Calm Parenting Podcast - Child Anxious? Won’t Push Through Tough Assignments?

Episode Date: September 7, 2021

Child Anxious? Won’t Push Through Tough Assignments?Do you have a child who is anxious, who doesn’t like new experiences? What about a child who does the minimal work necessary and won’t push through when school work is difficult? If you make a common parenting mistake, you’ll make these situations way worse. So Kirk gives you a fantastic script to use instead.Want hundreds of ideas like these? Take advantage of huge discounts on the Get Everything Package & Calm Parenting Package this month!  Want personal mentoring with Kirk via Phone? Click here to learn about mentoring packages. We are including the No B.S. Program FREE with all mentoring purchases OR you can get it here for $99: https://celebratecalm.com/nobs/ Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2021/2022?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom events for schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY!  Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey moms and dads, you know that our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn, and iXL makes that so much easier. iXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum from K-12. iXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn. No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way your kids learn best while meeting them at their level. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. Kids love IXL's positive feedback and parents love knowing specific skills that need work.

Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash k Kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine,

no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. So my assumption is if you have a strong-willed child, you have a child who struggles at times with anxiety, maybe new experiences, things that are outside of their comfort zone.

You probably have a child who when assignments get difficult, they want to shut down and they don't want to push through. And my assumption is this is frustrating for you. So I want to give you a script that you can use. And I love this a lot. So I want to give you a script in this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. We're thrilled that you're here with us. If you need any help at any time, email our strong-willed son who did struggle with anxiety, who did struggle with pushing through with assignments, who would often do the minimal work necessary just to get by. Everything that your kids struggle with, Casey struggled with.

So he can identify with you. He'll help you. Email him at Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us what you're struggling with, and we'll reply back personally with helpful strategies and tips and insights. And he can help you put together a custom package of our resources within your budget. Or just go to CelebrateCalm.com and you can find, we've got lots of sales on the No BS program, Calm Parenting Package, whatever you need. So here's the deal. Last week I was in Kansas City

and I had an opportunity to train teachers, principals, a superintendent, and also school counselors, in addition to talking to a large gathering of parents as well for the community. And so I wanted to really drill down at back-to-school time. And actually, this is good for any time. It doesn't matter if it's back-to-school time or not. But I wanted to drill down, and I had about five different things that I thought were really important. And I want to share the first one of those things in this podcast. And so let me give you the language first, and then I'll apply it in a lot of different ways and kind of break down why I like it and why I think you will find it effective.

So here are a couple examples of what down why I like it and why I think you will find it effective. So here are a couple examples of what it would sound like. Of course, you're anxious. Of course, you're a little bit nervous. But I believe that you're capable of going there and I believe you'll have a good time. Of course, this assignment is difficult. Or, of course, getting thoughts from head to paper on a writing assignment is really difficult. But I believe that you're capable of writing a really good paper. So let's break this down and see why it's so important. And I'll give a little bit more color to this as we go through the podcast. So I love the phrase, of course, because what you're doing is you're validating, you're acknowledging the truth, which is it is difficult and anxiety is normal. You are normalizing, you are normalizing anxiety. And I really want us to do that because we have made everything in our society,

things like, oh my God, I can't believe they really struggle with that. And maybe they need to go talk to someone. And yes, sometimes your kids need therapy, but sometimes they don't. Sometimes what they need is an adult who validates, acknowledges, normalizes, and imparts confidence to them. See, that's what we're doing. Of course, you're anxious. Of course, this is difficult. You're just stating the truth and you are being the grown adult giving perspective saying, I've been around for a while. And what I know is going to new places can be

kind of scary because there's all kinds of new people. You don't know what to expect, right? So rather than being like, well, honey, there's no need to be anxious. Well, what happens when we say that? Well, a few things. One is we're dismissing their natural concern. We're dismissing and invalidating what they are actually experiencing because they are anxious, because that assignment is difficult. It is the same exact thing. And I say this at a lot of our live events. By the way,

we're traveling live events, Florida, Texas, Virginia, Indianapolis, Kansas City, among others. So if you're interested in us coming and presenting in person, reach out to that young man named Casey, and we'll come speak to your live event. It is so much fun in person because you get that interaction, and I can answer questions personally for people, and it just provides such good perspective. And so when we're at live events, often I will joke, but it's not funny at all, that most men can't handle it when their wives are in a bad mood or just struggling emotionally. So what do we do?

We dismiss, oh, honey, there's no need to be upset. I think you're just overreacting. Oh, that's helpful, right? And you know why we do that? Watch, the reason I would dismiss my wife back before I grew up, because marriage is a really helpful thing. In your marriage, one of two things is going to happen. You're either going to grow apart or you're going to grow up and become mature. And see, I was dismissing the emotions.

Why? Because they made me really uncomfortable. Right? And so when I would ask, are you okay? Is everything okay? Was I really concerned with how my wife was feeling? No. What I was really saying was your emotions, your disappointment, your frustration, being

overwhelmed, whatever it is, your emotions make me really uncomfortable. So I need you to change that and for everything to be okay, because that's why a lot of guys and women as well, but a lot of men, right? We ignore things. We dismiss things. We just throw, oh, there's nothing. We don't, you know, our son is just fine. I said that for years. Why? Because I didn't want to have to deal with the hard things in life. I didn't want to have to deal with the hard emotional things because it is difficult. Look, I'll validate you.

Of course marriage is difficult. It's the union of two selfish people with their own agendas and all kinds of flaws that you don't even know you have from childhood stuck together under a roof. And then you have children on top of that. You have to pay the mortgage and you've got to navigate all these other things and all these misconceptions. And you never learned how to communicate well because very few of us did. So you have all of these hidden things and resentments. Of course marriage is hard. It's supposed to be hard because it caused you to grow up.

Of course parenting a strong-willed child is difficult. Of course it's supposed to be difficult. Again, grow apart or grow up. so that's why we would do that and so I'm acknowledging and I'm normalizing right we have too many kids now that feel like something's wrong with them because they have anxiety when if adults, including counselors and therapists and teachers and parents, and that's why I was trying to get these, helping the teachers and the principals who are in a position of authority to say, oh no, no, no, of course you're anxious, should be anxious. Coming to school in a new school year, yeah, your stomach should be, maybe a little, some butterflies there. Absolutely. Do you know how settling that

is to hear from an adult that, okay, so there's nothing wrong with me? No, there's nothing wrong with you. So the fact that you're struggling with that assignment, because watch what happens. Hard assignment, your kids start to mutter things and tear up their papers and say, homework's stupid. I'm not doing it. And we say things, oh, honey, it's not that hard. If you would just focus, you're so smart. And so what kids begin to internalize is, well, if this assignment isn't supposed to be difficult, but it's difficult for me, that means there must be something wrong with me and I'm stupid, right? So first thing is, let's normalize it. Now, we don't leave them there, right? But then I pivot and say,

but I believe you're capable of overcoming this given the proper tools. See, I'm not making excuses. Well, you know, of course, this is just so difficult. I wouldn't even try. You know, going to new places, yeah, I just would go back to your room. You know what I would do? I just call me names so I get upset, so I send you to your room so you don't have to go, because that's what happens inadvertently, right? I'm not making excuses. I'm saying it's difficult. Oh, but I believe you're capable when I give the child tools. And see, that takes me into problem-solving mode, right? So with anxiety of going new places, what we often suggest, and this is what I shared with

the teachers and the principals, was wherever you go, have an adult give your child a specific job to do, whether it's that new Taekwondo class, whether it's in school, say, oh, I could really use your help. Listen, because those are magical words for strong willed kids. They love helping other people, just not you as parents. So that teacher says, oh, I need your help because you are so good at electronic stuff. And could you get to school a few minutes early every day? Because when you come in the classroom, I could use your help with X. That can be very settling because when your child wakes up in the morning, then he's not freaking out about all the unknowns and things he can't control. His brain becomes focused on the job that he has to do, that mission. And your kids often like helping other people, right? Of course that writing assignment

is hard. Getting thoughts from your head down to paper, that's a difficult process, but I'm going to give you some tools so I could show you how to do that so it's a little bit easier for you because you're actually very bright and I hear your ideas when you're talking through them and if we can just get those thoughts organized and onto paper, man, you're so creative. You have such a great imagination. You're going to write a killer paper. See, now I'm imparting confidence, but notice I said, I'm going to give you some tools. Now I try to make these podcasts short, right? So I can't give you all the tools in this podcast. And this is not a sales pitch, just perspective. The reason that people who get our programs and download them and listen to them find such success and

transformation is that I can provide a lot of context when I'm giving you 30 hours worth of materials in the Calm Parenting podcast, right? Or in the Calm Parenting package of materials. I can give you all that context and then I can give you 20 different tools for different things. And so that's why I encourage you to listen to that. But just for the sake of this week, let's start to do that language.

And I'm gonna give you one other tool. So hang in there. This is a really good one I'm gonna end with. But let's normalize it. We're not dismissing. We're not shaming. We're saying, of course, here's the formula, right? And I love this formulation. Of course, what you're struggling with is difficult. That's very normal that you're experiencing it. But I believe that with the right tools, you'll be really successful at that. So my energy is going toward problem solving. I'm validating, acknowledging, normalizing, imparting confidence. I'm not making excuses.

We're problem solving. So let's try that and look for areas to do that in literally every area of your life. That would be helpful with maybe a young employee that you have, someone who's just starting. Of course you feel overwhelmed when you first come to a new job. There's so much you don't understand, but look, I hired you for a reason because you're a good thinker and you have good skills. And I believe that once we give you the training, you're going to do really well here. See, so you're normalizing things. You use it in your marriage, right? In every aspect of your life, I normalize. I love the, of course, that's from the No BS program. That's where I first came up with this was coming

up with, everybody said like, oh, I wish there was an instruction manual for strong, well kids. So I was like, okay, I think I'll create one. So that's what we literally call it, the No BS Instruction Manual for Strong, Well Kids. Because we tell you very straight out the fact that most of your kids are not going to do their chores at home. And you're going to get freaked out because you think that they're going to grow up and not be responsible. But it's absolutely not true because they probably just won't be responsible at home, but they'll be responsible outside the home, right? So here's the thing I wanted to end with. And this can be very, very powerful. I would share this with teachers, principals, and I want you to use it. Many of your kids do struggle with anxiety. Some of your kids

struggle with an immense amount of anxiety. And so to have a teacher or principal to say this to them would be fantastic. Look, nobody knows how much courage it took for you to come to school today. And I'm glad you're here. Could you imagine for some of your kids not making a big deal out of it, but just saying, you know, no one knows how much courage it took for you to get out of bed today and battle through things and get to school today. And I'm really glad you're here. Simple, short, sweet. That will resonate on a deep level with your kids. As a parent, you can say, look, I know nobody else really understands this or knows how much courage that takes to get up and go to school. And I'm proud of you for that. That kind of tone, that

kind of affirmation, again, you're normalizing. You're also, you're imparting confidence and you're identifying with them. It is a beautiful thing. So I encourage you to do that. If you need help, reach out to that kid, Casey, because he understands all of this. He is an awesome young man. C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. I'd look into either the Calm Parenting Package because it gives you everything or the No BS program. Those would be my two things this week that I'd really focus on coming out of this. Hopefully, we will see some of you in some of these states, cities where we're going to be. And again, reach out to us. We'd love to come visit you and watch out. I think next week we're going to announce some boot camps,

live boot camps in several cities across the country. Thank you for listening to this podcast. Please share it with others. If we can help you in any way, do reach out. We read every email personally, and this is a very personal mission to us, and we want to help you. Love you all. Bye-bye.