. See that doesn't work, but now I'm giving the child tools. I'm explaining how their brain works. I'm doesn't work, but now I'm giving the child tools. I'm explaining how their brain works. I'm letting them know, yeah you just struggle in this area, but you're really

strong in this other area. See that's a beautiful thing to do with our kids and now I'm giving them a tool and so I can say, hey you know what was really cool back in math class is you wanted to blurt out, you started to blurt out, but instead you held up your talk ticket. Man, that's called self-control. That is awesome. Or I've had teachers create a little box, an idea box on their desk and the child, when they're getting one of their ideas, can just scribble a quick note on a piece of paper that has a little light bulb on the top of it and then put it in that idea box and then every day after lunch the teacher pulls things out of that idea box and they're mainly just notes 18 notes from this one child who's got a very active brain and the teacher gets to read those

out and and share them with the class and it's like that child who is um reading a book in the middle of math class and instead of just correcting them you know what it's math class You're not supposed to be reading. See, as soon as you go with that tone, I'm done. I am a grown man. If you use that tone with me, my first instinct is screw you. I'm not gonna listen to anything you say. But if you were to say, hey, you know what I love about you? You're curious. The reason you're reading is because you're curious. I wish all the kids were as curious as you. Hey, it's math class so you need to put away your book, but in 15 minutes

we'll have time to read. Or after lunch, if you want to share with the class what book you're reading and why you're so into it, man, I'd love to spark that curiosity in everybody else. See, there's a way to do this where you're not just shutting them down. You're not just shaming your kids. Part of this is teaching your kids how their brains work and that reminded me I got this really cool email from this mom and I just want to encourage you with this and she said Kirk no one ever gave me permission And she said, Kirk, no one ever gave me permission to listen to parenting information with my kids around. I have very little free time when my kids aren't around

and after they go to bed, I just want to relax. The fact that you encouraged me to listen to your programs, and if you don't have our programs, listen to the podcast with your kids around, totally freed me. Before, I had been under the assumption that parenting was like being the wizard of Oz. We show our kids the great and powerful Oz, but try to hide the vulnerable human behind the curtain. I hadn't even realized that I

was thinking that way. Why not let my kids see me trying to improve my parenting? What a great lesson to teach them. Relationships require effort and we have to work to make them better. I can show them that I love myself and them enough to put effort into it. Plus they can see that their inner struggles and our conflicts at home aren't isolated. Everybody deals with fears. Everybody has weaknesses and strengths and anxiety and we need to learn better how to deal with them. So thank you. So I love that. I love kids listening to our podcast, listening to the programs because it will spark interesting conversations but don't be surprised when they're like, mom, dad, that's you. You do that. You lecture all the time.

Is that your anxiety? Right. And now you can own it. Say, yes, that's where it comes from. And I'm trying to break that. And then once you own your own issues, it makes it much easier to help them deal with theirs because you're normalizing the fact that we're all flawed human beings and we have issues to work on and then they get to see you living that out right in front of them. That is the one thing that probably changed Casey more than anything else is him watching me wrestle with my own issues. It's not like it's it's not like it's a shock or like really I didn't

realize mom and dad, that you struggled with that. Of course, they've watched you yell, listen to you lecture for years. And you do that because you love your kids. But it's a new year, and it's time to break those patterns. So, let's do this. Let's focus this coming week.

What are we going to do? We're gonna focus on three things. We're gonna connect with our kids. We're gonna learn to control ourselves. And. We're going to connect with our kids. We're going to learn to control ourselves, and then we're going to create successes with our kids and then affirm them just for the good choices they're making. Okay, love you moms and dads. Respect you so much for working so hard. If we can help you, just let us know. Talk to you soon. Bye.