Calm Parenting Podcast - Change Your Child by Changing Yourself First

Episode Date: April 18, 2019

Really want to stop the power struggles with your kids? Kirk has a challenge: for the next 3 days, control your own anxiety over your child’s behavior and watch what happens. Lecturing kids tells them, “You aren’t capable of being successful without me.” When you get on your kids about every little thing, they don’t thank you for being so conscientious! They fight you. When you react to them pushing your buttons, they are now in control of you! The truth is that YOU create so many power struggles over issues that don’t matter. All because of your own anxiety. So let’s break this generational pattern for good! Go through the 30 Days to Calm program and get our 3 most popular programs FREE: https://www.celebratecalm.com/calm30-free/ Need help with products or want to book Kirk to speak in your town? Email [e-mail] call 888-506-1871. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Hey everyone, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. Just wanted to do a quick encouraging podcast for you because we're heading into a holiday weekend and I know when you get together with family there's extra pressure, right, because there's all these expectations of your parents and all the families together and you want your kids to look nice and to behave well and you might be going to church and the more pressure there is the more

you want your kids to behave the worse they are right in front of everybody else and then you start to get embarrassed by their behavior and so your tone gets a little bit short and you start talking like this and say you better stop that we're not going to act like that right and then and then it just ah before you know it like on Easter right? And then it just, ah, before you know it, like on Easter, right, when we're supposed to be celebrating your faith, you're like losing it and screaming in the church parking lot or in front of family, and then you storm out the whole weekend's ruined. Anyway, so I get that. So I want to give you some encouragement on how to do that differently. But you guys know this because it's pretty much everyday stuff, right? But before I get to that, I want to make one quick note, which is we do

live events all over the world. And where we don't often go, we tend to go overseas more than we do to the West Coast for some reason. And usually the way it works, we're not on the West Coast until like the end of the school year. And so it doesn't work out. But this year, we're doing something different. We've carved out some time in October, which is prime time for our events because school has just started back. It's time for you to see that your kids are struggling, teachers are struggling, so we can come in, do parent workshops, teacher workshops, school assemblies. And so if you are out west, if you're in California, in Arizona, in Utah, in Colorado, New Mexico, it doesn't matter, all out west, all throughout Texas, we're going to be out that way. And so I want you to reach out to my son.

His name is Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. He's the reason we do Celebrate Calm, because he's just like your strong-willed child. But he'll help you out, because we would love to start coming out there more. But here's the deal. We go where we're asked to go. So people are like, why don't you come here? Well, because you didn't ask us to to and you didn't get off. Sorry, I was going to say, you didn't get off your butt and do something, right? So here's how it works. We just don't like load up the car or hop on a plane and go show up somewhere, right?

You've got to, it's not that hard to do. You know, if you look at our schedule, we're in a lot of really small towns, places that don't have a lot of money, but they value it and they pull together and we have these huge, awesome events and it impacts people. It changes people's lives. That's why we do it. And the live events are a ton of fun, really impactful. And it's great because dads often reluctantly come out. And when they hear another guy talk about his own struggles and the fact that I had a career military father and I used to yell and scream at Casey, they can really

identify with it. So anyway, it doesn't matter where you are. Next week, by the way, we're speaking in Minneapolis. We're in Minnesota and Wisconsin. So come on out to a live event. They're pretty cool. But if you want help setting that up, reach out. We've been told by all of our hosts that we are really, really, really easy to work with. We're very good at communication. We're very good at promoting events, doing the flyers. We take care of all the details so you don't really have to do a whole lot. And we will turn people out.

It will be the best PTA or church event you've done all year because whenever you put a sign up that says stop defiance, disrespect, and power struggles or stop yelling and power struggles, people tend to show up. And anyway, just reach out. We'd love to look if you if you schedule stuff out there, we'll come and then it builds and we start coming there more. But anyway, we'll come anywhere. So anywhere so just let us know so anyway you know how this works right so what I want to talk about is like your own anxiety and control issues because look at a typical day in your life right when your son I'm just gonna call him Jacob when Jacob doesn't get out of bed you get anxious that he's

going to miss the bus right so you start Jacob come on get it get it let's go let's go let's go and now Sarah won't eat and now she going to miss the bus, right? So you start, Jacob, come on, get it, get it. Let's go, let's go, let's go. And now Sarah won't eat. And now she's going to be unhealthy or get sick. Your son's worn the same hoodie sweatshirt for 17 straight days. And now it's cold in the morning and he wants to wear shorts and he won't wear that jacket.

So you've got the big power struggle right over that. And you end up lying to your son and saying, oh, you can't wear shorts. You need to wear a jacket or else you're going to catch a cold. And you know that's not true because you don't catch a cold from cold weather. It's from germs. The truth is, I don't want the other parents and teachers to think I'm a bad mother sending my child to school like this. But it doesn't matter. Just look. So you get all over them on that, right? Now, Sarah won't brush her teeth or her hair. As you're rushing out the door, she remembers one final thing she just has to do before she leaves.

And now you're out in the driveway honking the horn, waking the neighbors up. Great. Now you're on the way to work. There's a traffic jam. You're going to be late. So you grip the wheel tighter. You ride the guy's bumper ahead of you, all tense. Your kids try to talk to you, but you snap back because you're still upset about their

dawdling. Yeah, we'll talk about this tonight, you snap, as you drop your kids off at school. Now you feel guilty as you rush to work, afraid your boss will be mad again. Your mother's pressuring you to visit for the holidays, but you don't really want to go. You're getting the usual guilt trips, and you'll probably give in. The PTA and church committee keep asking you to volunteer because they need help after all, and you're the responsible one.

You know what? The Johnson's kids are taking piano, and they actually practice. Your kids don't. And they're taking an extra language after school. If they can do it, why can't your kids? What if you're not doing enough for them? What if they can't get into the right prep school? Will you be a failure as a parent?

Heck, you're not sure whether you'll need that money for college or bail given your son's behavior. Oh, that's right. You don't have money set aside for college anyway. The braces, the new roof, summer camp, therapy, and car repairs have eaten away at that. Your house never seems clean enough. Why can't your kids clean their bedrooms so you don't have to badger them? Now you're dreading the battle over homework. You end up frustrated standing over your child scolding.

You know what, if you would just focus, you'd be done in 45 minutes instead of it taking three hours. Here come the tears. Now you forgot to lay the chicken out, so you're back to mac and cheese again. Again. And your kids still complain. Dad's getting irritated because Jacob can't sit still at the dinner table. You know, you need to sit still at the dinner table. We're going to enjoy dinner together as a family, right?

That never works. Mom's getting anxious because she's sensing the coming explosion. And now she has to run her interference between dad and the kids. It's a horrible place to be because now if you stand up for the kids, you're undermining your husband's authority. If you're a single mom in this scene, you don't have any backup. It's you against two or three kids. How does that work out?

Now you have to help your daughter with that project that's busy work anyway. So the dishes sit in the sink for a while. What would your mother say? She never seen this frazzled. What would your mother say? She never seemed this frazzled. What are you doing wrong? You decide that you'll finish up the project for Sarah because it's bath time, another power struggle, and then bedtime, an even bigger power struggle. Only Jacob has trouble sleeping and you threaten him repeatedly to get in your room now. Good. Let's end the day the same way we started, with some guilt. What kind of bad parent are you that your kids won't eat, sleep, do their homework, or listen to you?

Listen, you're not a bad parent. Can you just see how much emotional, mental, and physical energy this anxiety takes from you? It's exhausting. And worse yet, it can destroy the very relationships you cherish the most. So if you've listened to us, you know that our big focus is the quickest way to change a child's behavior is to first control your own. You can only control one person in life, and that's in yourself. And when you do that,

your kids' responses and reactions will begin to change, but you must control your own. And it's a huge opportunity because you actually get to break generational patterns and create a new family tree. Break the pattern you got from, right? For me, it was from my dad, right? He was the my way or highway, scream and yell, kind of fear and intimidation approach. And I had to break that pattern in my life. Otherwise, it would keep going down through the kids for generations. And for some of you, it's lecturing. It's getting on your kids. It's the mommy lectures. It's always talking, always talking, always badgering because that's what your mom did. And then using guilt trips, after all I do for you. You've got to break those patterns, right? And so just look, just look at the practical side of this.

Your anxiety over your kid's behavior, your anxiety over their future, never, ever, ever helps or works. In fact, your anxiety causes the exact opposite response you want from your kids. When you say, move, move, get in the car, come on, come on, move, move, move, move, instead of running more quickly, your kids move more slowly. Why? Because they know that when you're in an anxious mode, nothing they do will please you. When you lecture kids constantly, it backfires. They ignore you and discount what you say because the more words you use, the less valuable they become. When you get on your kids about every little thing, they don't thank you for being so conscientious. They fight you. And when you react to them pushing your buttons, they are now in control of you. The truth is that you create so many power struggles

over issues that don't matter. And it's not because you're a bad person. It's because of your own anxiety. And your anxiety hurts your relationships. Because when you lecture, it sends this message to your kids. I don't trust you to make a good decision, so I'm going to keep badgering you. You can't actually do it on your own. After all, what would I do if I didn't have to be responsible for you? See, this isn't really about you, son. It's about me. You're saying this. I don't actually believe you can be successful. I spend 95% of my energy trying to fix what's wrong with you instead of spending that time cultivating your natural gifts and passions. Because of my anxiety over your future, I'm going to harp on you over and over again. So no, I don't really trust that you have what it takes and I'm more

worried about my own legacy because if you don't turn out well, then I will have been a failure and I can't live with that. You're also saying this. This problem isn't really yours. It's mine. I have this vision of how life was supposed to be and I have this agenda and I feel compelled to make our family life perfect, but I can't. And so I'm going to try to make all these little insignificant things just so because that will give me the illusion that things are actually okay, right? Some of you have your identity wrapped up in your kid's behavior. When they don't do things the right way, i.e. your way, you take it as a personal affront. After all I've done for you, I've tried to teach you to be kind and responsible and you

can't even. See, when you hear yourself using the guilt trip, then you know your anxiety is out of control. Look, anxiety keeps you from enjoying daily life because you're so wrapped up in making sure everything goes perfectly. You can't enjoy yourself. There's always something else to do, always more drama. And because your central nervous system is on high alert all the time, you become exhausted. You may not sleep well. You can even develop adrenal fatigue. See, this stress can lead to heart issues and a compromised immune system, all these things.

Good people who don't quiet this anxiety sometimes seek relief in other things that you don't want to do, right? So this is serious. This isn't just like, oh, you just need to do this as a nice parenting thing. No, it will absolutely destroy your relationship with your child and it will cause them to not listen to you anymore. So here's what I encourage you to do. I encourage you, if you haven't gone through it yet, please go through the 30 Days to Calm program. It's one of our fundamental foundational programs. We're doing a special on it this week. If you need help with that, just email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com.

Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. And just put in there calm or 30 Days to Calm, and he'll help you out with this. We've got a whole special where if you do this program, we give you three different CD programs. The one on disciplining your kids so they listen the first time without having to yell. There's one, there's Casey's, the Straight Talk for Kids program. It's the most popular one we've ever done for your kids to actually listen to, where my son actually teaches your kids how to control their own emotions and impulses, which is really cool. And then there's one on stopping the power struggles with a strong willed child. Anyway, I want you to be ruthlessly honest with yourself because if you make excuses or you don't follow

through on the action steps, it just won't work. You have to do this, right? I want you to be consistent and I want you to start identifying your triggers. And what we'll do is we'll identify your triggers so that you know what irritates you. And we'll go through a process where we start to develop a different response to your triggers. And you will find you will begin to control yourself instead of your kids. And you'll see them change. It is a really, really cool thing. So I encourage you for the next three days, over the weekend, over the holiday, coming up, watch your own reaction, your own anxiety.

Watch how you tense up in family situations, at church, in pressure situations. Watch your tone of voice, how it starts to get all clipped. Watch how that works and begin to focus more on controlling yourself in every situation and watch what happens to your kids. It's a really cool, interesting thing. Look, if you want that program too, you can go online. You don't have to contact Casey. It's CelebrateCalm.com.

You'll see a tab there. It says products. And underneath that tab, there's something for get everything, which is everything we own, or just get the bag. And the get the bag is that special that we're doing this week. It's basically for the cost of one therapy appointment, you're going to get what's worth to me, probably 10 therapy appointments. And anyway, if you need help, email us, call Casey. It's 888-506-1871 and if you want us to come to your school or church or foster care organization let us know we travel around the

world just reach out to my son and we'd love to do it but this weekend next few days control yourself and nobody else and watch what happens. It's really cool. I know you can do it. I know you can do it. Take care. Bye-bye.